I Dream of Jeannie (1965–1970): Season 1, Episode 14 - What House Across the Street? - full transcript

Jeannie?
Jeannie, you ready?

Hey, we're gonna be late
for the ballgame.

Okay, let's...

Is that how you dress
to go to a ballgame?

Oh, no, master. This is
how I dress to be married.

Well... who are you
gonna marry, Sandy Koufax?

No, you, master.

Oh, now, Jeannie. We've been
through all this before.

I can't marry you.

But you said you care for me.

I do. I do.



I think you're the most
wonderful woman I've ever met.

You're adorable.
Well, then.

There's no problem.

We are gathered here today to
join this man and this woman...

Now hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.

We're gathered here today
to go to a baseball game.

Jeannie, would you
get rid of him.

I don't have a ticket for him.

If you care for me so much,

why is it so difficult
to say "I do"?

Well, it's not difficult.
It's impossible.

Well, Roger wishes to marry me.

All right, fine.
Then marry Roger.

Now wait a minute...
Wait, Jeannie.



Jeannie, I'm sorry.
I di... I didn't mean that.

Jeannie, I was only joking.

[♪]

WOMAN 1 [ON TV]: There's
only one man I love. John.

WOMAN 2 [ON TV]: But you've told me
that John doesn't want to marry you.

WOMAN 1: That's why I've come to you.
I need your advice, Mother.

WOMAN 2: On the other hand,
there is a man you do love,

but who doesn't
want to marry you.

WOMAN 1: What am I going
to do, Mother, dear?

Oh, yes. What are we
going to do?

WOMAN 2: Susan, you did the right
thing to come to your mother.

There's only one way to get
him to propose to you.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in at
the same time tomorrow,

and learn what Susan's mother
advises her to do.

[SHUTS TV OFF]

Mother. Of course.

This is a time when
a girl needs her mother.

Mama!

Oh, little dove!

My darling, darling child.

It's so good to see you again.

Two thousand years,
and not one letter.

Oh, I... I have
been busy.

Children.

Mama... I'm in love
with my master,

and I wish to marry him.

Can he support thee?
What does he do for a living?

He is an astronaut.

An astronaut?
Mm-hm.

What is that?

Well, they strap him in
this giant bird

they call a missile,

and he goes up into the sky,
and around and around

the Earth for days
without stopping.

A-and sometimes
he walks in space.

Thou could not marry a doctor?

Why, I am not in love
with a doctor, Mama.

Oh, I need your advice...

My master does not
want to marry me.

But his friend Roger does.

Then marry his friend Roger.

You are not getting any younger.

Well, I...
I like Roger, but...

You brought me back for advice,

I will give it to thee.

Tell this Roger you are
going to marry him.

Oh, but that would be dishonest.

Show me a woman who is honest,

and I will show you an old maid.

Do not worry, dear one.

Thou wilt not marry Roger.

Your astronaut will
come to his senses

and marry you himself.

Do you really think
this will come to pass?

That is how I got your father.

[SIGHS]

Good evening, master.

Oh, hi, Jeannie.

Oh, thanks.

You worked late tonight, master.

Did you have a hard day?

A bone-crusher.

Aw...
Poor master.

Here. Come over here
and be comfortable.

Lie down.

Put your feet up.
Uh-huh.

And, uh, here is your newspaper.

And... here's the rest
of your martini.

Wow.
Thanks, Jeannie.

I've made a special dish
for your dinner.

And you will never guess

what I have waiting for you
in the kitchen.

Your mother.

Well, yes.

Your mother!
You can't be serious!

Yes...

What are you talking...?
No...

I can't even explain you,

much less your mother.

She will only be here
for a few days.

I don't care if she's
here for a few hours.

You send her back!

Well, she eats very little,

and I will take
good care of her.

You... You can't even
take care of yourself.

[SHEEP BLEATS]

Ahh!
Ahh!

Oh.
[BLEATS]

Oh, master, I am so sorry.

I, uh... I know you must
find this a little strange.

Strange? No. No.

It... It's not strange
at all,

falling over a sheep
in your own living room.

No, I don't think it's strange.
Come on.

[GASPS]

Take your hands off
that sheep, infidel.

It is for the wedding feast.

The wedding fe...?
No... The wedding feast?

Did you tell her
we're getting married?

Certainly not, master.
That would be a lie.

That's right.

Because I'm not marrying you.

That's right.

I'm going to marry Roger.

She's gonna marry Roger.

You're...
You're not serious.

Well, I...

Of course she is serious.

Of course I am serious.

Yeah, but you can't marry Roger.

And why not?
He loves her.

Well, yes.
Why not?

He loves me.

Because... Because I'd
miss you, that's why.

Oh. Oh, and I would
miss thee too.

Then you're not
gonna marry Roger?

The sheep is already here.

Perhaps you can think
of another solution.

How about lamb chops for dinner?

I will marry him.

I-I wouldn't put that wedding
dress back on just yet

if I were you.

Roger's pretty unpredictable.

As a matter of fact,
around the base

he's known as "Old Fickle."

Fickle!

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Mama, I think it is working.

He is jealous.
[DOOR CLOSES]

What shall I do next?

That does not worry me,
little pigeon.

What worries me is
what he will do next.

Oh.

Hi, Roge.
What's the good word?

The good word is yes.

I ran into Jeannie,
popped the question,

and she said she would
marry me. Me!

Did she really?
Well, congratulations.

From now on, it's
marriage-a-go-go.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Couldn't... Couldn't
happen to a finer guy.

We're meeting for lunch.

We're going over our plans.

Yeah. I'll bet
her parents were delirious

when they found out Jeannie
got a catch like you.

Well, I, uh...
I haven't met her parents yet.

Oh, they're out of town, huh?

Well, I... I don't know.
I-I suppose so. It's...

Well, where are they when you
pick Jeannie up at her house?

Well, I-I've never been to
Jeannie's house before. It's...

Well, where do you meet?

In front of the public library.

Well, she must have a house.

Or your gonna be married
at the return book counter.

[LAUGHS]

You know, until
you mentioned it,

I never really gave her parents
or her home a thought.

Well, parents... homes...
What's the difference?

The important thing is,
you love her.

That's right.
That's the imp...

Right. And you'll have
plenty of opportunity

to get to know her parents
once you're married,

and they move in with you.

M-move in?

Oh, you know, when they
come to visit. Oh.

Oh, boy, all you have to do

is take a look at that girl

and know that
her parents have to be

fine, intelligent people.

No. She wasn't brought up
by... By convicts

or counterfeiters, you know.

I think fine, intelligent people
would like to meet

the man their daughter's
gonna marry.

Yeah.

Well... Th... There's
all kinds of good reasons

why they haven't met you yet.

Uh. Well,
for instance, uh...

Uh...

No.

Or, uh, they might have,
uh, been, uh...

[SIGHS]

Well, no...
I'll tell you what.

It's possible.
It's just...

[SIGHS]

The important thing is

you're marrying
a wonderful girl.

That's the important thing.

Yes. I'll see you
later, Roge.

Maybe we'll get a chance to

crack a bottle
of champagne tonight, huh?

[MUTTERING TO HIMSELF]

Well, there are many,
uh, good reasons

why I haven't met her parents.

You know, they could've
been out of...

Probably... Well,
they are probably, uh...

It's very easy to, uh...

Convicts and counterfeiters?

I do not understand it.

All during lunch
Roger kept insisting.

How can I invite him to my house

when I do not have one?

And worse yet, you do not
have parents either.

Oh.
I have you, Mama.

And I could send for Papa.

I would be proud
to have Roger meet you.

No, no, little one.

We are peasants
from the old country.

One look at us, and there
goeth the ballgame.

[LAUGHS]

Where did you
learn that expression?

From watching that box
you call television.

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

I know what you need.

The American mama
you see on television.

The one who keeps comparing
hands with her daughter.

You think so, Mama?

I'm certain of it.

And for the father, get yourself
that nice fellow who...

Who seems to have so much
trouble with his sinuses.

Mama. I'm so glad
I sent for you.

And I know just where I'm going

to get the house too.

[GIGGLES]

Oh...

Oh, there is my master.

Well, Mama, how's
every little thing?

You dare to show your face here?

Look who's talking.
It's my house.

And I suppose it was not you
who persuaded Roger to insist

upon meeting my daughter's
parents and seeing her home.

Well, I, uh...

I suppose I did
drop a hint or two.

Is... Is Jeannie
terribly disappointed

about her marriage
being called off?

Wait and see.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes?

Oh, hello, sir.

I can only stay a moment.

I just want to say hello
to my new neighbor.

Uh... Oh, you bought
a house around here?

Oh, not a house.

The vacant lot across
the street from you.

Uh, Mrs. Bellows and I
are gonna start

building very shortly.

Well, you can always borrow
a cup of sugar here.

May the vultures descend

and pick your bones.

Uh...

[STAMMERS]

My housekeeper.

We had a little argument
this morning about her salary.

She, uh, wanted a raise.

And I wouldn't give
it to her, you know.

"May the vultures descend
and pick your bones."

Well... she's
a poor loser.

[SHEEP BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

And I was worried about
moving in with a hamster.

[SIGHS]

Oh! Hi, Jeannie.

How... How was
your lunch with Roger?

He's very anxious
to meet my parents.

Oh, well, that's...
That's too bad.

So he's going to meet Mama.

Hm.

And Papa too.

Ah.

Your pa...
Your papa's here too?

Oh, not yet.

Captain Healey is going to
meet them at my house.

[STAMMERS]

This is your house.

I mean, this is your house.

Oh, not today, master.

I have my own home.

Huh?
Uh...

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes?

Oh, hi, Roge.

What do you mean, you're gonna
meet her parents at her home?

Oh, no. No. No, no.

I'm not upset.

I'm not upset at all.
Heh.

Hey, l-listen. Where did
you say, uh, she lives?

Across the street from my house?

Well...
Well, that's impossible.

Well, there's a vacant lot
across the street.

Listen, Roger.
When I say there's a vacant lot

across the street,
I mean there's a house on it.

Jeannie.

Jeannie.
Jeannie, where are you?

Jeannie?
Oh...

Jeannie!
Now, you...

You take that house
right out of here.

I'm not taking...

You're not gonna
get away with this!

Jeannie!

Jeannie.
Jeannie, open up.

Jeannie, come on.

Take this house
down this minute. Now...

Are you expected?

Oh, boy.

Jeannie!
Jeannie!

If you will leave your card,

I will tell
my daughter you called.

Jeannie, where are you?

Ah, good afternoon,
Mr. Nelson.

Teresa, will you please pour.

Mr. Nelson a cup of tea.

Teresa?

Jeannie, I want you
to stop this nonsense,

and I mean...
I mean it.

I want you to
come home right now.

I cannot ask you to
stay very long, Mr. Nelson.

My fiancé is coming to meet
Mummy and Daddy.

Mummy and Da... Daddy?

You mean, you whipped up
some phony parents too?

Uh-huh.
The kind you see on television.

It was Mama's suggestion.

What do you think you're doing?

You won't get away with this!

Oh, thanks.
I don't want any tea.

I don't want any tea.

You must calm yourself, master.
You are very upset.

You're darn right I'm upset.

And I have every reason
in the world to be upset. Uh...

Well, it's quite
a large lot, general.

Just across the street from
Captain Nelson's house.

Oh, really?
Mm.

[LAUGHING]

It...

It's Dr. Bellows,
and it's General Hadley.

They're coming down the street.
They're coming right here.

Oh, well, I will be
delighted to meet them.

Oh no, you...
No, you don't understand.

You see...

[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]

Dr. Bellows, he just
bought this lot.

And he knows.
He just...

He knows there's no house on it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And he's gonna
want me to explain.

And there is no explanation.

Jeannie, do you want me
to plead insanity?

Please, master.
Relax.

I would never do
anything to hurt you.

Good afternoon, Captain Nelson.

Good afternoon, General Hadley.

Captain, do you always drink tea

in the middle of a vacant lot?

Well, sir,
it was such a lovely afternoon,

I thought I'd have
my tea out here...

among the wildflowers.

Do you do this often,
Captain Nelson?

When I want to commune with
nature, sir...

like Thoreau.

Thoreau.

Yes, yes. He used to
do it all the time.

Ah.

Well, I'd better go home

and tend my sheep.

Sheep.

I'd keep an eye
on that man, doctor.

Oh, I do, sir, all the time.

He's done a number
of strange things,

but I've never caught him
weed-sitting before.

Oh. Good evening,
doctor.

Uh, general.

You're working late,
Captain Healey?

Uh, yes, I had a few, uh,

data reports to finish up.

I've got a big night planned.

I may be a little late
coming in tomorrow morning.

Well, just see that Captain
Nelson is in before dawn.

He's been under
quite a strain lately.

Well, I'm not
seeing Captain Nelson.

I'm going to
my fiancée's for dinner.

But I might see him.

He lives right
across the street.

Across the street?

There...

There's no house there.
That's my vacant lot.

That can't be a vacant lot.

Well, it is when people
aren't drinking tea on it.

The number is 1140 Oak Road.

Well, general...

Good...
Doctor.

Have a nice evening.

1140.

That's the address
of my property.

He's having dinner
in a vacant lot.

Better keep an eye on him too.

One weed-sitter in
a space program is enough.

There we are.

Now, after Roger has met
your parents... Yes.

And you have had dinner,

then sit in the chair
by the window with him.

W-why the chair
by the window, Mama?

Because across the street
your master will be watching,

and be sick with jealousy.

Oh! Ha-ha!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh. There's Roger.

Good. Bring out
your parents.

What do you think, Mama?

There is something missing.

But they look just like

the people on
television commercials.

She should have blond hair.

Mm-hm.

That's better.

He should look
more like he has money.

What do you think?

I think you are ready for Roger.

Oh. Yes.

Hi, Jeannie.

Good evening, Roger.

I would like you
to meet my parents.

Mummy and Daddy, this is Roger.

Hello. I've been
looking forward to, uh,

meeting you two
for quite some time.

When my daughter told me
she was engaged, I said,

"Darling, blonds
do have more fun."

My wife used to be
a ratty brunette.

WOMAN: Is your hair streaked
with dingy, unattractive gray?

Mine was.

But then I learned
about... Streakaway.

MAN: Now I can't resist
asking her to dance.

Would you?

Love to.

Do you like my mummy and daddy?

Yeah, they're a...

very, very romantic couple.

I was just telling
your daughter how much in love

you two seem to be.

Why wouldn't I be?

Her hands are
as soft now as they were

when we were first married.

WOMAN: I never use any
harsh detergents.

My daughter and I have used
the same soap to wash dishes

for years, and my hands
are as soft as hers.

Would you care to make
the comparison test?

They're lovely.
Both hands.

Have you noticed,

they both have
lovely smiles too?

WOMAN: I'm not afraid
to smile anymore

since I started using Grippo.

Now, I don't have to be afraid
my dentures will fall out.

Let us all sit down
and get acquainted.

[CHUCKLES]

Why don't you sit here,
beside Jeannie?

Won't that, uh, be a little,

ahem, crowded?

We're not afraid
of being in crowds.

We're protected for 32 hours.

I use
the roll-on.

I use the spray.

I could use a martini.

Here you are.

Hm.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[KNOCKS]

Dr. Bellows.
Great Scott.

Captain Nelson, it's you.

If it wasn't you,
that would mean...

that I was on the wrong street.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Now, captain, since both of us

are basically scientists,

we know that
it's entirely possible,

with modern methods of
prefabrication,

to build a house
within twenty minutes.

You believe that,
don't you, captain?

No, sir.
I don't either.

If you look across the street,

you'll see a house
on my vacant lot.

What house is that, sir?

Don't humor me, captain.

When I tell you there's
a house across the street,

I mean there's a...

A vacant lot.

With Captain Healey
sitting in the middle of it.

Captain Healey, sir?

Hm?

I think I'll go home
and lie down.

That might be best, sir.

And everything you've
said tonight will, of course,

remain strictly between us.

[SIGHS]

Thank you, Jeannie.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

You are pleased with me, master.

I certainly am pleased with you.

Well, then may I invite
a friend over?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, you can invite over
anybody you want to.

We are gathered here today
to join this man

and this woman
in holy matrimony.

Oh, good morning, Roge.
How are you feeling?

Terrible.

Oh, boy. Terrible.

What a...
What a night. Phew.

Yeah?
Well, what happened?

Did you meet Jeannie's
mother and father?

Yeah, I met them all right.

It was like tuning into
a commercial, you know.

Now, don't get me wrong.
They were great, you know.

Real backbone of America.

What's so terrible about that?

Me.

Boy, I must have been
on liquid oxygen.

You know, I got so smashed,
I blacked out,

wandered outside of the house
and wound up in a vacant lot.

No.
Yeah.

Boy, she must really
be sore at me.

I went back there to apologize
to her today, and she moved.

I mean she moved.
The whole house was gone.

Now I have to start looking
for her all over again.

Well... good luck, Roge.

Good luck.
Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Look, uh, Tony, if you, uh,
run across her, uh,

maybe you could let me know.

Uh, if you, uh...

Sure, Roge.

Sure.

It's a...

[♪]