I, Claudius (1976): Season 1, Episode 5 - Poison Is Queen - full transcript

Germannicus returns from Germania in triumph and he and Claudius catch up on family news - Claudius now has a son but is not enjoying married life. He tells Germannicus what Postumus had passed onto him about Livia's murderous exploits and Germannicus in turn tells the emperor. Augustus is pleased with Claudius and apologizes to him for doubting his capabilities. As Augustus visits Postumus to restore him to his will Livia works out what has happened and initially suspects Livilla, believing Claudius to be too stupid. Augustus is determined to survive any efforts to poison him and resolves only to eat food he has grown himself. However he falls ill and dies as Livia has presumably poisoned the fruit trees in his garden. Postumus is killed by the brutal soldier Sejanus and at last Livia has her wish - to see Tiberius declared emperor of Rome.

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(KNOCKING)

Come.

Ah, where did you find this one?

Under a pile of old rubbish in the cellar.
I doubt we'll find any more.

That's what you said the l-l-last
time we found something.

It's incredible - the way people
just dump things!

You see, it should all be lettered
and filed

and well. numbered.

Would you like me to tidy up
some of this mess, Caesar?

No! The last time you tidied up
I couldn't find anything any more.

What is this?



"The Last Will and Testament
of Augustus Caesar."

Augustus' will

(TRUMPETERS AND CHEERING)

Hail. Caesar!

The Legions of Rome salute you
on their return from the Rhine.

- In triumph?
- In triumph, Caesar!

The German tribes are put down.
They have sued for peace.

Our punishments have been fierce
and we have brought back many captives.

The province is peaceful once more
and her tribute flows again.

Your legions await your further orders.

Hail. Caesar!

(ALL CHEER)

You'll hurt your ayes
reading in this light.

- It was so hot in my r-room.
- Am I disturbing you?



No. It's a v-v-very boring book.

- Where's Mother?
- She and Pina are talking.

About children and about what
it's like to be a soldier's wife.

She's wonderful. Pina - the way
she goes everywhere with you.

You're very lucky, you know.

And how do you like
being a married man?

And a father. What do you think
of your little boy?

I don't like him very much.
I think he's horrid.

Oh, Claudius!

What do you think of my wife?
She's taller than me.

I know.

She's taller than me.

No, it's not funny.

How could anybody grow that tall?

Some people just never know
when to stop.

- Do you sleep together?
- Now and then.

I must admit,
it's a bit of an ordeal

Her face is not unpleasant.

I rarely see her face.
I never get up that far!

Oh, Claudius! Dear brother.

It is good to see you again.

I wish I could have come with you.
What was it like?

The scene in the Teutoberg forest
was terrible when we came on it.

No one had been buried. Bodies
strewn around, horribly mutilated.

They?re a savage lot, those Germans.

But we avenged them.
They?ll be quiet for a long time to come.

Tell me about Postumus.
You didn't say much in your letters.

I was afraid to say too much.

Letters get intercepted and read
by certain parties.

Come, you see plots everywhere.
Who would dare to open your mail?

Grandmother. She opens everybody?s.

- Livia?!
- Sh!

How else do you think
she knows everything?

Does Augustus know that she does that?

I don't know what Augustus knows,
but she knows everything.

- Postumus thinks...
- Thinks what?

That night he was arrested, he broke
away and came to see me in my room.

He wasn't trying to escape,

but he wanted me to know the truth
so I could tell you.

What did he tell you?

That he didn't force Livilla.
She invited him into her room -

as she'd often done before
when Castor was out gambling or...

Anyway, when he got there,
she started to scream.

The guards rushed in and she accused
him of trying to r-rape her.

- Did you believe him?
- Yes.

I'd believe Postumus
before I'd believe Livilla.

But, Claudius, it's an age-old
excuse that men have often used.

"She led me on. She wanted me to."

I've thought of that too. One does,
even about one's friends.

But I believe him.

- But why would she do such a thing?
- I asked him the same thing.

He said...

L-Livia had put her up to it.

Ah, our grandmother again.

Between reading letters
and arranging rapes,

when does she aver sleep?

If you'll listen, I'll tell you
what Postumus thinks of her.

It will stand the hairs up
on your head.

He believes that she has
systematically destroyed his mother,

his brothers
and possibly his father,

that she poisoned
Julia's first husband

and had a hand
in our father's death.

He believes that she poisoned
our grandfather,

and she will stop at nothing
to ensure Tiberius follows Augustus.

He believes she's mad.

And I said all that without
s-s-stuttering.

Well. nearly.

- Proof?
- No.

Claudius, have you mentioned this
to Augustus?

No! He takes me
for a big enough fool already.

It must come from you or no one.

- All right. I'm listening.
- Not here.

(CHEERY WHISTLING)

(STOPS WHISTLING)

(RESUMES WHISTLING)

If you prune any more of that,
there'll be nothing left.

Are you now an expert on gardening?
Is that something you've become?

I'm only telling you. The gardeners
all complained last year.

- And whose garden is this?
- Others use it.

Incredible!
Everyone's an expert suddenly.

- How long have we been married?
- Don't you remember?

50 years. In all that time,
you've never known one plant from another

and suddenly you know all there is
to know about pruning. Wonderful!

I think your brain's going soft.
Nobody can talk to you any more.

- Anyone can talk to me.
- No, they can't.

Anyone can talk to me any time -
except you.

You don't talk to people.
You bully them.

This conversation's got ridiculous.

Wrong. This conversation
was always ridiculous.

Your melon's here.

(WHISTLING)

Is it true you're going to Corsica?

- Yes.
- When?

Very soon.

- You never told me.
- No.

I don't know what's come over you.
You tell me nothing.

Well. you get to know
everything anyway.

Why are you going to Corsica?

Because the Corsicans
asked me to go.

What for?

Piracy. They?ve been complaining
for years. They?re losing business.

Couldn't you have asked
one of the Consuls to go?

Why should I?

I know how you hate travelling
by see.

No. It doesn't bother me.

Will you be stopping off anywhere
on the way?

- Such as where?
- I don't know!

You'll be passing the island
of your grandson's banishment.

Which one is that?

Planasia. Had you forgotten?

I hadn't thought about it.
Why should I stop off there?

I thought you might take
this opportunity of inspecting it.

- Have you tried this melon?
- I don't want any!

If you ate more fruit,
you wouldn't get so many wrinkles.

- Would you like me to come?
- What for?

It's an arduous journey to make
at your age, on your own.

- You might fall ill and die.
- The see air will do me good.

Besides, Germanicus will be with me.
I'm sending him to France.

What a support that boy's become.

I see.

- That's settled, then?
- Yes.

(HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY)

- Double dealing?
- No!

- Pining after Postumus?
- No!

Then how does he know?
Somebody's talked to him.

It wasn't me, I swear it!
Why should I?

Because you're tired
of your husband

and would like to see Postumus back.

How? He'd never forgive me anyway!

You're cleverer than that.

You'd tell him I forced you
and shed a few tears.

I never met a man
who could resist that.

If he knows something,
it wasn't from me. I swear it.

I swear it!

All right.

I believe you.

Someone else, then.

Castor knows.
He guessed. I never told him.

Yes, Castor knows. That's why
you got your black aye.

It didn't pass unnoticed, my dear.

If Castor knows, he'd keep it
to himself. He's got nothing to gain.

- It's someone else.
- My brother?

- Germanicus wasn't here.
- I meant Claudius.

That fool? His brains are addled.
He sees nothing and he hears nothing.

Well. perhaps I was wrong.

Perhaps we should just wait and see.

(SOUND OF WAVES CRASHING)

Well. well. well..

What have we here? Tourists?

Have you come to see the beast
in his cage?

Is the rock bare enough for you,
Father?

Does it conform to your notions
of smallness?

How thin you look. How pale.

What did you expect?
A fat, jolly man full of laughs and jokes?

You must forgive me, Father.

It's been four years since I saw
a soul apart from the guards.

I wasn't prepared for visitors.

This is Quintus Fabius Maximus,
an old friend.

I envy you, Quintus Fabius Maximus.

Envy me what?

That you're an old friend
of my father's.

You're better off
than his adopted son.

Leave us.

They never told me
it'd be like this.

I don't expect you aver asked!

You don't find out
what you don't want to know!

- Don't say that.
- Did you come for a tour?

That'll take ten minutes,
as you once prophesied!

Then wound me if you must.
I deserve it.

You have a knife. I wouldn't
blame you if you used it!

Oh, it's tears now, is it?

I never knew a man
cry as easily as you do.

Yes, tears come easily to me.
I don't deny it.

You're wonderful. wonderful!

What's my role now?
To feel sorry for you?!

- Mistakes have been made...
- Mistakes!

Is that what you call them?
You think tears will put them right?

Well. bravo!
You still have tears to shed.

How many tears would you have left
if you'd sat on this rock

for four solid years?

- Postumus...
- How many? !

You've come to the wrong place
to show your tears.

Even the stones weep here.

Now you've heard something,
is that it?

It's made you think,
perhaps you were wrong, too hasty?

Is that why you're here,
to tell me it was a mistake?

I don't want to hear it!
Leave me alone!

Go away and die but leave me alone!

Postumus...

What have you done to me?

Four years!
What have you done with my life?

Don't. Please don't...

When those guards came in,
I thought, "This is the end.

"He's sent them now
to finish me off."

- How could you think such a thing?
- What else could I think?

To die, that's nothing.

I'd have given my life for you,
for Rome, a thousand times over.

But to die like a dog...

What can I say? What can I say?

A day hasn't passed
when I haven't thought of you.

And I of you.

But not fondly, Father, not fondly.

I know, I know, I know.

What could I do? There are such
liars in the world, such cheats!

And nowhere more, it seems,
than among my own.

I've had to live this long
to find that out.

They?ve made a fool of you.

There are places
where they?ve made a god out of me,

but my own family
have made me a fool

And Livia, it seems,
more than anyone.

- She lied to you.
- Why?

How did you find out?

- Germanicus told me.
- He wasn't there.

Claudius told him, apparently.

What do you make of him, eh?

He's a curious chap.
He's a bit of a fool

Aren't we all?

I've been wrong
about a lot of things.

Well. I'm here to make amends.

It won't be long
before you're in Rome.

- Can't I return with you now?
- No. Your banishment is permanent.

I must get that decree reversed.
That will take a bit of time.

The moment I set that in motion,
it'll cause a few hearts to flutter

and a few minds to get busy.

I want to wait until Tiberius
is out of Rome.

I'd worry more about Livia
if I were you.

When you've lived so long
with a woman...

when she's been more
than a wife to you.

It's been like having
another right arm.

It's hard to believe such things.

Believe them, Father.

I do. I do.

(KNOCKING)

Come in.

Lady, the chief Vestal.
Camilla Pulchra.

You look well. Lady, which is
a blessing for Rome and for all of us.

And you, my dear, are as beautiful
and serene as aver.

Come, let's sit down.

I envy you your serenity.

I envy all the Vestals.

I often wish I could have become
one of them.

Rome would have been the loser then.

And you retire next year?

Yes. It's 30 years
since I took my vows.

I must say,
I find it hard to believe.

You came to me some time ago to ask
me to use my influence with Augustus

to persuade the Senate
to rebuild the House of the Vestals.

- That was a long time ago.
- My dear, I never forget anything.

My dream is to leave the House
more beautiful than when I entered it.

The Senate has promised to find
the money, but they never have.

Well. I think
it's time we did something.

- Have you spoken to your husband?
- Many times.

It's been my dream too
to rebuild that house.

But, like all men, he makes promises
and noises and does very little.

- But he also likes to surprise me.
- And has he?

Well. I think he has,
but I'm not sure.

That's why I asked you here.

I have a feeling he's set aside
a sum for it in his will

Oh, that would be wonderful!
Do you think he has?

I asked him about it
when he returned from Corsica.

"Wait and see," he said
with such a twinkle in his aye

that it made me wonder
if he'd come to you recently

to make an alteration in his will

But he did! He spent a whole morning
locked in a room with it.

When he came out, he handed me
two documents instead of one.

You see, I was right.
Oh, this intuition of mine.

- Did he bring a witness?
- Yes. Fabius Maximus.

Oh, the artful one!

He's just like a little boy. He has
to be so mysterious about it all

He couldn't come out and say,

"Livia, you shall have your house
for the Vestals when I die."

No. He must tease me.
He must surprise me.

What a dear man he is.

You think then that the alteration
is in respect of that?

Well. it seems likely.

Oh, what a pity we couldn't
take it out and have a look at it.

Just you and me - two women together -
in a tiny little conspiracy.

Yes, that would certainly
set our minds at rest.

But it has his seel on.

Oh, but that's nothing.

I have the use of his seel
I've had it for years.

How else do you think official documents
get signed when he's away?

Mmm?

I hadn't thought of that.

But then, of course,
that would be breaking my vows.

But in such a good cause.

And if we found the alteration were
in respect of something else,

why, I would feel bound
to find that money myself.

Rome owes so much
to the sanctity of the Vestals.

What do you think, my dear?

Aaah! Oh, Montanus.
Oh, help me, Montanus.

If you'd lie still
and let the cold compresses work.

Oh, the pain's in my belly,
you fool! Not in my head.

Here, drink this.

It will ease the pain.

It's like a fire in there.

It's the ulcer again. I warned you.
Too much work and too much worry.

- Will you follow an idiot?
- Yes.

Eat only milk products and eggs.

And give up work for a while
or I won't be responsible.

When you feel a little better, take
a holiday. Go to Capri or somewhere.

Paddle in the see, get some fresh air.
I'll talk to the Lady Livia.

(SOUND OF AUGUSTUS MOANING)

I've had premonitions.
Premonitions of death.

- We all have them.
- No, no, no. This is serious.

Listen, old friend, let me tell you.

Two weeks after we came back
from you know where,

I was in Mars Field
giving a libation.

A little ceremony. You remember?

I remember, but I wasn't there.

No? Well. nearby, there's a temple
built in memory of Marcus Agrippa.

- Yes, I know it.
- An eagle circled me five times,

then flew off and settled
on the "A" of Agrippa's name.

- Well. Caesar...
- No, don't lie to me.

It's clear what it means.

It was telling me
that my time had come

and that I must give way
to someone by the name of Agrippa.

- Postumus?
- Who else?

- Did you consult an augur?
- No. I don't need an augur.

Well. you're not an expert
on the interpretation of signs.

Then listen to this.

The following day, lightning melted
the "C" on my name on a statue nearby.

It struck the "C" off "Caesar".
Do you follow? What does "C" mean?

- A hundred.
- A hundred. Exactly!

Livia saw it. She went to an augur
to find out what it meant.

She wouldn't tell me,
but I forced it out of her.

It means that I have only
a hundred days to live.

I shall die in a hundred days.

Or weeks.

Eh?

Why shouldn't it be weeks?

Or months?

Why shouldn't it mean
that you'll live to be a hundred?

- Do you think so?
- Why not?

Perhaps she went to the wrong augur.

Perhaps he looked at the wrong book.

G-G-Good morning, Grandmother.

Mother and I would like to know

if there's any ch-change
in Augustus' health.

He's improving, which is more
than I can say for you.

Tha-thank you, Grandmother.
It's a gr-great relief.

Yes.

Well. thank you.

Is it true...?

Is it true
that you've written a book

about religious changes
during the reign of Augustus?

Y-y-yes, Grandmother.

You intend to give
a public reading of it?

- Yes, Grandmother.
- You'll do no such thing.

N-no, Grandmother.

It wasn't my idea. Germanicus
suggested it before he left.

You won't make
a laughing stock of my family.

I'm b-b-better when I'm rehearsed.

So is a trained monkey, but he still
looks and sounds like a monkey.

Yes, Grandmother.

If your head doesn't stop twitching,

I'll have it off and stuck
on a pole. That'll fix it.

Th-th-thank you, Grandmother.

Oh, I beg your... Oh. I'm...
I beg your pardon.

Leave it alone!

That grandson of yours
could wreck the empire...

just by strolling through it.

Augustus is improving.

Are you drinking because
he nearly died or because he didn't?

- Sarcastic, aren't we?
- I was just wondering.

I never know whether I read you right.
Is something wrong?

He's altered his will

What's the matter -
cat got your tongue?

That took your breath away,
didn't it?

- How do you know?
- I make it my business to know.

- In whose favour?
- Whose do you think?

- Germanicus?
- Ha!

Trust you to get it wrong.

I must have been nodding
when I gave birth to you.

I sometimes wonder that you aver did
anything so natural as giving birth.

In whose favour
has he altered his will?

Postumus. Whose do you think?
He took a trip to Corsica.

Didn't it occur to you
he may visit your stepson?

- Why should he?
- He's changed his mind about him.

What could have caused him
to change it?

What does he know now that he didn't
know then? What could he know?

What is there to know?

He's a senile old man. How
do I know why he changed his mind?

But he has, and so much
the worse for you, my baby,

if I can't change it back again.

Well. don't bother on my account!
I'm sick of it!

The gods know I've done my best!

He never liked me. Never!

Thirty years I've run his errands
for him!

I've fought on his bloody frontiers,
collected his taxes!

He's never once put his hand on mine
and said, "Thank you.

"What would I have done
without you?"

Now he sends me off to Illyricum
without a farewell dinner.

Not even a goodbye.
Just get on your horse and ride!

Well. damn him!

I retired before
and I can retire again!

Let his precious grandson
run his empire for him.

I'm sick to death of it!

- When do you leave?
- Very soon.

I wouldn't travel too fast,
if I were you.

Why not?

Well. you won't have so far to come
back if anything happens to him.

I was just going to see your mother.
I've heard she's not very well

I wanted a word, but I'm dragging you
away from your work.

- N-no, really.
- I'll only stay a minute.

Are you b-better now?

Well. you know, I think so.

Well. shall we sit down
for a moment?

P-please.

They put me on this diet, you know,
but I cured myself.

You know how? I refused to eat.
Oh, a little milk and fruit.

I got myself this cow
and I milked it myself.

The fruit I picked from the garden,
so it was untouched by human hand,

except my own.

You never know what gets into food.
The slaves are so careless.

Anyway, I'm still here.

Yes. I'm going away
for a little holiday.

First to Capri and then to Nola.
I'm a bit tired.

What a pleasant garden this is.
I've never been here before.

Claudius, do you bear me
any ill will?

Ill will? Why should I?

Oh, we can be so wrong about people.
I was wrong about you.

We judge too much on appearances.

I mean, your appearance is against you.
You know that, don't you?

You give everybody the impression
you're a bit of a fool

But you're not such a fool. are you?

I hope n-not.

Germanicus told me all about you.

He said that you were loyal
to three things -

to your friends, to Rome
and to the truth.

That's a wonderful thing
to say of a person.

I'd be proud if he said that of me.

My brother worships you.

- No? Do you think so?
- Yes. He's often told me.

Well. well

He's a great man, you know.
A fine Roman in the best tradition -

even though he is
a bit of a republican.

What did you think? I didn't know?

I'm a republican myself at heart.
You know that, don't you?

It was never my intention
to rule for so long,

but...I don't know,
things just didn't work out.

I kept wanting to retire.
Your father wanted me to retire.

I don't know.
It just never happened.

So many things turn out different
from the way you hoped.

I went to Corsica, you know,
and I paid a visit to a certain island

and I saw a certain person.

None of that would have happened
but for you. Germanicus told me.

Anyway, when I got back,
I paid a visit to the Vestal Virgins

and I made some alterations
to a certain document there.

No one knows about that - not even
your grandmother - so not a word.

Oh, you can tr-trust me.

Yes. I see now that I can.

When I get back, we'll talk again.
We'll talk many times, eh?

I've found another friend.

Even at my age, a man finds he has
friends he never even dreamed of.

(HAPPY SHOUTING)

What luck, Livia! I've thrown Venus
three times in a row!

Come on, pay up, all of you!

Oh, what luck, Livia!
You never saw such a...

Come and play.
I'm winning a fortune.

- Don't you think it's time for bed?
- Certainly not.

We'll start again. Odds or evens?

- Odds! Odds!
- Evens!

Junius, you're not batting.

Caesar, I have no money. It's gone.

Really? Come on, have some of mine.

- But you gave us all the money.
- It's only a game.

But if we win, we keep it
and if we lose, you give it back.

Who's complaining?
Come on, make your bet.

- Montanus, have you .
- Odds, Caesar.

You'll be sorry.
I've been throwing evens all night.

- Evens!
- Odds! Odds!

Ha! Ha!

What did I tell you?
Come on, pay up.

Who boot odds? Come on,
don't slink away. I saw you!

Oh, what an evening.

Evens, collect your winnings.
Odds, pay up.

- What's the matter?
- I feel sick.

(HE RETCHES)

Take me to my room.

No food! Do you hear?

I'll eat figs from the garden,
nothing else.

Nothing!

And I'll pick them myself.

Are you mad? Figs from the garden?

Aren't your bowels loose enough?
I must give you medicine.

No! Curse it! Nothing that's been
touched by human hand, do you hear?

Not even Livia's. Nothing.

Nothing.

It's a very bad attack.

He'll eat no prepared food, none.
Those are his instructions.

Only figs from the tree.
Perhaps he's right, I don't know.

- He cured himself before.
- Did he give any reason?

None.

It mustn't be touched by human hand,
not even by yours.

Perhaps he's right after all

No matter how many times
one tells them,

the kitchen staff never wash
their hands after using the lavatory.

He's too ill to go to Rome. He'll have
to stay here in Nola for a few days.

Are you feeling better?

There's a delegation here from Rome.

They?re waiting to see you.

Well. you're a fine one.

You made yourself worse
with all those figs.

I never heard anything
so ridiculous.

I only came on this journey
to look after you,

and you won't let me
or anyone else cook for you.

It's very embarrassing, you know.

People might think
we were trying to poison you.

I sent for Tiberius.

Fortunately, he wasn't too far away.
He'll be here soon.

Well. I thought
you might want to see him.

And he'll do everything
that has to be done.

Hasn't he always?

Of course...you two haven't
always seen aye to aye.

But that hasn't been entirely
his fault, you know that, don't you?

You were always inclined
to favour one over the other.

I've often spoken to you about it.

You made fish of one
and foul of the other so often

that no one knew where he was
or what he was.

You should have listened to me more.

You should have.

You know that, don't you?

I've been right more often
than you have, you know.

But because I was a woman,
you pushed me into the background.

Oh, yes...yes, you did.

And all I aver wanted was for you
and for Rome.

Nothing I aver did was for myself.

Nothing.

Only for you...and for Rome.

As a Claudian should.

Oh, yes, my dear. I'm a Claudian.

I think you are apt
to forget that at times.

But I never did.

No.

Never.

No.

(KNOCKING, DOOR OPENS)

How is he?

He's dead.

Augustus is dead.

The earth will shake.

I must go and see the senators
and the consuls from Rome.

Stay with him till I return.

By the way...

don't touch the figs.

Augustus has fallen
into a deep sleep.

He willed himself to stay awake
until my son arrived

and then, comforted by his return,
he dozed off.

There's no point
in your waiting here.

Come back again tomorrow.

Between now and then,
I will post bulletins on the door.

- You are Colonel Sejanus?
- Yes, Lady.

The son of the Commander
of the Guard?

Yes, Lady.

Your father has high regard for you.

I hope you won't find it misplaced.

- You know why you're here?
- Yes. I'll leave at once.

- Good.
- Lady.

Weight it with stones.
We'll bury it at see.

- Are you Fabius Maximus?
- Yes. What's the message?

It's here.

Let the will be read.

"This is the last will and testament
of Augustus Caesar,

"formerly Gaius Octavius
of the family of Julius,

"made on the 3rd April

"in the year of the consuls
Lucius Plancus and Gaius Scillius.

"For as much as a sinister fate
has bereft me of my sons,

"Gaius and Lucius,

"it is now my will that
Tiberius Claudius Nero Caesar

"become my heir in the first range
of two-thirds of my estate,

"and in the remaining third
of the first range,

"it is my will that my beloved wife
Livia shall become my heir..."

Come in.

"..and in recognition
of her life-long service

"shall if the Senate permit
adopt the name of..."

- What do you want?
- M-m-m...

Spit it out, boy!

M-m-mother said I might come
and offer my ccc...

Condolences?

Condolences. Yes, Grandmother.

It's a t-terrible tragedy.

Have you been in the Senate?

On the steps.
I'm not allowed in the Senate.

No, neither am I. They won't allow
me in because I'm a woman

and you because you're a fool
It's strange when you think of it.

It's full of nothing
but old women and fools!

They?ve read the will

That's what they think.

Pardon?

Where have they got to?

They asked Uncle T-Tiberius to take
Augustus' place, but he refused.

And I'll boot they asked him again,
and I'll boot that he said yes.

- Yes, he did.
- Well. what are they doing now?

Debating whether
to make Augustus a god.

Debating, are they?
What do you think?

I think they should.
I think it was f-f-foretold.

Really, now? And who foretold it?

J-J-J-Jove.

Jove, eh?

A hundred days ago, he melted
the "C" on one of Augustus' statues.

And what does that mean, idiot head?

If you strike out the letter "C"
from "Caesar",

the word "Aesar" is left,
and in Etruscan, Aesar means "god".

Deciphered some Etruscan now,
have we?

Yes, Grandmother.
I've been studying it.

Oh, you fool

If Jove wanted to talk to us,

don't you think he'd talk to us
in Latin, not in Etruscan?

What'd be the point of that?
Hadn't thought of that, had you?

All the same, I'd drop a note
to Tiberius, if I were you.

He could use all the arguments
he could get.

Will they make Augustus a g-g-god?

Oh, yes. He is a god.

And so shall I be one day,
I prophesy.

And here's another prophecy.

If Jove aver melts the "C"
off your name,

what's left will turn out
to mean "jackass".

Bye-bye, Clau-Clau.

All right. You can go now.

You wicked woman!

Wickedness!

Here, what's this? Eh?
Augustus' will!

You stole it!

His last will!

(HER LAUGHTER ECHOES)

Poison is queen!

Poison is queen!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(SILENCE)