I Am Not Okay with This (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Master of One F**k - full transcript

- [panting]
- [running footsteps]

[siren wailing]

[Sydney] Dear Diary,

happy fucking Friday.

- ["I Remember Lucy" by Thunderboots plays]
- ♪ This time ♪

♪ Make no mistakes ♪

♪ Keep all your secrets
Locked up in your heart safe ♪

[sighs]

- [Liam] Hey, Syd.
- Hm?

Do you think Banana Wigglesworth knows
he's a hedgehog?

And if he does,
do you think he likes being one?



Goob, trust me,
Banana's proud to be a hedgehog.

No question.

[squeaking]

[Sydney] Last night,
I almost convinced myself

that I cracked the wall in my bedroom
without touching it.

Mom says if you stare
at the toaster too long, it'll never pop.

But that's just what happens
when you live in a shitty house

with a shitty foundation.

Stuff starts to crack.

Yeah, well, see, what Mom doesn't know
is that I can do stuff with my mind.

Cool! Can I see?

♪ This time, make no mistake ♪

♪ Keep all your secrets
Locked up in your heart safe... ♪

- [Liam gasps]
- [Sydney] Whoa!



Whoa!

Didn't you wear that sweater yesterday?

[Sydney] Yeah, Mom. I did.

'Cause I'm disgusting.

[chuckling] Oh.

Listen, I need you
to do some shopping for me today

'cause we're about to run out
of everything.

- No thanks.
- I wasn't asking.

- How am I supposed to bring all this home?
- However you got it home last time.

In exchange for... sexual favors
with strangers. Got it.

Hilarious.

Hey, change your sweater.

Sydney.

You're making me look like a bad mom.

And I'm a friggin' good mom!

[door slams]

Grocery shopping. This is my life.

Meanwhile, Dina's dating Brad
and all I've got is...

[Stanley] Hey, Syd!

Hey.

[grinding]

[song playing on car stereo]

♪ Hey, little girl ♪

♪ You wanna cut me off ♪

- [creaking]
- ♪ Hey, little girl ♪

- ♪ Hey, little girl ♪
- [squealing]

- ♪ I'm really likin' your fringe ♪
- Hey.

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- Hey.

- You goin' to school?
- ♪ Hey, little girl ♪

- Yup.
- Yeah.

- ♪ You really got me shy, hey ♪
- Yeah, me too.

♪ Hey, little girl ♪

♪ I hope you're goin' my way ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We can meet up after school and ♪

♪ Hang out at the park ♪

♪ Don't let the June go
Pretty please, now... ♪

Can you believe some people are
already asking dates to homecoming?

So stupid. It's so far away.

Huh! [chuckles]

Yeah, totally.

Super far.

Like... like a whole week.

[woman] Let's go, girls. Get up.

Well, I hate to ask, but...

- can you give me a ride after school?
- Mm...

My mom just wants me
to go grocery shopping again.

I know it's lame, but...

No, no, no, Syd. I swear to God, I would.

I sort of promised Brad I would
go to the pep rally with him. So...

But isn't the pep rally for people like...

People like what, Syd?

People with, you know...

pep. [laughs]

I know it's stupid,
but it's a pretty big game, you know?

You're going to the game too?

Yeah. Do you wanna go?

- Sorry. I...
- What?

It's just... that jacket.

He's never given his jacket
to anyone before.

- Mm-hm.
- It's sweet.

Mm-hm.

So...

- So...
- [woman] Ladies, time to play!

♪ Baby, I'm over here ♪

- ♪ Waiting for ♪
- So Dina ditched me to hang out

- with Bradley "Dick for Brains" Lewis.
- ♪ You, my dear ♪

- Wore his stupid jacket...
- ♪ My dear, with your ♪

[clattering]

- ♪ Unkempt smile... ♪
- ...like some gross couple from the '50s.

And I need to still find a way
to buy some fucking groceries

- and get them fucking home.
- [rumbling]

[gasps]

[rumbling fades]

[dog barking]

[train horn blares]

What the fuck?

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Desperate times, stupid measures.

- Hey, I need your car.
- Oh, hey, Syd.

Not for long.
Just, like, you know, an hour.

Are you kidding?

[laughs] My dad would murder me.

He doesn't even know
I drive that piece of shit around.

Do you even have a license?

Of course I do.

Okay.

Let me see it.

Ah, forget it.

Wh...

W... Ah, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's fine. It's fine. I got this.

But I'm driving.

Uhh... Gladys, I'm gonna take 20.

Stan's car smelled like weed.

Just like my dad's old truck.

I'd always ask him about it
when I was a kid.

I'd ask why his truck smelled like skunk.

Years later, I finally realized
my dad was a stoner.

Hey, do you, um...
do you see that tower over there?

It's been there since, uh...
1890-somethin'.

Story goes that a hundred men died
building it.

There's no way it took one hundred men
to build that piece of shit.

Okay, well, it...
it was probably more like five,

but my great-great-great-granddad
was one of 'em.

He was not great.

[sighs]

Well, now that I think about it,
every Barber male tends to be a shithead.

So, guess it's up to me
to redeem the good old family name.

I've never seen your dad. Like, ever.

He drives an 18-wheeler,
like, 25 days a month.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

My life is way better
when he's not around.

Wish he'd just stay gone, you know?

And I just wish my dad was still here.

Oh, I didn't...

I... I didn't mean to... to, like...

It doesn't bother me.

Sorry, I just need
to drop something off real quick.

There might be more to Stanley Barber
than I thought.

See you next week.

What are you,
like a drug dealer or something?

I have clients.

Shit! How many?

Four.

Technically, one's my cousin.

[chuckles]

[Stanley] Just here.

If you think shopping sucks,
you can wait here.

Turns out, there's definitely more to Stan
than I thought.

- I'm here to support a friend.
- ♪ Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug... ♪

I mean, he's still pretty weird,
but he's also funny.

I mean, not that funny.

- Never mind, okay?
- Okay.

But he helped me out
when Dina totally bailed.

- That would ruin the fun of it.
- ♪ Grape wine in a mason jar ♪

- ♪ Homemade and brought to school ♪
- Oh, fun!

Right.

- Very boring shopping experience.
- ♪ By a friend of mine and after class ♪

- Yeah, it's pretty... pretty great.
- ♪ Me and him and this other fool ♪

Okay, it's gonna be... $67.99.

Fuck. Mom only gave me 50 bucks.

Uh... Can you ring it up again?
I think you overcharged me.

Which item, hon?

All of 'em.

Yeah, it's gonna be the same.

Are you gonna pay or what?

- Do you need me to spot you?
- No, Stan.

I'll just put it all back. It's fine.

[song playing in store]

♪ I will never, ever leave your side ♪

♪ And that, my love... ♪

Stanley Barber. Nice to meet you.

♪ I will always wait for you ♪

Calm down, Syd. Calm down.

- ♪ That's what I do ♪
- [rumbling]

[sighs]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Just calm down.

Pull it together.

♪ Come on, baby ♪

Breathe.

Breathe!

- Breathe, Syd.
- [loud heartbeat]

Just... breathe.

[heartbeat quickens]

Breathe.

- [silence]
- [inhales]

♪ You know that you are mine ♪

♪ I'm crazy about you, hey, yeah, yeah ♪

[Stanley] Whoa.

- Syd?
- ♪ I give you my love ♪

♪ And it won't go bad ♪

♪ Make me happy for eternity ♪

♪ Spend the rest of your life with... ♪

[train horn blaring]

Heyyy...

[exhales]

Panic attacks, huh?

My, uh...

My mom used to get those.

I mean, maybe she still does,
I don't know, but...

I... I mean, it... it sucks
that you get them too.

I'm sorry about that.

Why are you still talking to me?

Because everyone else
in this town's boring.

[chuckles]

I've never smoked before.

Do you wanna try?

Do you... do you want me to go first?

[laughs]

I just had to try it.

Try to numb whatever the hell's
going on inside me.

I just copied what he did.

I didn't even cough.

["Something On Your Mind"
by Karen Dalton playing]

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ Any way you made it was just fine ♪

♪ So you turn your days
Into night time... ♪

My eyes felt heavy.

My mind felt... empty.

I wasn't worried about groceries or Mom
or Dina or even maybe losing my mind.

[laughing] Hey.

Do you wanna go to the football game?

[laughs]

Absolutely not.

- [brass band playing]
- [cheerleaders] We, we want a touchdown!

We, we, we want a touchdown!

- Surprised you even come to this stuff.
- We, we

- We want a touchdown!
- It's so lame.

It's the opposite of lame, Syd.

It's theater. It's live theater.

Westinghouse Memorial High School
on a Friday night.

- Bring it in!
- [Stanley] What could be more tragic?

More Shakespearean?

Think about it.

The moment the lights come up on Hamlet,
you know it's not gonna end well.

- Take, uh... Mr. Bradley Lewis.
- [whistle blows]

His best case scenario is, what,

managing some regional
insurance sales company?

Where he gets to, I don't know,
call the shots on Employee of the Month?

I mean, these are the people
that will actually attend

the five, ten, 20-year reunion,
because, aside from this,

nothing else all that noteworthy
is gonna happen.

- [yelling]
- [whistle blows]

This is as good as it gets for them.

And I like watching 'em, like Hamlet,

when everything goes to shit
in the end...

and everyone dies.

I only wanted a boy
so I could keep up with Dina,

but maybe I don't have to pretend.

- It's the best theater in town.
- ["Little Girl" plays]

- ♪ Little girl, little girl ♪
- What if I actually like Stan?

♪ What a cute little honey ♪

[crowd groans]
- Ooh.

[moaning]

- [girl] Number seven, you guys.
- [boy] Whoa!

- [boy 2] Whoo!
- [boy 3] Go, Brad!

[girl] Come on, Brad!

Ah! Fuck!

[cheering and applause]

Yeah, Bradley! Go, Bradley! Whoo!

- [laughs]
- ♪ I never saw a gal so small ♪

♪ Givin' out orders to a guy so tall ♪

♪ The navy chief would answer
"Yes, yes, yes" ♪

[Sydney] Whoa, this is your room?

Yup.

[rock music plays]

Oh, my God! VHS?

Yup.

It's the best platform there is.

That is so not true.

[laughs]

Okay, uh, I... I'm not talkin'
about quality here.

I'm just saying the shitty texture
is key to the experience.

And I... I can't with LaserDisc.

I... Oh, God.

Don't get me started.

So, wanna smoke again?

[chuckles]

[Stanley] Okay.

- Would you... would you rather be...
- ♪ So ♪

["I'm Glad" playing]

- ♪ Sad, baby ♪
- ...an eagle or a jellyfish?

- That is such a non-question.
- ♪ So ♪

- What do you mean?
- Dude!

♪ Glad, girl ♪

- Eagle, hands down!
- ♪ When you ♪

- [laughs] Okay. All right.
- ♪ First ♪

- It's you next.
- ♪ Came around ♪

- All right.
- ♪ I was sad ♪

So would you rather have...

superpowers...

- or would you rather...
- Okay, I'm pretty sure

every person
on the planet would pick superpowers.

So what would they be if you had 'em?

I... I would most definitely be...

a shapeshifter.

But not to, like, go inside
the girls' locker room or anything creepy.

I just wanna turn into, like,

a giant-ass jellyfish.

- ♪ Walked in the park ♪
- [both laughing]

What is with you and jellyfish?

I... I... Okay.

I read somewhere that once...
once humans destroy themselves,

this planet isn't gonna belong
to the roaches.

How could it?
I mean, we're like 70 percent water.

I mean, roaches aren't shit. [laughs]

So what, we're gonna become, like...

the planet of the jelly?

Yup! And I will be their leader,

and we'll be battling the roaches,

and we'll swim the deep blue sea.

♪ You went away ♪

Sounds nice.

- ♪ Oh, I cried night and the day ♪
- Yeah.

- Okay. Um... Well, what about you?
- ♪ For what you done ♪

Pass.

What? Wa... Uh, wait. Okay. Lame.

- Pass. You go. You're next.
- Wait... Ugh. All right.

♪ You left me so blue ♪

Would you rather...

- tell me your deepest darkest secret...
- ♪ I don't know anywhere to go or ♪

...or...

♪ What to do ♪

[grunts]

♪ Please come back and let the ♪

- [sighs] I'll tell you my secret, Stan.
- ♪ Sun ♪

♪ Shine through ♪

But, when I tell you,
you cannot tell anyone.

- No one! Understand?
- ♪ Sun passed behind a cloud ♪

♪ So sad, baby ♪

Yeah, I... I promise.

- ♪ I felt so proud ♪
- [heartbeat]

- [exhales]
- [Sydney] Just tell him, Syd.

[loud heartbeat]

I got pimples on my thighs.

[laughs]

Ah! Wait, se... seriously? Why?

I don't know why! I just do, okay?

Well, let me see 'em.

[laughs] No!

They're so gross. [chuckles]

Oh, I bet I got you beat.

No way.

Okay.

Watch this.

It's backne supreme.

Holy shit!

- Disgusting!
- Uh-huh. And...

and it goes all the way down to my ass.

All the way inside my cheeks.

Oh, my God!

- That is so gross.
- Uh-huh.

I win.

Oh, hold on there, Stanley Barber.

Check...

this out. [chuckles]

Bam! I mean, you cannot compete,

and you cannot compare.

Wow.

That... Yeah, that is brutal.

I mean, I have never seen something
so disgusting.

- I know, right?
- [laughs]

I don't know exactly how to describe
the way I feel when I'm around Stan.

♪ Yeah, I'm so, so glad ♪

♪ Oh, so glad ♪

I'm... I'm so sorry.
Was that... was that bad?

I only know I feel a little less weird.

["I'm Glad" by Captain Beefheart
& His Magic Band playing]

♪ So ♪

♪ Sad, baby ♪

- ♪ So
- ♪ Walked in the park ♪

♪ Sad, baby ♪

♪ Kissed in the dark ♪

- ♪ So
- ♪ Leaves burned just like ♪

♪ Glad, girl ♪

♪ Just like a spark ♪

- ♪ I'm glad
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Glad about the good times ♪

- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ That we've had
- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Sad, baby ♪

♪ You went away ♪

♪ Oh, I cried night and the day ♪

♪ For what you done ♪

♪ I had to pay ♪

♪ You left me so blue ♪

♪ Please come back and let the ♪

♪ Sun ♪

♪ Shine through ♪