I Am Not Okay with This (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Dear Diary... - full transcript

[sirens wailing in distance]

[dog barking in distance]

[girl] Dear Diary...

go fuck yourself.

["I'm Not Like Everybody Else"
by The Kinks playing]

Just kidding. I don't know what to write
in this stupid thing.

♪ I won't take all of the hand-me-downs ♪

Anyway, hi.

My name is Sydney.

I'm a boring 17-year-old white girl.

I'm not special,
is what I'm trying to say,



and I'm okay with that.

♪ 'Cause I'm not like everybody else ♪

- ♪ I'm not like everybody else ♪
- We moved to Pennsylvania two years ago.

♪ I'm not like everybody else ♪

And not, like, a cute part
of Pennsylvania either,

but corn and cabbage and shit.

Like, my town's won the grand prize
for most polluted air in America

for a bunch of years in a row now, so...

- ♪ 'Cause I'm not like everybody else ♪
- ...yippee.

♪ I'm not like everybody else ♪

Ms. Cappriotti made me promise to do this.

Promise you'll do this.

She said it might help with my moods.

It might help with your moods.



I keep losing my temper.

♪ Like everybody else ♪

- ♪ Like everybody else ♪
- I don't want to, but it just spills out.

It's 'cause my dad
sort of died... last spring.

So I'm supposed to write... what, now?
I don't get it.

Anything. Everything.

Whatever comes to mind.

And now no one knows what to say to me.

Think of it like
you're just talking to yourself

and no one will ever read it but you.

[Sydney] Not even the guidance counselor.

Can I just...

use my phone?

Hmm... Your phone'll be distracting.
Don't you think?

I'd like you to have something
a little more...

therapeutic.

These things are never easy,

but I do want you to at least attempt

to have a normal high school experience.

I mean, she's pretty all right, I guess.

Even if she does smell like an old hippie.

Anyway, here's to
a normal high school experience,

whatever the fuck that means.

And yes, during arousal, there is
an increase in all sorts of things,

including adrenaline
and, of course, blood flow,

and the blood flow continues down

and then gets trapped within
the corpora cavernosa.

The penis expands,
and this is how the Homo sapien male

is able to hold an erection.

Yes.

From my experience, Mr. File,

the holding of an erection
is far more successful

in the hands of a Homo sapien female.

[suppressed laughter]

Very funny, Mr. Lewis.

Just talkin' science.

Moving on.

When a female gets sexually excited,

there is also increased blood flow

- to the genitals...
- Ah. Oh, come on, fire crotch.

- Laugh. That was funny.
- [Mr. File]...proceeds to swell.

Why is all this happening?

- [laughs]
- Your scrotum looks different than others.

That's an asymmetrical scrotum.

- [Sydney] My best friend is Dina.
- Having one is not at all unusual.

["I See It, I Like It, I Want It"
by Shirley Ellis playing]

♪ From the moment I laid eyes on you ♪

[Sydney] She's such a badass.

Normally, I don't think
she'd choose me as a friend,

but we both moved here
around the same time.

Both the new kids in town, you know,
so, guess I kinda lucked out.

♪ To make me happy ♪

Before Dina, I mostly just kept to myself.

I'm not the kind of person
that likes attention, really,

but she has this way about her that...

she just makes me feel different.

She was with me
when I found out about my dad.

Okay. You ready?

- She held my hand.
- One, two...

We cried.

And now, since then, she keeps me laughing

when all I wanna do
is melt into the floor.

Which sort of made me realize
I've never had a best friend before.

♪ Because I see it ♪

- ♪ And then I ♪
- ♪ I like it ♪

- ♪ And then I ♪
- ♪ And I want it ♪

- ♪ Yes, I do ♪
- ♪ Yes, I do ♪

So, I'm standing there,
trying to get by, and he's all like,

"Oh, who's the new girl in town?"

And I'm like, "Shut up. It's me, Dina."

Wait, this is Brad... Lewis?

Yeah.

He's sort of sweet, you know?

And then he asked me to homecoming.

[laughing]

Wait, and... and you accepted?

No. I told him to take his washboard abs
and chiseled jawline

and get out of my face.

[laughs] Yeah, of course I said yes.

Uh... Oh, my God.
You had sex with him, didn't you?

- [chuckles]
- Holy shit.

No way! Holy shit!

You gave Bradley Lewis your P-card?

Shh...

- Tell me he used a condom, because...
- Yes, of course.

I know.

Dina just got her braces off,
and her boobs suddenly arrived.

So, of course, golden boy Bradley Lewis
takes notice.

So, what, are you guys, like,

suddenly girlfriend and boyfriend
or something?

I mean,
we haven't put a label on it yet, but...

I really like him, okay?

This is the worst.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Sure, I get it.

Just give him a chance.

Oh, come on, there's gotta be someone
you sort of like. Just a little.

I don't know. I just guess
I haven't really thought about it.

Well, think about it.

And then maybe we can all go to homecoming
together, like a double date thing.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey!

Sorry I'm late.

- All good, babe.
- [kissing]

Ugh. They both call each other "babe."
Kill me right now.

Hey, Syd.

Bradley.

Do you think your mom could hook us up
with some burgers?

They're just so great here.

Huh. She's not working today.

I was just asking. [laughs]

Okay.

[Dina] Want a burger, Brad?
Let's get a burger.

I've got some cash.

- [Brad] Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Wanna share one, babe?
- Yeah. Oh, ketchup.

Help yourself.

So...

Dina's just great, isn't she?

Mm-hmm.

[chuckling] Jesus, do you ever smile?

Not today.

[scoffs]

[Dina] So, what have we decided?

Whatever you want, babe.

- Please. Please stop.
- You gotta try one of these fries.

- I wish you would just stop talking.
- [rumbling]

Wipe that smug smile
off his stupid, stupid face.

[high-pitched ringing]

- Oh, shit.
- [Dina] Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

- [Dina] Are you okay?
- Wait. What?

Yeah, fine. Just give me a minute.

- [Dina] Take a tissue.
- [Brad] Gimme a minute, all right?

[groans]

So, here's the deal.

Today, I almost convinced myself

that I made Bradley Lewis's nose bleed

with my mind.

Right.

Mostly, I just need to chill out more.

I am not losing my first and only
very best friend ever.

I'm happy for Dina,

and if dating Bradley Dickhead Lewis
makes her happy,

then I guess I'm okay with it.

[boy] Oh, hey, Syd!

Hey.

Stanley Barber.

He lives down the street from me.

Where I feel shitty about
basically everything about myself,

Stan is the master of zero fucks.

Oh, my leg fell asleep. One sec.

Aah.

[sighs]

Can I walk with you?

Sure. Why not?

Cool.

Cool.

Stan is kind of... weird.

You okay?

Shoes. Who needs 'em?

Uh... so, Bloodwitch, am I right?

What?

Bloodwitch. You like their music?

That's a... terrible name for a band.

Nah.Perfect.

Bet they sound like shit.

Well, I mean, I have...
I have 'em on vinyl...

limited edition, gatefold and stuff,

if you wanna... come over,
and we can listen sometime.

Oh.

We can get high.

I have never been high before.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, you don't have to.

I was... I was just, you know...

We... You know, we live so close,
and we've never really hung out before.

Uh, no, I guess we haven't.

But, yeah. Uh, maybe we should.

Yeah.

Cool. Uh...

Let me know.

What a world we live in, Sydney.

I live with my mom and little brother.

[woman] Sydney! Is that you?

Mom and I haven't been
getting along lately.

Nope. It's an axe murderer.
Good thing you asked.

Ha-ha! Very funny.

Hey. So apparently, Karen's dog
ran through a screen door or something,

so she had to go to an emergency vet.

- Okay.
- So I'm gonna pick up her shift tonight,

which is fine 'cause I owe her two shifts
from the time Liam ate all that cheese.

Well, thanks for telling me
your life story, Mom.

No. Wait, come back here.
I'm not done yet. Eyes on me.

Okay. Question. Big question.

Have you seen my stockings?

They were in the bathroom.
They were hanging over the shower curtain?

Oh, sorry. I thought they were dirty.

- No, they were drying.
- Well, I found them in the bathtub.

D... Well, where are they?
They're my last pair.

I sort of...

washed 'em.

Wait. In the washer?

Yeah, and I guess they sort of ended up
in the dryer, so...

[groans]

Oh, great.

Now I get to feel like sausage
while I'm serving it.

You don't really have to wear 'em,
do you? No one wears 'em anymore.

- Like, since the '90s.
- [sighs] Can you...

Can you just make sure that Liam
does his homework and eats some dinner?

Isn't he old enough to make sure himself?

Sydney, can you just do something for me,
anything, just once, without questioning?

[sighs]

Here I thought I was being so charming.

Nope. Not even a little bit.

Really doesn't matter
what we're talking about.

- [door slams]
- Mom and I could sit in silence

for the rest of our lives,
and she'd still annoy the crap out of me.

[cartoon playing on TV]

Hey, Goob. Done your homework yet?

Hours ago.

Soon as I got home. What about you?

Uh... I'll get to it.

Come on, Syd. Mom says you have
to work hard if you're gonna succeed.

Yeah, well, the plan's always been for me
to sit back and watch you succeed, Goob.

Oh, hey, who knows?

Maybe one day,
if you really work hard enough,

you get to be the one
to pay for my funeral.

- How was school today?
- Well, um...

Richard Rynard
punched Toby Gardner in the face,

and he got sent to Mr. Coffee's office.

Oh, yeah?

Yup, and I think I might be next, so...
I'm devising a plan. Check it out.

[Sydney] Holy shit, Goob. Is that for you?

[Liam] Yup. Designed it myself.

Breastplate, shin guards, spiked gloves...

But I'm not so sure about
the helmet situation just yet,

'cause I don't wanna block
my peripherals, you know, just in case.

It's really cool, man.
It's some of your best work yet.

Yeah, it's basically my Mark One,

and the first suit's
always the hardest to design,

so it's still a work in progress.

And, sorry, what was the plan again?

Well, I'm gonna build the suit
and kick Richard Rynard's ass.

Oh. Vengeance.

Got it.

[chuckles]

My family.

I guess we've never had a lot of money.

Like, every place we moved,
and we've moved a lot,

it's always some place like this.

It's like a lottery, I guess.

Some kids win big time
the moment they're born.

The rest of us,

we're all stuck with scratch-offs
and bottle caps and shit.

["I Should Not Be Seeing You"
by Connie Conway playing]

♪ You would do ♪

♪ Do your utmost ♪

- ♪ To destroy that feeling ♪
- Liam?

Yeah?

♪ That feeling for me ♪

If Richard Rynard ever touches you...

before you get your suit built
to kick his ass,

I'll pull his throat out...

with my bare hands
right in front of Mr. Coffee.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, like this.

- [growls]
- [squelching]

- You are so weird.
- [laughing]

Yeah, I know.

Okay, so... confession.

I started getting these zits on my thighs.

- I am straight up disgusting.
- [water dripping]

- ♪ I should not be ♪
- [sighs]

- ♪ Thinking of you ♪
- [dripping]

♪ Nor should you be... ♪

I've tried zit cream and soap
and all sorts of junk.

Nothing helps.

- They're not even that fun to pop.
- [rumbling]

[groans] Stop!

[silence]

It's probably just puberty.

I don't know.

[rock music playing]

[delivery notification]

[message alert]

So, Stanley Barber texted me.

- He made me listen to Bloodwitch.
- [message alert]

♪ Let me hear your voice ♪

♪ To bring me down ♪

♪ Waitin' for your lips ♪

♪ To bring me round ♪

♪ My life's shame and sorrow ♪

♪ Falling back ♪

♪ Lead me from my head ♪

♪ Down underground ♪

♪ Lying down until my soul turned flat ♪

Sometimes at night,
I want to touch myself,

but I don't.

Peanut butter helps.

[man on TV]...always in a fast-food rut,

or buying and not cooking it.

Millions have discovered the secret...

[Sydney] The later Mom gets home,
the more wine she drinks.

[yawning]

What are we watching?

[muffled] Don't know.

[man on TV] ...to the original...

[Sydney] We haven't talked about Dad
since he killed himself in the basement.

AC's broken.

The unit's probably just... overheated.

It's hot as balls in this house.

Open a window.

It's that heavy thing
we're all too afraid to talk about.

I got called in...
to the counselor's office.

- Why? What did... what did you do?
- Nothing.

She just...

She wants me to have, like...
an outlet or something.

An outlet for what?

Just, sometimes it feels like...

the people I love don't love me back.

Well... [sighs]

Maybe you're aiming too high, hon.

["Bad Things" by Cults playing]

She's such a bitch sometimes.

Dad would have understood,

but he hung himself,

so I guess I'm on my own.

♪ Run, run away, run, run away ♪

♪ Run away
Show 'em that your color is black ♪

Sometimes I wonder why he did it,

and why we never talk about it...

[rumbling]

...and what the hell is going on with me.

Why sometimes I feel like
I'm boiling inside.

[high-pitched ringing]

'Cause maybe...

[crashing]

...I am way more fucked up than I thought.

♪ Bad things happen
To the people you love ♪

♪ And you'll find yourself prayin'
Up to heaven above ♪

♪ But honestly
I've never had much sympathy ♪

♪ 'Cause those bad things
Always saw them comin' for me ♪

♪ I'm gonna run, run away, run, run away ♪

♪ Run away, run away and never come back ♪

♪ Run, run away, run, run away ♪

♪ Run away
Show 'em that your color is black ♪

♪ Bad things happen
To the people you love ♪

♪ And you'll find yourself prayin'
Up to heaven above ♪

♪ But honestly
I've never had much sympathy ♪

♪ 'Cause those bad things
Always saw them comin' for me ♪

♪ It would take some time
Just to see me shine ♪

♪ For the whole world to see me here
With all of my light ♪

♪ But honestly
I've never had much sympathy ♪

♪ 'Cause next time
They'll probably be comin' for me ♪