Hustle (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Hustlers News of the Day - full transcript

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A job well done, wouldn't you say?

Look at that, can't argue
with ?90,000, can ya?

But I do think Stacie
is a little bit frustrated.

I did not fancy him.

Yeah, right.

He was a mark.

You did say he was cute.

"Very cute," as I recall.

Yeah, cute for a record collector.



Shouldn't knock record
collectors, stacie.

They have very deep pockets.

I'm not knocking him.

I just didn't fancy him.

All right, don't go
on about it, Stace.

I'm not.

I have a mind
to get into record collecting.

Really?Yeah, you get? 000 a shot
for some people's albums.

Charming young gentleman.

Have you met him, albert?

Oh, yes, yes, I got
all their autographs.

Really? They must be worth
a fortune, aren't they?

Yes, and every time I sell
them they're worth even more.

So who's the bird then?



Emily shaw.

She and stacie
grew up together.

What, the one
with the charity?

Oh, right.

So what happened
to her, do we know?

You said the Sunday World
had printed an apology?

A paragraph on page nine.

Who's gonna read that?

Not after a front page
banner saying she defrauded

the charity and stole from the children

she's been
helping for years.

Will she recover?

I don't know, she's
still unconscious.

If she doesn't, it'll be
the Sunday World's fault.

I'm gonna get those bastards.

- Now, stacie, I know you're upset.
- No, I mean it, mickey.

If I was a man, I would
beat the crap out of them.

If I was a lawyer,
I'd sue them.

But I'm neither.

I'm a grifter.

So I'll use that.

Okay, we'll find a way.

Tabloids are
powerful, mickey.

They can destroy people.

I don't see why you
should all take that risk.

No, no, no,
stacie, come on.

We will all find a way.

Thanks, mickey.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

We have a new mark.

The Sunday World ran a
sensational story accusing

emily shaw of embezzling
funds from her own charity,

Educate africa.

Emily had withdrawn a
substantial cash sum,

but it was to pay for the
building of a new school.

Tribal leaders in the sudan
don't take credit cards.

When this was pointed out
to the world, they printed

a retraction, a
paragraph on page nine.

The editor, francis owen.

It was owen and this man,
timothy millen, who ran

the story on emily.

Yeah, I went to a
couple of journo bars.

Well, word is that, uh,
owen gives "scumbag"

a whole new meaning.

Millen's just a sniveling
creep, but he is ambitious.

So millen's probably
easier to target,

and we can use
him to get to owen.

Yeah, well, research
has been difficult.

The one thing these people
don't seem to write about is themselves.

However, most of them
have huge egos, so we use

the "who's who
of journalists".

I didn't know
there was one.

There isn't... yet.

What?

I don't care if you have
to wait there all week.

You sit on that doorstep.

Listen, when no one's
looking, try scraping

a key down the side
of his flash convertible.

That should get a bloody
reaction out of him.

Look, I'll make it simple.

You get me a quote
or find a new job.

Tosser.

I see you got one of those
questionnaires as well, boss.

They sent you one?

Must have been the piece I did about
camilla's cellulite.

Well, what d'you want?

Got a bit of
bad news, chief.

That emily shaw bird
we did a story on

just jumped off a bridge.

Looks like
attempted suicide.

You prat, miller, bad news?
It's the best news I've had all week.

You lost me, chief,
we only just run the apology...

Tthat's just it, you muppet.

If we run the attempted
suicide, it implies that

we were telling
the truth all along.

Yeah, but we weren't.

Who cares?

Innocent people
don't commit suicide.

They do if
they're depressed.

You've been watching too many
episodes of "trisha", mate.

Get out of here
and write it up.

Send her some flowers
to sweeten her up.

Show her we care.

All right.

Hey, heavy on
the suggestion,

the insinuation.

Got it.

What if, uh,
what if she dies?

Then she can't
answer back, can she?

"Reason for choosing
journalism as a career...

"quest for the truth.

"To fight injustice. "

Oh, please.

"Have I got a favorite restaurant?
"Wife's name... "

oh, here we are.

"Story you'd most
like to break...

"edward declares he's gay,

"marriage to
sophie is a sham. "

What about millen?

"Prince william in coke-
fueled orgy with kate moss. "

Ah, what nice men.

A bit of an obsession
with the royal family, don't you think?

I ain't nicking the
crown jewels again.

What?

Francis owen lists
favorite food as

"martin townsend's
heart, grilled on toast. "

Who's martin townsend?

He's the, uh, editor
of the sunday express.

They're locked in a
circulation battle.

Hate each other's guts.

What we need to do is come
up with the royal scoop

of the century.

What about ash
and camilla?

Why me?

Oh, I ain't being funny, mate.
She's more your age than mine.

I don't believe it,
danny's getting choosy.

Ha, don't get
me wrong, love.

I love the older bird.

Much more grateful, know
the way around the sack.

But ash would be
perfect with her.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

There was a story
my mum told me.

One of those sort of royal
urban legends, you know.

Now, I don't know if
we could make it work,

but this legend has it
that the queen mum, right,

god bless her, wasn't...

the queen mum.

Hello, yeah,
regal resemblance?

Yeah.

How's your fee
on queen mums?

What a load of bollocks.

Lovely, mate, got
anything for me?

Yeah, here you go.

Nice and sealed.

You on the job?

Yeah, you?

Yeah, Sunday World.

Wow... love to
be international.

Who you with, then?

Me, I've been at the
redding courier, uh,

five or so years
now, local news.

Mayor's new parking
initiative, that sort of thing.

Hold the front page, eh?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm chris carey.

Tim millen.

Oh... sorry.

You're the tim millen?

What, you've heard of me?

Heard of you?

You're my bloody hero.

No, really, uh, "prince harry,
uh, dressed as a hooker".

"Sophie wessex
found pregnant. "

Um, "posh finds
becks in the loos. "

You know your stuff.

It's time I moved
up to the top table.

What do you
reckon on this?

It's not a writ, is it?

No, no, no, research,
fast food restaurants.

What do you reckon they do
with all that fat they cook the food in?

Surprise me.

They dump it in london's
victorian sewers.

All that grease getting clogged up in
the sewers in great, disgusting numbers.

It's like a brilliant
metaphor for the-for

the arteries of the city being
clogged by-by all that fat.

How's about this
for a metaphor?

Your story is about as
much use as a one-legged

man at an ass-kicking competition.

Well, that's a simile.

You're leaving?

Places to be, matey.

Hey, tim, tim, tim.

There's, uh, there's
something else

I'm-I'm working on.

Uh, it's, uh,
it's sensational.

I haven't quite nailed
all the facts yet but,

uh, I think it's
worth listening to.

Okay, you got five
seconds to interest me.

One, two...

elizabeth bowes-lyon.
Eh?

Queen mum?

Yeah, I know who
she is, you muppet.

What about her?

I was doing some
research in a hospice.

Residents, you know,
complaining of ill treatment.

- Not interested.
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

One of the old
dears grabbed me.

She'd been a maid
at buckingham palace.

She had some
incredible gossip

about the queen
mum during the war.

Well, let's hear it.

Mr. Carey.

Oh, murphy, this
is tim millen.

The tim millen from
the Sunday World.

Hello, how do you do?

Mr. Millen.

I hope you haven't been
discussing our investigation.

You're not a journalist
as well, are you, murphy?

- No, I'm not.
- I didn't think so.

You don't look like the bunch
of slappers we got at the world.

Chris, I've made some real
progress with the case.

Now, it's your call, but maybe we could
go somewhere else and discuss it?

Let's, um, let's head
over to eddie's bar.

She's right, better not
say anything until I can,

stand all the facts up.

Still, great to meet you,
tim, and, uh, big fan.

See you again, or
read you again.

Huh, bye-bye.

What are those
hotels called?

Yeah, travel cabins.

Give 'em a load
of free papers

to hand out to guests.

We got to get our
circulation figures up.

When I'm being shafted
week in week out by

the express, I take
it personally.

Where the hell
have you been?

Chief, I've been, um,
I've been researching

this feature on
fast food restaurants

and their impact on the
london sewage system.

The fat that's getting
flushed down there is

actually congealing.

It's almost as if the
arteries of london are

getting blocked up.

It's a very
powerful simile.

I'm very excited about it.

That's it, that's what
you've been working on?

"Crap in the sewers shocker"?

Tim, you are meant to
be my top reporter.

I need a front page.

Get out there, get me
a great bloody story.

Will do, sorry.

Hey, elfie...

I read your robby piece,
it's cack, do it again.

What do you mean?
Just do it again.

How do we look?

That'll do fine.

Now let's get you
in the frame, yeah?

Okay, rolling.

Here she comes.

Here she comes, she
comes... she's there.

She in front of you, there.

Curtsey, lovely.

Right, and she's
moving back...

yeah, hello, mate, yeah.

Listen, uh, can you
transfer dvd to, uh, 16 mil?

Set it on my tab.

Dan, I just
remembered your tab.

You owe me 50 quid.

Oh, danny owes you 50, yeah?

I'm in character,
chris carey, journalist.

Said you wouldn't forget,
remember? I haven't.

Good.
I think.

Yes, mate, what
can I get you?

Uh, vodka and
coke, please.

Who's the bird?

Over there in the corner.

I'm sure I know
her from somewhere.

That's diane murphy.

She's a private
investigator, I think.

That's her.

Maybe that bloke with
her is her client and his

missus is playing
away from home.

Maybe... I think I'll
go and say hello, ta.

Good afternoon.

Tim, what are
you doing here?

Don't tell me, it's
a happy coincidence.

The thing is, you
got me going, mate.

If you think you've got
somethg on the royals,

I might be able to help you.

What have you
told him, chris?

Nothing, really.

Oh, there she
is, queen mum.

God bless her.

If you don't mind.

So what's your angle?

It's got to be good if
it's about the queen mum.

'Cause here's a little tip for ya,

on the big papers, we tend to write
about the royals who are still alive.

She's, uh, she's a special case.

Harold felgate...

this is a special case.

Seriously, mate, if you
decide to flog your story

to one of your provincial rags,
no one is gonna take one bit of notice.

You'll still be
a nobody, chris.

If you want to make a
splash with a royal story,

you got to break
it with a national.

I think we're gonna be
fine on our own, chris.

Look, no offense, but
you two are amateur hour.

I know more about the
royal family than you

two ever will...
you need me.

Really, know it
all, do you, tim?

A lot more than you do,
matey, that's for sure.

Well, let me ask you this.

Where's the queen
mother buried?

Well, that's a toughie.

St. George's chapel,
windsor castle.

Really, you reckon?

Because her son says
something very different.

Her son?

She never had a son.

Please, chris, I think
we need to leave now.

Yeah... I'll see you, tim.

Hi, it's me.

Get a cab to the
homage hotel, pronto.

Sunday World, mate.

Was millen outside?

Yeah, he was.

I need a couple of
hours, emily's conscious.

That's good news.

We'll just sit tight here.

I'm sure it won't be
long before millen bites.

Slip out the back.

Hello.

Hi, stacie.

How are you feeling?

We've been so
worried about you.

I was an idiot to
let it get to me.

I wasn't thinking straight.

But you're all right now?

Well, that's
the main thing.

Wow, it's like a
florist's in here.

Who bought you
those carnations?

If you believe it, that
monstrosity is from

the world.

You're joking?

There's a get
well card too.

"Perhaps you'd like the opportunity
to tell your side of the story. "

They want an interview.

Yeah, like that's
gonna happen.

How can people do
things like that?

They're unbelievable.

To make things up
with no foundation.

Well, maybe those
bastards will get

what's coming to them.

Nothing.

Where's your
story, millen?

Chief, there's
something cooking.

Got a big lead.

Queen mother, possible
love child angle.

You what?

Could be a biggie.

Does the name harold
felgate mean anything to you?

Well, I'm piecing it all
together now, so

I'll bring you something as
soon as it's all in place.

This better lead to
something, millen.

I want a story on my desk
today or you might find

yourself writing obits.

Tony, how's life
below stairs, mate?

You got anything for me?

Nothing at the
moment, tim.

The shutters have come down
big time, since you ran that

story about charles
flogging off the silver.

Yeah, that was a
cracker, wasn't it?

Listen, queen
mother, war years.

Any rumors I
shouldn't know about?

Secret trysts?

It could be nothing, but
I keep hearing the name

harold felgate.

Felgate?

No, I haven't heard
that name around here.

Listen, tim,
I've got to go.

Chris.

Tim.
You all right?

Yeah, so, uh, what
are you doing here?

How would you like a
job on the Sunday World?

And, uh, I'll
get my own desk?

Right next to mine.

What about money?

I make? 0 k
at the courier.

We'll double it.

- Are you serious?
- You let me help you with this story,

and everything will be
negotiated in good faith down the line.

What d'you say?

Who's that?

That's the
young queen mum.

No, that's a lady called

cynthia felgate.

You're winding me up.

No, no, no, no, I told you before,
the old dear in the hospice.

She told me the queen
mum died of t. b. In '41.

If it got out, it
would've been disastrous

for british morale.

I mean, hitler... hitler
described her as the most

dangerous woman in europe.

She's the spitting image.

Exactly, that's the point.

A commoner was found in
the east end who looked

exactly like
the queen mum.

This woman, cynthia felgate,
was put in her place.

That's the story,
I followed it up.

Journalist's instinct, yeah?

I deal in facts,
not instinct.

Yeah, me-me too.

That's why out of my own
pocket I hired diane murphy

to do a bit of
digging around,

to check the old
girl's story out.

And?

She found cynthia
felgate's son.

The geezer you got
in the room upstairs.

How do you know that?

I got my sources.

So what's the plan?

He's the only
living relative.

He's the key to blowing
this whole thing wide open.

I want to meet him, I
want to meet the son.

That's the deal,
take it or leave it.

I thought you were an independent.

No, no, I'm at the
Sunday World now.

Tim and I are covering
the story together.

- That's not a problem, is it?
- Well, it might be.

My client still has the right to take
the story to the highest bidder.

And who are you?

Bob salgreen, managing
director of salgreen

management in new york city.

You a lawyer?

No, I'm mr. Felgate's publicist.

And as such, I decide who he talks to.

And since we haven't been
paid a dime to cover our expenses,

I may well advise
my client to say nothing.

Oh, hang on, bob.

Your client'd still be joe
schmo from poughkeepsie

- if I had not dug this story...
- Let's just all chill out, shall we?

I'm on board now, mr.
Felgate, and I can

tell you that my
editor, francis owen,

will make you a very
attractive offer.

Of that, you have
my word, okay?

You're twisting my nuts.

Is that good?

I don't think so.

You're telling me the
queen mother is actually

an imposter called
cynthia felgate?

Exactly, chief, this man
is her son... harry?

Mr. Carey's call couldn't
have come at a better time

for me... you see,
I've-I've been living,

uh, I am living in very
reduced circumstances.

Gambling debt, so on.

And after the call I went
right to mr. Salgreen here.

I advanced my client some
funds, paid some bills,

things like that.

Oh, and we got some
things out of storage,

which is where
we found... this.

What's that?

My client received this
anonymously through

the mail about a
few years ago.

As you see, chief, it's
actually postmarked

february, 2002, a month
before the queen mum died.

So, cynthia decided on
her deathbed to reach out

to her long lost son?

What you got in there?

Proof.

We have...

cynthia felgate's,
uh, birth certificate.

Uh, pictures of, uh,
her and harold here

and herself, oh, and this.

Look, as you can see,
the resemblance is,

uh, uncanny.

Cynthia was actually
a few years younger than

the queen, and-and that's
why they say the queen mum

lived so long, apparently.

I was told that my mother
was killed in a london

bombing and that I was,
uh, evacuated to the u. s.

As an orphan.

Do you mind if I hold onto these?

Yeah, I don't see why not.

And this?

This is an old piece of
film, but I don't have

any machine to run it on.

Oh, I'm sure we can
sort that out for you.

Look, this is an
interesting yarn,

but none of this
amounts to proof.

Well, if you don't want it
I'm sure another paper will.

Don't play
hardball with me.

Even the sport wouldn't run
with this, and they think

that elvis is
living on the moon.

If you want me to
go to print with this,

I'm gonna need
something concrete.

Okay, let's say-let's
say we get you that.

What would a story
like this be worth?

If I got all the rights?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe...

quarter of
a million?

Is that, uh,
is that dollars

or-or-or sterling?

Sterling.

You've got the birth
certificate, chief.

She was born, she existed.

Must be a paper trail
of documents somewhere.

Public records, library
cards, all that crap.

Oh, we can piece her
life together, chief.

This has got to
worth a punt.

You got till saturday.

If it checks out, you've
got the front page.

Yes!

Before we go any further,
is anyone else worried?

Problem, danny?

Yeah, this is a risky con, mick.

It's a newspaper.

If this blows up, all of
us, faces in the tabloids.

Knackered.

Do you all want
to pull out?

No, no, no, we agreed, we can do this.

Can't we, danny?

It's millen.

Chris carey.

Hi, tim.

Yeah, lovely, yeah,
I'll get there, yeah.

Bye-bye.

He wants to meet at
eddie's in an hour.

He's obviously buying it.

Maybe, but owen isn't.

We've still got
a long way to go.

All right, let's do it.

Okay, ash, you set up?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Good, then I will meet
you two at eddie's bar

in an hour.

Got the time, mate?

Michael stone.

I work for her
majesty's government.

We've been monitoring
francis owen for some time.

The libelous stories his
paper continues to print

about the royal
family have become

a matter of concern.

So, why am I here?

Normally we wouldn't
bother ourselves with

your petty criminal
activities.

But we are concerned
about the lies you're

constructing about
the late queen mother.

You're telling me that the
queen mother was actually

an imposter called
cynthia felgate?

This man is her son.

Be under no illusions.

Your lives won't be worth
living if you proceed.

Understand?

Yes?

You seen any of these?

Yeah, next door is riddled with them.
Can you clear out for a couple of hours?

- You got a mobile I can get you on?
- Uh, yeah.

I'll bill when we're through, all right?

You better come in a minute...

is this the harold
felgate thing?

Yes, chief, I put the
clip on the hard drive.

I'll start trying to clean it up.

But it's not just a case
of photoshopping something.

The images are quite
badly downgraded.

Get what you
can off of it.

Where's salgreen?

To be honest, I- I don't know.

We should start
without him.

Okay, let's, uh,
I'll put that there.

So, questions.

House where
your mum lived...

do you remember
where it was?

I'm trying to think.

It was in the
east end, yeah.

East end?

And the number was
something... 20 some...

I- I think, you know, I
lived in so many houses

in so many years,
it's just...

Sorry, hi.

Hi, where were you...
we were worried.

Uh, so many streets,
it's very confusing.

- I got lost.
- Investing in you, mate.

We ain't got time for you
to take the scenic route.

Oh, okay.

So let's just focus
on this place.

The east end.

Anything else
you remember?

No.

Yes!

There was a row of
terraced houses.

Terraced.

Terraced houses?

Well, that narrows it down
to about 4,000 streets.

Oh, diane, thanks
for coming.

Mr. Millen.

New arrangement
in place, darling.

I'm on the team.

So now that there's
a pro running things,

you can take a backseat.

Hang on a minute, millen.

You're firing me, I
haven't even been paid yet.

You're not fired.
A little bit out of order, that, tim.

No, it's not
quite like that.

I just thought we'd get a
better deal at the world.

Calm down, love, what,
is it time of the month?

Excuse me?

Oh, blimey, she's
getting upset.

That's no good.

The last bird I upset
ended up throwing herself

in the thames.

I'm not joking.

I don't like men
like you, millen.

You're scum and you
ruin people's lives.

You write whatever you
want without any thought

for the people you hurt.

We sell two million
copies week in, week out.

If there wasn't a market for
it, I wouldn't have a job.

And I respect that.

I just hope you can
respect my work in return.

Well, of course.

How would anyone
ever get divorced without

people like you sniffin'
around hotel rooms for 'em?

I've got that address that
you wanted, by the way.

What address?

The felgate house.

Cynthia's name is on
the deed of a house in the east end.

Number 23 paradise
street, e-2...

Yeah, that's it.

I'm impressed.

This is as good as
it's gonna get, boss.

That's the queen
mum in the east end.

Hold it there, that's
felgate, all right.

There's the birthmark.

Can you move in any closer?

Can you get me some stills of this?

No problem.

Yeah, it's all coming
back to me now.

There weren't any
cars here, of course.

We used to play football
for hours here in the road.

Anybody in?

Hello.

You're wasting your time.

The yuppies are
on holiday again.

Bloody property developers.

No locals left
before long.

Good afternoon.

Can I just ask you, have
you lived here long?

All me life, sir.

Can we ask you
some questions?

If you're from
the council,

the dog's gone
back to the kennel.

We're not from the council, mate.
We're from the Sunday World.

Ah, I know, you're from the
revenue, aren't you, eh?

No, he just told you,
we're from the Sunday World.

I read the mirror.

Can you read this?

I'll put a kettle on.

I was only eight, yeah, but
I remember the felgates,

harry and cynthia.

Oh, she was lovely,
she was, yeah.

We used to call
her queenie

on account of her
resemblance to, uh...

how well did
you know them?

Well, I used to
play with harry, yeah.

And then one day they was,
uh, they was just gone.

What happened to cynthia?

Oh, I-I don't know, sir.

We were told she
died in the blitz.

Yeah, maybe,
maybe, you know.

There was-there was
many killed, you know,

night after night there.

Your name is
shawn, isn't it?

How do you know?

Would you believe it,
harry felgate, yeah.

You're all grown up
and american, yeah.

You haven't still got that pack
of marbles I lent you, have you?

No, I traded them for a
skyscraper in new york.

How about you, huh?

I said, how about you?

Hold on.

Christ almighty.

You say her name was edna?

Edna, yeah,
yeah, number 19.

19, then she was on the
same side of the street.

Yeah, that's right.

Chief.

Millen, what's going on?

Well, it's like a bloody
family reunion here.

Seems our harry was a big
hit with the neighbors.

He's checking
out here as well.

Get everyone over, now.

Will do.

Same broach, all right.

That's absolutely
incredible.

This is gonna be the
scoop of the century.

It's not quite enough.

You've got to be
kidding me, chief.

My mother's broach
for certain.

They could've just had the
same taste in broaches.

It doesn't prove
she was a stand-in

for the queen
mum, does it?

That whole side
of the story

is still circumstantial.

Does that bother
people like you?

It's a question of
degree, my love.

Saying that posh
spice had a boob job

isn't quite the same as
saying that dear old

queen mum was an impostor
called cynthia felgate.

No, there's
only one thing

that's gonna clinch
this, I'm afraid.

What's that?

Ow.

You mean dna?

Yes.

Chief, how are we gonna
get the queen mother's dna?

I know they've got
her dressing table

as part of the royal
collection, chief.

I'll do it.

I'll go in.

No need.

I've got good connections
at the palace, chief.

I think I can swing it.

I mean, if the mirror
can get a man in there

for three weeks, I'm sure
I can manage an afternoon.

Well, get the dna
back to the lab

by 8:00 saturday night.

If it matches,
we've got a story.

If it doesn't, I'll have
a lovely photo of you two

on my front page instead.

The men who tried to
frame francis owen.

I like it.

Yeah.

That broach was supposed
to be the clincher.

There's no way that my dna
is going to match the queemother's.

Well, there is a
simple way around this.

Yeah, well, we ain't gonna
dig up the queen mum, are we?

No, of course not...
sorry, albie...

ah, that hurt.

We'll have to plant
albert's dna first.

You are joking,
millen's got an inside man.

- We're never gonna get in there.
- No, stacie's right.

We can do this,
danny, we have to.

Where'd you get all this stuff, ash?

Probably best
you don't ask.

Now, time's everything.

Albert will be in contact with danny
and I'll pass it down the line to you.

Got it, what about the
surveillance cameras?

It was tricky with the short notice,

but I hacked into the cctv but
I can't shut them down.

All I can do is track where
you are and see if stacie's

got enough time to
plant albert's hair.

Apart from that, you're
on your own, all right?

You're late, you
idiot, put this on.

Have you ever tried running
without looking suspicious?

All the queen mum's
stuff is on display

in the queen anne room...
it's marked on that map.

Right.

What are we actually looking for?

There's a cabinet containing
all her personal stuff.

Her hairbrush will
be covered in dna.

Hairbrush in the
queen anne room.

These passes will get
you inside and out.

The keys will open
the display cases.

If anything goes wrong, I
don't know ya, I've never

met ya, and you didn't
get this stuff from me.

All right, relax, mate,
you'll give yourself an ulcer.

There you go, 3 000, easy money.

You get all
this, albert?

Yes, now see if you can
hold them up until stacie

and michael get to
the queen anne room.

Aren't you ready yet?

Just got a bit of a wedgie.

Just come on, will ya? Take that...
listen, the only reason you're here

is if I go down, you
go down with me.

I just wanted to say
before we, you know,

- thank you for letting me in.
- Yeah, all right.

And I just also want to
say that I'm really...

shut up. Stop arsing around
and let's get on with it.

Hello, mate.

Cheers.

Two tickets please.

You going away this year?

- Where are you going?
- Portugal.

Oh, very nice.

God, it's massive!

So is this the, uh,
servant's quarters then?

Keep it down, chris.

We work here, remember?

Yeah, that's right.

Regency corridors,
first floor.

Regency corridor,
first floor.

They're heading to the regency corridor
on the first floor.

Ash, we're in, hook up.

Yeah, I can see you.

You need to head to
the queen anne room.

Millen's in the servant's
quarters making his way

up through the
regency corridor.

As soon as we pick
him up we'll get...

what the hell is going on?

Oh, what a
pile of crap...

we're just entering
the regency corridor.

So this is the
regency corridor.

Is it, I don't know.

How long before
millen gets here?

Yes.

Mickey, he's right
on top of ya.

I could use a
little help here.

Danny, michael
needs a diversion.

Uh, millen, is it me or does...

madge look like one of her corgis

did a little bit of a
whoopsie under her nose?

- What are you talking about?
- Just a little...

just stop pissing about... We've got
to figure out where the hell we are.

Not like-like she does in the..

stamps, when you see it.

What?

It's right, it's right.

It's through, really?

Yeah, there it is.

Are you sure this is the right way?

Definitely.

Okay, ash, we're here.

You're looking for the
queen mum's hairbrush

in the main cabinet.

The cabinet's in the
middle of the room.

There are three cameras
in total, one on the door,

two on the balcony, each
doing a 180 degree rotation.

There's only a three-
second window when

the cabinet isn't covered
by one of the cameras.

She'll never
do it, mick.

Danny can't hold
millen forever.

Stacie will never
beat the cameras.

The three second clearance
just isn't enough.

I think you should
get out now.

No, no, wait.

I may have a blind spot.

Blind spot?

I can't see it, mate.

Trust me.

In 30 seconds, on my cue.

I don't see this
blind spot, mick.

She's in full view.

Excuse me.

Uh, but could you
tell where the, uh,

prince phillip
collection is please?

What in the hell
is going on?

Ash, what's happening?

I don't know, it's just gone, isn't it?

Come on.

If you carry on
down this corridor...

mm-hmm.

Come on.

It's the second
door on the left.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

I'm sorry, I-I got
completely confused.

Jesus, where
the hell are we?

I'm sure I saw some
display cases over there.

We're back here again,
tosser, it's this way.

Danny can't stall
millen anymore.

Work, you bastard!

Yes...

I don't see 'em.

Where are they?

Mickey... stace.

Well, I hope they planted
it because millen's here.

There's a guard.

What do you
distract him with,

a fake heart
attack or something?

All you need is
balls, chris.

Just watch and learn, son.

All right, we got called in to fix a
wonky latch, it shouldn't take a minute.

It all looks fine to me.

I don't know what
the problem was.

Jesus.

What happened, did you do it?

I told you we'd
find a blind spot.

Well done, you two.

But did millen take
the hair, albie?

Yeah. He's been bragging about it for
the last five minutes, listen.

There's only about
3 journalists in the country

would have the balls to do that, chris.

You just wait until that
gets around the city...

I'll never have to buy
another drink again!

Then, let's go see owen
and pick up our check.

Right.

Millen's gone
down to the lab

with the dna sample.

I'm expecting a call
from him any minute.

Great.

So, can we talk
about our? 50,000?

Why don't we wait to hear
what the lab has to say?

Owen here.

It's an exact
match, chief.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Yep, only ever see
it with maternal dna.

Thank you very much.

We have a deal.

Yes!

I knew it, I knew this
story was a killer.

I guess it's that time.

Yes, it certainly is.

? 50,000, as agreed.

Have you seen "who wants
to be a millionaire?"

What, the-the game show?

Where he writes the
check and then he goes,

"but I don't want
to give you that. "

- Sure.
- I love that bit.

Hey, now, what
are you doing?

Get out of my office.

What?

Put yourself in my place.

A quarter of a million
is a lot of money.

But this is my story.

I'm not going to give
you an interview,

or the photos, or the film.

I don't need it,
I've got a dna match.

I can just say I uncovered
the whole scandal by using

my diligent research
and my incredible nose

for a story, which is why
I am a fleet street editor

and you are just a couple
of punks on the make.

I want my hair back.

We'll take this
story somewhere else.

Too late, mate, the
presses are running.

I'm gonna sue you.
I'll sue you for every penny you've got.

Be my guest!

Are you familiar with
the british legal system?

My lawyers will tie you up
for the rest of your life.

Get out of here, I've
got a paper to run.

Harry.

Chief, have I
still got my job?

Piss off.

Porque me van
a dar un...

So he stiffed us.

I'm afraid so.

Given owen's reputation,

I thought that
might be the case.

So, I came up with plan b.

I'd like to see the
editor, martin townsend.

Do you have an
appointment?

I called this morning.

So what can I do for you?

How much would you pay me
to take down the editor

of the Sunday World?

? 00,000, as agreed.

You and your bleeding
plan b's, mickey.

Well, I can't
take all the credit.

It appears that we weren't the only
people interested in the Sunday World.

Normally we wouldn't
bother ourselves

with your petty
criminal activities.

But we are concerned
about the lies

you're constructing about
the late queen mother.

Be under no illusions.

Your lives won't be worth
living if you proceed.

Um, what if my intention

was to bring down the
editor of the Sunday World?

My employers might have some
sympathy with that cause.

So we can proceed?

On the condition that you
tell no one whatsoever

about this meeting.

Perhaps you may be
willing to help?

What blind spot,
I can't see it.

Trust me.

We're here,
stacie's in position.

Okay, we're on it.

Now!

What?

What the hell
is going on?

Can you tell me where...

come on.

I'm in, it's back on.

Mickey, I'll tell you
what, son, you completely

excelled yourself
on this one.

I really thought we had
completely wasted our time,

but check it out.

? 00,000 smackaroonies.

Sorry.

Hey.

Ah, I knew we
should've mentioned it.

What?

I thought it would
be a nice gesture for us

to donate this to
emily's charity.

Hold up, hold up, hold up!

I thought we were
ruthless con artists.

When did we turn into robin hood
and his merry bleedin' men?

Just this once.

Yeah, well, I think maid
marian here's taking the piss.

Listen, she is a really good friend
who's been through a really tough time.

Yeah, well, so have I.

It's on the wire services...
owen's resigned.

Millen?

Sacked... had to clear his desk and
marched out of his office by security.

Hey!

Poor thing. Still, millen has got
that story you gave him

about the fat in the
sewer, doesn't he, danny?

Did I say fat?

Slip of the tongue.

I meant to say raw sewage.

All that work
for no return.

Come on, danny, we're
hardly out of pocket.

What about the score from
the record collector?

Yeah, well, what's wrong
with having two scores?

Danny, my dear boy, those
feelings you have inside.

They're virtue and
generosity and content.

Really?

How long before
they wear off?

This is brilliant.

And this is just a little
donation from friends.

Thank you so much.

You know, mick, at first
I was a bit surprised

those ml-5 boys were so
keen to bring down owen.

Yeah.

Mmm... but then I thought,

what if our story was true?

Oh, come on, ash.

Come on, now,
let's go.

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