Huge (2010): Season 1, Episode 4 - Talent Night - full transcript
Becca forms a LARP'ing group, while Will runs into a classmate from another camp.
No seconds.
And be honest.
I can take it.
Actually, I never eat
after dinner.
I want to get to know him,
because he's my father.
This is actually an area of the
camp that we consider off limits.
We were only there for,
like, five minutes.
There were these other kids
there from the other camp.
You should go for it.
I think you'd be cute together.
One, two...
# So your
girlfriend rolls a Honda #
# Playin' workout tapes
by Fonda #
# but Fonda ain't got a motor
in the back of her Honda #
So it goes step, step,
down... Beyoncé hand.
- No, like...
- Yeah, OK, so it's...
# My anaconda don't want none #
# Unless you got buns, hon #
What's up, ladybug?
Well, Carter said she was
gonna do a talent with me,
And then she... She just
backed out last minute,
and now I don't have anyone
to do something with.
Oh, well, what about
Chloe and Amber?
They just seem like they
have everything set.
Just ask them.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So, it's step, step, kick...
Hold it, what comes
after the kick?
# So you can do
side bends or sit-ups #
# But please
don't lose that butt #
And then we could turn,
like...
No, my butt
looks better in profile.
Actually...
...depends where
Trent's gonna be sitting.
Switch sides.
This is my good side
But what if
this is my good side?
You have two good sides,
I have none.
Chloe, you have such
a better butt than me!
That's so not true!
Can we skip the nightly
"who's fatter" contest?
This is a private conversation.
Come on,
let's rehearse outside.
Wait, what comes after the kick?
Now I won't sleep tonight.
I can't believe
I was ever friends with her.
Wait, you used to be
friends with Chloe?
How did such
a fate befall you?
You said "befall. "
I did. I need counseling.
She was a completely
different person last summer.
She used to be a person?
We were actually really close.
Then I guess it turned
out I wasn't cool enough.
It's like our friendship
never existed, so...
She's so judgmental.
She's jealous.
Like, last year
I was like a size 18?
And the more weight I lost, the
more girls here started to hate me.
It's normal.
Uh... listen...
If you need more people...
Sure. I mean...
Thanks, but...
I mean, it's hard enough
figuring it out with just us.
- But thanks.
- Yeah, thanks!
OK, start from the beginning.
OK, one, two...
# I like big butts... #
So whoever
made that turtle
and neglected to glaze it,
it is still in the arts
and crafts hut.
- If you wish to claim it, see Poppy.
- Good morning!
Or it will be smashed
to bits in front of you,
if that's your choice.
Lastly... Talent Night!
It's not too late
to participate!
My talent is fun-sucking.
I can literally suck the
fun out of any situation.
If I may say.
...hidden talents
that you might have.
So sing a song, tell a joke...
- Hey, Chloe.
- Do a dance.
I think there's even an old
magic kit in the rec room...
...somewhere...
and I seem to remember
that Salty knows a little
bit of magic. Don't you, Salty?
No seconds.
This popover worries me.
You know, I found her
a great chef.
You lost weight just
smelling this person's food.
But who does she go with?
This guy.
- I love this popover.
- Why?
- Because it's moist...
- No, why him?
- What's he even done?
- Dr. Rand would never...
You just like it because
it's stuffed with cheese.
Stuff anything with cheese,
people lose their minds.
Low fat cheese.
You really think he's making
it taste this good without fat?
I mean, look at him.
I'm saying something.
I'll... arm wrestle you for it.
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# Hail to thee Camp Victory #
# Where hope shines
like a star #
# Although the summer
sun may set #
# We promise
we'll not soon forget #
- # Camp Victory #
- # How wonderful you are #
My mom makes this
incredible French toast.
With, like, cream
cheese inside it.
Ooh.
I miss that French toast
more than I miss her.
Here's what I do:
Cookie dough ice cream...
...microwaved.
Then I put peanut butter
on top. Then...
Wait for it...
...trail mix.
- Eww!
- No, it's so good.
It's delicious. Stop!
- Best breakfast so far.
- Totally.
Will, you have to do your Rand
impression for talent night.
- Yeah.
- Do you have a hair thing?
Come on, you have to. Please?
I'm not your trained seal.
You know, if you rehearse
something for talent night?
You get to skip an activity.
I'm in.
Wait a second...
No. You said yes!
No backsies!
Sometimes she likes to shoot a
few hoops before first activity.
Oh, I'm not sure she'd
want me to tell people that.
Tell me what?
So are you doing something
for Talent Night?
Maybe. I'm trying
to write a song...
Wow.
Bear in mind I've only
written two songs...
...two and a half...
in my life.
I kinda hate both of them.
I'm saving mine.
I made this with olive oil
instead of margarine.
It's the good kind of fat.
You remember that altercation?
Some of the kids
from our camp
had with some kids
from tennis camp?
They hired a land surveyor...
To determine
the property line!
I don't have any pictures of
you, from when you were little.
Your mother kept them all.
That could be him...
Yes...?
It's me, Shay.
- It's important.
- Come in.
- Oh.
- I'll be right back.
- Um...
- Yeah?
She's a bundle of nerves.
Like her mother.
She doesn't get that from me.
He'll be here any second.
What's up?
Um...
Well...
Um...
One of the kids might be
doing an imitation of you.
- For Talent Night.
- Oh.
Is it Will?
Yeah.
I just thought that
you should know. You know?
Well, you're expecting someone.
I've got Kickboxing with Shay.
Why would she assume
I'd have a problem
with someone imitating me?
Will's the girl who likes
basketball, right?
I have
no idea what she likes.
Except being overweight,
she loves that.
"My fat's my BFF!"
May I help you?
- Ms. Rand?
- Dr. Rand.
And this is my...
our chef, Mr. Salzniak.
Hi, uh... Lake Knoll Tennis camp
asked me to take a look
at your property line.
I left you a few messages?
Yes, you left me
quite a few, Mr...
- Wayne.
- Mr. Wayne. Yes, I...
Wayne's my first name.
I see, well,
I couldn't return...
I'm not Batman.
Isn't that Batman's last name?
- Bruce Wayne, yeah.
- ... to return your messages,
because I have
my own camp to run.
Uh, would you excuse us
just a minute?
Dot?
Uh, you can catch more flies
with honey than with vinegar.
OK, why are you
calling me Dot?
I always called you Dot.
When you were little.
Did you hear what
I said about flies?
I don't care about flies.
I just need to walk the
property line, if that's OK.
But if it's not,
you'll do it anyway, right?
I mean, you work
for them, not me.
He's not on anybody's side, Dot.
I'm not on anybody's side.
I just care what the map says.
Why don't you
walk it with him?
You know,
keep an eye on him.
Don't touch my popover.
I'm not! Jeez!
Hey...
Someone's journal.
What are you doing?
Don't open it!
I have to,
to see whose it is.
Hey, you're reading it!
Listen to this.
"Dead leaves fall up. Rewind.
If I could be a child again,
I'd do it right this time. "
I'm bringing it
to the lost and found.
Let's get this party started!
And jab!
Cross! Kick!
Kick! Kick!
And jab! And cross!
And kick!
Are you OK?
And kick back!
Alistair, You're late!
Sorry, I had to... Um...
Get that popover
out of my sight!
Jab! Cross!
Kick! Kick!
# Gonna see me again #
Is this
what most people do?
- No...
- Walk the property with you?
Most people just trust me.
Can we just, uh...
Can we... hold on
a minute, Dot?
Don't call me Dot.
Oh. I thought I heard
your chef call you that.
He doesn't realize that people
don't call me that anymore.
He's also my father.
Yeah, I figured.
How?
I don't know.
At one point you both
had your hand over
your mouth like this.
OK. OK.
All right.
You lost your journal?
I looked everywhere.
It's gone.
I can take the most horrifying
situation and make it worse.
It's like this...
...twisted gift.
That's why nothing good
can happen to me.
Ever.
Have you checked
the lost and found?
Hey, guys, guess what...?
This is a private conversation!
What if someone's
reading it right now?
So, uh, we're doing this dance?
For Talent Night?
To Baby Got Back?
And we were gonna
sing it ourselves, but...
OK. I mean...
- Sure, I'll do it.
- No!
No, Trent should. Right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, OK.
- Oh, thanks!
- Good.
- Cool.
- Uh, if you need anyone else...
- Let me know.
- Well...
We need someone
to take pictures.
- Oh, right...
- Amber. Come at me!
Come on.
Is that all you got?
Come on.
Come on, kick.
Oh, my...!
- Oops.
- Oh, no!
- Sorry.
- Whatever...
Now I can ask my
parents for a new one.
- We'll just use your camera.
- I... I lost mine.
Oh no! No worries,
we'll find it.
- Bye!
- See you.
See, in 1615, the Dutch
mathematician Willebrord Snell
discovered that a point
could be located
by subtracting the angles
from three known points.
Then he surveyed the distance
from Alkmaar to Bergen Zoom
just using a chain
of quadrangles.
Don't get me started
on Willebrord Snell.
I won't.
We don't allow the kids down here
anymore. But it is ours, right?
- No signs.
- What?
No signs. No fence.
Once you allow unrestricted
use of the land, it becomes...
- I haven't! What do you mean...?
- Maybe not on purpose.
But you are correct. This is
your property line down here.
You just haven't made it very clear,
so it becomes an unspoken invitation...
- Are you saying it's my fault?
- No...
- It sounds like you're blaming me...
- No, no, no, I'm not...
I'm not saying that at all.
It's called "common usage".
It happens all the time.
There's no sign that says,
"This is ours, keep out. "
It's really not
a question of blame.
But the ball's
in your court.
Hey, at least
your name's not on it!
So, even if someone
does read it...
OK, no one's going to.
But if they did,
they won't know it's you.
What if they
can figure it out?
How?
By things.
By certain things
I've written.
What do you mean? Do you, like,
mention certain people?
- Or specific...?
- Stop asking me what's in it!
- OK. Sorry.
- Just stop.
I'm sorry. I just...
Stuff... Private stuff that...
...if anyone reads, I die.
Hey... Hey.
We'll find it.
We'll find it, OK?
We'll find it.
Will...?
You looking for something?
So I hear you do
an imitation of me.
Oh. Yeah.
I guess I'll hear for myself,
tomorrow night. Right?
Remember, I'll be watching!
I... I gotta go.
What's tomorrow night?
Talent night.
Did that sound like...
...like I didn't
want her to do it?
No, it sounded...
Maybe a little.
Oh, dear.
Did you know that "talent"
used to refer to weight?
In ancient Babylonia.
Not that I was there,
but, uh...
A silver talent
equaled 3,000 shekels.
And what's that Dryden quote...
"With two great talents
of the finest gold. "
Thanks.
For walking it with me.
It's so different, walking
around in bathing suits here.
- It's like no big thing.
- I know.
It's funny how Trent
broke your camera.
I just mean, the way
he gets nervous around you.
Cause of how much
he likes you.
He didn't even
offer to replace it.
You're so obviously
the one he likes.
It's fine, I'm over it.
Let's find your camera, OK?
Stop right there!
Why aren't you at swim, uh...?
Becca.
Why aren't you
at swim, Becca?
Rehearsal. For Talent Night.
Really?
So, uh, what
are you rehearsing?
Baby Got Back.
Then get to your rehearsal.
Come on.
- It's not gonna be in here.
- Just...
Here... You look
through this pile.
It's probably not even here.
Hey...
Someone's journal.
Anyone interesting?
I don't see a name.
The writing looks like a guy's.
You can barely read it.
- Sorry. Is it yours?
- It's not yours!
How could you read
someone else's journal?!
How would you like it
if someone did that to you?!
We were just looking
to see whose it...
Oh, my God!
I know, that was horrible.
No... What did I tell you?
This is it, right?
- Right?
- Yeah.
# kids chattering #
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Thank you thank you thank you!
- No problem.
It was just there?
In the lost and found?
- Yeah.
- I can never thank you enough.
Seriously dude, you're the best.
Now I just have to pray
no one read it.
So Rand knows
I do an imitation of her.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, she got all omniscient,
- like, "I'll be watching, Willamina!"
- You still have to do it.
Becca and I have a theory you're
gonna chicken out at the last second.
I'm totally gonna do it!
The net wasn't straight.
- It totally was.
- No, it wasn't!
Becca, she's saying that
the net wasn't straight again!
So you're gonna sing that song
you've been working on?
- I don't know.
- What? You have to!
- Goodnight.
- Are you OK?
Yeah. I just need to go
rinse out my bathing suit.
Because, you know...
Swimmer's itch.
That's gross.
I've got magic to do.
No, but I can actually totally
relate to that song,
because it's, like,
"I can't lie. "
- Seriously, I mean...
- Wait... Shut up, it's starting!
One hefty hunk!
Fifteen large
and luscious ladies!
All stuffed into
one super-sized villa!
Who will find the love
of their dreams,
and who will be sent packing?
It all... Happens...
Now...
Will you accept this ring?
...on Love Handles.
Oh, my God, I will die if
Shoshanna gets eliminated.
I hold in my hand
an ordinary newspaper.
I shall now pour this
ordinary pitcher of milk
into the newspaper.
Where do you get the milk?
And... abracadabra...
Got milk?
Lame.
Ian!
Why can't I write
something good?
Like that thing
in that person's journal.
They've got flowers
in here! And instructions.
OK! Here's what we're
doing for talent night!
I'm the bachelor
on Love Handles.
You and Trent are
the final two girls!
And you'll be, like crying,
and pulling each others' hair.
And I'll be like...
"Who will I choose?"
Hey...
Ian.
We're doing something.
For Talent Night.
So if you want to be in it...
He's performing an original
song that he wrote.
You are?
Maybe.
Let's hear it.
I haven't written it yet.
Doing a skit sounds fun.
I'm doing magic but I
could also do something...
Dude, the show's tomorrow night.
Look, we, like, know
what we're doing,
and it's gonna be
really great.
So... if you change your mind...
Sure.
So a few days ago,
I had an unplanned snack.
It was a muffin.
Of course.
And I'm having a hard time
letting it go.
See, they sent this guy over
to walk the property line...
You know the type of person
who thinks they know everything?
He's saying to me
that it's my fault,
because I didn't make it
clear where the line was!
I mean, I haven't spent time
with my father
since I was 11 years old.
And now, he's everywhere.
He's part of my work. He's...
He's giving me muffins.
I...
So I talk to my sponsor
about that guy yesterday,
and she, of course, says,
do I owe an amends?
And I don't.
I don't! Anyway...
Thank you for letting me share.
Thank you. Who's next?
Hi, I'm Susan...
The thing about Chloe is,
she's, like... available.
Oh, come on, Amber... I mean,
it's just... It seems like...
Wait, wait, so, G...!
Just hypothetically...
There are two girls, right?
Both hot. But one of them
definitely likes you.
- Shut up!
- Or there's this other girl
that you kinda like more,
but you're not sure
if she likes you.
I'd have to say the first girl.
Because you already
know she likes you,
So it's a sure thing.
That's such good advice.
Will you be my dad?
No.
I'm serious. My dad left
when I was 13...
Sometimes I can't even comprehend
this is what I really look like.
Yeah.
There she is.
Where you been?
Out. With some friends.
Just something
I had laying around.
As far as I'm concerned,
they were already there. OK?
Oh, they've always
been there. Right, Dot?
Guess I'll get these
in the ground.
I'll give you a hand.
There's a talent show tonight.
Maybe you'll stick around.
Maybe. Long as
I'm not trespassing.
"Look at you. You look dead.
Put on some lipstick. " I'm like,
"Mom. I'm ten. I don't own a lipstick. "
So she bought me one.
And ever since then...
Sierra, take our picture!
Where's your camera?
Come here!
Where'd you get that?
That's mine, I've been
looking for it everywhere!
What? No. It's hers.
Maybe it just looks like yours.
- No, it's mine.
- No, it's...
- It's mine.
- Well, Amber says it's hers!
I've been missing that
since the first week of camp.
You think she'd
take your camera?!
- Why would she do that?
- Look at the bottom!
There is a stupid unicorn
thing on the bottom
that my little sister
stuck there!
Sorry. It looked
like mine. Sorry!
- I'm sorry.
- She's the one that took the camera.
I'm sure
it was a mistake.
Mistake?
She took my camera.
How do you mistakenly
take someone's camera?
It has a unicorn on it.
Your eyeliner's smudged.
- I'm sure
she didn't meant to.
Hey, Ian!
Where are you going?
I'm just... not in the mood.
To do this.
What about your song?
You didn't finish it?
No, I did. Sort of.
I just, I don't know.
Why put so much pressure
on myself, you know?
I don't really know
any of these people.
Well, you know me.
Just play it for me.
"Talent. " I decided
to look the word up.
Not for any particular reason.
Did you know that,
in ancient Babylonia,
"talent" meant "weight?"
And here's the modern day
definition of talent:
"A power or ability
of mind or body
viewed as something
divinely entrusted to a person
for use and empowerment. "
Welcome to Talent Night.
All right, Dr. Rand!
All right, first on deck,
we've got Poppy and Sierra!
# Believe me if all those
endearing young charms #
# Which I gaze on
so fondly today #
# Were to change by tomorrow
and fleet in my arms... #
Wouldn't you notice
that sticker on it?
I mean, when
you looked at it...
- What do you want me to say?
- Just admit it wasn't yours!
Fine! I lied.
Are you happy?
Look, forget it.
Let's just do this, OK?
I can't!
All right, up next,
we have Baby Got Back,
by The Divas of Cabin A.
Becca.
This is your number.
What are you doing?
Get up there.
Yeah, girl!
# I like big butts
and I cannot lie #
# You other brothers
can't deny #
# When a girl walks in
with an itty bitty waist #
# And a round thing
in your face #
# You get sprung
Wanna pull out your tough #
# 'Cause you know
that butt is stuffed #
# Deep in the jeans
she's wearing #
# I'm hooked
and I can't stop staring #
# Oh baby, I wanna
get with you #
# And take your picture #
# My homeboys
tried to warn me #
# But that butt you got
make me so horny #
Word.
Word.
Word.
Yeah! What? What?
Yeah!
# We'll get over this
We'll begin to mend #
# When we're out of time
We'll be back again #
# You can let me down
Give me the runaround #
# As long as we don't
run this ship aground #
# When we're falling off
We're nowhere near a wall #
I hold in my hand
an ordinary newspaper.
I will now pour this
ordinary milk into it.
# I won't let you go #
# Know you know ts hope #
# Means too much... #
Oh...
Boo!
Boo!
Ta-da!
You suck!
I shouldn't have used
non-fat milk.
There was actually a dove
that came with this kit...
...but I ate it.
I was hungry!
I didn't know fat camp
would be so hard.
I finally understand what
the Donner Party felt like.
Let's hear it for
"Magic-Alistair!"
This is the hardest decision
I've ever had to make...
I choose...
...celibacy.
No!
Forgive me,
North Dakota.
Forgive me.
All right, up next, we have
an original song, by Ian.
So, um...
This song was inspired
by a poem I found.
I don't know whowrote i.
...you are out there,
somewhere...
...and you're awesome.
# Why does the time move
forward and never end? #
# Why can't I somehow
become a child again? #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# Ooh #
# Ooh #
# Snow would fall upwards #
# Dead leaves
would turn green #
# I'd be a version of myself
I've never seen #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# Ooh #
# Ooh #
# But snow falls down #
# And dead leaves break apart #
# Yeah, things fall down #
# And people break your heart #
# And people break your heart #
# And time moves forward #
# So does this song #
# Which I can barely write #
# So I'll write it wrong #
# I'll write it wrong
this time #
# Cause wrong is right
this time #
# Let's do it right
this time #
All right. Whoa.
Well, we have someone crazy
enough to want to follow that...
Please welcome Will, with an
imitation of "someone we know. "
Will...?
I was so bad...
- You were so amazing!
- You were!
Ian... that was so beautiful.
- Wasn't that beautiful?
- What happened to Will?
How should I know?
I'm really sorry,
I screwed up...
Don't even worry about it.
It's just...
I've just never had...
...the kind of stuff
that you have...
It's so over.
Let's never fight again.
I made out with Trent.
Oh, my God!
Oh, yay!
I really enjoyed that.
You know, in terms of this
ownership situation...
You might want to consider
some sort of enclosure.
I could help you with that.
If you'd like.
Do I seem like
the kind of person
who can't laugh
at themselves?
I think that's
how people see me.
I... Also...
I owe you an apology.
When I insisted on walking
the property with you...
It was implying
I didn't trust you.
It wasn't implying anything.
It was making it clear.
What sort of enclosure?
We'll talk.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Will!
What the hell?
You missed it!
How much did you read?
- What?
- Just tell me.
That was yours?
One page! Barely a page...
You really expect me
to believe that?
I opened it to see whose it was,
and there was that poem.
Do you even care?
That I loved it?
I can't believe
you would do that.
I can't believe
you don't believe me.
- I'm your friend.
- So I thought.
I was. I would have been.
Do you even know
what that means?
We're not friends.
You killed it.
No. You did.
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And be honest.
I can take it.
Actually, I never eat
after dinner.
I want to get to know him,
because he's my father.
This is actually an area of the
camp that we consider off limits.
We were only there for,
like, five minutes.
There were these other kids
there from the other camp.
You should go for it.
I think you'd be cute together.
One, two...
# So your
girlfriend rolls a Honda #
# Playin' workout tapes
by Fonda #
# but Fonda ain't got a motor
in the back of her Honda #
So it goes step, step,
down... Beyoncé hand.
- No, like...
- Yeah, OK, so it's...
# My anaconda don't want none #
# Unless you got buns, hon #
What's up, ladybug?
Well, Carter said she was
gonna do a talent with me,
And then she... She just
backed out last minute,
and now I don't have anyone
to do something with.
Oh, well, what about
Chloe and Amber?
They just seem like they
have everything set.
Just ask them.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So, it's step, step, kick...
Hold it, what comes
after the kick?
# So you can do
side bends or sit-ups #
# But please
don't lose that butt #
And then we could turn,
like...
No, my butt
looks better in profile.
Actually...
...depends where
Trent's gonna be sitting.
Switch sides.
This is my good side
But what if
this is my good side?
You have two good sides,
I have none.
Chloe, you have such
a better butt than me!
That's so not true!
Can we skip the nightly
"who's fatter" contest?
This is a private conversation.
Come on,
let's rehearse outside.
Wait, what comes after the kick?
Now I won't sleep tonight.
I can't believe
I was ever friends with her.
Wait, you used to be
friends with Chloe?
How did such
a fate befall you?
You said "befall. "
I did. I need counseling.
She was a completely
different person last summer.
She used to be a person?
We were actually really close.
Then I guess it turned
out I wasn't cool enough.
It's like our friendship
never existed, so...
She's so judgmental.
She's jealous.
Like, last year
I was like a size 18?
And the more weight I lost, the
more girls here started to hate me.
It's normal.
Uh... listen...
If you need more people...
Sure. I mean...
Thanks, but...
I mean, it's hard enough
figuring it out with just us.
- But thanks.
- Yeah, thanks!
OK, start from the beginning.
OK, one, two...
# I like big butts... #
So whoever
made that turtle
and neglected to glaze it,
it is still in the arts
and crafts hut.
- If you wish to claim it, see Poppy.
- Good morning!
Or it will be smashed
to bits in front of you,
if that's your choice.
Lastly... Talent Night!
It's not too late
to participate!
My talent is fun-sucking.
I can literally suck the
fun out of any situation.
If I may say.
...hidden talents
that you might have.
So sing a song, tell a joke...
- Hey, Chloe.
- Do a dance.
I think there's even an old
magic kit in the rec room...
...somewhere...
and I seem to remember
that Salty knows a little
bit of magic. Don't you, Salty?
No seconds.
This popover worries me.
You know, I found her
a great chef.
You lost weight just
smelling this person's food.
But who does she go with?
This guy.
- I love this popover.
- Why?
- Because it's moist...
- No, why him?
- What's he even done?
- Dr. Rand would never...
You just like it because
it's stuffed with cheese.
Stuff anything with cheese,
people lose their minds.
Low fat cheese.
You really think he's making
it taste this good without fat?
I mean, look at him.
I'm saying something.
I'll... arm wrestle you for it.
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# Hail to thee Camp Victory #
# Where hope shines
like a star #
# Although the summer
sun may set #
# We promise
we'll not soon forget #
- # Camp Victory #
- # How wonderful you are #
My mom makes this
incredible French toast.
With, like, cream
cheese inside it.
Ooh.
I miss that French toast
more than I miss her.
Here's what I do:
Cookie dough ice cream...
...microwaved.
Then I put peanut butter
on top. Then...
Wait for it...
...trail mix.
- Eww!
- No, it's so good.
It's delicious. Stop!
- Best breakfast so far.
- Totally.
Will, you have to do your Rand
impression for talent night.
- Yeah.
- Do you have a hair thing?
Come on, you have to. Please?
I'm not your trained seal.
You know, if you rehearse
something for talent night?
You get to skip an activity.
I'm in.
Wait a second...
No. You said yes!
No backsies!
Sometimes she likes to shoot a
few hoops before first activity.
Oh, I'm not sure she'd
want me to tell people that.
Tell me what?
So are you doing something
for Talent Night?
Maybe. I'm trying
to write a song...
Wow.
Bear in mind I've only
written two songs...
...two and a half...
in my life.
I kinda hate both of them.
I'm saving mine.
I made this with olive oil
instead of margarine.
It's the good kind of fat.
You remember that altercation?
Some of the kids
from our camp
had with some kids
from tennis camp?
They hired a land surveyor...
To determine
the property line!
I don't have any pictures of
you, from when you were little.
Your mother kept them all.
That could be him...
Yes...?
It's me, Shay.
- It's important.
- Come in.
- Oh.
- I'll be right back.
- Um...
- Yeah?
She's a bundle of nerves.
Like her mother.
She doesn't get that from me.
He'll be here any second.
What's up?
Um...
Well...
Um...
One of the kids might be
doing an imitation of you.
- For Talent Night.
- Oh.
Is it Will?
Yeah.
I just thought that
you should know. You know?
Well, you're expecting someone.
I've got Kickboxing with Shay.
Why would she assume
I'd have a problem
with someone imitating me?
Will's the girl who likes
basketball, right?
I have
no idea what she likes.
Except being overweight,
she loves that.
"My fat's my BFF!"
May I help you?
- Ms. Rand?
- Dr. Rand.
And this is my...
our chef, Mr. Salzniak.
Hi, uh... Lake Knoll Tennis camp
asked me to take a look
at your property line.
I left you a few messages?
Yes, you left me
quite a few, Mr...
- Wayne.
- Mr. Wayne. Yes, I...
Wayne's my first name.
I see, well,
I couldn't return...
I'm not Batman.
Isn't that Batman's last name?
- Bruce Wayne, yeah.
- ... to return your messages,
because I have
my own camp to run.
Uh, would you excuse us
just a minute?
Dot?
Uh, you can catch more flies
with honey than with vinegar.
OK, why are you
calling me Dot?
I always called you Dot.
When you were little.
Did you hear what
I said about flies?
I don't care about flies.
I just need to walk the
property line, if that's OK.
But if it's not,
you'll do it anyway, right?
I mean, you work
for them, not me.
He's not on anybody's side, Dot.
I'm not on anybody's side.
I just care what the map says.
Why don't you
walk it with him?
You know,
keep an eye on him.
Don't touch my popover.
I'm not! Jeez!
Hey...
Someone's journal.
What are you doing?
Don't open it!
I have to,
to see whose it is.
Hey, you're reading it!
Listen to this.
"Dead leaves fall up. Rewind.
If I could be a child again,
I'd do it right this time. "
I'm bringing it
to the lost and found.
Let's get this party started!
And jab!
Cross! Kick!
Kick! Kick!
And jab! And cross!
And kick!
Are you OK?
And kick back!
Alistair, You're late!
Sorry, I had to... Um...
Get that popover
out of my sight!
Jab! Cross!
Kick! Kick!
# Gonna see me again #
Is this
what most people do?
- No...
- Walk the property with you?
Most people just trust me.
Can we just, uh...
Can we... hold on
a minute, Dot?
Don't call me Dot.
Oh. I thought I heard
your chef call you that.
He doesn't realize that people
don't call me that anymore.
He's also my father.
Yeah, I figured.
How?
I don't know.
At one point you both
had your hand over
your mouth like this.
OK. OK.
All right.
You lost your journal?
I looked everywhere.
It's gone.
I can take the most horrifying
situation and make it worse.
It's like this...
...twisted gift.
That's why nothing good
can happen to me.
Ever.
Have you checked
the lost and found?
Hey, guys, guess what...?
This is a private conversation!
What if someone's
reading it right now?
So, uh, we're doing this dance?
For Talent Night?
To Baby Got Back?
And we were gonna
sing it ourselves, but...
OK. I mean...
- Sure, I'll do it.
- No!
No, Trent should. Right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, OK.
- Oh, thanks!
- Good.
- Cool.
- Uh, if you need anyone else...
- Let me know.
- Well...
We need someone
to take pictures.
- Oh, right...
- Amber. Come at me!
Come on.
Is that all you got?
Come on.
Come on, kick.
Oh, my...!
- Oops.
- Oh, no!
- Sorry.
- Whatever...
Now I can ask my
parents for a new one.
- We'll just use your camera.
- I... I lost mine.
Oh no! No worries,
we'll find it.
- Bye!
- See you.
See, in 1615, the Dutch
mathematician Willebrord Snell
discovered that a point
could be located
by subtracting the angles
from three known points.
Then he surveyed the distance
from Alkmaar to Bergen Zoom
just using a chain
of quadrangles.
Don't get me started
on Willebrord Snell.
I won't.
We don't allow the kids down here
anymore. But it is ours, right?
- No signs.
- What?
No signs. No fence.
Once you allow unrestricted
use of the land, it becomes...
- I haven't! What do you mean...?
- Maybe not on purpose.
But you are correct. This is
your property line down here.
You just haven't made it very clear,
so it becomes an unspoken invitation...
- Are you saying it's my fault?
- No...
- It sounds like you're blaming me...
- No, no, no, I'm not...
I'm not saying that at all.
It's called "common usage".
It happens all the time.
There's no sign that says,
"This is ours, keep out. "
It's really not
a question of blame.
But the ball's
in your court.
Hey, at least
your name's not on it!
So, even if someone
does read it...
OK, no one's going to.
But if they did,
they won't know it's you.
What if they
can figure it out?
How?
By things.
By certain things
I've written.
What do you mean? Do you, like,
mention certain people?
- Or specific...?
- Stop asking me what's in it!
- OK. Sorry.
- Just stop.
I'm sorry. I just...
Stuff... Private stuff that...
...if anyone reads, I die.
Hey... Hey.
We'll find it.
We'll find it, OK?
We'll find it.
Will...?
You looking for something?
So I hear you do
an imitation of me.
Oh. Yeah.
I guess I'll hear for myself,
tomorrow night. Right?
Remember, I'll be watching!
I... I gotta go.
What's tomorrow night?
Talent night.
Did that sound like...
...like I didn't
want her to do it?
No, it sounded...
Maybe a little.
Oh, dear.
Did you know that "talent"
used to refer to weight?
In ancient Babylonia.
Not that I was there,
but, uh...
A silver talent
equaled 3,000 shekels.
And what's that Dryden quote...
"With two great talents
of the finest gold. "
Thanks.
For walking it with me.
It's so different, walking
around in bathing suits here.
- It's like no big thing.
- I know.
It's funny how Trent
broke your camera.
I just mean, the way
he gets nervous around you.
Cause of how much
he likes you.
He didn't even
offer to replace it.
You're so obviously
the one he likes.
It's fine, I'm over it.
Let's find your camera, OK?
Stop right there!
Why aren't you at swim, uh...?
Becca.
Why aren't you
at swim, Becca?
Rehearsal. For Talent Night.
Really?
So, uh, what
are you rehearsing?
Baby Got Back.
Then get to your rehearsal.
Come on.
- It's not gonna be in here.
- Just...
Here... You look
through this pile.
It's probably not even here.
Hey...
Someone's journal.
Anyone interesting?
I don't see a name.
The writing looks like a guy's.
You can barely read it.
- Sorry. Is it yours?
- It's not yours!
How could you read
someone else's journal?!
How would you like it
if someone did that to you?!
We were just looking
to see whose it...
Oh, my God!
I know, that was horrible.
No... What did I tell you?
This is it, right?
- Right?
- Yeah.
# kids chattering #
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Thank you thank you thank you!
- No problem.
It was just there?
In the lost and found?
- Yeah.
- I can never thank you enough.
Seriously dude, you're the best.
Now I just have to pray
no one read it.
So Rand knows
I do an imitation of her.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, she got all omniscient,
- like, "I'll be watching, Willamina!"
- You still have to do it.
Becca and I have a theory you're
gonna chicken out at the last second.
I'm totally gonna do it!
The net wasn't straight.
- It totally was.
- No, it wasn't!
Becca, she's saying that
the net wasn't straight again!
So you're gonna sing that song
you've been working on?
- I don't know.
- What? You have to!
- Goodnight.
- Are you OK?
Yeah. I just need to go
rinse out my bathing suit.
Because, you know...
Swimmer's itch.
That's gross.
I've got magic to do.
No, but I can actually totally
relate to that song,
because it's, like,
"I can't lie. "
- Seriously, I mean...
- Wait... Shut up, it's starting!
One hefty hunk!
Fifteen large
and luscious ladies!
All stuffed into
one super-sized villa!
Who will find the love
of their dreams,
and who will be sent packing?
It all... Happens...
Now...
Will you accept this ring?
...on Love Handles.
Oh, my God, I will die if
Shoshanna gets eliminated.
I hold in my hand
an ordinary newspaper.
I shall now pour this
ordinary pitcher of milk
into the newspaper.
Where do you get the milk?
And... abracadabra...
Got milk?
Lame.
Ian!
Why can't I write
something good?
Like that thing
in that person's journal.
They've got flowers
in here! And instructions.
OK! Here's what we're
doing for talent night!
I'm the bachelor
on Love Handles.
You and Trent are
the final two girls!
And you'll be, like crying,
and pulling each others' hair.
And I'll be like...
"Who will I choose?"
Hey...
Ian.
We're doing something.
For Talent Night.
So if you want to be in it...
He's performing an original
song that he wrote.
You are?
Maybe.
Let's hear it.
I haven't written it yet.
Doing a skit sounds fun.
I'm doing magic but I
could also do something...
Dude, the show's tomorrow night.
Look, we, like, know
what we're doing,
and it's gonna be
really great.
So... if you change your mind...
Sure.
So a few days ago,
I had an unplanned snack.
It was a muffin.
Of course.
And I'm having a hard time
letting it go.
See, they sent this guy over
to walk the property line...
You know the type of person
who thinks they know everything?
He's saying to me
that it's my fault,
because I didn't make it
clear where the line was!
I mean, I haven't spent time
with my father
since I was 11 years old.
And now, he's everywhere.
He's part of my work. He's...
He's giving me muffins.
I...
So I talk to my sponsor
about that guy yesterday,
and she, of course, says,
do I owe an amends?
And I don't.
I don't! Anyway...
Thank you for letting me share.
Thank you. Who's next?
Hi, I'm Susan...
The thing about Chloe is,
she's, like... available.
Oh, come on, Amber... I mean,
it's just... It seems like...
Wait, wait, so, G...!
Just hypothetically...
There are two girls, right?
Both hot. But one of them
definitely likes you.
- Shut up!
- Or there's this other girl
that you kinda like more,
but you're not sure
if she likes you.
I'd have to say the first girl.
Because you already
know she likes you,
So it's a sure thing.
That's such good advice.
Will you be my dad?
No.
I'm serious. My dad left
when I was 13...
Sometimes I can't even comprehend
this is what I really look like.
Yeah.
There she is.
Where you been?
Out. With some friends.
Just something
I had laying around.
As far as I'm concerned,
they were already there. OK?
Oh, they've always
been there. Right, Dot?
Guess I'll get these
in the ground.
I'll give you a hand.
There's a talent show tonight.
Maybe you'll stick around.
Maybe. Long as
I'm not trespassing.
"Look at you. You look dead.
Put on some lipstick. " I'm like,
"Mom. I'm ten. I don't own a lipstick. "
So she bought me one.
And ever since then...
Sierra, take our picture!
Where's your camera?
Come here!
Where'd you get that?
That's mine, I've been
looking for it everywhere!
What? No. It's hers.
Maybe it just looks like yours.
- No, it's mine.
- No, it's...
- It's mine.
- Well, Amber says it's hers!
I've been missing that
since the first week of camp.
You think she'd
take your camera?!
- Why would she do that?
- Look at the bottom!
There is a stupid unicorn
thing on the bottom
that my little sister
stuck there!
Sorry. It looked
like mine. Sorry!
- I'm sorry.
- She's the one that took the camera.
I'm sure
it was a mistake.
Mistake?
She took my camera.
How do you mistakenly
take someone's camera?
It has a unicorn on it.
Your eyeliner's smudged.
- I'm sure
she didn't meant to.
Hey, Ian!
Where are you going?
I'm just... not in the mood.
To do this.
What about your song?
You didn't finish it?
No, I did. Sort of.
I just, I don't know.
Why put so much pressure
on myself, you know?
I don't really know
any of these people.
Well, you know me.
Just play it for me.
"Talent. " I decided
to look the word up.
Not for any particular reason.
Did you know that,
in ancient Babylonia,
"talent" meant "weight?"
And here's the modern day
definition of talent:
"A power or ability
of mind or body
viewed as something
divinely entrusted to a person
for use and empowerment. "
Welcome to Talent Night.
All right, Dr. Rand!
All right, first on deck,
we've got Poppy and Sierra!
# Believe me if all those
endearing young charms #
# Which I gaze on
so fondly today #
# Were to change by tomorrow
and fleet in my arms... #
Wouldn't you notice
that sticker on it?
I mean, when
you looked at it...
- What do you want me to say?
- Just admit it wasn't yours!
Fine! I lied.
Are you happy?
Look, forget it.
Let's just do this, OK?
I can't!
All right, up next,
we have Baby Got Back,
by The Divas of Cabin A.
Becca.
This is your number.
What are you doing?
Get up there.
Yeah, girl!
# I like big butts
and I cannot lie #
# You other brothers
can't deny #
# When a girl walks in
with an itty bitty waist #
# And a round thing
in your face #
# You get sprung
Wanna pull out your tough #
# 'Cause you know
that butt is stuffed #
# Deep in the jeans
she's wearing #
# I'm hooked
and I can't stop staring #
# Oh baby, I wanna
get with you #
# And take your picture #
# My homeboys
tried to warn me #
# But that butt you got
make me so horny #
Word.
Word.
Word.
Yeah! What? What?
Yeah!
# We'll get over this
We'll begin to mend #
# When we're out of time
We'll be back again #
# You can let me down
Give me the runaround #
# As long as we don't
run this ship aground #
# When we're falling off
We're nowhere near a wall #
I hold in my hand
an ordinary newspaper.
I will now pour this
ordinary milk into it.
# I won't let you go #
# Know you know ts hope #
# Means too much... #
Oh...
Boo!
Boo!
Ta-da!
You suck!
I shouldn't have used
non-fat milk.
There was actually a dove
that came with this kit...
...but I ate it.
I was hungry!
I didn't know fat camp
would be so hard.
I finally understand what
the Donner Party felt like.
Let's hear it for
"Magic-Alistair!"
This is the hardest decision
I've ever had to make...
I choose...
...celibacy.
No!
Forgive me,
North Dakota.
Forgive me.
All right, up next, we have
an original song, by Ian.
So, um...
This song was inspired
by a poem I found.
I don't know whowrote i.
...you are out there,
somewhere...
...and you're awesome.
# Why does the time move
forward and never end? #
# Why can't I somehow
become a child again? #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# Ooh #
# Ooh #
# Snow would fall upwards #
# Dead leaves
would turn green #
# I'd be a version of myself
I've never seen #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# I'd do it right this time #
# Ooh #
# Ooh #
# But snow falls down #
# And dead leaves break apart #
# Yeah, things fall down #
# And people break your heart #
# And people break your heart #
# And time moves forward #
# So does this song #
# Which I can barely write #
# So I'll write it wrong #
# I'll write it wrong
this time #
# Cause wrong is right
this time #
# Let's do it right
this time #
All right. Whoa.
Well, we have someone crazy
enough to want to follow that...
Please welcome Will, with an
imitation of "someone we know. "
Will...?
I was so bad...
- You were so amazing!
- You were!
Ian... that was so beautiful.
- Wasn't that beautiful?
- What happened to Will?
How should I know?
I'm really sorry,
I screwed up...
Don't even worry about it.
It's just...
I've just never had...
...the kind of stuff
that you have...
It's so over.
Let's never fight again.
I made out with Trent.
Oh, my God!
Oh, yay!
I really enjoyed that.
You know, in terms of this
ownership situation...
You might want to consider
some sort of enclosure.
I could help you with that.
If you'd like.
Do I seem like
the kind of person
who can't laugh
at themselves?
I think that's
how people see me.
I... Also...
I owe you an apology.
When I insisted on walking
the property with you...
It was implying
I didn't trust you.
It wasn't implying anything.
It was making it clear.
What sort of enclosure?
We'll talk.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Will!
What the hell?
You missed it!
How much did you read?
- What?
- Just tell me.
That was yours?
One page! Barely a page...
You really expect me
to believe that?
I opened it to see whose it was,
and there was that poem.
Do you even care?
That I loved it?
I can't believe
you would do that.
I can't believe
you don't believe me.
- I'm your friend.
- So I thought.
I was. I would have been.
Do you even know
what that means?
We're not friends.
You killed it.
No. You did.
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