How Not to Live Your Life (2007–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Break Up - full transcript

Right,
I'm staying at Karl's tonight.

What?

You have a house, Karl?

- I thought you lived here.
- Bye, Don.

See you later.

Being in love with
Abby has made me boring.

I used to go out
all the time partying,

recently I've just stayed
in watching telly.

I know,

we should have sex tonight.

Wouldn't that make things
quite awkward between us?



Not with each other, you douchbag.

Listen, if you were the last
living thing on this planet...

You still wouldn't want
to make sex with me.

- I know, I've heard it all before.
- I wasn't going to say that.

I was going to say if you were the
last living thing, maybe I would.

I'm not homophobic, Eddie.
I just need a very good reason.

But you're not the last
living thing, are you?

There are thousands
of women out there.

All we need to do is find ourselves
two sexy chicklets,

bring them back here
and have pointless sex with them.

That way, I think I might
feel better about myself.

I think I'll just stay in, thanks.

Come on, Eddie baby.

You and me in the saddle
together, yeah?



- It's not really my thing.
- What?

Pulling some horny babies

and bringing them here for sexy
intercourse isn't your thing?

What are you, gay?

Hang on,

are you gay?

- We've never talked about this.
- I'm not homosexual, Don, no.

Well, then, that's settled.
You and I out on the pull, eh?

It's going to be a great laugh.

Synchro: Arrow et mpm

This is more like it. On the pull.

It's been ages since I've
been out picking up chicklets.

Hey. You all right?

This was a good idea of mine.

This is wonderful. Look.
All these fit honeys. Great!

Now, I want us
to play this cool, OK?

I don't want us looking like
a pair of pricks. OK?

12 o'clock.

Getting some looks.
Right, the eye of the tiger.

The thrill of the fight.

I'm gonna go in, all right?

I will bring us back a pair of
females and a packet of sheaths.

- What flavour do you want?
- Prawn cocktail.

OK. See you in a bit. Bye.

Two milks, please.

You don't mind
if I join you, do you?

{Five pick-up lines
you shouldn't use}

I'm not the sort of guy that
comes out with cheesy one-liners.

So... who fancies a screw?

Do you wanna come back to my place?

- Which one of us are you talking to?
- The one that says yes?

I'm not just talking to you cos
you're the sluttiest looking girls here.

Do you fancy going
halves on a bastard?

Do you have any STDs?

Good. Do you mind getting one?

Yeah, well, maybe it's not me
who's the cock.

- What's that you're drinking?
- Milk. Would you like some?

Milk? What, like a white Russian?

No, like milk.

You, know from cows' udders.

Who are you here with?

My friend, Don.
I look after him.

Look after him? He looks old
enough to look after himself.

How's it going?

Either of you two fancy
going halves on a bastard?

Is he a retard?

Kind of.

I'm Fiona, by the way.

I tell you what,
the girls in here are weird.

No-one seems up for anything.

I just wish women were
more like men, you know?

Oh, as in,
I wish they didn't have standards.

I don't mean I wish
women had beards and balls.

Just be patient, yeah.

So, what's your name?

Don, this is Fiona, Fiona, Don.

- What, you two know each other?
- We just met.

Don't take the piss out of him.
He's a good guy, really.

I'm not taking the piss out of him.
What do you mean?

I mean, he may not be
the coolest cat in here,

but that's no reason to taunt him.

She wasn't taunting me,
we were just chatting.

Weren't we?

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah. It was nice.

We were also enjoying
watching you at work.

Some people just
don't see a good thing

when it's right in front of them.

I can.

Edward baby and me, we're a bit
autistic when it comes to pulling.

It has to be even numbers.

So unless you've got a cute friend
to create a foursome,

- I'm afraid...
- I do, as it happens.

I think she might like you.

She's got absolutely
shocking taste in men. Hang on.

Hey, it looks like we might be
onto a winner here.

- She's quite nice, isn't she?
- Her?

- A bit too clever-clever for my liking.
- I think she's nice.

Listen, if my one is in any way,
shape or form attractive,

let's take them back
to the ranch, pronto.

Scrap that. Even if she's not
attractive, let's go back to the ranch.

- Meet my friend, Jemima.
- Hello.

First impressions?

Cute.

Bingo! Now, whatever I say or do
in the next couple of hours,

please keep remembering your first
impressions of me, yeah?

We were thinking of
heading back to the ranch,

which I think means Don's house.

Do you wanna come along?

Could I have
four tequila shots, please?

No offence, I just don't want
to remember this tomorrow.

No offence taken.

Only I drink Samuel Buca.

Oh, no, sorry, these are for me.

Right, put on some protection.

What, like elbow pads?

Shut up. It's not that funny.

- Do you have condoms?
- Oh, what?

I don't have to wear
a love-cape, do I?

Now, talk less and do more.

{Seven things you shouldn't say
just before sex}

Oh, don't worry,
it's not contagious.

Actually, you don't mind
if I quickly call my mum, do you?

Right, be warned, last time I had sex,
I did a bit of bum rubbish mid-orgasm.

Do you mind if I call you
by my ex-girlfriend's name

while we're doing it?

Do you mind if I call you Alan
while we're doing it?

You don't mind if I re-use
an old one, do you?

It's just, I'm,
environmentally conscious.

Yeah, I'm a eunuch.

Cool, eh? You wanna feel?

Smooth.

So, can I get you anything?

A drinklet? Tea? Coffee?

A snacklet?

A corned-beef panini?

I should probably pop upstairs
and see if they need something.

It's just that they might need
post-coital...

... orange segments.

Or something.

If it bothers you that much, I don't know
why you come back in the first place!

Oh, that's just
Don's flatmate and Cockface.

How many shirts are you wearing?

Four.

- Tweak my nipples. Tweak my nipples.
- Like that?

Ah, yeah... I like that.

- Shut up!
- Don't tell me to shut up!

What's that?

It's Abby and the freak.

Don, this isn't making
me feel very sexy.

Shut up! They're really arguing.
This could be a massive leap forward.

- Oh, God. Sod this, I'm off.
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Ah, yes, lick, lick.

- My face!
- Quiet! I can't hear them.

You're freaking me out now.

Do you get off on listening to people
arguing whilst you're having sex?

Or are you such a massive busy-body
you can't resist listening?

Which answer would make me
seem less weird?

I don't see why you can't
move in with me, that's all.

We have been through all of this.

Do you really enjoy
living here that much?

Yes, actually, it's fun.

Well, why don't you go out
with Don, then?

I can't handle your jealousy
any more, Karl.

So have I definitely blown it?

Give me one good reason
why I should stay.

I can't.

I just wanted to know I'd definitely
blown it before I do this.

What?

You're a weirdo.

This is useless.

Fiona warned me.
She told me you were trouble.

Can you call me a taxi?

Eddie will do that.

You lost your earring
round here, you say?

What are you doing, Don?

Well, this platonic friend of mine
dropped her earring somewhere.

You are such a dickhead.

It's all right, I'm fine.

How are you getting on
with your one? Good?

Are you okay?

I've just fallen down
a flight of stairs. What do you reckon?

- Come on, Fi, we're off.
- Really? But I...

- Yeah. Really.
- Do you want me to give you a lift?

- Do you mind?
- Of course not.

Prick!

- Nice to meet you too.
- Out of the way, please.

Are you all right?

I heard you arguing.

I was trying not to listen,

but you were pretty loud.

Karl and I have split up.

Really?

Are you sure it's definitely over?

Yeah. We're just too different
and I keep avoiding the issues.

Thanks, Don.

That's all right.

- I think I'm gonna go to bed.
- Hey, listen.

If I can help you with anything,
get you anything,

you know, a cup of tea,
if you just wanna chat, or...

someone to spoon in bed with...

Thanks, Don, you're a doll.

I can't believe it.
It's just like buses.

You wait for ages and then as soon
as you hop on one for a ride,

another comes along.
Well, something like that.

- I made you a coffee.
- Thank you.

Shall I leave it on the landing?

- No, you can bring it in, please.
- Really?

Won't I see you naked?

Coming in.

Just put it over there.

I'm really glad you're here, Don.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What are you,

- doing tonight?
- Nothing much.

What are you up to?

Nothing.

I could cook us a meal if you like?

Something nice.

You can't cook.

I can cook.

You have not cooked once
since I moved in here.

- Yes, I have.
- When?

Just then.
I cooked you that coffee.

If you want to.

That'd be lovely.

- See you tonight, then.
- See you tonight.

I mean, I might bump into you
around the house before, but,

you know...

That's quite likely.

I don't believe in God,

but I thanked him anyway.

Edward Singh.

- Sorry I abandoned you last night.
- Don't worry about it, big guy.

Did you go back to hers?

I did. I just got back,
as a matter of fact.

- And?
- Well, we had a lot of fun.

We shared a bed, but...

she kept trying to touch my cock.

Weird!

Shame your night ended so badly.

On the contrary.
It couldn't have been better.

Abby dumped

Cockface last night.

Poor Cockface.

Screw Cockface.
Don't you get it? Abby's single now.

Poor Abby, she must be lonely.

Are you insane in your mind?

Why?
Am I doing that weird tic again?

Who have I been in love with
for weeks? Nay, months?

- Abby?
- Exactly.

Oh, I see. Now's the chance for you
to benefit from Cockface's misery.

All right, there's no need
to put it like that.

She wants me, Eddie. I can feel it.

That's what this is all about.
It's destiny.

- I'm gonna cook her a meal tonight.
- You're cooking her a meal?

You're cooking her a meal.
I'm taking the credit.

- Deal?
- This is special.

- Maybe you should cook.
- Do you think?

It'd be a disaster.

- Oh, this is exciting.
- Yeah.

You can cook whatever you want.

- Whatever?
- Whatever.

- I might do a salmon...
- Not salmon.

- I might magic up a risotto...
- Not risotto.

- Beef Bourguignon...
- Hate beef Bourguignon.

Just cook something that says "sex".

Bangers and mash?

That kind of does say sex,
doesn't it? Brilliant.

Clever balls.

Bangers and mash it is.

"Bangers and mash.
Bangers and mash."

- I've never seen you this happy before.
- I've never been this happy.

Finally, life isn't shitting on me.

- Feels good, doesn't it?
- Sure does. Don't.

I think I'm gonna have to pull out
all the stops tonight.

I might serenade her with a song.
What do you reckon?

It depends. What song?

One of my own, of course.

Maybe you should play me
the song first

and then we can see
whether it's a good idea.

Right, so I'm thinking of playing it
between main course and pudding.

Ski yoghurts for pudding.

Good. Ready?

Two, three, four.

"Abigail, I've got
a really cool idea

"Baby girl, you and I should
have sex after dinner

"You can finish your yoghurt,
I don't mind waiting

"But once you've finished your yoghurt.
Let's go upstairs, do some nailing

"Sex... yeah

"Something I've longed
to do with you

"Sex... yeah

"Imagine me entering you..."

What?

- It's not...
- Melodic enough?

- It's not...
- The right tempo?

- It's not...
- Romantic enough?

I think it's inappropriate.

- Really?
- I'm not hugely acquainted

with matters of sexual relations,
but I know there are

certain things you're not supposed to do
when you invite someone

- over for dinner.
- Like what?

5 things you shouldn't do
when you have someone round for dinner

So, what's for dinner?

There's some bangers in the fridge.

I'm serious.

Get cooking.

Let's get stuck in.

Oh, I just couldn't think
of anything to wear, so...

You not hungry?

I'm just gonna do a shit.

You like?

I bet you do.
Oh, yeah, how about that?

That was like
giving birth to an otter.

What happens if you're eating
a massive rump steak?

I mean, surely you need
to take a half-time dump?

Let's get you ready.

"You can finish your yoghurt,
I don't mind waiting..."

- Potatoes?
- Mashed.

- Bangers?
- Banged.

Now all you have to do is dish them
out onto these, which are plates.

Plates. Right.

- What do you think?
- Lovely.

It was my granddad's lucky suit.

Lucky? I thought he died in it.

At the end of a very lucky life.

- He was 26. He died of a cold.
- Get out.

Come back.

Wish me luck.

I'm very proud of you.

I'm finding this...

awkward.

Now remember,

don't think with your penis.

I know, Eddie.

Think... with my balls.

Good luck.

Right.

Wine with your meal?

Sex with your meal?

- Good evening, Madam.
- Hello.

- You're late.
- What?

Nothing. Don't worry.

Sorry.

Sure.

Oh, me too.

That was Karl.

- What did he want?
- He's coming round.

But I'm just...

We need to talk and see
if we can resolve a few things.

Make it work, you know?

Right...

- When's he getting here?
- Any minute.

- That was quick!
- He's been on the doorstep for hours.

Creepy.

He was too nervous
to ring the doorbell.

You're expecting a guest?

Oh, bollocks!

I'm so sorry, I completely forgot.

It's fine.
It's fine. Don't worry.

We were gonna eat together tonight.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But... You know, there were
other people coming as well.

I didn't tell you about that. But you
know, it was gonna be a group thing.

A non-sexual, group event.

So, you two go upstairs and...

sort your shit out.

Shall we?

Listen, we'll just stay
upstairs out of your way,

so make sure you have fun.

Go upstairs.

- Have fun.
- Okay, go.

- I'm really sorry again.
- It's fine.

All right?

You?

- Not really.
- Me neither.

What are we like?

Crispin, come in...

Christ, the last thing you need
when you're feeling bad is that maniac.

There you go again!

I'm coming, I'm coming.
Be patient.

Jeremy. Ah, hello, Don!

Susan, come in.
Hello, Don.

How are you both?

I'm fine. How are you?
I'm all right.

You've really put on weight,
haven't you?

What do you mean?

I really like living here.

It's fun.

I dunno, it's...

quirky.

You've guzzled down that mash.
Yes, I love mash.

You know that, don't you, Don?
I do know that about you, you fat git.

You can't blame me, though. Can you?

Can you honestly you don't think
he wants to climb into your underwear?

No thank you. You know red wine
hurts my ning-ning when I wee.

Right, yes, I forgot about that.

I thought you'd been
to the doctors about that.

Yes, I have,

but that was
about my puppy biscuits.

Your what?

Puppy biscuits.
You know, my nipples.

Right, of course.

I think it might be for the best
if we lived together.

Have you been
to the theatre recently?

I don't think I've ever been,
actually.

What's it like?

It's really good.
There's a new play at the moment.

It's a musical,

based on the...

Stallone Rambo sagas.

You know, I really think
this is for the best.

So do I.

Not touching your food?

You've just put me off,
calling me fat. Sorry about that.

Actually, we're going to go.
Come on, Susan.

Where are you going?

We've got a keys-in-the-ashtray
party to go to.

That sounds fun!

How about

you and me

get ourselves a drink?

Right then, see you, everyone.
Thanks for coming round.

Stop eating all those crisps,
Crisp-sin.

They didn't stay long.

You know,
leave them wanting more, I say.

How do you mean?

You know...

no coffee, after-mints,
that kind of thing.

So...

how are you both?

Have you sorted out your problems?

You're touching each other, so...

- I'm assuming you have.
- We...

did manage to resolve a few issues.

Great. Great.

- Karl and I are moving in together.
- What?

- Why? When?
- As soon as possible.

So it looks like you'll be
on your own. Sorry, old boy.

So what, are you...
moving into his place?

God, no! His place is hideous.

- It's like some '80s bachelor pad.
- You never said.

Why do you think
we never go to your house?

So what, you...

- gonna move in somewhere new?
- I guess so.

We will.

Which is a shame,
because I really love it here.

- I'm gonna miss the old place.
- Hang on.

Why don't you both move in here?

- What?
- Yeah, why not?

You could have the top floor,
like your own apartment.

- You cannot be serious!
- I can and I am.

I won't even charge you extra.
How about that?

- That is tempting.
- Great.

Do you have any idea
what you're saying?

Not a clue.

But I'd take me up on my offer
before I change my mind.

I really don't wanna
move out of here.

Please.

Oh, please, Karl.

How can you resist?

Please.

I know what you're thinking.

Such a selfless act,
giving Abby and Karl a helping

hand as they embark on
to the next stage of their relationship.

Even though
I'm hopelessly in love with her.

I don't get it, Don.
Why did you do it?

Look, I'd rather he moved
in than her move out.

Anything than her move out.

If she went,
I might never see her again.

So, we're all done.

Great.

- This is gonna be fun.
- Yeah, fun.

- Perfect.
- Cheers.