How Not to Live Your Life (2007–2011): Season 1, Episode 5 - Like Father Like Don - full transcript
So, I was just sitting around,
enjoying having the house to myself,
when the doorbell rang.
I should've known it
was gonna be bad news.
Friends don't just turn up,
not in days age.
They call ahead first, or send a text.
I'm not interested in buying
a little girl today. Thank you.
- Are you Mr Danbury?
- Yeah.
I mean, it depends.
Shit, I should've just
said "depends" first.
I've been sent because you're
haven't paid your council tax.
Thanks for reminding me.
I don't think you understand.
I'm a bailiff.
4 things you shouldn't say
to a Bailiff
Please don't hurt me.
Please!
And... sleep.
When you awake,
you'll have absolutely no idea
what you're doing here.
Oh, and later in the week,
you'll tell your family you're gay.
Wake.
What am I doing here?
That should more than cover it.
This is just a piece of paper
with the queen's head drawn on.
That's 70 British pounds.
Surely we can work something out?
You like?
Right, then,
let's see what you got.
I always thought
bailiffs were a myth.
So, who are you then?
That's my dad.
I'm on school holidays,
so I thought I'd come along,
see what he gets up to at work.
What, like bring
your daughter to work day?
Right then.
This seems to be the
only thing worth taking.
What?
Not the telly.
Please not the telly.
The telly's my only real friend.
Please! Please.
Treacle, grab that and all.
Not the telly, please.
Please, no!
Please no, not the telly.
Synchro: mpm, Arrow
And on the news today,
two men and a prostitute
were found dead in a post box.
Click.
G'day mate.
Did you hear about Sheila?
- She found out she's a Siamese twin...
- Click.
Hello, and welcome to Loose Women.
Click, click, click.
Sorry, Don, am I not any good?
It's just not the real thing.
You don't make a convincing
Loose Women presenter.
It's the wig, isn't it?
It was your nan's.
You don't have that air of
"men are scum", like they do.
And also, I quite like jerking
my little Don when they're on.
I've seen stranger things
at the elderly centre, so
I wouldn't be uncomfortable.
Yeah, but I would!
Hey, you two.
What's going on?
Eddie's trying to replace
the television.
Apparently I'm not
as good as the real thing, though.
And Don's not comfortable
masturbating in front me.
So what happened to
the actual television?
The bailiff took it.
It's not funny, Menford.
That TV was like a brother to me.
Why does everything I love leave me?
Karl, you were thinking of buying me
a new television, weren't you?
I was?
Maybe now's the time.
Shouldn't you think
about getting a new job?
You know, you can actually go
to prison for not paying taxes.
Prison?
Really?
I could get you a job
at the elderly centre.
Helping me shower the old folk,
brush their teeth and whatnot?
I would rather give Karl a blowie
than wash a geriatric.
- You've got to do something.
- But I don't want to.
I like sitting around all day.
You know, just watching
television and reading.
- Reading!
- Yes, Karl, I read.
I'm half way through this
at the moment.
It's great.
Don't tell me how it ends.
Couldn't you get Don an interview
with your dad's company?
- What?
- What?
Yeah. You said they were looking
for someone to fill your old position.
- Yes, but not...
- What is it you do again?
I'm not sure about this, babe.
Property developer.
Estate agent?
No, Don. Property developer, yeah?
We specialize in homes abroad.
Abby, I really don't think...
What, you get to go on
free holidays and stuff?
- Sometimes.
- Count me in.
Get me that interview.
I like the sound of it.
Excellent.
Thank you, babe.
- Who wants a cup of tea?
- I'll help you.
- If I do this for you, you'll owe me...
- Click.
- I'm being serious, this...
- Click.
- This isn't even funny.
- Click.
I hadn't had
a job interview in ages.
I'm not particularly qualified
for anything,
so I always rely
on my charm and wit.
You don't seem to have
a lot of experience.
But that's not
necessarily a problem.
So,
tell us a bit about yourself.
6 things you shouldn't do
at a job interview
Do you know how
annoying your voice is?
All I can hear is...
Sorry about that. Bit nervous.
Have I got it? Have I?
No, I haven't.
Tell me. Have I got it?
Tell me if I've got the job.
- Any questions?
- Yes.
Do you bleach your moustache?
"From '98 to '99,
I worked in a bank
"From '99 to '03 I was a rent boy!"
Now obviously,
they're the things you shouldn't do.
But once I'd worked that out,
I knew exactly what I should say.
So, tell us a bit about yourself.
I'm ambitious, I'm hungry.
I will screw over anyone.
Any mother lover gets in my way,
I will pound them into the dirt.
And I'm a team player.
I thought I would have won them over
with phrases like "team player",
but they hated me.
Come back here.
Glen Menford.
I own this company.
Hence the name.
You must be my son's friend?
Well, we're "friends" I guess, yeah.
I like what you did there
with the friends,
inverted commas, joke thing.
- You did really bad in there.
- Well, I dunno...
You lied in there, Danbury.
You proved yourself to be deceitful,
dishonest, cunning and insincere.
Four qualities I like in a man.
Let's walk and talk.
It gives the staff
something to watch.
You were one of the worst interviewees
we've ever had in that room.
But I saw something
the others didn't.
Really? What?
Raw talent, Danbury.
Untapped,
unearthed,
un-nurtured.
Thanks! You know,
I've always said to people,
"You just don't see it,
look a little deeper.
"No, deeper than that.
"No, a bit deeper.
"A little bit deeper?
There, that's it."
But then, they're always gone
by the time I say, "There, that's it."
And that hurts, right?
To be honest,
I'm beyond caring now.
Bingo!
If only there were more men like you
in the world, Danbury,
willing to risk anyone
ever liking them,
just so they can get
a bit further ahead in life.
Of course, it's not plain sailoring.
You need some training.
You need tutoring.
You need someone to help strip away
all the many, many faults
that you have.
But I am prepared to be that someone.
Hell, I haven't had a protege
since Dwight Pocock died.
What do you say, kid?
You wanna jump on board this vessel?
Yeah, all right.
Afternoon, dickhead.
Hello?
Hello?
Nan?
Dickhead?
I'm behind Jesus.
Why's there a hole in the wall?
Oh, this?
Your grandmother couldn't afford to get
it fixed, so she just covered it up.
Why didn't you get it covered, then?
- But it's on her side.
- What?
There's someone here
who wants to talk with you.
Look, if it's your husband,
I'd rather not.
It's just that since the stroke, it's
hard to understand what he's saying.
Mr Danbury.
Mr Bitchman. What are you doing
in Mrs Treacher's house?
I've been trying to get hold of you.
But you fail to answer my phone calls
day in, day out,
or respond to my messages.
Get the hint.
You're like a woman scorned.
No, Mr Danbury,
I'm a solicitor scorned.
So you try and get this hint.
We haven't had a payment
on the house in weeks.
We will have you evicted if you don't
settle your payments by Friday.
- Understood?
- That's not really a hint, is it?
- More a direct threat.
- Indeed.
For your information, Mr Bitchman,
I have just landed myself a job.
So I will have your money.
Okay? Good day.
Dickhead.
Who'd have thought
I'd enjoy saying I've got a job?
So... how'd it go?
The interview was
a complete car crash.
- Better luck next time?
- But he gave me the job.
I did try and warn you...
What?
- That's excellent!
- You're looking at
Glen Menford's latest prote-gay.
He hasn't had a protege
since Dwight Pocock died.
I'm gonna go to bed
cos I've got to be up early
for my new job.
That's why I hated working.
Better get stuck in,
make a good impression.
4 ways you shouldn't turn up
on your first day at work
I'm the new guy.
Right you,
go get me a tall, decaf,
skinny frappa-mocha-chocaccino!
Now, you slut!
I've just arrived, actually, yeah.
God no, they all look like
complete knobs.
Hey, everyone.
Hi, hi. I'm the new guy.
Now, I will come over and say
hello to you all individually, but...
right now I need to take a shit.
I'm the new guy.
Is there anywhere I could put this?
There he is.
So, how are you feeling
on your first day?
- Yeah, pretty good.
- Advice? Yeah,
I'll give you some advice, tiger.
Always listen to your balls.
I already do that.
- I actually do that!
- I knew I recognised something in you.
It's weird, you know, all my
life women have said to me,
"You think with your dick." But I don't.
I think with my balls. I mean,
- I swear by them.
- Great.
Listen, I'd love to sit here all day
and talk about our balls. But hey,
we've both got work
to get on with.
So...
Suzy's asked me to call the
investors of the Tenerife project.
Suck my prick,
she's thrown you in the deep end.
You see, the Tenerife project,
it's like a hooker I regularly visit.
Lots of awkward chit-chat
which always ends up with me
getting screwed in the arse.
Dad...
That's what they think
they're investing in.
Nice.
This is what the project
currently looks like.
Describe it.
It's disgusting.
Don't use this.
Use the balls.
It's paradise.
It's a beautiful dream home
for holidaymakers,
retired couples,
and families alike.
The locals, they're very friendly.
And there's fish...
in the... sea.
Excellent. Excellent, Danbury.
Except for the fish bit.
But you're gonna be just fine.
Right, better get cracking.
Turns out lying and being deceitful
is something I'm pretty good at.
So you'll transfer
the money straight away?
Brilliant, you will not regret this.
Okay. Goodbye.
In conclusion, that's why we
should all think about water sports.
So I said,
"How do you like them balls?"
All I'm saying, Dad, is that I'm
surprised you took him on... is all.
What are you saying, you silly
bitch? You recommended him.
You should be happy.
I'm pleased you did.
Yes, I know but...
Look, Dad, if you...
really wanted a new protege
so badly, you...
could have looked
a little closer to home.
What, Tania the housemaid?
No, she'd be useless in this field.
I'm much better off letting her
clean the detritus off my sheets.
Go on, get lost.
I've got work to do.
Ah, Don, you man tart.
Ah, busy later?
Fancy doing something ball-related?
What do your parents do, Danbury?
- They don't do anything.
- I thought as much.
Their laziness has been a terrible
influence on you these many, many years.
No, no, Glen, I mean they're dead.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll fist my mouth later.
- When did they pop their clogs?
- When I was born.
They died during childbirth.
What, both of them?
There,
that's it.
You know, I never really met my
parents either, Danbury.
Really?
I just popped out of my mother's
vagina, screaming like a baby.
No handshake. No, "Hello.
"I'm Glen, your son.
Let's hope this works out."
Nothing. I'm ashamed.
I think a strong handshake is the
only way to meet another human.
Especially your parents.
Don't you, Danbury?
Yes, Mr Menford.
Hey, enough of this horse crap shit.
- Call me Glen.
- Yes, Glen.
I can't stress it enough.
Check them daily.
I will, yeah.
Thanks, Glen.
You know, Glen,
sometimes I just can't believe
Karl's your son.
Me neither.
He's an embarrassment.
I sometimes wonder
if he's even mine.
Or whether my ex
betrayed me with the paperboy.
Yeah, or maybe she
slept with a panda.
- You know, cos she's...
- Watch it, Danbury!
That is my son you're talking about!
Sorry.
He may be a ridiculous example of man.
But I still love him.
I just wish he would step
up to the plate sometimes.
Squirt some more H2O on
the coals, will you, son?
And so things were looking good,
on my 40-inch telly bought by Karl.
I don't mean to be annoying
- but have you been paid yet?
- Yes.
You are going to settle
the house payments, aren't you?
Probably next month.
I've spent most of this month's wages.
- On stuff I need, Eddie.
- What stuff?
One of the rarest cigars
in the world.
A reusable diamond-studded sheath.
For a better-looking penis.
One Samurai sword.
You know, in case of burglars.
What are those for?
A Delorean. Yeah. Got it outside.
We can play Back To The Future.
Bagsy I'm Biff.
- What's that?
- The world's smallest digital camera.
Yeah, state of the art.
It's your dad.
Well, if it isn't the Glenminator!
I'm good, yeah. I'm just watching
television with your son and Abby.
Glen! You can't say that
about your son's chick.
I don't care what you'd like
to do to her, it's wrong.
What?
Saturday? Nothing?
Yeah, sure, yeah.
All right. OK, I'll see you later.
I tell you,
your old man is such a character.
He's taking me out
on the boat this weekend.
- You're going fishing?
- Yeah.
I don't believe it.
Yeah, I know.
What a pain in the batty.
I've gotta get up at 6am
on a Saturday.
Oh, well. Could be fun, I guess.
I just don't get it.
Tizer.
Remember to eat tonight, Glen.
Come.
You wanted to see me?
Come here.
Enjoy the boat at the weekend,
did you?
I can't believe you caught a shark.
And wrestled with it.
Listen, you won't tell anyone
it was actually a dolphin, will you?
People don't mind a grown man
punching a shark in the face.
But when it comes to dolphins
it's, "Ooh, ooh, save the dolphins."
"Save the dolphins."
I know.
Do you fancy a wrestle?
Oh, right, good one.
Imagine us two wrestling.
- Morning, Suzy.
- Morning, Karl.
Help me!
He never does that with me.
That was awesome.
I need you to do something for me.
What?
We've got a very
important presentation coming up.
We have to show the Tenerife
investors where we're at.
It's gonna be tricky.
The whole thing's a mess.
Building work isn't finished.
And we've got environmentalists,
or as I like to call them, "mentalists",
protesting at the site.
Apparently we're killing off
a rare breed of local "turtle".
- What are we looking at, Glen?
- Your future.
Now, I was going to give this
presentation to my son, Karl Menford.
But it's a big one, so frankly,
I would rather French kiss him.
- It's yours.
- Really?
I don't want you pulling
a Dwight Pocock.
When you get up there
in front of all those people,
promise me you won't freeze.
Promise me you won't pull
a Pocock and die.
Oh, right, Pocock died on stage.
He's not dead, dead, dead?
God, no!
But he's dead in the balls.
And that's where
it counts the most.
So?
I'm your man.
Right.
One more wrestle before lunch, eh?
Do we have to?
No, Glen! What are you doing?
No, please, Glen. No!
After wrestling with the father,
I then had to tackle the son.
- All right?
- So, I hear a rumour
you'll be doing
the Tenerife presentation?
That's not a rumour, my friend.
That's the truth.
Right.
Right.
- Bit awkward, this...
- I should be doing it,
you know?
It was meant to be me.
Bit more awkward.
Still,
things couldn't be better
with Abby.
I mean I've got that, I suppose.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's a bit madcap,
but things between us are probably
the best since... when we got together.
I realised I'd hardly seen Abby.
But I was loving this new lifestyle.
Were the two mutually exclusive?
That's not a flattering image,
is it, of Karl?
Abigail. Come in, entrez.
- What's going on?
- You like?
Got it installed this morning.
Don, this is so extravagant.
Thank you very much.
I can't find it.
What do you mean, you can't find it?
- It's there!
- But I can't see it.
You don't need to see it.
Just use your hands.
I've lost my lighter.
It's in there somewhere.
Are you happy?
I've got a jacuzzi in my bedroom.
I'm insane with happiness.
Why?
Karl's really upset
about his dad asking you
to do this presentation thingy.
He should learn to be a bit
more like his old man, then!
Yeah, well. You can't just pretend
to be someone that you're not.
Try telling that to Dustin Hoffman.
- Where is Karl?
- He's downstairs.
I think he's a bit depressed.
It's strange. But all of this
has brought us closer together.
Really?
I much prefer Karl when he's not trying
to prove something.
When he's less like his dad.
I know you two don't always
see eye to eye, Don.
But he's a good guy, really.
Oh, I dunno, I guess I'm just
a sucker for the underdog.
Oh, hi, Abby. You wanna jump in?
Thanks. I've not got a costume.
That's OK. Neither have we.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I think speeches should
be like lovers...
short,
penetrative and eastern European.
But I don't speak Polish.
So, I'm gonna cut to the chase
and introduce you to the young buck
who is gonna tell you
everything you need to know
about your beautiful Tenerife homes.
He's a great kid.
He's like a son to me.
Don Danbury, everyone.
Thank you, thanks.
Thanks, Glen.
So.
So we...
Things couldn't be better with Abby.
I've got that, I suppose.
Oh, I dunno, I guess I'm just
a sucker for the underdog.
Don't forget to wash
under your foreskin.
No. Please, no.
Oh, Christ. He's pulled a Pocock.
What is it with me and young men?
I always push it into them too soon.
And too hard.
Dad.
Yes, Don?
- I mean, Karl.
- I'll do it.
What?
Thanks, Don.
So, "Where's my money going?"
I hear you ask.
I can answer that question for you
with one word.
Para... dise!
You've worked hard.
You deserve your place in the sun!
And when you see our business plans,
your hearts will melt.
Thank you. To begin with...
I can't believe you froze.
That's a disaster.
Yeah, but I didn't actually freeze.
- I threw it on purpose.
- What? Why?
You'll see.
Shame about earlier.
I guess it takes a certain type to stand
up in front of all those people.
- I don't think now's the time, is it?
- That's all right, Abby.
Don't be surprised if Dad
sends you a ball wreath.
- Now, there's no need for that.
- Oh, sorry.
And I'm sorry you lost your job.
But, you know, Dad, can't have
another Pocock on the team.
Why don't you go upstairs
and I'll make us a cup of tea.
Right.
See you misfits later.
Poor you.
- You must feel awful.
- I do.
Come here.
You know,
I'm really pleased for Karl.
But I do hope this doesn't
turn him into a prize cock.
He probably will.
So, I might have lost that job,
but I have more important things
like Abby, and my 40-inch telly.
You again.
Come in.
There's a TV in the living room.
You can't miss it.
It's massive.
enjoying having the house to myself,
when the doorbell rang.
I should've known it
was gonna be bad news.
Friends don't just turn up,
not in days age.
They call ahead first, or send a text.
I'm not interested in buying
a little girl today. Thank you.
- Are you Mr Danbury?
- Yeah.
I mean, it depends.
Shit, I should've just
said "depends" first.
I've been sent because you're
haven't paid your council tax.
Thanks for reminding me.
I don't think you understand.
I'm a bailiff.
4 things you shouldn't say
to a Bailiff
Please don't hurt me.
Please!
And... sleep.
When you awake,
you'll have absolutely no idea
what you're doing here.
Oh, and later in the week,
you'll tell your family you're gay.
Wake.
What am I doing here?
That should more than cover it.
This is just a piece of paper
with the queen's head drawn on.
That's 70 British pounds.
Surely we can work something out?
You like?
Right, then,
let's see what you got.
I always thought
bailiffs were a myth.
So, who are you then?
That's my dad.
I'm on school holidays,
so I thought I'd come along,
see what he gets up to at work.
What, like bring
your daughter to work day?
Right then.
This seems to be the
only thing worth taking.
What?
Not the telly.
Please not the telly.
The telly's my only real friend.
Please! Please.
Treacle, grab that and all.
Not the telly, please.
Please, no!
Please no, not the telly.
Synchro: mpm, Arrow
And on the news today,
two men and a prostitute
were found dead in a post box.
Click.
G'day mate.
Did you hear about Sheila?
- She found out she's a Siamese twin...
- Click.
Hello, and welcome to Loose Women.
Click, click, click.
Sorry, Don, am I not any good?
It's just not the real thing.
You don't make a convincing
Loose Women presenter.
It's the wig, isn't it?
It was your nan's.
You don't have that air of
"men are scum", like they do.
And also, I quite like jerking
my little Don when they're on.
I've seen stranger things
at the elderly centre, so
I wouldn't be uncomfortable.
Yeah, but I would!
Hey, you two.
What's going on?
Eddie's trying to replace
the television.
Apparently I'm not
as good as the real thing, though.
And Don's not comfortable
masturbating in front me.
So what happened to
the actual television?
The bailiff took it.
It's not funny, Menford.
That TV was like a brother to me.
Why does everything I love leave me?
Karl, you were thinking of buying me
a new television, weren't you?
I was?
Maybe now's the time.
Shouldn't you think
about getting a new job?
You know, you can actually go
to prison for not paying taxes.
Prison?
Really?
I could get you a job
at the elderly centre.
Helping me shower the old folk,
brush their teeth and whatnot?
I would rather give Karl a blowie
than wash a geriatric.
- You've got to do something.
- But I don't want to.
I like sitting around all day.
You know, just watching
television and reading.
- Reading!
- Yes, Karl, I read.
I'm half way through this
at the moment.
It's great.
Don't tell me how it ends.
Couldn't you get Don an interview
with your dad's company?
- What?
- What?
Yeah. You said they were looking
for someone to fill your old position.
- Yes, but not...
- What is it you do again?
I'm not sure about this, babe.
Property developer.
Estate agent?
No, Don. Property developer, yeah?
We specialize in homes abroad.
Abby, I really don't think...
What, you get to go on
free holidays and stuff?
- Sometimes.
- Count me in.
Get me that interview.
I like the sound of it.
Excellent.
Thank you, babe.
- Who wants a cup of tea?
- I'll help you.
- If I do this for you, you'll owe me...
- Click.
- I'm being serious, this...
- Click.
- This isn't even funny.
- Click.
I hadn't had
a job interview in ages.
I'm not particularly qualified
for anything,
so I always rely
on my charm and wit.
You don't seem to have
a lot of experience.
But that's not
necessarily a problem.
So,
tell us a bit about yourself.
6 things you shouldn't do
at a job interview
Do you know how
annoying your voice is?
All I can hear is...
Sorry about that. Bit nervous.
Have I got it? Have I?
No, I haven't.
Tell me. Have I got it?
Tell me if I've got the job.
- Any questions?
- Yes.
Do you bleach your moustache?
"From '98 to '99,
I worked in a bank
"From '99 to '03 I was a rent boy!"
Now obviously,
they're the things you shouldn't do.
But once I'd worked that out,
I knew exactly what I should say.
So, tell us a bit about yourself.
I'm ambitious, I'm hungry.
I will screw over anyone.
Any mother lover gets in my way,
I will pound them into the dirt.
And I'm a team player.
I thought I would have won them over
with phrases like "team player",
but they hated me.
Come back here.
Glen Menford.
I own this company.
Hence the name.
You must be my son's friend?
Well, we're "friends" I guess, yeah.
I like what you did there
with the friends,
inverted commas, joke thing.
- You did really bad in there.
- Well, I dunno...
You lied in there, Danbury.
You proved yourself to be deceitful,
dishonest, cunning and insincere.
Four qualities I like in a man.
Let's walk and talk.
It gives the staff
something to watch.
You were one of the worst interviewees
we've ever had in that room.
But I saw something
the others didn't.
Really? What?
Raw talent, Danbury.
Untapped,
unearthed,
un-nurtured.
Thanks! You know,
I've always said to people,
"You just don't see it,
look a little deeper.
"No, deeper than that.
"No, a bit deeper.
"A little bit deeper?
There, that's it."
But then, they're always gone
by the time I say, "There, that's it."
And that hurts, right?
To be honest,
I'm beyond caring now.
Bingo!
If only there were more men like you
in the world, Danbury,
willing to risk anyone
ever liking them,
just so they can get
a bit further ahead in life.
Of course, it's not plain sailoring.
You need some training.
You need tutoring.
You need someone to help strip away
all the many, many faults
that you have.
But I am prepared to be that someone.
Hell, I haven't had a protege
since Dwight Pocock died.
What do you say, kid?
You wanna jump on board this vessel?
Yeah, all right.
Afternoon, dickhead.
Hello?
Hello?
Nan?
Dickhead?
I'm behind Jesus.
Why's there a hole in the wall?
Oh, this?
Your grandmother couldn't afford to get
it fixed, so she just covered it up.
Why didn't you get it covered, then?
- But it's on her side.
- What?
There's someone here
who wants to talk with you.
Look, if it's your husband,
I'd rather not.
It's just that since the stroke, it's
hard to understand what he's saying.
Mr Danbury.
Mr Bitchman. What are you doing
in Mrs Treacher's house?
I've been trying to get hold of you.
But you fail to answer my phone calls
day in, day out,
or respond to my messages.
Get the hint.
You're like a woman scorned.
No, Mr Danbury,
I'm a solicitor scorned.
So you try and get this hint.
We haven't had a payment
on the house in weeks.
We will have you evicted if you don't
settle your payments by Friday.
- Understood?
- That's not really a hint, is it?
- More a direct threat.
- Indeed.
For your information, Mr Bitchman,
I have just landed myself a job.
So I will have your money.
Okay? Good day.
Dickhead.
Who'd have thought
I'd enjoy saying I've got a job?
So... how'd it go?
The interview was
a complete car crash.
- Better luck next time?
- But he gave me the job.
I did try and warn you...
What?
- That's excellent!
- You're looking at
Glen Menford's latest prote-gay.
He hasn't had a protege
since Dwight Pocock died.
I'm gonna go to bed
cos I've got to be up early
for my new job.
That's why I hated working.
Better get stuck in,
make a good impression.
4 ways you shouldn't turn up
on your first day at work
I'm the new guy.
Right you,
go get me a tall, decaf,
skinny frappa-mocha-chocaccino!
Now, you slut!
I've just arrived, actually, yeah.
God no, they all look like
complete knobs.
Hey, everyone.
Hi, hi. I'm the new guy.
Now, I will come over and say
hello to you all individually, but...
right now I need to take a shit.
I'm the new guy.
Is there anywhere I could put this?
There he is.
So, how are you feeling
on your first day?
- Yeah, pretty good.
- Advice? Yeah,
I'll give you some advice, tiger.
Always listen to your balls.
I already do that.
- I actually do that!
- I knew I recognised something in you.
It's weird, you know, all my
life women have said to me,
"You think with your dick." But I don't.
I think with my balls. I mean,
- I swear by them.
- Great.
Listen, I'd love to sit here all day
and talk about our balls. But hey,
we've both got work
to get on with.
So...
Suzy's asked me to call the
investors of the Tenerife project.
Suck my prick,
she's thrown you in the deep end.
You see, the Tenerife project,
it's like a hooker I regularly visit.
Lots of awkward chit-chat
which always ends up with me
getting screwed in the arse.
Dad...
That's what they think
they're investing in.
Nice.
This is what the project
currently looks like.
Describe it.
It's disgusting.
Don't use this.
Use the balls.
It's paradise.
It's a beautiful dream home
for holidaymakers,
retired couples,
and families alike.
The locals, they're very friendly.
And there's fish...
in the... sea.
Excellent. Excellent, Danbury.
Except for the fish bit.
But you're gonna be just fine.
Right, better get cracking.
Turns out lying and being deceitful
is something I'm pretty good at.
So you'll transfer
the money straight away?
Brilliant, you will not regret this.
Okay. Goodbye.
In conclusion, that's why we
should all think about water sports.
So I said,
"How do you like them balls?"
All I'm saying, Dad, is that I'm
surprised you took him on... is all.
What are you saying, you silly
bitch? You recommended him.
You should be happy.
I'm pleased you did.
Yes, I know but...
Look, Dad, if you...
really wanted a new protege
so badly, you...
could have looked
a little closer to home.
What, Tania the housemaid?
No, she'd be useless in this field.
I'm much better off letting her
clean the detritus off my sheets.
Go on, get lost.
I've got work to do.
Ah, Don, you man tart.
Ah, busy later?
Fancy doing something ball-related?
What do your parents do, Danbury?
- They don't do anything.
- I thought as much.
Their laziness has been a terrible
influence on you these many, many years.
No, no, Glen, I mean they're dead.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll fist my mouth later.
- When did they pop their clogs?
- When I was born.
They died during childbirth.
What, both of them?
There,
that's it.
You know, I never really met my
parents either, Danbury.
Really?
I just popped out of my mother's
vagina, screaming like a baby.
No handshake. No, "Hello.
"I'm Glen, your son.
Let's hope this works out."
Nothing. I'm ashamed.
I think a strong handshake is the
only way to meet another human.
Especially your parents.
Don't you, Danbury?
Yes, Mr Menford.
Hey, enough of this horse crap shit.
- Call me Glen.
- Yes, Glen.
I can't stress it enough.
Check them daily.
I will, yeah.
Thanks, Glen.
You know, Glen,
sometimes I just can't believe
Karl's your son.
Me neither.
He's an embarrassment.
I sometimes wonder
if he's even mine.
Or whether my ex
betrayed me with the paperboy.
Yeah, or maybe she
slept with a panda.
- You know, cos she's...
- Watch it, Danbury!
That is my son you're talking about!
Sorry.
He may be a ridiculous example of man.
But I still love him.
I just wish he would step
up to the plate sometimes.
Squirt some more H2O on
the coals, will you, son?
And so things were looking good,
on my 40-inch telly bought by Karl.
I don't mean to be annoying
- but have you been paid yet?
- Yes.
You are going to settle
the house payments, aren't you?
Probably next month.
I've spent most of this month's wages.
- On stuff I need, Eddie.
- What stuff?
One of the rarest cigars
in the world.
A reusable diamond-studded sheath.
For a better-looking penis.
One Samurai sword.
You know, in case of burglars.
What are those for?
A Delorean. Yeah. Got it outside.
We can play Back To The Future.
Bagsy I'm Biff.
- What's that?
- The world's smallest digital camera.
Yeah, state of the art.
It's your dad.
Well, if it isn't the Glenminator!
I'm good, yeah. I'm just watching
television with your son and Abby.
Glen! You can't say that
about your son's chick.
I don't care what you'd like
to do to her, it's wrong.
What?
Saturday? Nothing?
Yeah, sure, yeah.
All right. OK, I'll see you later.
I tell you,
your old man is such a character.
He's taking me out
on the boat this weekend.
- You're going fishing?
- Yeah.
I don't believe it.
Yeah, I know.
What a pain in the batty.
I've gotta get up at 6am
on a Saturday.
Oh, well. Could be fun, I guess.
I just don't get it.
Tizer.
Remember to eat tonight, Glen.
Come.
You wanted to see me?
Come here.
Enjoy the boat at the weekend,
did you?
I can't believe you caught a shark.
And wrestled with it.
Listen, you won't tell anyone
it was actually a dolphin, will you?
People don't mind a grown man
punching a shark in the face.
But when it comes to dolphins
it's, "Ooh, ooh, save the dolphins."
"Save the dolphins."
I know.
Do you fancy a wrestle?
Oh, right, good one.
Imagine us two wrestling.
- Morning, Suzy.
- Morning, Karl.
Help me!
He never does that with me.
That was awesome.
I need you to do something for me.
What?
We've got a very
important presentation coming up.
We have to show the Tenerife
investors where we're at.
It's gonna be tricky.
The whole thing's a mess.
Building work isn't finished.
And we've got environmentalists,
or as I like to call them, "mentalists",
protesting at the site.
Apparently we're killing off
a rare breed of local "turtle".
- What are we looking at, Glen?
- Your future.
Now, I was going to give this
presentation to my son, Karl Menford.
But it's a big one, so frankly,
I would rather French kiss him.
- It's yours.
- Really?
I don't want you pulling
a Dwight Pocock.
When you get up there
in front of all those people,
promise me you won't freeze.
Promise me you won't pull
a Pocock and die.
Oh, right, Pocock died on stage.
He's not dead, dead, dead?
God, no!
But he's dead in the balls.
And that's where
it counts the most.
So?
I'm your man.
Right.
One more wrestle before lunch, eh?
Do we have to?
No, Glen! What are you doing?
No, please, Glen. No!
After wrestling with the father,
I then had to tackle the son.
- All right?
- So, I hear a rumour
you'll be doing
the Tenerife presentation?
That's not a rumour, my friend.
That's the truth.
Right.
Right.
- Bit awkward, this...
- I should be doing it,
you know?
It was meant to be me.
Bit more awkward.
Still,
things couldn't be better
with Abby.
I mean I've got that, I suppose.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's a bit madcap,
but things between us are probably
the best since... when we got together.
I realised I'd hardly seen Abby.
But I was loving this new lifestyle.
Were the two mutually exclusive?
That's not a flattering image,
is it, of Karl?
Abigail. Come in, entrez.
- What's going on?
- You like?
Got it installed this morning.
Don, this is so extravagant.
Thank you very much.
I can't find it.
What do you mean, you can't find it?
- It's there!
- But I can't see it.
You don't need to see it.
Just use your hands.
I've lost my lighter.
It's in there somewhere.
Are you happy?
I've got a jacuzzi in my bedroom.
I'm insane with happiness.
Why?
Karl's really upset
about his dad asking you
to do this presentation thingy.
He should learn to be a bit
more like his old man, then!
Yeah, well. You can't just pretend
to be someone that you're not.
Try telling that to Dustin Hoffman.
- Where is Karl?
- He's downstairs.
I think he's a bit depressed.
It's strange. But all of this
has brought us closer together.
Really?
I much prefer Karl when he's not trying
to prove something.
When he's less like his dad.
I know you two don't always
see eye to eye, Don.
But he's a good guy, really.
Oh, I dunno, I guess I'm just
a sucker for the underdog.
Oh, hi, Abby. You wanna jump in?
Thanks. I've not got a costume.
That's OK. Neither have we.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I think speeches should
be like lovers...
short,
penetrative and eastern European.
But I don't speak Polish.
So, I'm gonna cut to the chase
and introduce you to the young buck
who is gonna tell you
everything you need to know
about your beautiful Tenerife homes.
He's a great kid.
He's like a son to me.
Don Danbury, everyone.
Thank you, thanks.
Thanks, Glen.
So.
So we...
Things couldn't be better with Abby.
I've got that, I suppose.
Oh, I dunno, I guess I'm just
a sucker for the underdog.
Don't forget to wash
under your foreskin.
No. Please, no.
Oh, Christ. He's pulled a Pocock.
What is it with me and young men?
I always push it into them too soon.
And too hard.
Dad.
Yes, Don?
- I mean, Karl.
- I'll do it.
What?
Thanks, Don.
So, "Where's my money going?"
I hear you ask.
I can answer that question for you
with one word.
Para... dise!
You've worked hard.
You deserve your place in the sun!
And when you see our business plans,
your hearts will melt.
Thank you. To begin with...
I can't believe you froze.
That's a disaster.
Yeah, but I didn't actually freeze.
- I threw it on purpose.
- What? Why?
You'll see.
Shame about earlier.
I guess it takes a certain type to stand
up in front of all those people.
- I don't think now's the time, is it?
- That's all right, Abby.
Don't be surprised if Dad
sends you a ball wreath.
- Now, there's no need for that.
- Oh, sorry.
And I'm sorry you lost your job.
But, you know, Dad, can't have
another Pocock on the team.
Why don't you go upstairs
and I'll make us a cup of tea.
Right.
See you misfits later.
Poor you.
- You must feel awful.
- I do.
Come here.
You know,
I'm really pleased for Karl.
But I do hope this doesn't
turn him into a prize cock.
He probably will.
So, I might have lost that job,
but I have more important things
like Abby, and my 40-inch telly.
You again.
Come in.
There's a TV in the living room.
You can't miss it.
It's massive.