How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 9, Episode 14 - Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra - full transcript

Oh, sorry, kids.

I forgot to mention there's a bit
of a back-story to this particular slap.

Oh, man.

At least it landed on the mustard stain.

Don't bother. That suit is a stain.
A stain on the very institution of suits.

You know what tie goes with that suit?
The tie at the top of a Hefty bag.

A suit like that only needs
Self-destruct.

Hey, I bought him that suit.

Where, Barfs Brothers?

Men's Outhouse?

Georgio Arms-Are-Not-
The-Same-Lengthy?

That suit is a slap in the face
to all suits everywhere.

A slap in the face.

Ah, yes, Barney,
there's something I need to tell you...

...about the next slap that you'll receive.

You see, I want this slap
to be as painful as humanly possible.

- Sure.
- Okay, okay.

Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Yes, you won a slap bet with me
seven years ago.

And yes, over the years
you got in some great slaps...

Some great slaps.

But here's the problem. You've tormented
me so much that I am now immune to it.

It's as if my face, my psyche, my soul
were covered in that numbing cream...

...we all put on our deal
so that we can go all night, right, fellas?

Okay, we'll all just pretend
like we've never done that.

Just like we've all never sat
on our left hand until it fell asleep...

...and then used it for an away-gamer.

Okay, we'll all pretend
like we've never done that...

...just like we've all never taken
two live jumper cables...

Please, stop.

Barney, I'm well aware that you've
developed a resistance...

...to all of my old tricks, which is why
I sought out special training.

Hi. Hey, I'm sure you
get this question all the time...

...but is there a special class
where I just learn slapping?

We teach kung fu here.

Right. See, the thing is
I don't need to learn anything...

...about kicking, you know, because, uh:

So yeah, I'm good there.
What I really need to learn is slapping.

I need someone to teach me how
to slap my friend just, like, really hard...

...right in his stupid face.
Can you teach me that?

Kung fu is an ancient
and honorable martial art.

It must be learned with great
devotion and respect.

So where are we on this slapping thing?

- Yes, no, maybe...?
- Get out.

Psst. I know what you seek.

You seek to learn the slap
of a thousand exploding suns.

Yes, that's totally a thing I've heard of.
Can you teach me?

No, but I know who can.

Can you take me to this great master?
I have much gold.

It is not one great master you seek,
but three.

They will teach you the three mighty
virtues of slapistry.

Speed.

Strength.

And accuracy.

Put these three virtues together...

...and only then will you have mastered
the slap...

...of a million exploding suns.

I'm sorry to interrupt...

...but a second ago, wasn't it the slap
of a thousand exploding suns?

Pretty sure I said a million. Guys?

- He said a million.
- Definitely.

So I went to Shanghai...

- You didn't go to Shanghai.
- I went to Shanghai.

- When did you go?
- Last year I went.

- You didn't go to Shanghai.
- He went.

- He didn't go.
- Totally went.

- Didn't.
- I went to Shanghai.

In search of the first master.

Are you Red Bird?

Okay, enough.

I know you're trying to freak me out,
but like I said, it's not working.

So I will give you much gold...

...to stop wasting my time.

Hold that thought,
I just wanna see if I can fix this.

The slap of 10 million exploding suns!

Whoops.

Agh. Pfft!

Relax, I'm not gonna slap you right now.

When I slap you, it shall be beneath a
willow tree next to four women and a tiger.

A willow tree, four women and a tiger?
What are you talking about?

Who said anything about a willow tree,
four women and a tiger? Guys?

You were totally silent just now.

But Marshall just said that.
What is going on?

How did you do that to the jukebox?

Wait, it's fake.

That's a prop jukebox
designed just to mess with me.

Marshall, that jukebox cost 8 grand.

I have much gold.

Huh. That is much.

You got lucky, Eriksen.

I don't like this.

I thought nothing I said or did
could intimidate you anymore.

That's right, it can't.

Aah!

Itch. Look, if you're really nervous...

...don't think of it as a slap,
think of it as a high-five.

For your stupid face.

So anyway, I'm in the noodle house.

I'll admit, I didn't expect Red Bird,
master of speed, to be a girl.

- You sure you really know how to...?
- What is the sound of one hand slapping?

I'm sorry, I don't understa...

Wait, how did you...?

Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...

You know, that tip isn't a full 20 percent...

Train me, Red Bird.

- Teach me speed.
- No.

I retired long ago.

- Retired? You're like 32.
- I am 86 years old.

But slapping is now a part of my past.

Darn, I really wanted to slap
Barney Stinson.

This is to slap Barney Stinson?
Yeah, okay, I'll totally teach you.

And so began my training.

Slap this tree.

- Slap the tree?
- Lf you can.

I mean...

...seems pretty easy.

Oof!

What the?

Oof!

The fabled Slapping Tree
of Gongqing Forest.

Beg your pardon, the fabled
Slapping Tree of Gongqing Forest?

- Sure.
- Really? Fabled?

- Because I've never heard of it.
- Pretty sure everybody's heard of it. Guys?

- I backpacked there in college.
- See? Fabled.

It even inspired
a popular Chinese children's book.

It's a poignant parable whose message is
if you love someone, set them free.

But not before first slapping them
right in their stupid face.

As my training continued...

... I also learned the delicate art
of Chinese painting.

That looks nothing like this bowl of fruit.

- My training went on for a year.
- A year?

- A year.
- One year?

None of us noticed
you were stuck in Shanghai for a year?

I wasn't being held slaptive,
I chose to stay and complete my training.

I'm not even gonna... Just, whatever.

You have shown great slaptitude,
young one.

You are ready for your final test.

Slap me.

- What?
- Slap me now.

- No, Red Bird, I can't.
- Slap me. That is not a request.

- I won't.
- The Vikings will never win the Super B...

Wait, how did you...?

Lucky shot, I wasn't re...

That's a big tip.
You must have much gold...

You are ready for your final step.

Awesome. Oh, man, I can't wait to slap
Barney Stinson right across his stupid fa...

What? What did I say?

You must not slap anyone
until your training is complete.

The consequences could be dire.

First you must meet White Flower, the
second master, who will teach you strength.

She lives atop a mountain.

- Which mountain?
- No.

Not Witch Mountain.

Slap Mountain.

- Hate to cut in again, but Slap Mountain?
- That's right.

You're claiming there's a mountain in China
in the exact shape of a hand?

- Everyone knows that. Right?
- Totally.

I backpacked there in college.

It's the largest
of the Slappalachian Mountains.

And at the top...

Excuse me. Do you know where
I can find White Flower?

How dare you speak that name?

That is the most feared name
in 40 villages.

Really? White Flower?

- I'm sorry, just it's not exactly Voldemort.
- Bro.

Why don't you just say Candyman
three times and be done with it? Jeez.

Awesome. Can you teach me
how to do that?

No, I retired from teaching long ago.

- Retired? You're like 32.
- I am 106 years old.

What is in these noodles?

I'm sorry, but my slapping days are over.

Darn, I really wanted this next
Barney Stinson slap to be special.

This is to slap Barney Stinson?
Yeah, okay, I'll totally teach you.

The true power of any slap
comes from the anger behind it.

So for a truly devastating slap,
you must harvest the anger of many.

Every time someone who hates Barney
slaps you in the face...

...the power of their anger
goes from your face into your hand.

White Flower and I made love
that night in the forest.

No, sorry, flag on the play.
You banged White Flower?

I made love to White Flower.

And then I banged her.

- In the forest?
- In Gongqing Forest, yes.

Actually, right near the Slapping Tree.

Which may or may not
have come into play.

Oh, my God, you had a tree-way?

And, Lily, you were okay with
Marshall having an affair?

What happens in the magical
Gongqing Forest...

...stays in the magical Gongqing Forest.
- Best wife ever.

Like I was saying, you need to harvest
the anger of others into your own slap.

Now dig deep. Can you think of anyone,
anyone at all, who hates Barney Stinson?

I know, I almost couldn't get through it
with a straight face.

There are just so many people
who hate Barney's guts.

Moving on.

Ah! Ah.

Point is you need to go get slapped
in the face...

...by a bunch of gullible chicks
Barney banged.

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ooh!

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ugh.

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Oh! Unh.

I'm sorry, I thought you said
you were a friend of Barney Stinson.

- I did.
- Oh.

Oh! Unh! Wow.

Could you also slap me in the face?

God, you're just as perverted as Barney.

Oh!

And after a while...

Look at this thing. It's all hot and glowy.

I'll never have cold pizza again.

I'll never have cold pizza again.

Silence.

Sorry. I've just got a slappetite
for destruction. Thanks for everything.

I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson
in his stupid face.

Wait, first you must go learn accuracy
from the one who is called The Calligrapher...

...in the far-off, mystical land
of Cleveland.

- Cleveland?
- Cleveland.

Why Cleveland?

It's the city equivalent
of being slapped in the face.

Bro.

Man, is this place a chain or something?

- One for dinner?
- No.

I am here to meet her.

Bro.

- Can you teach me accuracy?
- I can.

The proper question is, will I?

Grammar is the first step
on the thousand-mile journey to accuracy.

I'm assuming there's no
Mrs. The Calligrapher.

The path I've chosen is Ionesome.

But it's no big deal.
I prefer being alone. I really do.

Unless you know any single ladies
you could set me up with...

- Nope.
- Good, because I prefer being alone.

Also, I'm sorry,
but I retired from teaching long ago.

Retired? You're like 35.

I'm 34.

- Oh, sorry.
- I use moisturizer every night.

- I thought my skin still looked vibrant.
- It does, it does.

Look, I'm really just here
to finish my training.

Um, so look, the truth is...

...I have a divorced cousin
just outside of Akron.

Now, I wouldn't call Janice
easy on the eyes...

...or the springs of a bathroom scale...

...but if you want I could set you up.

Sold. Now, the most important lesson
in learning accuracy...

He was dying right before my eyes.

So I did the only thing
that I could think to do.

Please.

I slapped his back.

And that's when I found out why "no
slapping until your training is complete"...

...is the most important rule,
because my slap...

...was too powerful.

I hadn't learned accuracy
and so I couldn't control it.

And, well...

No!

Stop it. Just stop.

You did not slap the heart
out of a man's body.

If only that were true.

You're saying
that you committed a murder?

- I was trying to save him.
- Shh!

Baby, it's okay, you didn't mean to.
He doesn't sleep.

- You gotta move on.
- You're making this whole story up.

I wish that I were.

Because of the tragedy, I never got to finish
my training. I never learned accuracy.

Because of that, I shall remain forever...

...a mere slapprentice.

What does that mean, baby?

Here's what it meant.

Whoa!

- Huh? Ah!
- Damn it.

Please, somebody, help me!

There's a crazy guy
trying to slap me and he's...

Oh, my God.

Four women and a willow tree.

At least there's no tiger.

Oh, my God.

Is that...

...half a tiger?

You got here early.

- It's time.
- But you never completed your training.

Actually...

Listen to me, I must speak fast. Once you've
had your heart slapped out of your body...

...you've only got 10, 15 minutes to live.
- Sure.

The trick to accuracy is to,
like, try to be really accurate, okay?

Don't just slap, like, really try to aim.

Look where you're slapping.
That's important.

And then try to slap that spot
instead of some other spot.

Well, I guess that's pretty much it.
You can slap people now. Unh!

- He's gone.
- One other thing.

Cleveland has a lot to offer.

Be sure to check out
the James A. Garfield monument.

He was only president for four months
before he was assassinated.

But if you get up to the top,
you can see almost 30 miles...

...as long as the steel factory's
not smelting. Ugh!

Agh!

He's gone.

No, like I said, 10, 15 minutes.

- Oh, God, this is awkward.
- Yeah.

Like when you say goodbye
to someone...

...then you realize you're both headed
in the same direction.

It's like, "What, do we say goodbye
again or...?" Unh.

Agh!

He's gone.

Wait, are you just pretending
so it'll be less awkward?

Should I just, like, go or?

Okay.

My training is complete.

I'm ready.

I'm ready too.

- I love you.
- Enough to take this slap for me?

No.

Oof!

Whoa!

- Good one, you got me that time.
- Hey, only one slap left.

- Crazy. Where did the time go.
- I know, it's like, slow down, life.

Hey, was that a fake jukebox?

- Yeah, fake jukebox.
- Nice, nice.

- Oh, man.
- All right.

- You okay? Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Boyz II Men.

What is this feeling

That's put you in your place?

A hot red burning
On the side of your face

You feel the blood rush to your cheek

Tears start to fill your eyes

Your lips are trembling but you can't speak

You're trying, oh you're trying
Not to cry

- You just got slapped, oh
- Slapped

Across the face, my friend

- You just got slapped, oh, yes
- Just got slapped

- It really just happened
- Oh, yes, it did

Oh, everybody saw it, ha

And everybody laughed and clapped

Everybody saw it, ow

And everybody laughed and clapped

- 'Cause it was awesome
- So awesome

Oh, oh

The way that you just got slapped

Oh, yeah

- Mm.
- Heh.

One more.