How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 5 - Shelter Island - full transcript

Hey.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

I'm just gonna finish this.

We just had dinner with
Stella's sister and her fiancé.

They're getting married before us.

Okay, you know how you've dreamt
about your perfect wedding day

ever since you were a little girl?

- Yeah.
- Totally.

My sister is stealing
my dream wedding.

Down to every last detail...
on Shelter Island, at Sunset,

...just down the beach from my family's
old summer house.

It's my dream wedding.

I'm gonna finish this.

The lamb here
is supposed to be great.

I'm a vegan.

I wish I could tune out that
moral voice inside me that says

eating animals is murder,

but I guess I'm just not as
strong as you are.

That's 'cause you need protein.

I'll have the lamb.

Okay, new goal:

I want our wedding

to kick her wedding's ass.

I want our wedding

to take her wedding's head
and shove it in the toilet

and flush it, like, 20 times.

Ted, in high school, you were
her wedding, weren't you?

You know, she's always
trying to one-up me.

I mean, I love her, but...

there's a little part of me

that kinda wishes this whole
thing would just fall apart.

I hate him. I hate him.
I hate him!

God, this steak is so good!

Four days to go
and he just runs off

with the vitamin consultant
from Whole Foods?

I gave up makeup for him.

I gave up showering for him.

I gave up shaving my armpits for him.

Hard to imagine
where it all went wrong.

And now it's so close to the wedding.
There's like...

bacon or something in this
dipping sauce. I love it.

I can't get any refunds.
I'm gonna be out thousands of dollars.

Kids, when you're in a relationship,

you develop a kind of telepathy
with your partner.

What do you think?

We could help her out.

No, Stella,

we should help her out.

Let's pay for dinner.

Nora.

Don't worry.

We got this.

That's right.

We'll take over your wedding,

pay you back for
everything you spent.

Ted and I will get
married this Sunday.

Sync by vNaru

We're getting married this Sunday?

Are we sure we're ready for this?

Ted, I wasted years
trying to get Lucy's dad

to decide he was "ready" for this,

but he never got ready for this.
That's why we never got married.

Come on, let's just be spontaneous.

I used to dream that Tony
would be spontaneous like this.

Okay, I'm in.

And I'm also...

spontaneous.

I wish I hadn't done that.

Kids, morals usually come
at the end of stories,

but this one is so important,
I'm gonna tell you now:

Don't ever, ever,
invite an ex to your wedding.

If someone had given me that advice,

well, it would have changed everything.

Come on, you've got to come,
it's my wedding.

I can't. I'm in Tokyo.

It's my first week on the job.
I can't just take off.

Plus, I'm finally doing serious news.

Robin was doing serious news.

It was the number one
English news network in Japan.

Of course, the news
was a little different over there.

Giant Fan!

The Federal Reserve Board
voted to leave interest...

rates unchanged.

It's my wedding.
You have to be there.

Okay. I'll be there.

I gotta go.

Good evening.

And I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

Peace talks were stalled
once again in the Middle East.

Despite a promising start
in the latest negotiations,

talks foundered on security issues.

- She's in.
- Yes!

All right, Ted,
your bachelor party, tonight.

I have got three of the most
physically and morally flexible

exotic dancers
you've ever seen...

Can't, there's no time.

Okay, I'll let you know
how it goes.

Marshall, we should really rent
the cars for tomorrow?

Sure.

What?

No "Don't get married, Ted"?

No "You're making a big mistake, Ted"?

Barney Stinson...

are you no longer committed
to the war on marriage?

No, I just know a hopeless
cause when I see it.

It's the same reason
I don't recycle.

Plus, Ted getting married
is in my best interest.

You see...

Lately I've been working on a problem
of the utmost importance.

I confess I was stumped.

Until one night I decided
to tackle it once and for all.

HOW CAN I HAVE SEX
WITH ROBIN AGAIN?

VULNERABLE

NOSTALGIC

BOOZE

Then, at last...

I cracked the code.

GET HER DRUNK
AT TED'S WEDDING

- So you're back on Robin.
- Hopefully.

I mean, this weekend

is the best chance ever
to hook up with her again.

You'll never pull it off.

There's too many distractions.

The first drunk
bridesmaid you see,

you'll have your head under her dress
like an old-time photographer.

Lily, don't cheapen this.

I don't want to sound all...

mushy-gushy and romantic,

but this weekend,
Robin is the only woman I'm banging.

And so, the day
before our wedding,

Stella and I made the trip up
to Shelter Island.

With everyone else
not far behind.

- Zitch dog.
- Z-Z-Z... Zog...

This isn't exactly where I pictured
Ted getting married.

"The Namaste Yoga and Meditation
Collective."

I don't know about you guys,

but Nama-stay here
any longer than I have to.

Sweetie, go check
in with that dirty hippie

over there and
we'll get some drinks.

So, what scotches you got?

Here at the center, we have
a very strict no-alcohol policy.

Great, and all the meals
are included, right?

And they're all 100% vegan.

I need alcohol.

I'm not gonna get Robin
with this stuff.

Look at this.

Berry Blaster Brain Revitalizer.

My God, some of these drinks
could actually make a girl smarter.

What sort of hell
has Ted brought us to?

- There's no meat.
- There's no alcohol.

It gets worse:

I'm 90% sure that guy
you were talking with used

to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

Hey, guys,

Stella and I have a little problem.

The programs look great.

I mean, it's not our names
on the front, but otherwise,

really nice.

Hey, I talked to Robin.

She's running a little bit late,

but she'll be here
just under the wire.

You invited Robin?

Yeah, of course.

You never told me that.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Can I help?

You feel glad.

You like Robin.

Yeah, but,
she's your ex-girlfriend.

- It's weird.
- It's not weird.

It is weird.

You don't get what's like for a bride

to see her groom's ex at their wedding.

Stella.

Your new husband used to nail me, like,

three times a day.

Having exes around,

I don't know, it brings up...

unresolved things.

How do you know that spark
won't come back

with your ex sitting out there?

Come on, we're just friends.

Plus, Robin and I already had
our backslide...

last Thanksgiving,
not even that long ago.

Did you place a large bet
against yourself in this argument?

She already got her ticket.

Ted, it's important to me.

I would never invite Lucy's dad.

I wouldn't care if you did.
Tony's great. Let's invite him, too.

No, Tony is the last person
I want at our wedding, okay?

And Robin is a close second.

Robin's probably about to get
on the plane.

Plus, she left a really
important job for this.

Spurred by environmental concerns
and high gasoline prices,

sales of hybrid vehicles have risen
11% over the previous year.

What should I do?

I don't know.

I kinda get the no exes thing.

Why ask a filed romance to come
and watch your successful one?

It's like inviting the Seattle Mariners
to a World Series game.

It's weird for everyone.

What? No.
Robin has to come.

Right, she's like, my best friend.

Female friend.
My best female friend.

Hey! Whoa! I don't care, why fake it.

Dude, Robin has to be here.

She shouldn't come.

- What are you talk...
- Justice Aldrin,

tie-breaking vote.

Okay, wouldn't feel right
without Robin.

But you don't mess with the bride.

I'm gonna tell her not to come.

- No, Ted.
- It's the right decision, Ted.

This is gonna be, like, the worst

phone conversation of all time.

Ted, Ted, Ted.

Co-best man...
I'm on it.

Hello?

Robin, where are you?

Just heading to the airport.

Okay, well, see you soon.
Have a great flight.

Bad news.
I couldn't reach her.

Robin's already in on her way.

Okay, Robin's on her way.

You know what, I'm glad.

Exes should be allowed
to come to weddings.

I'll just tell Stella
she's got to deal with it.

I think you need to be more delicate

with Stella about
this whole Robin thing.

What do you mean by delicate?

Brides are under a lot of stress
before a wedding.

I mean, of course,
I held it together pretty well.

You don't remember?

The florist just told me

the roses are more light medium-pink
than medium-pink.

Light medium-pink!

Everything's ruined.

Our wedding site uses a gravity furnace

instead of forced-air heating.

That's the one thing I cared about.

Why are we even getting married?

Blobbity-blah. Wickity-wah.
Eeky, eeky, eeky, eeky whee!

After a while, it's all noise.

Poor Stella's had to jam

months of crazy into just three days.

So what do I do?

You wait for the next crisis,

you solve it, you're a hero.

Then you bring up the Robin thing,

but this time, she'll say yes.

Yeah, but what if there's
no next crisis?

She's a bride.
There will be a next crisis.

Like four minutes later

- There's an next crisis.
- Awesome! What is it?

My daughter, my own daughter
isn't coming to our wedding.

What?

Tony's supposed to drive
her up tomorrow,

but now he's being all petty
about me getting married,

and he won't do it.

It's been five years.

Why can't we just move on already?

So first thing tomorrow
I drive down,

talk to him,
get him to let me drive Lucy up,

than, boom, crisis solved.

Stella's happy.
Robin comes to the wedding.

Hey.

You Barney?

Yes.

I hear you're a real man whore,
so listen up.

Tomorrow night I want to do things
so dirty and so depraved

that I forget that this
was supposed to be my wedding.

I... I'm kind of here with someone.

Bring her.

You're never going to make it.

So, the morning of my wedding day
I made the trip back

to Tony's house

to get Lucy.

- Hey...
- Tony...

Doing a little karate?

Sorry, sorry, man.
You just...

set off my internal defense alarm.

You got to watch these things.
Stay alert, stay alive.

- Right.
- So what brings you here?

I thought you'd be off
in some honeymoon suite

with my woman right now.

Not yet. Soon.

That's right, tonight's the night.

Yeah! Oh, man, you are going to be
sticking it

to the mother of my child.

Actually, I' already
stuck it to her plenty of times.

Why do I always have to correct people?

You and Stella.

You lucky dog.
I could just...

I'm so happy for you guys.

Yeah... listen, here's the thing...

- Lucy...
- You can't take her.

Tony, stop. Look...

this is a big day for Lucy, too.

You're going to have to put
aside your own issues

and think about
what's best for her here.

Whether you like it or not,

she really should be
at her mother's wedding. So,

I'm taking Lucy with me.

You're right, man.

You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's just...

seeing you guys...

has made me realize everything I had.

Hey, hey... let's stop hugging.

I'm sorry.

Lucy means the world to me.

And I feel like I'm losing her
to this new family...

a family I'm not even a part of.

Come on, sure you are.

No, I'm not. I wasn't even invited
to the wedding.

Well, you are now.

Road trip.

Right?

Road Trip 2...
Back in the Car.

So, today's the day.

You hydrating?

Dear femal, thank you for your interest
in Barney Stinson...

Your back is going to look like
a Jackson Pollock.

I regret to inform you
that at this time...

I was a vegan for two years.

I need meat.

There are
currently no positions available.

I'm a yoga instructor.

Every position is available.

Your room, 20 minutes.

No foreplay.

I'm not going to make it, am I?

Not a chance.

Okay, just remember,

Let me talk to Stella first, okay?

Mommy! Mommy!

Ted invited daddy!

Hi, sweetie. I missed you.

Give me just a sec, okay?

- Hey.
- Hey, Tony.

- Hey.
- You invited Tony?

To our wedding?!

Ted, we talked about this.
No exes at our wedding.

Why would you do this?

Oh boy! What did Ted do this time?

Ted, what is Robin doing here?

I thought I made myself clear.

No exes at our wedding.

To be fair...

your ex is here.

You invited him!

- Come on, it's not weird.
- It is weird.

It's like things are not
finished between you two.

And Tony...

I can't talk with Tony right now.

Can you please go out there
and tell him to leave?

You can make me the bad guy.

I'll go talk to Robin, so she
knows it's nothing personal.

And kids, if I had just let
Stella talk to Robin,

this whole story
might have ended differently.

I understand.

I get it.

For the first time,
Ted and Stella Mosby.

And that's how I met your mother.

Is your dad finally done yakking?

Now, come on,
who wants ice cream?

But I didn't.

Look, can you talk to Tony?

Robin flew all the way here
from Tokyo.

I should talk to her.

Sure.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Sorry about running off like that.
- Oh, it's okay.

You would not believe
the trip I just had.

I was on a plane
for almost a full day.

But it is worth it
to see you get married.

How could I not be here...?

- You can't come to the wedding.
- Oh, thank God!

- What?
- Ted, it's weird.

- It's not weird.
- It is weird.

Do you know how it feels
to be somebody's ex at their wedding?

- Robin.
- Stella.

Suck it, bitch!
I win!

We broke up over a year ago.

Yeah, but that's not that long ago.

Watching your marry

another woman isn't exactly
something I was looking forward to.

I don't know, I

I just thought if I ever
changed my mind about

marriage and kids, it was...

it was nice to know
that you were there.

So, I was your safety school...

- how flattering.
- Not that...

That's not it. It's just that...

Why are you bringing any of this up?

There's nothing between us anymore.

Well, maybe there is.

I mean, of course there is.
That kind of stuff just...

doesn't disappear without a trace.

Look, I'm not just
another guest here, Ted.

Right.

We used to date, but

we both moved on.
And... look,

we got what we wanted...
I'm getting married,

you got your dream job in Tokyo.

- And they all lived happily ever...
- I quit my job.

- You what?
- I'm moving back to New York.

I thought I wanted that job, but...

I want to come back to my real life.

And I think you should go back
to yours.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't get married.

Look, you're rushing into this.

It's like you're trying

to skip ahead to the end of the book.

Ted, you're the most romantic guy
I know. You...

You stole a blue French horn for me.

You tried to make it rain.

- I did make it rain.
- It was a coincidence.

But after all that,
this is how your great

romantic quest comes to an end?

You're just disappearing
into someone else's wedding,

someone else's

house, someone else's life
without a second thought.

That's not the amazing ending
that you deserve.

That's not Ted Mosby.

I love Stella.

She's the one.

If you really feel that way...

I guess it's a good thing you're not
coming to the wedding after all.

- Big fight?
- Yeah.

Here...

It's on the house.

Just keep 'em coming.

Oh God, do not keep them coming.

Hey, Robin.

Barney.

I am having a horrible day.

I snuck some scotch in from
the duty free store.

You want to join me?

Yeah, yeah.
Let's go to your room.

Far away from this room.
And we can knock it back.

They didn't get me a room.

I was actually hoping
I could stay with you.

No problem.

I just have to
straighten up little bit.

I've got some clothes
on the floor, and...

And a naked girl
tied to your headboard.

Towels all over the bathroom.
It's a mess.

So, anyway...
give me ten minutes

- to get the place in order...
- See ya, Barney.

Okay, let's do this.

Who the hell is that?

It's the girl from the front desk.

Kids, sometimes you think
you're living out one story,

but the truth turns out
to be something else entirely.

At the time I thought the story

was about whether Robin
should be at the wedding.

If only I'd understood
what the real story was.

Having exes around...

I don't know, brings up...

unresolved things.

How do you know that that spark
won't come back

with your ex sitting out there?

It's like things
are not finished between you two.

I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad

to decide if he was ready for this.

Seeing you guys...

it's made me alize everything I had.

I used to dream that Tony would be
spontaneous like this.

Seriously, kids,

never invite an ex

to your wedding.