How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 4, Episode 23 - As Fast as She Can - full transcript

Kids, Stella Zinman was the girl

I thought I'd spend
the rest of my life with.

Until she left me at the altar,
smashing my heart to smithereens.

So when I ran into her
seven months later,

there was only one way
to deal with her.

- Great to see you!
- You, too.

And Tony!

What a nice surprise.

"What a nice surprise"?

No, a nice surprise would be

if a safe fell from 40 stories
and smushed them both.

You didn't let them have it?

No, we had a nice friendly chat, then,
they went their way and I went mine.

You blew it.
He blew it, right?

- Well played, sir.
- Bravo.

- What?
- You see,

Ted played it cool, which is exactly
what he should have done.

As a matter of fact,
I'd say on a scale ranging from...

And I kept this sweater of yours...

and sometimes
I just sit in the bathtub

for hours just,
you know, just sniffing it.

... all the way to...

This is my new fiancée.

She's basically Stella,

except she's French
and, as you can see,

she's got enormous cans.

Enchantée.

Enchanté.

I'd say you nailed it.

I'll do you one better.

You, sir, got Stella thinking.

"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today.
Did I choose the wrong guy?"

Give it a week, you'll get her back.

And her front.

Did you just feel that?
I think we just had a "what up" quake.

I don't want her back.

Or her front.
I just want to move on.

And this was an important step
towards that.

To moving on.

And you know, I really meant it.

But still, that night,
my mind began to wander.

I made a terrible mistake.

I know.
I'm a better person than you are.

You totally are.

Let's get back together,
and have way more sex.

Deal!

Hello, Ted.

Sync by vNaru

No, come in. It's not weird at all.

I knew it was wrong
to steal somebody's fiancée.

I mean, I grappled with it.
I was up nights.

And not for the good reason.

Well, sometimes for the good reason.

I mean, Stella and I hadn't
seen each other in five years,

so, as you can imagine, the beginning,
it was just fast and furious.

Lamps breaking, furniture moving.
You see this bald patch?

Anyway, we moved on.

Me, Lucy, Stella,
we were gonna move to L.A.

I was gonna become a screenwriter.

Then we bumped into you,
and you just looked so...

sad.

Sad? No.

I think what you're calling sad
was actually

a jovial nonchalance.

You looked awful, okay?

Like a little dachshund puppy

with a bad back that's got
to pull itself around on a cart.

Why are you here?

I know I can
come across pretty tough,

but I can't bear to have hurt someone
the way I hurt you.

I think fate put me on that corner
to make this right.

Obviously, I can't fill that giant
crater that Stella left in your heart.

- I've been dating. Like, a lot.
- And then I heard you got fired.

I transitioned into small business
ownership.

T's the backbone of the economy.

No, it's not.

Ted, my family's got a lot of money.

And I want to use that money
to make this right with you.

Tony is rich?

Ted, tell me he wrote you a check.

Tell me he wrote you

a big, fat check.

A check so big it doesn't take
its shirt off when it goes swimming.

That is a big, fat check.

A check so big, if you had sex with it,
you wouldn't tell your buddies.

That is a big, fat check.

A check so big that
when you sit next to it on an airplane,

you find yourself wondering whether
the check should have bought 2 seats.

- That...
- Is a big, fat check!

Yeah! He didn't write me a check.

- Ted, I want to offer you a job.
- A job?

Every year, my family gives
a lot of money to Columbia University,

so I got some pull.

How would you like to design...

My heart leapt into my throat.

A new library?
A new student center?

... your very own curriculum
as a professor of architecture.

No, thanks.

What do you mean,

"No, thanks"?

You would be a great professor, OK?

You are knowledgeable,

you're a good talker,

and when you need to,

you can grow
a very handsome neck beard.

I'm not gonna be a professor.

Teaching is what you do
when your career

has totally bottomed out
and you need to pay the bills.

Small business owner.
Backbone of the economy.

I'm not gonna take that job, all right?
I'm gonna be just fine.

- New topic.
- Okay, new topic.

I just got a $200
speeding ticket today.

That sucks, dude.
You couldn't talk your way out of it?

You can't.

I've done it.
It was... what was it?

It was 1998.

So where's the fire?

There's no fire.

Actually, you know, there is a fire
at this barbecue I'm headed to.

Nothing special.
Burgers, ribs... brats.

Son, do you have any idea
how dangerous it is to be...

- Did you say brats?
- Yeah, brats.

My mom marinates them
in Belgian beer for two days. No big.

Funny thing was, I could've sworn
that one of those thick,

succulent, hickory-smoked brats
had some writing on it.

Weird. What were you saying?

What did it say? The brat?

It said
"Property of Minnesota State Trooper

"Jorgensen."

You a brat man,

Officer Jorgensen?

You going to this address?

Follow me and lean on the horn.
We're gonna be running some reds.

Well, duh.

I would've done that, too,
if I'd have been going to a barbecue.

Damn, I was.

See, it's all about
sizing up your opponent.

I could tell that the officer
was a brat man because,

well, he was out of breath
just from walking to my car and...

he had mustard on his holster.

Manipulating an officer of the law
with your sausage.

That is very hot.

You think I can't talk my way
out of a ticket?

You think I can't talk my way
out of a ticket?

I am Barney Stinson,
master of manipulation.

If I can talk a stripper
into paying me for a lap dance,

I think I can talk my way
out of a ticket.

Challenge accept...
wait for it.

I don't get it.

"Accep-Ted."

I get it now.

- What now?
- You want to be an architect?

Great. Guy I went to private school
with wants a new house built.

- Job's yours if you want it.
- Tony, look, I don't need your help.

Here's what he's offering you.

That is a big, fat check.

Showtime.

- License and registration.
- Of course, Officer. Right away.

Sir, this is a gift certificate
for a custom-tailored Italian suit.

So, we done here?

375 dollars!

And he kept the gift certificates.

I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him
to short-sheet him on the crotch.

You are bad at this, dude.

Whatever, Robin.

Like you've ever talked
your way out of a ticket.

Are you kidding me?
Robin's a pretty girl.

Pretty girls don't get tickets.

I bet she's been pulled over tons
of times, never once gotten one.

That is outrageous!

And factual.

License and re...

Honey.

Don't cry.

It's okay. No ticket for you.

Go a little slower next time, okay?

Thank you.

Excuse me.
I think I left something in New Jersey.

How did your lunch go
with the rich guy?

Well, it started off great.

I want to design a house

that celebrates the landscape
without overpowering it.

You know, when Frank Lloyd Wright
designed Fallingwater in 1935...

Yes, that's all fine.
I'm sure you'll do a great job.

What I'm really worried about
is the basement.

- Specifically the laundry room.
- The laundry room?

I require a laundry room
of 15 feet by 15 feet,

stain-proof ceramic tile
from floor to ceiling.

I'm a man who likes to do
his own laundry, and sometimes,

it gets messy.

- Messy?
- Messy.

Steel chains will dangle from
the ceiling at a height of nine feet.

And that is
where my laundry bags will hang

for three days
and three nights before I...

clean them.

Ted, it kind of sounds like
what this guy is asking you to design...

- It's a murder house.
- It is. It's totally a murder house.

You know, as a martial artist,
I'm trained to trust my instincts,

and my instincts are saying this...

feels very good.

The steak is so rare.

Right?

One final concern:

Soundproofing.

I tend to make a lot of racket
when I launder.

I'll show you what I mean.

I'm gonna go to my laundry room,

and you tell me if you can hear me.

Does something feel off
about this guy?

Off the hook!

Bro, you are nailing this.

- You can't design a murder house!
- I'm not gonna design a murder house.

- You can't design a murder house!
- I'm not!

Bring it.

Officer, please,
my wife is about to have a baby!

- Her water just broke!
- Where's your wife?

She took the other car.

This is Italian leather, so...

I... Oh, come...

I'm sorry
about that murder house thing.

That was my bad.
That's on me.

New plan.

You, my friend, are gonna build

the Statue of Liberty

a husband.

Now, I got some suction down
at City Hall.

Stop it!

I don't want your help, okay?
You don't have to do this.

- Yes, I do.
- Why?

Because...

when you were with Stella,
I know how much I missed her.

I can only imagine you feel
the same way.

Let me put your mind at ease.

I don't want Stella back, okay?

She lied to me
and left me at the altar.

What kind of person does that?

I'm better off without her.

She's all yours, buddy.

There you go.

Load off my mind.

And that was it. Tony left,

and I began to put this whole
business far behind me.

Or so I thought.

Tony broke up with me.

Tony broke up with you?

He said it was
because of something you said.

You got Tony to dump Stella?

I am very sorry,
but I'm going to have to insist

that you bump this.

Let's talk out in the hall.

It'll be waiting.

So, why are you here?

Look, Ted, this is about
seven months too late,

but here goes.

I've been in love with Tony
since high school.

We dated for a long time,
but then...

I got pregnant,
and I guess for two 19-year-olds

it was just too much to handle,
so we broke up.

And for a long time I just
focused on being a mother.

I forgot about Tony.
I forgot about...

the very idea of being in love.

And then you came along
and reminded me.

And I loved you for that.

I loved you so much, in fact,
that it was just...

shy of enough.

But I never stopped loving Tony.

Take him back, honey.
He's sorry.

No, that's not...
that's not what's happening.

Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen.

- It was good seeing you, Stella.
- Can you talk to Tony?

What?

He'd listen to you.

You changed his mind.
You could change it back.

I know it's an awful thing to ask...

Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask.

I don't know what else to do, okay?

I love him.

You love him.

So what, you're-you're appealing
to the romantic in me?

Is that your strategy?

Because that guy's gone.

You can't pull
those strings anymore.

They're not attached
to anything thanks to you.

Go ahead, honey, kiss him!

- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!

Okay, you can do this.
You can do this!

Oh, you can do this.

- License and regis...
- License and registration.

Excuse me?

I can only assume you need a license
to have a face that beautiful.

And that body?

I'm guessing something that
explosive has to be registered

with the proper authorities.

Get out of the car.

Why, am I under arrest?

But you're about to be under me.

No. False.
Did not happen.

That's a line from a porno.
I've seen that porno.

Hell, I've made that porno.

When will you realize
that the only difference

between my real life and a porno
is my real life has better lighting?

You're lying.

I am not lying!

I swear on my mother.

I swear on Goliath National Bank.

I swear on my suits.

I...

am...

not...

lying.

He was lying.
Here's what really happened.

Go ahead, honey, kiss him.

- Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
- Mrs. Matsen, go inside!

Is there anything I can do
to make this better?

It's me! It's Barney. It's me!
I need your help! I'm in big trouble!

Slow down. What happened?

I'm guessing something
that explosive hasto be registered

with the proper authorities.

- Get out of the car.
- Why, am I under arrest?

Yes, you are. I ran your plates.
You've had 15 moving violations

in the last three days.
Get out of the car.

But no, my wife's having a baby!

- I have a sausage with your name on it!
- Out of the car now!

I need you to come
to Brazzaville, New Jersey

and bail me out.

I'm in the middle of something.

Hurry, Ted. You have no idea

of the kind of the hardened criminals
they've got me in here with.

Are we gonna get
our spray paint back?

Save me, Ted!

You want to do something for me?
I need a ride to New Jersey.

You'll pay for tolls, right?

I'm kidding.

So Stella and I drove
all the way out to New Jersey,

bailed your Uncle Barney out of jail

and drove all the way home.

By the way, how's
that girl you've been seeing?

That super hot French chick
with the big enormous boobs?

Oh, you mean Claudette?

She's... fine.

Man, she's the hottest girl
you have ever been with, Ted.

Ever!

I'm so sorry again about everything.

- For what it's worth...
- I'll talk to Tony.

Really?

I want you to be happy, Stella.

I'll talk to him.

And I did.

I don't remember what I said to him,
but I guess I changed his mind

because the next day,

they flew to California.

Stella set up
a new dermatology practice.

And against all odds, Tony found
some success as a screenwriter.

His movie, The Wedding Bride,
was a big hit.

But we'll get to that later.

But just tell me this.

Why Tony?

I mean, is it the money,
the kung fu pajamas?

Like, what...
what is it?

He's the one.

The one.

Yeah, I know it's kinda sappy,
but, yeah.

I'm gonna say something
out loud that I've been doing

a pretty good job of not
saying out loud lately.

What you and Tony have...

What I thought for a second
you and I had...

What I know that Marshall
and Lily have...

I want that.

I do.

I keep waiting for it to happen
and waiting for it to happen,

and...

I guess I'm just...

I'm tired of waiting.

And that is all I'm going
to say on that subject.

I once talked my way
out of a speeding ticket?

Really?

I was heading upstate
to my parents' house

doing, like, 90 on this country road,
and I got pulled over.

So this cop gets out of his car.

He kind of swaggers on over
and he's, like,

"Young lady,
I have been waiting for you all day."

So I looked up at him and I said,

"I'm so sorry, Officer.
I got here as fast as I could."

For real?

It's an old joke.

I know that you're tired of waiting,

and you may have to wait
a little while more,

but she's on her way, Ted.

And she's getting here
as fast as she can.

She tracked me down two days
later using a phone book.

And that's the last time I wrote
my name in my undergarments.

You're back!

When you told me
that peanut butter and jam joke,

I was completely disgusted.

But I was in the shower this morning
and it popped into my head

and it actually made me laugh.

Peanut butter.

So I can see now
how I may have overreacted.

Marshall's words, not mine.

It's good to see you again, Lily.

Thanks.

- So what have you been up to?
- I'm going to an amnesia ward

with a bunch of photos
of my children and a wedding ring.

I'm gonna find the hottest
patient/my wife, and we are going...

Okay, so that's good
enough for tonight.

I gotta ease back into this.