How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 3, Episode 20 - Miracles - full transcript

Narrator: Kids, this is
the story of the cab ride

That changed my life.

I know it sounds crazy,
but for all I know

My life would be very different
if I had taken, say...

That cab.

Or that cab.

God knows
what would have happened

If I had gotten into that cab.

I took this cab.

And it changed my whole life.

But first, we need
to back up a little.

Hey.

Is there any beer in the fridge?

It's 10:00 in
the morning.

Grab me one.

So,

Something bad just happened.

Stella and I were out
having breakfast.

So, my sister broke up
with her boyfriend.

Well, I can finally say it.

I hated that guy!

Everything out of his mouth is,

"I'm a vegan.

"Fish feel pain.

I'm never constipated."

The guy's an idiot.

Actually, she's marrying him.

I just wanted
your honest opinion.

He's actually a really nice guy.

I think there's a wisdom to...

Anyway, they picked
a date, so, uh,

You want to come with me,

So that we can laugh
our asses off

As we watch him walk
barefoot down the aisle

In a hemp tuxedo?

Yeah, sure. When is it?

Uh, first weekend in November.

Is that

The something bad?

That she invited you
to a wedding?

Six months from now.

As in we'll be together
six months from now.

Do you guys remember

Barney's whole thing
about making plans

In a relationship?

Fourth row.

Ted, no.

You're violating
the date-time continuum.

You never make

Plans with a girl further
in the future

Than the amount of time
you've been going out.

You've been dating this girl
for, what, two weeks?

No, you're not taking her to a
springsteen concert in January.

By that time you won't even
remember this robin girl's name.

Ugh, man, I love springsteen!

He's like the american
bryan adams.

Well...

But

Barney had a point.

As soon as she started talking
about the wedding,

It freaked me out.

Oh, that sounds
like so much fun.

Mmm. So I get to
look forward to it

For six months.

Which is twice as long
as we've been dating.

Uh-oh.

I'm sure
your daughter lucy'll come

So it'll be like a...
A family trip.

Our first trip
as our funny little family.

So that... That'll
be super-exciting.

Oh, boy.

Man, they crank up the heat
in these places.

What's going on, ted?

We need to talk.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

"We need to talk"?

There's only two situations
where you say that to someone

And unless you're pregnant,

It sounds like you
broke up with her.

Yeah, I did.

(gasping)

So how did she take it?

Um...

I'm only trying
to be honest with you.

You know, ted.
I have to go to work.

Stella, can we just...

I don't want to leave it
like this.

No, ted, it's okay.

We're good.

Ow!

Look, I know it sounds rough,

But stella's a mom.

I have to be responsible.

If I'm having these

Feelings now,
what if they don't go away?

What if they just get worse
and worse

And six months from now,
I break up with her

Over tofu salmon
at her sister's wedding?

I can't do that

To her.
And I definitely can't do that

To her daughter.

It sucks, but I'm being
the good guy here.

This is the right decision.

Which brings me back
to the cab ride.

Hello, may I speak
with marshall eriksen?

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hey, guys.

Jell-o?

I can't believe this.
So you're totally fine.

No, I'm not fine.

I made the biggest mistake
of my life.

I want stella back.

I've left her like ten messages,
but her phone's off.

She's at that

Arcade kiddie funland
with her daughter.

Please.

Let me go to kiddie funland.

You can say that
all you want, buddy,

But you're not getting
any morphine.

No, I'm serious.
I got to get out of here.

You're not going anywhere
until we get the tests back.

You could have
internal bleeding.

Your brain could be all full
of blood.

Think that's good for it?

It ain't.

This sucks.

This sucks.

This sucks. This sucks.
Are you...

Are you kidding me?

You walked away

From a car accident
without a scratch.

A miracle took place today.

Oh, here we go.

You don't think
this was a miracle?

There's no such thing
as miracles.

March 2006, maclaren's bar.

Oh.

That's terrible.
Gentle.

That's in!
Gentle.

Ow.
Here we go.

Hey!

Bravo.

Cheers...

Mm-hmm.

(whimpering)

No... Way.

That did not just happen.

Am I dead?

Am I dead?

Miracle!

A pencil went up barney's nose,

And you call it a miracle.

Well, do you have a better
explanation for it?

A drunk jackass
with a box of pencils?

A drunk jackass
called "god!"

And a box of pencils
called "destiny!"

Speaking of barney,
I should give him a call.

Why? We're not friends anymore.

You'd want to know if
this happened to him.

(phone ringing)

Go for barney.

Hey, barney.

Listen, I have something
to tell you.

Oh, boy, here we go.

I've been waiting for this one.

You talked to robin.

She told you
what's under the hood

And you want to take it
for a spin yourself.

Not even if you boiled it
in detergent.

It's about ted.

Ted?

(chuckles)

My former best friend ted

Who I asked you never
to mention to me again?

Yeah.

He's been in a car accident.

He's at saint anthony's
hospital.

Everything's...

No, I understand.

You've got that important thing.

Okay.

Oh, of course

I'll tell him you love him.

Okay.

Suit up!

He is always saying stuff
like that!

He hung up, didn't he?
Yeah.

See, I told you.
We're not friends anymore.

(speaking Korean)

What did he say?

Ah, a hundred and thir... What?

You...

I'm coming, ted.

So, what made you change
your mind about stella?

Well, I was in the cab,
and the car was coming at me,

And you know how they say
that your whole life flashes

Before your eyes
in a near-death experience?

It doesn't.

You don't see everything.

Just the things you love.

(glass shattering) (crashing)

I realized in that moment

That stella is the most
important thing in my life

And-and I have to get her back.

Aw!

Miracle!

Very sweet.

Very romantic.

Not a miracle.

July 1999.

Kennedy airport.

So, did you enjoy...

Amsterdam?

No.

Nothing illegal.

Paintings.

All right, bob marley.

Let's have a conversation.

(man coughing)

Shift change.

Oh, amsterdam.

All right.

Float on through, brother.

Miracle!

Don't you go into the light!

Don't you do it!

Hey, mosby,

You got a visitor.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Can you guys, uh,
give us a minute?

Stella, before you
say anything...

I love you.

I love you, too.

Can we just forget about...

It's forgotten.

Is this your chart?

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Everything looks good.

I think you can handle it.

Handle what?

Aww! Aww! Aww!

This morning

He dumped her and now

She's dry-humping him
on a hospital bed.

Miracle!
Yeah,

You know, I bet
if you call up the vatican,

They will tell you that most
of their certified miracles

Involve dry-humping, so.

April 2008.

Lily's kindergarten classroom.

You're gonna go in there

And beg for your old job back?

That's crazy.

You hated it there.

I-I know, the job market is
just really bad right now.

Hey, kids,

Who wants uncle marshall
to get his old job back?

(cheering)

They'll cheer

For anything
if you say it like that.

Kids, a super tanker

Spilled five million
gallons of oil

Off the coast of alaska
this morning!

(cheering)

Bob hewitt:
Hello, marshall.

Mr. Hewitt,

I came here to apologize.

I'm going to go
grab some more glue.

Will you watch them for a sec?

Of course.

Leaving nicholson, hewitt,
and west was a huge mistake,

And I can see that now.

So...

Who wants to see the big guy

Put on these tiny hats?

(cheering)

My behavior was disrespectful.

It was unprofessional.

I'm a pilgrim.

I know it looks like
I have a tiny hat,

But in reality, I have
an abnormally large head!

(all laughing)

I was going through
a stressful time.

I wasn't getting enough sleep.

Fourscore and seven years ago,

I had a great, big giant head!

(laughing)

I had just bought an apartment,

And there were some problems.

I-I don't want to bore you
with the details.

I only regret that I have
but one giant head

To give for my country.

(all laughing)

Sir, if you could just see
your way into giving me

One more chance, I promise...
Marshall.

I'm willing to give this
a second chance.

I remember my

First years as an attorney.

Why, I don't know how
many hours I spent.

I don't think I ever left...

(thinking):
Oh, my god! Lice.

I have lice.

Those little bastards
gave me lice.

God, it itches.

Don't scratch it.

You'll look like a fool.

You'll never get your job back.

Okay, you can scratch,
but just make it subtle.

Okay, that's not working.

Oh, sweet, sharp corner
of the desk,

How I long to rub
my infested scalp against you.

I was, um... Just, uh...

You okay, eriksen?

Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good.

I am good.

Continue.

Mind over matter.

There are no lice in my hair...

Laying eggs,

Burrowing into my scalp,

Eating their way all the way
down to my brain!

I have lice!

"Lice"?! Lice! Get out!

Get out of my office!

We've got lice!

Everybody out of the building.

If it weren't for the lice,

I would have gotten my job back,

And I would have been
working there when,

Two weeks later, the securities
and exchange commission

Came a-knocking.

God sent those lice to my head

Like he sent
the locusts to egypt:

To liberate me
from corporate bondage.

Miracle.

Hey, guys.

Oh, I'm just so glad

You and ted are back together.
Yeah.

Wait, um, what do you mean
"back together"?

Well, you know,
since you guys broke up.

What? Oh, no.

It was just a small fight.

That wasn't a breakup.

Was that a breakup?
Did he think that was a breakup?

What?

Son of a bitch!

That was a breakup. Wasn't it?

You broke up with me.

Yeah.

I didn't know that
that was a breakup.

Are you kidding?

I-I said, "I feel awful."

You said, "we're good."

Then you got up and left.

Yeah, I said, "we're good,"

As in "we're good."

Like when the waiter
comes around and asks

If you want any more muffins,
and you say, "we're good."

Exactly, and I took
that "we're good" to mean

You didn't want any more

Metaphorical
relationship muffins.

This is crazy.

Forget about all that.

That was a whole
life-changing car accident ago.

I love you.

I don't want to break up.

But you did.

You did want to.

And if you had
those feelings once,

Then you're going
to have those feelings again,

And you're going
to keep on having them.

And I can't count
on that car to hit you

Every time you do.

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

You wanted your breakup,

You got it.

What?! Stella, wait!

No, you know what, ted?

We're good.

So you broke up with her
and she didn't know it?

Apparently.

And you actually said,
"I want to break up"?

No, of course not.

Who says "I want to break up"?

That's a horrible thing to say.

Well, that's true.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

Hi, ted mosby?
We have you

Listed as the emergency contact
for barney stinson.

What is it?

Narrator:
What it was was this.

(panting)

I made it.
I made it!

Dude, I...

I can't believe you ran
all the way up here.

Jeez. Flatter yourself much?

What an ego

On this guy.

Um, I was up
in this part of town

Because I had to attend

A very important
international business meeting.

If you're here

To come crawling back,
just save it.

I'm doing awesome without you.

Even better now,
'cause I can play

The sympathy card
with the females.

And btw,

There's one bone downstairs
that ain't broken.

Marshall,

You know what I'm talking about.

Up top!

Hup!

Are you sure?

Yeah, dude. Why do you think
I had them set it this way?

Okay.

Ow!

Worth it.

(groans)

Barney, you, uh...

You could've died.

Ted, I'm sorry
I broke the bro code.

No, I'm-I'm sorry.

Ted, can we be friends again?

Barney, come on, we're...
We're more than friends.

We're brothers.

You're my brother, ted.
You're my

Brother, barney.

(chuckling)

Did you hear that, marshall?

We're brothers now.

Marshall's my brother, too.

We're all brothers.

Yeah, but I'm your
best brother, right?

And that's how your uncle barney

It got pretty mushy
and embarrassing after that.

Let's skip ahead.

I had to look away
because if I watched

What the paramedics
were about to do,

I would have passed out.

Then they took out this

Electric blade thing
and I kept thinking,

"this isn't happening.
This isn't happening."

Oh, my god.
What did they cut?

My suit.

My beautiful suit.

But you're alive,
and, and ted's alive.

This is amazing!

Two miracles in one day.

(blows raspberry)

What is the matter with you?

How can you possibly
be this cynical?!

You want to know?
Yeah.

You really want to know?
Yeah!

Fine.

When I was a kid,

I had this dog, sir scratchawan.

(chuckles)

Anyway, sir scratchawan
got really old,

So my parents decided
to put him down.

It was the toughest day
of my young life.

Good-bye, sir scratchawan.

I love you.

And when they took
him to the vet,

He told them that
earlier that very day,

He had learned about
an experimental procedure

Called a canine/testudine
cerebro-xenograft.

Ever heard of it?

No.

Well, it saved
sir scratchawan's life.

He lived another seven years.

Miracle.
Except for one...

Kind of big side effect
from the surgery.

Sir scratchawan!

Welcome home!

He turned into a turtle.

I know. It's weird, right?

Apparently, a very common
complication

From canine/testudine
cerebro-xenografts.

And he didn't seem to remember
any of his old tricks.

Go get it, scratchy.

Go get it!

Go get it! Get it!

Go get it, scratchy.

Go get it.

How long was it before...?

Longer than I'm proud of, lily.

Longer than I'm proud of.

And that's when I realized

Miracles ain't real.

Excuse me.

(barney snickers)

Mosby, you're still here?

Your tests came back,
like, an hour ago. You're fine.

Are you kidding me?
Why didn't you tell me?!

I'm sorry.

I guess it was rude of me
to keep resuscitating that guy

With a rake sticking out
of his chest.

Um, I have to go right now.
Barney, I...

Go.

Run, ted. Run.

If there's anything I've taught
you over the years, it's...

Barney, he left.
Oh.

Hey, ted said that right
before the accident,

His life flashed
before his eyes.

You know,
all the stuff he loves.

Did that happen to you?
Oh, yeah.

I know what he saw: Boobs.
Scotch.

And money.

Suits.
A suit of money.

A suit of boobs.

A giant boob wearing
a suit of money.

And the boob is
lactating scotch.

I guess that's pretty much
everything you love, right?

Yeah, pretty much.

Narrator: Kids, a lot
of weird, random things

Have happened in my life,

But that car accident
is one of the few

That I'd call a miracle,
not because of what happened,

But because
of what happened next.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I talk to you?

Okay.

I got you this orange kangaroo.

Uh... Thanks.

So I've been thinking
about what changed

From the moment
I broke up with you

To the moment I knew
I wanted you back.

And, um, I think I finally
figured out what happened.

Your cab got t-boned
by a jackass on a cell phone?

No. I changed.

I'm ready to give you
what you need.

That's why I spent

Ten minutes on the
damn claw machine

Trying to get the big,
fake diamond ring.

But all I could get was
this orange kangaroo.

Diamond ring?

Will you marry me?