How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Welcome Protocol - full transcript

♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪

[all straining, groaning]
SID: Okay, okay, okay!

VALENTINA:
Ah! Ooh!

And Sophie wins!

[gasps] Yes!

Woo!
VALENTINA: Sophie,

I hereby present you

with my plus-one ticket

for tonight's premiere party



to Flubber: The Musical.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
I get to go to a fancy-ass party!

[gasps] Oh.

And my Halo says
that I burned 200 calories!

Sophie is peaking.

- I let her win.
- I know. Me, too.

Point is, we're strong.
Strong on three. One, two, three.

ALL Strong!

Alright. Whatever helps you
sleep at night.

You getting promoted was the best thing
that's ever happened to me!

What can I say?

Styling a Broadway star has its perks.

I still can't believe you dressed
Daphne Dupree and lived to tell the tale.

The way I heard, when she was in Les Mis,



she pushed little Cosette
into the orchestra pit.

Daphne's a nightmare!

She rejected, like, 200 dresses.

How about this dress for the premiere?

It's foot-sewn by a woman
with no hands. Très chic.

You're lucky I had
my salivary glands removed,

or I'd spit on that foot dress right now.

Why did you...?

I didn't wanna be
tempted by solid foods.

♪

But I finally found a gown
that she absolutely loved.

Oh, my God, what am I gonna wear?

A mini? A midi? A maxi? Oh my!

[Sophie giggles,
Jesse giggles mockingly]

Come on, guys.
We'll have fun here.

I'll give you each one drink free.

[flatly]:
Oh, wow. That is huge for us.

We have definitely been
paying for all our drinks.

Oh, hey! Is it cool
if I invite my new lady friend, Dana?

- Lady friend?
- Yeah.

I've got two male friends named Dana.
I'm trying to be clear. [Scoffs] Anyway,

we, uh, matched the other day,
and then, we met up last night,

and the rest is... kiss-Tory.

Look, I-I think it's great

that you're getting back
out there post-Meredith,

but you've known this girl

- for, like, a day.
- Yep.

It feels fast for a friend blend.

Yeah, man. You know the rules.
No introducing new people to the group

unless you've been dating for two weeks.
Or if they're dying.

Well, she is dying!

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

In the sense that we all are.

Look, what do you want me to say?
I really like this girl, alright?

I'm sorry, guys, but I'm invoking...

♪ dramatic sting ♪

The Welcome Protocol.

It's a complex method.
We bust it out whenever one of us

wanted to dazzle a new love interest.

For instance, when Ellen
brought her girlfriend Rachel

into the fold...

♪ Ocean's 11 -style music ♪

We each had a specific role.

There's the Hype Men,

who brag up a storm.

Rachel, did you know
Ellen's been asked

to be a hair model five times?

In the last week?

[laughs] No way! You never told me that!

There's the Bathroom Bestie
who goes deep with a newcomer.

- [water running]
- I don't know. Sometimes I think

I don't have what it takes
to make it in this city.

[water stops]

We all experience Impostor Syndrome.

- Even Miley Cyrus.
- You're so right.

There's the Human Fodder,
who is so ridiculous

that it gives everyone
someone to bond over.

Take a gander at this.

I got the bottom of my shoes
engraved with my full name!

[laughter]

Oh, he's so ridiculous!

And lastly, the Giggler.

The one who laughs at all
the friend's jokes to make them seem like

the most charming person in the world.

And then, I swallowed a full piano key.

F sharp. Or should I say...

[singing low note]:
F sharp?

[giggling] God, Ellen,

you're so funny! I'm dying!

Dude, the Welcome Protocol
is extremely exhausting.

We can't just trot it out
for a one-date nobody.

I slept for three days straight
after the last one.

And one of those days
was National Roommate Day.

Ellen and I were going to
play hide-and-seek at the Met.

I still did.
And Charlie never found me.

Also, Sophie and Val aren't here,

which means I'd have to be
Bathroom Bestie and Giggler.

I can't giggle while I use the bathroom!
I'll toot!

Okay, look, I'm sorry,
but it's been invoked,

and per the protocol,
once invoked, it cannot be invoked.

[fake laugh]

What? Just practicing.

♪

[party chatter]

Okay. Let's make
the most of this party.

I'm on drinks. You're on food.

Keep the sweets
and the savory separate.

- And if you run out of hands...
- I know, I know. Carry it in my mouth.

♪ Soft music ♪

These look like the future residents

[sing-song]:
Of Sophie Tompkins' stomach.

What are you doing?

- I'm eating.
- Oh, it's not ready yet.

What are you doing?
Give me that back.

What is wrong with...

- Why are you so tall?
- Why are you so short?

You can't just go asking people
why they're so short.

Ah...

Now, it's ready.
I'm Robert, the meticulous chef.

I'm Sophie,

annoyed party guest.

And just because I introduced myself,
doesn't mean I want to talk to you.

Actually, wait. Um...

Do you know
where I could get some ranch?

Seriously?
That's yellow tail crudo.

Yeah. And you don't have
to be so rude-o.

Here's your Flub-tini.

The bartender winked at me
and said he put extra flub in there.

I really don't know what that means.

Valentina.

You really pulled this off.
I was wrong to say

that a subway mole rat
could style me better than you.

You never said that.

Oh. I meant to.

I am really gonna pop
on that stage later

when I sing My Heart Flubs For You.

I'm sorry. I just...
just get a little emotional

whenever I think of my enemies
watching me sing so beautifully.

Nevin!

[scoffs]

Okay, but she
looks incredible, Val.

I know! I killed it.

- Oh, she really does look great.
- Oh!

Oh! Oh, so does she.

Ah. Someone else wearing the same dress.

Yeah, no, she'll be normal about that.

Uh... [shutter snaps]

Come over here. [Laughs]

Ooh.
[camera clatters]

Fix it, and we'll try again later, hm?

I have some pocket yellow tail,
if it'll make you feel better.

♪

♪

SID:
Oh God! Here they come.

Guys, I'd like you to meet Dana!

Isn't she effortlessly cool,
but also somehow sweet?

Sorry. I've clearly been in
my own head about introducing you.

Thanks for letting me crash your hang.

Duh! We were so excited to meet you.

Let's, uh, let's get you a drink.
JESSE: Yeah.

♪ Ocean's 11 -style music ♪

So, did you know that Jesse

has saved five wounded baby birds?

I didn't know that. He's so great.

Oh, the greatest.
[laughs]

Is that a red tuxedo
on that bourbon bottle?

♪ Music stops ♪

It is. Yeah, it's actually a nod to...

The gold room bar from The Shining?

On a bottle of Jack, too.

That's brilliant.

Okay. You are the only person
to ever get that reference.

Maybe you are worth the protocol.

What?

I said...

maybe you are the pro to call...

if I have movie questions.

- Oh.
- Nice save...

What?

♪

This is all my fault.

I was so sleep deprived
from showing her 200 looks,

I forgot to tell the designer
not to let anyone else wear it!

I wish they could do that with tattoos

because I would hate for someone else
to have my singing Garfield.

Okay. Sorry.

We can fix this.

♪

You know that's sauce, not soup, right?

No time to explain, Sauce Cop.
I'm in the middle of something.

So am I. Dinner for 300 fat cats.

Could you maybe leave them some sauce?

Oh, could you maybe not sauce-shame me?

So then, I said, "Reese Witherspoon?

More like Reese without her spoon!"

[laughter]

- [gasps]
- Hey! Watch it!

God! Oh! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

You know what they say.
Don't... sauce up and gossip?

Uh, here. Please take my duster.
It's the least I could do.

- Oh, I don't think so...
- Oh.

Used to be Kerry Washington's.

- Oh. I love her!
- Yeah.

- I miss Scandal.
- Oh, we all do. We all do.

And this is how Kerry used to wear it.

- Nice and tight!
- Oh.

Uh, off you go! Have fun now! Bye!

Oh, I am getting so many
compliments on this dress.

I am so glad I invited
three of my ex-husbands.

Oh, Mandy.

Mission accomplished.

- Let's get another drink.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you wanna go with the "Flubarita"
or the "Flub on the Beach"?

Just a classic gin and...

Mother[bleep]!

Out of curiosity,
were you gonna say tonic or juice?

This is it.
This is the end of my career.

Unless...

Mother[bleep].

♪

Twist. Dana's the best.

She's a goddamn dream!

Wow. Being bullied like that

must've been really hard for you.

♪ Ocean's 11 -style music ♪

It was, but enough about me.
Jesse says you work in produce,

which is pretty much
my favorite food category.

Yukon Golds.

Those are just russet potatoes
left out in the sun, right?

♪

She actually asked me
about my interests.

You guys never ask me about my...

Ellen, I want to say why I like her.

When I did human fodder,
she didn't laugh at me.

She made me feel seen.

And that is why I always wear
a collared shirt to the cinema.

I completely agree.
I wish people still got dressed up to fly!

♪

- He should marry that girl.
- Oh yeah, dude.

- Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.
- Yeah.

Dude, we were so wrong about Dana.
We're so happy to welcome her.

- Thrilled.
- We love her.

Yeah. Uh, about that...

I changed my mind.
I mean, she's great,

but we just don't have... it.

Sometimes I'm glad
we're not related by blood!

Your face doesn't have it.

Let's nix the Welcome Protocol,

and go straight to
the Fake Emergency Protocol.

[groaning]

♪

So then, I said, "Reese Witherspoon?

More like Reese without her spoon!"

[laughter]

Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry I spilled on you.

You're probably gonna wanna change.

Nah, who cares?

I already spilled on myself
three times today.

Classic Nance!

Are you sure you don't want to
change into my friend's dress?

What show do you miss?
A star of that wore this.

Kathy Bates wore that on Harry's Law?

- Uh-huh!
- Yes.

♪

I still don't understand
why you couldn't give Nance your dress.

I can't do Nance dirty like that.

She can't pull off seafoam.

- I'll swipe you a coat from coat check.
- Fine.

But, if I get bedbugs again,
you cannot tell anyone.

That cannot be my thing.

♪

NANCE:
Holy shit.

That famous lady is wearing
the same dress I am!

I shop like a celebrity.

- Shush please... No!
- Well, look at that!

I'm also matching you, too!

Hey, girl, it's me.
Do me a solid and make Daphne go blind,

just for the rest of the night
because I'm a good person, girl! Amen!

I can't believe you'd do this to me.

I am wearing the same dress
as two other women.

That hasn't happened to me since I starred

in that extremely problematic
revival of Dream girls.

[angry grunt]

And don't Google it.

♪

Val, where are you?

Why aren't you answering
any of your texts?

Now, I have to leave you a voicemail,

and I hate leaving voice mails.

Especially because I know
you're never gonna check it.

Your singing voice isn't
as strong as you think it is.

Ha! Bye.

[both scream]
Turn around!

I did turn around!
You want me to turn back?

- No, no, no, no!
- I will... Uh...

[gasps]

- [groans]
- Daphne.

I am so sorry about the dress.

Save it.

I'm gonna ruin you.

[voice breaking]:
You will never work in this town again.

A-are you crying?

Can't. I had my tear ducts removed.

- Why did you...
- Oh,

the surgeon who took out my saliva glands
read my chart wrong.

That was a bad day.
And yet, this is worse.

Oh, 40 years in the business,
and here I am.

Cast off to a junior incompetent stylist

and starring in a musical
about Silly Putty.

The only reason I took this stupid job

was because my reps told me
being in a family show

would make me seem
more a "woman of the people."

Apparently, I don't have
the best reputation.

Hm.

Boy, you start one rumor
that Lea Michele can't read...

- That was you?
- Okay, I admit that

I can be a tad cutthroat,

but that's only because
I have had to scrape

and claw my entire career.

- [scoffs] I get that.
- Oh, no, you don't.

Not unless you starred in Fiddler
with a very handsy Tevye.

How about this?

I save your rep, I help you
become a woman of the people,

and you don't ruin my career?

Alright, I'm listening.

But, I can't do anything

that involves crying or spitting
because I have...

No ducts or glands. I-I got it.

♪

- [ringtone playing]
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

My mom's calling.
She never calls. I need to take this.

- Hello?
- It's Mom. I was in an accident.

I hate you.

I'll be right there!

Dana, I'm so sorry.
My mom's been in a car accident.

Oh, my God. Is she okay?

[panting]
Dad just called. Mom...

I know. I know.
We need to go to the hospital right now.

[flatly]: And I will drive you
to the hospital as you are distraught.

Dana, Dana, I tried calling you.
Grandma's in the hospital.

Oh, my God!

Jesse, I'm so sorry about your mom,
but I gotta go.

Yeah, no, no, of course.
I'm s... Wait...

[laughing]:
Oh. Okay.

Wow. Oh, bravo, you two.

You doing your fake emergency
right at the tail end

of my fake emergency to really sell it.

It's, uh... it's genius.

- What are you talking ab...
- Come on, Dana, cut the crap, alright?

We obviously both realized
we weren't feeling it.

We faked emergencies.
Let's call it what it is.

What?

Jesse, my grandma
is actually in the hospital.

But she's a bigot,
and you're not close to her?

I'm hoping. [Nervous laugh]

She's gay and a humanitarian,
you asshole!

You could have married her,

and we could have had
a gay grandma-in-law?

Thanks for nothing.

♪

♪

Do you mind if I hide out in here?

Because I don't really wanna
go out there dressed like this.

- [laughs]
- No problem, chef. Stir this.

How'd you end up
half-naked in my pantry anyway?

Oh...

Helping out a friend.

Tonight is kind of
"make or break" for her.

It would all seem crazy to
someone as established as you.

How do you know I'm established?

I may or may not have googled you
while I was stuck in the pantry.

- [laughs]
- Ah.

Hey, I googled you, too.

"Woman falls in sinkhole
on Cinco de Mayo."

I trended because of that.
Hashtag "sinkhole de Mayo."

Ha!

You were thinking about me
when you were in there?

Only because you were so obnoxious.

I was thinking about you, too.

Here, try this.
[taps whisk]

♪ Muffled party music ♪

Oh, my God.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah.

You just made your very own ranch.

Hm.

Mm!

Now, here I thought you could only
get this from the Hidden Valley.

[laughs]

[party chatter]

- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Trust me. You're going to kill.

Uh... Thank you.

Uh, good evening, everyone.

[applause, cheering]

Uh, Nance, Jill, get up here.

Uh, tonight,
I'd like to share the stage

with these two impeccably
dressed women.

[laughter]

Damn, you two look good.

Do I look that good?

Lie to me, people,
and tell me I do.

[laughter, applause]

You're so funny and down-to-Earth.

A real woman of the people.

And now... My Heart Flubs For You.

♪ Romantic music playing ♪

♪ You're a brilliant scientist ♪

♪ The only reason I exist ♪

♪ Is you made me in a dish ♪

♪ muffled singing ♪

Okay, we have a spicy ranch,

a creamy basil ranch,

and a Dorito-inspired...

cool ranch.

So is this your move?
You just make dip

for all the girls you find
in your pantry in their underwear?

Mm, let's see. [Mumbling]

Uh, so far, 100% of the time.

[laughs]

♪ ...feelings,
feelings for you ♪

♪ My heart flubs ♪

♪ When you walk through the door ♪

♪ song continues ♪

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, sort of.

I think I know what's going on here.

You do?

You tried to fast-track it with Dana

'cause you're still not over Meredith.

- I am completely over Meredith.
- Oh.

Yeah, but I was trying
to rush things with Dana to...

get over Sophie.

Oh...

Yeah, I don't think
I ever really totally moved on.

And I think maybe
she still has feelings, too.

I mean, lately, there have been...

sparks.

- God, I know that sounds dorky.
- Uh, bro?

Being alive is dorky.
[sighs]

That's why you just gotta go for it.

- Yeah. Yeah. I think I will.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ My heart flubs for you ♪

So, Sophie.

I'm obviously
way too young for you...

but would you let me
take you out sometime?

♪ My soul flubs ♪

♪ When you stuffed me in a drawer ♪

♪ music swells ♪

♪ Flubs have hearts, too ♪

♪ And mine belongs to you ♪

♪ My heart flubs ♪

So, I guess that's a no to dinner?

♪

♪ My heart flubs ♪

♪ When you walk through the door ♪

♪ My soul flubs ♪

♪ When you stuff me in a drawer ♪

♪ Flubs have hearts, too ♪

♪ And mine belongs to you ♪

♪ My heart flubs ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ Would it be such a crime
to take a chance... ♪