How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - I'm His Swish - full transcript

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪

Oh, son, when you're young,

it's easy to think that older
people have all the answers.

But then you date one,

and you realize we're
all just flying blind.

Yeah,
I actually dated a senior

for a few months last semester, so
I-I know what you mean, you know?

Sweetie. I'm kind of in
the middle of a story here.

Your generation just
loves to talk about themselves.

Anyway, um,



I had been dating
Robert for a few weeks,

and it was putting a
real spring in my step.

Guys! I just saw a pigeon

on a romantic stroll...

with a rat.

Well, well, well, if it isn't
our long-lost lovestruck Sophie.

You've been off in
Robert-land forever.

The apartment's a wreck,
and Cowgirl Cleanup

is a two-woman job.

Whoa, Nelly!

This bronco's got buck!

We promised each other that we
wouldn't talk about Cowgirl Cleanup

until the trademark clears.

Okay. Yeah. I know
I've been gone a lot,



but it's just that Robert keeps
planning all of these amazing dates.

I have not set an
alarm in years.

My body just naturally
wakes up at 6 AM.

You're amazing.

This is my tomato
bisque.

Holy shit!

Whoa!

And then, we go back
to his apartment,

which overlooks Central Park, and
we do it until the sun comes up.

I got a question. When
you're "doing it,"

do you ever accidentally
activate his Life Alert necklace?

- Ha. 'Cause he's older.
- Yes.

Does he sleep in one of those
floor-length grandpa nightgowns?

Yeah, with one of
those long pointy hats?

And he's all like,

"honk-shoo, honk-shoo,
mimimimimi!"

Ignore them, Soph.
I think it's great.

It actually got me to widen the
age range on my dating apps,

and I met someone.

Wait, you're dating a new guy?
Well, how do I not know this?

Well ... I'm
late to meet him.

I'll fill you in later. We
can do Cowgirl Confessions.

Save
it for the Sharks!

Guys, Robert is going to
be here any minute, okay?

So, no more old man jokes.

Of course not. We want him to
feel totally comfortable here.

That's why Sid put
prune juice on tap.

What are we laughing at?

We're just razzing our friend
'cause she's dating an old guy.

Yeah.

- I believe that's me.
- Oh, what?

But, you're... beautiful.

Uh, Robert, meet my friends.

Friends, this is Robert.

Zamn, Zaddy! Your
skin is golden.

It's like the flesh of a sun-dappled
peach on a late summer's evening.

- May I?
- Sure.

Oh, my God. How do you get it
to stay so supple? It's so...

- Okay, we don't need another
lawsuit. - Yeah.

Introductions are over.

Ah, your friends are nice.
Little handsy, but nice.

Uh, yeah, th-that's
them in a nutshell.

Hey, you know what?

I was thinking...

tonight, I would take you out.

And by "out,"

I mean, in to my apartment,

where it's cozy. And cheap.

A night in at your
place sounds great.

Yeah.

You okay?

I just kind of thought he'd
be, like, some old novelty

she'd be into for a while, and
then get tired of, you know?

Like those two weeks she
tried being a top hat person.

You're sure it's
not giving Lincoln?

Only in that it's
blowing my brains out.

I'm sorry.

Maybe his organs are in worse
shape than his outer body,

and he won't live much longer.

Probably not, though.

He glows from within.

Hey!

Class of '88. Me, too.

Huh?!

I'm sorry. What, you
two are the same age?

Looks like it.

Does not!

Sid, promise me that in 25
years, we're gonna look like him,

and not like him.

- Sorry, no offense.
- Huh?!

Dude, of course, we're gonna
age like Robert. Look at us.

No, you're right.

And that one gray hair,
nothing to worry about.

Exactly, dude. I
barely even see it.

- What, me?
- Yeah.

No, I meant your gray hair.
I don't have any gray hair.

Neither do I.

No, no!

What's up, sad boy?

Figured you could use a hang.

Plus, Rachel's still in Florida
taking care of her aunt.

I'm lonely, I'm bored,

- and I miss my bae's touch!
- Okay.

Not loving your touch right
now, but, uh, okay, fine.

Yeah, I guess I could
use the company.

I'll go order us a pizza.

Can Robert do that?

Probably just make it, since
he's a super-talented chef.

I mean, I hate that old dirtbag!

Ooh.

Oh!

Hey, babe. How's Boca? RACHEL
Don't know.

I flew home early. My aunt's
Florida friends were all,

"Don't say gay." And I was like,

"You know what? I'm
gonna say it. Gay! Bye!"

Come over. I
haven't seen you in weeks,

and there's some things we
couldn't do on FaceTime.

I'm dying to do those things,
but I promised Jesse we'd hang.

Maybe I can bail?

Yeah, hi. Yeah, I'll get
a sausage pie, please.

Oh, a-and make it a large 'cause
I'm hangin' with my sister.

I can't bail.

You're so lucky your
brother's in prison.

Oh, man. We are aging so
much faster than I thought!

Oh, you're right.

We look like Grace and
Frankie's grandfathers.

The lighting in
here is not helping!

Siddhartha, do not
blame the lighting!

Two paths diverging
into the woods.

One leads to gorgeous Robert,

and the other leads to that
cranky old man at the bar

whose head looks like a scrotum.

Dude, you're right.

We gotta start taking better
care of ourselves right now.

That's how you get
to be a Robert.

Just need to be calm about this.
Don't need to do anything drastic.

Oh, absolutely.
Calm. Non-drastic.

We will do anything
to look young forever!

Wowza. I am romantic as butt.

Hey, Val!

Hey!

Wait, did you sign up for Big
Brother, Big Sister without me?

What? This is the guy I
told you about. Swish.

Swish?

Sup?

We got kicked out of his dorm
for hustling a game of flip cup,

and Swish lost his fake
ID, so he can't go to bars.

Your guys' place is sick!

- My girl is hella aspirational.
- Aw...

Um, Val? Can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a minute?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

How old is he?

NYU, Class of '26, bay-bee!

Two-six!

Okay, I am super happy for you,
but you guys can't stay here

'cause Robert's gonna be here any minute,
and I have this whole night planned.

Soph, you've barely
been home for weeks,

and now, you're
trying to kick me out?

Please!

- I'm trying to have a date.
- Me, too.

Y'all have your own
bedrooms?! Damn!

Okay, but yours is ridiculous.

You and Robert are no less
ridiculous than me and Swish.

And we're not going anywhere,
so I guess the four of us

will just have to share
the apartment tonight.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Sup, sir? I'm Swish.

Whoa, pink wine?

This is our cryotherapy chamber.

The subzero nitrogen
helps detoxify the body

while also reducing
oxidative stress.

You know, I am so glad scientists
gave up on climate change

and started focusing
on making us look hot.

Some people find it
helpful to sing a song

to keep your mind off the pain.

Sorry, the what
now?

- Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Cold! Cold!
- Ah! Ow! Ow!

Try singing!

Uh, la la la!

La la la!

- Are you singing or crying?
- Both!

Would
you like more salad?

No, I
never went to college.

No, salad!

Yeah.

- Uh, so I was thinking...
- What?

I was... Oh, my God.

Val!

Val!

Hey. Why don't you join
us? We have plenty of food.

You must have worked up an
appetite with all that jumping.

Fire! I'd love to
throw a fork in that.

Ah, yes. That is a
fire idea, Robert.

See? My guy's mature
and deals with problems.

Yeah. Back problems.

Where's the mirror?

I want to see how good we look.

Oh, you won't see results
after just one treatment.

Most of our clients like
to come in twice a week.

Uh, we're looking for something
we'd only have to do, like,

twice a year.

Of course.

Well, whatever she has in
mind, it can't possibly hurt

as much as that just did.

How do we feel about needles?

Depends on where you're
gonna stick it, Kirstin.

Sorry that took so long.

Ellen?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Get
out, get out, get out!

I'm so, so sorry!

Rachel came home early, and
I didn't wanna ditch you,

so I asked her over here. And
then you were gone so long.

And then one thing
led to another.

And then I just need you to
know that it was not my boob!

- What?!
- I think you saw a boob back there,

a-and it's important to me that you know
that was your sister's girlfriend's boob

and not your sister's boob!

Why would you use my bed?

At least somebody's using it.

What is that supposed to
mean?! - Nothing!

I-I might have told her that you haven't
slept with anyone since Meredith.

What? For all you know,

I could've slept with dozens
of women since Meredith!

No, Sid hasn't texted me.

You and Sid text
about my sex life.

Not lately.

How did this happen?!

How did I become the guy
who has so little sex

that people text about it?!

I mean, I'm cool!

I play the guitar! I
collect vintage T-shirts!

Yes, 'cause you have a lot of
extra time from not having sex.

Really glad we're finally getting
to spend some time together, Rachel.

Jesse, yes, you're cool.

But, you're also a softie
who's hung up on a hottie

who's into an oldie. And
I hate to say it, bro,

but you need to move on.

Or, at the very least,
take back the bed.

You're right. I need
to take back the bed.

I'm gonna go out right now and
find a woman to have sex with.

In a very respectful way
where she also mutually

wants to have sex with me.

- Totally! Get back out there.
- Oh, yes!

Leave now! We'll
watch the place.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You're coming with me, okay?

Nothing is creepier than a
single straight white guy

sitting alone at a bar,
trying to pick up women.

Fine. Great.

I can't get laid until
my brother gets laid.

Love it. Very Mormon.

So, Swish?

What'd you learn
at school today?

Um, we've been studying
really old films.

Uh, specifically
from the late '90s.

My thesis is on the
Scream franchise.

Ooh! I catered the
New York premiere.

David Arquette loved my hummus.

Mad respect, sir.

Is it true landlines were
invented for that movie?

Oh, Robert.

You do not have to
help Swish with his homework.

Oh, I don't know.

I think it might be nice for
Swish to learn from his elders.

Isn't that what
he's doing with you?

Besides, Robert and
I have important...

grown-up things to talk about.

You know what? Nothing makes
you sound more like a dumb baby

than when you call
something "grown-up."

Oh, you should know a thing or two about
dumb babies 'cause you're dating one.

We should just
stay quiet, right?

You're very smart for your age.

This is our top-of-the-line
age simulator.

I can show you exactly how you'll
look in 25 years if you do nothing.

Oh, my face.
Oh, my beautiful face!

Well, good luck to you, buddy.

I guess some of us are just
blessed with good genes.

You know what they say.

"South Asian don't raisin."

Oops. I-I forgot to hit
play on your simulation.

I'm a raisin! I'm a raisin!

Shoot us up with
everything you've got.

Jesse, I promise you
don't say "hello" weird.

Just go talk to that cute girl.

Are you sure? It feels
like it's coming out weird.

Hello. Hallo. Hallo?

- Just go with hi!
- Hi!

- Hi! Hi!
- Hi! Hi.

Wait, wait. C-can you do the
sound of the dial-up modem again?

The modem goes like this.

♪ beatboxing along ♪

♪ harmonizing ♪

Anyone need more
wine? I need wine.

Hey, actually, I'm going to, uh,

use the facility and get going.

No. No no, don't get going.

Valentina, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a minute?

You guys are
driving Robert out of here,

and I know you're not
really that into Swish.

You're wrong. I like Swish.

I really like Swish.

In fact, I think I love Swish.

If you swear to me that
you're serious about Swish,

then I'll drop it
and be happy for you.

Fine. I'm not
serious about Swish.

I was just mad that you
made fun of my relationship,

and then tried to kick
me out of our apartment.

Okay.

And that was lame
of me, alright?

But, I-I was just nervous
about hosting Robert.

We never have grown-ups here
that aren't our parents.

Soph, you have to
stop saying grown-ups.

I know!

Why are you hanging out with Swish
when you don't really like him?

Oh, I like him fine.

I mean, obviously, I'll
get bored and end it soon,

but he's a lot of fun.

And a hell of an ego boost.

I do any basic adult
things, Swish is like,

"Holy shit!" or, "Whoa!"
or, "You're amazing!"

Oh no.

Holy shit!

Whoa!

You're amazing.

I'm Robert's Swish.

What are you in the
mood for? Wine? Beer?

I can make you a Manhattan

if you promise not to judge
me for googling it.

Please don't look at us!

Just try to remember
me as I was!

What the hell
happened to you two?

We got some
preventative work done.

But I had an allergic
reaction to the Botox.

My body is literally
rejecting youth.

I'm just a little bit
raw from the lasers.

And the needling.

And the chemical peel.

Honestly, it is disgusting the
hoops we make men jump through.

Anne, I'd like you to
meet Charlie and Sid.

I really like your room.

Thanks. I, uh,

painted it myself.

Ooh...

Whose bra is this?

D-do you have a girlfriend?

No, no, no. H-honestly, it's
probably just my sister's.

She was having sex
in here earlier.

Not with me. We don't
do that. She's adopted.

Don't know why I
said that. Uh...

I'll call you a Lyft.

Yeah.

Soph! Relax. You are
not Robert's Swish.

- He really likes you.
- Yeah,

he likes me for the moment

because I'm young and
fun and easily impressed.

Okay, but what happens
when the novelty wears off?

It's gonna be like that time when
I decided to be a top hat person.

Nope!

Okay, if you're feeling worried
about it, then test it out.

Try to make plans with Robert
for, like, a month from now.

If he commits, you're
golden. If he doesn't...

you're his Swish.

Genius.

Mm-hmm.

Swish and I will
give you guys some space...

I don't know where he went.

Maybe he has a curfew?

Hey. That was fun.

Thank you for dinner.

Oh, come on! No,
it-it's still early.

- No, I-I really gotta get home.
- Okay, but before you do, uh,

the Fleet Foxes are playing
Webster Hall in a few weeks.

We should go.

Uh, call you tomorrow.
We'll talk all about it.

Okay, but I have it right here.

Hey, don't go rushing
into buying anything.

No, no, no! Who's rushing?

Just take a peep.

Just send me the information, and,
you know, we'll figure it out.

Oh! Maybe concerts aren't
your thing, but here is a list

of upcoming events in the city.

There's museums
and flea markets...

Politically
incorrect puppet shows!

Please let me go home!

Our dates have kept me up
late for the last two weeks,

and if I don't go home right now

and get nine hours of sleep

on my Tempur-Pedic mattress,
I-I'm gonna physically collapse.

So, you're not avoiding
making plans with me

because you don't wanna commit
to seeing me a month from now?

What?

No, I'm not making plans

'cause I can't see your phone
without my reading glasses.

But I didn't wanna tell you that

or admit how tired I am

because I don't want you
to feel like you're dating

an old guy. Just an older guy.

I'll tell you what. How
about next Saturday,

or however far into the
future you want me to commit,

we'll go to my place upstate.

Whole weekend. Just me and you.

I choose next Saturday.

I was hoping you would.

Val!

V-Valentina?

There you are!

Look, uh,

I-I know we've only been
dating for a few weeks, but...

when you know, you know.

I've never met anyone like you,

and I love you, and...

I know you love me, too.

Will you marry me?

- Yeah, okay.
- What?

Ah!

She said yes! You said yes!

Oh, my gosh, I gotta
call my mom right now!

Oh! Sorry.

Why would you say yes?

I didn't
wanna be mean!

Kids these days have,
like, zero attention span.

He'll forget about
it by tomorrow.

He wouldn't.