How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Valentine's Day - full transcript
The gang recounts their worst Valentine's Day experiences in order to cheer up Ellen.
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
♪ Everlasting Love
by Love Affair ♪
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Then, you'll realize ♪
♪ Here I stand... ♪
Mom? Mom? Mom! Mom!
Will you turn that thing off?
I don't know how much longer
I can watch you sensually
dance with a teddy bear!
Ooh, what's that, Teddy?
You think he should pay
for his own college?
Oh, good idea.
You know, your dad
got me one of these
on our very first
Valentine's Day as a couple.
Even before he and
I got together,
he had a soft spot
for Valentine's Day.
I'm just saying, Valentine's
Day is the worst.
Wait, you're grumpy
about Valentine's Day?
What a total curveball!
Do you think it's a
"Hallmark holiday"?
Yeah! I do. It's just an excuse for the
greeting card and chocolate companies...
Alright! Alright.
Not exactly a hot take, man.
Yeah, next, you're gonna say that
TikTok is shortening our attention span.
It is! Our generation
can't even focus...
I don't care what you
think, Love Grinch!
Hannah's en route to the city,
and we are gonna Valentine the crap
out of each other all night long.
I love Valentine's
Day, too. Every year,
I spend it with the
hottest piece in the city.
This little smoke
show right here.
Damn right, she does.
Valentine's Day is
our day. We call it...
Svalentine's Day!
Sorry, isn't that what we all
call it, but with less spitting?
No! It's Svalentine's.
Like Sophie and Valentina's
Valentine's Day.
Svalentine's.
Is it a fresher take if
I hate Svalentine's Day?
I hate this stupid holiday.
Hey, bud. What the hell is this?
It's supposed to be Rachel's
Valentine's Day gift.
Because nothing
says "I love you"
like a romantic
candlelight dinner
under a nude frozen likeness
of the woman you love.
But Rachel's aunt broke her hip,
so she went to Florida to help.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
I know! She's extremely caring!
Sorry. Sorry.
I was really excited for our
first Valentine's Day together,
and now it's ruined.
Does it make you feel
better to know that I've had
a terrible, horrible, no good, very
bad Valentine's Day before, too?
Aw, sweetie, no.
Why would hearing about your
misfortune make me feel any better?
Aw.
Just kidding. It totally would.
Tell me, tell me, tell me!
Okay. I was 8 years old.
I was making cards for all the
important people in my life.
My mom, my mom's
boyfriend, Steve,
my favorite NSYNC member,
Chris Kirkpatrick,
Ruthie and Teck from
The Real World: Hawaii.
Stop right there.
A pre-puberty story
doesn't count.
Heartbreak before your
period isn't real.
Oh, okay. Uh, I'm gonna
think of a different one.
Ooh! When I was 13.
Uh, no. You hang up first.
I'm not hanging up first!
It's your turn to hang
up first. You go first.
Next!
Okay, uh, I'll go. Alright.
Um...
My worst St. Valentine's.
Uh, the year was 2012, and
I was a besotted young lad
on a hunting trip in
Norfolk with my family
and my girlfriend,
Jacinda Astley.
the estate of my
family's dear friends,
David and Rose, the Marquess
and Marchioness of Cholmondeley.
There was a crisp
breeze that afternoon,
so I went to close the window.
But the curtains, well, were
fluttering so playfully in the draft
that in the end, I
couldn't bear to end
their delightful curtain dance.
Oh, my God! We are telling
Valentine's stories in a bar,
not doing set dec
for soft-core porn.
Well, if you're such a masterful
storyteller, please, regale us.
I would, but all my V-Days
have been straight-up bangers.
Ooh, what about Brendan?
Who's Brendan? Did he suck?
- Ooh. Did he call women "females"?
- Well,
it was freshman year of college.
Sophie and I hadn't met yet,
and I thought I was gonna
be the next Lady Gaga.
Brendan was a graphic design major I'd
been dating for a couple of months.
Hi! I'm Valentina.
Sophie Tompkins.
Is today your favorite
holiday because of your name?
That would be like if
I was... Halloweena!
Not sure exactly what you're on,
but you should have some water.
Great tip. Thanks.
Are you surprising your boyfriend
with a Valentine's Day gift, too?
Yeah.
It's pictures of my butt.
Like, you sat on a copy machine?
No...
Can I be honest with you?
You could do so much
better than Todd.
Todd? Ew! He's legit the
grossest man I've ever met.
Harsh.
Did you ladies come
here just to insult me?
'Cause if you did...
you mind putting these on and
let me turn my webcam on first?
Turns out, Todd was developing
a glam rock musical
version of Charlotte's Web.
It was actually pretty good.
So, if you aren't
here for Todd...
And you're not here for Todd...
- We kissed the same guy?!
- We slept with the same guy?!
Brendan! Legend!
Shut up, Todd!
That lying sack of crap!
That smarmy little ass-clown!
Oh, that sleazy
dick-nosed bastard!
Oh, that butthead!
Are you the Amish exchange
student I heard about?
What? No. I could do better.
That jerk! Oh!
And his hair looks so dumb.
No. His hair looks cool.
He was bald by junior year. Hm.
Sometimes, God is good.
Brendan sucks, and we have
got to break up with him.
Oh, we are going to do way
more than break up with him.
We're gonna get revenge.
God, I find being
around you exhilarating.
So we
grabbed our bats
and went to town
on Brendan's bike.
♪ I dug my key into the side ♪
♪ Of his pretty little
souped-up four-wheel-drive ♪
♪ Carved my name into... ♪
Hey! What are you guys doing?
You cheat on me,
your ride pays the price!
Yeah! Exactly what she said,
but from my perspective!
Uh...
that's not my bike.
So, maybe we tanked
our revenge plan,
but that's the night
I met my BFFTLATN.
What?
Best friends for this
life and the next.
We both believe
in reincarnation.
Yes, we're coming back
as treasured house cats.
- Same house?
- Same estate.
Are you two serious?
How is a story of your adorable
Valentine's Day meet-cute
supposed to make
me feel any better?
- It's not.
- Our bad.
I need something
gut-wrenchingly pathetic.
Jesse?
Fine.
I
was 10 years old.
Hang on, Ellen said no
pre-puberty stories.
Actually, Jesse went through
puberty in third grade.
Whenever he took me to the playground,
all the kids called him "sir."
Today's lunch is fish sticks,
tater tots, fruit cup,
and your choice of
regular or chocolate milk.
Okay, guys, I'll let you in on a
little secret. One girl's advice?
You're gonna wanna go chocolate.
Mariah Moore was
the first girl I ever liked.
We'd never actually talked, but
I knew all I needed to know.
She was super cute, she'd
read all the Animorphs books,
and her parents had
a trampoline. No net.
I love you, Mariah Moore.
I'm at work.
You told a girl you were in
love with her way too soon?
Why does that sound so familiar?
Because he did it to Sophie.
He also did it in middle school.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Fine.
There was one other time.
I love you, Olivia DeMarco.
Um, Jerry, is it?
And then in college.
These
Wall Street fat cats
have stolen from
America's working class!
Yes!
But do you know who really
belongs behind bars?
Clarissa Yang.
Because you stole
my heart, Clarissa.
I love you!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh!
So you say "I love you"
early on to, like, everyone.
Well, you'll be happy to know
that all those people hated it
just as much as you did.
Cool. Noted.
Wait, are you actually
upset about this?
No. I don't care.
- Great.
- Great.
Great.
Sorry.
When I get uncomfortable,
I get Scottish.
Stop glaring at me!
Oh, you don't love that like you
love every woman you lay eyes on?
Alright! Back to me then. Um...
I have processed your critiques,
and I am ready to tell
my story succinctly.
So, we're at Houghton
Hall, awaiting the arrival
of my beloved girlfriend,
Jacinda Astley.
And, uh, I wanted things
to be extra special
because, well, I'd always
had a bit of a thing
for old St Valentine's.
And Jacinda Astley...
was a lady.
And though the Astleys were
incredibly well-esteemed,
their family name had not
gone unmarred by scandal.
Rumor has it, her great-aunt was
sired not by Lord Phillip Astley,
but by a mere stable boy.
Of Wolverhampton!
- No!
- Yes! And it gets even better...
Dude, I'm not no-ing you.
Nobody's listening to you.
True.
They're diverting
Hannah's flight to Houston
'cause someone said they
were having a heart attack.
Like, dude, how hard is it to
just ignore your body's signals
until it's too late
like the rest of us?
So Hannah will get in tomorrow.
Is that such a big deal?
Yes.
Spending Valentine's Day together
is, like, super important to us.
'Cause of our worst one ever.
That sounds awful.
Tell us everything.
Okay, so Hannah and I
are still in med school,
and we just started dating,
so we weren't exclusive yet.
Come on, man! Just have one drink with
me at the McLarens' place downstairs.
Hey...
We can mack on
some sweet Valentine's Day honeys.
Sid, you're not a virgin.
Why are you talking like one?
- Also, you have a girlfriend.
- Hannah is not my girlfriend, okay?
I'm a playboy. I can't be
tied down.
What the...
Look at this photo Hannah just posted.
Why is she all up on this dude?
Whoa. Looks like she's out
being a play girl, huh?
Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.
Dude, I am done playing games.
I gotta go tell Hannah
she's the only one for me,
and you are coming, too!
Alright, fine,
I'll go with you,
but I'm not putting
on real pants, okay?
Because Valentine's Day is
a stupid...
Now, focus. If you
were a gorgeous young med student about
to throw away the love of your life,
- where would you...
- It's a very small apartment, okay?
They're right there.
Okay. Come on. Jesse, dance.
Act like we're having fun.
What? Why? I thought we were
here so you could tell Hannah
- how you feel about her.
- Yeah, I was,
but I'm pissed she's having
so much fun without me.
I want her to see that I have
fun without her, too, you know?
By dancing with me?
Come on, Jesse! We didn't practice
Dougie-ing for nothing, okay?
Ha! Ha!
- Jesse! Running man! Now!
- Are we in a dance-off?
Oh, I am! I don't know
what the hell you're doing!
What's up? What's
up? Wh... Ow! Cramp!
Are you okay?
That is enough! Can you stop
massaging him right now, please?
Hannah, I want to be your boyfriend.
I want you to be my girlfriend.
I want this guy to just go away.
Ha! I knew it.
- Thanks for your help, Drew-shi.
- Of course.
Drew-shi is a dish
best served cold.
Wait, what?
Did you set me up?
- Hell yeah, I did.
- Look, Hannah knew if we made you jelly,
you'd make things official. That's
why I brought out the big guns.
I can do that, too.
Am I doing it?
No...
Look, glad I could
help cupid you guys.
The way she talks about you, I
knew you got something special.
And people who love each other should
be together on Valentine's Day.
That's why I'm gonna go
hang out with my mom. Later.
I can't believe you tricked me.
That's, like, supes immature.
Seriously? You're mad?
Yeah.
You've been acting for weeks like
you don't want to be my boyfriend.
That's immature.
We proceeded to have the kind of awful,
horrible, screaming, crying fight
that you only have in your 20s.
- I hate you.
- I hate you, too!
I love you... Sweatpants Girl.
Seriously?
That one doesn't count!
Have... you met molly?
I also said "I love
you" to my cab driver,
a fat pigeon, a-and a trash can
I could "feel" had a soul.
Anyway, um, that night,
neither of us slept,
and when the sun came up,
we both realized why. Um...
the only thing we really
wanted was each other.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I, uh,
I made you this.
You arranged a bunch of
bagels in the shape of balls?
Huh? No. Oh!
It's supposed to be a heart.
Made of everything
bagels 'cause...
'cause you're my everything.
And you used cream
cheese for the glue!
Mm-hmm.
And we haven't spent
Valentine's Day apart since.
Aw...
Oh, Jesse, those two
old ladies are leaving.
Don't forget to tell
'em both you love 'em.
I really don't get it. How are
you actually pissed about this?
I'm not pissed. I'm... irked.
You guys get why, right?
No. No. Not really.
Oh, my God. Fine.
When you told me you loved
me on our first date,
yes, that freaked me out.
But it also made
me feel... special.
And then hearing that
you've said those same words
to roughly one in
four American women,
that makes me feel...
Less special?
This was way too intimate
to say in front of everyone.
I'm gonna
get a very strong drink.
Oh!
Why am I doing it?
S-so, Ellen? We were thinking...
No, you can't use Ice
Rachel as a vodka luge.
Surprise!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
You're here! HANNAH: I am!
Oh, I pulled a full
"mom from Home Alone"
and cried my way
onto a new flight.
My favorite girl referencing
my favorite movie
on my favorite day of the year?
I
love this holiday!
I have an announcement!
Hello, Hannah. Welcome back.
I have taken your
collective feedback
and distilled my story
into four sentences.
My girlfriend was coming to visit me
in the country for Valentine's Day.
I decided to surprise her by
wearing nothing but whipped cream.
Are the cherries too much?
No. You look scrumptious, sir.
I lay there all night waiting,
and she stood me up.
I wound up with
a broken heart...
and a yeast infection.
Which I didn't even
know men could get.
That's a pretty good
story!
I got a double cheese
pizza from Little Caesar's
for... Ellen Gilbert.
Happy
Valentine's Day, baby.
I figure if we ate the same
thing together on FaceTime,
it'd almost be like
we were together.
This is perfect.
I should have known you
would make today amazing.
Aw...
This is a private moment
between me and my girlfriend!
Just kidding.
We're cute as hell,
and I accept your aw's.
Hey. Look.
Yes, when I was
younger, I threw out
a lot of "I love you's"
with reckless abandon.
Okay? But then, I
stopped. For many years.
- You did?
- I did.
And, you know, after
Meredith left me,
I-I thought I'd never say it
again, and...
then I met you.
Got it.
Thank you for...
clearing that up for me.
I feel less irked.
Good.
Okay, so finish your story.
Wh-what happened to you on
Valentine's Day in third grade?
There was a father-daughter
dance at school,
and I put fliers with my
picture up all over town
in hopes that my dad would see
it and come and surprise me.
Did your dad live in your town?
No idea. My mom only told me
that they slept together one
time at the first Lollapalooza.
- Wow.
- Yeah. She actually said "did the nasty,"
but I was trying to spare you.
Thank you. Okay,
so-so-so what happened?
I stood in the middle
of the dance floor,
hoping my long-lost father would walk
through the door and surprise me.
And after a while, a guy I'd
never seen before showed up.
- Someone else's dad.
- I wish.
Just a neighborhood pervert.
- Oh.
- Security tackled him pretty fast.
But, in retrospect,
putting up pictures of a
little girl with the caption
"Daddy, come dance with
me," was not a good idea.
Oh, my God.
The police said I saved a
lot of lives in the end.
- Huh...
- What?
Well, it's just you have
a real reason to hate this day.
But you just throw on a
smile and spend it with Val
and have a ridiculously
good attitude about it.
H-how do you do that?
What is my other
option? To act like you?
I-I'm serious.
Chocolate helps.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe Valentine's
Day is not that bad.
You see, son, love
just feels good.
Especially on Valentine's Day.
Just ask your dad.
And people who love each other should
be together on Valentine's Day.
I'd always had a bit of a thing
for old Saint Valentine's.
Oh, my God, I love this holiday.
You know, maybe Valentine's
Day is not that bad.
I freaking love Valentine's Day.
He wasn't
even in this story.
Wait, did I miss something?
Different Valentine's Day.
We'll get there.
I'm sure she'll be
here any minute.
- Right, Rupert?
- Of course, she will, sir.
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Then, you'll realize ♪
♪ Here I stand with
my everlasting love ♪
♪ Need you by my side ♪
♪ Girl to be my bride ♪
♪ You'll never be denied
everlasting love ♪
♪ From the very start ♪
♪ Open up your heart ♪
♪ Feel that you're part
of everlasting love ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
♪ Everlasting Love
by Love Affair ♪
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Then, you'll realize ♪
♪ Here I stand... ♪
Mom? Mom? Mom! Mom!
Will you turn that thing off?
I don't know how much longer
I can watch you sensually
dance with a teddy bear!
Ooh, what's that, Teddy?
You think he should pay
for his own college?
Oh, good idea.
You know, your dad
got me one of these
on our very first
Valentine's Day as a couple.
Even before he and
I got together,
he had a soft spot
for Valentine's Day.
I'm just saying, Valentine's
Day is the worst.
Wait, you're grumpy
about Valentine's Day?
What a total curveball!
Do you think it's a
"Hallmark holiday"?
Yeah! I do. It's just an excuse for the
greeting card and chocolate companies...
Alright! Alright.
Not exactly a hot take, man.
Yeah, next, you're gonna say that
TikTok is shortening our attention span.
It is! Our generation
can't even focus...
I don't care what you
think, Love Grinch!
Hannah's en route to the city,
and we are gonna Valentine the crap
out of each other all night long.
I love Valentine's
Day, too. Every year,
I spend it with the
hottest piece in the city.
This little smoke
show right here.
Damn right, she does.
Valentine's Day is
our day. We call it...
Svalentine's Day!
Sorry, isn't that what we all
call it, but with less spitting?
No! It's Svalentine's.
Like Sophie and Valentina's
Valentine's Day.
Svalentine's.
Is it a fresher take if
I hate Svalentine's Day?
I hate this stupid holiday.
Hey, bud. What the hell is this?
It's supposed to be Rachel's
Valentine's Day gift.
Because nothing
says "I love you"
like a romantic
candlelight dinner
under a nude frozen likeness
of the woman you love.
But Rachel's aunt broke her hip,
so she went to Florida to help.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
I know! She's extremely caring!
Sorry. Sorry.
I was really excited for our
first Valentine's Day together,
and now it's ruined.
Does it make you feel
better to know that I've had
a terrible, horrible, no good, very
bad Valentine's Day before, too?
Aw, sweetie, no.
Why would hearing about your
misfortune make me feel any better?
Aw.
Just kidding. It totally would.
Tell me, tell me, tell me!
Okay. I was 8 years old.
I was making cards for all the
important people in my life.
My mom, my mom's
boyfriend, Steve,
my favorite NSYNC member,
Chris Kirkpatrick,
Ruthie and Teck from
The Real World: Hawaii.
Stop right there.
A pre-puberty story
doesn't count.
Heartbreak before your
period isn't real.
Oh, okay. Uh, I'm gonna
think of a different one.
Ooh! When I was 13.
Uh, no. You hang up first.
I'm not hanging up first!
It's your turn to hang
up first. You go first.
Next!
Okay, uh, I'll go. Alright.
Um...
My worst St. Valentine's.
Uh, the year was 2012, and
I was a besotted young lad
on a hunting trip in
Norfolk with my family
and my girlfriend,
Jacinda Astley.
the estate of my
family's dear friends,
David and Rose, the Marquess
and Marchioness of Cholmondeley.
There was a crisp
breeze that afternoon,
so I went to close the window.
But the curtains, well, were
fluttering so playfully in the draft
that in the end, I
couldn't bear to end
their delightful curtain dance.
Oh, my God! We are telling
Valentine's stories in a bar,
not doing set dec
for soft-core porn.
Well, if you're such a masterful
storyteller, please, regale us.
I would, but all my V-Days
have been straight-up bangers.
Ooh, what about Brendan?
Who's Brendan? Did he suck?
- Ooh. Did he call women "females"?
- Well,
it was freshman year of college.
Sophie and I hadn't met yet,
and I thought I was gonna
be the next Lady Gaga.
Brendan was a graphic design major I'd
been dating for a couple of months.
Hi! I'm Valentina.
Sophie Tompkins.
Is today your favorite
holiday because of your name?
That would be like if
I was... Halloweena!
Not sure exactly what you're on,
but you should have some water.
Great tip. Thanks.
Are you surprising your boyfriend
with a Valentine's Day gift, too?
Yeah.
It's pictures of my butt.
Like, you sat on a copy machine?
No...
Can I be honest with you?
You could do so much
better than Todd.
Todd? Ew! He's legit the
grossest man I've ever met.
Harsh.
Did you ladies come
here just to insult me?
'Cause if you did...
you mind putting these on and
let me turn my webcam on first?
Turns out, Todd was developing
a glam rock musical
version of Charlotte's Web.
It was actually pretty good.
So, if you aren't
here for Todd...
And you're not here for Todd...
- We kissed the same guy?!
- We slept with the same guy?!
Brendan! Legend!
Shut up, Todd!
That lying sack of crap!
That smarmy little ass-clown!
Oh, that sleazy
dick-nosed bastard!
Oh, that butthead!
Are you the Amish exchange
student I heard about?
What? No. I could do better.
That jerk! Oh!
And his hair looks so dumb.
No. His hair looks cool.
He was bald by junior year. Hm.
Sometimes, God is good.
Brendan sucks, and we have
got to break up with him.
Oh, we are going to do way
more than break up with him.
We're gonna get revenge.
God, I find being
around you exhilarating.
So we
grabbed our bats
and went to town
on Brendan's bike.
♪ I dug my key into the side ♪
♪ Of his pretty little
souped-up four-wheel-drive ♪
♪ Carved my name into... ♪
Hey! What are you guys doing?
You cheat on me,
your ride pays the price!
Yeah! Exactly what she said,
but from my perspective!
Uh...
that's not my bike.
So, maybe we tanked
our revenge plan,
but that's the night
I met my BFFTLATN.
What?
Best friends for this
life and the next.
We both believe
in reincarnation.
Yes, we're coming back
as treasured house cats.
- Same house?
- Same estate.
Are you two serious?
How is a story of your adorable
Valentine's Day meet-cute
supposed to make
me feel any better?
- It's not.
- Our bad.
I need something
gut-wrenchingly pathetic.
Jesse?
Fine.
I
was 10 years old.
Hang on, Ellen said no
pre-puberty stories.
Actually, Jesse went through
puberty in third grade.
Whenever he took me to the playground,
all the kids called him "sir."
Today's lunch is fish sticks,
tater tots, fruit cup,
and your choice of
regular or chocolate milk.
Okay, guys, I'll let you in on a
little secret. One girl's advice?
You're gonna wanna go chocolate.
Mariah Moore was
the first girl I ever liked.
We'd never actually talked, but
I knew all I needed to know.
She was super cute, she'd
read all the Animorphs books,
and her parents had
a trampoline. No net.
I love you, Mariah Moore.
I'm at work.
You told a girl you were in
love with her way too soon?
Why does that sound so familiar?
Because he did it to Sophie.
He also did it in middle school.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Fine.
There was one other time.
I love you, Olivia DeMarco.
Um, Jerry, is it?
And then in college.
These
Wall Street fat cats
have stolen from
America's working class!
Yes!
But do you know who really
belongs behind bars?
Clarissa Yang.
Because you stole
my heart, Clarissa.
I love you!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh!
So you say "I love you"
early on to, like, everyone.
Well, you'll be happy to know
that all those people hated it
just as much as you did.
Cool. Noted.
Wait, are you actually
upset about this?
No. I don't care.
- Great.
- Great.
Great.
Sorry.
When I get uncomfortable,
I get Scottish.
Stop glaring at me!
Oh, you don't love that like you
love every woman you lay eyes on?
Alright! Back to me then. Um...
I have processed your critiques,
and I am ready to tell
my story succinctly.
So, we're at Houghton
Hall, awaiting the arrival
of my beloved girlfriend,
Jacinda Astley.
And, uh, I wanted things
to be extra special
because, well, I'd always
had a bit of a thing
for old St Valentine's.
And Jacinda Astley...
was a lady.
And though the Astleys were
incredibly well-esteemed,
their family name had not
gone unmarred by scandal.
Rumor has it, her great-aunt was
sired not by Lord Phillip Astley,
but by a mere stable boy.
Of Wolverhampton!
- No!
- Yes! And it gets even better...
Dude, I'm not no-ing you.
Nobody's listening to you.
True.
They're diverting
Hannah's flight to Houston
'cause someone said they
were having a heart attack.
Like, dude, how hard is it to
just ignore your body's signals
until it's too late
like the rest of us?
So Hannah will get in tomorrow.
Is that such a big deal?
Yes.
Spending Valentine's Day together
is, like, super important to us.
'Cause of our worst one ever.
That sounds awful.
Tell us everything.
Okay, so Hannah and I
are still in med school,
and we just started dating,
so we weren't exclusive yet.
Come on, man! Just have one drink with
me at the McLarens' place downstairs.
Hey...
We can mack on
some sweet Valentine's Day honeys.
Sid, you're not a virgin.
Why are you talking like one?
- Also, you have a girlfriend.
- Hannah is not my girlfriend, okay?
I'm a playboy. I can't be
tied down.
What the...
Look at this photo Hannah just posted.
Why is she all up on this dude?
Whoa. Looks like she's out
being a play girl, huh?
Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.
Dude, I am done playing games.
I gotta go tell Hannah
she's the only one for me,
and you are coming, too!
Alright, fine,
I'll go with you,
but I'm not putting
on real pants, okay?
Because Valentine's Day is
a stupid...
Now, focus. If you
were a gorgeous young med student about
to throw away the love of your life,
- where would you...
- It's a very small apartment, okay?
They're right there.
Okay. Come on. Jesse, dance.
Act like we're having fun.
What? Why? I thought we were
here so you could tell Hannah
- how you feel about her.
- Yeah, I was,
but I'm pissed she's having
so much fun without me.
I want her to see that I have
fun without her, too, you know?
By dancing with me?
Come on, Jesse! We didn't practice
Dougie-ing for nothing, okay?
Ha! Ha!
- Jesse! Running man! Now!
- Are we in a dance-off?
Oh, I am! I don't know
what the hell you're doing!
What's up? What's
up? Wh... Ow! Cramp!
Are you okay?
That is enough! Can you stop
massaging him right now, please?
Hannah, I want to be your boyfriend.
I want you to be my girlfriend.
I want this guy to just go away.
Ha! I knew it.
- Thanks for your help, Drew-shi.
- Of course.
Drew-shi is a dish
best served cold.
Wait, what?
Did you set me up?
- Hell yeah, I did.
- Look, Hannah knew if we made you jelly,
you'd make things official. That's
why I brought out the big guns.
I can do that, too.
Am I doing it?
No...
Look, glad I could
help cupid you guys.
The way she talks about you, I
knew you got something special.
And people who love each other should
be together on Valentine's Day.
That's why I'm gonna go
hang out with my mom. Later.
I can't believe you tricked me.
That's, like, supes immature.
Seriously? You're mad?
Yeah.
You've been acting for weeks like
you don't want to be my boyfriend.
That's immature.
We proceeded to have the kind of awful,
horrible, screaming, crying fight
that you only have in your 20s.
- I hate you.
- I hate you, too!
I love you... Sweatpants Girl.
Seriously?
That one doesn't count!
Have... you met molly?
I also said "I love
you" to my cab driver,
a fat pigeon, a-and a trash can
I could "feel" had a soul.
Anyway, um, that night,
neither of us slept,
and when the sun came up,
we both realized why. Um...
the only thing we really
wanted was each other.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I, uh,
I made you this.
You arranged a bunch of
bagels in the shape of balls?
Huh? No. Oh!
It's supposed to be a heart.
Made of everything
bagels 'cause...
'cause you're my everything.
And you used cream
cheese for the glue!
Mm-hmm.
And we haven't spent
Valentine's Day apart since.
Aw...
Oh, Jesse, those two
old ladies are leaving.
Don't forget to tell
'em both you love 'em.
I really don't get it. How are
you actually pissed about this?
I'm not pissed. I'm... irked.
You guys get why, right?
No. No. Not really.
Oh, my God. Fine.
When you told me you loved
me on our first date,
yes, that freaked me out.
But it also made
me feel... special.
And then hearing that
you've said those same words
to roughly one in
four American women,
that makes me feel...
Less special?
This was way too intimate
to say in front of everyone.
I'm gonna
get a very strong drink.
Oh!
Why am I doing it?
S-so, Ellen? We were thinking...
No, you can't use Ice
Rachel as a vodka luge.
Surprise!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
You're here! HANNAH: I am!
Oh, I pulled a full
"mom from Home Alone"
and cried my way
onto a new flight.
My favorite girl referencing
my favorite movie
on my favorite day of the year?
I
love this holiday!
I have an announcement!
Hello, Hannah. Welcome back.
I have taken your
collective feedback
and distilled my story
into four sentences.
My girlfriend was coming to visit me
in the country for Valentine's Day.
I decided to surprise her by
wearing nothing but whipped cream.
Are the cherries too much?
No. You look scrumptious, sir.
I lay there all night waiting,
and she stood me up.
I wound up with
a broken heart...
and a yeast infection.
Which I didn't even
know men could get.
That's a pretty good
story!
I got a double cheese
pizza from Little Caesar's
for... Ellen Gilbert.
Happy
Valentine's Day, baby.
I figure if we ate the same
thing together on FaceTime,
it'd almost be like
we were together.
This is perfect.
I should have known you
would make today amazing.
Aw...
This is a private moment
between me and my girlfriend!
Just kidding.
We're cute as hell,
and I accept your aw's.
Hey. Look.
Yes, when I was
younger, I threw out
a lot of "I love you's"
with reckless abandon.
Okay? But then, I
stopped. For many years.
- You did?
- I did.
And, you know, after
Meredith left me,
I-I thought I'd never say it
again, and...
then I met you.
Got it.
Thank you for...
clearing that up for me.
I feel less irked.
Good.
Okay, so finish your story.
Wh-what happened to you on
Valentine's Day in third grade?
There was a father-daughter
dance at school,
and I put fliers with my
picture up all over town
in hopes that my dad would see
it and come and surprise me.
Did your dad live in your town?
No idea. My mom only told me
that they slept together one
time at the first Lollapalooza.
- Wow.
- Yeah. She actually said "did the nasty,"
but I was trying to spare you.
Thank you. Okay,
so-so-so what happened?
I stood in the middle
of the dance floor,
hoping my long-lost father would walk
through the door and surprise me.
And after a while, a guy I'd
never seen before showed up.
- Someone else's dad.
- I wish.
Just a neighborhood pervert.
- Oh.
- Security tackled him pretty fast.
But, in retrospect,
putting up pictures of a
little girl with the caption
"Daddy, come dance with
me," was not a good idea.
Oh, my God.
The police said I saved a
lot of lives in the end.
- Huh...
- What?
Well, it's just you have
a real reason to hate this day.
But you just throw on a
smile and spend it with Val
and have a ridiculously
good attitude about it.
H-how do you do that?
What is my other
option? To act like you?
I-I'm serious.
Chocolate helps.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe Valentine's
Day is not that bad.
You see, son, love
just feels good.
Especially on Valentine's Day.
Just ask your dad.
And people who love each other should
be together on Valentine's Day.
I'd always had a bit of a thing
for old Saint Valentine's.
Oh, my God, I love this holiday.
You know, maybe Valentine's
Day is not that bad.
I freaking love Valentine's Day.
He wasn't
even in this story.
Wait, did I miss something?
Different Valentine's Day.
We'll get there.
I'm sure she'll be
here any minute.
- Right, Rupert?
- Of course, she will, sir.
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Then, you'll realize ♪
♪ Here I stand with
my everlasting love ♪
♪ Need you by my side ♪
♪ Girl to be my bride ♪
♪ You'll never be denied
everlasting love ♪
♪ From the very start ♪
♪ Open up your heart ♪
♪ Feel that you're part
of everlasting love ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪