How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Universal Therapy - full transcript

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪

Son, what do you know about
the American healthcare system?

That it's free for everyone,

and I don't ever have
to think about it.

Well, before President
Ariana Grande

passed the "Heal U, Next Act,"

people without
insurance had to hustle.

And this is the story of how your
mom had to get a little creative

to get some free therapy.

You woke Daddy! Drink! Yes!



Wow.

We're really running out
of board games to drink to.

Woo! I really needed this.

Tomorrow begins hell
week. We're styling 15 clients

for Lil Nas X's quinceañera.

Wait, what?

He does what he
wants. Now, step off.

Hey.

Uh-oh. What's wrong?

Did your date with
Oscar not go well?

- Oh God, did he recommend a podcast?
- Oh God, was it his?

Oh, God, no.

Actually,

it started off amazing.



Right away, we
were in total sync.

Should we get regular
fries or tots?

Why not both?

Oh, my God! The Potato
Queen has found her king!

I know!

Then, we get to the
end of the date...

and had our first kiss.

There was only one thing.

- Bad breath?
- Tiny mouth.

- Loose tooth!
- Fake ears.

What does that even mean? No.

Ow!

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

Something just poked
me in the chest.

Oh. I know what it is.

There's no way it was that big.

It was.

Flavor Flav would
have been like, "bro!"

I-I don't know if
I can date someone

who would wear that
around his neck.

Alright, let's all go around and give
our hot takes. Okay, I'll go first.

Um...

Necklace? Yeah!

More like wreck this... guy...

Wreck... Hm...

I don't have it.
Somebody else go.

Oh, you know what? Okay. My
college girlfriend used to have

these hideous hoop earrings.
I hated them, right?

But I didn't know
how to tell her.

Luckily, I walked in on her
cheating on me with her TA.

Was that helpful?

Man!

This is why I started therapy.

Whenever I can't decide something,
I just ask Dr. Dominguez.

Ooh! Maybe you could ask her

if I'm making too big
a deal of the necklace.

- I don't know.
- Oh, please!

Come on. My insurance only
kicks in if my TV breaks.

U-uh, Sophie?

That's a warranty.

Soph, I don't think so.

We're about to work on my crippling
problem with people pleasing...

Please?

Okay, I'll do it!

What's up, fam?

I'm back from visiting
the wifey in Cali,

but I've missed you, too.

Okay. We need better regulars.

Uh, but it's good to be
back. How are things?

- Yeah, great.
- Yeah?

And, uh, a-and you'll
be happy to know

that nothing went wrong
whilst you were gone.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God!

Why do we have 10 new
cases of flavored rosé?

Eh...

Oh no. You got swindled
by a hot sales rep.

That is completely false.

It's an adventurous flavor.

Do you consider
yourself adventurous?

Oh, very.

I did not get swindled because
mint rosé is delicious.

- It tastes like liquefied ass!
- Give me that.

You wonder why you
don't have any regulars?

What do you mean Jared Leto
wants to come to the gala

draped in an Icy
Hot patchwork quilt?

I'll call you back. Hey!

What are you doing here?

Uh, my temp agency sent
me. Is this your...

Office. Yeah. I needed an assistant
to help me with hell week.

Wait. Since when
are you temping?

Since I quit both my jobs to go on
tour. And then, I quit the tour.

And then I realized that being alive
actually costs a lot of money, so...

So, why don't you
go back to teaching?

Oh. Well, uh, Drew and I didn't
exactly end things on the best terms.

Jesse, every music teacher who
quits to become a rock star

eventually comes back.

This is broken. Hm...

Look, Mr. Baskin left to
play drums for Tame Impala.

And you know what
happened to him?

Didn't he choke to
death on a taquito?

He did.

While on the six train
heading back here to teach.

Moral of that story is
everybody comes back.

Dead or alive.

And when you come
crawling back to me, yeah.

I'll probably take you in off the
streets. I'm a nice guy, Jess.

But I'll make you say,

"Who's my daddy?

Drew's my daddy."

So clearly, I can never go back.

No, you cannot.

Valentina! Where are my
coconut Behave Gummies?

They're in your left pants
pocket, Fred.

Oh. So, they are. Sonia!

Tape up my throwing printer,

so he's ready for my
afternoon tantrum!

On it. Hey,

did you get my email
about taking off Friday

for my sister's wedding?

It's a hard no.

She probably doesn't
even want you there.

But...

I'm officiating.

Still want the job?

Uh, sadly, I do.

Uh, hey, but do me a favor. Can
we just keep this between us?

All our friends look up to me.

Don't worry. I got you.

Okay. Great. Coffee?

Sure. What can I get you?

Uh, no, I was asking
if you want coffee.

Right. Oh, because
you work for me!

I'll have a tall
soy vanilla latte.

You got it, boss.

Boss.

Boss.

Boss!

So, last week,

we started unpacking
why your marriage ended.

And continuing to do that

would be extremely beneficial
to my mental health.

But, first,

I wanna talk about
a big necklace.

See, I've been...
seeing someone.

You mean Rachel, right?

Right.

Because I told you about
my girlfriend, Rachel.

Anywho, she's been wearing
an insanely large necklace...

Really?

This is going in the notes
you're making about me,

off of which you'll draw conclusions
about my psychological makeup?

Perf! Perf.

You're self-sabotaging.
You really like Oscar,

so you're using the necklace as a
reason to jump ship before you get hurt.

That sounds like
me. Keep talking.

You need to ask him about it.

The more you feel connected to
Oscar, the less it'll bother you.

Damn! She's good. I
love my new therapist.

Hey.

Does your therapist
have any tips

on how to get rid of 10 cases
of winter fresh doo-doo water?

Nope, but I do.

Add a celeb's name to this crap,
and the world will slurp it up!

Just like when we all went crazy for
Stanley Tucci's Two-Cheese Tortellini.

Oh! Oh! And Christina
Ricci's Three Cheese Ravioli!

That's brilliant! Oh, maybe
something off the word "mint." Uh...

Mint Romney!

No.

Uh, it needs to be

someone people have
welcomed into their homes,

day after day, year after year.

You know, someone
trustworthy, but feisty.

Tough, but fair.

Judge Judy.

Judy Juice!

I love her! She makes wine?

She does now.

I had a
great time tonight.

I've never seen someone
eat four hot dogs.

Well, it was a buy three, get one free,

and I was trying to impress you.

- Can I ask you something?
- Mm.

What's the story
behind the necklace?

Yeah. I know it's kind of a lot.

My mom passed away
six months ago.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

And that was her necklace?

This is my mom.

You mean it was your mom's?

It is my mom. We turned her
ashes into this diamond.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Why should
your loved one rot in the ground

when they could rest in
peace around your neck?

Okay. I know before that
I was self-sabotaging,

but this is a legitimate
deal-breaker, am I right?

I say go for it. But
you're burying the lede.

What do they do with the bones?

Check this out though. My Judy
Juice post already has 300 likes!

Told ya! I am carrying
this whole group.

Oh! There it is. Judy Juice.

It has begun.

Ellen, I need you
to ask Dr. Dominguez

if Oscar's necklace makes
him a sweet mama's boy

- or a total freak.
- Sophie, no.

- Ellen.
- Sophie.

So, the necklace is Rachel's
dead mom in diamond form.

- Fascinating.
- Mm-hmm.

But I thought her grandmother
was the one that died.

They're both dead. Gas leak.

All this death must have a profound
impact on your relationship.

It has a profound impact on something!
I'll tell you that!

People grieve in
all kinds of ways.

So, in time, Oscar
will likely realize

that he carries his
mom with him in spirit.

- So, not a freak?
- Not a freak.

- So, I can do him?
- Yep.

That was...

Incredible.

God, I love therapy.

- Sorry, what'd you say?
- Oh!

Just more stuff about
how good you are at sex.

Mm! It's got bite!

It's also down-to-earth
and decisive.

- Just like Judy.
- The jury's still out.

JK, I love it.

Another bottle! If
it please the court.

Call the reps,
order 10 more cases.

We're gonna be rich.

Can you proofread this text
I'm about to send to you?

There's no space between
"dip" and "shit."

Great. Go ahead and
make that change,

and then send it to yourself.

Okay. Here are all the dresses
that Kaia Gerber said no to.

Apparently, they're "too haute and
barely couture." Are those words?

Stop talking. Where are
we with those pumps?

Those are supposed to be greige.

Do those look greige to you?

Uh, I don't really know what greige is.
Also, I had to google what pumps are.

Greige is gray beige,
pumps are heels,

and you are a dipshit!

Do you need me to
write it on your face?

- Wow.
- Good, Valentina, good.

Good
morning, beautiful.

I went a little crazy and
made you breakfast in bed.

What, no bacon?

Oh, my God, I was kidding,
but gimme.

Hey...

Do you think the
necklace is weird?

Be honest.

I think, maybe with time,

you'll realize that your
mom is with you in spirit,

and you won't always
have to... wear her.

Wow. That's actually
really perceptive.

I know!

It's like, what am I,
some brilliant therapist?

Wow. A-are you sure?

Adiós, Mamá.

I'm sure.

Oh.

And then we made love...

necklace-lessly.

That was...

Incredible.

But it wasn't.

And that's when I
realized to have good sex,

Oscar needed his mom.

I hate it here.

What is taking so long?!

If Paul Giamatti doesn't get his
kilt, I'm gonna have you kilt!

Okay, you know what? Enough, alright?
You're acting like a straight-up monster.

- What? No, I'm not.
- Look at your arm right now!

You're about to throw
that bottle at me!

Huh? Oh!

Oh God!

I am so sorry.

It's okay.

Honestly, your cruelty is just
the tip of the iceberg for me.

No girlfriend, no job prospects.

My hip popped earlier,
so add that to the list.

So, what do we do? How
do we fix ourselves?

Come on! Just ask
your therapist,

"How can I keep working for a
monster without becoming one?"

Yeah, and I need to figure out
how to get my self-worth back.

There wasn't much to begin
with, but it was all mine.

Hey!

Step away from my therapist!

I need you to ask Dr. Dominguez

if Oscar's mom necklace could be
related to his performance in bed.

Like, he has it on,
the sex is good.

He has it off, the sex is bad.

Does he feel guilty for taking
it off? Should he put it back on?

No, no, no, no, no. Don't
waste another minute of therapy

on Sophie's stupid thing, okay?

- Help me figure out my terrible life!
- And mine.

Okay! Okay. I will ask her
about all of your problems.

But this is the last time

because after this,
I'm focusing on Ellen.

I have a lot of issues that
I really need to unpack...

- You're the best.
- I love you!

You two guys
own this place?

- Look, look! That's Judge Judy!
- Oh, my God!

Uh, ahem, Your Honor!

Uh, t-to what do we
owe the pleasure?

Pleasure? I don't see
much pleasure here.

I was home, enjoying
a rare day off.

Just relaxing. Got
a bing on my phone.

Looked down, Instagram,
and there I was.

Selling wine.

Judy Juice.

I said to myself, you know,
I don't remember making wine,

so I'm gonna ask you one time.

What the hell is
going on around here?

- You tagged her official account?
- I wanted it to look legit.

Somebody pour me a glass of me.

Now. Thank you.

Oh, that's awful. Uh...

who's responsible
for this photograph?

Well, it was definitely a group effort,
but I certainly took the lead with it...

Th-that was rhetorical.

What are all these people
doing, drinking this swill?

See, Your Honor, they don't
care what it tastes like.

They are totally blinded
by their Judy Love.

Fantastic!

- This is me?
- Yes, Your Honor.

- You two guys gonna behave yourselves?
- Yes, Your Honor.

Perfect.

Jerry, bring around the car!

I shoulda got a picture.

I've got a lot of
problems this week,

so let's jump right in!

Val, you need to quit Fred Z.

Wow. Great
advice, Dr. Dipshit.

Yeah, I
gotta get outta there.

And Jesse, you can get
your self-worth back

by being around people who make
you feel good about yourself.

Oh, great, so I gotta
meet new people.

And Sophie? Forget
about the necklace.

If you really like this guy,

you need to be mature
and communicate with him

about what you need
from him sexually.

What? Ew!

Oh, that sounds so embarrassing.

Maybe you didn't ask her right?
Could you just go back...

No! I can't go back!
Okay, thanks to you guys,

I don't have a
therapist anymore.

I'm diagnosing you with UFS.

Uninsured Friend Syndrome.

Oh...

So she dropped me as a patient.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go self-soothe,

like I used to before
I had a therapist,

and watch that part in Aladdin

where he uses his
third wish to...

Shame on you guys.

It was working perfectly when
it was just me and Ellen.

And that's when it hit me.

People like wine.
People like me.

Put those hands together,

and you got Judy Juice.

Hm. What a firecracker.

You know, there's a moment where
I really thought the three of us

were gonna become
an inseparable trio.

Seriously?

I'm in the middle of
Aladdin 2: Return of Jafar.

He comes back?!

No, not about me. Ellen!

We hope you don't have
plans next Tuesday at 6:00.

I do. That's when my
bocce league meets.

Well, call 'em and reschedule!

You can't reschedule
a whole league.

- Shut up! We're doing a thing!
- Yeah! We got you Dr. Dominguez back!

Really? How?

Let's just say, we made some
pretty persuasive arguments.

Please! Please!
Please! Please! Please!

Do it!

Oh, you guys!

You used your overbearing
personalities for good, not evil.

We had to get her back for you.

And she really is the best
therapist. I took her advice.

Okay, Drew.

You were right. I am back.

I quit the tour, and this
is the last job I had

where people actually made
me feel good about myself.

All the kids were bright-eyed,

would say super-cute
things like,

"Don't worry, Mr. Jesse!

When you grow up, your life
will be easier."

Stupid kids.

I'm gonna need to
hear you say it, Jess.

Who's my
daddy? Drew's my daddy.

Yes! Welcome back. I can't
believe you actually said it.

She helped with my thing, too.

Listen up, pendejo.

You treat the office supplies
better than your employees.

When you destroy our spirits,

I don't see you taping
us back together!

But that all ends
today because I quit!

There she is.

He promoted me.

You are now looking at the
new junior stylist for Fred Z.

And the job comes
with vacation day!

Day or days?

Day.

She was right about Oscar, too.

I should have just tried
to communicate my needs,

but instead...

I had an idea I
wanted to run by you.

What if, to... spice things up,

I kept all my jewelry
on while we did it.

Okay.

Oh, wait, that would
be so weird! Because...

Uh, well, you wouldn't
have any jewelry on.

Oh! I know.

You could put
on your mom necklace...

Sophie, what's going on?

You were just...

so good when you wore it.

I mean her.

He dumped me on the spot.

- I'm Team Oscar on this one.
- Me, too.

Same.

I'm just gonna
say this one time.

It was a magic sex necklace.

Gave him powers.

How was that for you?

It was nice.

Screw it.

♪ Just you and I... ♪

♪ You know, I need
you, baby, by my side ♪

Oh, Oscar!

Mom, there's
no way that happened.

It's what I think happened.

I wrote a short story about
it. I'm gonna send it to you.

Please don't.

♪ Pearls ♪

♪ Emeralds in rings ♪

♪ None of these jewels ♪

♪ Show me a thing ♪

♪ I want only ♪

♪ Only, only ♪

♪ Your love... ♪