How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- Being in a new
relationship is great,
but everyone has a past.
And back when I was young,
technology had a way of bringing
that past into the present.
- So, after I took the kid's
phone, I turn around and said,
"Not on my school bus."
[loud, forced laughter]
- That is so funny! [laughs]
- Big laugh for a boring story,
followed with a
little arm squeeze.
You guys are, like, really
into each other, huh?
- Hello. Hello. Hello.
[cheering]
Drushi!
- Oh, that's what we
called Drew in college
because his dorm room
always smelled like fish.
- I didn't know you
were coming to town.
- Yeah, I convinced my attending
to clear my surgeries
for the weekend,
so we could check out some wedding venues.
- Mm-hmm!
Guys, I think we found
the perfect venue.
Creation at Wicker Farm.
[impressed oohing]
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's this gorgeous hotel
restaurant upstate.
We're gonna spend the
weekend there, do a tasting,
and they told us we can
invite two extra people. So...
- Yes! In! I am creating a
road trip playlist as we speak.
Text me the route because
I want Life Is a Highway
to kick in the moment
we pull onto...
an actual highway? Huh?
- We were gonna ask
Sophie and Drew.
- Sophie and Drew
just started dating.
I'm not sure they're ready
for a weekend getaway.
- They've been
dating for a month.
- No, I know, I know. It's
just that, you know, uh,
a weekend getaway's a big step,
and I'm sure these two don't want
that just sprung on them like that.
- We're in!
- Oh great!
- Good. Fantastic.
- Oh... good...
SID: Jesse,
this is like a couple's thing,
you know? You're a lone wolf.
- Cool euphemism for
pathetically single.
But, actually,
you're way off, okay?
I just started seeing this
totally awesome girl named Mia.
And I like her so much, I've even come
up with one of those cute little...
punny... couple names for us.
Mia and Jesse. We're Messy.
- Hello, customers!
[overlapping greetings] I
hope you all like beer...
because I forgot what
you actually ordered.
- Hey, Charlie, here's a copy of
your start papers and your passport.
No idea why I photocopied it
because you working here is,
like, completely illegal.
- Man! You've been everywhere.
You were in Brazil
six months ago?
- Yes. On a family trip.
- I dated a Brazilian once.
I didn't speak Portuguese,
he didn't speak English,
so we had to speak
with our bodies,
and those conversations
went deep.
- Hoo-yeah!
- [nervous laugh] Another charming tale.
I do love it when
you casually work
your previous sexual exploits
into conversation. It's such fun!
- Oh, Charlie!
First paycheck.
New job. New apartment.
I'm going to throw a lavish
housewarming dinner party this weekend
to celebrate my many
accomplishments.
Ellen.
You can invite that lucky lady who swiped
your post-divorce V-card last week.
- What?
[impressed oohing]
- No, no, no. I-I'm
not inviting her.
Alright, fine. Just us then.
- Sorry to miss it. Sid and I
are actually taking a weekend
trip with Drew and Stacey.
Sophie.
Sorry.
- Oh. [scoffs]
It's okay.
Who is Stacey?
- My ex was named Stacey.
Uh, we hung out with
Sid and Hannah a lot
when we were together, hence the mix-up.
- Oh.
- Sorry. Won't happen again.
- Already forgotten about it.
I can't stop thinking about it!
Like, I need to know
who this Stacey girl is,
but I have no idea
how to find her!
- And I found her.
- What? How?
- Simple. Sid is
friends with Hannah,
so I found her account,
went to her tagged photos,
scrolled back until I found a pic
of Hannah with a Staceycakes92
where both S's are dollar signs.
But Staceycakes is obvi gay,
so I started looking for girls who
comment on Hannah's posts a lot,
and found a Stacey Fletcher,
who always says Hannah's
outfits are fire.
So, I clicked on her IG,
scrolled back a couple of years,
and boomshakalakaboom.
Sophie meet Stacey,
or Stacey circa two years
ago when she was dating Drew.
- How many boardwalks did
they eat ice cream on?
This is not what I needed to
see right before Drew and I
have sex for the first time.
- You haven't had sex yet?
So, that's why you nerds were so
giggly about your romantic weekend.
- Yeah. And I like
that we waited.
Plus, doing it for the first
time in a bougie-ass hotel
is romantic as balls.
Now, I'm just gonna be comparing
myself to Stacey the whole time
and thinking about how she can roller
skate backwards in a sun dress.
- Soph, everyone has exes.
Do not get in your
head about this.
Repeat after me.
I... am...
sex.
- [quietly]: I... am... sex.
- Louder.
I! Am! Sex!
- I! Am! Sex!
NEIGHBOR: We get it! You're
sex! Shut the hell up!
♪
- Voilà! A dining table.
[clattering]
- Ellen, are we eating on Amazon boxes
covered in your unicorn bed sheets?
- Pottery Barn Kids is way
cheaper than Pottery Barn regular.
Is that all the food?
- Unfortunately, yes.
I may have overestimated how far
a bartender's paycheck would go.
- Why didn't you just
buy cheaper stuff?
- Cheaper stuff? What
do you want me to do,
serve chunks of pepper
jack and pigs in a blanket?
This is the first dinner
we're hosting, Ellen.
Tonight will set the tenor
for our entire social lives.
- Dude, we're eating dinner with
my brother and your girlfriend
on a table made of boxes.
[knocking]
- Oh my god, they're here already!
Alright, Ellen. Remember,
we are the hosts.
If we're having fun,
they're having fun.
Ready?
[forced laughter] Hello!
Ellen was just telling me the
most winning of anecdotes.
Come in! Come in!
- Uh, guys, this is Mia.
Mia, this is Charlie, and
this is my sister Ellen.
Mia. Hi.
It is so nice to meet
you. For the first time.
- Oh, is that real leopard?
- No, this is a shirt
with a design on it.
- Still, how would you feel if I
had your skin printed on a shirt?
- Mia is an activist.
She's really passionate
about her causes,
which I find to be
really inspiring.
- Mia! I would like to give you the tour.
[laughs] Uh...
This is the living-dining-kitchen-
guest-bed-breakfast-nook-foyer-room,
and over here is...
[whispers]: Hello, Mia.
- Hello, woman who never
responded to my many voice texts
after using me for sex.
- Shh...
- Oh, it is you!
I was drinking an iced coffee,
and you shouted at me for using a straw
even though it actually was made of paper.
- Shh! Look,
I think it would be best if
Jesse doesn't find out...
we...
- Oh, I'm not comfortable lying.
I leave that to the politicians.
- Please. He's coming
off a really bad breakup.
If he finds out that the first
girl he's been into since his ex
slept with his sister...
[whispers]: it'll
scar him for life.
- Plus, this is our first
social event together,
and a brother and sister having
shared a lover is a bit unseemly.
- Fine. I'll keep your secret,
but only because I would
never want to hurt Jesse.
You are lucky I'm an empath.
- Disaster averted. Now,
shall we give everyone
their one oyster?
♪
- Welcome to Creation
at Wicker Farm.
I'm Grant Rose.
♪ Classical music ♪
The owner.
- Uh, yeah, no, I could tell.
Um, I own a bar in Manhattan.
We both have BOE...
Big owner energy.
- [laughs] Creation
is the world's first
hyper-local restaurant.
All of our food is
sourced from the farm,
but everything else you see here
was also made from materials
found on the property.
- Wow! So, the-the
entire building?
- Built from cedar trees
from the forest behind us.
- What about the host?
[Drew laughs]
You didn't make him? [laughs]
- Actually, I did. He's my son!
ALL: Oh!
Conceived in the room
you're actually staying in.
- Kinda gross.
[restaurant chatter]
- This place is super romantic.
Hope our room has the same vibe.
- I know it will 'cause
we're staying in it.
[both click tongues]
[inhales]
I am sex...
[sighs]
Wait a sec.
♪
He took Stacey here.
What nerd created
this devil app?
[sighs]
[pouring]
- I am very excited for this risotto.
♪ Soft music ♪
- Why? You had it before?
- No, just hungry.
- Oh.
I only ask because I-I saw
you walk to the... bathroom,
and it seemed like you
really knew your way around.
- Hm. Well, I've
never been here,
but I'm glad to know you
like to watch me walk away.
- I like cute butts,
and I cannot lie.
- Sid, I am definitely
picking up on your BOE.
- Oh my god, BOE is happening...
- What made you decide
to open your own place?
- Well, I grew up in India,
and like all good Indians,
my dad and I spent our
afternoons watching
movies about New York City.
♪ In springtime in New York... ♪
♪
SID: So, my family
moved to New York,
I studied hard, got
into med school.
That's where Hannah and I met.
She was born to be a doctor.
Me?
Not so much.
But, I did love the bar where I
spent hours and hours studying,
and I loved the
man who owned it.
Archie.
And then one day...
♪
Archie passed away,
and suddenly, what I had
to do was crystal clear.
So, I took out a loan
and bought the bar.
It was a big swing, but
felt like the right decision
And, uh,
Hannah supported
me the entire time.
- Hm. Of course I did.
GRANT: Wow, what an
incredible story.
And equally incredible,
our lobster risotto...
with an edible fork...
made of focaccia.
- [whispers]: Wait a second.
♪
- Everything okay?
- Mm-hmm!
BRB.
- I remember those sheets...
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
[nervous laugh]
- Everyone, please
pluck one leaf
and pass it to the left.
So, a pluck... [grunts]
and pass. Give it a go.
I tell you, I do feel
sorry for Sophie and Sid.
They are missing the
party of the century.
[plucking] I said
one leaf, Mia.
- I hope Sophie's doing okay.
She was really in her head
about Drew's ex before she left.
I wish she was more... Zen.
Like Charlie. He doesn't care at
all when I talk about my exes.
- No, not at all.
[nervous laugh]
Now, is anyone following
the Polo Premier League?
- My relationship
history is an open book.
Books, actually.
And it's a long one. [laughs]
- Actually, Valentina,
I hate it, alright?
VALENTINA: Really? Why?
I wouldn't care if you talked
about your exes at all.
- Alright, fine.
Remember when you were
looking through my passport,
and I said I went to
Brazil on a family trip?
Well, I lied. I went
there for a girl.
ELLEN/JESSE: Ooh...
- So, you had a fling
with a woman in Brazil.
Good for you.
- Actually, it was a
bit more than that.
I moved to Brazil...
to be with her.
ELLEN/MIA/JESSE: Ooh...
- Oh.
So, I'm not the only woman you've
moved to another country for.
Cool. [thud]
Fun.
- [voice cracking]:
More wine, anyone?
♪
- Let's prove you're
lying, you lying liar.
Ha! I knew it.
Of course, Stacey's handwriting's
[mocking]: in cursive.
We get it. You're smart.
[shutter snaps]
♪
- And that is the entire
Wikipedia entry on colonialism.
- [sighs] Wow.
- Wow.
- Hey, just a few of
super-chill follow-up questions
to that fun story you told
about the Brazilian girl...
- Valentina, I was just proving a point
that nobody likes to hear about exes.
Okay? No need to dwell on it.
- I don't care
that you have exes.
I care that, apparently,
you moved across the world
for another girl.
- Girls, okay?
It's happened more than once.
- What?!
- Jesse?
I don't want our relationship to
start on a lie like theirs did.
I slept with your sister.
- What?!
- Damn it!
[gags]
- That dinner was amazing.
I mean, I think we
found our venue, huh?
- Did you just rent a movie
without asking me which one?
- What? I got the Eternals because your
celebrity crush is buff Kumail Nanjiani.
Hold up.
You definitely have a
type. [Hannah sighs]
- I cannot believe you just made
another decision without consulting me!
- Okay, this is not
about the movie, is it?
- No, Sid.
This is about you
quitting medical school,
so you could upend our
lives and buy a bar.
I thought I was past it, but
hearing you tell that story tonight,
it just brought up all
these old feelings in me.
I never would have made a decision
like that without talking to you.
- Hannah, I'm sorry if I
hurt your feelings, but,
like, what's done is done.
- "What's done is done"?
That's what you have to say?
- What's done is done...
please?
[door shuts]
- I am gonna freshen up
real quick, so our night...
[snap] can begin.
That was so lame. Can I take that back?
- Uh-huh.
- Great. See you soon.
[muttering]: You're
an idiot! Be sexier.
- [quietly]: Well, Drew
definitely brought Stacey here,
and he's lying to me about it.
- Are you drunk?
- The only thing I'm
drunk on is hard truth.
I'm sending you proof.
[notification whooshes]
Did you get it?
- Not yet.
- Oh, no.
I meant to DM you, but
instead, I DMed Stacey.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, she's
definitely gonna reach out to Drew
and tell him I'm crazy!
- Almost as crazy as
someone who follows
[loudly]: women around the world,
like a horny Carmen San Diego!
So, what are you going
to do about Drew?
♪
- Something stupid.
[inhales]
- Hey, there...
[Sophie whimpering]
[vending machine banging]
[sighs]
- Sophie? What are
you doing out here?
- I screwed up.
What are you doing out here?
- I screwed up, too.
[phone beeping] [sighs]
Oh!
- Ooh, seems like
you screwed up more.
- [mocking]: Oh, you
screwed up more! Ha, ha!
- Sorry, I'm just
trying to... [scoffs]
wrap my head around this. Uh...
when exactly did the two
of you sleep together?
- Monday night. When
did you guys meet?
- Tuesday morning.
I met her at a coffee shop
on my way to your place.
♪
Hi.
- Hi.
- Okay, that timeline is, uh...
chill.
You know what, I'm not gonna
let a... quirky coincidence
stand in the way of me
and my relationship.
- Wow, you must
be amazing in bed.
- She's just okay.
- I haven't actually slept with her yet.
Oh my god!
VALENTINA: So...
let's do a deep dive
here on the old passport.
I say a country, you
say why you went there.
Portugal.
- Girl.
- Spain.
- Tapas.
It was a girl.
- Hey, what's your Wi-Fi?
I need to tweet a bomb
threat to Panera Bread
for their appropriation
of poppy seeds.
- How do you appropriate a seed?
- Oh, if you don't know,
you're part of the problem.
- I can't do this anymore.
Mia, you are the worst.
- Finally! How did you
not see it earlier?
- I saw it! I'm just
trying to power through
'cause I'm so sick
of being single!
It should be me at
that dinner tonight.
- Because you miss hanging
out with Sid and Hannah,
or because you wanna
be with Sophie?
- What?
The first one, obviously.
- I don't know who any of
those people are. I'm outtie.
- I'm gonna go, too, Charlie.
- Look, please don't leave like this.
Look, I-I swear you're not
just part of some pattern.
Alright, this time, it really is diff...
- I don't believe you.
♪
[notification chimes]
- What am I gonna do?
I need to get into Drew's
phone to delete Stacey's texts
before he sees them and
realizes I did something crazy!
[texting stops]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What just happened?
- Hm.
- Why did the texts disappear?
- Yeah, Drew probably
read them on his laptop.
[whimpers]
- This is so unfair!
He's the one who lied
about being here,
and now, I look like
the psycho. [sighs]
- Okay, Sophie...
I don't know exactly what's
going on with you and Drew,
but you don't need to
worry about Stacey.
Stacey's just an ex.
Everyone has an ex.
- Not me.
I mean, I've dated
a ton of guys,
but I've never...
actually been in a
serious relationship.
It always fizzles out before
it gets to that point.
- Well, at least you don't
steamroll your partner
by making major life decisions
without consulting her.
- Is that why you're out here, buying an
apology Kit Kat from the vending machine?
- Guilty.
Yeah, apparently Hannah
hasn't forgiven me
for derailing our life plan by
buying a bar without asking her.
- Why didn't you? Ask her?
- I don't know.
I spent the first 27 years of my
life trying to make my parents happy.
Then I met Hannah, I wanted
to make her happy, too.
And with the bar, I just
finally wanted to do something
that would make me happy.
And I knew if I didn't just,
like, propel my body to that bank
and apply for that loan,
I'd end up chickening out.
You know?
♪
- Do you think if you
had asked Hannah first,
that she wouldn't
have supported you?
- Ah, she would have.
Definitely would have.
[laughs] Messed up.
Hey, I know it's super scary
to go all-in on a relationship.
And, from what I know
about your childhood,
you probably feel like the rug could be
ripped out from under you at any second.
- Yeah.
I do.
- But, if it's the
right person...
things can work out.
I promise.
[Sophie sighs]
- Let's go talk to our people.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey! Hey, now!
You're seriously gonna go back there
without a peace offering Kit Kat?
[laughs]
You really haven't
been in a relationship.
- Listen.
I have known for
a very long time
that I've had to escape from
my petty, stifling family.
And, yes, I have often
followed women across the world
as a way of doing that.
But it's never felt right.
Until now.
And I've figured out how
I'm gonna prove it to you.
[sighs]
- What are you doing?!
- I'm proving to you that you are
not just part of some pattern.
I'm not going
anywhere, Valentina.
Oh my god, this is really hot!
[both scream]
- What the hell is your
passport made out of?!
- I soaked it in lighter
fluid on the way over.
I was going for high drama!
- That was... sweet.
Look, just so you know,
I wouldn't usually spiral
in such a lame basic way
about you having
exes. There were...
extenuating circumstances.
- What were they?
- I...
♪
Love you.
- I love you, too.
♪
♪
- From now on,
I want you to be a part of
every big life decision I make
until we die together at 98.
Mid-penetrayshe.
- Thank you.
But you know, I don't
wanna die mid-penetrayshe.
I want us to die drinking
Cadillac margaritas
on safari because our IRAs
are so well-funded. [laughs]
♪
- Well,
both of those
things can be true.
Man, we are gonna ruin
so many people's safari.
[laughs]
♪
BOTH: I'm sorry.
- Me first.
I'm sorry I stole your phone
and called your ex a bitch.
- And I'm sorry for lying to
you about having been here.
I just didn't want to
explain how I got into, like,
a huge blowout fight with
Stacey at the same place
we're having a romantic weekend.
- [scoffs] According
to the Gram,
and the guest book,
you guys had the best
night of your lives.
You even did that thing where you
touch index fingers with your thumb,
so you can make a heart.
That's hard to do. My god, do
I have early-onset arthritis?
- Can I show you something?
Zoom in on her sunglasses.
Yeah, we got into a
huge fight at dinner
about how 90% of
our relationship
was spent posing for photos.
It was the worst trip ever,
and I went to Fyre Festival.
Stupid Ja Rule.
- Well, I know how we
can turn this place
from a bad memory
into a good one.
♪ I never felt this way ♪
♪ So in love, whoa... ♪
FUTURE SOPHIE: And right there,
in that hotel room, he...
SOPHIE'S SON [on video]: Mom!
- What?
SOPHIE'S SON: Can you please not
graphically describe your sex life to me?
- Prude!
♪ So in love ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ So in love ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ One heart, let it beat ♪
♪ One voice ♪
♪ Mm, let it sing ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Do it for one... ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- Being in a new
relationship is great,
but everyone has a past.
And back when I was young,
technology had a way of bringing
that past into the present.
- So, after I took the kid's
phone, I turn around and said,
"Not on my school bus."
[loud, forced laughter]
- That is so funny! [laughs]
- Big laugh for a boring story,
followed with a
little arm squeeze.
You guys are, like, really
into each other, huh?
- Hello. Hello. Hello.
[cheering]
Drushi!
- Oh, that's what we
called Drew in college
because his dorm room
always smelled like fish.
- I didn't know you
were coming to town.
- Yeah, I convinced my attending
to clear my surgeries
for the weekend,
so we could check out some wedding venues.
- Mm-hmm!
Guys, I think we found
the perfect venue.
Creation at Wicker Farm.
[impressed oohing]
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's this gorgeous hotel
restaurant upstate.
We're gonna spend the
weekend there, do a tasting,
and they told us we can
invite two extra people. So...
- Yes! In! I am creating a
road trip playlist as we speak.
Text me the route because
I want Life Is a Highway
to kick in the moment
we pull onto...
an actual highway? Huh?
- We were gonna ask
Sophie and Drew.
- Sophie and Drew
just started dating.
I'm not sure they're ready
for a weekend getaway.
- They've been
dating for a month.
- No, I know, I know. It's
just that, you know, uh,
a weekend getaway's a big step,
and I'm sure these two don't want
that just sprung on them like that.
- We're in!
- Oh great!
- Good. Fantastic.
- Oh... good...
SID: Jesse,
this is like a couple's thing,
you know? You're a lone wolf.
- Cool euphemism for
pathetically single.
But, actually,
you're way off, okay?
I just started seeing this
totally awesome girl named Mia.
And I like her so much, I've even come
up with one of those cute little...
punny... couple names for us.
Mia and Jesse. We're Messy.
- Hello, customers!
[overlapping greetings] I
hope you all like beer...
because I forgot what
you actually ordered.
- Hey, Charlie, here's a copy of
your start papers and your passport.
No idea why I photocopied it
because you working here is,
like, completely illegal.
- Man! You've been everywhere.
You were in Brazil
six months ago?
- Yes. On a family trip.
- I dated a Brazilian once.
I didn't speak Portuguese,
he didn't speak English,
so we had to speak
with our bodies,
and those conversations
went deep.
- Hoo-yeah!
- [nervous laugh] Another charming tale.
I do love it when
you casually work
your previous sexual exploits
into conversation. It's such fun!
- Oh, Charlie!
First paycheck.
New job. New apartment.
I'm going to throw a lavish
housewarming dinner party this weekend
to celebrate my many
accomplishments.
Ellen.
You can invite that lucky lady who swiped
your post-divorce V-card last week.
- What?
[impressed oohing]
- No, no, no. I-I'm
not inviting her.
Alright, fine. Just us then.
- Sorry to miss it. Sid and I
are actually taking a weekend
trip with Drew and Stacey.
Sophie.
Sorry.
- Oh. [scoffs]
It's okay.
Who is Stacey?
- My ex was named Stacey.
Uh, we hung out with
Sid and Hannah a lot
when we were together, hence the mix-up.
- Oh.
- Sorry. Won't happen again.
- Already forgotten about it.
I can't stop thinking about it!
Like, I need to know
who this Stacey girl is,
but I have no idea
how to find her!
- And I found her.
- What? How?
- Simple. Sid is
friends with Hannah,
so I found her account,
went to her tagged photos,
scrolled back until I found a pic
of Hannah with a Staceycakes92
where both S's are dollar signs.
But Staceycakes is obvi gay,
so I started looking for girls who
comment on Hannah's posts a lot,
and found a Stacey Fletcher,
who always says Hannah's
outfits are fire.
So, I clicked on her IG,
scrolled back a couple of years,
and boomshakalakaboom.
Sophie meet Stacey,
or Stacey circa two years
ago when she was dating Drew.
- How many boardwalks did
they eat ice cream on?
This is not what I needed to
see right before Drew and I
have sex for the first time.
- You haven't had sex yet?
So, that's why you nerds were so
giggly about your romantic weekend.
- Yeah. And I like
that we waited.
Plus, doing it for the first
time in a bougie-ass hotel
is romantic as balls.
Now, I'm just gonna be comparing
myself to Stacey the whole time
and thinking about how she can roller
skate backwards in a sun dress.
- Soph, everyone has exes.
Do not get in your
head about this.
Repeat after me.
I... am...
sex.
- [quietly]: I... am... sex.
- Louder.
I! Am! Sex!
- I! Am! Sex!
NEIGHBOR: We get it! You're
sex! Shut the hell up!
♪
- Voilà! A dining table.
[clattering]
- Ellen, are we eating on Amazon boxes
covered in your unicorn bed sheets?
- Pottery Barn Kids is way
cheaper than Pottery Barn regular.
Is that all the food?
- Unfortunately, yes.
I may have overestimated how far
a bartender's paycheck would go.
- Why didn't you just
buy cheaper stuff?
- Cheaper stuff? What
do you want me to do,
serve chunks of pepper
jack and pigs in a blanket?
This is the first dinner
we're hosting, Ellen.
Tonight will set the tenor
for our entire social lives.
- Dude, we're eating dinner with
my brother and your girlfriend
on a table made of boxes.
[knocking]
- Oh my god, they're here already!
Alright, Ellen. Remember,
we are the hosts.
If we're having fun,
they're having fun.
Ready?
[forced laughter] Hello!
Ellen was just telling me the
most winning of anecdotes.
Come in! Come in!
- Uh, guys, this is Mia.
Mia, this is Charlie, and
this is my sister Ellen.
Mia. Hi.
It is so nice to meet
you. For the first time.
- Oh, is that real leopard?
- No, this is a shirt
with a design on it.
- Still, how would you feel if I
had your skin printed on a shirt?
- Mia is an activist.
She's really passionate
about her causes,
which I find to be
really inspiring.
- Mia! I would like to give you the tour.
[laughs] Uh...
This is the living-dining-kitchen-
guest-bed-breakfast-nook-foyer-room,
and over here is...
[whispers]: Hello, Mia.
- Hello, woman who never
responded to my many voice texts
after using me for sex.
- Shh...
- Oh, it is you!
I was drinking an iced coffee,
and you shouted at me for using a straw
even though it actually was made of paper.
- Shh! Look,
I think it would be best if
Jesse doesn't find out...
we...
- Oh, I'm not comfortable lying.
I leave that to the politicians.
- Please. He's coming
off a really bad breakup.
If he finds out that the first
girl he's been into since his ex
slept with his sister...
[whispers]: it'll
scar him for life.
- Plus, this is our first
social event together,
and a brother and sister having
shared a lover is a bit unseemly.
- Fine. I'll keep your secret,
but only because I would
never want to hurt Jesse.
You are lucky I'm an empath.
- Disaster averted. Now,
shall we give everyone
their one oyster?
♪
- Welcome to Creation
at Wicker Farm.
I'm Grant Rose.
♪ Classical music ♪
The owner.
- Uh, yeah, no, I could tell.
Um, I own a bar in Manhattan.
We both have BOE...
Big owner energy.
- [laughs] Creation
is the world's first
hyper-local restaurant.
All of our food is
sourced from the farm,
but everything else you see here
was also made from materials
found on the property.
- Wow! So, the-the
entire building?
- Built from cedar trees
from the forest behind us.
- What about the host?
[Drew laughs]
You didn't make him? [laughs]
- Actually, I did. He's my son!
ALL: Oh!
Conceived in the room
you're actually staying in.
- Kinda gross.
[restaurant chatter]
- This place is super romantic.
Hope our room has the same vibe.
- I know it will 'cause
we're staying in it.
[both click tongues]
[inhales]
I am sex...
[sighs]
Wait a sec.
♪
He took Stacey here.
What nerd created
this devil app?
[sighs]
[pouring]
- I am very excited for this risotto.
♪ Soft music ♪
- Why? You had it before?
- No, just hungry.
- Oh.
I only ask because I-I saw
you walk to the... bathroom,
and it seemed like you
really knew your way around.
- Hm. Well, I've
never been here,
but I'm glad to know you
like to watch me walk away.
- I like cute butts,
and I cannot lie.
- Sid, I am definitely
picking up on your BOE.
- Oh my god, BOE is happening...
- What made you decide
to open your own place?
- Well, I grew up in India,
and like all good Indians,
my dad and I spent our
afternoons watching
movies about New York City.
♪ In springtime in New York... ♪
♪
SID: So, my family
moved to New York,
I studied hard, got
into med school.
That's where Hannah and I met.
She was born to be a doctor.
Me?
Not so much.
But, I did love the bar where I
spent hours and hours studying,
and I loved the
man who owned it.
Archie.
And then one day...
♪
Archie passed away,
and suddenly, what I had
to do was crystal clear.
So, I took out a loan
and bought the bar.
It was a big swing, but
felt like the right decision
And, uh,
Hannah supported
me the entire time.
- Hm. Of course I did.
GRANT: Wow, what an
incredible story.
And equally incredible,
our lobster risotto...
with an edible fork...
made of focaccia.
- [whispers]: Wait a second.
♪
- Everything okay?
- Mm-hmm!
BRB.
- I remember those sheets...
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
[nervous laugh]
- Everyone, please
pluck one leaf
and pass it to the left.
So, a pluck... [grunts]
and pass. Give it a go.
I tell you, I do feel
sorry for Sophie and Sid.
They are missing the
party of the century.
[plucking] I said
one leaf, Mia.
- I hope Sophie's doing okay.
She was really in her head
about Drew's ex before she left.
I wish she was more... Zen.
Like Charlie. He doesn't care at
all when I talk about my exes.
- No, not at all.
[nervous laugh]
Now, is anyone following
the Polo Premier League?
- My relationship
history is an open book.
Books, actually.
And it's a long one. [laughs]
- Actually, Valentina,
I hate it, alright?
VALENTINA: Really? Why?
I wouldn't care if you talked
about your exes at all.
- Alright, fine.
Remember when you were
looking through my passport,
and I said I went to
Brazil on a family trip?
Well, I lied. I went
there for a girl.
ELLEN/JESSE: Ooh...
- So, you had a fling
with a woman in Brazil.
Good for you.
- Actually, it was a
bit more than that.
I moved to Brazil...
to be with her.
ELLEN/MIA/JESSE: Ooh...
- Oh.
So, I'm not the only woman you've
moved to another country for.
Cool. [thud]
Fun.
- [voice cracking]:
More wine, anyone?
♪
- Let's prove you're
lying, you lying liar.
Ha! I knew it.
Of course, Stacey's handwriting's
[mocking]: in cursive.
We get it. You're smart.
[shutter snaps]
♪
- And that is the entire
Wikipedia entry on colonialism.
- [sighs] Wow.
- Wow.
- Hey, just a few of
super-chill follow-up questions
to that fun story you told
about the Brazilian girl...
- Valentina, I was just proving a point
that nobody likes to hear about exes.
Okay? No need to dwell on it.
- I don't care
that you have exes.
I care that, apparently,
you moved across the world
for another girl.
- Girls, okay?
It's happened more than once.
- What?!
- Jesse?
I don't want our relationship to
start on a lie like theirs did.
I slept with your sister.
- What?!
- Damn it!
[gags]
- That dinner was amazing.
I mean, I think we
found our venue, huh?
- Did you just rent a movie
without asking me which one?
- What? I got the Eternals because your
celebrity crush is buff Kumail Nanjiani.
Hold up.
You definitely have a
type. [Hannah sighs]
- I cannot believe you just made
another decision without consulting me!
- Okay, this is not
about the movie, is it?
- No, Sid.
This is about you
quitting medical school,
so you could upend our
lives and buy a bar.
I thought I was past it, but
hearing you tell that story tonight,
it just brought up all
these old feelings in me.
I never would have made a decision
like that without talking to you.
- Hannah, I'm sorry if I
hurt your feelings, but,
like, what's done is done.
- "What's done is done"?
That's what you have to say?
- What's done is done...
please?
[door shuts]
- I am gonna freshen up
real quick, so our night...
[snap] can begin.
That was so lame. Can I take that back?
- Uh-huh.
- Great. See you soon.
[muttering]: You're
an idiot! Be sexier.
- [quietly]: Well, Drew
definitely brought Stacey here,
and he's lying to me about it.
- Are you drunk?
- The only thing I'm
drunk on is hard truth.
I'm sending you proof.
[notification whooshes]
Did you get it?
- Not yet.
- Oh, no.
I meant to DM you, but
instead, I DMed Stacey.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, she's
definitely gonna reach out to Drew
and tell him I'm crazy!
- Almost as crazy as
someone who follows
[loudly]: women around the world,
like a horny Carmen San Diego!
So, what are you going
to do about Drew?
♪
- Something stupid.
[inhales]
- Hey, there...
[Sophie whimpering]
[vending machine banging]
[sighs]
- Sophie? What are
you doing out here?
- I screwed up.
What are you doing out here?
- I screwed up, too.
[phone beeping] [sighs]
Oh!
- Ooh, seems like
you screwed up more.
- [mocking]: Oh, you
screwed up more! Ha, ha!
- Sorry, I'm just
trying to... [scoffs]
wrap my head around this. Uh...
when exactly did the two
of you sleep together?
- Monday night. When
did you guys meet?
- Tuesday morning.
I met her at a coffee shop
on my way to your place.
♪
Hi.
- Hi.
- Okay, that timeline is, uh...
chill.
You know what, I'm not gonna
let a... quirky coincidence
stand in the way of me
and my relationship.
- Wow, you must
be amazing in bed.
- She's just okay.
- I haven't actually slept with her yet.
Oh my god!
VALENTINA: So...
let's do a deep dive
here on the old passport.
I say a country, you
say why you went there.
Portugal.
- Girl.
- Spain.
- Tapas.
It was a girl.
- Hey, what's your Wi-Fi?
I need to tweet a bomb
threat to Panera Bread
for their appropriation
of poppy seeds.
- How do you appropriate a seed?
- Oh, if you don't know,
you're part of the problem.
- I can't do this anymore.
Mia, you are the worst.
- Finally! How did you
not see it earlier?
- I saw it! I'm just
trying to power through
'cause I'm so sick
of being single!
It should be me at
that dinner tonight.
- Because you miss hanging
out with Sid and Hannah,
or because you wanna
be with Sophie?
- What?
The first one, obviously.
- I don't know who any of
those people are. I'm outtie.
- I'm gonna go, too, Charlie.
- Look, please don't leave like this.
Look, I-I swear you're not
just part of some pattern.
Alright, this time, it really is diff...
- I don't believe you.
♪
[notification chimes]
- What am I gonna do?
I need to get into Drew's
phone to delete Stacey's texts
before he sees them and
realizes I did something crazy!
[texting stops]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What just happened?
- Hm.
- Why did the texts disappear?
- Yeah, Drew probably
read them on his laptop.
[whimpers]
- This is so unfair!
He's the one who lied
about being here,
and now, I look like
the psycho. [sighs]
- Okay, Sophie...
I don't know exactly what's
going on with you and Drew,
but you don't need to
worry about Stacey.
Stacey's just an ex.
Everyone has an ex.
- Not me.
I mean, I've dated
a ton of guys,
but I've never...
actually been in a
serious relationship.
It always fizzles out before
it gets to that point.
- Well, at least you don't
steamroll your partner
by making major life decisions
without consulting her.
- Is that why you're out here, buying an
apology Kit Kat from the vending machine?
- Guilty.
Yeah, apparently Hannah
hasn't forgiven me
for derailing our life plan by
buying a bar without asking her.
- Why didn't you? Ask her?
- I don't know.
I spent the first 27 years of my
life trying to make my parents happy.
Then I met Hannah, I wanted
to make her happy, too.
And with the bar, I just
finally wanted to do something
that would make me happy.
And I knew if I didn't just,
like, propel my body to that bank
and apply for that loan,
I'd end up chickening out.
You know?
♪
- Do you think if you
had asked Hannah first,
that she wouldn't
have supported you?
- Ah, she would have.
Definitely would have.
[laughs] Messed up.
Hey, I know it's super scary
to go all-in on a relationship.
And, from what I know
about your childhood,
you probably feel like the rug could be
ripped out from under you at any second.
- Yeah.
I do.
- But, if it's the
right person...
things can work out.
I promise.
[Sophie sighs]
- Let's go talk to our people.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey! Hey, now!
You're seriously gonna go back there
without a peace offering Kit Kat?
[laughs]
You really haven't
been in a relationship.
- Listen.
I have known for
a very long time
that I've had to escape from
my petty, stifling family.
And, yes, I have often
followed women across the world
as a way of doing that.
But it's never felt right.
Until now.
And I've figured out how
I'm gonna prove it to you.
[sighs]
- What are you doing?!
- I'm proving to you that you are
not just part of some pattern.
I'm not going
anywhere, Valentina.
Oh my god, this is really hot!
[both scream]
- What the hell is your
passport made out of?!
- I soaked it in lighter
fluid on the way over.
I was going for high drama!
- That was... sweet.
Look, just so you know,
I wouldn't usually spiral
in such a lame basic way
about you having
exes. There were...
extenuating circumstances.
- What were they?
- I...
♪
Love you.
- I love you, too.
♪
♪
- From now on,
I want you to be a part of
every big life decision I make
until we die together at 98.
Mid-penetrayshe.
- Thank you.
But you know, I don't
wanna die mid-penetrayshe.
I want us to die drinking
Cadillac margaritas
on safari because our IRAs
are so well-funded. [laughs]
♪
- Well,
both of those
things can be true.
Man, we are gonna ruin
so many people's safari.
[laughs]
♪
BOTH: I'm sorry.
- Me first.
I'm sorry I stole your phone
and called your ex a bitch.
- And I'm sorry for lying to
you about having been here.
I just didn't want to
explain how I got into, like,
a huge blowout fight with
Stacey at the same place
we're having a romantic weekend.
- [scoffs] According
to the Gram,
and the guest book,
you guys had the best
night of your lives.
You even did that thing where you
touch index fingers with your thumb,
so you can make a heart.
That's hard to do. My god, do
I have early-onset arthritis?
- Can I show you something?
Zoom in on her sunglasses.
Yeah, we got into a
huge fight at dinner
about how 90% of
our relationship
was spent posing for photos.
It was the worst trip ever,
and I went to Fyre Festival.
Stupid Ja Rule.
- Well, I know how we
can turn this place
from a bad memory
into a good one.
♪ I never felt this way ♪
♪ So in love, whoa... ♪
FUTURE SOPHIE: And right there,
in that hotel room, he...
SOPHIE'S SON [on video]: Mom!
- What?
SOPHIE'S SON: Can you please not
graphically describe your sex life to me?
- Prude!
♪ So in love ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ So in love ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ One heart, let it beat ♪
♪ One voice ♪
♪ Mm, let it sing ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Do it for one... ♪