How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
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- We all have a blind
spot for our parents.
We want to believe
they're perfect,
but the truth is... SOPHIE'S
Oh wow,
are you finally
admitting you have flaws?
- No, I'm talking
about other people's parents.
I am perfect. Now,
stop interrupting.
- Great! Okay, I'll
see you tonight.
- Ooh! Was that Drew?
- Yes.
He invited me to game
night with his friends.
- Mm! Look at you.
- Okay, can you just
do normal vowels?
- This is a big step
in the relationship.
Meeting his friends,
pretending to like game nights.
- No, this is not a big step.
Ha!
- Knock, knock!
- Mom! Hey!
What are you doing here?
- What do you think?
Honey, I wouldn't
miss your birthday.
- Ah.
My birthday was a week ago.
- Well, it was
supposed to be today.
It's not my fault
you came early.
Actually, it's a
little my fault.
They say sex in
the third trimester
can really move things along.
- On the plus side,
I got to see Woody Harrelson's
penis from the inside.
- He came early, too.
- Oh, Mom!
- This is the worst episode
of Gilmore Girls ever.
- Come on! We're going to
brunch. You can meet my friends.
But, you cannot hit on
Val's hot British boyfriend.
- I would never.
- You remind me
of a young Sting.
And you smell like him, too.
- Mom.
- Uh, how do you know
what Sting smells like?
- Oh, honey, I know what
all the greats smell like.
I made the most of
my modeling days,
back when I modeled.
I used to be a model.
- Wait, were you a model?
- So, this is a
new Bloody recipe.
Just let me know what you, uh...
: Hello.
Oh, Sid.
This is my mom.
- Uh... I... just realized
I only put one olive in
these.
What is this? The
Oliveless Garden?
- That was weird, right?
Someone should go ask him if he's okay.
- Totally.
Not it!
- Uh, Mom, tonight I have
game night, but tomorrow,
do you wanna do that thing
where we go to Times Square
and we tell tourists
wrong directions?
- But I'm only
here till tomorrow,
and I want you to meet
my new boyfriend, Ash.
- Oh. Hm.
There's a new boyfriend?
- Yeah, he and his band have
a show tonight in Brooklyn,
and then we're off to Austria
for his European tour.
So, you got to come
meet him tonight.
- Sophie can't go.
Like she said, she's got plans.
- It's fine. I'll be there.
- Great! You'll love him.
Oh, I got to go. I
have cryotherapy.
Hey, you should all try it.
Keep it cold, it won't get old.
I will see you tonight.
You're all invited.
- There we go, all better.
And look at that. Darn. Oh.
I missed Sophie's mother.
Your loss.
She's a delight. If you name a rock
star, she's probably smelled them.
- She is the best. Which is...
why it's such a bummer she
chooses the worst guys.
And then they blow up her life,
and I have to pick up the pieces.
I guess I'm going
to be convincing her
to dump this musician before
she winds up stranded in Vienna,
sobbing in her schnitzel.
Anybody want to keep me company?
- Of course. Babe?
- Hm?
Well, I had set aside tonight
to try and figure out what to
do with the rest of my life.
It's gonna get pathetic,
spending my days
swapping recipes with the
old yentas in our building.
Well, I'm in.
Right after I watch The Good Fight
starring my queen, Christine Baranski.
- I wouldn't miss it.
- Oh. Great. Show's
at the Happy Idiot.
- I'm missing it.
I-I-I... The Happy Idiot is
where I proposed to Meredith.
I can't ever go back. I'd
be way too traumatized.
- Yep. I can't go either,
out of solidarity with Jesse.
- No, that's fine...
- No, no!
Solidarity.
- Okay, someone really
needs to go talk to him now.
Not it! JESSE:
Not it! Oh...
- Jesse, I have
wonderful news for you.
I have finally figured
out my calling.
I have decided to help
those suffering from trauma.
And you are going to
be my first patient!
- Okay, slow down.
How did you figure out
this was your calling?
- A wonderful question, patient.
You see, my rarefied upbringing
has left me with virtually
no practical life skills,
but no one has had
more therapy than I.
- Oh, I didn't know
you were in therapy.
- Was I ever!
See, when I was a boy,
my mother caught me
talking to one of her wigs.
She put me in therapy
shortly after,
and Dr. Wallace helped
me realize the wigs
were just a substitute
for my mother's affection.
And I haven't had a conversation
with a wig in months.
- Wait, months?
- And now,
I'm going to pour
everything I've learned
into healing others. Jesse,
you are a traumatized mess.
You can't go to the Happy Idiot.
You call yourself a musician,
but you haven't played that
keyboard since I met you.
I mean, look at it!
Begging to be touched.
Like one of my mother's long,
silky Saturday night wigs.
- Okay. Hey, listen. Uh...
Why the hell not? Alright,
take your best shot.
- Great!
We will start with
exposure therapy.
Jesse, when was the last time you
watched this viral video of yours?
- Oh, I've never seen it.
I'd be way too traumatized.
- Well, that's where we'll start.
- All cued up.
- Wait, you have it bookmarked?
- Yeah, of course.
You're my best friend.
- Alexa, play The Good Fight.
Here's The Good Fight.
- Thanks, boo.
Got my Baranski, got my BLT.
Everything's coming up Ellen.
Aw!
This rotten tomato is 0% fresh!
- Save some for the rest of us.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm kidding. Go nuts.
My grandma would be happy.
She hated wasted food.
She also hated
smartphones, slow waiters,
and Zooey Deschanel's
whole vibe.
I'm Rachel. I make
jokes when I'm sad.
- I'm Ellen. I whistle Head, Shoulders,
Knees, and Toes when I'm anxious.
- These are from my
favorite brunch spot.
They get all of their produce
from this biodynamic farm upstate.
Sorry, I'm kind of a produce
nerd. You don't care about this.
- Yes, I do.
I own a lettuce farm.
- No way.
So, how did you
know my grandmother?
Great question.
We were...
best friends.
I'm sorry again.
It's just the only
night my mom's in town.
- I totally get it.
I mean, I'm gonna have to be
my own charades partner though,
which is slightly awkward.
I'm going to be all
like, one word. Movie.
I know! I know!
Jumanji! Woo!
That's my friends. I gotta
go. I'll call you later.
- Yeah, of course. Thanks
again for understanding.
Okay, prepare yourself, alright?
Knowing my mom's track record,
Ash is probably some Jeff
Bridges-looking dude,
guzzling Jim Beam and doing
lines off a filthy coffee table.
- Stop making me miss college!
Mom!
- Hey, girls!
You made it.
- And you must be Ash.
- Oh . No, no, no.
I'm Ash's tour manager Brad.
- Oh - Oh, uh, this is Ash.
- Hey.
Sophie. I've heard
so much about you.
- Are you legally allowed
to be in this bar?
- I can assure you, I
am a very mature 27.
I've already had a colonoscopy.
- Ash! Our sex life
is our business.
- Oh yeah? God,
is she always this funny?
- Well, he's not Jeff Bridges.
Probably doesn't know
who Jeff Bridges is,
and to be honest,
I don't either.
Your mom is fine, Soph. You
can still make it to Drew's.
- No, they always
seem okay at first.
Okay, trust me, this
guy is bad news.
You know what? I know
what's going on here.
I bet he's a gold digger
who thinks my mom has money.
Wait till he finds out
she got nada en el banco.
- We've talked about you
doing the Spanglish thing.
- Sorry.
Okay, you go get a
drink with my mom.
I'm gonna grill my
teenage stepdad.
- Teenage Stepdad would
be a great Nickelodeon show.
- You're right. Let's
add it to the Google Doc.
- There's some kinks to work
out with my grandma trust,
but it looks like I'm going
to get this apartment.
- Wow. Cool.
I can Airdrop you
photos and stuff.
- These were Gamgam's
favorite pair.
Think I could pull them off?
- Yes.
They accentuate
your perfect neck.
- So, tell me. How did
you become best friends
with an 85-year-old woman?
- Um, well...
One day, I was, um,
making a ruckus in
my kitchen, and...
she came over to complain.
I said I loved her brooch,
and the rest is herstory!
- Hey, you want to
get out of here?
I kind of have this thing
where post-death rituals
really bum me out.
- You're so weird.
- I was raised in Fresno,
along with my twin sisters,
AKA my everything,
and I've always loved music.
I'm no Jason Mraz, AKA
my other everything,
but I get to do what I love.
You know, and that
is the ultimate gift.
- Aw, that's sweet.
Hm. You know what else is sweet?
Sugar.
And if you're a little sugar
baby looking for a treat,
you're barking up
the wrong mama.
- What?
- Are you with my
mom for her money?
Because she doesn't
have any! ASH: Sophie,
I know your mom is broke.
She's also beautiful
and alive and free.
To be honest...
I'm kind of falling
in love with her.
Jesse, I'm sorry.
I-I...
He's so
sad he pissed himself.
- No, didn't... That's
not even a thing!
I just spilled my
Cosmo on my pants.
He drinks Cosmos!
He's my aunt in the '90s!
- I have just one question.
- Because they're sweet and
tart, and they make me happy!
- No. My question was
how did watching
it make you feel?
- Oh. Uh...
Okay? I guess? I don't know.
I-I've been building up so much
in my head, seeing it wasn't...
that bad.
- Brilliant. Then, we can
move on to the next step
and return to the
scene of the crime.
- You know what? Screw
it. I'm ready. Let's go.
- Yes. Gentlemen,
to the Happy Idiot.
- I can't go!
Sophie's mom took my
masturbation virginity.
- So, Ash seems great.
- Oh, yeah. Ash is the best.
He'll only do it to Jason Mraz,
but I put in earplugs, so
it works.
Oh! If you'll excuse me, I
gotta wish my man good luck
before he goes on.
- Hello, New York!
Did somebody light a fire?
Because here comes Ash.
- What are you up to, Lori?
Unbelievable!
Oh, now I remember
who Jeff Bridges is.
- It was the summer
after seventh grade.
I'd just come back from my favorite
place in the whole damn world.
Spencer's Gifts.
I'd gone there to buy one of
those sick-ass lava lamps.
But then, I found
something even better.
That night, I set
everything up just so.
- I don't want you to
see this, Slim Shady.
But just when I
got down to business,
something horrible happened.
Sid,
I'm doing laundry.
- Big deal. So, she caught
you pulling your Paddington.
- Oh, no, no, no. I'm not done.
Siddhartha?
Are you awake?
- Slim Shady?
Please stand up.
- I finished later that
night, after I buried him.
I finished after I buried him!
I really thought I was over it,
but seeing Lori just made
it all come flooding back.
- Sid...
Let me heal you, too.
- Sophia, I need to tell you something.
- Me first.
You were right about Ash.
He's just a sweet
guy who loves my mom.
What if she's finally going to
be happy after all this time?
There you are!
Oh!
- Hiya! Charlie, a word.
You're chummy with
all the old neighbors.
Tell me everything you know
about Esther from down the hall.
- Esther Lebowitz? Oh, she's a delight.
She's teaching me how to make borscht.
- No, she's not. She's dead.
- She was so full of life.
- Not anymore.
She's full of dead.
And, I told her granddaughter
Rachel over there
that I was her best friend
because I think Rachel might
be the love of my life.
- How can that be
Esther's granddaughter?
Esther didn't have any children.
Her birds were her children.
Oh my god, are you
in love with a bird?
- Not this time!
Why would Rachel pretend to
be someone's granddaughter?
She was talking about moving
into Esther's apartment,
and she was grabbing
jewelry by the handful,
and she wanted to leave the
shiva after, like, 10 minutes!
What if she was doing...
Elder fraud!
- Wow! Maybe it's kind of
cute how smitten she is.
What if they get married?
We should start buying penis-shaped
things for the bachelorette.
- Ash and your mom
aren't getting married.
- What? Well, how
do you know that?
- Have you ever considered...
that your mom might not pick
bad guys, but that she might...
be the bad guy? Soph,
I've met a few of her
boyfriends over the years,
and they've all
seemed totally fine.
She's the one who blows
things up, and each time,
you drop everything
to take care of her.
- You're... way off.
It's definitely the guys.
- Like I said, total blind spot.
- I saw her kissing
Ash's manager.
- Oh.
I just need a-a minute.
- I can't believe I've been
beating myself up all day
about pretending to
know your grandma.
- Wait, you didn't
know my grandma?
- Cut the crap!
You're not a granddaughter.
You're an elder frauder!
- Ooh, quick question. Um,
did you say Etsy Lebowitz
or Esther Horowitz?
Because, um, funny story.
Um, Lebowitz didn't have
kids, but Horowitz did.
- Which Witz are you?
- Horowitz, you lunatic.
- Hm...
Sorry for the mix-up.
And sorry for your loss,
God.
- Look, I-I know it's gonna be
hard for me to come back from this,
but I'd like to try.
- Goodbye forever, Ellen.
I guess I'll probably have to see
you around the apartment building.
Please don't acknowledge me.
- I'm not giving up on us!
I know where you live!
I didn't mean that as a threat!
- I did say sorry.
- Right now, when you see Lori,
you revert to an
ashamed little boy
who killed his best friend.
And then masturbated
shortly afterwards.
- That's right.
- But you're a man now.
So, I want you to march over
to Lori, buy her a drink,
and prove to yourself
that you are not that
little boy anymore.
That's what Slim Shady
would have wanted.
- For Slim Shady.
Hi, Lori.
- Oh.
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Sure.
- Uh, can we get two
whiskeys, please?
One for me, and one
for the beautiful lady.
- Oh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
You have yourself a
beautiful evening, Lori.
- Good night, Sid.
Hm. Beer.
- Okay. You did it.
You healed me. You healed me!
- I did! Oh my god, I did.
Alright. One down, one to go. Jesse?
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're going to love this.
I've convinced the house managers
to let you take to the stage
at the end of the night
and perform a song.
- Wait, what?!
- Mom? Can we talk?
Mom.
Are you cheating on
Ash with his manager?
- What?
Of course not.
- Valentina saw you kissing him.
- Okay, fine.
Ash is adorable.
It's just...
I have chronic wanderlust.
I mean,
classic Sagittarius, am I right?
- Mom.
All those times we had
to pick up our lives
and start over,
was it the guys or was it you?
- It was me not settling.
I won't be made to feel
bad for wanting fireworks.
- Fireworks.
We had to move 13 times.
I never had any real friends.
I didn't have a
place to call home.
I don't have any
childhood photos
because every time we moved,
we packed lighter and lighter.
But somehow,
that bikini poster
always made the cut.
- That poster is special to me.
- I know.
"Mommy had the best side
boob in the business"
was my first full sentence.
- Oh no, that's not what I mean.
You're in the poster.
It was taken the day I found
out I was pregnant with you.
That's why it's special to me.
I haven't done a lot of things
right with my life, Sophie.
But I look at that photo,
and I see the best
thing I ever did.
I see you.
Do you think maybe we
could go someplace quiet?
Have a glass of wine and
talk about this Ash stuff?
- No. We can't.
- Oh.
- I love you, Mom.
But, I have plans
of my own tonight.
Hey.
You were right about my mom.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- You think I can still
make it to Drew's?
- Oh, definitely. Game
nights last forever.
It's one of the many
reasons they're so terrible.
Now, go get your man.
- Uh, hey, everyone. Um,
some of you might recognize me
from a certain viral video
but now that I'm back here
at the scene of the crime,
I just want to say I'm
ready to move on, New York.
Uh, I'm not going to let that
one night define me. Okay.
What is this? I didn't order this.
- A Cosmopolitan.
- Hey, Carrie Bradshaw.
That's from me.
- Okay, just so we're clear. A Cosmo
is a classic cocktail, alright?
- Your mom's a classic cocktail.
- Don't you talk about my mom!
You know what, I'm gonna quit before
this goes viral, too. Thanks, everyone!
That was... not great, but
it's a good first step.
So, thank you, Charlie.
- I should be the one thanking you.
You guys have helped me to
confirm my dream career.
To be a psychiatrist.
Eight years of school?
Alright, uh, to
be a psychologist.
Seriously?!
Well, there must be something I can do
where I can listen to people's problems,
offer up sage advice,
and get paid for it
without having to
go to any school.
- I'm probably gonna
regret this but, um...
- I'll take it!
I don't get it,
Mom. Why'd you tell me this story?
It was mostly about
you and Grandma.
- True,
but I couldn't eventually
wind up with your dad,
until I faced my
stuff with my mom.
Faced who she was,
how she hurt me.
And that night, when I
walked out of that bar,
I started to.
- Hey! I hope I didn't
miss the whole thing.
Oh. You're going. Okay.
Uh, four words. First word.
Happy?
Two? See...
I'm happy to see you, too.
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- We all have a blind
spot for our parents.
We want to believe
they're perfect,
but the truth is... SOPHIE'S
Oh wow,
are you finally
admitting you have flaws?
- No, I'm talking
about other people's parents.
I am perfect. Now,
stop interrupting.
- Great! Okay, I'll
see you tonight.
- Ooh! Was that Drew?
- Yes.
He invited me to game
night with his friends.
- Mm! Look at you.
- Okay, can you just
do normal vowels?
- This is a big step
in the relationship.
Meeting his friends,
pretending to like game nights.
- No, this is not a big step.
Ha!
- Knock, knock!
- Mom! Hey!
What are you doing here?
- What do you think?
Honey, I wouldn't
miss your birthday.
- Ah.
My birthday was a week ago.
- Well, it was
supposed to be today.
It's not my fault
you came early.
Actually, it's a
little my fault.
They say sex in
the third trimester
can really move things along.
- On the plus side,
I got to see Woody Harrelson's
penis from the inside.
- He came early, too.
- Oh, Mom!
- This is the worst episode
of Gilmore Girls ever.
- Come on! We're going to
brunch. You can meet my friends.
But, you cannot hit on
Val's hot British boyfriend.
- I would never.
- You remind me
of a young Sting.
And you smell like him, too.
- Mom.
- Uh, how do you know
what Sting smells like?
- Oh, honey, I know what
all the greats smell like.
I made the most of
my modeling days,
back when I modeled.
I used to be a model.
- Wait, were you a model?
- So, this is a
new Bloody recipe.
Just let me know what you, uh...
: Hello.
Oh, Sid.
This is my mom.
- Uh... I... just realized
I only put one olive in
these.
What is this? The
Oliveless Garden?
- That was weird, right?
Someone should go ask him if he's okay.
- Totally.
Not it!
- Uh, Mom, tonight I have
game night, but tomorrow,
do you wanna do that thing
where we go to Times Square
and we tell tourists
wrong directions?
- But I'm only
here till tomorrow,
and I want you to meet
my new boyfriend, Ash.
- Oh. Hm.
There's a new boyfriend?
- Yeah, he and his band have
a show tonight in Brooklyn,
and then we're off to Austria
for his European tour.
So, you got to come
meet him tonight.
- Sophie can't go.
Like she said, she's got plans.
- It's fine. I'll be there.
- Great! You'll love him.
Oh, I got to go. I
have cryotherapy.
Hey, you should all try it.
Keep it cold, it won't get old.
I will see you tonight.
You're all invited.
- There we go, all better.
And look at that. Darn. Oh.
I missed Sophie's mother.
Your loss.
She's a delight. If you name a rock
star, she's probably smelled them.
- She is the best. Which is...
why it's such a bummer she
chooses the worst guys.
And then they blow up her life,
and I have to pick up the pieces.
I guess I'm going
to be convincing her
to dump this musician before
she winds up stranded in Vienna,
sobbing in her schnitzel.
Anybody want to keep me company?
- Of course. Babe?
- Hm?
Well, I had set aside tonight
to try and figure out what to
do with the rest of my life.
It's gonna get pathetic,
spending my days
swapping recipes with the
old yentas in our building.
Well, I'm in.
Right after I watch The Good Fight
starring my queen, Christine Baranski.
- I wouldn't miss it.
- Oh. Great. Show's
at the Happy Idiot.
- I'm missing it.
I-I-I... The Happy Idiot is
where I proposed to Meredith.
I can't ever go back. I'd
be way too traumatized.
- Yep. I can't go either,
out of solidarity with Jesse.
- No, that's fine...
- No, no!
Solidarity.
- Okay, someone really
needs to go talk to him now.
Not it! JESSE:
Not it! Oh...
- Jesse, I have
wonderful news for you.
I have finally figured
out my calling.
I have decided to help
those suffering from trauma.
And you are going to
be my first patient!
- Okay, slow down.
How did you figure out
this was your calling?
- A wonderful question, patient.
You see, my rarefied upbringing
has left me with virtually
no practical life skills,
but no one has had
more therapy than I.
- Oh, I didn't know
you were in therapy.
- Was I ever!
See, when I was a boy,
my mother caught me
talking to one of her wigs.
She put me in therapy
shortly after,
and Dr. Wallace helped
me realize the wigs
were just a substitute
for my mother's affection.
And I haven't had a conversation
with a wig in months.
- Wait, months?
- And now,
I'm going to pour
everything I've learned
into healing others. Jesse,
you are a traumatized mess.
You can't go to the Happy Idiot.
You call yourself a musician,
but you haven't played that
keyboard since I met you.
I mean, look at it!
Begging to be touched.
Like one of my mother's long,
silky Saturday night wigs.
- Okay. Hey, listen. Uh...
Why the hell not? Alright,
take your best shot.
- Great!
We will start with
exposure therapy.
Jesse, when was the last time you
watched this viral video of yours?
- Oh, I've never seen it.
I'd be way too traumatized.
- Well, that's where we'll start.
- All cued up.
- Wait, you have it bookmarked?
- Yeah, of course.
You're my best friend.
- Alexa, play The Good Fight.
Here's The Good Fight.
- Thanks, boo.
Got my Baranski, got my BLT.
Everything's coming up Ellen.
Aw!
This rotten tomato is 0% fresh!
- Save some for the rest of us.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm kidding. Go nuts.
My grandma would be happy.
She hated wasted food.
She also hated
smartphones, slow waiters,
and Zooey Deschanel's
whole vibe.
I'm Rachel. I make
jokes when I'm sad.
- I'm Ellen. I whistle Head, Shoulders,
Knees, and Toes when I'm anxious.
- These are from my
favorite brunch spot.
They get all of their produce
from this biodynamic farm upstate.
Sorry, I'm kind of a produce
nerd. You don't care about this.
- Yes, I do.
I own a lettuce farm.
- No way.
So, how did you
know my grandmother?
Great question.
We were...
best friends.
I'm sorry again.
It's just the only
night my mom's in town.
- I totally get it.
I mean, I'm gonna have to be
my own charades partner though,
which is slightly awkward.
I'm going to be all
like, one word. Movie.
I know! I know!
Jumanji! Woo!
That's my friends. I gotta
go. I'll call you later.
- Yeah, of course. Thanks
again for understanding.
Okay, prepare yourself, alright?
Knowing my mom's track record,
Ash is probably some Jeff
Bridges-looking dude,
guzzling Jim Beam and doing
lines off a filthy coffee table.
- Stop making me miss college!
Mom!
- Hey, girls!
You made it.
- And you must be Ash.
- Oh . No, no, no.
I'm Ash's tour manager Brad.
- Oh - Oh, uh, this is Ash.
- Hey.
Sophie. I've heard
so much about you.
- Are you legally allowed
to be in this bar?
- I can assure you, I
am a very mature 27.
I've already had a colonoscopy.
- Ash! Our sex life
is our business.
- Oh yeah? God,
is she always this funny?
- Well, he's not Jeff Bridges.
Probably doesn't know
who Jeff Bridges is,
and to be honest,
I don't either.
Your mom is fine, Soph. You
can still make it to Drew's.
- No, they always
seem okay at first.
Okay, trust me, this
guy is bad news.
You know what? I know
what's going on here.
I bet he's a gold digger
who thinks my mom has money.
Wait till he finds out
she got nada en el banco.
- We've talked about you
doing the Spanglish thing.
- Sorry.
Okay, you go get a
drink with my mom.
I'm gonna grill my
teenage stepdad.
- Teenage Stepdad would
be a great Nickelodeon show.
- You're right. Let's
add it to the Google Doc.
- There's some kinks to work
out with my grandma trust,
but it looks like I'm going
to get this apartment.
- Wow. Cool.
I can Airdrop you
photos and stuff.
- These were Gamgam's
favorite pair.
Think I could pull them off?
- Yes.
They accentuate
your perfect neck.
- So, tell me. How did
you become best friends
with an 85-year-old woman?
- Um, well...
One day, I was, um,
making a ruckus in
my kitchen, and...
she came over to complain.
I said I loved her brooch,
and the rest is herstory!
- Hey, you want to
get out of here?
I kind of have this thing
where post-death rituals
really bum me out.
- You're so weird.
- I was raised in Fresno,
along with my twin sisters,
AKA my everything,
and I've always loved music.
I'm no Jason Mraz, AKA
my other everything,
but I get to do what I love.
You know, and that
is the ultimate gift.
- Aw, that's sweet.
Hm. You know what else is sweet?
Sugar.
And if you're a little sugar
baby looking for a treat,
you're barking up
the wrong mama.
- What?
- Are you with my
mom for her money?
Because she doesn't
have any! ASH: Sophie,
I know your mom is broke.
She's also beautiful
and alive and free.
To be honest...
I'm kind of falling
in love with her.
Jesse, I'm sorry.
I-I...
He's so
sad he pissed himself.
- No, didn't... That's
not even a thing!
I just spilled my
Cosmo on my pants.
He drinks Cosmos!
He's my aunt in the '90s!
- I have just one question.
- Because they're sweet and
tart, and they make me happy!
- No. My question was
how did watching
it make you feel?
- Oh. Uh...
Okay? I guess? I don't know.
I-I've been building up so much
in my head, seeing it wasn't...
that bad.
- Brilliant. Then, we can
move on to the next step
and return to the
scene of the crime.
- You know what? Screw
it. I'm ready. Let's go.
- Yes. Gentlemen,
to the Happy Idiot.
- I can't go!
Sophie's mom took my
masturbation virginity.
- So, Ash seems great.
- Oh, yeah. Ash is the best.
He'll only do it to Jason Mraz,
but I put in earplugs, so
it works.
Oh! If you'll excuse me, I
gotta wish my man good luck
before he goes on.
- Hello, New York!
Did somebody light a fire?
Because here comes Ash.
- What are you up to, Lori?
Unbelievable!
Oh, now I remember
who Jeff Bridges is.
- It was the summer
after seventh grade.
I'd just come back from my favorite
place in the whole damn world.
Spencer's Gifts.
I'd gone there to buy one of
those sick-ass lava lamps.
But then, I found
something even better.
That night, I set
everything up just so.
- I don't want you to
see this, Slim Shady.
But just when I
got down to business,
something horrible happened.
Sid,
I'm doing laundry.
- Big deal. So, she caught
you pulling your Paddington.
- Oh, no, no, no. I'm not done.
Siddhartha?
Are you awake?
- Slim Shady?
Please stand up.
- I finished later that
night, after I buried him.
I finished after I buried him!
I really thought I was over it,
but seeing Lori just made
it all come flooding back.
- Sid...
Let me heal you, too.
- Sophia, I need to tell you something.
- Me first.
You were right about Ash.
He's just a sweet
guy who loves my mom.
What if she's finally going to
be happy after all this time?
There you are!
Oh!
- Hiya! Charlie, a word.
You're chummy with
all the old neighbors.
Tell me everything you know
about Esther from down the hall.
- Esther Lebowitz? Oh, she's a delight.
She's teaching me how to make borscht.
- No, she's not. She's dead.
- She was so full of life.
- Not anymore.
She's full of dead.
And, I told her granddaughter
Rachel over there
that I was her best friend
because I think Rachel might
be the love of my life.
- How can that be
Esther's granddaughter?
Esther didn't have any children.
Her birds were her children.
Oh my god, are you
in love with a bird?
- Not this time!
Why would Rachel pretend to
be someone's granddaughter?
She was talking about moving
into Esther's apartment,
and she was grabbing
jewelry by the handful,
and she wanted to leave the
shiva after, like, 10 minutes!
What if she was doing...
Elder fraud!
- Wow! Maybe it's kind of
cute how smitten she is.
What if they get married?
We should start buying penis-shaped
things for the bachelorette.
- Ash and your mom
aren't getting married.
- What? Well, how
do you know that?
- Have you ever considered...
that your mom might not pick
bad guys, but that she might...
be the bad guy? Soph,
I've met a few of her
boyfriends over the years,
and they've all
seemed totally fine.
She's the one who blows
things up, and each time,
you drop everything
to take care of her.
- You're... way off.
It's definitely the guys.
- Like I said, total blind spot.
- I saw her kissing
Ash's manager.
- Oh.
I just need a-a minute.
- I can't believe I've been
beating myself up all day
about pretending to
know your grandma.
- Wait, you didn't
know my grandma?
- Cut the crap!
You're not a granddaughter.
You're an elder frauder!
- Ooh, quick question. Um,
did you say Etsy Lebowitz
or Esther Horowitz?
Because, um, funny story.
Um, Lebowitz didn't have
kids, but Horowitz did.
- Which Witz are you?
- Horowitz, you lunatic.
- Hm...
Sorry for the mix-up.
And sorry for your loss,
God.
- Look, I-I know it's gonna be
hard for me to come back from this,
but I'd like to try.
- Goodbye forever, Ellen.
I guess I'll probably have to see
you around the apartment building.
Please don't acknowledge me.
- I'm not giving up on us!
I know where you live!
I didn't mean that as a threat!
- I did say sorry.
- Right now, when you see Lori,
you revert to an
ashamed little boy
who killed his best friend.
And then masturbated
shortly afterwards.
- That's right.
- But you're a man now.
So, I want you to march over
to Lori, buy her a drink,
and prove to yourself
that you are not that
little boy anymore.
That's what Slim Shady
would have wanted.
- For Slim Shady.
Hi, Lori.
- Oh.
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Sure.
- Uh, can we get two
whiskeys, please?
One for me, and one
for the beautiful lady.
- Oh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
You have yourself a
beautiful evening, Lori.
- Good night, Sid.
Hm. Beer.
- Okay. You did it.
You healed me. You healed me!
- I did! Oh my god, I did.
Alright. One down, one to go. Jesse?
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're going to love this.
I've convinced the house managers
to let you take to the stage
at the end of the night
and perform a song.
- Wait, what?!
- Mom? Can we talk?
Mom.
Are you cheating on
Ash with his manager?
- What?
Of course not.
- Valentina saw you kissing him.
- Okay, fine.
Ash is adorable.
It's just...
I have chronic wanderlust.
I mean,
classic Sagittarius, am I right?
- Mom.
All those times we had
to pick up our lives
and start over,
was it the guys or was it you?
- It was me not settling.
I won't be made to feel
bad for wanting fireworks.
- Fireworks.
We had to move 13 times.
I never had any real friends.
I didn't have a
place to call home.
I don't have any
childhood photos
because every time we moved,
we packed lighter and lighter.
But somehow,
that bikini poster
always made the cut.
- That poster is special to me.
- I know.
"Mommy had the best side
boob in the business"
was my first full sentence.
- Oh no, that's not what I mean.
You're in the poster.
It was taken the day I found
out I was pregnant with you.
That's why it's special to me.
I haven't done a lot of things
right with my life, Sophie.
But I look at that photo,
and I see the best
thing I ever did.
I see you.
Do you think maybe we
could go someplace quiet?
Have a glass of wine and
talk about this Ash stuff?
- No. We can't.
- Oh.
- I love you, Mom.
But, I have plans
of my own tonight.
Hey.
You were right about my mom.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- You think I can still
make it to Drew's?
- Oh, definitely. Game
nights last forever.
It's one of the many
reasons they're so terrible.
Now, go get your man.
- Uh, hey, everyone. Um,
some of you might recognize me
from a certain viral video
but now that I'm back here
at the scene of the crime,
I just want to say I'm
ready to move on, New York.
Uh, I'm not going to let that
one night define me. Okay.
What is this? I didn't order this.
- A Cosmopolitan.
- Hey, Carrie Bradshaw.
That's from me.
- Okay, just so we're clear. A Cosmo
is a classic cocktail, alright?
- Your mom's a classic cocktail.
- Don't you talk about my mom!
You know what, I'm gonna quit before
this goes viral, too. Thanks, everyone!
That was... not great, but
it's a good first step.
So, thank you, Charlie.
- I should be the one thanking you.
You guys have helped me to
confirm my dream career.
To be a psychiatrist.
Eight years of school?
Alright, uh, to
be a psychologist.
Seriously?!
Well, there must be something I can do
where I can listen to people's problems,
offer up sage advice,
and get paid for it
without having to
go to any school.
- I'm probably gonna
regret this but, um...
- I'll take it!
I don't get it,
Mom. Why'd you tell me this story?
It was mostly about
you and Grandma.
- True,
but I couldn't eventually
wind up with your dad,
until I faced my
stuff with my mom.
Faced who she was,
how she hurt me.
And that night, when I
walked out of that bar,
I started to.
- Hey! I hope I didn't
miss the whole thing.
Oh. You're going. Okay.
Uh, four words. First word.
Happy?
Two? See...
I'm happy to see you, too.
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