House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 6 - Trust Me, I'm Getting Plenty of Erections - full transcript

MALCOLM:
Maybe if you didn't take the
fall for your baby mama Jeannie

things would've turned out
a little differently, Marty.

Previously on House of Lies...

MARTY:
I know you're upset about

everything that happened
last year.

We're all good, Marty. You don't
have to worry about me.

I feel like there's
something special here.

We should really see
where it goes...

No!

MARTY:
With this Gage account

coming in, all this attention,



we're gonna be fucking huge.

If anyone's ass here deserves
to be kissed, it's mine!

JEANNIE: There is a crisis
of confidence at Gage.

Maya is the solution.

MARTY:
We just need to keep Maya happy

until those merger papers
are signed.

MAYA:
Ellis is the king of making

grandiose promises,

and never following through.

Big oil magnates
in the Bay Area?

Cal Manchester.

Yee-haw!

How does a merger help me?

Well, it doesn't.



Unless, of course,
producing an electric car

for the masses isn't
a part of Ellis's vision.

I wouldn't worry too much
about motherhood changing you.

People like you don't change.

_

Pop, are you serious right now?

You're going
half the speed limit.

Are you in a rush?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

You know, you got a captive
audience back there.

I mean, he's putting on
a brave face, but, uh,

he's really freaking
out about today.

Hey...

(groans)
What?

You want to talk about this?

About what, Dad?
Look,

you guys are driving me
to prison right now.

It's gonna be the last...
normal interaction

we're gonna have
for about six months.

Yup.

Do you want to ask anything?

Yeah. Grandpa, how much
longer is the drive?

All my friends are hanging out
at Tom-Tom's birthday.

Yeah, well,
it's Tom-Tom's birthday.

Let's just turn the car around.

All right, all right.
Let's go to Tom-Tom's.

No prison.
All right, all right.

We're going to Tom-Tom's.
Listen, we got to, we got to,

we got to make the
most of this time.

Now, come on.
It's good that you guys

talk like this, because, well,

there's-there's no...

no rulebook as to how
to feel, you know?

Well, it feels like shit.
Yeah.

I mean... all my friends

are at Six Flags, wondering

where I am.

(Roscoe sighs intensely)

This sucks.

Oh, okay.

I thought he meant about me.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess you're right, man.

Both our days are gonna suck.

MALCOLM: So, like I was saying,
other than Oprah--

and she's not even
prime time anymore--

where are the black voices?

CHANTELLE: Sounds to me like
someone's about to get famous.

No, honestly,
it's not about the fame.

Right. Oh.
I'm...

I'm just trying to

you know, create some
dialogue with my, uh, story.

So you think the people
need your story

to bring them enlightenment
with their morning coffee.

Wow. So you-you the new sugar?

I guess I am.

Well, you know what, brother?

I like mines black.

Oh, shit.

Hell, yeah. I love that.

Marty, that's the perfect
tag line for Blacktalk.

I'm gonna run that
by the producers.

You're welcome.
JEREMIAH: Good morning.

Hi.
Hey, good morning.

Hey, I'm gonna go get Roscoe up.

Uh, well, he's...
Roscoe! Roscoe!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

MARTY:
Oh, y'all got jokes.

(laughing)

Cute.
Slept over at Jeremy's.

Oh. Okay.
You even know

who Jeremy is, man?

Yeah.
I even know who Jeremy is.

Really? I mean, 'cause
you're so preoccupied

with your work, is all.
Well, you seem

very preoccupied with
being here all of a sudden.

You know, fact is, Marty,

your work and the mighty dollar

are what landed
your ass in jail.

And now you're out, you're
all about that life again.

Mm!

Like it's your drug.

Ooh.

Yeah.
And who gives a shit

where Roscoe's sleeping at,

because you're too busy
out there getting high.

Wow.
Yeah!

I mean, thank you for
your spot-on armchair

psychoanalysis.
It's okay, it's okay.

My pleasure.
No, no, I appreciate it, especially since

you've decided to make
a brief appearance

in all of our lives once again.

Dad, got anything to add?

No, I'm not touching
any of this.

How about we just have
a nice breakfast?

How about everyone
puts on a shirt?

What's wrong with this?

This is okay.

Oh, these pancakes
look like a winner.

Woman, you can't lose.
Damn.

Oh, my God, Malcolm,
you do know that

that's Dad's girlfriend, right?

His? Girl? You?

Oh, my God.
(chuckles)

(quietly): I'm sorry,
is that food

from the kitchen?
Yeah.

Are you re-gifting them
their own salmon

for our presentation?

Could you please keep it down?
Do not narc me out.

This is the best meal
I've had in six weeks.

What are you, homeless?
I'm hungry.

Aw, yeesh.

So, the model for monetizing

can be ad-based,
subscriber-based

or fee enrollment, and while

the desire for the
"Yo Where's The Party?" app

is strong enough
to charge a fee,

it's really the free apps
that get the highest valuation.

Mm. Snapchat's a great
example of this.

Well, Snapchat made
dick in profits.

Yeah, but it was
bid on for billions.

JEANNIE:
The point is to offer

a free version with ads,

and then roll out an option
to upgrade for a fee.

Then you can...
Brah, is that new ink?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check it out.
Oh, take it off. Take it all off.

DOUG:
Oh!

Obvi, that is dope.
Yeah.

Yeah, super obvi, Doug.

Guys, can we not
do this right now, please?

Brah, that's a chick tat.
It's not a chick tat.

Well, the writing
is kind of swirly.

You want to see bad-ass?
Yeah. What do you got?

Oh, are we doing scenes
from Magic Mike now?

I got this kiting
in the Dominican.

Oh, nice!

Like, 21...

and it's on fire,
which means, you know,

cards... couple
cards on fire.

Almost a sentence.
Dude, I think you have a grammar

mistake in permanent ink.

Shut up.
JEANNIE: Hey!

Kids? I am about to tell you
TYLER: Oh, that's so crazy.

Oh, my God.
overachievers how you can make

Zuckerberg-level
bank before you're 25,

so pay attention, okay?

Like I don't know what monetizing means.
Right.

JEANNIE: We have
prepared statistical

analysis... that...

Oh, hey, check
this out, down low.

You got to see this.

If you do not
pay attention right now,

I will not hesitate
to flash you my giant, veiny,

naked pregnancy belly button.

This just got
interesting. (chuckling)

Naked.
I like the way that sounds.

That was meant to be a threat,

but if you pay attention,

- how about we can
have it as a reward? - Ugh.

BENJIE: Sweet.
(school bell rings)

I didn't want you to pick me up,
'cause I was though you...

(car horn honking)
AVERY: Roscoe!

Come on!

(engine starts)

I call shotgun.
Let's go, drive.

AVERY:
(whoops) Cut day.

(indistinct conversations)
♪
♪

GIRL:
Get out of here.

Hey, Roscoe.

Hey.

Uh, Molly.

I bought one of your purses.

Oh, right-- didn't you buy
the-the Chloe satchel, right?

Nice piece. It's timeless.

You know, I've been thinking
a lot about you since then.

Like, a lot.
All the time.

You got any Kate Spade bags?

Seriously? Kate Spade.

(scoffs)
Get out of my face.

Mm. Thanks, man.

Actually, you know what?
Give me another one of those.

Thanks. Try this out.

So...

how you been?

Here's a fun little fact:
The word "fortune"

comes from
the Latin word Fortuna,

goddess of chance.

Fortuna-- so pretty, right?

Thing is, real fortune

has nothing to do with chance.
Or luck.

Fortuna is bullshit.

Real fortune is calculated.

It's relentless.

Fucking criminal, even.

You have to make fortune happen.

See, when Ellis Hightower
was the new Royal Highness

of the electric car,

his stock took way off.

Then someone forgot
to pay his income taxes

and had to move to a cozy
little room upstate,

and that stock price
went way down here.

Then yours truly came on board,

worked his Marty Kaan magic,

got that old Gage
brain trust back together,

and now that stock price

is all the way up here.

(cash register dings)

And, if you look very closely

at our Gage contra...

...at our Gage contract,

there is a little prize buried

in the bottom of that
Cracker Jack box.

There, in the fine print,
it clearly states

that if the Gage stock price
reaches $200 per share

before our payday,
we will be on the receiving end

of a $9.2 million bonus.

Holy shit.

We just have to squeak it up...

to here.

(cash register dings)

We are about to hit

the fortune motherfucklode.

And then...

I will park wherever
I goddamn well please.

TYLER: Is anyone else
craving nachos?

Where's our nacho guy?

That was next level, just now.

Thanks.

That's what
you're paying us for.

Yeah, these guys are just...

They like to act
all bad-ass,

but their mommies
still give them

Fruit Roll-Ups
in the morning.

All the shit falls on me.

I really need someone
like you to help us.

A... a grown-up.

Well, you have me.

I'm here anytime.

No. What I'm
asking you--

badly, I guess--

is if you'll come on board.

Be our CFO.

The VC who funded us

put a line for it in the budget,

but these guys have ignored it.

It's actually pretty rich pay.

I'm flattered.

Um... (clears throat)

...but I have a job.

I know, you have a huge job.

But you keep telling us
that we're going to be giant.

So take us there.

BENJIE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Check it out.

The Einsteins
have already agreed.

Just... consider it.

I'm dying.

Whoa.
Snap!

Hey, buddy.

Um...

I'll think about it.

It's not going up, Marty.

Uh, they have pills for that.

You know, it is so brave of you
to talk about it.

Usually, guys who can't get
erections don't want to say...

Trust me,
I get plenty of erections.

See, I think
you're overcompensating now.

Am I the only one who cares
about the Gage stock price?

Jeannie Bean.
Here we go. (Sighs)

Listen, Doug, don't worry
your pretty little head.

By the end of business,
we are gonna hit that number.

Oh, I wish I had
your confidence,

but I feel an ulcer forming.

I do. I can't
handle the waiting.

I just can't!

I can't either.

That's why we're not going to.

I like where this is headed.

Slick back your hair...

Ah.
Okay.

...splash on some cologne,

because we

have a date
with that Gage stock price.

We're gonna throw on
some John Legend,

gently coax its legs open,

and then ram it
all the way home!

Sweet rape metaphor.

Don't go all soft on me,
blondie.

Never. Let's go rape
the shit out of this stock.

It is go time.

DOUG:
Hyah!

Baby bump.

All right.
Oh, see?

I told you I get erections.
Get out of my office, Doug.

You mean, the baby
getting you hard?

MAN: Hang on.
My secretary just walked in.

What?

I know you're very busy,

but something's come up,

and I'm not quite sure
what to do about it.

I know that it's your job
to make big...

very big investment decisions.

But I don't know what the rules
are about secrets I may know

about a company
through my brother-in-law.

But since you're my boss,

and it's technically my job
to help you,

should I tell you something
if I think it can...

help you?

He'll be right with you.

(sighs)

Now, Doug.

Now.

(elevator bell dings)

Oh. Excuse me. Sorry.

(whispering):
There we are...

Uh...

God, I'm so, so sorry.

JEANNIE:
Yeah, well,

this cease-fire between
Gage and Compass Oil

is already skyrocketing
their stock, and...

I have intel that
the city is about

to announce favored parking
privileges for electric,

so that's totally gonna
tip the scales in Gage's...

Um, I gotta go.

It... just not a good time.

(wry laugh)

Hi, Norm.

It's been a while.

Nice to see you, Jeannie.

(wry laugh)

MAN:
Mmm.

This place has the best
carpaccio outside of Italy.

That why you got three orders of it?
Yuck.

Anyway, listen,

we have some intel

for your blog-consuming,
sycophants' entertainment.

You're gonna love it.
Maybe the headline

could read something like:

"Big Oil Concedes Defeat
to Electric Technology."

But I just made that up.
I don't know.

That's too many words.

Yeah, okay.
I got a shorter pitch.

"Electric Cars

Tell Big Oil to Go Suck It."

Now, that's even more words.

Are you sure?
Yeah. Look,

I don't see the big deal.

Cal Manchester

knows how to schmooze.

I'm not gonna do your bidding,
all right?

My followers count
on me for real scoops,

not desperate PR.
Yeah.

Well, we know you love
spooning with big oil,

feeling that half-chub just
rubbing up against your back.

(laughs)
But I think it's time
to switch it up, brother.

We're gonna make it
worth your while.

Oh, you don't have
that kind of scratch.

CLYDE: Oh...
I have a reputation.

Well...

we gave it a shot, right?

We came here
hoping this would work out.

Well, appreciate your time.

(camera shutter clicking)

Whoa!
Whoa, what's that, hmm?

That-that's for my blog.

Fat Fucks Making Backroom

Deals with

Ex-con Businessmen

dot-edu.
Edu-- it's an educational Web site.

It's a place where you go to learn stuff.
Okay. Cool.

Oh, no, no.
I'm not making a deal with you.

Yet, we have this photograph...

You see your silly face in it?

It's right there.

So, maybe you did.

All right, I'll drop
a blind item after lunch.

Oh.
What's he dropping?

He's gonna drop a blind item after lunch.
Hallelujah!

More raw cow for everybody!

CLYDE:
Ugh! God, dude.

Uch!

(overlapping, indistinct
conversations; music playing)

Whoa!

(laughs)

Okay.

(indistinct conversations,
phone ringing)

(laughs quietly)
JEANNIE: Hey.

Hey.

191.

Only nine more points,
and I'm out the door. Yay.

Forget it. I mean...

Um, I...
(clears throat)

...was gonna tell you
I have an ultrasound

appointment later today.

Unless you need me...

Oh, we got it.
It's no sweat.

Okay. And...

obviously...

you're invited.

I mean if you can or want...
Is... I mean, is

everything okay?

Yeah. It's routine.

You can... get there yourself?

Yeah. (laughs)

That's not the problem.

Okay.

Okay. Great. Great.

Hey! I am fucking pregnant,

you cock sucker!

Mr. Andrews?

What do you mean,
he's not in school?

(quietly):
Oh, fuck.

No, of course, I had no i...

No, I had no idea. I'll...

Yes, I'll talk to him.

Fuck me, man.

(indistinct male voice
over P.A.)

Come on, Roscoe.

Hey, Pop.

Um, I think I'm just gonna
go in there on my own, okay?

Let's just say our
good-byes out here.

(indistinct male voice
over P.A.)

Okay.

Yeah, I don't want you
to have to see that.

Hmm. Oh, yeah?

But this moment right here

is going right into
my memory scrapbook.

Listen, um...

I'd give anything to not have
to miss this time with you.

When I get out, I'm...
I'm gonna make it all up to you.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Gonna get in
those driving lessons.

Um, take you to see whatever

new, dumb Hunger Games
movie is out.

I'll take you shopping,
wherever you want.

That's just crazy talk.

(both laughing)

You're all that matters
to me, you know that.

Remember you can trade smokes
for almost anything inside. (Laughs)

Okay. Good tip, Al Capone.

All right.
All right, love you.

You, too.

Uh, Dad, uh...

I just wish you
didn't have to go.

I know.

Hey...

Hey, it's gonna be
all right, okay?

Okay.
Come on, give it up.

(SUV door opens)

JEREMY:
That was killer.

And Roscoe got some.

Oh. Oh, you know, a gentleman
does not kiss and tell.

Oh.
I don't see any gentlemen here.

You sluts.

(laughter, door opening)

Oh.

Hey, Dad.
(Marty laughs)

What up?

(laughter) What are y'all doing?
Homework?

Pokémon cards or something?

We're just hanging out.
Just hanging out?

Yeah.
We should do something.

Let's play a game.
You guys want to play something?

We could play Scrabble or

Parcheesi or-or...
(laughter)

Risk--
that sounds right.

Dad, just chill.

Okay. Oh, it's all right.
My bad.

Gotta play something.

Come on, let's play, um...

what did I do today
instead of going to school?

Dad, everyone...

Eh-eh, eh...?

I got a call

from the headmaster--
talked to some other

parents, too.

We're outy.

Yeah, we, uh, have
that math prep thing.

MARTY:
Oh.

Really?
That sounds like such a lie.

You guys sure
you want to take off?

You don't want to hang out?

It's gonna be awesome!
(door opens)

I mean, we're gonna talk all
about individual responsibility.

(door closes)

(sighs)

Nothing, huh?

Do you know that
I believe in you, Roscoe?

No.

Well, I do, okay? I really do.

But all this business--
it's got me really worried.

What do you want?

What do I want?

You have no idea, do you?

Mm... want me to take shit
more seriously?

I want you to be happy.

That's it.

I want you to be as happy as
you can, as much as you can.

But you're not happy.

Yeah, well, I'm working on it.

Long time ago, my whole
happiness mechanism

got broken pretty badly.

Happiness mechanism--
that's not a thing.

It is. It's a thing. For me.

You're having another kid.

Dad, you... you
don't even acknowledge it.

I mean, what does that say
about your happiness?

I would love it if we could just
talk about you right now.

But you don't know
anything about me.

So, I...

Where-where should I start?

Just start.

Start anywhere.

You'd be surprised how little
I would ever judge you.

Did your parents know
your every move

when you were my age?

(scoffs)

No. Definitely not.

So, you did what you wanted.

Yeah. And look how great
I turned out.

Hey, listen, man.
Listen.

I'm here, okay?

Really not perfect,

but... I'm here.

Oh, and, uh,

hickeys take about a week
to fade.

Okay.

DOUG:
Oh, hey, Jeannie!

Jeannie, have you got a second?

Yeah. What's up?

Yeah, look, um, I was
just talking to Kelsey,

and, uh, she said
she made you an offer

to come in-house
for their company.

Delusional bitch.

DOUG:
Okay, I think we need

to talk about your
anger issues, buddy.

Oh, I think you should
shut the fuck up

before I punch you in your face.

It's not your fault.

If you want a hug, I am here any time.
Ugh!

Yeah, normally, I love to listen

to you guys talk
about your feelings

and your periods, but I...
today, I'm gonna...

Oh, no, no, hold on, hold on.

Jeannie, Jeannie, wait. Uh...

The reason
I bring it up is because

she seems to think
that you're seriously

considering it, so, uh,

you might want to talk to her
and let her down gently.

I am seriously considering it.

What are you talking about?

Why would you consider that?

Hold on a second--
are the money issues here

worse than Marty's letting on?

No, it's not that.

Okay, so, why would you be

seriously considering it?

(laughs)

Okay, well, since you Sherlocks
haven't caught on,

and you're gonna
find out eventually,

um, Marty has asked me to leave

once the Gage business
is wrapped up.

What?!

CLYDE:
For real?

What? Marty seriously...?

Yeah, Marty seriously.

No.

Uh-uh, no, I
can't accept that.

That's ridiculous.

That's like breaking up
the Beatles.

We're not the Beatles.
We're the Beatles, Jeannie.

Think about it.
Marty's John.

Uh, Clyde's Sir Paul.
Nice!

I'm George, the quiet seeker.

Uh, sorry. I'm Ringo?

No. No, no, no, no.

Oh, pfft...
No, I'm not Ringo.

(laughing):
You're not Ringo.

Calm down.

You're the girl who's often
associated with the Beatles.

Aw! He just
called you Yoko!

To your face,

he called you Yoko.

Yeah. The white Yoko.

The white Yoko?!
Oh, wow.

Who's gonna do all your work?

And ethically-questionable
flirting with the clients?

I'm gonna miss you, too, Clyde.

Oh...

listen, I know that...

Doesn't mean
that I want you to leave.

Let's not do this right now, okay?
Yeah.

I mean, are you gonna take that job?
I don't know.

Before you do, if you do...
let me talk to Marty.

I'll give him some tough love.

We're kind of cut
from the same cloth...

No!
No.

I appreciate it, Doug, but, um,

there's nothing you can do.

No. Okay.
(clears throat)

Oh, captain, my captain...

Whoops.

Clyde, come on.

(snaps fingers) Clyde, come on.
Doesn't work if it's just me.

Oh, I don't know.
I think it's working great.

I'm actually a little touched.

But I'm now gonna
get back to work.

(sighs) CLYDE: Hey, captain, you
want to jump down,

or are you good up there?
Shit!

We're gonna need a new Yoko.

Yeah.

Okay.

Will anyone else be
joining you today?

(clears her throat)

I'm good.
Let's just get started.

(quiet whirring)

This all looks good.

She's almost in position.

(heart beating over monitor)

You want a jpeg
for your Facebook page?

(laughing):
Facebook?

Fuck, no.

Uh...

No.

Sorry... this is a stock
I have to watch.

Has to do with whether or not
I have to leave my company.

(sighs)

I have another offer,
but my partner is also the...

well, the dad.

Did I mention that?

No worries.

You just concentrate
on making this baby.

It's really hard to know
what the right move is.

I mean...

if the father
of your child were angry,

but it was hurting the both
of you, what would you do?

Geez.

That might be one
for your friends.

Right. My friends.

Yeah, I'll-I'll ask them.

(ringtone playing)

Hey, Doug.

Broke 200, huh?

No, it is.

It-It's... it's great news.

Doug, I can't talk
right now, okay?

I got... Yes, all right. Bye.

(phone chimes)

Holy shit.

♪ So you come a long way ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
but you'll never have me ♪

♪ Never have things
for a normal life ♪