HouseBroken (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Who's a Scaredy Cat? - full transcript

Mighty barking thunder dog
in the sky,

please stop barking.

I'll do anything.

Do you want me
to stop licking myself?

Oh, oh, more licking.

Okay, let's get to me,
'cause Honey's human

should be gettin' home soon to
cry and pill herself to sleep.

- We have time.
- Jill's volunteering

at the shelter
for National Pet Adoption Day.

And when it rains,
she pulls her car over

to calmly wait it out.



Well, then I'll share
something small.

When I left, Kevin was packing
his big green suitcase.

He's leaving me for good
this time.

I mean, do I blame him? No.

I'm just a useless, dumb,

and "overweight
according to society's

warped perception of beauty"
cat.

Chico, if you want others
to love you,

you need to love yourself first.

Or you need to follow Kevin,

find out where he's going and
why he's always abandoning you,

and then change everything
about yourself

to get him to come back to you.

- That's ridiculous.
- That's brilliant.



And as your kooky,
less attractive BFF,

it's my job to go with you.

Let's go!

If we hurry, we may be able
to sneak into his suitcase

before he finishes his preflight

crotch-lotioning-sock ritual.

Well, that was boring.

Luckily for you losers,
I have something so personal,

so troubling...

Hey, where did Tchotchke go?

Oh, no, it's happening again!

The terrifying, bloodthirsty
basement monsters

must have gotten Tchotchke!

According to lore,

which is short for Lori,

every National Pet Adoption Day,

the basement monsters emerge
from their subterranean lair

and exact revenge on pets...

pets like us.

Oh, silly Diablo,
that's just a story

we tell our kids
if we could have any.

The real monsters are the ones

that live inside of us.

Burn the house down, Nibbles.

Make fire happy.

Basement monsters are real!

And they're coming for me...

Well, for all of us,

but it's mostly me
I'm concerned about!

This is a wonderful opportunity

for immersion therapy,

the technique where I,
the therapist,

cure the patient of their fear
by immersing them

in whatever it is
that frightens them.

Ooh, I'm afraid of naughty
Catholic school turtles.

Come on, Diablo.

It's time for you to overcome
this silly fear.

Honey, Honey,
this is a huge violation!

But it is quite soothing
to be carried.

Honey! Honey, no! Please!

Let me out!

I cannot wait
to be deposed about this.

- Trust me, Diablo.
- I know what I'm doing.

Honey, what do we do?

The scary barking dog in the sky

is barking in the sky!

I-I-I don't have time
for this, Chief.

I'm trying to get Diablo
to confront his fears.

Confront fears...

and the other words you said

that relate
to my current predicament.

- Thanks, Honey!
- Have fun.

No!

Honey, this does not
seem ethical,

but it is the content
I come for.

Yeah, Diablo sounds
truly terrified.

To the untrained ear, maybe,
but to a professional,

those are the bloodcurdling
screams of healing.

And healed.

Diablo, you may now come out

and enjoy your life

unencumbered by irrational fears

based on nonsense.

Diablo?

Okay, Honey killed Diablo.

- Pay up.
- Not until I see the body.

Why would Kevin

rather live here forever
than live with me?

I don't know. Let's ask him.

I'm Kevin.

I'm here because I'm stupid
and I don't realize

that I live with the greatest
cat in the world.

Hey, don't call Kevin stupid,
Kevin!

Kevin?

Hurry up and find Diablo already

so I can get into my thing!

Diablo!

Diablo, if you're trying
to make me look bad,

it's not working.

It's not not working.

Guys, look.

The basement monsters

dragged Diablo
into that crawlspace.

Or Diablo thought this
was a way out

and, um, got so excited,

he dragged his paws
along the ground

while walking backwards,

leaving behind
several of his nails,

which he had dipped in ketchup.

Yeah, blood-flavored ketchup.

Come on, let's go find him
and prove I'm right.

Charge!

If you guys are afraid,
you can go upstairs

and listen to Max
talk about himself.

Charge!

It's time to confront...

Chief, what are you doin'?

It's rainin'
cats and yous out there!

Well, I was gonna stand up

to the giant barking dog
in the sky,

but have you ever seen
how high the sky is?

Well, you could climb
the radio tower

at the end of the LA River.

Then you'd be face-to-face
with the scary barking dog.

And also,
our Frisbee is up there,

so if you could grab that,
that'd be fire.

Radio tower?

Perfect.

But how do we get there?
It's flooding.

- Easy.
- We'll build a boat.

Yes!

♪ We're buildin' a boat
in the shed ♪

♪ Usin' this stuff
that's layin' around ♪

♪ It's a montage, so you don't
know how long it took ♪

♪ Maybe it was an hour
or a half hour ♪

♪ Time's just
really a construct ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I've never been more proud
of anything

in my entire life.

- Huh?
- Hey, a box.

I've never been more proud
of anything

in my entire life.

Get in.

Diablo, come on out
and tell everyone

how cured you are because of me.

I think I hear something
coming from that grate.

Diablo?

We're jump-scare bats.

It's what we do.

Oof! For a second there,

I thought we were
in real danger.

Blahhh!

Great job, Tabitha.

- We're trapped.
- We're trapped?

- Is that dead guy Kevin?
- I don't know.

I've never seen
what Kevin looks like dead.

But if it is Kevin,
then maybe, just maybe,

I'd be able to wake him up
with true love's first kiss.

You're not suggesting
that you...

Oh, oh! Chico, no!

Eh, guess he's not Kevin.

- Guess not.
- But just to be sure...

Chico, this is not healthy!

Ooh, string. Let's pull it.

Well, that was a long scream.

We're all gonna die,

even the two of us
who don't deserve to.

We're not going to die
if we just stay calm!

So let's just split up

into two groups
so we can find Diablo.

- Fine.
- I'll go with Shel and Elsa.

No fair, why do you guys
get three animals,

we only have two?

Shel, you're with us.

Now, ladies, I don't like

hearing you fight over me,

but I would like to see it.

Why don't we just
pick names out of a hat?

Now, who knows
how to write our names,

or use a pen, or has a hat?

Guys, look down there!

It's a way out! We're saved!

Well, now we can pair up
evenly... yeah?

The monsters got Nibbles.

Game over, man. Game over.

We should have stayed in group

and listened to pig
talk about himself.

Don't say that!

Don't you ever say that!

All right,
we're going to be fine.

If we just stick together
and stay calm,

I'm sure we'll find Diablo,

and Nibbles, and Tchotchke.

And Tabitha.

Maybe we should...

And I'm just spitballing here...

Scream
and run in all directions.

Great job, Tabitha.

Whew.

Oh, it's you.

Shel, could my inability
to admit I was wrong

have gotten everyone killed?

Don't beat yourself up...
Not everyone.

Oh, now it's everyone!

This is a nightmare!

We're trapped with a pack

of gigantic
multicolored animals.

I don't know how Kevin got
mixed up with these creatures,

but I do know he's in danger.

You smell that? Kevin is close.

We have to find him
before he ends up

like that great kisser we met
in the luggage cargo.

Mm, very garbage-forward

with hints of hepatitis C.

Uh, guys?

Oh, no!

Our boat!

Small Fun Raccoon,
take my handlike paw!

No!

And just like that, Small died.

Diablo? Shel? And the rest?

You're all alive!

Which I knew all along.

Where are we?

We've been taken

to the basement monster's nest

to be used as living prey
for the larva hatchlings

that were implanted inside us...

I'm assuming.

So... anybody want
to finally admit

they screwed up?

Hmm, yeah, anybody?

Anybody? No?

Well, I guess no one
screwed up, Tabitha.

What a weird question.

Look, it's Tchotchke.

I told you! We're saved!

Yay!

Followed by a bunch

of terrifying basement monsters.

We're doomed!

Boo!

What's Tchotchke doing?

He's trying
to tell us something.

- Guys, I'll interpret.
- I'm fluent in Tchotchke-ese.

Don't be scared.

These are my friends,
my discarded friends.

They are...

And...

You see, every year,

thousands of animals are adopted

on National Pet Adoption Day.

But hipsters
often adopt exotic animals

just to have something
to post on social.

Soon after my friends
were taken in,

their owners lost interest.

They lived as nomads like
that Frances McDormand movie

no one saw
but pretended to like.

Ah!

I found some of the survivors

and snuck them here
under Jill's house for safety,

where they've since lived
in secret.

That is literally
the saddest thing

I've ever lost interest in
halfway through.

Why didn't you tell us,
Tchotchke?

Being abandoned
creates trust issues,

so they made me keep
their existence a secret,

which I understand
because I, too,

am a glazed doughnut.

Oh, sorry, I misinterpreted.

I, too, am a discarded pet.

Aww.

- Kevin?
- Kevin?

Buckle up, Furries.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride,
but we're going to get you

to your convention safely
and on time.

Smell that?

My bad.

Turns out,
flying makes me nervous.

No, I'm saying

I smell Kevin above us.

Come on.

Oh, my God,
this creature ate my Kevin!

Now he's really
never gonna come home.

Aw, we should probably give up.

No, Small Fun would have
wanted us to continue,

is something you say
in these situations.

Plus, look over there.

You really think I can do this?

Oh, not at all.

Small Fun was the one
who believed in you.

Then he died.

But at this point, I mean,
we're here, right?

You're right, we are here!

♪ Climbing a ladder
to confront the dog ♪

Kevin's dead!

D-S-Q-P, dead!

- Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
- Oh, my God!

Kevin's still alive
inside that mutant freak.

- Can I get a Diet Coke?
- And he's thirsty.

Poor guy
is being digested alive,

and there's nothing
I can do about it.

Hand me that puke bag.

I have a better idea.

I'm coming,
partially digested Kevin!

Tchotchke,
why have you never told us

you're a discarded pet?

I've always felt great shame.

You see, I was bought
by a mystery celebrity...

Let's call him Pustin Peeber...

Who paraded me around
as a trophy pet.

But the second he learned

he couldn't travel with me
to Orlando,

I was tossed away like garbage.

That's heartbreaking,
Tchotchke...

and exactly the kind of thing

we could have addressed
in therapy.

And none of you have to worry.

Your secret is safe with us.

See? You didn't have
to terrorize and kidnap them.

This group is my family.
We can let them go.

Sorry, upstairs pets.

We've been listening
to your group

through that vent for months,

and we've heard Honey
talk about loving yourself

and being worthy of happiness.

Well, we deserve
a good life too,

the kind of life
you upstairs animals have.

So we're going
to take your lives,

like in that hit movie "Us"

we also heard through the vent.

Any last words?

What are you?

I'm a ferret put on steroids

to look like a poodle.

People do that
to smuggle us in the country.

Find out more here.

BRB never!

- Oh, God.
- Tchotchke really let us down.

- The water's rising.
- What do we do?

I don't know,
but it's not my fault!

I didn't do anything wrong.

And I'm never wrong, never.
Never, never, never.

- Honey's broken.
- Not to worry.

Max has probably seen
the discarded pets by now

and is on his way to rescue us.

I mean it is amazing
how fast you can go from,

"Oh, my God,
I'm talking to Nic Cage,"

to, "Oh, my God, someone
get me away from Nic Cage."

Nibbles, you get it.

But we probably
shouldn't count on it.

I can reach you, Diablo,

but your paw's gotta go.

- Wait, what?
- Just chew through the rope!

Okay, fine.

Quick, untie the rest of us.

I can't do it!

I guess now is a good time
to tell you

that I don't have any top teeth.

- Eww.
- Yuck.

Diablo,
climb through those vents

and open the door
on the other side.

No way, it is too scary
and dark in there.

And what about
the vent monsters?

They are way worse
than the basement monsters!

You got this, Chief!

He's just as scared of you
as you are of him...

is also something I've heard
people say in these situations.

He's just as afraid of me?

Listen, buddy. I get it.

I know what it's like
to be scared.

But giving in to that fear has
turned you into a giant dingus.

Underneath all that sky drama,

I bet you're a really good boy.

And I'm sure if we got to know
each other, we'd be friends.

So what do you say?

Friends?

So... no Frisbee?

Mine was blue.

Ew, ew!

Kevin, hold on!

Don't let him digest you!

Kevin, you're still alive!

We killed the beast!

- Chico?
- What are you doing here?

I love you too!

Uh, this is your captain.

One of our engines is out,

so we have to turn around
and head back to Burbank.

- Oh, great.
- Guess we're going home.

- We're going home?
- Together?

I did it.

I saved you, and I won you back.

- No hard feelings, man.
- I get it.

If I had a mouth your size,
I'd eat him too.

I don't want to die!

- I'm too young to go.
- Oh, guys.

I'm so sorry that my fears

are preventing me
from saving all of you.

Wait, no, Diablo.

You can't die thinking
this is your fault.

It's my f...

It's my f... ault.

That's right,
because of my hubris,

we're all going to die.

- See, Honey?
- Was that so difficult?

Wow Honey, finally admitting

you were wrong about something
was really brave.

And if you can be that brave,
then maybe I can too!

I'll be back!

Thank you, Honey!

Because of you,
I am overcoming...

- Go!
- Hurry up!

Jeez!

Hurry!

Don't drown yet!

I'm coming!

That's what she s...

- Thank you!
- Diablo, you saved us!

Saving us was the easy part.

Believing he could save us,
that's the work.

You're welcome.

So now I've got Nic Cage
showing up all the time.

He wants to get
matching tattoos.

It's like, I know
you're lonely, but, dude,

isn't there some Coppola
you can talk to?

Max, get away
from those animals!

They're basement monsters!

Actually, they're discarded pets

who have no homes and just want
to be loved, but still!

And they want to replace us
and take over our lives.

Even Diablo's life.

It's time to go to war.

Yes! Yes!

Attack!

Discarded pets, fight back!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, time-out.

Just so I understand
what's happening,

you guys are not you guys?

Exactly.

And you want to kill them

because they're loved
and they have homes?

- Exactly!
- Okay, cool, cool, cool.

As you were.

Hey, I'm sorry
to interrupt again,

but what if instead of having
a bloody battle

that's probably gonna ruin
the couch,

I could find
you discarded pets a home

with a famous lonely bachelor

who could really use
the company?

What do you think?

Hey there, little guys.

You sure look like
you could use a loving home

with lots of dark secrets.

What do you say?

I love you, Nic Cage.

You're not monsters.

The humans
who discarded you are.

Don't get a pet
you can't take care of...

or a dinosaur skull
you can't liquidate.

- Small Fun!
- Huh, you're alive!

Thanks to this bag.

I don't know why they call it
single-use plastic,

'cause it held
a tuna fish sandwich

and saved my life.

I did it!

The giant barking dog
in the sky is gone!

I did it!

Yay, and I accomplished
my thing too.

And now we have nothing
to be scared of ever ag...

Bento.

That's nice, Jen and Gabby.