Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 8 - Brokeback Elka - full transcript

- Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

- Excuse me.
Do you know how much longer

our order's gonna be?

I have a radiation appointment

that I can't be late for.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

My sister just
went through that.

Look, there are a bunch
of orders ahead of yours,

but I'll push yours through,
and it's on the house.

- Wow, thank you.



- She'd like a pitcher
of beer too.

One glass.

- You know, Melanie,

if you weren't
such a nice person--

- but I am a nice person.

- I'm not, tell me.

- Well, I'm just saying,
Melanie's not capitalizing

on all the brain tumor perks
out there.

- Victoria,
that's terrible.

- No, no, she's right.

You should see the way
my mother

milked her breast cancer.

Maybe there's a better way
to put that.

- Yeah, but if I use my tumor
to get stuff,



doesn't that make me
a bad person?

- Did you see the smile
on that woman's face?

You made her day.

You're being a bad person
if you're not a bad person.

- Yeah, but, you know,

I don't even know
what I'd use it for.

- What about
those chase Jackson tickets

you've been going on
and on about?

- But it's sold out.

[Gasps]
Hey, do you think

if I wrote him
about my condition,

I could maybe
get some tickets?

- Now you're using
your brain tumor.

- You know,
I wonder if the tumor

could be a good thing
for all of us,

not just Melanie.

- Well, it hasn't exactly
been a good thing.

- No, no, no,
my social media consultant

says that my tweets
are too self-involved.

But what if I asked
all my followers

to send
all their thoughts and prayers

to my sick friend Melanie?

And then they'd know
that I was

a caring, sympathetic friend.

- Victoria, thank you--

- not now, Melanie,
I'm tweeting.

- I wonder
if there's something

in that tumor swag bag
for me.

Ooh, look
at that cute young guy.

I'm gonna try something.

Melanie,
when I point to you,

look sad and pathetic.

Perfect.

- But I wasn't
doing it yet.

- Oh, pardon me.

I'm just a little distracted
and out of it.

I'm worried
about my friend.

She has a brain tumor.

- Wow, I'm sorry.

Is she gonna be okay?

- We don't know.

If only something
or someone

could help me forget,
even for a moment.

- [Gasps]
I can't believe it.

My Melanie tweet has been
favorited and retweeted.

Oh, everyone's sending out
their prayers.

And those prayers are working,
because I feel better already.

[Chuckles]
Oh, wait, wait.

Ooh, here's a nasty one.

Now who would write
something like that?

- I have a date.

Who knew, "my friend
has a brain tumor"

was such
a killer pickup line?

- Ahh, it's improved
my social media,

joy's got a date.

Oh, it's a shame
that we didn't

catch this tumor
in its earlier stages.

[Phone buzzes]

- Oh, my God.

It's back.

- What's back?

- The mcrib.

The mcrib is back.

- What the hell
is a mcrib?

- It's this sandwich
that's only available

for a very limited time.

And you never know
when it's coming back.

- Well, how did you know?

- I have an app.

- Elka, I can't believe
that you've been suckered in

by this ridiculous
marketing ploy.

Who cares
if the mcrib is back?

- The mcrib is back?

[Excited chatter]

- Now see what you've done?

Everybody knows.

- Well, I just
don't understand

how anybody can get excited

about some sauced-up piece
of cheap meat.

- I can't either.

But joy got the date.

[Upbeat music]

- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ hey!

- Melanie, your tumor
is a godsend.

Ah, the most wonderful man

responded
to my sympathy tweet.

Oh, I was up
half the night,

chatting with him online.

His name is Nick Logan.

He's a poetic cowboy

who lives on a ranch
in Wyoming,

which--spoiler alert--
is in America.

- Guess who's going out

with Cleveland's number one
morning dj.

- Oh, the guy you picked up
with my brain tumor?

- Yeah, we had a great time
last night.

Turns out, he's the morning
drive time guy for wjvb.

Oh, it's so nice
to have a guy

sneak out of your bedroom
at 4:30

because he has an actual job
to get to.

- Wait, you're talking
about Todd the bod

from the jackass gang?

- Yeah.
You listen to that?

- I'm a jackass junkie.

- His show's on right now.

- So this girl was hot?

- Smokin' hot.
Killer English accent.

And her body...
[Boing sound effect]

- [Laughs]

That's me.
I'm causing the boner sound.

- Aw.

- But check it,
when she went to the bathroom,

I snuck a look
at her I.D.

- Oh, no.

- I thought
I was banging a hot milf,

instead I was
riding miss Daisy.

- Todd the bod,
you are a dead man.

- [Deep breath]
It's my doctor.

Ooh.
Well, this is the call.

I had
my last radiation treatment,

and now the test results
are in.

I'm scared.

- Okay, whatever happens,

we're all here for you.

- Hello, Dr. delacorte.

Oh, my God.

Are you sure?

- What? Tell us.

- There's no sign
of the tumor.

My cat scan is clear!

[All laughing]

Thank you, doctor.

Thank you so, so much.

Oh, I can't believe it!

No more radiation,
no more treatments,

no more doctors.

Oh, my God.
[Laughs]

- I'll get the champagne.
- I'll get glasses.

- Shoot,
we're out of champagne.

I'll just shake up
a bottle of chardonnay.

[Phone chimes]

- Oh, well, this day
just keeps getting better.

I got an email
from chase Jackson's assistant.

Not only do I have tickets,

but I have backstage passes!

[Laughs]
All thanks to my brain tumor.

- You don't have
a brain tumor anymore.

- Oh, crap.
What am I gonna do?

- Well, you can still go.
Just tell him you're cured.

- No, I can't
tell him that.

- Why not?

- I may have implied
that it was incurable,

by using the word
"incurable."

Oh, I know I lied,

but I really wanted
those tickets.

Oh, look.

George clooney
is disgusted with me.

- No, no, no,
that's not his disgusted face.

That's his
"oh, it's okay.

You can do whatever you want,
you deserve it" face.

He gives it to me
all the time.

- He gave it to me
when I drank all the champagne.

- There you are.

I did not
give you permission

to talk about my personal life
on the radio.

- Okay, calm down.
- Calm down?

You've got some nerve,

mister, telling me
to calm down.

- Look, if I go on air
and say I had a great date,

it's not good radio.

But if I make you out
to be a crazy psycho bitch--

- but now
all of Cleveland thinks

I'm a crazy psycho bitch.

- First of all,
all of Cleveland?

I wish.
We get a two-share.

Second, I didn't
use your name.

- But I know
who you're talking about,

and so do my friends.

My son and grandson
could've heard.

- Grandson?
Really? Wow.

Okay, look.
Maybe I got carried away.

And I didn't mean to insult you
about your age.

I like a woman
with tons of experience.

- Tons?

You make it sound like I've
slept with thousands of men.

- Look, I get it.
And I'm sorry, joy.

- Okay, then.

It's not like I'm a prude
or anything.

And I was pleased to have
inspired the boner boing.

- Oh.

You get that, bro-man?
- All of it, bro.

We got
some killer sound bytes

for our show tomorrow.

- I'm a crazy psycho bitch.

I've slept
with thousands of men.

- That crazy chick
is a gold mine.

- [Typing]
Tell me more about Wyoming.

- [Gruff voice] Well,
it's true about the big skies.

A man can get lost
and found here.

- And how about a woman?

- You'll have to come here
and find out.

We'll go for a ride
at sunset.

We'll watch as the mountains
sip the last drops of light

from the sky.

Well, this cowboy's
got some work to do.

Talk later, beautiful?

- [Sighs]
I miss you already.

[Exhales]

Don't give me that look,
George clooney.

I know what
you're thinking.

Oh, you like the idea
of me falling in love again,

but you're worried
that I'm falling

too fast and too hard.

Well, can you trust
that I know what I'm doing?

Oh, thank you.

- I'm gonna kill him!

- We'll talk later.

What's going on?

- That dj tricked me.

I had it out with him,
and he recorded

every unflattering thing
I said.

Now my voice
is all over the radio

in horrible little
sound bytes.

[Over phone]
I'm a crazy psycho bitch!

- It's also available
as a ringtone.

- Oh, my God.

I'm the laughingstock
of Cleveland.

[Over phone] I've slept
with thousands of men.

- It was two for a dollar.

- What am I gonna do?
Why is this happening to me?

- Well, maybe we need
a man's opinion.

I'll go and ask Nick.

He's so wise
about so many things.

- You're really falling
for him, aren't you?

- Well, I've been so lonely
since Emmet, and--

oh, he makes me happy.

I mean, I know it's new,
but I feel like

we've known each other
for years.

- Well, we're happy
for you, Victoria.

I don't trust this guy.

A night of meaningful
conversation with Victoria?

It just doesn't add up.

I'm gonna do some digging

and get some intel on him.

- Joy is so cynical
about men.

Love can be found online.

- I agree.

- I mean, why can't Nick
be Victoria's soul mate?

- Only one reason
I can think of.

- Yeah, that's what?

- I'm Nick Logan.

- What?

- I'm Victoria's lover.

- You catfished Victoria?

You are the rugged,
poetry-loving rancher?

- [Western accent]
Yes, ma'am.

- Why would you do that?

- She called me a sucker

for falling
for the mcrib hype.

- So you seduced her

to make her look like
a sucker?

- Yes, at first.

- But then?

- Well, I've been
kind of lonely too,

and Victoria's
really taken with me.

- As Nick Logan.

- Well, she makes me
want to be a better man.

- This could not
get any weirder.

- I think I'm in love
with Victoria.

- Sure, why not?

[Doorbell rings]

Just remember, elka,
lies always have a way

of coming back and biting you
in the ass.

[Gasps]
Oh, my God!

You're chase Jackson.

- Yes, ma'am.

I'm looking
for Melanie moretti.

- That's me,
I'm Melanie moretti.

- You're Melanie?

From your email,
I was expecting a little girl.

- Told you to lay off
the emoticons.

- Yeah. Please, come in.
This is my friend elka.

- Nice to meet you, ma'am.

- Uh, would you like
to sit down?

- Sure, but you should
sit down too.

You're probably weak.

To quote your email,
"sick-face emoticon,

hospital-bed emoticon,
gravestone emoticon," right?

- Right, my brain tumor.

- What you're going through
is very close

to my heart, Melanie.

My mom fought
the same battle twice.

So I brought
these concert tickets in person,

hoping I could make
whatever time

you had left
shine a little brighter.

- Thank you.

- So, chase,
you live on a ranch?

- I do.

- My buddy Nick Logan

has a million acres
in Wyoming.

- A million acres?

- Uh...
Is that too much?

- Thank you so much

for bringing these tickets
in person.

But, you know,
I can't help but think

that someone else
could use these more than me.

- Listen to you,
thinking about others

when you've got
an incurable brain tumor.

- 100,000 cows.

Is that a lot?

- Not if you have
a million acres.

Well, I should go.
I've got a sound check.

Look, maybe after my show,

we could get together
and have a drink or something--

- oh.
- I'm sorry. Can you drink?

- Well, yes.
I am over 21.

- No, I meant
with the brain tumor.

- Oh, yes.

They allow it
when it's incurable.

- Well, then it's a date.

Pleasure to meet you, ma'am,
and you, Melanie.

- Okay.

- Hey, you know,
I've got a song in my head.

It was gonna be
about Tequila,

but now I'm gonna
make it about you.

- I've discovered the identity
of Victoria's secret lover,

and you are not
gonna believe who it is.

Both: It's elka.

- Hey.

How'd you find out?

- Well, she told me.

Apparently,
it started as a joke,

but now they have feelings
for each other.

- [Western accent]
I just can't quit her.

- Oh, dear God.

- Elka, you have got
to tell Victoria the truth.

And you can't wait

'cause it's just
gonna make it worse.

She's very vulnerable
right now.

- Well, Nick is going
through some stuff too.

It gets lonely
on that ranch,

just him and Whitman.

- Who's Whitman?

- His trusty bald eagle,

who lays
a fresh breakfast egg

for him every morning.

- Yeah, you gotta end this
for you too, elka.

[Playing guitar]

- ♪ And the angels cried

- wow.

That is
such a beautiful song.

- I wrote it for you.

You're so brave
and so strong.

- Oh, listen.

I am really
not that brave.

- That's what my mom
used to say.

I'm gonna donate the profits
from that song

to my mom's charity,
to help people

going through what
you're going through.

What do you think?

- I think that I would hate

for anybody to be
going through

what I'm going through
right now.

- Victoria, I wanna
talk to you about Nick.

- Really?

Oh, thank you.

You know how it is
at the beginning of a romance.

All you wanna do
is talk about him.

Ahh.

What I wouldn't give
to feel his arms

around me right now.

- I know.

- I'm so glad
you understand.

Melanie and joy
think I'm being foolish

and that I should
just end it,

but, oh, I can't.

- Oh, he's a hard man
to say good-bye to.

- You know, I'm thinking
of taking him to Paris.

- Paris?
Oh, I've never been.

I--
has he ever been?

- Or maybe we should meet
on his ranch.

Oh, the way
he describes the sunsets--

the mountains sip the light
from the sky.

- No, no,

the last drops of light
from the sky.

- Yeah, that's it.

"The mountains sip
the last drops

of light from the sky."

Wait a minute.

I never showed
anyone that.

How could you possibly know,
unless you were--

oh, my God.

- Well, this is, you know,
really kind of fun,

going around,
doing these interviews with you.

- Well, you inspired
the song.

You know, I got another song
about a woman

who's in prison for shooting
her cheating husband.

If I change a few words,

that song could
be about you too.

[Phone ringing]

- Oh, shoot,
my friend needs me.

She just found out
her sexy cowboy boyfriend

is a 92-year-old woman.

I'll go take this outside.

- Hey, chase.
Todd Elliot. Big fan.

- Okay, Todd,
you're on in three, two--

- hello, everybody,
Todd the bod here

with country superstar
chase Jackson.

Ooh, wait.

Sorry, chase,
this crazy British chick

I went out with is calling me
on my cell phone.

But don't say anything.

I don't want her to know
she's on the air.

Hello, sweetheart.

- [Over phone]
Hello, scumbag.

Remember how you bragged that
you had a harley and a pool?

Well, now you have a harley
in a pool.

Who's the psycho bitch now?

- Oh, it's still you.

- I only dated you
because I was testing out

my friend's tumor perks.

Well, the joke's on you,

because Melanie
doesn't really have a tumor.

- You don't have a tumor?

- Well,
not in the medical sense.

- Melanie,
what are you doing there?

- Joy, shut up.

You're on the air.
- I'm what?

- Can't you just go
to commercial or something?

- Are you kidding?

- Fine.

Okay, my tumor is gone,

but I only found out
after I sent the email.

- Your email
said it was incurable.

- Maybe your song cured me.

- Melanie, darling,
just get out of there.

And don't do
that little wave thing.

It's not as cute
as you think it is.

- Hello, elka.

- You're still mad?

- Well, naturally,
I was upset,

so I drove around
to get over it,

and then I saw a sign
advertising the mcrib.

Well, I took the sign
for a sign,

and I did something
that I've never done before:

Placed an order for food
by yelling into a box.

- Well, thank you,
Victoria.

- Well, you know,
something good

did come out of this.

Now I know
that I am truly ready

to move on from Emmet.

Although it's gonna
be hard to find

someone as perfect
as Nick.

- Ah.

- I'm really
gonna miss him.

- I'm really
gonna miss him too.

- I think I liked
our emails best

in the middle
of the night.

- You, all warm and sleepy.

- You, a little boozy.

[Both chuckle]

- Now it's getting weird.

- Mm.

- Here's to Nick Logan.

- A man so perfect, only a woman
could've invented him.

[Upbeat music]

- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba

♪

♪ hey!