Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 7 - The One with George Clooney - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, ladies.

Do you see the perpetrator in this lineup?

Could number four take his shirt off?

Why?

Why not?

It's my tax dollars, right?

It's number three.

Number three, step forward.

- He's the one.
- Definitely.



- Dirty, rotten bastard.
- Fine.

He can take his shirt off too.

Oh, no.

It's happening again.

I just walked into the kitchen
and forgot why.

I think I'm losing my mind.

Oh, please. That happens to everyone.

But I don't like things happening to me

that happen to everyone.

Although I know that it's common

for a woman to start losing her memory

in her early 40s.

You've already forgotten your age.

I was born in 1968.



Wait, I thought you were born in 1969.

Oh, my God, I've forgotten my fake age.

Oh, and memory is so important
for an actress.

I mean, what if I can't remember my lines?

I've been so worried
that I haven't slept for weeks.

Well, you could always do
sudoku or brain exercises.

So it's come to this.

I have to work on my brain

like an ugly woman.

I wish I could turn
my brain off for a little while.

I mean, between radiation appointments

and doctor visits and worry,

I am sick and tired
of being sick and tired.

And I am tired of people asking how I am

with the sad "are."

"How are you?"

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

people don't really care how you are.

No, they're just glad
that they're not the ones

with something as weird
and gross as a brain tumor.

Matt and I broke up.

Oh, so he was cheating.

Actually, he wasn't.

Jeez, you put one GPS tracker
under a guy's truck,

and they get all,
"ooh, you don't trust me."

Joy, honey, I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too. I'm the one who fixed you up.

I just thought that dating a therapist

would be a good idea.

Me too.

But the problem with dating a therapist

is when they break up with you,
it's like a diagnosis.

He said I had no chance
at a healthy relationship

until I can trust someone.

So I have two choices.

Either I can sit back and wait for Simon,

the love of my life, to return,

which might not happen

until I'm an old, withered woman...

So, like, any day now.

Or blindly trust the next guy I meet.

I can do that.

Oh, I think Matt's a little sad too.

He's just driving around aimlessly.

Wait, he's stopped...

In front of a bar.

That bastard's already looking
for another woman.

No, no, no, no, he's moving again.

Yes.

I can do this.

The solution to all your problems

is to get a dog.

That's your solution to everything.

What are you knitting?

It's a beer cozy for Roy.

To keep his beer warm?

Well, his gums can't take cold beer.

I've chosen to find that sexy.

Elka!

This is a surprise.

I made this for you.

Oh, a beer cozy.

Well, we'll have to have
a warm beer together sometime.

Well, there's no time like the present.

Your mother's out of town, right?

Yeah, but...

Elka!

Mamie Sue!

What are you doing here

in my boyfriend's house?

Your boyfriend's house?

I've been waiting for the right time

to tell you both.

Something tells me

this still might not be the right time.

look who found a dog for us.

We never agreed on getting a dog.

Yeah, don't listen to Elka.
We do not need a dog.

Really?

Not even this one?

Oh!

Okay, I will do absolutely anything

to get that dog.

Well, I put in an application for him,

and they're gonna send over
a home inspector next week

to see if we're dog-worthy.

So we have got to be good,

because everybody wants him.

Well, what do we do? Who do we pay?

Who does Joy sleep with?

No, things like money and sexual favors

aren't gonna do the trick.

Wow, we really aren't in L.A. anymore.

I'll get it.

Oh, hello.

Doug Wyman, home inspector
from the rescue center.

Oh, we didn't think
you were coming until next week.

Well, we find we learn more
from surprise visits.

I noticed oleander in the yard.

We'll fire oleander at once.

Victoria, our gardener's name is Hector,

and oleander is a plant,

and it's going right away.

Please come in. We really want this dog.

We've been looking at his pictures,

and he's just so cute, we could eat him up.

Not literally.

Just that he is so adorable.

We're not gonna eat the dog.

That's exactly what a dog-eater would say.

Let's move on to basic care and welfare.

Sit.

Where will the dog be sleeping?

With me,

as long as he buys me dinner first.

I'm sorry.

I make jokes when I get nervous.

"Dog-eater. Makes jokes."

You, what do you plan to feed the dog?

Oh, I don't know.

Have dogs gotten on the kale bandwagon?

Wow.

What's your position
on chokes and restraints?

They're fine
as long as you have a safe word.

I don't even have a box to check for that.

I think I've heard enough.

I'm gonna see myself out.

No. No, please don't go.

We would make a great home for this dog.

I've been sick, and I just...

I really need something
to take my mind off myself.

And I've lost all trust in men,

so unconditional love from a neutered male

is just what I need.

And I'm a famous actress...

Who played an uptight female president

who swapped bodies with a dog
in the American Presidoodle.

I've never seen that movie.

Oh, then you've never taken
the amtrak night owl

from Santa Fe to calgary.

Please just give us a chance.

Fine, I'll stay a bit longer,
but I'm gonna need some coffee.

On it.

Also, I'm gonna want to check out

your dog-related work in that movie.

I have the DVD upstairs.

Thank God they're gone.
I need to see you alone.

To talk about the dog?

No, you're gonna be great with the dog.

You're clearly the beauty
and the brains of this house.

I don't know about that.

But is a secret meeting okay?
I mean, is that allowed?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

You worry too much.

Aren't you tired of worrying?

So tired.

Then meet with me.

Okay, but... oh, I have
a doctor's appointment.

Can I meet you at 2:00?

Perfect.

- Okay.
- Like you.

Oh, you're j...

Ah, Victoria.

Thank God that we're finally alone.

Why?

Well, you're clearly
the beauty and the brains

of this group.

Well, beauty, sure.

And talent, which you didn't mention.

But lately, I'm just not sure about brains.

You know, I keep forgetting things,

and I'm worried that I'm...

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Give that big brain of yours a rest.

All you have to do is remember

to meet me today alone at 4:00.

Can you do that?

Yes.

Fire oleander and meet you at 2:00.

You're adorable.

Now let's go check out that DVD.

Oh, that's what I went upstairs for.

- Nearly ready.
- Forget the coffee.

- I just wanted to get you alone.
- Why?

Well, you're not just
the smartest and hottest woman

in this house.

You might be the smartest and hottest woman

that I've ever seen.

Would you ever...

No.

- No, never mind.
- What?

No, I can see the mistrust in your eyes.

I'm gonna go.

No, wait.

I want to be more trusting.

Well, then, meet with me tonight.

But you and me...

I'm a little older than you are.

Well, women don't begin to be beautiful

until they hit 40.

I thought only women over 40 said that.

Shh, shh, shh.

Shh.

Do you hear that wind?

It's saying, "throw caution to me."

Yes, I hear it now.

Elka, mamie and I
went out a couple of times

before you and I started
seeing each other again.

Well, what happened to you and Tommy,

the veterinarian?

We couldn't agree on bedroom temperature.

He likes it 80 degrees.

I was freezing.

Look, I've never been
in a position like this before.

Well, what do we do now?
We can't both date Roy.

Certainly not.

I have a plan.

Why don't you both date me?

That's not really a plan.

That's just you saying the opposite

of what we just said.

I'm a good guy.

I don't want to hurt either one of you.

But maybe this makes sense.

At our age, there are two women
for every man,

two buns for every hot dog.

Well, maybe this could work.

I guess.

I do like hot dogs.

I can't believe this.
You have a brain tumor too?

I'm so glad to find someone
who has this thing in common.

You know, other people try to understand,

but they can't.

And you know what the worst part is?

Yes.

But you say it.

It's how you tell yourself
that you're not gonna let

your illness take over your life,

but you can't stop it from happening.

- Stop it from happening.
- Yes!

Oh, exactly.

Do you ever feel like life is too short,

and if you see something you want,

even if you have to keep it a secret

from your closest friends,

that you should just

reach across the table and grab it?

- I do.
- Oh.

So you're forgetting a few details.

That proves that your mind
is meant for bigger things.

That is so true, Doug.

I mean, did Galileo know
where his car keys were

when he was working on his...

Science?

You're the nerd. You tell me.

- I did it.
- What?

I trusted you.

You left your phone on the table,

and I didn't look at it.

I didn't check your texts, your emails.

I didn't even swab your glass
for a future DNA test.

This is new for me.

I feel free.

Well, you don't just feel free,

you look it.

Your eyes, less narrow.

Your forehead, worry-free.

Joy, I don't want this to sound weird,

but you look like a teenager.

It's not weird,

but maybe taking it a bit too far.

The gentleman ordered a bottle of wine,

but I'll need to see some I.D., Miss.

Really?

Oh, all right.

I've never done this
with two other people before.

It seems like there's hands everywhere.

I know.

It's hard to know which area to focus on.

Mamie Sue, how about you do the top part,

and I'll go to town on the bottom?

But all the fun parts are on the bottom.

Oh, ladies,

there's plenty of puzzle to go around.

We're all gonna get our pieces in.

What if I'm done first?

Well, you can watch Roy and me finish up.

Do you ever think
about what you're going to do

once you're well?

Yeah, sure, all the time. You?

Well, I really want
to make a difference, you know?

Like, maybe add a wing
to the animal rescue center,

but money is just so tight these days.

- I could help.
- What?

No. No, I...

That's sweet, but it just
doesn't seem appropriate.

Doug, I would love to.

It's such a great cause.
I'll get my checkbook.

Or you could swipe your card on this.

So this will go right
into your personal account?

But then straight into the rescue fund.

But don't do it if you're having
even the slightest doubts,

which I can see that you are
by your wrinkled brow.

No, no. No doubts.

See, all smooth now like a teenager.

I've never done this before.

Bloop! Oh, this is fun.

Yeah. Then why not do it again?

Okay.

- Whoop!
- Whoop.

What are you doing here with us?

I thought you were going out with Roy.

That's not working out so great.

It's like he's the Sultan of Brunei,

and we're two supermodels
flown in to entertain him.

And how is it like that?

Well, we ate hummus and talked
about the price of gas.

You know what we have to do?

Make him choose.

And we'll just accept his choice

and not let it come between us.

Well, good, because
sharing a man never works.

Oh, can you imagine if we did that?

It'd be a nightmare.

Horrific.

The only male we're interested in sharing

is our new dog.

Oh, did the adoption go through?

Well, not officially,

but I'm pretty sure
we're gonna get approved.

Yes, I got a very good feeling from him.

As did I. Plus I slept with him.

What? So did I!

- Me too.
- Wha...

Oh, dear God, we're eskimo sisters.

So that bastard seduced all of us

all in one day?

He's efficient.

He told me he had a brain tumor.

He told me he had trust issues.

He said I was a genius.

Well, at least
you didn't give him any money.

Oh, my God.

We called the shelter.

You don't even work there.

You were just volunteering
and stole their database.

That's for being a liar.

That's for not having a brain tumor.

And this is for calling me brilliant.

You've got it all wrong.

I'm not some jerk who preys on older women.

Older women?

Women of all ages looking for dogs

are often looking for something else.

Yes, I took some of your money,

but I also gave you what you wanted.

Melanie, I helped you
forget about your brain tumor.

And, Joy, I helped you trust again.

And, Victoria, I made you feel smart.

So what's the harm?

You bilked us out of thousands of dollars.

Well, my guess is you've paid more

for things that didn't make you
feel as good.

Okay, he's not all wrong.

I sent all my kids to private school,

and they're all dopes.

And I must admit
it was nice to be with someone

who was going through the same thing I was,

even though he wasn't really.

I did like the feeling of letting go

and trusting someone,

though he wasn't to be trusted.

And I did feel smarter,
which doesn't make any sense.

I mean, how can sleeping with someone

improve your memory?

Maybe it's not that

you've been sleeping with someone.

It's that you've just been sleeping.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I just needed a good night's sleep.

You know, I suppose if he offers

to give us back our money,

he doesn't have to go to jail.

He escaped.

Oh, my God.

This is exactly what happened
in American Presidoodle 2:

All the Presidoodle's men.

Maybe that was a little different,

because in that movie,
she faked her own dognapping

to fool the Russians.

You're absolutely sure
number three is the perp?

- Oh, yeah, that's him.
- Oh, without a doubt.

All right, numbers one, two, and four,

you're free to go.

Don't do this to me, baby.

I lied to the other two,

but you're the smartest, sexiest,

most beautiful woman that I've ever met.

Aw.

Come on, ladies. It's a two-way mirror.

He can't even see who he's talking to.

If it makes you feel any better,

he's preyed on a lot
of other vulnerable women.

My suggestion? Get a dog.

That's what I said.

You've got to choose, Roy.

No more menage a trois,

which is unfortunate

since those were the only three words

I knew in French.

But I can't choose between you two.

Roy? Who's out there?

Your mother's home?

That's what I'll do.
I'll let mother decide.

She always knows what's best for me.

We'll be right back.

Mother?

Put your housecoat on.

I want you to choose my girlfriend.

You know what, mamie Sue?

You can have him.

Oh, now that I think about it,

you should have him.

How about we both get out of here?

No rush. Isn't she 112?

Oh, that's what she claims.

She's 114 if she's a day.

Guess who gave George Clooney a bath.

Aw.

Oh, I'm so glad we picked
a good name for him.

Now we can all honestly say
we've slept with George Clooney.

Just remember, he's a dog, not a person.

We don't want to become
those wacky middle-aged women

whose lives revolve around their pets.

Then I guess you don't want
to see him in this.

Oh!

Oh, dear God, that's cute.

It's adorable. Put it on him now.

No, seriously. Put it on him, now.