Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 5 - Elka Takes a Lover - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Are we ready?

Now, this is the red carpet

for the Cleveland Rhapsody
premiere, and you are the press.

Ms. Chase, who did you
bring with you tonight?

Oh, I brought my daughter Emmy.

And no, she's not my sister.

No one said that.

Someone will.

Emmy is an actress as well,

starring in the upcoming
TNT series Cole's Law.



Coleslaw?

No, it's Cole's Law.

She plays Bethany Cole,
a Miami Beach lawyer.

Oh, well, it'll be great to see Emmy again.

I don't know who I'm
gonna ask to the premiere.

Who are you asking, Joy?

Stone Van Buren.

My boss' cousin.

Well, at first I was skeptical,

but then Bob showed me
his picture at the office.

He's a model.

I'm dating a model.

We've been flirt texting,

but I'm ready to officially invite him.



Well, this is good.

You're getting over Simon.

Well, not really.

But you know how
sometimes people are so hot

they make you forget how
much you love other people?

Oh, I've been there.

Oh, he texted back.

"I'd love to go."

"In fact, I've been wanting
to ask you out for a while."

"#Secretcrush, haha."

Oh, no, why is he texting like a loser?

No, this is my phone!

I was in the middle of texting
my dentist about my appointment.

Now my dentist thinks I
asked him to the premiere.

Oh, it's him.

Hi, Dr. Wormser.

Okay, Larry.

Oh, yes.

About that text...

Uh, oh, no.

I've never been told
that I have foxy bicuspids.

Okay, see you then.

I hate you.

I'm sorry.

I just don't feel sexy
wearing my reading glasses

when I'm texting men.

Ugh, now he's texting me.

Oh, he wants me to friend him on Facebook,

follow him on Twitter,

and he just posted a photo
of my mouth on Instagram.

Thanks to you, Joy,

I am dating a chronic status updater.

Melanie, sweetie, I'm sorry,

but there can only be so much happiness

in the world at one time,

and right now, it's mine.

I'm going out with a model.

I have a major announcement to make.

Hey, that's my thing.

I've taken a lover.

Hey, that's my thing.

Sorry to interrupt. I'm Luke.

Hey, babe, um,

what's the wi-fi password?

My measurements.

I've got those memorized.

Okay, I'll say it.

What the...

That must be Emmy.

Emmy, my darling. Oh.

Hi.

The dry cleaner was dropping this off.

I said I'd bring it in.

Oh, thank you.

Congratulations!

It's beautiful, isn't it?

What a surprise.

I know.

I usually shy away from this color,

but I thought, it's a premiere, so why not?

Not the dress, you idiot, your daughter.

Oh, my god.

You... You got fat.

Sync and corrections by oykubuyuk

I'm eight months along.

Well, you look beautiful,
and I'm so happy for you.

But I'm a little surprised.
Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't think you'd approve

of me getting pregnant
while my career was taking off.

Well, it's not ideal,

but if the Kardashians
have taught us anything,

it's the value of a baby bump.

Now, obviously we missed

the "is she or isn't she" cover stories,

but we can still speculate
on who the celebrity father is.

I know who the father is.

His name is Alan. He's a teacher.

Oh, on what show?

He's not an actor.

He's a fourth grade social studies teacher.

Darling, call me old
fashioned, but in my day,

an actress got knocked up
by her director or co-star.

And I'm not knocked up. I'm married.

Oh, that's lovely.

You're... You're married?

We eloped after I found out
that I was pregnant with Melon.

And who is Melon?

That's the baby's name.

Melon?

As in short for Melanie?

No, Melon as in the fruit.

Melanie's such a dated name.

It makes me think of a sad, old
woman sitting in an armchair.

You do realize my name is Melanie.

She may have forgotten
that she met you before.

She has a brain tumor.

Oh, hi, Melanie.

I'm Emmy.

Hey, babe? Um...

I'm running our bath.

Are you feeling jasmine or lavender?

Surprise me, lover.

And on that delicious note,

I need to be going.

Don't want to be late for my lunch date

with Stone Van Buren.

Ooh, he sounds sexy.

Indeed he is.

And I don't want to be late
for my dentist appointment

with Larry Wormser.

Ooh, he sounds less sexy.

Indeed he is.

Well, now that I'm over the shock of it,

I do think that this baby
could be a blessing in disguise.

Now, the first thing to do
is sit down with your publicist

from Coleslaw.

It's Cole's... Law.

Anyway, I'm quitting the show.

I have too much on my plate for Cole's Law.

Well, now I'm just hungry.

What do you mean you're quitting the show?

I'm gonna be a stay-at-home mom.

- A what?
- Oh, here we go.

Look, I said nothing about the pregnancy.

You said it wasn't ideal.

I kept quiet about the marriage.

You said that I should have
gotten knocked up by a director.

But I can keep silent no longer.

You can't quit.

Being an actress has always been our dream.

Being other people is who we are.

And being pregnant changed all that.

I don't want to raise my
child in an environment

that is so superficial and meaningless.

Oh, you're saying that my life

is superficial and meaningless?

No, I'm saying that what we do

is superficial and meaningless.

Oh, well, then, maybe you don't need to go

to something as superficial
as a movie premiere.

Oh, well, maybe I don't.

Let's go, Melon.

And do not let this waddle
undermine my dramatic exit.

Joy.

Bob, what are you doing here?

Well, I heard you had a lunch date

with my cousin Stone.

Thought I'd introduce you,

smooth the way.

Okay.

Guess he's late, huh?

- Yeah.
- I'll text him.

Oh, that's not necessary. We could...

No.

Let me explain.

You're Stone Van Buren?

Oh, I don't need to explain.

But we've been texting, sometimes sexting.

Yes, some of our exchanges were quite racy.

But perhaps a part of you knew
you were texting me all along.

No part of me knew that.

Wait, if you're Stone,

who's this hot guy in
the picture you texted me?

Oh, that's a pic from GQ.

It's supposed to inspire me
to eat better and exercise more.

I guess we can both see it's been working.

So you just make up a fake cousin?

I had my reasons, Joy.

Look, I mentioned you
to my parents in Canada.

They saw your picture,

and, well, they made some assumptions.

What do you mean, "assumptions"?

They assumed I was telling the truth

when I said you were my fiancee.

Your fiancee?

Joy, my mom and dad think I'm a huge loser,

but since they found out I could
land a beautiful woman like you,

well, they're just dying to meet you.

Well, that's not going to happen.

I will not be part of this charade,

flying up to Canada to meet your parents.

No need, they're right here.

What?

This is insane.

I have to tell them that you fabricated

this entire thing.

Oh, Joy, no, wait.

- Hi.
- Uh...

Listen, Bob and I... We're not engaged,

and we're not a couple.

And sorry to disappoint,
but we never will be.

Oh, look.

They've taken the news quite well.

They don't seem upset at all.

My parents are deaf, Joy.

They don't read lips.

They didn't understand
a word you just said.

Yeah, uh-huh.

What's he saying?

He says he can't believe you're real.

He was sure I'd made you up.

Well, I've seen sign language
before, and that didn't look...

oh, we don't use standard sign language

because, well, I never
really got the hang of it.

It's hard.

No. No, mom.

I don't think she's too old.

Bob, your parents aren't very nice.

Oh, and you just assumed they'd be nice

because they're deaf.

No, because they're Canadian.

Well, if you think they're mean here,

you should see what
comes out of their hands

when we're at home.

Oh, you poor thing.

Just tell them that I
care for their son very much.

Joy, they're deaf.

If we really want to convince them,

I'm afraid they'll have to

read our lips.

Oh, fine.

- Mom says...
- Yeah. Yeah.

I know what that one means.

Ah. Hold on.

Quick shot.

I'm posting this on Twitter.

#Ivebeeninhermouthallmorning.

Because he's my dentist.

So what is it you do, Luke?

Oh, live, learn, love.

I'm a bit of a renaissance man.

Renaissance faire man.

Elka and I role-play.

She's the village milkmaid.

My milk churns bring
all the boys to the yard.

Did you patch things up with Emmy?

No, I made it worse.

She's packing and booking a flight home,

and the hardest part is, I know her.

She'll be miserable if she gives up acting.

That is the tough part
about having adult children.

You have to let them make
their own choices and mistakes.

You know, as the man of the house, um...

I don't know, I feel like
I need to weigh in here.

Um, you know, my grandfather was critical

of the way my mom was living her life,

so she never let me see him,
and I never got to know him.

Elka's lover is right.

I want to see my grandchild.

I want to be a part of Emmy's life.

So I've just got to apologize
and keep my opinions to myself.

Oh, well, sometimes a little fighting

can be a positive thing
in a relationship too.

Elka and I have gone a few rounds,

haven't we, babe?

But then again, things
are bound to turn hot

when fire meets fire.

You sure you can keep your
opinions to yourself, Victoria?

I'm doing it now.

Oh, my beautiful daughter,

so plump with child.

I'm so happy you stayed in Cleveland

to be with me on my big night.

I'm glad we made up.

Thank you for saying that
you agreed with all my choices.

Well, it's easy when
your choices are so great

and carefully thought out.

Instagram time, people.

I'm gonna tweet this photo.

Hey, how about a retweet

for Cleveland's most interactive dentist

from the star of Coleslaw?

It's Cole's Law.

What did I say?

And I closed my account now
that I'm having the writers

kill off my character.

What?

But, darling,

if they kill off your
character, you can't go back.

That's what I want.

I mean, you can't really
be a good mom and keep acting.

Oh, I kept acting.

Yes, you did.

Wow, a lot of unresolved
parent-child issues there,

eh, Joy Toy?

You're one to talk.

A middle-aged man
pretending to have a fiancee

to please his mean, deaf parents?

- Be a man and stand up to them.
- I've tried.

I just can never find the right gestures.

Yes, I was a working mother,

working to provide you
with anything you wanted.

What, you think all the other children

had Mandy Patinkin come
to their sixth birthday party?

I didn't know who he was,
and I wanted Urkel.

I still don't know what that is.

Don't you understand?

I don't want to be a mother like you.

Take that back.

- I won't.
- Fine.

A dramatic pause then.

Punctuated by an angry sigh.

I'm sensing kind of a bad vibe here.

Maybe a drink would help?

Can I freshen that for you, babe?

I'm good, lover.

Okay.

#Confused.

What exactly is your guys' deal?

There's no deal, man.
We just enjoy each other.

Our souls touch.

And everything else.

Oh, I feel sick.

We all do, honey.

It's not that.

Something's happening.

- What?
- What?

- Emmy.
- Emmy, are you okay?

- Something's happening?
- Yes.

Melon is telling me that
he or she wants to come out.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Melon doesn't want that.

What's that, Melon?

Oh, you want the red carpet
to go on as scheduled?

You can do this, Emmy.

Now, I went into labor
when I was in the hot tub

with Don Johnson shooting
a scene for Miami Vice,

and I held you in until they yelled "cut."

You held back labor
and stayed in a hot tub?

With Don Johnson!

Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait a minute.

You just allowed your face
to become unattractive.

It's real pain.

You're really in labor.

I thought you were
just trying to pull focus.

I was at first, but then
the real thing kicked in.

Even I'm not that good of an actress.

She's not wrong. I've seen Coleslaw.

It's Cole's... Law.

Ooh!

It's okay, honey.

All right, we're gonna go
straight to the hospital.

What about the premiere?

Emmy, my baby is having a baby.

Now, that's all that matters.

But there's no time.
This baby is coming out.

- You're a doctor. Do something.
- Me?

All I could do is tell her she's
brushing her teeth wrong.

I could tell all of you that.

I know what to do.

Look, her contractions are coming

less than a minute apart,

so she's in the second stage of labor.

My mother was a midwife.

The only porn I saw as
a kid was birthing videos,

but stop them in the right place,

they get you there.

Squeeze my hand and breathe.

Let's get ready for that beautiful baby.

Don't you worry, Emmy.

I know what I'm doing.

You just try to relax.

Luke, sing our bath time song.

♪ In silken robes of Scarlet ♪

♪ Scarlet fringed with blue ♪

Thanks, we're good.

No, I like it.

♪ My Elka love comes a-riding ♪

♪ charging through the dew ♪

- Oh, my.
- She's adorable.

- Aw.
- She's so beautiful.

#Thathappened.

Emmy, she is so beautiful.

I know. She looks like you.

Oh, honey.

Mom, I'm sorry about
all those things I said to you.

I was scared just now, but I kept thinking,

my mom's here, and she's
gonna know what to do.

Well, I'm sorry too.

Look, I was just feeling guilty

about not being there as a mom and...

But when you became an actress,

I was just so happy because
we had that connection.

But I understand that
you are a separate person,

and I respect the choices you've made.

- I love you, mom.
- I love you too.

And you are a very lucky little girl.

Bob, thanks for everything.

- You were a real rock.
- Oh, really.

Yes, that was very impressive, Bob.

Maybe there's a little Stone
Van Buren in you after all.

Oh, well, maybe I could arrange

to put a little Stone Van Buren in you.

And you had to ruin it.

We're at the theater, Ms. Chase,

and your daughter's
ambulance should be here soon.

Forget the premiere.

I'm going to the hospital with Emmy

and my grand...

My daughter-daughter.

Oh, my gosh, I have to call my husband.

Oh, oh, of course.

I keep forgetting that you're married.

Can't wait to meet...

That's Alan?

He's gorgeous.

He was a model.

Oh, my God.

That's Stone Van Buren.

That's who I thought he was.

Yeah, well, you got to admit
there is kind of a resemblance.

I mean, I used to do
a little modeling in my day.

Huskeralls:

Overalls for the portly child.

In his defense, he's still gorgeous.

Yes, he is.

I didn't marry him just
because he was a teacher.

Oh, you're still a little
shallow, aren't you?

- Yeah, little bit.
- That's my girl.

What's that, Melon?

You want to hear another glowing review.

Well, I can't say no to you.

Oh, here's one from
The Hawaii Tribune Herald.

"Victoria Chase stuns

in a layered heartfelt performance."

Wow, that Holo Kamehameha
really knows his cinema.

Oh, look at you.

The camera is gonna love you.

Oh, I see you have Emmy's original nose.

Well, I know what I'm gonna
get you for your 16th birthday.

Sync and corrections by oykubuyuk