Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Undead - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

That was great.

- You are amazing.
- Thank you.

You're not so bad yourself.

So do you want to spoon?

Yeah!

He wants to be the little spoon?

Yes, which makes me the big spoon.

- That's crazy.
- I know!

No woman should be the jet pack.

Well, was the sex worth it?



He did a couple of things.

Two that were good, one not so good.

It's rare to find
a man that's good at that,

- let's face it, right?
- You have a point, yeah.

Well, you should just tell him
the truth about the spooning.

What do you think, Simon?

I think you're confirming
my worst fear that anything I do

in bed will be analyzed and dissected

by a pack of critical females.

You have nothing to worry about.

Yeah, we have no idea
you're an uncut jewel.

Simon's right, no guy wants to
hear what annoys you about him.

I used to get annoyed
when Emmet used his neti pot

to clear his sinuses.



What I wouldn't give now
to see him pour salted water

in one nostril and watch it
slowly drip out of the other.

You know, one time he couldn't find it,

so he used that coffee creamer.

Now, stay strong, Victoria.
I'm working on a lead.

There's no phone or computer
I can't hack into.

Music to any boyfriend's ears.
Ah, well, I'm off.

Halle Berry is in town visiting relatives,

and Star Magazine wants a shot.

If I can find the smallest trace
of cellulite on her thighs,

I'll get the cover.

A shot of Halle Berry with
cellulite would make my day.

Oh, God, that would be so great!

- Right?
- Well, off to do God's work.

I'll walk you out.

- Now I can open these.
- Yes.

You never want to open shoes
in front of a man.

They always questions like,

"how can you walk in those things?"

Or, "don't you have six
pairs just like that?"

Or, "how can one pair
of shoes cost $3,000?"

I mean, they're idiots.

Hey, I didn't order these.

What are these monstrosities?

They're called "hiking boots."

All right. And what do you do with them?

- Excuse me, Miss Chase?
- Oh.

It's that new FBI agent who's following me.

Oh, Agent Monroe. What is it?

- Miss Chase...
- Yes?

I regret to inform you
there has been a plane crash

in the mountains of Kafiristan.
Your husband was on board.

There were no survivors.

What? Wha...

- Emmet is dead?
- I'm sorry for your loss.

- I have news about Emmet!
- I know.

He's dead.

No, he's not.

And I know where he is.

Emmet's alive?

He was spotted ten minutes ago.

Well, how can you be sure it was him?

that log on to that site
multiple times a day.

One, right here in this house.

Just one in this house? N-never mind.

The other is

from a remote region
in the mountains of Kafiristan,

and I just spoke to a villager there

who saw a tall white man

pouring water in and out of his nose.

Oh, my Emmet!

Honey, he's alive!

Oh, I have so many questions and emotions.

Why hasn't Emmet gotten in touch with me?

I haven't heard anything
from him since that note

that he left in my wedding shoe at...

Oh, my God.

The hideous boots.

"Victoria, here is the plan I promised you.

"I faked my own death,
hoping you might join me

in fake death until real death do us part."

Wait, he's asking you
to fake your own death?

That is crazy.

I faked my own death

to get out of the Columbia record club.

Mm.

He says a private plane
will be waiting for me

at noon on Sunday, and he
enclosed his wedding ring.

Could you...

"If I see you again,
slip it back on my finger.

"If not, keep it as a memento

of the man who remains
eternally yours, Emmet."

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. It... It's crazy.

I mean, if I go to Kafiristan,

then I won't ever see you guys again

or my children.

Honey, you can't seriously
be considering this.

Of course I would have to tell
my family the truth,

but they'd keep my secret.

Look, I know there are a hundred reasons

I shouldn't go, but there's one reason

I have to.

I love him.

Victoria, no, you can't go.

You don't even know where Kafiristan is.

I don't know where anything is!

But I know how to pop an Ambien
and get on a private plane.

Look, I have made my decision,

and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

Of course my public will expect
me to die in dramatic fashion...

Elegantly, cinematically.

I've got it... I am so despondent

over Emmet's death that
I throw myself off a bridge.

And no one can ever find my body.

Now I just have to stage my funeral.

I'll take care of that.

Have you ever planned a funeral before?

I've been planning three
of them since you moved in.

Mm, no, these are the smoothest.

Definitely go with dove dark chocolate

for the Victoria Chase memorial swag bags.

Shh, I'm on with CNN.

Oh, yes, hi, this is
Victoria Chase's publicist

with details about her death.

Tragic death.

Tragic death.

You're doing it all wrong.
I'll get the script.

Yeah, well, yes, grieving
the loss of her husband,

Victoria leapt to her death
from Veteran's Bridge.

Oh, my God! Victoria's dead?

Shh!

- Excuse me, Simon.
- Aah!

"She was so thin and weightless,

she barely made a splash."

"Services will be held Sunday at noon

at the Cleveland playhouse."
Yes, thank you.

What's going on?

Victoria's faking her death
because Emmet faked his.

Maybe it's because I'm in journalism,

but I think there might be a story here.

Simon, kitchen.

You can't reveal any of this in the press.

But an expose on Emmet would be huge.

I can see the headline now,
"Emmet Lawson is not really dead

because he faked his own death."

Don't worry, someone else
writes the headline.

Yeah, but you can't do that to Victoria.

Or me or us, right?

No, of course. I get it.

- Okay, then, thank you.
- Okay.

Mwah.

Simon promised he won't do the story.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, no! It's Mike.

The little spoon.

I forgot we were going out tonight.

Go hide, you're dead.

That's him? Pretty big for a little spoon.

I know! It's all wrong.

But I have a brilliant plan.

Tonight, I'm gonna beat him
to the little spoon position.

- Shall we spoon?
- Sure.

Hey, where are ya? My back's getting cold.

Be right there.

Unbelievable.

Halle Berry looks good in every photo.

Ooh, here's one.

Her legs look pale and pasty,
and I see some cellulite!

And it's me.

Wait, why do you have
a picture of Victoria?

And it's date stamped today.

Simon, you promised!

Sorry, it's a reflex action.

I see a celebrity misbehaving,
I snap a photo.

But Victoria is our friend.

Well, I could keep Victoria out of it.

Emmet is the real story.

But that would hurt Victoria too.

Well, all of my photos hurt somebody.

That's my job.

Well, if it's made you so callous,

maybe you shouldn't do that job!

Says the woman who just spent ten minutes

trying to find a trace of
cellulite on Halle Berry's ass!

That's different.
And don't ask why, it just is.

Simon, you said yourself
you were sick of hiding

in trees and dumpsters and taking pictures

of celebrities pumping gas.

Why do people want celebrities
to be just like us?

It makes no sense!

Joy, one photo of Emmet Lawson
alive would be worth millions.

I could get out of the game

and still pay for our grandson's education.

I wouldn't let that money go to wilbur.

Simon, if you do this, we're through.

What, you're threatening me now?

You can't tell me how to run my business.

Maybe not, but I can tell you
to get out of my bed!

Oh, fine!

- So what are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

But if we're gonna stay together,

you gotta learn that I'm the one

that wears the pants in this relationship.

Those are my pants.

I should have known!
They're busting my balls!

So once again, last night,
I was the big spoon.

I'm just gonna have to tell him
straight to his face.

Make a nice change
from talking to his neck.

- Has Simon called?
- No, why, what's up?

We had a fight.

He wants to break the story
about you and Emmet.

What? You've got to stop him.

I hope I did.

I told him if he went ahead with it,

he'd never see me again.

Couldn't you have
come up with a better threat?

Listen, what are we gonna do?

I can't do anything.
Everything is in motion.

I've got a plane to catch.

If Simon does this,

then Emmet and I are just

gonna have to stay one step ahead of him.

I can't believe you're leaving.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Me too.

You're my best friends,

and I love you.

I can't imagine what it's gonna be like

living here without you.

I know.

I've been the sun
that you three revolve around.

But still, I know,
it's hard to say good-bye.

You're making it easier.

I directed Victoria
in 27 lifetime original movies,

and although she never learned my name,

I was proud to call her my friend.

Thank you.

Sadly, Victoria's daughter
Emmy could not join us today,

but she sends these words.

"My mother was an angel
and an inspiration to me.

"We were blessed to have had such

"a bright, brilliant flame in our lives.

I will be heartbroken without her."

It's especially sad
when they're taken so young.

She lived a full life.

True, but still, she died young.

- Well...
- She was young.

And I know you remember this man.

Ram Sterling, from Edge of Tomorrow.

Victoria Chase was a miracle worker.

We did a scene on Edge
where she first shot me,

then made love to me

before leaving me to die
in an abandoned diamond mine.

When I read it, I thought, "no way."

But Vic acted it real, and it sang.

It was a gift to play
her brother all those years.

Now, some of you may know
that I am a amateur painter.

And in the final season
of Edge of Tomorrow,

Victoria graciously posed
for a nude portrait

on the condition that I would not show it

until after her death.

Oh, dear God.

Those are real.

- Simon!
- Before you say anything,

I deleted the photo, and I'm not
gonna do the story on Emmet.

But not because my girlfriend told me to.

I decided on my own.

Still, this girlfriend
must be pretty amazing

for you to do that.

She is.

Well, then you better not tell her

that I'm about to kiss you.

Thank you, Ram, for that, uh,
wonderfully graphic tribute.

And now, Victoria's dear
friend Elka Ostrovsky

would like to say a few words.

Victoria Chase may have been vain,

bubble-headed, and crazy...

But?

There's no "but."

Victoria was more than a friend to me.

She was a sister.

Loyal and generous

and wiser than she ever got credit for.

I'll miss you forever, my darling.

We all will. We love you, Victoria.

You are leaving a hole in our
lives that can never be filled.

May I say something, please?

Lucci.

Thank you so much.

And thank you, Victoria,

for so many, many, many

years of work.

Rising before dawn
to put on all that makeup...

In a brave but futile attempt
to hide the ravages of time.

And now, picturing her in a coffin

reminds me of those performances.

Stiff and lifeless,

held together with chemicals and glue.

Something best buried and forgotten.

Oh, Victoria.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry,

and I've kept that promise.

Thank you.

What?

We all know I deserved to win that year.

I can't believe Victoria is really gone.

I can't believe I miss her.

I'm worried about her.

I mean, it gets down
to 20 below in Kafiristan.

This is a woman who doesn't own
anything with sleeves.

Hello, everyone.

Victoria, you're here!

- Oh, honey, you didn't go!
- No, I just...

- I couldn't do it.
- Oh.

Of course, I had to go and just take a peek

at my own funeral, but... oh, look, I...

It just convinced me that
I had too many reasons to stay.

You know, I love Emmet,
but I can't just kill off

everyone else in my life.

But what am I gonna do now?

I mean, the whole world thinks

that I threw myself off a bridge.

Actually, nobody thinks that.

What?

We never reported your fake death.

No, but Melanie was on the phone with...

I was never on the phone with the press.

And that memorial service was staged.

It was a fake fake funeral.

Victoria, we know you.

A room full of people
singing your praises...

We knew you couldn't pass that up.

And once you realized
what you'd be giving up,

we hoped you'd come to your senses.

Oh, my God.

So none of those nice things
people were saying were true.

No, honey, they were true.

We told them that it was part

of a new reality show called
"Celebrity Funerals"

which we would film now

and air immediately after you do die.

I would watch that show.

Well, we're really glad you stayed,

and I'm sure Emmet will understand.

Oh, but it breaks my heart.

As happy as I am that Emmet is alive,

I'm never gonna see him again.

Oh, come on, you don't know that.

But no matter what happens,
we will help you through it.

Well, I'm counting on that.

Okay.

Goodbye, Emmet.

Until we meet again.

Why didn't you say anything?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Look, I've never spooned
the other way before,

but what the hell? A guy can change, right?

Okay.

- How's this for you?
- I love it.

I have got the biggest thank-you planned

for what you did today.

Well, before you thank my brains out,

which I'm very much looking forward to,

I want to talk to you about something.

Victoria's funeral got me thinking

about what I want to do before I die.

I want you to look at me
and see a good guy,

not someone who's remembered
for getting a photo

of Gwyneth Paltrow
in an unflattering bathing suit.

Does that exist?

Yes, but that's not important.

What's important is, you've
inspired me to make a change.

I quit my job.

You did? What are you gonna do?

Well, here's where it gets tricky.

A buddy of mine is making
a documentary in the Sudan,

and he's asked me to be part of it.

Oh, Simon, that's so exciting!

You've always wanted to do that.

Yeah, but I'd be embedded
with an elite military unit.

They want me to leave next week.

I wouldn't know where I was
going or how long I'd be gone.

Oh.

Well, of course, you have to say yes.

Are you sure?

I am.

I can't ask you to wait for me.

Don't get me wrong, I want you to.

I just don't think it'd be fair.

I feel terrible.

It's like it's 30 years ago,
and I'm leaving you again.

Only this time,
I'm being left by a better man.

Maybe we shouldn't talk about your leaving.

Yes, let's remember that we're British

and pretend that everything is normal.

Yes, keep calm and carry on.

Just how unflattering
was Gwyneth's bathing suit?

Hideous... Flattened her breasts
and gave her back fat.

Oh, yes!