Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 19 - Look Who's Hot Now - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, let's get him in his car seat.

Sounds good.

Elka, we've got to talk.

Look, I'm just a hairdresser,

but I know human nature
right down to the roots.

I think we'd better stop.

Why are they all laughing?

- I mean, I've seenp eople cheating before.
- What the hell is so funny?

Are we... are we taping this for good?



Yes.

Well, why the hell didn't you tell me that?

I don't need this stinking
book. Get it out of here.

Meet this cast here at Hot in Cleveland!

Are you ready?

- Hi, everybody!
- Hi!

Aw, you're a good audience.

Thank you so much for coming out.

We have a great show for you tonight,

and you guys are a very big part of it.

We also have our great writers

and our crew standing b... oh, what?

Oh, my God! Look who's here.

- Girl, get your butt over here.
- No.



Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kirstie Alley,

the star of the upcoming
TV Land series, Kirstie.

Girl, come on!

Come here. Come here.

She's so pretty!

Yay!

Thank you very much, Valerie.

I was just trying to be
a little bit incognito.

Hi, everyone!

Hi!

Kirstie, you can't be incognito.

- Yeah, I think you probably...
- So what are you doing here?

I... I don't know.

I was just rehearsing on the next stage,

and I wanted to see what
all the hullabaloo was.

You guys are making
quite a racket over here.

Actually, to tell you the truth,

I'm a huge fan of your show,

and I just wanted to
see if I could get some

inside info of what's
happening on the show.

Oh, so you want to be brought up to speed.

- Ah.
- Yes, I do.

All right, here goes.

This is the story of three best friends,

Victoria, Melanie, and Joy,

who decided to take a trip to Paris,

but the trip didn't go quite as planned

when they had to make an unexpected stop.

Cleveland?

While out on the town,

the ladies were pleasantly surprised

by the manly attention they received.

I haven't felt like a
piece of meat in so long.

They ultimately decided to stay,

but soon realized the house they rented

came with more than they bargained for.

Why are you renting to prostitutes?

Then, a bunch of other stuff happened.

Joy shot the son she gave up for adoption,

who later showed up with a baby of his own.

Victoria tried to reinvent her career

by creating a sex tape,

and doing a Japanese
commercial for adult diapers.

And Melanie, still trying
to get over her divorce,

was looking for love
in all the wrong places.

And Elka...

well, she's still Elka.

So, Kirstie, that's how they
became, Hot in Cleveland.

Yeah, that really wasn't
what I was looking for.

I was... I was looking
for something more juicy.

I don't know.

Some of us are a little dried up.

Well, can you give away
any exciting plot lines

coming up next season? You know,

- just between us girls.
- I don't think so.

Hmm. Musical numbers?

Nope.

- Nudity?
- No.

Male nudity?

What about characters

visiting from other TV Land series?

Absolutely not.

So how do you keep it fresh and funny?

I mean, where are all the crazy situations?

Kirstie, you may be new to television,

but the best sitcoms are all about

great characters and funny writing.

Yeah, you know, we don't
need any crazy antics

or ridiculous situations on our show.

Really?

Oh, Sugar! It's the cops!

Okay, so what should I do?

Call Victoria.

She's always good for an asinine scream.

Scream?

Oh, I wish I could just hop
on the next plane to Venice,

spy on him, and find
out if I can trust him.

- Room service.
- Avanti.

Oh, thank God you're
here. I need your help.

Caroline's girlfriend hit on me. Hit on me!

Oh.

Did you miss... oh...
um... we... what? What?

Oh, thank God you're here.
Caroline's girlfriend hit on me.

Hit on me! I need a plan.

Isn't that it?

- Isn't that it? No?
- No, can you buy the sex k...

- No, they cut it.
- Oh, bloody hell.

- Nobody told me.
- They didn't tell you?

- No.
- What?

That is a disgrace.

Oh, Elka, not this again.

She's head of the restoration
committee for the Fresco,

and she thinks the
restorer is taking too long.

Well, he is.

Give me a box of paints
and a six-pack of beer,

I'll knock that baby out tonight.

Guess who just got a part
in a Woody Allen movie?

Oh, thank God. He's with Victoria.

- You could have told us.
- All right, I'll answer.

I did it wrong.

Get out.

Maybe this was a stupid id...

I love it. Leave it in.

Sorry I'm not returning messages,

but I'm on vacation, and
I left my phone at home.

He hasn't seen my text.

He doesn't think I'm an idiot.

I hate to bring up the obvious,

but he will see them when he gets back.

And before you ask,

I will not help you
break into his apartment

so you can delete your messages.

That is a great idea.

Joy, are you okay? How did it go?

Hideously painful.

It stings and it itches.

Joy, how did it go?
Are you... are you okay?

It was hideously painful.

It stings and it itches.

Unh.

It's a miracle.

This stupid car has more
pieces than the puppet theater.

And it needs two "D" batteries.

Where are we gonna get those?

You guys have had some pretty
impressive guests on your show.

Yes, we have.

We've had a lot of
great actors on our show.

Mary Tyler Moore, Carol
Burnett, Craig Ferguson,

Heather Locklear, Rhea Perlman.

Oh yeah, and Rhea's on my new show.

Really? You know, we discovered her.

You're welcome.

Well, I sure hope I get
as many wonderful guests

on my new show. How do you do it?

- A really nice fruit platter.
- Private bathroom.

A sack of money.

And a little blackmail doesn't hurt.

Hmm.

Holy Cher, it's a baby!

Hold me!

Hello, Victoria.

Tell me what the hell
just happened in my church.

- You didn't see this.
- You didn't see this.

- You look familiar.
- You don't.

Don't I know you from someplace?

I don't... I'm... I don't know.

What's your sign?

"For rent."

We'll be working together a lot, so

rule number one...

you can't fall in love with me.

That won't be a problem.

Question...

- who are your top five...
- Hold, sorry, sorry.

Mm, come on, pull it together.

This would never happen on Modern Family.

You know what? I can still remember

when I guest-starred on your show.

I had so much fun.

- Kirstie, sweetie, you didn't guest
- Star on our show.

What are you talking
about? Don't you remember?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

It... it didn't happen that way.

Well, that's how I remember it.

Girlfriend, that was five minutes ago.

Well, it still counts.

At least on my show, everybody's
not fighting all the time.

- What?
- Hey, Kirstie,

we have the utmost respect
and love for one another.

Sorry you're so hideous.

And unlovable.

Have fun dying alone.

Nothing.

Ignore her, Joy.

Your big man-hands are
in perfect proportion

to your big man-feet.

How do I look?

You're giving off a Joy vibe.

Oh, no, I don't want to look that slutty.

Hey.

Aren't you guys a little

long in the tooth for silly superstition?

This from the woman who walked
into Caesar's palace and said,

"wasn't really like this."

Said the loosest slot in Vegas.

So is this your fantasy?

It's better than fantasy.

It's real.

You know what?

They can bite me.

What up, bitch?

Bitch. Bitch.

You're a good girl. Yes, you are.

Vegas, baby!

- Now you're just being an a
- Hole.

Was it hard pushing a stroller around

before the invention of the wheel?

You're at an awkward age
for television. That...

Don't make fun of an old lady.

It looks just like you.

There is a resemblance.

What... this freakish
creature looks nothing like me.

Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

- Hi, honey.
- Hey.

- Want me to get that for you?
- Yeah, thanks.

It's so nice having a man around the house.

You can open...

I can't get a good grip.

Do you have one of those
rubber, grippy things?

Yeah, I think so.

Ooh, pickles.

Don't feel bad. Joy has man-hands.

Yep, that's his epididymis.

This is just like Brett "Fav-er-uh."

Oh, this is just like Brett Farve.

It... it kind of...

- "Farve."
- Favre, Favre.

"Farv-ve-ve-ve-ve."

Oh, this is just like Brett Favre.

Oh, come to mommy, you
salty, greasy bit of heaven.

I'm gonna put you in my mouth.

I bet you wish you had a dime
for every time you've said that.

Victoria is a bitch.

I love that bird.

I give you Elka Ostrovsky's, "Man-hands."

Wait, what?

I was married to the mob.

I lived through the horrors of war.

But I have never seen anything

as terrifying as...

man-hands.

I wanted the "A."

So one of the reasons I stopped by

was because I thought maybe you
would have some pointers for me.

You mean, because of our
centuries of experience?

No, I'm actually talking
about in the men department.

I hear you guys stay pretty busy.

Oh, yeah.

It... it's regular "Sluts-ville" over here.

So, what's your secret?

Oh, we leave a bowl of food out,

and they just keep coming back.

I just rescued these puppies from a fire.

Marry me.

Elka! Elka!

You slept with Woody Allen?

Yes, and I feel terrible about it.

Guess what.

I have a date with my gynecologist.

They're called "appointments," dear.

I am through with men.

I am done with men, too.

Yeah, what the ? Oh, I'm sorry.

You are the best tutor ever.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I believe you and I

are going to become great friends.

He's more of a boy next door.

Positive,

upbeat...

What is he?

Very nice.

Boy, he's cute.

I'd flirt if I wasn't barefoot
and wearing a flowered tarp.

I look like a crazy person.

I need some subtle way to
let him know I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy.

Oh... you look amazing.

Help! Pervert!

I don't mean to speak ill of the dead,

but was he really this hairy?

Oh, he was a load of hair.

Once you've had carnal relations

with a gentleman of African descent...

it's quite unusual to go back.

Remember those giant muffins we loved until

we found out they were,
like, 1,000 calories each?

He's that good. He's muffin good.

Shut up!

She just get... you get
a twinkle in your eye.

I am not tw... I am not twinkling.

Well, we're just gonna
have to do for each other

what we did with the muffins.

Just eat the top?

At the end of the day,
men want something real,

not some over-exaggerated sex doll right?

Wow.

I mean, seriously.

I had no idea you were double-jointed.

Neither did I.

I like it rough.

Joy, are you in there?

- I forgot my key.
- And cut.

No, no, don't cut!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes!

Okay, you think they're
buying it out there?

Oh, trust me,

probably half the crew is
on the phone to TMZ already.

And... scene.

Oh, boy.

I didn't realize what
big sluts you all were.

So seriously, girls, what
final advice can you give me?

What is your secret to your success?

Hard work, and dedication to our craft.

Professionalism.

Mutual respect.

No more than three shots at lunch.

"Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba."

Uh, "yem-yee-yem-ah."

Yeah, yeah, "ee-beep."

"Nutta-taa."

- "Hib-i-de-bah."
- Yeah.

"Ahha!" "A-hee-ha-ha."

"Bomp-bromp-be-do-lo-plap."
Yeah, I messed up, whatever.

I sent him a slightly
younger picture of myself.

A cave drawing?

I signed up when my bender was over.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- You lied to me.
- Well, you lied to me.

Oh, you are... are out of order.

Where does it say you have lines?

"Trufo-go-dar-ah-ah-vidan-eh-d e-deet"

Action.

"Trufo-go-dar-duh, uh...

vad-e-ma."

Come on, Wendy, get it right. Here we go.

- Action.
- People, we're acting.

Speak for yourself.

I signed up when my...

You know how much I value our friendship.

You are the wings beneath my wind.

There you are.

It's time for tai chi.

And they're serving tai chi,
and they're serving chai tea.

There you are. It's time for chai tea.

There you are.

It's time for tai chi,

and they're serving chai tea.

Well, for... for...

I signed up when my bender was over.

In fact, that's my screen name,

"Bender Over."

And that's how you do it.

How many years have you girls been on?

- It's our fourth season.
- Yeah, 78 episodes.

Feels like 91.

I just hope I have some of the
success that you guys have had.

Well, we're very excited to see your show.

- Yeah, thank you.
- Whatever it's called.

Oh, it's called Kirstie.

Just Kirstie? That's original.

No, but you know, I... I kind of like it.

I mean, it's simple.

Maybe we should've named
our show after its star...

"Victoria."

No, I think actually,

"Melanie," has a nice ring to it.

Or simply, "Joy."

Oh, that's awful.

Everybody knows that

"Ostrovsky," is what
a hit show sounds like.

Your last looks, ladies.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Okay, you guys, you get back to work.

Have a great night, Kirstie.

Good luck with your show.
You're gonna be great.

Thank you so much for letting me stop by.

- I want a bell and roll please.
- All right.

Four banker, take three. Three cameras.

And clear.

And action.

That's your line, Betty.