Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - Life with Lucci - full transcript

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

[Frustrated scream]

Is Victoria
trying to iron again?

No, she's reading her daughter
Emmy's latest rewrite

of their Lifetime movie.

Oh.

This script
is a monstrosity.

Emmy's rewrite makes me
come off as some sort of

deranged Mommie Dearest.

This movie was supposed
to be my comeback vehicle,

but if I make this movie,
I'll be a pariah in this town.



Well...
Maybe not in this town,

but, you know,
in towns that matter,

like L.A. and New York.

Cleveland
is very forgiving.

It's like the elastic waistband
of American cities.

It's too forgiving.

Not this again.

She keeps nattering on
about some Cavalier baron

usurping king James.

Baron Davis!
Point guard for the Cavs.

See? She's just stringing
random words together.

Oh, thank God
you guys are here.

I've had the worst day.

Sorry,
but if you want to vent,



you're gonna have to take
a number and wait your turn.

I've been bikini shopping.

- Alone?
- Oh, dear God!

Have you lost your mind?

Bikini shopping
is a minefield.

One wrong thong
and you're a sumo wrestler.

One wrong top
and you're a ten-year-old boy.

One wrong
bathing suit skirt

and you're the hippo
from Fantasia.

Why torture yourself now?
Summer's months away.

I'm going
to Bermuda next week.

Woman's Day Magazine
asked me to speak at a seminar,

and they're having it at this
fabulous hotel on the beach.

Women only?
Oh, dear.

Men never look past legs
and cleavage, but women...

Oh, you'll be judged
mercilessly.

I'm judging you right now.

I know.

That's why I narrowed it down
to three suits.

If I can lose enough weight
to fit into this,

they'll say,
"She looks great."

But if I can starve myself
into this, they'll say,

"Has she had work done?"

But if I can dehydrate myself
into this, they'll say,

"Oh, my God,
I hate her."

I just want them
to hate me so much.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, what a surprise.
Flowers.

Victoria, did you send
yourself flowers again?

Yes. I had to.

I was that upset
about that script.

Actually,
they're from me.

Wait,
I know that voice.

[Gasps]

Hello, Victoria.

Lucci!

[Ominous soap opera music]

♪ ♪

I've been experimenting
with new ringtones.

Hello?

This is so exciting!

We've never had a big star
in the house before!

- I'm big, Elka.
- Well, sure.

Compared to her,
you're a moose!

- Hi, I'm Melanie.
- N-n-n-no.

No introductions.
She's not staying.

Victoria, please.

When All My Children
was canceled,

I had nowhere to turn.

I was curled up in my
jewelry closet, hoping to die.

And suddenly,
I remembered.

When your soap career imploded,
you came here, to Cleveland,

to find solace
among the little people.

Oh, please.
No one's littler than you.

If I popped your head back,
a pez would fly out.

Please, Victoria,
don't turn me out.

This is the lowest point
of my life.

Oh, boo-hoo!

I am not having 92 pounds
of pure evil under this roof.

90! I lost 2 pounds
from stress.

Stress!
That's what I need!

No, I'm a stress eater!
I don't need stress.

Now I'm stressing about stress!
Do we have any cookies?

Oh, come on, Victoria.

She's so cute.
Can't we keep her?

You two need to
talk this out in private.

Can someone show me
to my dressing room?

This is a house.
We don't have dressing rooms.

Oh, God,
I'll never survive in the wild.

Allow me.

Where did you get that?

It was made
for me by NASA.

National Association
of Soap Actresses.

- Here, try it.
- Oh.

That's it!
Skyhook!

Oh, I've got to
get a message to Baron Davis.

The skyhook is what he needs
to up his game!

I can arrange that.
I know people.

- Really?
- Well, of course.

I'm still Erica Kane.

I mean, Susan Lucci.

Wait...No.
That's right, Susan Lucci.

Good morning!
Oh, wow, what's all this?

Oh, I just whipped up
some goodies

to thank you all for talking
Victoria into letting me stay.

Oh, that's very sweet,
but I only have a week

to reach my bikini weight,
so I'll just sniff a grapefruit.

Oh, sweetie,
I have a miracle supplement

that'll make you lose
10 pounds by Saturday

no matter
how much you eat.

Those are the most beautiful
words I've ever heard!

Before you ask me
how my date went last night,

he cried all the way through
the Chipmunk movie.

Here, sad sack,
have a muffin.

I know a man
who'd be perfect for you.

He consulted on our
Doctors Without Borders episode,

and now he's with
the Cleveland clinic.

What's the catch?

Well, there is
one small thing.

He won't be
a doctor forever.

He has this crazy notion of
someday owning his own winery.

How fast
can you call him?

I can do it right now.

And then I'll call
Baron Davis,

and then I'll call
my nutritionist

about that diet capsule.

Where have you been
all our lives?

Mostly?
Pine Valley.

I'm gonna say it.
I like her better than Victoria.

Elka, we can't
like her better.

But we could
like her the same.

Well, well, well.

My so-called friends.

Usually, when I eavesdrop
from the back stairs

I get nothing,
but not today!

Now, don't you see that
she's only being nice to you

to further some evil plan
to destroy me?

You know, it is possible
there is no evil plan.

Oh, please, this is
Susan Lucci we're talking about.

Ugh! I have put up with
decades of abuse from her.

You remember the year
that she snuck my picture

into the "In Memoriam"
section of the Emmys?

Unlike you,
I intend to be vigilant.

As God as my witness,
I will never be Lucci'd again.

[Soap opera music]

Oh, I got a voice-mail!

Thank you so much,
she'll be thrilled.

Oh!
Good morning, Victoria.

Don't you
look lovely today.

Oh, you're good, Lucci.

That almost sounded sincere.

Like Erica Kane
when she impersonated a nun

to avoid arrest
for the murder of Kent Bogard.

Or maybe
you're just being paranoid,

like Honor St. Raven
when she thought her kitten

was trying
to read her mind.

But you forget
that they found a transmitter

in Buttercup's brain,

so I wasn't wrong then,
and I'm not wrong now.

No, the real you
is just beneath the surface,

barely concealed
by all that concealer.

This is
the real me, Victoria.

The new me.

All I want is a chance
to prove it to you,

like Honor St. Raven
proved the existence

of that whole
parallel universe.

Well, in that universe,
as in this one,

I have eyes
in the back of my head,

and they
will be watching you.

Excuse me, Elka?

Baron Davis?
It's really you?

Yeah, Susan sent me.

I hear you're some kind of
sports whisperer?

Yes.

Sit down.

Look, you've got
some great skills.

Well, thank you.

I have an idea that can
take you to the next level.

Um...

I think that's against
league regulations.

No, no!

I want you to bring back
Kareem's skyhook.

No disrespect,
but Kareem's a legend.

And the skyhook?
That's his trademark.

Well,
now it can be yours!

I have my own trademark.

My beard has its own
Twitter following.

Does your beard
have an endorsement deal

or date a Kardashian?

Give me that thing.

You're gonna love Joy.
She's a leggy British bombshell.

Really?

When the escort service
said that Susan Lucci

was hiring me
to seduce someone,

I just assumed it was some skank
you wanted to get even with.

You're confusing me
with Erica Kane.

I have only
the purest motivation.

Just cash lovingly
exchanged for sex.

Only sex?

You paid for the full
boyfriend experience.

Oh, absolutely.

I want her to know that men
can be decent and honest.

Did you memorize
your fake backstory?

Yes, I am a wine-loving,
commitment-seeking,

- doctor without boundaries.
- Without borders.

Oh, there she is!
Joy, sweetie!

Joy, this is
Dr. David Gethers.

David,
this is Joy Scroggs.

I hope I'm just
fashionably late.

I'd say gorgeously late,

and definitely
worth waiting for.

Well, doctor, don't you have
a lovely bar-side manner.

Oh, I just love a story

that's guaranteed
to have a happy ending.

Mmm.

Damn it!
She's not running from the law,

she doesn't need
an organ transplant,

and it turns out
that all that stuff

about her being in some
satanic cult was just a rumor

that I'm now remembering
I started.

People can change.

Thanks to her supplement,
I've lost 5 pounds!

I haven't been this happy
since the stomach flu of '94,

when I dropped
two jean sizes

in three wonderfully
horrifying days.

Baron Davis skyhooked
the Cavs to another win!

I love Lucci!

Wow.

Someone's dressed
to say yes.

I already said yes.
Last night.

I've never been with a man
who's so eager to please.

"Is it better like this
or like this?

Like this or like this?"

It was like the porn version
of an eye exam.

I'm off to meet him now.

Hey, Elka and I
are gonna go

for some big,
gooey cheeseburgers.

- You want to join us?
- No, I can't eat.

Lucci's the finger down
the throat of my happiness.

Well, suit yourself.

Hey, Elka, can you drive
so I can finish these?

Oh, sure.

- Victoria?
- [Gasps]

How do you just
appear like that?

Are you okay?
You seem a little tense.

Well,
of course I'm tense.

I know you're up to something,
and it's driving me crazy.

It's like one of those movies
where the young ingenue

suspects that the hideous crone
has a knife behind her back.

Wait a minute!

You do have something
behind your back!

Oh, that means
that I'm the young ingenue.

All right,
let me have that!

No, stop! Stop!

Ah! Ha-ha!

Oh...it's an exquisitely
crafted script cover

with my name
embossed on it.

It's your movie script.
I wanted to wrap it first.

Oh.

Victoria, I really am just
trying to be a better person.

I know I have
a long way to go, but...

Baby steps.

Well, with those
little baby feet,

what else could you take?

Well, there is
a slight possibility

that I may have
misjudged you.

I really am here
because you're the only one

who can understand
what I'm going through.

I suppose you're right.

When you've lived
in that soap opera reality

for as long as we have,
it's hard to get used to...

Reality reality.

I don't like
reality reality.

It's too real.

It's tragic, really.

We're the last of
the truly great cultural icons.

Without us, the world will be
a far less dramatic place.

You'll find that this is
the hardest part of real life.

You can't naturally fade out
and go to commercial.

- Mmm.
- Oh, God, it's...

Melanie?

[Mouth full]
Hey, Dr. kagen.

When you came into my office,
you said you were fasting

for some bathing suit trip.

You're obviously
going with a one piece.

No, actually,
the weight is falling off me!

About that,
it's lucky I ran into you.

I just got
your test results.

You need to come into the office
first thing tomorrow morning.

Why?

Oh, my God.
Am--am I sick?

Have you
been abroad lately?

No.

Eaten any rancid meat
off the ground?

No, of course not.

I mean, I ate a pancake
that fell on the floor

of the car, but it'd
just been detailed.

Melanie...

- You have a tapeworm.
- Tapeworm?

It's buried its hooks
in your intestinal wall.

That's why
you're losing weight.

Well, how big is it?

They can grow
up to 50 feet.

We're gonna need
some more fries.

Oh! Let me get that.

Unless you're one of
those men who's uncomfortable

letting a woman pay.

No, I've made
my peace with that.

Cleveland vice.
You're both under arrest.

For what?

Solicitation
and prostitution.

How dare you!
I am not a prostitute.

Of course not.

Well, why do you
say it like that?

I mean, I could
be a prostitute.

Is it so unbelievable that a man
would pay to have sex with me?

Ma'am,
he's the prostitute.

[Laughs]
But he can't be.

He's so sweet and gentle,

and all he cares about in bed
is if I'm happy.

Ohh.

I do want to open
a winery though.

Melanie!
I've been Lucci'd!

Me too!
She gave me a parasite!

She gave me
a prostitute!

Mommy,
you fired nanny Bridget?

Yes, for helping you
hide that hideous puppy

I told you to get rid of.

But Rags
is my only friend.

Oh, you're right,
Victoria.

She's written you
like some kind of a monster,

- which you are so not.
- Well, thank you.

You know, maybe
Honor St. Raven and Erica Kane

couldn't be friends,
but perhaps Victoria Chase

and Susan Lucci can.

[Door opens]

You blow-dried
little bitch.

I knew it!
What did she do?

She gave me a tapeworm!

I thought you said
you'd been taking

- that supplement for years!
- I have!

Look at me.

At this point,
I'm more worm than woman.

My perfect doctor
turned out to be a man-whore.

Elka...
Are you mad at me too?

Joy was arrested,
Melanie's wormy,

the Cavs are winning.

I'm good.

I can't believe
I was this close

to believing
that you had changed.

How dare you
Lucci my friends!

I wanted them to like me.
I gave them what they needed.

Tapeworms
and prostitutes?

How did you possibly
think this would end?

I don't know.

As Erica Kane, I never had
to think more than a week ahead.

I've become
my own worst Nemesis.

I'm my own evil twin.

[Dramatic soap opera music]

♪ ♪

Hello?

Baron!

What do you mean
you're leaving the team?

I've been Lucci'd!

[Sobbing]

I called you
a cab to the airport.

I'll send your American
girl-sized clothes along later.

More fake tears?
You are a disgrace to NASA!

Wait...

Your nose
is actually running?

Oh, my God,
those tears are real.

[Muffled]
Don't look at me.

Oh...

There, there.

Just keep it in.
Don't--don't let it out.

When you play
a character for decades,

it just becomes
a part of you.

If I'm not Erica Kane Martin
Brent Cudahy Chandler Roy Roy

Montgomery Montgomery
Marrick Marrick Montgomery,

then who am I?

I know what you mean.

When I stopped playing
Honor St. Raven Von Klaus

Yokomoto [Clicks tongue]
St. Raven, I felt lost.

- It's just awful, isn't it?
- It's the worst.

You know,
it's been three years for me,

and I still
miss it every day.

But you've totally
reinvented yourself.

That's why I came here.
To see how you did it.

That was your evil plan?
To be like me?

Yes.
You have a news show,

commercials, now you're
playing yourself in a movie.

N-no, but that took
time and perseverance

to restart my career.

And this movie
may very well end it again.

So tell the producers
that if they don't make you

more sympathetic,
you'll walk.

There's no movie
without you.

This is a star vehicle,
and you are the star.

I see another Emmy award
in your future.

Thank you, Susan.

I am not doing this movie until
it is completely rewritten.

Oh, this is wonderful.

How about we really try
to be friends?

Okay.

Uh...Just to be sure,

you're not smiling evilly
off into the distance right now,

are you?

Oh, Victoria.
This is real life.

Oh.

Mommy,
you fired nanny Bridget?

Yes, for helping you
hide that hideous puppy

I told you to get rid of.

But Rags
is my only friend.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

No more
wire hair Terriers!

[Evil music]

♪ ♪

Mommy Monstrous,

starring Susan Lucci
as Victoria Chase,

will return after these--

She really captures you.

Oh,
I can't believe it.

This was
her evil plan all along,

to study me
and steal my part.

I swallowed a worm.

When they ask
at the blood bank

if I've ever had sex
with a prostitute,

I have to say yes now.

There, there, Joy.