Horace and Pete (2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
- Horace.
- Horace.
- Wh- what the hell?
- Hey.
- Horace, good morning.
- Marsha, what are you doing here?
- I want to talk to you.
- Marsha, you can't just
come into my bedroom.
- Yes, I can.
This used to be my bed,
you know.
Me and your father's.
I guess it was your mother's
bedroom, too, huh?
You sleep in your panties
just like your dad.
- Marsha, this is really weird.
Can you please go out
into the living room and I'll...
- How old are you now?
- 49.
- Oh.
- How old are you?
Marsha, I need-
I need to get dressed, so...
- Go ahead.
- Morning.
- Hey.
- Brought your coffee up.
- Thank you.
- You're up early.
- Yeah.
Trying to get up earlier.
I started thinking that...
you know, I'm getting older,
not gonna live forever.
In fact, I'm getting, you know,
deep into the second half here.
And I was thinking that,
you know, how, like,
in the first part of my life,
I slept a lot.
I mean, when I was in the hospital,
that's all I did.
So I was thinking that, uh,
you know,
life experienced is life lived.
And so if I get up earlier,
right, from now on,
and I sleep less,
then I'm making, you know,
the second half of my life
longer than the first.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
I'm kind of doing the opposite.
I'm trying to sleep more
and wrap it up.
- You see, except, I don't know
when I'm gonna die, right?
So if I get hit by a truck today,
then the halfway point
was like 26 years ago.
- Pete, you're not gonna
get hit by a truck.
- How do you know?
- 'Cause you don't leave this building.
If a truck was gonna hit you,
it'd have to come in the front door.
- Well, that's true.
Still, there's plenty of ways
for a guy to die.
- Sure.
- And then after that, that's it,
once that happens, right?
I mean, I don't think
there's anything after.
Do you?
- Hey, man, I just-
I just woke up.
- Hey, the beer guy is coming today.
- Fuck.
- Well, you gotta talk to him
about prices.
- Yeah, I know.
- He drove Budweiser up
five bucks a barrel.
- Yeah, no, I got it, I got it.
- Just tell him maybe-
- All right, you know, Pete,
get the fuck off my back, please.
- Okay, okay, Grumpy Gus.
- Jesus.
- Sorry.
- Whatever.
- I'm sorry.
- You know, there's a bad pattern here
where you treat me like shit
and then you say you're sorry,
rinse, lather, repeat.
I'm kind of sick of it.
- Okay. Okay.
- So what do you think happens
after you die?
- I don't know.
If you're good,
you go to some place
where you get to drink lemonade
out of a giant pussy.
- Hey, what-
Why do you say things like that?
Jeez Louise.
- You asked me what happens
after you die.
That's if you're good.
- Wow.
Well, I dated this girl,
it was back in junior year,
I mean, before all the shit hit the fan.
I don't know if you met her-
Vanessa.
- Black girl.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- She was super cool.
Anyway, she said that her daddy
told her that when she dies,
if she's been bad in her life,
after she dies, she's gonna go
to wherever he is,
and he's gonna beat her ass
forever and ever.
- That's...
What- what religion is that?
- I think they were Baptists.
- I wonder if that's where
I'm gonna go.
- Well, you're not gonna go to
the other place with the...
- With the...
- ... lemonade.
- Wow, look at these poor fucks.
- What?
- The refugees.
- Oh, fuck, that mess.
They'd rather drown
than stay in their own country.
Or they get killed by pirates.
The whole world is going
back in time, you know.
- Yeah.
Well, also, now that Europe
let these people in their country,
it turns out they rape.
A bunch of raping refugees,
apparently.
- Well, it's not like they all rape.
I mean...
I mean, it's wrong that it happens,
but you can't say every one
of those people is raping.
I mean, if everybody was raping,
there'd be no one to be raped.
I want to take some of
those sentences back.
- The weird part
with these refugees is
they're fleeing to Germany,
you know?
And then they get there and they get
put in a camp, like, a German camp.
- Yeah, yeah, that's like before.
- Yeah, what if, uh,
what if Germany just starts
exterminating them out of, like, habit?
They're like, guys, we're so sorry,
like, we just thought
this is how camps are done.
- You know, don't talk about that.
- Why?
- You don't know-
you don't really know what happened.
You weren't there.
I know a guy who was there.
- He liberated one of the camps.
- Yeah?
- He's walking into the camp
with his platoon
and they see all these people
starving and dying, you know?
And the whole platoon starts crying,
only he can't cry.
He's not crying 'cause he's,
you know, he's stunned.
He can't get a tear out.
And everybody's, you know,
crying their eyes out
and the camp prisoners are all
just looking at these people crying
and he still can't cry.
So he feels, like, self-conscious
and guilty, you know?
So he starts trying to
think about things,
like his mother or his kids,
you know?
Still can't cry.
Finally, he thinks of "Bambi. "
- "Bambi"?
- Yeah, it came out in 1942, you know,
right before he shipped off to war.
So he's thinking about how Bambi's
mother was shot, you know?
Cries like a baby.
- I did the opposite.
- How so?
- I was watching "Bambi" with this girl
I was seeing, she was a ballerina.
And when Bambi's mother got shot,
she started crying, the ballerina.
And I wanted to cry with her,
you know,
to show her I had feelings,
but- but I didn't care.
- Wait, so what, you used the Holocaust
so that you could cry about Bambi?
- It's sad.
Isn't it sad?
- Which one,
"Bambi" or the Holocaust?
- It's sad that it's so hard to show
your feelings when you really want to.
- Hey, Pete.
- Marsha, how you doing?
- Can we get a couple of whiskeys?
- Yeah, whiskey's good.
- Couple of whiskeys, please.
- You got it.
- Pete, this is Dennis.
- Dennis.
- Pete, how you doing?
- He owns the tire store
over on Atlantic.
- That right?
- Yeah, unless he's lying to me.
- I got four tire stores in Brooklyn.
I got six tire stores
across Long Island.
- Yeah?
- You must be tired.
- Is that your place
on Atlantic and 17th?
- Oh, that place us bogus, bullshit.
They do retreads, and they'll
rape you with their prices.
I'm over by Flatbush and Atlantic,
by the Jewish bakers?
- The Kosher guy?
- Are your tires Kosher?
- What?
This fucking guy.
- Dennis, Leon.
- Nice to meet you, Leon.
- Oh.
- He don't shake.
- Anyway, that's me over
by the Jewish bakers.
Come over and see me
if you need tires.
- I don't need tires.
I don't have a car.
- Last car I had was a Plymouth.
- Fucking Plymouth?
- Nah, forget it, this is on the house.
- Marsha: Thanks, Pete.
- Mind if I tell you again?
You look beautiful.
- I don't mind, I like it.
- Well, you are.
I never seen a woman look like you.
- I have.
There's a bunch of me.
- Nah, you're exceptional.
- Thank you, Dennis.
You want another one of these?
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
Can we get a couple more, Pete,
over there?
- Hi, Pete.
Fucking asshole.
- Horace.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hi.
- You worried I'm gonna
see your nipples?
- No, it's fine.
- Horace, what is wrong with you?
- I'll go put a shirt on and-
- Yeah, good idea.
- Okay.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- I'm all right.
I have breast cancer.
- What?
- It's all right, you know,
Mom had it and beat it
and now it's my turn, you know.
It's fucking stupid.
It's my fault.
- How is it your fault?
- I should have had 'em out
when Mom had it.
I like my tits so I held on,
it's just fucking arrogant.
Anyway, you know, I'll beat it.
- Your kids know yet?
- I'm not telling them.
- You're not telling your kids...
- I'm not.
- ... that you have cancer?
You're not gonna tell 'em?
- No.
- Why?
- Because they're little narcissists
and they're gonna make it about them,
then I'm gonna have to manage
their feelings about it
instead of my own when I'm the one
who needs support, so...
- Where are you gonna go for support?
- You, dummy.
Here I am.
- Oh, hey, come here.
- No, no-
I'm okay, I'm okay, I just-
I'm- You know.
- Okay, I mean...
What can I... what can I-
- Tell me what I can do.
- You're doing it.
- You're listening, okay?
- Okay.
- Look, Horace,
you have a real capacity
for listening to people
and I depend on it.
I always have.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, it's true.
And I guess this is a good time to tell
you that it really means a lot to me
that you have always been there
and you've been an ear for me.
- Sylvia...
- Hello?
- Do you remember when Mom
first moved out of here
and, um, the three of us
were living in that-
- the tiny apartment on 72nd Street?
- Yeah, not much, but I do.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Yeah, and she was working
those crazy hours and we would
just be home alone,
we didn't have a TV,
and, uh, you know,
- we would just talk, you know.
- Yeah.
- You were the first person I opened up
to and talked to, like, in my life.
And, uh, those were tough times
and I built a dependence on you.
- I... I had no idea.
- Yeah.
And, uh, you've always
been there, Horace,
you know, just to listen and to-
Just be a witness
and be a pair of ears.
- Wow, I don't know...
I don't know what to say,
you know...
- And that's why it is so hard
to be in conflict with you.
It's really painful.
It's like being in conflict
with a part of myself.
- Are- are we in conflict?
- Of course we are.
- About what?
- About the bar,
about this place.
- Oh, fuck, Sylvia.
Who gives a shit about that?
- We gotta get rid of
this place, Horace.
- Sylvia, I know- I don't-
I'm not upset that you want to
get rid of this bar.
I don't care-
I mean, I get it.
I can't go along with you,
but I do-
That's got nothing to do with...
with you and me.
When do you...
when do you start treatment?
- You know, the only reason
you go along with this shit
is 'cause you can't stand up
to your uncle.
And you're worried that
he's gonna end up on the street.
But Ma got out,
she got us out.
And it kills me to see that
you're back here, back in it.
- Why are we talking
about this right now?
- Do you know
what this building is worth?
Even just to knock it down,
the air rights.
- Wha- Air-
What the fuck is that?
- Air rights, what is that?
- Horace, Horace, listen.
Brooklyn is growing, right?
More and more people are coming here
and there's no room to build.
So people are buying and knocking
down and building up.
The air above this building
is worth millions.
- You want to sell the air.
- Yes.
- Sylvia... do I have to say it?
This is Horace & Pete's.
- And I'm Horace...
- No, fuck!
- It's been here for 100 years,
you don't just-
- It doesn't make any money!
- Well, who cares?
Does everything- does every business
have to make a profit?
Does that have to be
the point of everything?
Can't any place just be a place?
People come here
and it's just a place...
- This place- this place
is a cancer on our family.
- Wow, you really throw
that word around, don't you?
- No, hey, Horace, you know...
- You know, you come in here, Sylvia,
and you tell me that you have cancer.
You stood there and you told me
that you have cancer.
- You just told me that.
- Yes.
- And that you want my support.
And now you're talking about
air rights
and that you-
that you want money.
And, uh, I guess
I feel a little bit used.
- Well, yes, Horace.
I came here to say to you
that I have cancer.
And that I need your support and that
I need money because I have cancer.
So, yes, I want to use you.
You are my brother.
Please let me use you
so that I don't die.
Because cancer, Horace,
is fucking expensive.
It's expensive.
- Oh...
- Oh, hey, Sylvie.
- Hi, Pete.
- How long was I asleep for?
- About an hour.
- Shit.
- Yeah, you're eating into
that second half there, buddy.
- Hey, I gotta...
- Okay, I'll see you later.
- See ya.
- Bye, Sylvie.
- See you, Pete.
- Hey, Sylvie.
- I was just thinking...
- You know, fuck your mother, Pete.
- Fuck your mother.
- Whoa, oh, oh, in other words,
- fuck your grandmother?
- That's right.
Fuck my grandmother.
- Is this all right?
- Um, yeah.
I don't usually go to bars.
- Oh? Well, I do.
So...
Yeah, whatever, I do.
- Is this okay, really?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Oh, I'll get us a drink.
What do you want?
- Uh, just water.
- You're gonna drink water?
- Yes.
- Oh, come on, that's not fair.
- I don't really drink a lot of alcohol.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Yeah, what can I get you?
- I'll have a Jameson's,
and, uh, and a water.
- There you go, hon, it's on me.
- Oh, thank you.
- Here you go.
- No, no, no, it's all right.
- It's on me.
- Oh, well, thanks.
- Here's your water.
- Thanks.
- So do you live in Brooklyn?
- Yeah, in Bushwick.
- Me, too.
I mean, live in Brooklyn.
I just moved here.
Listen, Charles-
- Is that what you like, Charles?
- Yeah, people call me Charles.
- Well, Charles,
you're making me drink alone,
but you're also making me
do all the small talk.
It's kinda rude.
- Sorry.
- It's all right, I forgive you.
So... why'd you swipe me?
Did you think I was cute?
You like the stuff
I wrote about myself?
Come on, you...
I was the first one that came up
and you don't really give a shit
so you just swiped and now
you just want to go pound it out
and get back to your video games.
You're bumming me out,
Charles.
You're just, like...
you're ruining my life.
Like, could you...
I wish you could
just say one nice thing.
- Well, I believe in honesty.
I don't believe in saying fake things
because that's just fake, so...
Yeah, I just say what I mean.
- Really? Well, you might
want to check that attitude
because that's kind of just mean.
- I'm not mean.
- Do you have any idea at all
how to talk to a girl?
- What?
You're a woman.
You're an adult.
We're equals,
so it should just be
normal and honest.
- Oh... oh, okay.
Ugh, so you're just
gonna have your water
and then you want to just go fuck?
That's it?
You probably have a roommate, huh?
- I have two roommates.
- So that means I have to
take you up to my place.
Well, if this is how
it's gonna be, Charles...
I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to watch me drink for a while.
And you're gonna have to talk to me.
I mean, you don't have to be nice to me
if you're so fucking allergic to that,
but you have to talk to me.
- Okay. What about?
- Well...
Who are you? Where are you from?
What are you doing in Brooklyn?
What are you trying to do
with your life?
- I'm from Western Massachusetts.
I plan on being a stand-up comedian.
- Fuck.
- I'll see you later.
- Where you going?
- I gotta- I'm having lunch with Alice.
- Oh, nice.
You guys doing okay?
- Yeah, just trying to sort of
just do one day then one day
then one day, you know?
Lunch one day,
coffee one day, and just...
just let it feel normal,
you know, just build like normal.
- That's... good.
- Don't forget to bring her
some elephant food.
- What's that?
- I'm just saying,
don't forget to bring your fat daughter
some elephant food.
- We hooked into a marlin,
it must've been 30 pounds.
- Marlin? It's a fish.
- Oh, you bet.
It's a big fucking fish.
Pardon my French.
- Big fucking fish,
that's fucking fine with me.
- Hey, hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, easy there.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.
- You're fine.
- Sure.
- Do you know that you got a smile...
like...
I've never seen one like it.
- Yeah?
You need to get out of the tire store
more often, Dennis.
- Okay, do you remember
after my junior year at Hunter
- when I went to the Middle East?
- Yes, that was terrifying.
- No, it wasn't.
- For me, it was.
- Oh, well.
- Well, you don't know.
You don't, I hope you-
I hope you never know how that feels,
having your own kid
at some wild place.
- Yeah, but how do you think that,
like, imagine how parents feel
who live in a place
like that all the time?
- I don't care, I don't have to.
I don't- That was
the worst time in my life.
- Really?
- Yes.
You don't-
You weren't calling us.
There was people on YouTube
cutting off people's heads
- and you're not getting in touch.
- Oh, God.
- We didn't know-
It's not fucking funny.
It really wasn't.
You know, one night,
I decided you were dead.
- Jesus, Dad.
- I'm serious.
You weren't calling me and I'm, like,
praying it's 'cause you hate me.
I'm like, "She hates me,
she's not calling. "
So I call your mom,
you're not calling her either.
And then we start- we get in a fight,
me and your mom, sorry.
And then I'm laying
awake at night and I'm-
You know when you hear about a parent
who, like, their kid dies somewhere else
and they just know it right away,
so that's what happened.
I'm laying awake in bed
and I get this cold chill over me
and I just knew you were dead.
- Except I wasn't.
- Yeah, I was wrong.
I'm not a good dad, see?
- Well, I had a good time there, so...
- Good.
Hey, uh, if I tell you something,
can you keep it to yourself?
- Yeah, from who?
- Particularly your cousin Brenda,
who I know you're close to.
- Okay, sure.
- So your Aunt Sylvia, um...
- she has breast cancer.
- Yeah, I know that.
- You do?
- Yeah, I mean, Brenda told me.
And she's going to the doctor with her
and she made her check herself.
She's- she's taking care of her,
so why would I have to keep it from her?
You know, she's gonna be fine, Dad.
I know that cancer scares the shit
out of people your age,
- but she is actually gonna be fine.
- Yeah, I know.
- That used to be the "C" word.
- Okay.
- Well, I gotta go to work, so...
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- But- Thank you for lunch.
- This was nice.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I think that this is the most
time we've ever spent together since-
- Yeah, at least the last couple weeks.
- Yeah, this has been- Yeah.
Well, I'm glad that it's been positive,
for you, I mean, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, well-
- I'm glad.
- It is, it's positive for me
to spend time with my dad,
you know, so...
- Good.
- Yeah.
Well, oh, um, how's Rachel?
- Um...
- What?
- Rachel moved out.
- Oh.
I'm- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, no, I asked her...
- Wait, you did?
- I asked her to move out.
- Wait, so you kicked her out?
- Well...
- Dad, why?
Why? She was nice to you.
She was actually good for you.
- Well, I...
- Oh, my God.
- I guess I thought that you-
If you wanted-
- Dad.
- I just wanted-
- Dad, what the fuck?
- What?
- Because you kicked out
your good girlfriend
and now you're putting that on me.
- No, I didn't say that.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I thought- Look, I thought-
- Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?
- I thought of it as an upgrade, okay?
I did.
I thought that you would have a place.
What's so wrong with that?
I wanted to make it- you comfortable.
- Oh, my God.
- Look, I liked Rachel.
- Yeah, and she loved you
and she was nice to you.
She was- she was,
like, taking care of you.
- Okay, well, I guess
I thought I'd rather
than have her be there for me,
I thought I'd rather be there for you.
- Yeah, but now none of us
are there for any of us.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
Why is this so hard?
Why is it so complicated to you?
This is- To me,
this is not complicated.
I am trying-
I want to be close to you.
I am your father.
I want you in my life.
Why is that not a simple thing to you?
- Okay, but how do you
think that feels,
to have someone going like this,
you know, when I don't want that?
Like, I- I feel awful.
- I'm not going like this,
I'm not going like this.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm going like this.
- No.
I'm trying to be here.
I can't be here.
I'm just trying to get here.
- God.
- Why do you, uh...
- Why do you spend any time with me?
- I don't know.
- It'd be helpful to know why you-
- I don't know.
- I don't think you like being with me.
- Oh, my God.
- I think you have-
- Please.
You know...
My brother is so miserable
and I don't want to be like him,
you know?
And I'm trying...
I'm trying to spend time with you,
and I tried, already,
not speaking to you for three years
and it didn't work, so I'm trying this.
- Didn't work how? What's- what
are you trying to accomplish?
- I'm...
I'm trying to
be able to think about you
without puking.
And this is me trying.
- That's why you- that's why
you're spending time with me now.
That's why.
- I'm...
just sick of being alone.
And...
I'm alone all the time.
All the fucking time
and I always hated it.
I always hated being alone.
And I know that I'm the one
who chose to study law,
but it's just me
and the fucking books
and the fucking law students
who are more boring than the books.
It's the same as being alone.
And I fucking hate it.
It's just- it's miserable.
And even with David,
I was alone.
So... it sucks.
And it just...
like, it hurts, you know?
I think I'm gonna leave right now.
Just so that we can leave
this on a good note.
- That was a good note?
- Yeah.
Yeah, that was good.
You did good.
I'll see you.
♪♪
♪ Horace &... ♪♪
- From the time he was a baby,
he was like in a parade,
marching behind his dick.
So this one time,
he was- he was playing,
uh, Little League,
you know,
when he was about six.
And I was the coach
of his team, you know,
and Horace was out there
in right field,
so right away you know
how good he was, right?
'Cause how many kids
can hit away to right?
So every day, he's out there
picking his nose
and staring off, you know?
And this one day, he comes
running over to the dugout
and he says, "Uncle Pete, Uncle Pete,
I gotta make a pee-pee!"
I said, "Get the fuck back on the field!
What are you doing?"
He says, "Time-out, Uncle Pete,
I gotta make a pee-pee!"
I said, "I don't care if you
gotta make a doo-doo,
"Horace, you little prick.
Get back out there on the field!"
So he starts crying, like...
So I, you know, I called time-out.
I go to the ump, time-out, you know,
and then I go over to Horace
and I say,
"Okay, I called time-out,
now you can go take a leak. "
I mean, what am I gonna do?
He's my nephew, you know,
and he's crying and everything.
I say, "Okay, honey,
you gotta go to the toilet?
You go ahead. "
He's still crying, so I said,
"What the fuck is the matter with you?
You said you wanted to make a pee-pee,
now go make a pee-pee. "
And he says,
"Uncle Pete, Uncle Pete, it's too late!"
And he's covered with piss
all over his pants.
Leon, I'm telling you,
he was covered and it was all smelly.
You remember that?
Horace, remember that, when you
pissed your pants in Little League?
That was a killer.
Leon, I'm telling you.
- Hey, what about little Pete?
Did he play?
- Yeah, yeah, Pete played.
He was the best you ever saw.
He got varsity baseball in high school,
freshman in high school.
He had a girlfriend,
straight A's.
He's a good kid, too.
- Hi, there.
May I have a Budweiser, please?
- 4.50.
- Oh.
- "Oh"?
- I thought I heard you charge
that guy $3 for a Budweiser.
- Don't worry about
what I charge him.
- Well, I just don't get why
I have to pay more.
- You don't have to pay more,
you can also get the fuck out.
- Um, you can't just charge different
people different prices, that's not-
- Hey, hey, kid.
You gonna pay for this beer
or you gonna wear it?
- Um...
- Listen, you mumbling little fuck,
you say "um" one more time-
What?
- What, what did I do?
- Pete.
Just let me get it.
I got it.
- Hey, sorry.
- It's all right.
- You all right? What's up?
- Yeah, uh, I was charged 4.50...
- Yeah.
...for a Budweiser
and that guy was charged $3.
- Just not sure why the discrepancy.
- He's been coming here a long time.
- Oh, so is that a privilege
for just that one guy or is-
- Like, more people that get to pay-
- Some people pay 4.50,
- some people pay three.
- Okay.
Um, how do you decide that?
Is there, like, a list, or...
- If he looks like him,
he pays $3.
If he looks like you, he pays 4.50.
- So just out-and-out discrimination?
Um, are you aware
how totally unfair
and not okay that is?
I'm not sure what group...
I mean, I'm Jewish.
I'm gay.
- Here's the thing- you're getting
more for your money than he is.
- How so?
- Because, well,
see, you come here
and you make fun of the place
'cause it's an old Brooklyn dive bar,
so you and your friends
get to enjoy that part of it
and then also you get to have a beer.
But he just gets the beer.
See, you're here ironically,
but he's really here
'cause he just lives on the corner.
- So it's like a douche tax?
- Yeah, kinda.
- Acceptable.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- I'm gonna go upstairs for a minute.
- Hello, Horace.
- Hello, Marsha.
Ugh.
I'm so tired.
Oh...
Do you mind if I take off my sweater?
Because it's warm in here.
My arms-
I have such nice arms.
Arms.
It's a funny word, isn't it?
Arms.
Hey.
Do you want to hear
something funny?
I always wear a bikini
under my clothes.
Do you think that's funny?
I just think it's easier, you know?
What if I want to just take
all my clothes off and be in a bikini?
I can do that this way.
I bet you never thought of me
as someone who would do that.
- Jesus, what is wrong with you, huh?
- What?
- I mean... ha!
This is your fantasy?
How is this a sex fantasy, huh?
I mean, we're talking.
What, is that gonna get you there?
- No.
- Well, then, come on, let's get to
the fucking or whatever, huh?
- I don't know.
- Why?
Why are you hesitating?
- Because this is weird.
This is- this is fucked up.
- It's a sex fantasy.
- Yeah, but why can't I
have normal ones?
Why can't I have normal sex fantasy-
Why am I, like- like just jerking off
to the tits on the Internet.
Why can't I be one of those people?
Why- why am I sitting here
having this sick fantasy
about my dead dad's...
- Cum Dumpster.
- Yeah.
And why am I thinking
about you saying that?
That's... that's wrong.
- Because it's sexy.
I mean, it's weird, but...
I mean, you're weird.
I mean,
if you can't have, you know,
whatever sex fantasy
you want to have,
then, I mean, really,
what is the point in anything?
- I guess this is the thing, right?
I wish I was one of those people
that's, like, has clean sex.
Nice, clean boners,
do you know what I mean?
About good things, about love.
People that get boners for people
they love and they have sex.
And the whole time they're having sex,
they just smile at each other.
- What, like Obama?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So do you want me to be
Michelle Obama right now?
- No, no.
- Oh.
- No.
No.
I just- I bet when Obama
has sex with Obama,
I bet they- it's really nice.
I bet it's really nice and clean.
And full of love.
And then when they're done,
he goes and he's president
and she goes and, you know...
Why do me and Clinton
have to be such pigs?
- Well, I mean,
all hard-ons are gross, right?
- Do you get- do you have,
like, gross fantasies?
- What?
- Why don't you go down and ask her?
- Oh, yeah, you're me.
- Yeah.
I mean, where did you
get this idea that, you know...
that there are nice, clean hard-ons?
Huh?
I mean...
sex is dirty, you know?
It's dirty.
It's really, really dirty.
And wrong and gross...
and messy...
and, um, smelly...
- and bad and...
- I just came.
- Really?
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ.
All right.
- Do you want to play some cards
or something?
- Yeah.
- What do you say?
Let's get out of here.
- What for?
- Let's go somewhere.
I mean, these drinks are good
and everything, but let's hit the town.
- Hit the town?
- Yeah, come on.
Take you to a nice dinner.
Let's- let's paint it red.
- Why don't we just paint it red
right here?
- Oh, no, listen.
I'm a well-heeled guy.
You're a doll.
Let me show you
how a guy can treat a gal.
- Yeah, I'm sure you know how.
- I do, you'd have a ball, let's go.
I know a great little joint
out by the ocean.
We can walk in the waves afterward.
- I'm fine right here.
- You don't like me?
- No, I like you fine,
I like you fine, stay, you know...
Stay here and drink with me.
- Yeah, I don't want to
do that, Marsha.
It's not my thing.
- Well, then, go home.
- I can't do that, my wife is there.
Ah, Jesus.
- Uh, excuse me?
Uh, excuse me?
- Yeah, doll, what can I get you?
- Can I get a white wine?
- We don't have that.
Beer, hard drinks.
No wine, no mixed drinks.
- Oh, that's fine.
I'll just have a beer, then.
- All right.
- Oh, uh, what kind?
- All's we got is Budweiser.
- Oh, that makes it easier, then.
- Yeah.
- Um, are you Uncle Pete?
- Yeah, who's asking?
- I thought that was you.
I never met you before,
but I'm a friend of your nephew, Pete.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, is he around?
- Yeah, yeah.
Hold- hold on.
Hey, Pete.
Look at this broad
who's coming here asking for you.
- She looks nice.
- Huh?
- Horace, look at- look at this chick
who came in asking for Pete.
- Oh, is that Trisha?
- Who's Trisha?
- Yeah, I knew her at the hospital.
- Well, how come you knew her?
- 'Cause I used to visit him
at the hospital when you didn't.
- We were in the same, uh...
- I knew her at the hospital.
- What, is she a wacko, too?
- Shut up, man.
- No, what?
I mean, she don't look like a wacko, but
maybe she was in for something else,
like drugs or syphilis or something.
Anyway, she's cute,
she looks good.
- Go say hi, go ahead.
- Nah.
- Pete, go say hi to her.
- I don't want to.
- Hey, Pete!
Hi, Horace!
- Hi, Trisha.
- Hi, Trisha.
- I'm gonna go upstairs and take a nap.
- No, come on, what are you doing?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
- What's the matter with you?
- Go say hi to her.
- Yeah, come on, get in there.
- I don't want to.
I mean, we were friends
at the hospital.
I'm not in the hospital anymore.
- I don't care where you met her,
you don't get in there
and get her clothes off her,
or you're a fag.
- Oh, shut up.
- Pete.
- Holy fuck.
- She's got Tourette's.
- What's that?
- It's a disorder.
- Well, that's why he don't like her.
- No, it's not.
It's got nothing to do with it.
And I like her fine.
- So go talk to her.
Pete, I remember Trisha,
she was really cool.
- Just go say hi to her, she's cute.
- Come on.
- Hey, Trisha.
- Hi, Pete.
- How you been?
- I'm really well, thanks.
Uh, how are you?
- I'm all right.
- Good.
- You look good.
- Thanks.
You, uh...
It's nice to see you.
- You know,
I think about you sometimes.
I called you but you never
called me back and I-
I remember you telling me
about this place
and I loved hearing you
talk about it.
Anyway, I just moved close to here
and I thought, what the hell?
I'll just go by and see him.
- Okay.
- Hey, Pete, um...
you know,
when we were in the hospital,
you were such an important-
- Okay, well, uh,
I'll see you around.
- Fuck was that? Make an effort.
- What?
- Come on, she's a wacko,
but she's very nice.
And anyway,
she obviously likes you.
And you know, anyway, you're-
- I mean...
- What?
I'm what? No, what?
What, you think just because
she's got a disorder
and I've got my thing
that I have to be with her?
What the fuck is that?
I gotta stick with my own kind?
"Just stay away from
the normal girls, Pete.
Just stay with your own
fucked up kind, Pete. "
- No, I'm not saying any of that.
- I am.
Makes sense.
I mean, you two wack jobs
should go together.
Just don't have any babies.
- What I'm saying is that
she's cute and she's nice
and she likes you and you're 52,
so how many more times
is that gonna happen for you?
- Look, I knew her at the hospital,
we're not there anymore, that's that.
- Trisha: Fuck your mother!
- Oh, hey, whoa.
Watch your tongue there, Trisha.
- Nigger cock!
Nigger cock!
- I think I'm in love.
Hey, Trisha, those are some pipes
you've got on you.
- Sorry.
- No, no, that's all right.
It's all right.
Forget about it, it's a free country.
Look, I'm gonna give you another beer.
Free beer on the house.
- Hey, could I ask you a question?
- Oh, sure.
- Hi, how you doing?
- Hi.
- So, like, you have Tourette's, right?
- Yep.
- So, like, how do you...
live?
I mean, like, you look like
you're doing okay,
but can you, like,
suppress it when you have to?
- No, in fact, if I have to suppress it,
I can't even more.
It's like the worst outcome of the tics,
the more they want to come out.
That's why I'm...
I'm really sorry I yelled that.
It's like this itch you have to scratch
and I can only get to it
by saying the worst thing
that I could ever say sometimes,
depending on where I am, so you-
you being here made that come out.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
I know by the way you said it,
you didn't have any hatred behind it.
Also, it helped that you said
"cock" at the end.
- I wasn't offended, either.
- But, like, how do you live with it?
Like, can you hold down a job?
- I- I haven't kept a lot of them.
I get fired a lot and have to
pound a lot of pavement
to get a job in the first place 'cause
I have to tell them when I interview.
But, um, you know,
it's trial and error.
But I found a nice place.
It works out, so far.
I work really hard
and they gave me a private space,
so it's not so bad and I have to be
a really nice person
when I'm not yelling things
to make up for it.
- I like you both ways.
- Fucking little faggot!
- Hey.
I'm not a faggot.
- Hey, if you don't mind my saying so,
I think it's pretty brave of you,
the way you handle that.
Like, that cannot be easy.
- Thank you.
- She doesn't have to live with it.
You could take that
Divolactin stuff
and then your symptoms
would go away.
- Yeah, but then I'd be asleep half
the day and I couldn't work.
I mean, not like I do now.
I mean... it's not easy.
People stare at me.
They- they just think I'm awful.
People lecture me, insult me.
And people who know what's wrong
with me just look away.
I would.
But I'd rather rough it and deal
with all that and have a life
rather than just take Divolactin
and shut down.
So far, it's worth it.
- Yeah, well, I can't do that, Trisha.
I go off my meds,
I lose my fucking mind.
I can't do anything without Probitol,
so I don't have the luxury
of that choice.
- I know that, Pete.
I know that.
- You knew Pete in the hospital?
- Yeah, he... he really helped me.
It's really scary in there.
It's a scary place.
But Pete wouldn't let
anybody bother me
and he was a friend
when I needed one.
He still hasn't let me thank him.
He used to tell me stories
about Horace & Pete's
and he would really crack me up.
He told me really funny stories
about you, Uncle Pete.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- I feel like I know you.
- Well, you're all right, Trisha.
You're welcome here anytime.
If anybody looks at you sideways,
I'll punch 'em in the fucking mouth.
- Thanks.
You don't have to do that.
It's just looking.
Who cares if people look at me?
If I cared, I wouldn't live much.
- Hey, Pete.
- Can I-
- Dirty applesauce tit fucker!
- Jesus.
Can I get a whiskey?
- Hey, Marsha.
- Horace.
- Wh- what the hell?
- Hey.
- Horace, good morning.
- Marsha, what are you doing here?
- I want to talk to you.
- Marsha, you can't just
come into my bedroom.
- Yes, I can.
This used to be my bed,
you know.
Me and your father's.
I guess it was your mother's
bedroom, too, huh?
You sleep in your panties
just like your dad.
- Marsha, this is really weird.
Can you please go out
into the living room and I'll...
- How old are you now?
- 49.
- Oh.
- How old are you?
Marsha, I need-
I need to get dressed, so...
- Go ahead.
- Morning.
- Hey.
- Brought your coffee up.
- Thank you.
- You're up early.
- Yeah.
Trying to get up earlier.
I started thinking that...
you know, I'm getting older,
not gonna live forever.
In fact, I'm getting, you know,
deep into the second half here.
And I was thinking that,
you know, how, like,
in the first part of my life,
I slept a lot.
I mean, when I was in the hospital,
that's all I did.
So I was thinking that, uh,
you know,
life experienced is life lived.
And so if I get up earlier,
right, from now on,
and I sleep less,
then I'm making, you know,
the second half of my life
longer than the first.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
I'm kind of doing the opposite.
I'm trying to sleep more
and wrap it up.
- You see, except, I don't know
when I'm gonna die, right?
So if I get hit by a truck today,
then the halfway point
was like 26 years ago.
- Pete, you're not gonna
get hit by a truck.
- How do you know?
- 'Cause you don't leave this building.
If a truck was gonna hit you,
it'd have to come in the front door.
- Well, that's true.
Still, there's plenty of ways
for a guy to die.
- Sure.
- And then after that, that's it,
once that happens, right?
I mean, I don't think
there's anything after.
Do you?
- Hey, man, I just-
I just woke up.
- Hey, the beer guy is coming today.
- Fuck.
- Well, you gotta talk to him
about prices.
- Yeah, I know.
- He drove Budweiser up
five bucks a barrel.
- Yeah, no, I got it, I got it.
- Just tell him maybe-
- All right, you know, Pete,
get the fuck off my back, please.
- Okay, okay, Grumpy Gus.
- Jesus.
- Sorry.
- Whatever.
- I'm sorry.
- You know, there's a bad pattern here
where you treat me like shit
and then you say you're sorry,
rinse, lather, repeat.
I'm kind of sick of it.
- Okay. Okay.
- So what do you think happens
after you die?
- I don't know.
If you're good,
you go to some place
where you get to drink lemonade
out of a giant pussy.
- Hey, what-
Why do you say things like that?
Jeez Louise.
- You asked me what happens
after you die.
That's if you're good.
- Wow.
Well, I dated this girl,
it was back in junior year,
I mean, before all the shit hit the fan.
I don't know if you met her-
Vanessa.
- Black girl.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- She was super cool.
Anyway, she said that her daddy
told her that when she dies,
if she's been bad in her life,
after she dies, she's gonna go
to wherever he is,
and he's gonna beat her ass
forever and ever.
- That's...
What- what religion is that?
- I think they were Baptists.
- I wonder if that's where
I'm gonna go.
- Well, you're not gonna go to
the other place with the...
- With the...
- ... lemonade.
- Wow, look at these poor fucks.
- What?
- The refugees.
- Oh, fuck, that mess.
They'd rather drown
than stay in their own country.
Or they get killed by pirates.
The whole world is going
back in time, you know.
- Yeah.
Well, also, now that Europe
let these people in their country,
it turns out they rape.
A bunch of raping refugees,
apparently.
- Well, it's not like they all rape.
I mean...
I mean, it's wrong that it happens,
but you can't say every one
of those people is raping.
I mean, if everybody was raping,
there'd be no one to be raped.
I want to take some of
those sentences back.
- The weird part
with these refugees is
they're fleeing to Germany,
you know?
And then they get there and they get
put in a camp, like, a German camp.
- Yeah, yeah, that's like before.
- Yeah, what if, uh,
what if Germany just starts
exterminating them out of, like, habit?
They're like, guys, we're so sorry,
like, we just thought
this is how camps are done.
- You know, don't talk about that.
- Why?
- You don't know-
you don't really know what happened.
You weren't there.
I know a guy who was there.
- He liberated one of the camps.
- Yeah?
- He's walking into the camp
with his platoon
and they see all these people
starving and dying, you know?
And the whole platoon starts crying,
only he can't cry.
He's not crying 'cause he's,
you know, he's stunned.
He can't get a tear out.
And everybody's, you know,
crying their eyes out
and the camp prisoners are all
just looking at these people crying
and he still can't cry.
So he feels, like, self-conscious
and guilty, you know?
So he starts trying to
think about things,
like his mother or his kids,
you know?
Still can't cry.
Finally, he thinks of "Bambi. "
- "Bambi"?
- Yeah, it came out in 1942, you know,
right before he shipped off to war.
So he's thinking about how Bambi's
mother was shot, you know?
Cries like a baby.
- I did the opposite.
- How so?
- I was watching "Bambi" with this girl
I was seeing, she was a ballerina.
And when Bambi's mother got shot,
she started crying, the ballerina.
And I wanted to cry with her,
you know,
to show her I had feelings,
but- but I didn't care.
- Wait, so what, you used the Holocaust
so that you could cry about Bambi?
- It's sad.
Isn't it sad?
- Which one,
"Bambi" or the Holocaust?
- It's sad that it's so hard to show
your feelings when you really want to.
- Hey, Pete.
- Marsha, how you doing?
- Can we get a couple of whiskeys?
- Yeah, whiskey's good.
- Couple of whiskeys, please.
- You got it.
- Pete, this is Dennis.
- Dennis.
- Pete, how you doing?
- He owns the tire store
over on Atlantic.
- That right?
- Yeah, unless he's lying to me.
- I got four tire stores in Brooklyn.
I got six tire stores
across Long Island.
- Yeah?
- You must be tired.
- Is that your place
on Atlantic and 17th?
- Oh, that place us bogus, bullshit.
They do retreads, and they'll
rape you with their prices.
I'm over by Flatbush and Atlantic,
by the Jewish bakers?
- The Kosher guy?
- Are your tires Kosher?
- What?
This fucking guy.
- Dennis, Leon.
- Nice to meet you, Leon.
- Oh.
- He don't shake.
- Anyway, that's me over
by the Jewish bakers.
Come over and see me
if you need tires.
- I don't need tires.
I don't have a car.
- Last car I had was a Plymouth.
- Fucking Plymouth?
- Nah, forget it, this is on the house.
- Marsha: Thanks, Pete.
- Mind if I tell you again?
You look beautiful.
- I don't mind, I like it.
- Well, you are.
I never seen a woman look like you.
- I have.
There's a bunch of me.
- Nah, you're exceptional.
- Thank you, Dennis.
You want another one of these?
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
Can we get a couple more, Pete,
over there?
- Hi, Pete.
Fucking asshole.
- Horace.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hi.
- You worried I'm gonna
see your nipples?
- No, it's fine.
- Horace, what is wrong with you?
- I'll go put a shirt on and-
- Yeah, good idea.
- Okay.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- I'm all right.
I have breast cancer.
- What?
- It's all right, you know,
Mom had it and beat it
and now it's my turn, you know.
It's fucking stupid.
It's my fault.
- How is it your fault?
- I should have had 'em out
when Mom had it.
I like my tits so I held on,
it's just fucking arrogant.
Anyway, you know, I'll beat it.
- Your kids know yet?
- I'm not telling them.
- You're not telling your kids...
- I'm not.
- ... that you have cancer?
You're not gonna tell 'em?
- No.
- Why?
- Because they're little narcissists
and they're gonna make it about them,
then I'm gonna have to manage
their feelings about it
instead of my own when I'm the one
who needs support, so...
- Where are you gonna go for support?
- You, dummy.
Here I am.
- Oh, hey, come here.
- No, no-
I'm okay, I'm okay, I just-
I'm- You know.
- Okay, I mean...
What can I... what can I-
- Tell me what I can do.
- You're doing it.
- You're listening, okay?
- Okay.
- Look, Horace,
you have a real capacity
for listening to people
and I depend on it.
I always have.
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah, it's true.
And I guess this is a good time to tell
you that it really means a lot to me
that you have always been there
and you've been an ear for me.
- Sylvia...
- Hello?
- Do you remember when Mom
first moved out of here
and, um, the three of us
were living in that-
- the tiny apartment on 72nd Street?
- Yeah, not much, but I do.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Yeah, and she was working
those crazy hours and we would
just be home alone,
we didn't have a TV,
and, uh, you know,
- we would just talk, you know.
- Yeah.
- You were the first person I opened up
to and talked to, like, in my life.
And, uh, those were tough times
and I built a dependence on you.
- I... I had no idea.
- Yeah.
And, uh, you've always
been there, Horace,
you know, just to listen and to-
Just be a witness
and be a pair of ears.
- Wow, I don't know...
I don't know what to say,
you know...
- And that's why it is so hard
to be in conflict with you.
It's really painful.
It's like being in conflict
with a part of myself.
- Are- are we in conflict?
- Of course we are.
- About what?
- About the bar,
about this place.
- Oh, fuck, Sylvia.
Who gives a shit about that?
- We gotta get rid of
this place, Horace.
- Sylvia, I know- I don't-
I'm not upset that you want to
get rid of this bar.
I don't care-
I mean, I get it.
I can't go along with you,
but I do-
That's got nothing to do with...
with you and me.
When do you...
when do you start treatment?
- You know, the only reason
you go along with this shit
is 'cause you can't stand up
to your uncle.
And you're worried that
he's gonna end up on the street.
But Ma got out,
she got us out.
And it kills me to see that
you're back here, back in it.
- Why are we talking
about this right now?
- Do you know
what this building is worth?
Even just to knock it down,
the air rights.
- Wha- Air-
What the fuck is that?
- Air rights, what is that?
- Horace, Horace, listen.
Brooklyn is growing, right?
More and more people are coming here
and there's no room to build.
So people are buying and knocking
down and building up.
The air above this building
is worth millions.
- You want to sell the air.
- Yes.
- Sylvia... do I have to say it?
This is Horace & Pete's.
- And I'm Horace...
- No, fuck!
- It's been here for 100 years,
you don't just-
- It doesn't make any money!
- Well, who cares?
Does everything- does every business
have to make a profit?
Does that have to be
the point of everything?
Can't any place just be a place?
People come here
and it's just a place...
- This place- this place
is a cancer on our family.
- Wow, you really throw
that word around, don't you?
- No, hey, Horace, you know...
- You know, you come in here, Sylvia,
and you tell me that you have cancer.
You stood there and you told me
that you have cancer.
- You just told me that.
- Yes.
- And that you want my support.
And now you're talking about
air rights
and that you-
that you want money.
And, uh, I guess
I feel a little bit used.
- Well, yes, Horace.
I came here to say to you
that I have cancer.
And that I need your support and that
I need money because I have cancer.
So, yes, I want to use you.
You are my brother.
Please let me use you
so that I don't die.
Because cancer, Horace,
is fucking expensive.
It's expensive.
- Oh...
- Oh, hey, Sylvie.
- Hi, Pete.
- How long was I asleep for?
- About an hour.
- Shit.
- Yeah, you're eating into
that second half there, buddy.
- Hey, I gotta...
- Okay, I'll see you later.
- See ya.
- Bye, Sylvie.
- See you, Pete.
- Hey, Sylvie.
- I was just thinking...
- You know, fuck your mother, Pete.
- Fuck your mother.
- Whoa, oh, oh, in other words,
- fuck your grandmother?
- That's right.
Fuck my grandmother.
- Is this all right?
- Um, yeah.
I don't usually go to bars.
- Oh? Well, I do.
So...
Yeah, whatever, I do.
- Is this okay, really?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Oh, I'll get us a drink.
What do you want?
- Uh, just water.
- You're gonna drink water?
- Yes.
- Oh, come on, that's not fair.
- I don't really drink a lot of alcohol.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Yeah, what can I get you?
- I'll have a Jameson's,
and, uh, and a water.
- There you go, hon, it's on me.
- Oh, thank you.
- Here you go.
- No, no, no, it's all right.
- It's on me.
- Oh, well, thanks.
- Here's your water.
- Thanks.
- So do you live in Brooklyn?
- Yeah, in Bushwick.
- Me, too.
I mean, live in Brooklyn.
I just moved here.
Listen, Charles-
- Is that what you like, Charles?
- Yeah, people call me Charles.
- Well, Charles,
you're making me drink alone,
but you're also making me
do all the small talk.
It's kinda rude.
- Sorry.
- It's all right, I forgive you.
So... why'd you swipe me?
Did you think I was cute?
You like the stuff
I wrote about myself?
Come on, you...
I was the first one that came up
and you don't really give a shit
so you just swiped and now
you just want to go pound it out
and get back to your video games.
You're bumming me out,
Charles.
You're just, like...
you're ruining my life.
Like, could you...
I wish you could
just say one nice thing.
- Well, I believe in honesty.
I don't believe in saying fake things
because that's just fake, so...
Yeah, I just say what I mean.
- Really? Well, you might
want to check that attitude
because that's kind of just mean.
- I'm not mean.
- Do you have any idea at all
how to talk to a girl?
- What?
You're a woman.
You're an adult.
We're equals,
so it should just be
normal and honest.
- Oh... oh, okay.
Ugh, so you're just
gonna have your water
and then you want to just go fuck?
That's it?
You probably have a roommate, huh?
- I have two roommates.
- So that means I have to
take you up to my place.
Well, if this is how
it's gonna be, Charles...
I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to watch me drink for a while.
And you're gonna have to talk to me.
I mean, you don't have to be nice to me
if you're so fucking allergic to that,
but you have to talk to me.
- Okay. What about?
- Well...
Who are you? Where are you from?
What are you doing in Brooklyn?
What are you trying to do
with your life?
- I'm from Western Massachusetts.
I plan on being a stand-up comedian.
- Fuck.
- I'll see you later.
- Where you going?
- I gotta- I'm having lunch with Alice.
- Oh, nice.
You guys doing okay?
- Yeah, just trying to sort of
just do one day then one day
then one day, you know?
Lunch one day,
coffee one day, and just...
just let it feel normal,
you know, just build like normal.
- That's... good.
- Don't forget to bring her
some elephant food.
- What's that?
- I'm just saying,
don't forget to bring your fat daughter
some elephant food.
- We hooked into a marlin,
it must've been 30 pounds.
- Marlin? It's a fish.
- Oh, you bet.
It's a big fucking fish.
Pardon my French.
- Big fucking fish,
that's fucking fine with me.
- Hey, hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, easy there.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.
- You're fine.
- Sure.
- Do you know that you got a smile...
like...
I've never seen one like it.
- Yeah?
You need to get out of the tire store
more often, Dennis.
- Okay, do you remember
after my junior year at Hunter
- when I went to the Middle East?
- Yes, that was terrifying.
- No, it wasn't.
- For me, it was.
- Oh, well.
- Well, you don't know.
You don't, I hope you-
I hope you never know how that feels,
having your own kid
at some wild place.
- Yeah, but how do you think that,
like, imagine how parents feel
who live in a place
like that all the time?
- I don't care, I don't have to.
I don't- That was
the worst time in my life.
- Really?
- Yes.
You don't-
You weren't calling us.
There was people on YouTube
cutting off people's heads
- and you're not getting in touch.
- Oh, God.
- We didn't know-
It's not fucking funny.
It really wasn't.
You know, one night,
I decided you were dead.
- Jesus, Dad.
- I'm serious.
You weren't calling me and I'm, like,
praying it's 'cause you hate me.
I'm like, "She hates me,
she's not calling. "
So I call your mom,
you're not calling her either.
And then we start- we get in a fight,
me and your mom, sorry.
And then I'm laying
awake at night and I'm-
You know when you hear about a parent
who, like, their kid dies somewhere else
and they just know it right away,
so that's what happened.
I'm laying awake in bed
and I get this cold chill over me
and I just knew you were dead.
- Except I wasn't.
- Yeah, I was wrong.
I'm not a good dad, see?
- Well, I had a good time there, so...
- Good.
Hey, uh, if I tell you something,
can you keep it to yourself?
- Yeah, from who?
- Particularly your cousin Brenda,
who I know you're close to.
- Okay, sure.
- So your Aunt Sylvia, um...
- she has breast cancer.
- Yeah, I know that.
- You do?
- Yeah, I mean, Brenda told me.
And she's going to the doctor with her
and she made her check herself.
She's- she's taking care of her,
so why would I have to keep it from her?
You know, she's gonna be fine, Dad.
I know that cancer scares the shit
out of people your age,
- but she is actually gonna be fine.
- Yeah, I know.
- That used to be the "C" word.
- Okay.
- Well, I gotta go to work, so...
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- But- Thank you for lunch.
- This was nice.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I think that this is the most
time we've ever spent together since-
- Yeah, at least the last couple weeks.
- Yeah, this has been- Yeah.
Well, I'm glad that it's been positive,
for you, I mean, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, well-
- I'm glad.
- It is, it's positive for me
to spend time with my dad,
you know, so...
- Good.
- Yeah.
Well, oh, um, how's Rachel?
- Um...
- What?
- Rachel moved out.
- Oh.
I'm- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, no, I asked her...
- Wait, you did?
- I asked her to move out.
- Wait, so you kicked her out?
- Well...
- Dad, why?
Why? She was nice to you.
She was actually good for you.
- Well, I...
- Oh, my God.
- I guess I thought that you-
If you wanted-
- Dad.
- I just wanted-
- Dad, what the fuck?
- What?
- Because you kicked out
your good girlfriend
and now you're putting that on me.
- No, I didn't say that.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I thought- Look, I thought-
- Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?
- I thought of it as an upgrade, okay?
I did.
I thought that you would have a place.
What's so wrong with that?
I wanted to make it- you comfortable.
- Oh, my God.
- Look, I liked Rachel.
- Yeah, and she loved you
and she was nice to you.
She was- she was,
like, taking care of you.
- Okay, well, I guess
I thought I'd rather
than have her be there for me,
I thought I'd rather be there for you.
- Yeah, but now none of us
are there for any of us.
- Jesus fucking Christ.
Why is this so hard?
Why is it so complicated to you?
This is- To me,
this is not complicated.
I am trying-
I want to be close to you.
I am your father.
I want you in my life.
Why is that not a simple thing to you?
- Okay, but how do you
think that feels,
to have someone going like this,
you know, when I don't want that?
Like, I- I feel awful.
- I'm not going like this,
I'm not going like this.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm going like this.
- No.
I'm trying to be here.
I can't be here.
I'm just trying to get here.
- God.
- Why do you, uh...
- Why do you spend any time with me?
- I don't know.
- It'd be helpful to know why you-
- I don't know.
- I don't think you like being with me.
- Oh, my God.
- I think you have-
- Please.
You know...
My brother is so miserable
and I don't want to be like him,
you know?
And I'm trying...
I'm trying to spend time with you,
and I tried, already,
not speaking to you for three years
and it didn't work, so I'm trying this.
- Didn't work how? What's- what
are you trying to accomplish?
- I'm...
I'm trying to
be able to think about you
without puking.
And this is me trying.
- That's why you- that's why
you're spending time with me now.
That's why.
- I'm...
just sick of being alone.
And...
I'm alone all the time.
All the fucking time
and I always hated it.
I always hated being alone.
And I know that I'm the one
who chose to study law,
but it's just me
and the fucking books
and the fucking law students
who are more boring than the books.
It's the same as being alone.
And I fucking hate it.
It's just- it's miserable.
And even with David,
I was alone.
So... it sucks.
And it just...
like, it hurts, you know?
I think I'm gonna leave right now.
Just so that we can leave
this on a good note.
- That was a good note?
- Yeah.
Yeah, that was good.
You did good.
I'll see you.
♪♪
♪ Horace &... ♪♪
- From the time he was a baby,
he was like in a parade,
marching behind his dick.
So this one time,
he was- he was playing,
uh, Little League,
you know,
when he was about six.
And I was the coach
of his team, you know,
and Horace was out there
in right field,
so right away you know
how good he was, right?
'Cause how many kids
can hit away to right?
So every day, he's out there
picking his nose
and staring off, you know?
And this one day, he comes
running over to the dugout
and he says, "Uncle Pete, Uncle Pete,
I gotta make a pee-pee!"
I said, "Get the fuck back on the field!
What are you doing?"
He says, "Time-out, Uncle Pete,
I gotta make a pee-pee!"
I said, "I don't care if you
gotta make a doo-doo,
"Horace, you little prick.
Get back out there on the field!"
So he starts crying, like...
So I, you know, I called time-out.
I go to the ump, time-out, you know,
and then I go over to Horace
and I say,
"Okay, I called time-out,
now you can go take a leak. "
I mean, what am I gonna do?
He's my nephew, you know,
and he's crying and everything.
I say, "Okay, honey,
you gotta go to the toilet?
You go ahead. "
He's still crying, so I said,
"What the fuck is the matter with you?
You said you wanted to make a pee-pee,
now go make a pee-pee. "
And he says,
"Uncle Pete, Uncle Pete, it's too late!"
And he's covered with piss
all over his pants.
Leon, I'm telling you,
he was covered and it was all smelly.
You remember that?
Horace, remember that, when you
pissed your pants in Little League?
That was a killer.
Leon, I'm telling you.
- Hey, what about little Pete?
Did he play?
- Yeah, yeah, Pete played.
He was the best you ever saw.
He got varsity baseball in high school,
freshman in high school.
He had a girlfriend,
straight A's.
He's a good kid, too.
- Hi, there.
May I have a Budweiser, please?
- 4.50.
- Oh.
- "Oh"?
- I thought I heard you charge
that guy $3 for a Budweiser.
- Don't worry about
what I charge him.
- Well, I just don't get why
I have to pay more.
- You don't have to pay more,
you can also get the fuck out.
- Um, you can't just charge different
people different prices, that's not-
- Hey, hey, kid.
You gonna pay for this beer
or you gonna wear it?
- Um...
- Listen, you mumbling little fuck,
you say "um" one more time-
What?
- What, what did I do?
- Pete.
Just let me get it.
I got it.
- Hey, sorry.
- It's all right.
- You all right? What's up?
- Yeah, uh, I was charged 4.50...
- Yeah.
...for a Budweiser
and that guy was charged $3.
- Just not sure why the discrepancy.
- He's been coming here a long time.
- Oh, so is that a privilege
for just that one guy or is-
- Like, more people that get to pay-
- Some people pay 4.50,
- some people pay three.
- Okay.
Um, how do you decide that?
Is there, like, a list, or...
- If he looks like him,
he pays $3.
If he looks like you, he pays 4.50.
- So just out-and-out discrimination?
Um, are you aware
how totally unfair
and not okay that is?
I'm not sure what group...
I mean, I'm Jewish.
I'm gay.
- Here's the thing- you're getting
more for your money than he is.
- How so?
- Because, well,
see, you come here
and you make fun of the place
'cause it's an old Brooklyn dive bar,
so you and your friends
get to enjoy that part of it
and then also you get to have a beer.
But he just gets the beer.
See, you're here ironically,
but he's really here
'cause he just lives on the corner.
- So it's like a douche tax?
- Yeah, kinda.
- Acceptable.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- I'm gonna go upstairs for a minute.
- Hello, Horace.
- Hello, Marsha.
Ugh.
I'm so tired.
Oh...
Do you mind if I take off my sweater?
Because it's warm in here.
My arms-
I have such nice arms.
Arms.
It's a funny word, isn't it?
Arms.
Hey.
Do you want to hear
something funny?
I always wear a bikini
under my clothes.
Do you think that's funny?
I just think it's easier, you know?
What if I want to just take
all my clothes off and be in a bikini?
I can do that this way.
I bet you never thought of me
as someone who would do that.
- Jesus, what is wrong with you, huh?
- What?
- I mean... ha!
This is your fantasy?
How is this a sex fantasy, huh?
I mean, we're talking.
What, is that gonna get you there?
- No.
- Well, then, come on, let's get to
the fucking or whatever, huh?
- I don't know.
- Why?
Why are you hesitating?
- Because this is weird.
This is- this is fucked up.
- It's a sex fantasy.
- Yeah, but why can't I
have normal ones?
Why can't I have normal sex fantasy-
Why am I, like- like just jerking off
to the tits on the Internet.
Why can't I be one of those people?
Why- why am I sitting here
having this sick fantasy
about my dead dad's...
- Cum Dumpster.
- Yeah.
And why am I thinking
about you saying that?
That's... that's wrong.
- Because it's sexy.
I mean, it's weird, but...
I mean, you're weird.
I mean,
if you can't have, you know,
whatever sex fantasy
you want to have,
then, I mean, really,
what is the point in anything?
- I guess this is the thing, right?
I wish I was one of those people
that's, like, has clean sex.
Nice, clean boners,
do you know what I mean?
About good things, about love.
People that get boners for people
they love and they have sex.
And the whole time they're having sex,
they just smile at each other.
- What, like Obama?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So do you want me to be
Michelle Obama right now?
- No, no.
- Oh.
- No.
No.
I just- I bet when Obama
has sex with Obama,
I bet they- it's really nice.
I bet it's really nice and clean.
And full of love.
And then when they're done,
he goes and he's president
and she goes and, you know...
Why do me and Clinton
have to be such pigs?
- Well, I mean,
all hard-ons are gross, right?
- Do you get- do you have,
like, gross fantasies?
- What?
- Why don't you go down and ask her?
- Oh, yeah, you're me.
- Yeah.
I mean, where did you
get this idea that, you know...
that there are nice, clean hard-ons?
Huh?
I mean...
sex is dirty, you know?
It's dirty.
It's really, really dirty.
And wrong and gross...
and messy...
and, um, smelly...
- and bad and...
- I just came.
- Really?
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ.
All right.
- Do you want to play some cards
or something?
- Yeah.
- What do you say?
Let's get out of here.
- What for?
- Let's go somewhere.
I mean, these drinks are good
and everything, but let's hit the town.
- Hit the town?
- Yeah, come on.
Take you to a nice dinner.
Let's- let's paint it red.
- Why don't we just paint it red
right here?
- Oh, no, listen.
I'm a well-heeled guy.
You're a doll.
Let me show you
how a guy can treat a gal.
- Yeah, I'm sure you know how.
- I do, you'd have a ball, let's go.
I know a great little joint
out by the ocean.
We can walk in the waves afterward.
- I'm fine right here.
- You don't like me?
- No, I like you fine,
I like you fine, stay, you know...
Stay here and drink with me.
- Yeah, I don't want to
do that, Marsha.
It's not my thing.
- Well, then, go home.
- I can't do that, my wife is there.
Ah, Jesus.
- Uh, excuse me?
Uh, excuse me?
- Yeah, doll, what can I get you?
- Can I get a white wine?
- We don't have that.
Beer, hard drinks.
No wine, no mixed drinks.
- Oh, that's fine.
I'll just have a beer, then.
- All right.
- Oh, uh, what kind?
- All's we got is Budweiser.
- Oh, that makes it easier, then.
- Yeah.
- Um, are you Uncle Pete?
- Yeah, who's asking?
- I thought that was you.
I never met you before,
but I'm a friend of your nephew, Pete.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, is he around?
- Yeah, yeah.
Hold- hold on.
Hey, Pete.
Look at this broad
who's coming here asking for you.
- She looks nice.
- Huh?
- Horace, look at- look at this chick
who came in asking for Pete.
- Oh, is that Trisha?
- Who's Trisha?
- Yeah, I knew her at the hospital.
- Well, how come you knew her?
- 'Cause I used to visit him
at the hospital when you didn't.
- We were in the same, uh...
- I knew her at the hospital.
- What, is she a wacko, too?
- Shut up, man.
- No, what?
I mean, she don't look like a wacko, but
maybe she was in for something else,
like drugs or syphilis or something.
Anyway, she's cute,
she looks good.
- Go say hi, go ahead.
- Nah.
- Pete, go say hi to her.
- I don't want to.
- Hey, Pete!
Hi, Horace!
- Hi, Trisha.
- Hi, Trisha.
- I'm gonna go upstairs and take a nap.
- No, come on, what are you doing?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
- What's the matter with you?
- Go say hi to her.
- Yeah, come on, get in there.
- I don't want to.
I mean, we were friends
at the hospital.
I'm not in the hospital anymore.
- I don't care where you met her,
you don't get in there
and get her clothes off her,
or you're a fag.
- Oh, shut up.
- Pete.
- Holy fuck.
- She's got Tourette's.
- What's that?
- It's a disorder.
- Well, that's why he don't like her.
- No, it's not.
It's got nothing to do with it.
And I like her fine.
- So go talk to her.
Pete, I remember Trisha,
she was really cool.
- Just go say hi to her, she's cute.
- Come on.
- Hey, Trisha.
- Hi, Pete.
- How you been?
- I'm really well, thanks.
Uh, how are you?
- I'm all right.
- Good.
- You look good.
- Thanks.
You, uh...
It's nice to see you.
- You know,
I think about you sometimes.
I called you but you never
called me back and I-
I remember you telling me
about this place
and I loved hearing you
talk about it.
Anyway, I just moved close to here
and I thought, what the hell?
I'll just go by and see him.
- Okay.
- Hey, Pete, um...
you know,
when we were in the hospital,
you were such an important-
- Okay, well, uh,
I'll see you around.
- Fuck was that? Make an effort.
- What?
- Come on, she's a wacko,
but she's very nice.
And anyway,
she obviously likes you.
And you know, anyway, you're-
- I mean...
- What?
I'm what? No, what?
What, you think just because
she's got a disorder
and I've got my thing
that I have to be with her?
What the fuck is that?
I gotta stick with my own kind?
"Just stay away from
the normal girls, Pete.
Just stay with your own
fucked up kind, Pete. "
- No, I'm not saying any of that.
- I am.
Makes sense.
I mean, you two wack jobs
should go together.
Just don't have any babies.
- What I'm saying is that
she's cute and she's nice
and she likes you and you're 52,
so how many more times
is that gonna happen for you?
- Look, I knew her at the hospital,
we're not there anymore, that's that.
- Trisha: Fuck your mother!
- Oh, hey, whoa.
Watch your tongue there, Trisha.
- Nigger cock!
Nigger cock!
- I think I'm in love.
Hey, Trisha, those are some pipes
you've got on you.
- Sorry.
- No, no, that's all right.
It's all right.
Forget about it, it's a free country.
Look, I'm gonna give you another beer.
Free beer on the house.
- Hey, could I ask you a question?
- Oh, sure.
- Hi, how you doing?
- Hi.
- So, like, you have Tourette's, right?
- Yep.
- So, like, how do you...
live?
I mean, like, you look like
you're doing okay,
but can you, like,
suppress it when you have to?
- No, in fact, if I have to suppress it,
I can't even more.
It's like the worst outcome of the tics,
the more they want to come out.
That's why I'm...
I'm really sorry I yelled that.
It's like this itch you have to scratch
and I can only get to it
by saying the worst thing
that I could ever say sometimes,
depending on where I am, so you-
you being here made that come out.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
I know by the way you said it,
you didn't have any hatred behind it.
Also, it helped that you said
"cock" at the end.
- I wasn't offended, either.
- But, like, how do you live with it?
Like, can you hold down a job?
- I- I haven't kept a lot of them.
I get fired a lot and have to
pound a lot of pavement
to get a job in the first place 'cause
I have to tell them when I interview.
But, um, you know,
it's trial and error.
But I found a nice place.
It works out, so far.
I work really hard
and they gave me a private space,
so it's not so bad and I have to be
a really nice person
when I'm not yelling things
to make up for it.
- I like you both ways.
- Fucking little faggot!
- Hey.
I'm not a faggot.
- Hey, if you don't mind my saying so,
I think it's pretty brave of you,
the way you handle that.
Like, that cannot be easy.
- Thank you.
- She doesn't have to live with it.
You could take that
Divolactin stuff
and then your symptoms
would go away.
- Yeah, but then I'd be asleep half
the day and I couldn't work.
I mean, not like I do now.
I mean... it's not easy.
People stare at me.
They- they just think I'm awful.
People lecture me, insult me.
And people who know what's wrong
with me just look away.
I would.
But I'd rather rough it and deal
with all that and have a life
rather than just take Divolactin
and shut down.
So far, it's worth it.
- Yeah, well, I can't do that, Trisha.
I go off my meds,
I lose my fucking mind.
I can't do anything without Probitol,
so I don't have the luxury
of that choice.
- I know that, Pete.
I know that.
- You knew Pete in the hospital?
- Yeah, he... he really helped me.
It's really scary in there.
It's a scary place.
But Pete wouldn't let
anybody bother me
and he was a friend
when I needed one.
He still hasn't let me thank him.
He used to tell me stories
about Horace & Pete's
and he would really crack me up.
He told me really funny stories
about you, Uncle Pete.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- I feel like I know you.
- Well, you're all right, Trisha.
You're welcome here anytime.
If anybody looks at you sideways,
I'll punch 'em in the fucking mouth.
- Thanks.
You don't have to do that.
It's just looking.
Who cares if people look at me?
If I cared, I wouldn't live much.
- Hey, Pete.
- Can I-
- Dirty applesauce tit fucker!
- Jesus.
Can I get a whiskey?
- Hey, Marsha.