Horace and Pete (2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

- What time is it?

- Um, I'm gonna say,
we got noon right now?

12:30?

- What is this?

- What?
- This.

Why is this like this?

- Uh, I'm not sure.

- Well, you closed
last night, so...

- Yeah, um...
I don't know, who cares?

I'll clean it up.

- I just don't-
I don't know why



you left a big pile of rags right there.

- Uh, I had to close, and yeah,

so there's a pile of rags that I left,

and I'll clean it up
before we open.

How's this a mystery?

- Pete, the place is always
perfect every time you close,

so I thought you must have a reason.

- So, I didn't.
- Okay.

- I must've just gotten tired
last night and I didn't finish.

- Okay, Pete, you know,
I don't really care.

I'm not- it's not like
I'm judging you.

- Well, you are.

- You know, I'm actually
saying it's because

you're so good at your job,
that's why I'm saying-



Well, you know, it's like-
it's like a pyramid of rags,

it's like you decided to put
a pyramid of rags here.

And you're really good
at closing, that's why-

You know, you understand,
that's like a compliment,

I'm saying, you're so good,
why is that like that?

That's all.

- Okay, I would rather you say

that I just fucked up, all right,

and that I didn't do my job well

than to infer that I would
do something like this

that- for a reason.

I don't like what that infers.

- Okay.

Well, uh, you did a shitty job
of closing last night.

- Okay, thank you.

You want coffee?

- Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, this is good.
Why is this good?

- I ordered some beans
from the computer.

Yeah, I like it.

- What time is it?

- It's like getting close
to 1:00.

- Hey, it's Dad.
Can you please call me back?

Just trying to reach you.
Okay, thanks.

What time are they coming today?

- I don't know,
around 5:00, I think.

- Fuck.
- I know.

Horace?

- Hi.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- I didn't know where you went.

I got out of the shower
and you were just-

You were just gone and-

I was all around the apartment
calling your name,

but you just vanished.

- Well, I was down here,
I was- I was opening up.

- Yeah. Hi Pete, good morning.

- Hi, Rachel, good morning.

- Come here.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Okay, bye.

- Okay.
- I will see you later tonight.

- Okay. Bye.

- Should I open you up?

- Yeah, just go ahead
and leave it open,

we're open, so open it.

Thank you.

- Bye.

- Thanks.

- It's 1:00.

This is Headline News Update.

- Hey, man.
Can I get a coffee, black?

Here's our top stories that

we're looking at for today.

Candidates are gearing up
for the nation's first primaries

and the caucus tomorrow night in Iowa.

Donald Trump still leading
the polls ahead of Ted Cruz.

At a rally today in Des Moines,

Trump's supporters
said that he is the man...

- Trump, Jesus.
- What?

Wait, why not Trump?

- 'Cause he's a... jerk.

Drops out of the debates,
and I don't know,

I think he'd ruin this country.

- Okay. So?
Why not that?

Like, what's so fucking great
about this country?

Listen, man, if we vote for him,

that just means
we want to go down,

so let us go down.

- Yeah, I guess.

Hi, Marsha.

- Hey, Pete.

- Yeah, listen, nothing lasts
forever, man, you know?

That's just how a democracy
declines, right?

The populace degenerates

until they elect a guy like that
and he just ruins what's left.

I mean, we used to be great.

We used to be-
have a great work force.

We used to be educated.

We used to pretend
to be moral, right?

Now everything's made
in China by fucking babies.

Everybody's stupid on purpose

and nobody gives a shit
about anything

except consumer pleasures,
so why not Trump?

Let's just get
this shit over with.

That should be his slogan.

"Trump: Let's get
this shit over with. "

- Hi, honey, um, I keep going
to voicemail when I call you

and then you keep texting me,

and I really don't
want to text with you,

so can you please not text and-
and pick up the phone, okay?

Thank you.

Jesus Christ.

- Hey, Nick.

Hey, who do you got
for the Super Bowl?

- I don't know,

I don't have a dog in the fight
this year, you know?

So I guess it comes down to
quarterbacks this year for me.

Kinda old school, versus new.

I like Peyton Manning,

that's what a quarterback
is supposed to look like,

you know, like a-
like a senator

with a busted nose
from the '50s.

Not a- I'm not
a big Cam Newton fan.

- Oh, Jesus.

Cam Newton, that fucking guy
makes me nuts.

I mean, that-

Grinning like a monkey
all the time,

jumping around,
show boating.

I mean, why is there no humility
left in this sport, huh?

- Yeah, but how can you
tell that he's-

that he's grinning with his-
when he has his helmet on?

- Well, you can see it.
- You can't tell he's grinning.

- What the fuck-,
what are you talking about?

You can see the grin
a mile away.

All he does is grin.

- Stop it.
- Oh, shut up.

- You guys are just afraid
of an exuberant black man, that's all it is.

Oh, got me pegged.

- I don't know,
I like the Super Bowl.

You know, because of all
the cheering and the-

people get excited.

- Leon.
- Thanks, Pete.

- Hello, Marsha,
you need another one?

- Always.

I'm not going if she's there.

I think she's a dumb bitch.

No, I'm at this bar.

I don't know,
just having a drink.

- Turn that off.

You want to make
a telephone call, go over there.

- Sorry, um...

can I have a double Jack?

- Hey, Pete, um...
listen, you know,

my sister's coming later with
her lawyer to hash everything.

- Yeah, I know.

- So I was thinking that maybe
you shouldn't be here.

- Why's that?

- Because I-

sometimes, when there's
a conflict, you can be-

you can be kind of an asshole,

and I just don't want
to deal with it.

Look, I'm not-

I'm not trying to insult you,
I just-

- You're not insulting me.

- Okay, well, there's a lot at stake here.

- Oh, yeah?

- The whole place is at stake, Pete.

- The whole place?
- Yeah.

- Hey, Horace.
- Oh, fuck.

- First of all, fuck you,
you dumb cocksucker.

Maybe you're afraid
of your fucking sister,

but I'm not afraid
of your fucking sister.

- All right, Pete.

- And I'll tell you what else,
you miserable cunt.

- Jesus Christ, man, all right.

- No, you know what?
I'll be here if I feel like it.

I mean, when did you start
being the one to tell me

where to go and what to do,
what to say?

Jesus Christ, cocksucker.

- All right, all right.
- You know the thing with you, Horace?

You're not a cocksucker,
you're a piss ant.

- All right, do what you want.

- Oh, oh, oh...
- You do what you want.

- Walk away, walk away.
- Yeah, I'm walking away.

- Piss ant.

You know what a piss ant is-

Leon, you know what
a piss ant is?

- I feel like I know.

- A piss ant is an insect
that has no value,

but it smells like piss.

You know, at least a cocksucker
can do something.

Suck cock.

But a piss ant just sits there
in the door jamb,

smelling like piss.

- I was wrong,
I thought it was a kind of car.

- Why'd you do that?

- I was trying
to make things easier.

- Well, it felt like
you made things harder.

I mean, you had to know
it was gonna go that way.

Why'd you do it?

- I didn't know.
- How could you not know?

You walk up to Uncle Pete

and say, "Don't come tonight
because you're an asshole?"

And then he says what?
"Okay, Horace?"

I mean, it feels like you
did that on purpose.

- I- oh, you're saying this

because of what I said
about the rags.

That's why you're giving me
this shit now?

- How did I end up with
a piss ant for a nephew?

I mean, his father, Horace VII,

he wasn't a piss ant,
right, Marsha?

- I never heard him
described that way.

- Oh, but now get his piss ant son
Horace telling me

I gotta get lost because
he's afraid of his sister

coming over here
with her Jew lawyer.

- Um, that's pretty racist.

- Um, racist is what you do,
not what you say.

This place ain't racist.

We served coloreds here
in the '30s.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, nobody would serve
boogies in those days.

I got a picture of a nigger
sitting right there

in that stool, in 1930.

You look at that
and call me a racist.

- Ugh, God damn it, Jesus.

- Don't worry,
he'll run himself down.

- Fuck.

- My father, Pete VI,
he used to say,

"If niggers drink beer,
then we're all niggers. "

Racist, I'll give you
fucking racist.

- That guy's a nightmare.

- Don't come in here, then.

- How about I come in here

and he stops being
a gross racist?

Why is that not an option?

- What I would love
is if you were to shut up.

- Oh, my God.

- Hi, it's Dad, leaving you
another message.

Please don't text me.

I am not gonna respond
to your texts, okay?

So please call me on the phone.

I don't want to communicate
with you that way, please.

Thank you.

- Whoa!

- What was that?
What happened.

- Oh, uh, nothing, nothing,
I'm sorry.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm just...

- What does it mean that
you're an assistant D.A.?

I never really knew
what that meant.

- Well, the district attorney,
Ken Thompson, he runs the office

and he directs
what kinds of cases

and what cases
we bring to court,

and assistant district attorneys
like myself

bring the cases to court.

- How many assistant D.A.s are there?

- In Brooklyn, about 800.

- Oh, that's weird.

- Why is that weird?

- I don't know, that's weird,
like, it seems like a lot?

I thought it was
an impressive thing,

like, you're the D.A.'s assistant,

but there's a bunch of you
all doing the same thing.

Hundreds of you.
It's just not as-

- Yeah, it's not impressive,
I didn't say it was.

- I know, I'm just saying,

I thought it sounded
like a big shot job.

- No, I didn't say
it was a big shot job,

I mean, you asked what I do,
that's all.

- Yeah, but when you're talking
about your job, you're saying,

"Like, you know,
like, look at me.

"This is what I do,
this is something special,

"like, I'm the D.A.'s assistant.

"You know, like,
I work for the city,

"and I put away bad guys

and it's just, you know,
me and him. "

But there's just, like,
a bunch of you all

doing the same thing.

Have you even ever
met the D.A.?

- Uh, no, I haven't, all right?

It's not impressive,
I didn't say it was.

It's just my job, that's all.

- But you have to figure
that the D.A.

was once an assistant D.A., right?

And he worked his way up,

so you can work your way up
and then someday, right?

- Not really.

- Why not?
Why not really?

- Well, because,
when he was an A.D.A.,

he was probably in his late 20s,

and now he's still
younger than me,

so I'm not going anywhere.

It's just a job,
that's all.

- So how old are you, anyways?

- I'm almost 50.

- So how come you're 50
and you're still doing that?

- Oh, my God.
This is like a total dive bar.

- This place is amazing.

- Where are all these fucking
people coming from?

- Outside, I hope.

- Can I get, um,
two vodka martinis?

- No mixed drinks.
- What?

- No mixed drinks.

Beer, whiskey, gin, vodka.

- Oh, um...

- Hi, Alice.

- Hi, Uncle Pete.

Is my dad around?

- Yeah, he's in the back trying
to get you on the phone.

- I know.
How are you?

- I'm, uh... yeah, good.
How's your mom?

- She's, you know.

- Hey, I found some
old pictures of you

that I took when
you were a baby.

- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.

I was just cleaning up my room

and there's a lot
of old stuff in there

and I found these
old pictures of me

when I was, like, ten,

and of you when
you were a baby and-

and some old black & white photos from,

I don't know, way back when,
that somebody took in the family.

And there's just-

there's just so much old stuff
in there, you know?

- Nice.
You doing okay?

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm great, yeah.

So nice to see you.

Yeah, we never see you anymore.

You gonna- you gonna come by
for Easter?

- Um, I don't know.

Hadn't really
thought about it, so.

- Oh, all right,
well, uh...

it's nice to see you

and your dad's over there
in the phone zone.

- Okay, thanks, Pete.

- Shit!

- Hi, Marsha.

- Is that Alice?
- Yeah, hi.

- Oh. Are you here
to see your daddy?

- Yep.

- Kiss.

- Oh, um...
no, thank you.

- Oh, you don't want to kiss
your grandma?

- Well, you're not my grandma.

You were my dad's dad's
last girlfriend, so...

- Well, that never
stopped you before.

I mean, you always
used to kiss me.

- Yeah, I think that was before

I figured out that
I don't have to, so.

I never-
I never really liked it.

Wow. Huh?

That's really mean.
That's really mean, Alice.

I didn't think
you could be mean.

- Sorry, Marsha,
I'm not trying to be mean.

- Well...

You should try it sometime.

You have an aptitude.

- Dad.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

I was just close by
so I just came over.

- Well... I just didn't-

I just didn't want to text with you,
I wanted to talk on the phone.

- Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

Well, I'm here in person,
so it's better, right?

- It's just, you could have called me,
it would have been okay for-

- What do you want me to do, Dad?

You want me to step outside
and call you?

Is that more in
your comfort zone?

- No, it's okay.
- Okay.

- I'm sorry.
Um... hey.

- Hi.
- You want to sit down?

- Sure.

- Is Pete okay?

- Yeah, yeah, why?

- I don't know, just-
he seems a little...

- Yeah, he's okay,
he's all right.

- Dad.

- Hey, so, look, I just-

I've just been trying
to reach you because,

I don't know, I feel like you're mad at me.

- What?
- Yeah, I feel like-

Yeah, I just- I get this feeling like-

like, we didn't have a fight
or anything, but something-

It just feels like something
happened that you're-

Like, did I-
is there something that I-

- No, it's-
- I'm sorry, I'm-

I just, I- I feel
a bad feeling between us.

- Yeah, I- I just-

Do you want to get
into this right now?

- I'm just trying-
I'm just saying that I-

I'm getting a feeling like
something's wrong,

and so I'm coming out
and saying something.

Isn't that-
is that a bad thing?

- Yeah, yeah, it is,
it's kinda shitty, Dad.

- Whoa.
- "Whoa" what?

You asked the question,
do you want to know the answer?

- What did I do?
- Oh, my... fucking God.

- What?

- You know-
- Honey, I don't-

- No, it's like, you are not aware
of anything, you know?

You, like, look at a person's face,

and if they're smiling,
you're fine,

and if they're not,
then you're sad.

- It- isn't that normal?

- Yeah, for a five-year-old,
but you're 50, you know?

And there are reasons
why I need some boundaries.

- I- Why?
I don't understand.

- I don't-
- Okay.

- Nothing happened.
Did something happen?

- Okay. There's this tortoise
and a frog.

- Is this like a joke or a story?

- So, there's this tortoise
and a frog

and they live together
in kind of, like-

like a swamp, you know?

And one day, the frog eats
the tortoise's eggs.

- He eats his eggs?
- Her eggs.

- What does-

So she cooks some eggs
and then he made her breakfast.

- The tortoise laid eggs,
the tortoise didn't-

how would a tortoise cook eggs?

- I don't know, you're talking
about them like they're people,

so I don't understand what
the rules are of this story.

- Okay, so the tortoise laid eggs.

- Okay.
- That's how she has babies.

And you know, the tortoise,
she protects her eggs.

- Yeah.

- And one day,
the frog is hopping by

and it eats the tortoise's eggs.

- Shit.
- Yeah, it's bad.

And then the next day,
the frog is hopping by

and it's her best friend...

and you know, the tortoise

is looking kind of pissed
at the frog.

And the frog says,
"Why are you mad at me?"

- Okay. I get it.

- You know?
- Yeah.

- Like, you are my dad, so I'm-

like, my brother won't even
say your name and I'm trying.

You know, like,
I like to see you,

I like to come around, I like to
have you in my tech cycle.

- Yeah.
- But that's my choice.

And, like, you don't-

you don't make me smile,

because of stuff that
we both know about.

So I don't know what
you want me to say,

and I don't know
what you want me to do.

You want me to just smile
so that you can feel good?

- It wouldn't kill you, would it?

- Yeah, it would, actually,
I don't want to smile.

I'm not gonna smile.

- That's because you're fat.

It's not your fault, Horace.

I mean, she won't smile
because you're unhappy, right?

I mean, you're unhappy
because you're overweight.

- Uh, thank you so much,
Marsha, thanks.

- Yeah, you know, I mean,
it's all right.

It's just-

you should smile for your daddy,
don't blame him.

- Marsha, Marsha, Marsha,
could you-

- You're overweight.
- Marsha, shut up, please.

- Hey, shut up.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Don't talk to her like that.

- If you don't want to be fat-
- She's calling my daughter fat.

- Shut up!
If you don't want to be fat-

- Well, look at her.

She's bigger around the middle
than everybody else.

- Both of you, please-
please shut up, both of you.

- Hey, Alice.

You know, your Aunt Reeny
was fatter than you.

She loved life.

- God damn it.
- No, really, remember her?

- Yeah.
- She was a happy fat girl.

I'm just saying,
it's possible.

- Okay. Okay, Pete.

And what about Cassie,

your daughter,
my dad's cousin Cassie?

What about her?

- What is that supposed to mean?

What? You trying to make me feel bad

because my daughter died?

I was trying to be nice to you.

- You should enjoy
being a fat girl,

it's not a bad thing.

- There.
- Thank you.

This has been a very nice visit
and a real joy.

- Okay, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Where- how- how-
how are you doing?

- What?
- I mean, how are you?

That's all I just want to ever
say is how you doing?

Are you okay?
Have you been okay?

- I mean, no, not really.

- You're not? What's going on?
What's wrong?

- I'm losing my apartment.
- Why?

- Because I was paying my rent
to my roommate

and she wasn't
paying the landlord, so...

- What was she doing with the-
with the money?

- Just being a piece of shit.

- Well, what are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I'm- and I have to start
studying for the bar,

so I'm just- I'm fucked.

- Move in here with me.
- No.

- Why not?
That's a great idea.

I have plenty of room upstairs.

- No.
- I got rooms.

- Dad, I'm not gonna
live with you.

- This is a solution
to the problem.

- I'm saying-
- No.

- I can- I can do that for you.

- No, that's psychotic.

- Why?
- Because.

I'm not gonna live with you
doing your whole thing.

- It's Rachel.
You don't like Rachel?

- I mean...
- You don't like Rachel.

- That's not fair to her
and that's not fair to me.

- I'm just saying,
if Rachel didn't live here,

then you could move in with me.

- Oh, my fucking God, okay.

- Spend time together.
- Jesus. Bye!

Bye, everyone.
Thank you.

Fuck.

This place is toxic.

She's- she's like-

she's got this wall
between me and her.

I don't know.

- I mean, I don't have kids,
but it seems to be fundamental,

you just need to make an effort.

- What effort am I not making?

I just asked her
to move in with me.

- Well, that's a grand gesture,
but isn't parenting more about,

you know, like,
the everyday things?

Everyday.
Small things, you-

you take her to lunch,
you listen to her.

One day at a time,
you see what grows.

- You know, Pete, you don't have kids,
so maybe- you know?

- All right, well,
I'm just saying.

- You know, maybe don't.

- Horace, Horace.

- What?
- Horace.

- What?

- What?
- Oh, shit.

Nothing, nothing.
It was nothing.

- Nothing?

Pete, what is going on with you?

You're taking your
Probitol, right?

- Well, I ran out.
- You ran out?

What do you mean you ran out?

- They changed my insurance again

and then they were supposed
to send me new cards,

and they didn't, and I fucked up
'cause I didn't call.

And that shit is $100 a pill
without the insurance.

- Yeah.

You're out?
Are you out?

- I got distracted last month

when it happened, and I was
supposed to take care of it

and I didn't
and I- and then I-

Now I'm less cognizant,

you know, but what I'm doing
is I'm taking less pills.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Just to spread it out.

- Pete, that doesn't work
that way.

- Well, I got-
I got one left.

- That's it?
- Yeah, so I'm just gonna wait.

This is my last 12 hours of sanity.

- Wait for what, Pete?

We have to take you
to the doctor.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Why?

- They take-
if I go to a doctor,

I'm so full of symptoms,

he's gonna send me right back
to the hospital, all right?

That I don't need, I'm just-

Horace, it's-

I feel like I'm,
you know, dying here.

Like I'm slipping into
the crazy land.

- Well, Pete, we gotta take care of it,
we just have to take care of it.

- No, it's not your problem,
it's my problem.

- It's very much my problem

and it's gonna become more
my problem, too, right?

So give me your shit,
what do you have?

You gotta get your paperwork
and get me involved.

- I have it, I- it's-
this is the-

that's the old insurance company.

- Okay.

- But they sold my policy to someone else
and I don't know who to call.

- I got it, I got it, okay?

- All right.
- Shit.

- What the hell is this?
- Oh, my God.

- This bar is so old,
it's amazing.

- Hey.
- Hi, can we get two Coronas?

- All right, all you people, out, now.

- Whoa, whoa, wait, what are you-
what are you doing?

- There's too many people in here.

There hasn't been
this many people

since the bar opened
100 years ago.

Come on, bar's closing, let's go.

- No, no, no, no, no, you can't
throw out our customers.

- Hey, these aren't our customers,

these people want martinis and Coronas.

- God damn it, Pete,
what the fuck is wrong with you?

- What, what, do you think you can
run this place without me?

- You're not running it!
- Get out!

Get out! Get-
Get out, get out!

- Pete. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Pete!

Get out!

- Hey, hey, hey...
- Hey, Pete!

- Get out!
- What the fuck?

- Hey, take it easy!
There's nobody there!

- Pete.

- Jesus Christ.
- Shit.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- It's okay, it's okay.
- No, it's not okay.

What kind of a person acts like that?

- He's off his medication.

- Well, put him in a cage
or something for Christ's sake,

we got customers here.

Man, that shit was intense.

- What happened?
What did you see?

- It's a- like a snake-headed thing,

it was horrible, big teeth.

Did you get rid of it?

- Excuse me.

Uh, is this really
Horace & Pete?

- Yeah, this is Horace & Pete's.

- Well, I just can't believe
that this place is still here.

Is it still run by
a Horace and a Pete?

- Yes, I'm Horace, this is Pete.

That's a previous Pete,
Uncle Pete.

- What, you used
to come here or what?

- Yeah, I used to come here
when I was a kid.

My mother would send me here
for a pail of beer for my dad.

- Yeah, we used to sell beer pails
out the back.

- Yeah, and I- I came here
to get my first beer.

And I met my wife here.

She was sitting... in that stool.

Yeah, and we were- we were
married for years,

and I- I was happy.

And then I heard that she was
sleeping with my best friend.

And so I showed up here one night

and she was sitting
in that stool, again,

with my best friend kissing her,

and I just shot them both dead.

That was back in 1961.

I just got out of-
got out of jail today.

- Is that guy really there?

- Yeah, he's there.

- Hey, you want a beer?
You want a beer?

- Yeah.

- What's the last one you had
since 1961?

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Horace and Pete ♪♪

- Yes. Yes.

- What- what are they saying?

- I'm on hold,
he's not saying anything.

You okay?

- No.

- Why don't you
take the last one?

- Because, then,
after that, I'm...

- Okay.
- I just want to wait.

- All right.

- They're gonna be here soon,
we should get down there.

- The accountant's already
down there talking to Pete.

- Well, that's not good.

- I know.

- I'm telling you,
we should get down there.

- You're not going anywhere,
I'll take care of it.

- Well, you're gonna need me
down there, Horace.

- What's that?

Yes, yes, please.
Yes, okay.

Uh, so can you-
can you send the new cards?

'Cause that's the whole thing
is that we need the cards.

- You conservatives are trying
to find something

in Hillary's e-mails because you have
nothing real to say about her.

You're incapable of a real debate.

- Yeah, well,
the problem with you liberals,

you think you're the good guys,
you think that gives you a pass

to do random criminal acts, you know?

Ooh, I- I saved an owl,
now I can go kill a baby.

- That seems like-
you must know that's not true.

- It's kind of an interesting thing,

the way you guys define
yourselves and each other.

Liberal, conservative.

How would you define a liberal?

Like, to you,
what is a liberal?

- Just P.C., fucking fake,
animal rights,

and gay agenda, always pushing
the liberal agenda.

They hate Christians
and they hate white men.

You know why?
'Cause they don't think it through.

And they think they're better
than everyone else

and that they should tell
everyone else how to think.

They're just fucking assholes.

- Okay. How would you define
a conservative?

- Uh, just Jesus everything
and they hate gay people

and racist but pretending they're not,

and they're selfish
and they only care about money

and they think everyone has to do
their conservative Christian shit.

- See, the fact that you start out
by seeing each other like that,

I mean, how could you
possibly ever respect each other

or agree on anything?

- Yeah, well,
they do that, I don't.

You just said you do.

You just described us
with a string of insults.

- Just like you did.
- Yeah-

- Okay, okay, okay.
This is getting interesting.

Now, you, define conservative.

- Conservative means values.

Having values
and sticking to 'em

and defending what's right
and not just saying

what somebody said is right that year,
you know what I mean?

There's- there's things in this
world that are right and wrong

and always have been.

And you have to respect
where this country came from,

and you have to hold on to that.

And the fact that country
and God and life,

those are all sacred things.

And people should
respect each other,

and government is there
to facilitate, all right?

It's not there
to control people.

And the way you get
the best out of people

is to make room
for their strengths,

not by overcompensating
for their weaknesses.

- Well, that sounds reasonable.

That sounds like something
most people can respect, right?

- Yeah.
- Now, define liberal.

- Just being open to things
outside yourself,

having your eyes open
and thinking about others,

and being aware
that our planet is precious

and we're responsible for that.

And people need to listen
to each other.

And be decent and tolerant
and that a diverse community

is a strong community.

And sometimes the little guy
needs a hand.

And we're a strong enough
country to do that,

and so we should.

- Okay, how's that sound?

- Sometimes, yeah.
Yeah, okay.

- Yeah? So, if you start by taking
his definition of himself

and he starts with
your definition of you,

don't you stand a better chance,

have a better shot at getting
to some sort of consensus?

Who said they want that?

- Well, that's another thing.

- They're not trying
to reach an agreement.

This is fucking sports.

- Hillary Clinton is a cunt,
and I'm a liberal.

- Look, do you know how lucky
we are to live in this country?

You think this conversation
is happening in a bar

in any other country?

- God, I hope not.

- Give me a fucking break.

This country is not that great.

It's not even
a democracy anymore.

- Then go live in Afghanistan,
you got the fucking beard for it.

- You know what
the sad thing is?

This country has such potential.

It's not a democracy,
you're right.

But it could be, tomorrow.

If the people woke up,
they could change the whole thing.

The whole system's set up
and waiting.

It's just sitting there
like exercise equipment,

waiting to be touched
while your fat ass watches TV.

If everybody woke up tomorrow

and said, "We're not gonna spend
another fucking dollar

"or cast another vote
or fight another bullshit war

until we get our fair share,"
that shit would change tomorrow.

But it fucking won't,
and the framers knew this.

That's the sick part.

They were sitting in their little room
with their buckled shoes.

And one of them,
probably Jefferson,

because he had the clearest head

from blowing all his jizz
on slave faces,

said, "Hey, the way
to control these people

"is not to suppress them.

That doesn't work anymore. "

- That's right,
that's what history shows us.

Look at the French.
Look at Cromwell.

They knew that every time you
give the control to the people,

all of the control,
they don't want it,

they give it right back.

- Because they're fucking sheep.
- Those are Frenchmen.

- The reason the few and the rich
control all the power

is because the many poor
and stupid let them.

They're too afraid to try
to succeed at anything,

they want to dream about
rich people and never be one.

It's pathetic.

And then you sit here

doing your little
"Punch and Judy" puppet show,

as if it matters if you're a liberal
and you're a conservative.

You're both suckers.

- Sheep suckers!

- There you go.
- Sheep suckers!

- Sheep suckers.
- Sheep suckers.

- Oh, she's my favorite.

- Hey, I'm Horace.

Um, you need some information?

- Yeah, actually,
I'm having trouble finding,

really, any information in these books.

- Okay, well,
what do you need to know?

- Okay, well, what do you
pay your employees?

- I mean, we don't have a waitress
or anything, we just have-

You know, he's the bartender.

- Okay, what's his
salary per week?

- I don't know.
I mean, it's whatever he takes.

- Takes?
- Yeah, he just goes-

He takes out of the register
at the end of the day,

he keeps what he needs
and then he takes the rest to the bank.

- Okay. How much did he
take this week?

- I don't know.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse you what?

- I've just been informed
that you help yourself

to the company profits
at your own discretion.

So would you mind telling me
how much you paid yourself this week?

- Yes, I would mind, very much.

- Okay, well, I need to know.

- No, you don't.

- Look, I was sent here
to examine the-

- Yeah, yeah, you were sent here.
I didn't send for you.

You have no right
to come in here

and ask me these
personal questions.

- Except it's not
a personal question.

- Oh, no, it's not?

You're asking me
how much money I have.

How about I ask you if you
like to fuck little boys?

See? See what that feels like?

- Okay.

So your bartender's salary
is undeterminable.

- Yeah, yeah,
I would say that.

- And how do you justify that?

- Well, the lights are on

and the place has been
open for 100 years.

- Got it.

Okay, also, I've noticed
a strange discrepancy

in your inventory
and sales ledger.

You can see here,
it shows that you buy

a case of Johnny Walker Black per month

and that you sell
two cases per month.

- Uh-huh, yeah.
- Okay, and that same thing

holds true of every liquor
that you sell.

Can you explain that?

- Yeah, I can, but-
but I don't want to.

- Why is that?

- 'Cause it's not a good explanation.

- Do you want me
to say it for you?

Because I think we both know
what we're talking about.

- Sure.
- You're watering down the liquor.

- Yeah.
- By 50%.

- Yeah.

- That's indefensible.

- That's why I didn't
want to say it.

- Why would you do that?
- Why?

Because you make twice
the money.

What's wrong with this guy?

- How can you do that
to your customers?

- Do you know what would happen
if we served unwatered whiskey

to these rummies?

Half of them would have been
dead years ago.

These aren't customers.
They're alcoholics.

- Sir, that is a deception.

- Oh.
- That is a terrible deception.

- Oh, all right, look,
everybody listen up.

Get out of the way.

Listen up.

Just want to let you know,

we've been watering down your drinks,
for years, for 100 years.

So when you get a shot,

it's about half booze, half water.

Anybody have
a problem with that?

- I knew it.
- You fuckers.

- This place is so awesome.

- Have a good day now, okay?

Okay, everybody,
listen, we need to close up early.

- Shit!
- Everybody's got to go.

You all gotta go, now.

- Why are they closing?
- See you, Leon.

Have a good one.

- So, um, want to get a six-pack,
go back to my apartment?

- You want me to?

- You want to?

- Marsha, stick around.

- Why should she stick around?

- Because this concerns her.
- Concerns her how?

- Stick around, Marsha.

- Hello, Sylvia.

You're not gonna say anything.

What's, this some kind of game?

- No, I have nothing
to say to you.

- Not even hello?

- No, especially not hello.
- Not hello.

You're a mess.

- Hi, how are you?
- I'm good.

Are you okay?

- I'm all right.
- Good.

- You doing all right?
- Yeah, you know.

- Yeah.
- Fine, fine.

You taking care of yourself?

- Yeah. Mostly.

- How is Rachel?
She still living with you?

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Still.

- Did you take care of the urinary tract thing
or did you just sort of ride it out?

- Sylvia, yes, it's fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
- All right.

- You doing all right?

- Yeah.
- You all right?

- Yeah, you know.

Kids go back to school
in a couple of weeks,

Franklin's been hanging
around my house all summer

with his loser friends.

I swear to God, I pay
that school 26 grand a year

just to keep him away from me.

- Hey, Pete, come on down.

- No, no, no, no, no,
hey, hey, let him rest,

he can't- just, he needs-

- This is a family meeting.

He's the reigning Pete,
he's got to be present.

- No, this is not
a family meeting,

this is a courtesy meeting
before I bring legal action.

So why is she here?

- She?

- I said, she stays, too.
- Oh, she.

- What, because she was
the last person our dad

was fucking before he died?

That doesn't make
her family, Pete.

- Fucking is how you make family.

Oh, Christ almighty.

- Now, what's this?
This your legal action here?

- Yes, this is Randall.
Randall- Randall is representing me.

- Hello, nice to meet you all.

I hope we can resolve this amicably.

- This is your representation?
This is your lawyer?

- Yes.
- Randall?

Hello, Randall.

- Come on, Pete,
stop with that.

- What? He's a sissy.

- Come on, it's 2016.

- Not for him, it isn't.
Cro-Magnon idiot.

- Don't bother, Sylvia.

- No, his homophobic bullshit
is unacceptable.

- Well, I wouldn't have gotten
very far as a lawyer in New York

if I didn't accept it.

At least I don't have to put up
with it every day like he does.

- Hey, Pete.
- Pete, hi.

- Hi, Sylvia.

- He ran out of Probitol.

- He what? How- how could you
let that happen?

- I didn't let it happen.

- So what the hell's wrong
with you, anyway?

What, you get cuckoo
if you don't have a pill?

- Pete, Pete,
he has a mental condition.

- No, come on, he's just agitated,
that's all.

So what?
You calm down.

You know, you feel something strange
coming on, you just- you calm down.

What the hell do you
need a pill for?

- Listen, I would really
like to get started

because we have
a bit of ground to cover.

From my read of things,

this case covers
a common law issue

regarding Sylvia
and her brothers,

involving this bar,

which they inherited from their
father when he died a year ago.

- That's not what happened,
that's not the way this works.

You know, you have
no business being here.

- Pete, please, don't start with the-
the nonsense about

the Horace & Pete lineage,
this is not "Game of Thrones. "

- Okay, Mister-

- It's Uncle Pete.
- Okay.

If my notes are correct,

you were Horace Sr. 's first cousin?

Which really gives you no role here.

- Hey, screw you, Randall.

He was Horace
and I was Pete

and now he's gone
and that makes me Uncle Pete

and these two now are
Horace and Pete.

- All right,
we're not gonna do this,

okay, 'cause this is old bullshit malarkey.

- This is how it's been done
for 100 years!

100 years!

- Okay, everyone, please
just a minute here.

Let's just get
the facts clear first.

Horace & Pete, this bar,

previously owned
by Horace Wittel,

deceased one year ago today.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's not a coincidence.

- Go ahead.
- Okay.

Mr. Wittel, having left
no will on record,

common law is applied,

leaving care and ownership
to his children,

Horace Wittel VllI
and Sylvia Wittel.

- None of that's true.

- Hey, can we let him finish,
please?

- He didn't leave it to her,
he left it to Horace and Pete.

- Okay, common law says
that he left it

to all of his children
equally, by default,

and that after a year,

because these two have let
the business steadily decline,

I as a partner have
a right to take over control

of the business to dissolve it.

- This bar belongs
to Horace and Pete.

Marsha here gets a cut

when business is good,
I get my cut.

- No, no, not anymore.

- And Sylvia, if you want
a share of this,

then I suggest you
get knocked up,

if any man will have you,

and then give birth to
a son and call him Horace,

because you're not gonna get anything
bringing this fag in here.

Holy shit.

- No offense, Randall.

- Peter-
- No, no, just a minute, Sylvia.

This is what you
brought me here for.

Okay.

So tell me, Peter...

Tell me what you know that I don't.

- Because, like you said,
Horace Vll left no will,

because we don't use wills,
we don't leave wills.

We have traditions.

- Okay, Pete,
none of this means anything.

- No, I want to hear this.

- Go ahead, tell him.
Tell him all the whole thing.

- Horace & Pete's
was opened in 1916-

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- I'm telling the story.
- Go ahead, tell it.

- Hey, I have a story.

- I'll tell it.

Come over here.
Come here.

Do you drink?

- Sure.

- Take a taste of that.

- Wow, that's wonderful.

- That's because
it's 100 years old.

That, my Miss Randall,

was the first bottle of whiskey
ever purchased for this place.

- I mean, that is the most
incredible whiskey I've ever tasted.

I've never tasted
anything like that.

It's like... drinking time.

- This bottle was bought
by Horace Wittel.

Wittel, Horace Wittel.

And in 1916,
he started this place

and operated it with his brother, Pete.

Now, in the meantime,

Horace had a son named Horace
and Pete had a son named Pete.

And when they died,

those Horace and Pete inherited
the place and they ran it

as the new Horace and Pete.

And it's been like that,
passing down from generation

to generation ever since then.

Always in the family,

always owned by a Horace

and operated in partnership
with a Pete.

Sometimes they were brothers,
sometimes they were cousins.

Me and my cousin Horace
owned this place

until he died a year ago today.

And then it was passed on
to this worthless fuck Horace

and his worthless fuck cousin Pete.

- So-
- What?

- What?

- You said cousin.
- So?

- We're not cousins,
we're brothers.

- No, you're not, stupid.
- No, Pete, our brother Pete.

No, he's not.

- What are you talking about?

- Horace wasn't your father.

Yes, he was.

- No, he was-

He was my kid.

I don't like kids.

So I put him in with Horace's,
that's all.

- Are you fucking serious?

- What? It's not serious.
It's what is.

- Wait a minute.

So who's his mother?

- Never mind that.
That- that's none of your business.

- No, I kinda think it is, Pete.

- Oh, okay, all right,
she had him and she died

and then I have him over
to Horace when Sylvia was two.

- You're not-
you're not kidding.

- This is- this is true?
So you gave up your son?

- I don't like kids.

- And then you married
Aunt Dorothy and had-

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Look, that's not the story here.

This is the story here,
let me tell the fucking story!

- Dad?

- Oh, don't start that shit now,
I'm not your father.

I'm Uncle Pete.

Just keep things the way they are.

Uncle Pete, that's it.

- Oh, my God, wow.

- Wow.

- This is the best whiskey in the world.

I mean, wow.

- This faggot likes whiskey.

- That's why when mom left
and moved to Manhattan,

she only took you two, not me,
because she's not my mom.

- Yeah, you'll catch on real quick.

- Oh, my God.

- Look, I kept you in the family,
didn't I?

You're Pete.

You're the new Pete
of this new generation.

That means you own this bar
along with Horace

and you can do with it
whatever you want.

- None of this is written down
or documented anywhere.

It has absolutely no basis in law.

It is fucking madness.

This place belongs
to me and Horace,

through basic common law, okay?

- Randall, please?
- That's right.

- Common law.
- Common law.

- Common law.
Okay, now, look, I'm not-

You know, I'm not
an educated guy or anything,

but it seems to me
that common law

is when there's
nothing written down, right?

Like there's no will, right?

And that's when you go

to a generally agreed upon principle of law,
is that- is that right?

- Yeah, pretty close.

- So what about our family law?

What about-
what about our common law?

- What do you mean?

- This family,
this establishment has a tradition,

it has a history,

it has bylaws that have been
followed by the letter

for a 100 years.

You're gonna tell me that if
this goes in front of a judge,

he's not gonna
pay some respect to that?

Here in Brooklyn?

- Well, not-
- No, that is why we are here.

Because common law,
not family law,

common law dictates that
because he fucked the place up,

it gives me the right to sell it.

- Oh, stop it.

You're not gonna
sell this place.

I see you coming a mile away.

- What are you?

- It's always been a woman
in this family

always trying to shut the place down.

You know, the very first
Horace & Petes,

they started this place
just to get away from their wives.

It's always been a female
in the family.

- Oh, my God, Pete,
are you proud of that?

All that misery in this
fucked-up place in our family?

Why are you holding on to that?

Why do you want us
to hold on to that?

Why can't we all-

- We're not gonna
close this place down!

- Pete, Pete, you are
the most unhappy man

I have ever known
in my whole life.

My whole life.

Horace is gone.
Everybody's gone, okay?

Let us sell this place.

Let us get on with our lives.

We will get you nice place
in Florida.

You can get a mail order bride,

you can fuck her mouth
until you're dead.

Our brother can go back
to his accounting job

with real live human beings
and pretend he's one of them.

- A 100 years, Sylvia.

- 100 years of misery is enough,
it's enough, Pete.

Misery is something you get past,

not something you pass on
to your children.

- Boy, if your father could hear you...

- Yeah, my father was a wife-beater

and a fucking brute
and a narcissist.

And thank God
our mother got us out of here.

How many wives have been beaten
in this place, Pete?

This has never
been a good thing.

So you are Pete's father.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah, now I just got that, too.

- Boy, did you fuck things up, Horace.

You see what a mess you made
by not stepping up?

You're supposed to be
the fucking boss.

- I don't- I don't care.

- You should be defending
this place, you, not me, I'm old.

- I don't care.

I'm not the new Horace, okay?

I'm not- I'm not the boss,
I'm not my dad.

- You're a loser.
- Okay, fine.

I'm a loser,
if that's what you want.

And fuck you, by the way,
from before.

- What?

- You said- earlier,
you said fuck you to me,

so fuck you, too.

- Oh, well, fuck you.

Fuck you.

- Stop it.
Just stop it!

- Oh, oh, here goes this again.

- All of you just stop.

- He's talking to invisible monsters.

- No, I'm talking to you.

And you and you.

Sylvia, have some respect,
this is your family.

You don't bring in a lawyer
to break up your family.

And Horace,

do you think you have
no responsibility to everyone?

Never mind what kind
of Horace you are,

what kind of man are you, huh?

And Uncle Pete,
or whatever you are to me,

you want to blame us?

You want to tell
your fucking story?

You want to pour our whiskey
to this stranger

and tell him the 100-year story

of Horace and Petes
and how they were all saints?

Just an unbroken chain
of fucking saints,

Horace after Horace,
Peter after Pete,

not an asshole in the bunch,
and how this place thrived

until this Horace and Pete.

- Sounds right to me.
- Yeah, tell yourself another story.

Yeah, we're probably the worst
Horace and Pete yet.

I'm incompetent
and he's unwilling,

but whose fault is that, huh?

How did this place survive
for 100 years?

A family business,
how did it survive?

- Because all the Horace
and Petes before you

were good fathers,

that's why.

Because they kept
the family together.

Yes, they beat their wives
and they raised their sons right.

What kind of fathers
were you two?

You, the Pete and the Horace
before us, their dad,

who until a minute ago,
I thought he was my dad.

Yeah, you two were lucky.

You fucking lived
somewhere else.

I had to stay here

and watch that guy love
nobody but himself.

Three wives,
he loved none of them.

And you, Pete, what kind of
a father were you?

Look at me, Pete!

Family law?

What kind of a family man are you?

None of us has a claim
to this fucking place.

And I'll tell you something else.

Yeah, I am fucking crazy
and you think that's funny.

Let me tell you this right now.

If you ever talk to Sylvia
the way you did today,

ever again, I'll be the crazy guy
who tore your fucking head off.

- You took the last Probitol, huh?

- Yeah, while I was upstairs.

- This bar belongs
to Horace and Pete.

Marsha gets a cut,

because she was Horace VII's final love,

and I get mine.

And you two can give your sister
whatever she wants,

or whatever you want to give her
because she has no rights here.

- Okay, none of that
will stand up in court, so.

- Well, this has been
a real pleasure.

- None of it will stand.

- Let's go, Sylvia.

- Marsha, as long as I'm alive,
you're okay here.

- Thank you, Pete.

- You got closing?

- I got it.
- Okay.

Good night, Marsha.

Good night, Sylvia.

- I love you, honey.
- Love you, too.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Horace?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Ugh, what a day.

I went to the farmer's market

and got some of those
purple green beans.

Mm, you remember them?

- Yeah.

- You know, it's so weird,
there's just this one guy

and that's all he sells.

You have to come with me
to the farmer's market, Horace,

it is so sweet.

These people are farmers

and they come to Brooklyn
to sell their wares.

And their eyes are all squinty

from spending their whole lives in the sun

and- and they have
the soil on their hands and-

and they just bring the country to the city
with them

and they have this-
I don't know,

this relaxed look
on their face, you know?

And it just makes you realize
that we all just worry,

and we don't have to,

'cause if you wanted to plant
a seed in the ground

and just eat what grows,
then you could, you know?

And this one guy
with the purple green beans-

He- he is just-

he has this dog and he just
sits in this old chair...

- Rachel.
- ... which I guess he must have

brought from the farm, because-

- Rachel.
- What?

- Um... I...

I think maybe
you should move out.

- What?

- I feel like I-
I think we rushed into this.

I don't think that we
thought it through.

I think that-

I'm not-

I'm not ready to live with
a woman again

and it's not fair to you that-

you know, and I got my kids...

- Horace, uh...

- I'm sorry, I just-

- What are you, um...

I don't- what are-
you don't-

you don't mean this.

- I think I do,
I'm sorry.

I think I do.

- You're kicking me out?

- No, no, no, no, no,
I mean, you can stay,

until you figure something else.

- Uh-huh, until I figure
something out.

Because you've-

you've already figured it
all out, so, um...

- I'm just saying that
you can stay here-

you can stay here
until you find a-

- Okay, okay, oh, my God.

God, uh...

- Rachel.
- No, don't.

No, uh-uh, not now.

- Well, I-
- Bad job, buddy, real bad.

Yeah, real bad.

- I know.
- No, no, you don't know.

- I'm sorry.
- You don't.

This is the worst.
The worst.

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

- Hey, listen.
- Just- shh.

- Listen.

- No.

- Fuck.

Hi, it's-
hi, it's Dad.

Can you call me, please?

Just wanted to-

just give me a call
when you get a minute.

It's Dad, thanks.

- How come Rachel was crying?

- I asked her to... move out.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Man.

- How long is that-
that last Probitol gonna last?

- About 12- 12 more hours.

- Well, bottom line is that
in about three days,

we can get you more
in three days, then you're back.

- Okay, then I need you
to lock me in my room

for the next two days,
and I mean for real.

- Okay.

- Look...

I wasn't lucid the whole time
down there.

Did I hear Uncle Pete
say that he's my father?

Eh...

So we're not even brothers?

- Well, Pete,
we're in our fifties.

I mean, what's the difference?

- Yeah.