Hoops (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - My Two Dads - full transcript
Goddamn it!
Guys, the point is, is to get the ball
to go through the hoop,
not miss it.
Hell yeah, dorks. Eat this!
OK, look.
The most important thing about shooting
is the follow-through.
Let me show you how it's done.
[grunts]
[grunts]
All right, fuck. All right, here we go.
Fuckin' piece of sh...
Because everybody knows
it's bad luck to end practice on a miss.
Oh, fuck me!
I'm just gonna make one really fast,
and then we're done.
[continues throwing]
Well, hopefully,
you got what I was trying to say.
[door opens, slams]
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
[Ben] Wow, Kirk! You found it!
The Pamela and Tommy Lee Sex Tape:
Uncensored.
The holy grail of amateur porn.
We haven't watched it
since we were 11 years old.
Oh, that tape was so fucking good.
I almost didn't mind
that it made me insecure
about the size of my dick
for the rest of my life.
So you're sure Shannon has a VCR?
Yeah, she's got a VCR. My VCR.
I'm just gonna run in, and I'll grab it.
-Oh, nice. Ron's here.
-Fuckin' Ron.
He said he had to leave practice
early today for some night class.
[cell phone vibrates]
Ooh, FaceTime! Bold choice.
Hey, I said you could bang my wife.
But lie to get out of work
and bang my wife?
What the fuck, Ron?
I wasn't lying. I'm at an art class.
I can't talk right now.
It makes my belly move around.
[Ben] Who are you, asshole?
[school bell rings]
So I have no clue who this guy is.
It could be anyone.
Could be Verne Troyer.
Maybe she just wanted
a bigger dick than yours.
I just don't get it.
What's Shannon getting
from this guy's dick
that she can't get from my dick?
Or Ron's dick.
Look, do you really wanna be
the Lisa Nowak of this love triangle?
Who's Lisa Nowak?
She was an astronaut,
and when her boyfriend dumped her
for another woman,
she drove 900 miles straight
in an adult diaper.
[Ben] Jesus, a diaper?
[Opal] A diaper, Ben!
She hunted that woman down
and got herself arrested for kidnapping
after she pepper-sprayed the cops.
She shit in the diaper?
In the diaper!
That's disgusting!
So, do you wanna be Lisa Nowak,
a crazy old shitty lady astronaut,
or someone who minded
their own damn business?
You're right. I want to be Lisa Nowak.
Oh, man. This shit is crazy.
[inhales deeply]
They say these things could kill you,
but if smoking pineapple marijuana
is wrong,
I don't wanna be right.
[all chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
[Isaac] He thinks he's better than us.
[Timebomb] That's right. Get his tall ass!
[Matty] God, it's like punching
cottage cheese with arms.
Break it up! Break it up!
Matty, my star, my number one,
are you OK?
Did these little runts hurt you?
I can get rid of all of 'em.
They're all just placeholders
until I can afford robots.
I was just minding my own business,
and these little shits ganged up on me.
If I wanted to get bit by a fat kid,
I'd just get my job back at Arby's.
I'm out of here, man! This sucks!
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Would the E Street Band
beat up Bruce Springsteen?
You bet your fucking ass they wouldn't
'cause they would be shit without him.
You think people are lining up to see
the geek from Conan beat on the drums?
But, Coach, Matty doesn't fit in.
He thinks he's better than us
just because he's better than us.
Enough!
Matty is a valuable part of this team.
So unless you're all finally willing
to take HGH like I fucking asked,
Matty is here to stay.
I know you guys are hanging out tonight,
so whatever the plan is,
you're including Matty.
[humming]
Oh, hey, Ben. Just wiping off my balls.
Which reminds me, Shannon says, "Hello."
-No time for bullshit, Ron.
-[glass smashes]
OK, but do you want
to see a naked drawing of me?
It's very tastefully done.
Obviously.
See, now there's a dick
I don't mind fuckin' my wife,
and you got a big dick.
But I'll tell you, Ron,
you got a handsome dick.
Why thank you, kind sir.
Which brings me to my next point.
Shannon is cheating on us.
I saw her with another guy.
Some son of a bitch.
I don't know who it is.
Wh... What?
No, no, no.
I can't believe she's cheating on me!
Now, you I can believe, but me?
I'm beginning to feel
like this woman doesn't understand
the meaning of the word "commitment."
Oh, no one makes love to your wife
behind my back.
-I mean, my girlfriend, your ex-wife.
-My wife, your ex-girlfriend.
-No, my current girlfriend!
-Let's get my wife back to you.
[woman] Oh, my little big man.
Hanging out with his best friends
on a Friday.
These are not my friends, Mom.
They're being forced to hang out with me.
Plus, they're weird.
Just go in there and be yourself.
Get out of your comfort zone.
I'm seven feet tall, Mom.
I don't have a comfort zone.
OK, tell you what.
I'll go in there with you,
and we'll just...
I'll just get us...
myself a glass of wine,
-and we'll just... I'll have so much fun.
-Nope! Fine. I'm going. I'm going.
[grunts]
All right. I just...
All right. I gotta just...
All right. Elbow out first, and then...
God, who designed this thing?
For a goddamn clown car.
[grunts]
Ron, I don't know what to say.
Beautiful ass, Ron.
I'm glad you're here.
What'd you find on Shannon?
OK. I did some recon.
I broke into her house last night.
She's got her AC set at 71 degrees.
I mean, that's way too high.
To me, the sweet spot
is about 68 or 69 degrees.
But here's the thing:
she might have a tropical plant
or, like, a thermostat that takes
the temperature of the entire house
and makes it different in separate rooms.
And if either of those are true,
I support the 71 degrees,
but I'll do more research to make sure.
Oh, wow, Kirk. Great stuff.
That's really interesting
about the temperature and all the degrees,
but did you find
one fucking thing I could use, you idiot?
Oh, I did indeed.
Her day planner says
she has an appointment
at her house tonight with "D."
Wait. What's "D"?
"D?"
It's "dick," you idiot.
"D" means "dick."
She has an appointment tonight
with "dick."
Gentlemen, what would you like to do?
-Let's get him!
-Cut his dick off and eat it!
Uh, I mean, let's get him!
I'll be back in a second.
Ben? Why are you here?
'Cause we're about to Joey Greco your ass.
Ugh! Who in the hell is Joey Greco?
Who's Joey Greco?
He's the fuckin' host of Cheaters.
What? You don't watch the CW
at four in the afternoon?
[man] Ben?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a second!
"D" is my dad?
My wife is fucking my dad?
[DJ] Hi, I'm Brad Pitt.
Look at me. I'm Brad Pitt.
The Brad Pitt.
That's supposed to be Brad Pitt?
It looks more like Jabba.
You mean Jabba the Hutt?
You gotta say the whole name.
It's a title he's earned.
Oh, hey, guys.
Well, well! Lookie who decided to show up.
I didn't decide to show up.
Coach said it was mandatory.
Forget Matty. Look what I got.
Time to get fucked up. [chuckles]
How the hell are we supposed to get drunk
off that little thing?
My sister says if you use tampons,
you don't need much vodka.
Wasn't your sister in rehab?
Yeah, that's where she learned it.
-Well, that's cool!
-Fuck, yeah!
Tight.
Ben... Barry and I are not having sex.
Great!
Sloppy seconds is one thing,
but sloppy thirds would be pushing it.
Ben, Barry and I
are not in any way together.
Barry's always been a mentor to me,
and you know my dad's older,
and he's slowed down a bit now,
so Barry's become like my second dad.
Yeah, that's true, Ace.
Shannon's like the son I never had.
We have a special bond.
I forbid you two from hanging out anymore.
Ben, Barry is an important part
of my life, and you're the opposite.
So we're gonna do whatever we want,
and you can't stop us.
Shannon, Dad,
if you guys are hangin', I'm staying.
All right. You guys have
a lovely awkward-as-hell evenin',
but I'm gonna go eat a veggie burger
and a beef burger
and see if I can tell the difference.
This tampon feels really weird in my ass,
and that's saying something for me.
Anyone feel drunk yet?
Aren't we supposed
to be bonding with Matty?
He's been in the bathroom for 20 minutes.
What's he even doing in there?
I bet he's in there
tickling the old coxcomb.
That's his fucking peter.
He didn't even put a tampon in.
It's kind of counterintuitive to jerk off
in a bathroom with nothing in your ass.
If he wants to bond with us,
he'd better get his ass out here
and stick this tampon in it.
Think you're too good
to shove this tampon up your butthole,
you fucking giraffe?
Yeah.
He thinks he's too good for butt-tinis,
and I don't care what Coach says,
he's not better than us.
[Matty] I don't think I'm better than you,
but I'll tell you somethin'.
I'm smarter than you.
You're supposed to dip the tampons
in the vodka,
not just put tampons up your ass
when you drink the vodka.
Goddamn!
I'm out of here, man.
Oh, crap.
Who's got the smallest hands here?
My string is no longer visible!
I repeat, my string is no longer visible!
[Shannon] OK, time for Guy Fieri's
Recipes for Success: Financial not Edible.
Wait, that's actually what's on the tape?
Yeah. Barry gave me a box set of these
when I started my business.
That's a relief.
I thought it was a Guy Fieri porno takeoff
like Going down on Flavortown.
Who watches porn on VHS?
Aficionados.
[on TV] Hey, I'm TV's Guy Fieri.
Now, most of you know
that I live in Flavortown, but guess what?
Not a lot of people know
that I have a timeshare in Businesstown.
So these are my 567 tips
for spicing up your business.
Holy shit.
I don't know if this guy knows business,
but he knows Flavortown.
I had the best wings of my life
at one of his dumps.
Oh, well, if you'll excuse me,
I have some pretty important
business of my own, you hot shits.
Look at me, the next Guy Fieri.
All right. Make it quick. I'm busy.
Coach, we tried to hang out with Matty.
Truly, we did. But it was a bust.
Matty thinks we're dumb shits
because we spent all day
shoving tampons up each other's asses.
Although, now that I've said it out loud,
it does sound a lot dumber.
Well, that's not good enough,
and you know it.
You're hangin' with Matty again tomorrow,
and you gotta make this work.
-Kirk, what the hell?
-I'm still on the job.
Looks like she's going
to a wedding tomorrow night
with whoever this "D" guy is.
How have you not figured this out yet?
"D" is my fucking dad!
You two are going to a wedding?
What wedding?
Your third cousin Tony's wedding.
I'm taking Shannon as my plus-one.
Third cousin To... What the fuck?
Why wasn't I invited
to my third cousin Tommy's wedding?
Listen, I'm only going
because it's at a horse farm,
and this could be
a real big business opportunity for me.
You know what? Fine. Fuck you both.
I'm not gonna be
the one shitting in my diaper
in this love triangle.
And don't look at each other all confused.
Some lady astronaut
shit in a diaper over a man
while she was driving
to Florida from Texas.
Ask Opal.
Damn, even his house is tall.
OK, team. Let's just get through this
as fast as we can.
And no matter how terrible it is
to be with him, which it will be,
we just tell Coach
that we bonded with Matty.
[doorbell rings]
Welcome back to Guy Fieri's
Guide to Surviving High School.
I know it might be hard to believe,
but I wasn't the most funkalicious kid
in high school.
So remember, never provoke a bully
'cause you might get your butt kicked.
Look at y'all hanging out
and being friends.
Matthew, why don't you
show them your boy cave?
Ooh, yeah, Matty!
Show us your boy cave.
Mom, I told you
not to call it a "boy cave."
Oh, whatever you want to call it.
Show him your... downstairs area.
All right. All right.
We'll go down to the basement.
Jesus Christ!
[disco music playing]
[laughing]
See? What did I tell you, huh?
Isn't my little Shannon a horse genius?
Ha! I don't know about genius.
He ain't wrong.
I'd love to show you a few horses we got.
Ben? What are you doing here?
Oh, hi, Barry. You see, funny story.
I called up my dear cousin Tommy.
Christ, Ben. It's Tony!
You don't remember him?
He was your first kiss.
It was a French kiss.
His were the first titties
I ever sucked too.
Can we please
just make it through one wedding
without you causing a scene?
Oh, when have I ever caused a scene
at a wedding?
-Give me that!
-[gasping]
I know you guys are saving it for tonight,
but don't do it.
I saw his dick in the bathroom.
I'm telling you, it's tiny,
and it's weird lookin'.
Don't fuck this man.
He got a new dick because of that.
Now it's medium and weird looking.
Oh, put a sock in it, D.
I'm finally at peace.
I, too, have found a second dad,
and he's my motherfucking plus-one.
Allow me to introduce my new dad,
Shannon's dad.
Happy birthday!
[Matty] I really don't wanna do this.
[thumping electronic music playing]
[slot machine beeps]
I know, OK? It's lamesauce.
My dad was obsessed with Vegas,
and so he built this basement
as his man cave, and then he left us.
So now I just hang out down here
by myself.
I guess the man cave
has become a boy cave.
Is this real booze?
Hey, high rollers.
Remember, what happens in the boy cave
stays in the boy cave.
[chuckles]
Thanks, toots.
You got a bright future here.
Mayonnaise and bacon
on both sides of the bread?
I thought that was a trick
that only fat families knew about.
See, Matthew? They love it.
I told you good friends
can fill the void your father left behind.
And you thought everybody hated you.
Mom, go!
Look, Matty, we don't hate you.
We thought you hated us.
It's just been different on the team
since you showed up.
Before you,
no one ever expected us to do well,
so we just hung out and dicked around.
Now there's all this pressure.
Well, if it helps,
I don't give a shit about winning.
Coach just seemed chill,
and I thought you guys would be too.
To being chill.
And to drinkin',
through our mouths this time.
But I'm gonna keep the tampon in
a little longer though just in case.
You know,
I like how it feels in my butthole.
-Yeah!
-Sweet!
All right!
[singing]
[song fades]
[disco music playing]
My point is,
if you're gonna be Shannon's dad,
then Shannon's dad should be my dad.
We talked the whole ride here.
And guess what? This guy is the tits!
OK. So you're telling me
that you had a three-hour conversation
with a guy who thinks
that coat is his dead wife?
Why, yes, darling, it is cold outside.
All right. I did most of the talking,
but Shannon's dad's a real good listener.
And at least he made me feel heard.
He doesn't make me feel
like a constant disappointment.
Oh, son.
Please, come on.
I may call you a disappointment,
but it's your choice to feel that way.
Nah, my new dad and I
are gonna go cut a fucking rug.
Ain't that right, Shannon's dad?
The last time a Jehovah's Witness
was on my property,
I took out a shotgun and, well,
now he's witnessing Jehovah all the time.
[chuckles]
Jesus! Keep it together, you fucking nut.
-[cell phone vibrating]
-Don't move. I gotta take this.
[all] Hey, Coach!
I just wanted you to know, man,
we're bonding
the hell out of each other, man.
It's all good.
Wow! DJ's titties
really fill out that bra. Nice.
[slurring] Coach, thank you
for putting me on the team.
I think it's gonna be good.
This makes me really happy.
I'm thrilled you guys are bonding.
Sorry, Matty. I gotta go.
Time to do-si-do.
That rhymed.
Now I'm doing a whole rhyming thing.
I'm stuck.
What luck.
I'm gonna go shoot a hockey puck.
Now I'm doing it on purpose,
and it's not as good.
Don't drink and drive.
Barry, I'm this close to closing a deal!
Is that Ben?
[Barry] Yes, it is.
Ugh! What is he doin' here?
Trying to make us jealous
by dancing with your dad.
I love you, new, better dad!
[laughs]
Listen to me.
I took a guy's eyes in Korea
with a grapefruit spoon.
Yeah, that's not my dad.
[disco music playing]
What do you mean he's not your dad?
I picked him up
from your parents' house in Greenville.
Right.
That's Willy Rothbart, you dumbass,
the man that bought my parents' old house.
How do you not remember
what my dad looks like?
Because all old white guys
look the fucking same.
Look, I thought Joe Biden
and the oatmeal guy from Cocoon
were the stars in The Kominsky Method.
This is crazy.
Why did he even agree to come with you?
[angelic music playing]
Are you God?
Jim, you're too kind.
It's good to see you too.
Wait! Wait! No, I'm not ready yet!
I have so much to confess before I go.
Ah, who doesn't? Get in the car.
There's an adult diaper in the back.
Must have been my charming personality.
Ain't that right, you weirdo?
Hey, buddy.
Buddy, wake up.
Psst! Hey, bud. Come on.
Oh, my God! I think he's dead!
Oh, my fuck!
I touched a fucking dead guy! Disgusting!
-[screaming]
-[Ben] There's a dead body!
Yuck! Run for your life!
Also, congrats, Tommy! I'm happy for ya.
But we both know it should have been me
marrying you.
That kiss was fuckin' special!
What's goin' on here?
Who the hell is that guy?
No idea! Just some poor lunatic.
Hey, let's go and sign these contracts.
Shannon!
He must mean a different Shannon.
I have no idea who that man is.
Shannon Hopkins!
It's me, your husband.
Help me!
Your dad shit his pants in my car,
and then I kissed him, and then he died.
And now he's in the cake.
[sobbing]
First, the birthday clown
at my grandson's party
pulls his peter out, and now this!
Goddamn! I can't catch a break!
[solemn organ music playing]
[inhales deeply]
[sighs]
You were a great listener.
Rest in peace, you wack job.
Dad, what are you doing here?
I came to pay my respects.
Son, I thought about what you said
and how I don't listen to you.
I'm sorry it took you kidnapping
a strange old man to show me that.
Thanks, Dad.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
And in fact--
[woman] Can you move?
You've been standing there
for ten minutes.
Can it, lady! I'm grieving.
Did you even know him?
Did I know him?
On Saturday, between the hours
of four and eight p.m.,
he was like a father to me.
And who is that?
That's my actual father.
He's an asshole.
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪
Guys, the point is, is to get the ball
to go through the hoop,
not miss it.
Hell yeah, dorks. Eat this!
OK, look.
The most important thing about shooting
is the follow-through.
Let me show you how it's done.
[grunts]
[grunts]
All right, fuck. All right, here we go.
Fuckin' piece of sh...
Because everybody knows
it's bad luck to end practice on a miss.
Oh, fuck me!
I'm just gonna make one really fast,
and then we're done.
[continues throwing]
Well, hopefully,
you got what I was trying to say.
[door opens, slams]
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
[Ben] Wow, Kirk! You found it!
The Pamela and Tommy Lee Sex Tape:
Uncensored.
The holy grail of amateur porn.
We haven't watched it
since we were 11 years old.
Oh, that tape was so fucking good.
I almost didn't mind
that it made me insecure
about the size of my dick
for the rest of my life.
So you're sure Shannon has a VCR?
Yeah, she's got a VCR. My VCR.
I'm just gonna run in, and I'll grab it.
-Oh, nice. Ron's here.
-Fuckin' Ron.
He said he had to leave practice
early today for some night class.
[cell phone vibrates]
Ooh, FaceTime! Bold choice.
Hey, I said you could bang my wife.
But lie to get out of work
and bang my wife?
What the fuck, Ron?
I wasn't lying. I'm at an art class.
I can't talk right now.
It makes my belly move around.
[Ben] Who are you, asshole?
[school bell rings]
So I have no clue who this guy is.
It could be anyone.
Could be Verne Troyer.
Maybe she just wanted
a bigger dick than yours.
I just don't get it.
What's Shannon getting
from this guy's dick
that she can't get from my dick?
Or Ron's dick.
Look, do you really wanna be
the Lisa Nowak of this love triangle?
Who's Lisa Nowak?
She was an astronaut,
and when her boyfriend dumped her
for another woman,
she drove 900 miles straight
in an adult diaper.
[Ben] Jesus, a diaper?
[Opal] A diaper, Ben!
She hunted that woman down
and got herself arrested for kidnapping
after she pepper-sprayed the cops.
She shit in the diaper?
In the diaper!
That's disgusting!
So, do you wanna be Lisa Nowak,
a crazy old shitty lady astronaut,
or someone who minded
their own damn business?
You're right. I want to be Lisa Nowak.
Oh, man. This shit is crazy.
[inhales deeply]
They say these things could kill you,
but if smoking pineapple marijuana
is wrong,
I don't wanna be right.
[all chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
[Isaac] He thinks he's better than us.
[Timebomb] That's right. Get his tall ass!
[Matty] God, it's like punching
cottage cheese with arms.
Break it up! Break it up!
Matty, my star, my number one,
are you OK?
Did these little runts hurt you?
I can get rid of all of 'em.
They're all just placeholders
until I can afford robots.
I was just minding my own business,
and these little shits ganged up on me.
If I wanted to get bit by a fat kid,
I'd just get my job back at Arby's.
I'm out of here, man! This sucks!
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Would the E Street Band
beat up Bruce Springsteen?
You bet your fucking ass they wouldn't
'cause they would be shit without him.
You think people are lining up to see
the geek from Conan beat on the drums?
But, Coach, Matty doesn't fit in.
He thinks he's better than us
just because he's better than us.
Enough!
Matty is a valuable part of this team.
So unless you're all finally willing
to take HGH like I fucking asked,
Matty is here to stay.
I know you guys are hanging out tonight,
so whatever the plan is,
you're including Matty.
[humming]
Oh, hey, Ben. Just wiping off my balls.
Which reminds me, Shannon says, "Hello."
-No time for bullshit, Ron.
-[glass smashes]
OK, but do you want
to see a naked drawing of me?
It's very tastefully done.
Obviously.
See, now there's a dick
I don't mind fuckin' my wife,
and you got a big dick.
But I'll tell you, Ron,
you got a handsome dick.
Why thank you, kind sir.
Which brings me to my next point.
Shannon is cheating on us.
I saw her with another guy.
Some son of a bitch.
I don't know who it is.
Wh... What?
No, no, no.
I can't believe she's cheating on me!
Now, you I can believe, but me?
I'm beginning to feel
like this woman doesn't understand
the meaning of the word "commitment."
Oh, no one makes love to your wife
behind my back.
-I mean, my girlfriend, your ex-wife.
-My wife, your ex-girlfriend.
-No, my current girlfriend!
-Let's get my wife back to you.
[woman] Oh, my little big man.
Hanging out with his best friends
on a Friday.
These are not my friends, Mom.
They're being forced to hang out with me.
Plus, they're weird.
Just go in there and be yourself.
Get out of your comfort zone.
I'm seven feet tall, Mom.
I don't have a comfort zone.
OK, tell you what.
I'll go in there with you,
and we'll just...
I'll just get us...
myself a glass of wine,
-and we'll just... I'll have so much fun.
-Nope! Fine. I'm going. I'm going.
[grunts]
All right. I just...
All right. I gotta just...
All right. Elbow out first, and then...
God, who designed this thing?
For a goddamn clown car.
[grunts]
Ron, I don't know what to say.
Beautiful ass, Ron.
I'm glad you're here.
What'd you find on Shannon?
OK. I did some recon.
I broke into her house last night.
She's got her AC set at 71 degrees.
I mean, that's way too high.
To me, the sweet spot
is about 68 or 69 degrees.
But here's the thing:
she might have a tropical plant
or, like, a thermostat that takes
the temperature of the entire house
and makes it different in separate rooms.
And if either of those are true,
I support the 71 degrees,
but I'll do more research to make sure.
Oh, wow, Kirk. Great stuff.
That's really interesting
about the temperature and all the degrees,
but did you find
one fucking thing I could use, you idiot?
Oh, I did indeed.
Her day planner says
she has an appointment
at her house tonight with "D."
Wait. What's "D"?
"D?"
It's "dick," you idiot.
"D" means "dick."
She has an appointment tonight
with "dick."
Gentlemen, what would you like to do?
-Let's get him!
-Cut his dick off and eat it!
Uh, I mean, let's get him!
I'll be back in a second.
Ben? Why are you here?
'Cause we're about to Joey Greco your ass.
Ugh! Who in the hell is Joey Greco?
Who's Joey Greco?
He's the fuckin' host of Cheaters.
What? You don't watch the CW
at four in the afternoon?
[man] Ben?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a second!
"D" is my dad?
My wife is fucking my dad?
[DJ] Hi, I'm Brad Pitt.
Look at me. I'm Brad Pitt.
The Brad Pitt.
That's supposed to be Brad Pitt?
It looks more like Jabba.
You mean Jabba the Hutt?
You gotta say the whole name.
It's a title he's earned.
Oh, hey, guys.
Well, well! Lookie who decided to show up.
I didn't decide to show up.
Coach said it was mandatory.
Forget Matty. Look what I got.
Time to get fucked up. [chuckles]
How the hell are we supposed to get drunk
off that little thing?
My sister says if you use tampons,
you don't need much vodka.
Wasn't your sister in rehab?
Yeah, that's where she learned it.
-Well, that's cool!
-Fuck, yeah!
Tight.
Ben... Barry and I are not having sex.
Great!
Sloppy seconds is one thing,
but sloppy thirds would be pushing it.
Ben, Barry and I
are not in any way together.
Barry's always been a mentor to me,
and you know my dad's older,
and he's slowed down a bit now,
so Barry's become like my second dad.
Yeah, that's true, Ace.
Shannon's like the son I never had.
We have a special bond.
I forbid you two from hanging out anymore.
Ben, Barry is an important part
of my life, and you're the opposite.
So we're gonna do whatever we want,
and you can't stop us.
Shannon, Dad,
if you guys are hangin', I'm staying.
All right. You guys have
a lovely awkward-as-hell evenin',
but I'm gonna go eat a veggie burger
and a beef burger
and see if I can tell the difference.
This tampon feels really weird in my ass,
and that's saying something for me.
Anyone feel drunk yet?
Aren't we supposed
to be bonding with Matty?
He's been in the bathroom for 20 minutes.
What's he even doing in there?
I bet he's in there
tickling the old coxcomb.
That's his fucking peter.
He didn't even put a tampon in.
It's kind of counterintuitive to jerk off
in a bathroom with nothing in your ass.
If he wants to bond with us,
he'd better get his ass out here
and stick this tampon in it.
Think you're too good
to shove this tampon up your butthole,
you fucking giraffe?
Yeah.
He thinks he's too good for butt-tinis,
and I don't care what Coach says,
he's not better than us.
[Matty] I don't think I'm better than you,
but I'll tell you somethin'.
I'm smarter than you.
You're supposed to dip the tampons
in the vodka,
not just put tampons up your ass
when you drink the vodka.
Goddamn!
I'm out of here, man.
Oh, crap.
Who's got the smallest hands here?
My string is no longer visible!
I repeat, my string is no longer visible!
[Shannon] OK, time for Guy Fieri's
Recipes for Success: Financial not Edible.
Wait, that's actually what's on the tape?
Yeah. Barry gave me a box set of these
when I started my business.
That's a relief.
I thought it was a Guy Fieri porno takeoff
like Going down on Flavortown.
Who watches porn on VHS?
Aficionados.
[on TV] Hey, I'm TV's Guy Fieri.
Now, most of you know
that I live in Flavortown, but guess what?
Not a lot of people know
that I have a timeshare in Businesstown.
So these are my 567 tips
for spicing up your business.
Holy shit.
I don't know if this guy knows business,
but he knows Flavortown.
I had the best wings of my life
at one of his dumps.
Oh, well, if you'll excuse me,
I have some pretty important
business of my own, you hot shits.
Look at me, the next Guy Fieri.
All right. Make it quick. I'm busy.
Coach, we tried to hang out with Matty.
Truly, we did. But it was a bust.
Matty thinks we're dumb shits
because we spent all day
shoving tampons up each other's asses.
Although, now that I've said it out loud,
it does sound a lot dumber.
Well, that's not good enough,
and you know it.
You're hangin' with Matty again tomorrow,
and you gotta make this work.
-Kirk, what the hell?
-I'm still on the job.
Looks like she's going
to a wedding tomorrow night
with whoever this "D" guy is.
How have you not figured this out yet?
"D" is my fucking dad!
You two are going to a wedding?
What wedding?
Your third cousin Tony's wedding.
I'm taking Shannon as my plus-one.
Third cousin To... What the fuck?
Why wasn't I invited
to my third cousin Tommy's wedding?
Listen, I'm only going
because it's at a horse farm,
and this could be
a real big business opportunity for me.
You know what? Fine. Fuck you both.
I'm not gonna be
the one shitting in my diaper
in this love triangle.
And don't look at each other all confused.
Some lady astronaut
shit in a diaper over a man
while she was driving
to Florida from Texas.
Ask Opal.
Damn, even his house is tall.
OK, team. Let's just get through this
as fast as we can.
And no matter how terrible it is
to be with him, which it will be,
we just tell Coach
that we bonded with Matty.
[doorbell rings]
Welcome back to Guy Fieri's
Guide to Surviving High School.
I know it might be hard to believe,
but I wasn't the most funkalicious kid
in high school.
So remember, never provoke a bully
'cause you might get your butt kicked.
Look at y'all hanging out
and being friends.
Matthew, why don't you
show them your boy cave?
Ooh, yeah, Matty!
Show us your boy cave.
Mom, I told you
not to call it a "boy cave."
Oh, whatever you want to call it.
Show him your... downstairs area.
All right. All right.
We'll go down to the basement.
Jesus Christ!
[disco music playing]
[laughing]
See? What did I tell you, huh?
Isn't my little Shannon a horse genius?
Ha! I don't know about genius.
He ain't wrong.
I'd love to show you a few horses we got.
Ben? What are you doing here?
Oh, hi, Barry. You see, funny story.
I called up my dear cousin Tommy.
Christ, Ben. It's Tony!
You don't remember him?
He was your first kiss.
It was a French kiss.
His were the first titties
I ever sucked too.
Can we please
just make it through one wedding
without you causing a scene?
Oh, when have I ever caused a scene
at a wedding?
-Give me that!
-[gasping]
I know you guys are saving it for tonight,
but don't do it.
I saw his dick in the bathroom.
I'm telling you, it's tiny,
and it's weird lookin'.
Don't fuck this man.
He got a new dick because of that.
Now it's medium and weird looking.
Oh, put a sock in it, D.
I'm finally at peace.
I, too, have found a second dad,
and he's my motherfucking plus-one.
Allow me to introduce my new dad,
Shannon's dad.
Happy birthday!
[Matty] I really don't wanna do this.
[thumping electronic music playing]
[slot machine beeps]
I know, OK? It's lamesauce.
My dad was obsessed with Vegas,
and so he built this basement
as his man cave, and then he left us.
So now I just hang out down here
by myself.
I guess the man cave
has become a boy cave.
Is this real booze?
Hey, high rollers.
Remember, what happens in the boy cave
stays in the boy cave.
[chuckles]
Thanks, toots.
You got a bright future here.
Mayonnaise and bacon
on both sides of the bread?
I thought that was a trick
that only fat families knew about.
See, Matthew? They love it.
I told you good friends
can fill the void your father left behind.
And you thought everybody hated you.
Mom, go!
Look, Matty, we don't hate you.
We thought you hated us.
It's just been different on the team
since you showed up.
Before you,
no one ever expected us to do well,
so we just hung out and dicked around.
Now there's all this pressure.
Well, if it helps,
I don't give a shit about winning.
Coach just seemed chill,
and I thought you guys would be too.
To being chill.
And to drinkin',
through our mouths this time.
But I'm gonna keep the tampon in
a little longer though just in case.
You know,
I like how it feels in my butthole.
-Yeah!
-Sweet!
All right!
[singing]
[song fades]
[disco music playing]
My point is,
if you're gonna be Shannon's dad,
then Shannon's dad should be my dad.
We talked the whole ride here.
And guess what? This guy is the tits!
OK. So you're telling me
that you had a three-hour conversation
with a guy who thinks
that coat is his dead wife?
Why, yes, darling, it is cold outside.
All right. I did most of the talking,
but Shannon's dad's a real good listener.
And at least he made me feel heard.
He doesn't make me feel
like a constant disappointment.
Oh, son.
Please, come on.
I may call you a disappointment,
but it's your choice to feel that way.
Nah, my new dad and I
are gonna go cut a fucking rug.
Ain't that right, Shannon's dad?
The last time a Jehovah's Witness
was on my property,
I took out a shotgun and, well,
now he's witnessing Jehovah all the time.
[chuckles]
Jesus! Keep it together, you fucking nut.
-[cell phone vibrating]
-Don't move. I gotta take this.
[all] Hey, Coach!
I just wanted you to know, man,
we're bonding
the hell out of each other, man.
It's all good.
Wow! DJ's titties
really fill out that bra. Nice.
[slurring] Coach, thank you
for putting me on the team.
I think it's gonna be good.
This makes me really happy.
I'm thrilled you guys are bonding.
Sorry, Matty. I gotta go.
Time to do-si-do.
That rhymed.
Now I'm doing a whole rhyming thing.
I'm stuck.
What luck.
I'm gonna go shoot a hockey puck.
Now I'm doing it on purpose,
and it's not as good.
Don't drink and drive.
Barry, I'm this close to closing a deal!
Is that Ben?
[Barry] Yes, it is.
Ugh! What is he doin' here?
Trying to make us jealous
by dancing with your dad.
I love you, new, better dad!
[laughs]
Listen to me.
I took a guy's eyes in Korea
with a grapefruit spoon.
Yeah, that's not my dad.
[disco music playing]
What do you mean he's not your dad?
I picked him up
from your parents' house in Greenville.
Right.
That's Willy Rothbart, you dumbass,
the man that bought my parents' old house.
How do you not remember
what my dad looks like?
Because all old white guys
look the fucking same.
Look, I thought Joe Biden
and the oatmeal guy from Cocoon
were the stars in The Kominsky Method.
This is crazy.
Why did he even agree to come with you?
[angelic music playing]
Are you God?
Jim, you're too kind.
It's good to see you too.
Wait! Wait! No, I'm not ready yet!
I have so much to confess before I go.
Ah, who doesn't? Get in the car.
There's an adult diaper in the back.
Must have been my charming personality.
Ain't that right, you weirdo?
Hey, buddy.
Buddy, wake up.
Psst! Hey, bud. Come on.
Oh, my God! I think he's dead!
Oh, my fuck!
I touched a fucking dead guy! Disgusting!
-[screaming]
-[Ben] There's a dead body!
Yuck! Run for your life!
Also, congrats, Tommy! I'm happy for ya.
But we both know it should have been me
marrying you.
That kiss was fuckin' special!
What's goin' on here?
Who the hell is that guy?
No idea! Just some poor lunatic.
Hey, let's go and sign these contracts.
Shannon!
He must mean a different Shannon.
I have no idea who that man is.
Shannon Hopkins!
It's me, your husband.
Help me!
Your dad shit his pants in my car,
and then I kissed him, and then he died.
And now he's in the cake.
[sobbing]
First, the birthday clown
at my grandson's party
pulls his peter out, and now this!
Goddamn! I can't catch a break!
[solemn organ music playing]
[inhales deeply]
[sighs]
You were a great listener.
Rest in peace, you wack job.
Dad, what are you doing here?
I came to pay my respects.
Son, I thought about what you said
and how I don't listen to you.
I'm sorry it took you kidnapping
a strange old man to show me that.
Thanks, Dad.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
And in fact--
[woman] Can you move?
You've been standing there
for ten minutes.
Can it, lady! I'm grieving.
Did you even know him?
Did I know him?
On Saturday, between the hours
of four and eight p.m.,
he was like a father to me.
And who is that?
That's my actual father.
He's an asshole.
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪