Hoops (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Pilot - full transcript
[country music playing]
-[crowd groans]
-[whistle blows]
That's a charge!
-Oh, you inbred pile of donkey shit!
-[crowd gasps]
What did you say?
You four-eyed fuck! Come on!
That was a fucking block,
and you know it in your heart.
You know it was a block!
Come on, Ben.
Are we really doing this again?
These guys are a foot fucking taller
than us, Jeremy!
You gotta call it even
on both sides, ya prick!
Ben, I do not want to "T" you again.
The game is basically over.
Well, fuck you!
It's not my fault
that the hamster that you tied to a string
and shoved up your ass
chewed off the string,
and now you're standing there
with a piece of string,
but the hamster's eatin' away
at the inside of your asshole!
Knock it off, Hopkins!
Oh, fuck you, Greg.
You're the one who probably
shoved the hamster up there
in the first place.
Oh, fuckin'... My fucking life!
We're getting pounded inside
the way your momma
pounds your fucking sister!
All right!
You had your fun, but that's it.
-[whistle blows]
-You're out of here!
Good! I wanna be outta here
'cause this is a shitshow.
-Come on, Coach.
-And this is a circus!
And this is not basketball.
This is Barnum and fuckin' Bailey's.
[player] Come on. No more.
No more! Come on. This is crazy!
But after they took away the elephants
and it's not as fun!
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
It's gonna be hard
to sleep tonight for me, guys.
This one's on me.
This one goes on my permanent record.
I let my emotions
get the best of me again.
I've coached you
not to make the same mistake,
and then I made it.
I deserve not to be listened to
and not to be respected,
but you do listen to me,
and you do respect me.
And I owe it to you to apologize,
and that's what this is.
Let's put it behind us. I apologize.
It's OK, Coach.
It was actually one
of your funnier meltdowns.
[Ben] Marcus, if you're listening
to Billy Joel again, I swear to God...
Huh? Oh, sorry.
I was listening to "Glass Houses,"
Billy Joel's second-best album.
Crap! I don't want my team
psyching themselves up
to Billy fucking Joel.
We're the shortest team in the league.
But you can't teach size.
I can't teach size!
My problem is I care too much.
I love this game!
I love basketball,
and I love this team.
Right here.
I love you guys.
I love coaching you guys.
You're missing the point, Coach.
Oh, and what's the point, DJ?
Coach, you said if we won the game,
you'd give us your Bang Bus password.
Well, we lost.
Well, we want it anyway.
No! I'm sick of always bein' a pushover.
Not anymore!
I'm sticking to my guns this time.
Come on, Coach.
I wanna see some banging on some buses!
[sighs]
Fine. Username: BOOBIES.
Password: LOVETOLICKEM.
Both case-sensitive, all caps.
And make sure you spell "boobies"
with ten "Os." "BOOOOOOOOOOBIES."
What about Scott?
Yeah, what about me?
What, the Bang Bus
doesn't pick up gay guys?
No!
Look, I don't have any memberships
to any of the gay sites.
That's not fair!
Right, guys?
[all] Bullshit! Bullshit!
-[all] Bullshit!
-All right! All right! Shut up! Jesus!
I wish you guys were this unified
on the fucking court.
Here's my credit card.
Go buy yourself something handsome.
[student sobbing]
Sorry. Is this a bad time 'cause that kid
with the baby inside of her is here?
-Yes.
-No.
Listen, the school board
is coming down hard on my ass.
They're sick of your crap.
We have to make some changes around here,
or I'm screwed.
The school board
is coming down hard on your ass?
Language, Opal.
This is a school, for fuck's sake!
Ben, you know how it works here
as well as I do.
You can't be an asshole
and a losing coach.
In Kentucky, baby, winning cures all.
Look, you've only lasted this long
because your father is Barry Hopkins.
Oh, enough about my dad.
Sure, he played pro basketball,
but he doesn't know
the first thing about coaching.
Opal, I don't have time for your bullshit.
I gotta coach.
No, you gotta win.
The school board is coming
to the game on Saturday.
I'm not playing with you, Ben.
If they don't see any hope, it's over.
Opal, there's only one way
this school has a chance at winning,
and you know he won't play.
That's not an "OP." That's a "BP."
-What?
-That's not an Opal problem.
It's a Ben problem.
Then just fucking say that,
not this OP, BP bullshit.
I did! That's what I said!
That's not what you said.
You said, "This isn't an OP.
This is a BP."
That means nothing to me!
Listen, I'm hipping you to the fact!
I'm telling you,
you oughta know me by now.
When I tell you something,
I mean what I'm saying. That's it!
Well, let me hip you to the fact
that I'm getting this kid to play,
and I'm saving my job.
Coach, for the millionth time,
the answer's no.
Just play on the team, friend.
I'm not your friend.
You're a crazy-ass teacher
with zero boundaries.
You've got a gift, Matty.
Being tall ain't a gift. It sucks, bro.
Being able to fart on command,
that's a gift.
What Jeff Dunham does
with those puppets, that's a gift.
Fuck this, man.
If I wasn't seven feet tall,
you wouldn't even care about me.
Matty, look at me.
I'm begging you.
I am in the position of submission.
Your dick is in my face.
This is how low I am.
Then move.
Matty, if I lose, I'm fired.
But if I start winning,
I get a college gig,
and then the pros start calling.
And then the next thing you know,
I'm coaching the Chicago Bulls,
and I got an infinity pool.
I mean, if I had an infinity pool,
whoa, everybody would be sucking
so many of my dicks.
You gotta tighten it up, dog.
I'm just a 16-year-old kid.
You can't be talking to me
about dicks getting sucked.
Please, Matty! If you join the team,
you'll get to be part of something
that is bigger than yourself.
Lame sauce.
I wasn't finished.
You'll also get an iPad, first-generation.
It's got a small crack in the screen,
but I've downloaded Little Man Tate to it,
which, if you haven't seen,
is a very heartwarming film.
I'm seven feet tall, man.
I'm not interested
in "little man" anything.
All right. I didn't want to do this,
but you're forcing my hand.
I've got something in my back pocket
I'm gonna offer to you.
It's pussy, Matty.
You have a vagina in your back pocket?
No, I don't have a vagina
in my back pocket.
What I'm saying to you is
I'm gonna get you laid, Matty.
Are you serious?
You're a 16-year-old kid.
Don't tell me sex
isn't the only thing you think about
'cause I know you'd be lying.
Look, if you penetrate a woman before
Saturday, will you play in the game?
I mean... I... Well...
Say no more, you little pervert!
I will get it done!
I would have made it if not for you, Ron,
you bad luck charm.
But thanks for coming. I need your help.
I gotta get this Matty kid laid ASAP
so he'll play on the team.
As long as we're talking about
inappropriate things,
you can't be texting my girlfriend,
"You up?" every night.
I knew she was up.
Listen, Shannon's my wife.
I can text her whenever I want.
No, Shannon's your ex-wife.
Not yet, she isn't.
I haven't signed the divorce papers.
And if I'm honest, I'm not sure I'm gonna.
Ron, you're my assistant coach,
and I've been very cool
about you dating my wife,
so I'd appreciate it if you were cool
about me texting her
when I'm up lonely on sleeping pills.
Yeah.
You know, I guess you are being cool.
No wonder we're best friends.
I'm sure you'll move on
from my girlfriend eventually, right?
I doubt it. Whatever.
Keep fucking my wife, Ron.
[coughing]
Oh, good. You're listening.
Ladies, would any of you date Matty?
Ugh! You couldn't pay me
to go out with Billy Bob Thyroid.
What?
Roxanne, you're saying you literally
wouldn't date Matty, even if I paid you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
He's just playing around. [chuckles]
Coach, you can't pay someone
to date Matty.
I didn't bring up pay. She did!
[sighs]
Holy shit! That's it!
Ron, cover my class.
First your wife, now your class?
I'm doing everything for you.
So you pay me to fuck this Matty kid,
and you get an infinity pool?
Ben, I'm a hooker, not an idiot.
Essentially, yes.
You're skipping the part
about all my dicks being sucked,
but you seem
to have a handle on it, Connie.
OK. Anyway, it's $500 for penetration,
but I can give him a blower for 250.
You're telling me that fucking
is twice as much as a blow job?
Fucking?
Most of the time, with fucking,
you just gotta lay there.
It's the blow job
you do all your heavy lifting.
If I'm you, I combine the two things.
Fucking is twice as much as a blow job!
Connie, I say this
as one of your oldest friends.
That doesn't make any sense,
and also, from the guy's point of view,
fucking isn't twice as good as a blow job.
Me personally, I don't like fucking.
It's exhausting.
A blow job, sure.
But fucking? No way! [laughs]
This whole pricing system
is a goddamn mess.
You're sittin' there,
you're sucking all those fucking dicks,
fucking these guys.
You gotta suck four dicks for two fucks.
Honey, your numbers don't add up.
Your neck is gonna fall off
from sucking all those dicks.
My mouth and cooter are like CarMax:
no negotiating and close to the airport.
Listen, let's cut the shit.
I got $85 to my name.
To my name, Connie.
Eighty-five bucks gets you a knee job.
That's over the pants.
I just kind of rub my knee around on it.
I promised this kid insertion.
Insertion for 85 bucks? [laughs]
I wouldn't let him insert a tampon
for 85 bucks.
OK, look.
I'm gonna throw in a sweetener.
It's an iPad, first-generation,
which I'm sure you don't know anything
about technology, that's nice.
It does have a little crack on the screen,
but who cares?
You ever seen the movie Little Man Tate?
It's fucking so good. You'll go nuts.
Five hundred dollars, Ben. No negotiation.
All right, fine.
Put a squirt emoji in your iCal.
You're having sex with a teenager tonight.
I'm telling you,
if we don't do well Saturday,
Coach is gonna get fired.
It's all over the school.
If he gets fired,
they're gonna get a real coach,
and there's no way
a real coach will let me play on the team.
Look at me.
I've got titties, for Chrissake.
And I've got rabies.
I'll bet a real coach would test for that,
then I'm fucking fucked.
And he's probably gonna be a stickler
for knowing how to play basketball,
which, honestly, is really not my thing.
Yeah, none of us would be on this team
without Coach.
Well, I'd probably still be on the team
since I get almost all of our points.
Coach brought us all together.
You guys are like family,
except we don't date each other.
Hell, I'll do anything
to keep this group together.
-Me too.
-We've gotta save him.
[rock music playing]
[camera shutter clicks]
Ben, I'm worried about you.
You're worried about me?
I'm worried about me.
I only have $85 to my name, Dad,
and I need another $415,
and I need it now, or I'm done.
I came from your nut.
I lived inside your balls.
I shot out your dick.
Four hundred and fifteen bucks
and we call our relationship even, square.
Come on. Help a coach out.
I'd love to help a coach out,
but I don't see one here.
[laughing]
Look, they say winning isn't everything,
but that's just to make
failures like you feel better.
How about some
three-point bourbon shots on the house?
[chuckles]
Just make sure you tag the restaurant.
Please, I need the money, Dad.
Son, if I gave you money
whenever you asked for it,
I'd be as poor as you.
Is that what you want for your dad?
Look, I told you.
I'll pay for graduate school.
You can study business
and help out here at the restaurant.
Restaurant school, huh?
So I can serve overpriced slop
to your aging fans?
I have bigger dreams than that.
Oh, shit, Ben. I've heard your dreams.
Even if you did have multiple dicks,
no one's gonna suck them
more than one at a time.
You know what? I'm not gonna do this.
Not here. Not in my restaurant.
This is a classy family restaurant,
you dickhead.
If you're not gonna give me the money,
then I'm gonna go to my wife and beg her.
Ex-wife!
And leave that poor woman alone,
all right? She's been through enough.
[horse brays]
Oh, Shannon, you should see
these two horses fuck each other.
It reminds me of our first date
when we watched
those horses fucking each other.
That was so funny.
You know what was funny?
I pretended your dick wasn't tiny
our entire marriage.
[laughs]
Oh, that was fun.
Look, until I sign the divorce papers,
you're still my wife,
and you're dating my best friend.
I think it's pretty awesome
that I'm cool with that.
I don't give a fuck what you're cool with.
That's why I left you, loser.
Shannon, honey, look at me.
I'm a desperate man.
I need $415 today,
or I lose my job
and everything I've ever worked for.
Help me out, please!
Being a basketball coach
is all I've ever dreamed of.
Actually, know what this reminds me of?
If you say the words, "Little Man Tate,"
I swear to God...
You remember how Little Man Tate
tripped on his own feet a bunch of times
before you realize his gift
of just being a little man
stuck in a Tate's body?
Ben, I'm not giving you any money.
We are not getting back together,
and I hate to break it to you,
but Little Man Tate sucks.
Thanks, Scott. There's a lot here.
This really helps.
We don't want you to lose your job, Coach.
We love this team.
Scott, I don't know what to say.
Next! Who else has got money for Coach?
Here, Coach. This is my monthly stipend
for Weight Watchers.
You have a stipend for Weight Watchers?
I thought it was just a meal plan.
Oh, Coach. It's so much more than that.
They moved away from points,
and it's been transformative.
Look, I'll tell you what I told
the only woman I ever loved.
"You are beautiful just how you are,
and you don't need bigger titties."
Thanks, Coach.
Here you go, Coach.
I stole this from my little brother.
You could pawn it.
Probably get a hundred bucks.
Thank you, Timebomb. This is great.
When your little brother learns to talk,
tell him, "Thanks."
This is all my bar mitzvah money, Coach.
I want you to have it.
Thanks, Isaac. Although you know what?
I deserve this money
for sitting through that fucking thing.
Shit music.
Horrible food.
Silly hats.
I did like the chair thing though.
Oh, and by the way,
didn't they say at the end of that thing
you'd become a man?
When the fuck is that gonna happen?
Technically, it has happened.
My parents give me 20 bucks
every time I get an "A,"
and I've invested wisely in Bitcoin.
Well, thankfully,
if you include the firearm,
I already have the $415 here,
so we don't need your space money.
Great. I'll just hold on to it
until the global economy
inevitably collapses.
So you got the money!
Everything's gonna work out, right?
[Ben] This is not where I wanted to be
at this stage in my life.
Offering illegal sex to an underage kid
to help my career.
I had so many plans.
I wanna walk in a room
and have people know who I am.
I wanna turn heads.
I'm sick of being anonymous!
[Connie] Great speech, Ben.
-[bones crack]
-How tall do you say this kid is?
Seven feet.
You might want to stretch.
[doorbell chimes]
Coach! Oh, great. He knows where I live.
Dog, you gotta stop creeping on me.
I told you I don't wanna play basketball.
[Connie] Yo!
Am I fucking this kid or not?
As you can see,
I've kept my end of the bargain.
Who is that?
Connie. She's a woman of the night.
She's not a ten but a solid six.
Five maybe. Four at the worst.
But what are you? A three?
You should be so fucking lucky.
Here, I got you some Magnums.
You're a tall son of a bitch,
so even if you've
got a below-average schlong,
I'm betting it's still pretty big.
Now me, I was supposed to be tall,
but my mom's short.
My dad's got a python,
but unfortunately, I got my mom's dick.
Do you know you're talking out loud?
Yeah, Matty. It's called recruiting.
Coach, seriously, you gotta stop.
No, I'll never stop, Matty,
because we need you on this team, kid.
And I'm here for you.
And that's what being a coach
is all about.
So you wanna pork this chick or what?
How about an HJ?
Her pricing's crazy.
I can get you a really good deal.
-Coach, I don't think that's gonna happen.
-Why not? I got her right here.
Oh, shit! Connie, don't tell 'em nothing!
I didn't. All I told 'em was you gave me
500 bucks to have sex with a kid.
That's everything!
You'll regret this, buddy.
My dad owns a restaurant.
[man] Good luck on Saturday, Coach.
I'm so grateful
that nobody fucked me in there!
Sure, my ego's hurt a little,
but nonetheless, thank you, God.
Shan, whatever you're gonna say,
I deserve it.
This is the lowest of the low.
The lowest I've been since that time
nobody tried to butt-fuck me in prison
a couple of hours ago.
I'm gonna lose my job, Shannon,
and it's all my fault.
I can't believe I spent the team's money
on a prostitute for Matty.
You had those kids
buy another kid a prostitute?
Jesus Christ, Shannon!
Are you even listening to me?
I didn't have kids buy a prostitute.
I bought the prostitute for a kid
with money from other kids.
You're a pervert.
If you could sing or act,
they'd make documentaries about you.
Shan, I'm pouring my heart out here.
I can't even talk to you anymore.
You focus on all the wrong shit.
My dream just died.
I have nothing... except for you.
[Shannon] No!
You have nothing.
[sniffles]
-Can I help you, sir?
-Yeah.
Do you have something
for a man whose dreams just died,
and now he's got to work at his dad's
boring-ass basketball-themed steakhouse
for the rest of his life?
Usually, the "I hate my dad" clothes
are for women,
but I'm sure we can find something.
Follow me!
[electronic music playing inside]
You know, I should at least
say goodbye to the guys.
Where the heck have you been?
The game's about to start.
The school board is getting antsy.
I assumed I was fired.
I couldn't get Matty to play,
and I was arrested for gettin' a hooker.
You got arrested?
Uh... If you didn't hear about it,
then, uh, no, I didn't get arrested.
Well, listen, Ben.
I tried everything I could,
but I think it would be best
if you just put your resignation letter
on my desk by tomorrow...
is what I would be saying
if you didn't get Matty.
Wait. What are you talking about?
I'm saying you got Matty.
Was that not clear?
I'm trying to be more fun.
He's right over there.
Holy shit!
[both chuckling]
Opal, you're right.
That was way more fun!
I like it! I like it. You did a good job!
What the hell are you doing here, friend?
Did Connie throw you a free one?
That's why she's the best.
Heart of gold, that woman.
No, but what you did yesterday
was the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Failing to get you a hooker
was the nicest thing
anyone ever did for you?
Kid, you need better friends.
It just showed
that you really wanted me here.
You know, no one in my entire life
has ever wanted me anywhere.
You know, my dad left when I was--
Boring!
You're here. That's what matters.
Matty, you're part of the team now,
and we take care of each other here.
I'm always gonna be there for ya.
Now, are we just gonna stand here
and jerk each other off,
or are we gonna get out there
and play some Colt basketball?
[dramatic music playing]
[whistle blows]
-Time-out! Did you see that?
-[whistle blows]
We won the tip.
We won the fucking tip!
We haven't won a tip in eight years!
It's a new day in Lenwood, you fuckers!
Yeah. [laughing]
You motherfuckers thought
I couldn't do it.
But the great Coach Hopkins
proved you wrong.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
Right.
No one can take this moment away from me.
The fucking tip, motherfuckers,
with a seven-foot fucking giant.
You're outta here!
Whatever you want.
I don't care, Greg.
Usually, that'd make me go nuts,
but you're looking
at a whole new Coach Hopkins.
I got my player. I got my job.
I'm about to get my beautiful wife back.
And my dad?
He can go fuck his restaurant
with all my dicks.
I'm sorry I let you down, Coach.
Let me down?
We only lost by 16 points thanks to you.
I can't remember
the last time we got that close.
The school board saw some real progress.
Well, I guess I didn't hate it
as much as I thought.
Plus, it was pretty exciting
when that cheerleader gave birth.
It sure was, wasn't it?
The magic of basketball.
Coach, I... I gotta say
this feels like a family here, you know?
And I need that because...
after my dad left,
my mom had to work some crazy--
Boring!
Sorry, the story was just really boring.
No, I get it. It was...
It was pretty boring. You're right.
Matty, come here, you tall, lanky weirdo.
I gotta say, I think this is
the beginning of a beautiful friendship,
and that right there
is a quote from Little Man Tate.
I think.
[Ben] It didn't download properly.
I never got to see the whole movie.
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon 'cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪
-[crowd groans]
-[whistle blows]
That's a charge!
-Oh, you inbred pile of donkey shit!
-[crowd gasps]
What did you say?
You four-eyed fuck! Come on!
That was a fucking block,
and you know it in your heart.
You know it was a block!
Come on, Ben.
Are we really doing this again?
These guys are a foot fucking taller
than us, Jeremy!
You gotta call it even
on both sides, ya prick!
Ben, I do not want to "T" you again.
The game is basically over.
Well, fuck you!
It's not my fault
that the hamster that you tied to a string
and shoved up your ass
chewed off the string,
and now you're standing there
with a piece of string,
but the hamster's eatin' away
at the inside of your asshole!
Knock it off, Hopkins!
Oh, fuck you, Greg.
You're the one who probably
shoved the hamster up there
in the first place.
Oh, fuckin'... My fucking life!
We're getting pounded inside
the way your momma
pounds your fucking sister!
All right!
You had your fun, but that's it.
-[whistle blows]
-You're out of here!
Good! I wanna be outta here
'cause this is a shitshow.
-Come on, Coach.
-And this is a circus!
And this is not basketball.
This is Barnum and fuckin' Bailey's.
[player] Come on. No more.
No more! Come on. This is crazy!
But after they took away the elephants
and it's not as fun!
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
It's gonna be hard
to sleep tonight for me, guys.
This one's on me.
This one goes on my permanent record.
I let my emotions
get the best of me again.
I've coached you
not to make the same mistake,
and then I made it.
I deserve not to be listened to
and not to be respected,
but you do listen to me,
and you do respect me.
And I owe it to you to apologize,
and that's what this is.
Let's put it behind us. I apologize.
It's OK, Coach.
It was actually one
of your funnier meltdowns.
[Ben] Marcus, if you're listening
to Billy Joel again, I swear to God...
Huh? Oh, sorry.
I was listening to "Glass Houses,"
Billy Joel's second-best album.
Crap! I don't want my team
psyching themselves up
to Billy fucking Joel.
We're the shortest team in the league.
But you can't teach size.
I can't teach size!
My problem is I care too much.
I love this game!
I love basketball,
and I love this team.
Right here.
I love you guys.
I love coaching you guys.
You're missing the point, Coach.
Oh, and what's the point, DJ?
Coach, you said if we won the game,
you'd give us your Bang Bus password.
Well, we lost.
Well, we want it anyway.
No! I'm sick of always bein' a pushover.
Not anymore!
I'm sticking to my guns this time.
Come on, Coach.
I wanna see some banging on some buses!
[sighs]
Fine. Username: BOOBIES.
Password: LOVETOLICKEM.
Both case-sensitive, all caps.
And make sure you spell "boobies"
with ten "Os." "BOOOOOOOOOOBIES."
What about Scott?
Yeah, what about me?
What, the Bang Bus
doesn't pick up gay guys?
No!
Look, I don't have any memberships
to any of the gay sites.
That's not fair!
Right, guys?
[all] Bullshit! Bullshit!
-[all] Bullshit!
-All right! All right! Shut up! Jesus!
I wish you guys were this unified
on the fucking court.
Here's my credit card.
Go buy yourself something handsome.
[student sobbing]
Sorry. Is this a bad time 'cause that kid
with the baby inside of her is here?
-Yes.
-No.
Listen, the school board
is coming down hard on my ass.
They're sick of your crap.
We have to make some changes around here,
or I'm screwed.
The school board
is coming down hard on your ass?
Language, Opal.
This is a school, for fuck's sake!
Ben, you know how it works here
as well as I do.
You can't be an asshole
and a losing coach.
In Kentucky, baby, winning cures all.
Look, you've only lasted this long
because your father is Barry Hopkins.
Oh, enough about my dad.
Sure, he played pro basketball,
but he doesn't know
the first thing about coaching.
Opal, I don't have time for your bullshit.
I gotta coach.
No, you gotta win.
The school board is coming
to the game on Saturday.
I'm not playing with you, Ben.
If they don't see any hope, it's over.
Opal, there's only one way
this school has a chance at winning,
and you know he won't play.
That's not an "OP." That's a "BP."
-What?
-That's not an Opal problem.
It's a Ben problem.
Then just fucking say that,
not this OP, BP bullshit.
I did! That's what I said!
That's not what you said.
You said, "This isn't an OP.
This is a BP."
That means nothing to me!
Listen, I'm hipping you to the fact!
I'm telling you,
you oughta know me by now.
When I tell you something,
I mean what I'm saying. That's it!
Well, let me hip you to the fact
that I'm getting this kid to play,
and I'm saving my job.
Coach, for the millionth time,
the answer's no.
Just play on the team, friend.
I'm not your friend.
You're a crazy-ass teacher
with zero boundaries.
You've got a gift, Matty.
Being tall ain't a gift. It sucks, bro.
Being able to fart on command,
that's a gift.
What Jeff Dunham does
with those puppets, that's a gift.
Fuck this, man.
If I wasn't seven feet tall,
you wouldn't even care about me.
Matty, look at me.
I'm begging you.
I am in the position of submission.
Your dick is in my face.
This is how low I am.
Then move.
Matty, if I lose, I'm fired.
But if I start winning,
I get a college gig,
and then the pros start calling.
And then the next thing you know,
I'm coaching the Chicago Bulls,
and I got an infinity pool.
I mean, if I had an infinity pool,
whoa, everybody would be sucking
so many of my dicks.
You gotta tighten it up, dog.
I'm just a 16-year-old kid.
You can't be talking to me
about dicks getting sucked.
Please, Matty! If you join the team,
you'll get to be part of something
that is bigger than yourself.
Lame sauce.
I wasn't finished.
You'll also get an iPad, first-generation.
It's got a small crack in the screen,
but I've downloaded Little Man Tate to it,
which, if you haven't seen,
is a very heartwarming film.
I'm seven feet tall, man.
I'm not interested
in "little man" anything.
All right. I didn't want to do this,
but you're forcing my hand.
I've got something in my back pocket
I'm gonna offer to you.
It's pussy, Matty.
You have a vagina in your back pocket?
No, I don't have a vagina
in my back pocket.
What I'm saying to you is
I'm gonna get you laid, Matty.
Are you serious?
You're a 16-year-old kid.
Don't tell me sex
isn't the only thing you think about
'cause I know you'd be lying.
Look, if you penetrate a woman before
Saturday, will you play in the game?
I mean... I... Well...
Say no more, you little pervert!
I will get it done!
I would have made it if not for you, Ron,
you bad luck charm.
But thanks for coming. I need your help.
I gotta get this Matty kid laid ASAP
so he'll play on the team.
As long as we're talking about
inappropriate things,
you can't be texting my girlfriend,
"You up?" every night.
I knew she was up.
Listen, Shannon's my wife.
I can text her whenever I want.
No, Shannon's your ex-wife.
Not yet, she isn't.
I haven't signed the divorce papers.
And if I'm honest, I'm not sure I'm gonna.
Ron, you're my assistant coach,
and I've been very cool
about you dating my wife,
so I'd appreciate it if you were cool
about me texting her
when I'm up lonely on sleeping pills.
Yeah.
You know, I guess you are being cool.
No wonder we're best friends.
I'm sure you'll move on
from my girlfriend eventually, right?
I doubt it. Whatever.
Keep fucking my wife, Ron.
[coughing]
Oh, good. You're listening.
Ladies, would any of you date Matty?
Ugh! You couldn't pay me
to go out with Billy Bob Thyroid.
What?
Roxanne, you're saying you literally
wouldn't date Matty, even if I paid you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
He's just playing around. [chuckles]
Coach, you can't pay someone
to date Matty.
I didn't bring up pay. She did!
[sighs]
Holy shit! That's it!
Ron, cover my class.
First your wife, now your class?
I'm doing everything for you.
So you pay me to fuck this Matty kid,
and you get an infinity pool?
Ben, I'm a hooker, not an idiot.
Essentially, yes.
You're skipping the part
about all my dicks being sucked,
but you seem
to have a handle on it, Connie.
OK. Anyway, it's $500 for penetration,
but I can give him a blower for 250.
You're telling me that fucking
is twice as much as a blow job?
Fucking?
Most of the time, with fucking,
you just gotta lay there.
It's the blow job
you do all your heavy lifting.
If I'm you, I combine the two things.
Fucking is twice as much as a blow job!
Connie, I say this
as one of your oldest friends.
That doesn't make any sense,
and also, from the guy's point of view,
fucking isn't twice as good as a blow job.
Me personally, I don't like fucking.
It's exhausting.
A blow job, sure.
But fucking? No way! [laughs]
This whole pricing system
is a goddamn mess.
You're sittin' there,
you're sucking all those fucking dicks,
fucking these guys.
You gotta suck four dicks for two fucks.
Honey, your numbers don't add up.
Your neck is gonna fall off
from sucking all those dicks.
My mouth and cooter are like CarMax:
no negotiating and close to the airport.
Listen, let's cut the shit.
I got $85 to my name.
To my name, Connie.
Eighty-five bucks gets you a knee job.
That's over the pants.
I just kind of rub my knee around on it.
I promised this kid insertion.
Insertion for 85 bucks? [laughs]
I wouldn't let him insert a tampon
for 85 bucks.
OK, look.
I'm gonna throw in a sweetener.
It's an iPad, first-generation,
which I'm sure you don't know anything
about technology, that's nice.
It does have a little crack on the screen,
but who cares?
You ever seen the movie Little Man Tate?
It's fucking so good. You'll go nuts.
Five hundred dollars, Ben. No negotiation.
All right, fine.
Put a squirt emoji in your iCal.
You're having sex with a teenager tonight.
I'm telling you,
if we don't do well Saturday,
Coach is gonna get fired.
It's all over the school.
If he gets fired,
they're gonna get a real coach,
and there's no way
a real coach will let me play on the team.
Look at me.
I've got titties, for Chrissake.
And I've got rabies.
I'll bet a real coach would test for that,
then I'm fucking fucked.
And he's probably gonna be a stickler
for knowing how to play basketball,
which, honestly, is really not my thing.
Yeah, none of us would be on this team
without Coach.
Well, I'd probably still be on the team
since I get almost all of our points.
Coach brought us all together.
You guys are like family,
except we don't date each other.
Hell, I'll do anything
to keep this group together.
-Me too.
-We've gotta save him.
[rock music playing]
[camera shutter clicks]
Ben, I'm worried about you.
You're worried about me?
I'm worried about me.
I only have $85 to my name, Dad,
and I need another $415,
and I need it now, or I'm done.
I came from your nut.
I lived inside your balls.
I shot out your dick.
Four hundred and fifteen bucks
and we call our relationship even, square.
Come on. Help a coach out.
I'd love to help a coach out,
but I don't see one here.
[laughing]
Look, they say winning isn't everything,
but that's just to make
failures like you feel better.
How about some
three-point bourbon shots on the house?
[chuckles]
Just make sure you tag the restaurant.
Please, I need the money, Dad.
Son, if I gave you money
whenever you asked for it,
I'd be as poor as you.
Is that what you want for your dad?
Look, I told you.
I'll pay for graduate school.
You can study business
and help out here at the restaurant.
Restaurant school, huh?
So I can serve overpriced slop
to your aging fans?
I have bigger dreams than that.
Oh, shit, Ben. I've heard your dreams.
Even if you did have multiple dicks,
no one's gonna suck them
more than one at a time.
You know what? I'm not gonna do this.
Not here. Not in my restaurant.
This is a classy family restaurant,
you dickhead.
If you're not gonna give me the money,
then I'm gonna go to my wife and beg her.
Ex-wife!
And leave that poor woman alone,
all right? She's been through enough.
[horse brays]
Oh, Shannon, you should see
these two horses fuck each other.
It reminds me of our first date
when we watched
those horses fucking each other.
That was so funny.
You know what was funny?
I pretended your dick wasn't tiny
our entire marriage.
[laughs]
Oh, that was fun.
Look, until I sign the divorce papers,
you're still my wife,
and you're dating my best friend.
I think it's pretty awesome
that I'm cool with that.
I don't give a fuck what you're cool with.
That's why I left you, loser.
Shannon, honey, look at me.
I'm a desperate man.
I need $415 today,
or I lose my job
and everything I've ever worked for.
Help me out, please!
Being a basketball coach
is all I've ever dreamed of.
Actually, know what this reminds me of?
If you say the words, "Little Man Tate,"
I swear to God...
You remember how Little Man Tate
tripped on his own feet a bunch of times
before you realize his gift
of just being a little man
stuck in a Tate's body?
Ben, I'm not giving you any money.
We are not getting back together,
and I hate to break it to you,
but Little Man Tate sucks.
Thanks, Scott. There's a lot here.
This really helps.
We don't want you to lose your job, Coach.
We love this team.
Scott, I don't know what to say.
Next! Who else has got money for Coach?
Here, Coach. This is my monthly stipend
for Weight Watchers.
You have a stipend for Weight Watchers?
I thought it was just a meal plan.
Oh, Coach. It's so much more than that.
They moved away from points,
and it's been transformative.
Look, I'll tell you what I told
the only woman I ever loved.
"You are beautiful just how you are,
and you don't need bigger titties."
Thanks, Coach.
Here you go, Coach.
I stole this from my little brother.
You could pawn it.
Probably get a hundred bucks.
Thank you, Timebomb. This is great.
When your little brother learns to talk,
tell him, "Thanks."
This is all my bar mitzvah money, Coach.
I want you to have it.
Thanks, Isaac. Although you know what?
I deserve this money
for sitting through that fucking thing.
Shit music.
Horrible food.
Silly hats.
I did like the chair thing though.
Oh, and by the way,
didn't they say at the end of that thing
you'd become a man?
When the fuck is that gonna happen?
Technically, it has happened.
My parents give me 20 bucks
every time I get an "A,"
and I've invested wisely in Bitcoin.
Well, thankfully,
if you include the firearm,
I already have the $415 here,
so we don't need your space money.
Great. I'll just hold on to it
until the global economy
inevitably collapses.
So you got the money!
Everything's gonna work out, right?
[Ben] This is not where I wanted to be
at this stage in my life.
Offering illegal sex to an underage kid
to help my career.
I had so many plans.
I wanna walk in a room
and have people know who I am.
I wanna turn heads.
I'm sick of being anonymous!
[Connie] Great speech, Ben.
-[bones crack]
-How tall do you say this kid is?
Seven feet.
You might want to stretch.
[doorbell chimes]
Coach! Oh, great. He knows where I live.
Dog, you gotta stop creeping on me.
I told you I don't wanna play basketball.
[Connie] Yo!
Am I fucking this kid or not?
As you can see,
I've kept my end of the bargain.
Who is that?
Connie. She's a woman of the night.
She's not a ten but a solid six.
Five maybe. Four at the worst.
But what are you? A three?
You should be so fucking lucky.
Here, I got you some Magnums.
You're a tall son of a bitch,
so even if you've
got a below-average schlong,
I'm betting it's still pretty big.
Now me, I was supposed to be tall,
but my mom's short.
My dad's got a python,
but unfortunately, I got my mom's dick.
Do you know you're talking out loud?
Yeah, Matty. It's called recruiting.
Coach, seriously, you gotta stop.
No, I'll never stop, Matty,
because we need you on this team, kid.
And I'm here for you.
And that's what being a coach
is all about.
So you wanna pork this chick or what?
How about an HJ?
Her pricing's crazy.
I can get you a really good deal.
-Coach, I don't think that's gonna happen.
-Why not? I got her right here.
Oh, shit! Connie, don't tell 'em nothing!
I didn't. All I told 'em was you gave me
500 bucks to have sex with a kid.
That's everything!
You'll regret this, buddy.
My dad owns a restaurant.
[man] Good luck on Saturday, Coach.
I'm so grateful
that nobody fucked me in there!
Sure, my ego's hurt a little,
but nonetheless, thank you, God.
Shan, whatever you're gonna say,
I deserve it.
This is the lowest of the low.
The lowest I've been since that time
nobody tried to butt-fuck me in prison
a couple of hours ago.
I'm gonna lose my job, Shannon,
and it's all my fault.
I can't believe I spent the team's money
on a prostitute for Matty.
You had those kids
buy another kid a prostitute?
Jesus Christ, Shannon!
Are you even listening to me?
I didn't have kids buy a prostitute.
I bought the prostitute for a kid
with money from other kids.
You're a pervert.
If you could sing or act,
they'd make documentaries about you.
Shan, I'm pouring my heart out here.
I can't even talk to you anymore.
You focus on all the wrong shit.
My dream just died.
I have nothing... except for you.
[Shannon] No!
You have nothing.
[sniffles]
-Can I help you, sir?
-Yeah.
Do you have something
for a man whose dreams just died,
and now he's got to work at his dad's
boring-ass basketball-themed steakhouse
for the rest of his life?
Usually, the "I hate my dad" clothes
are for women,
but I'm sure we can find something.
Follow me!
[electronic music playing inside]
You know, I should at least
say goodbye to the guys.
Where the heck have you been?
The game's about to start.
The school board is getting antsy.
I assumed I was fired.
I couldn't get Matty to play,
and I was arrested for gettin' a hooker.
You got arrested?
Uh... If you didn't hear about it,
then, uh, no, I didn't get arrested.
Well, listen, Ben.
I tried everything I could,
but I think it would be best
if you just put your resignation letter
on my desk by tomorrow...
is what I would be saying
if you didn't get Matty.
Wait. What are you talking about?
I'm saying you got Matty.
Was that not clear?
I'm trying to be more fun.
He's right over there.
Holy shit!
[both chuckling]
Opal, you're right.
That was way more fun!
I like it! I like it. You did a good job!
What the hell are you doing here, friend?
Did Connie throw you a free one?
That's why she's the best.
Heart of gold, that woman.
No, but what you did yesterday
was the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Failing to get you a hooker
was the nicest thing
anyone ever did for you?
Kid, you need better friends.
It just showed
that you really wanted me here.
You know, no one in my entire life
has ever wanted me anywhere.
You know, my dad left when I was--
Boring!
You're here. That's what matters.
Matty, you're part of the team now,
and we take care of each other here.
I'm always gonna be there for ya.
Now, are we just gonna stand here
and jerk each other off,
or are we gonna get out there
and play some Colt basketball?
[dramatic music playing]
[whistle blows]
-Time-out! Did you see that?
-[whistle blows]
We won the tip.
We won the fucking tip!
We haven't won a tip in eight years!
It's a new day in Lenwood, you fuckers!
Yeah. [laughing]
You motherfuckers thought
I couldn't do it.
But the great Coach Hopkins
proved you wrong.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
Right.
No one can take this moment away from me.
The fucking tip, motherfuckers,
with a seven-foot fucking giant.
You're outta here!
Whatever you want.
I don't care, Greg.
Usually, that'd make me go nuts,
but you're looking
at a whole new Coach Hopkins.
I got my player. I got my job.
I'm about to get my beautiful wife back.
And my dad?
He can go fuck his restaurant
with all my dicks.
I'm sorry I let you down, Coach.
Let me down?
We only lost by 16 points thanks to you.
I can't remember
the last time we got that close.
The school board saw some real progress.
Well, I guess I didn't hate it
as much as I thought.
Plus, it was pretty exciting
when that cheerleader gave birth.
It sure was, wasn't it?
The magic of basketball.
Coach, I... I gotta say
this feels like a family here, you know?
And I need that because...
after my dad left,
my mom had to work some crazy--
Boring!
Sorry, the story was just really boring.
No, I get it. It was...
It was pretty boring. You're right.
Matty, come here, you tall, lanky weirdo.
I gotta say, I think this is
the beginning of a beautiful friendship,
and that right there
is a quote from Little Man Tate.
I think.
[Ben] It didn't download properly.
I never got to see the whole movie.
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon 'cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪