Home for Christmas (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Heavy Dating/Seriøs dating - full transcript
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
DECEMBER 3RD
- Thanks for coming to see it with me.
- Don't mention it.
- It's crazy how much I love that movie!
- [sighs]
I can't figure out for the life of me
how that movie ended up
becoming such a cult classic.
I can't...
I'm pretty sure it's a scientific fact
that everyone likes Love Actually!
Honestly, you could see more impressive
piles of horseshit on any horse farm.
["We Wish You A Merry Christmas" playing]
You're kind of being super closed-minded.
I'd say, he isn't entirely incorrect.
There are some logical flaws
in that storyline.
I cherish it more than my family!
One thing is how unrealistic it is.
Like, where do I even begin?
Look at the female characters.
It screams of patriarchal gender norms.
You have a bunch of women,
written as pathetic husks of human flesh,
just waiting for a man to enter their life
and give them motivation
or a reason to speak.
It's completely primeval
and, honestly, absurd.
But then you have the screenwriter guy
who owns a country house in Portugal.
[man laughs]
He randomly travels down there
and falls in love with this cleaning lady
who, as it so happens,
doesn't speak a goddamn lick of English.
The writers are, like,
"How can we make this love story work?
I know! Hire a hot actress."
The character is as poor
as she is attractive, but don't worry,
he's somehow rich,
even though he's a writer.
So, he begins learning Portuguese
using some kind of audiobook, right?
And in the space of two or three days,
he ends up fluent in her native language.
It's a Christmas miracle!
He'll just win her hand in marriage
by saying "I love you" in Portuguese.
Yeah, because that would totally happen!
[sighs] I always cry
when I watch that scene.
[man] What for?
Because he doesn't go for the fat sister?
Your problem is you don't
really give people a chance.
You have to learn to say yes.
Yes!
- No, but...
- Not "no, but."
- "Yes, but..."
- OK, but let me finish the story.
Come on! I mean...
Purchasing jewelry for a co-worker
does not equate to having an affair.
- It's a rom-com. Don't overthink it.
- Yeah, OK.
- Want an apple?
- No, thank you.
Two apples.
And that guy Huge Grant... In what world
would a clown like that be Prime Minister?
So, he has a chauffeur, right, who
has to drive this jerk around at night,
looking for a random street,
where they just start knocking on doors?
Oh, really?
The Head of State? Yeah, right!
And then, instead of telling the truth,
Huge starts singing Christmas carols...
- Hugh.
- Hmm?
- He's called Hugh. Grant.
- The chauffeur... Yeah.
Huge's chauffeur, out of nowhere,
starts randomly singing with that whole
classically-trained, opera-type voice.
Uh-uh.
Sorry, it's not my cup of tea.
I like my films more cinema vérité.
You can just Venmo me
the money for that later.
He said that?
- Like, for the apple on a stick?
- Yes!
That's a fucking good one.
Man!
OK, give me your phone.
Why?
We're going to pimp
your love life situation here.
I'd rather you not.
- Got it.
- Right. It's not going to work.
How about you get off your ass
and be more proactive,
not so reactive?
Even Cinderella was proactive.
Well, when I think about it,
she was kind of passive,
like, when that prince
was looking for her.
I want that part of the movie
to die in a fire,
but, when that shoe fits,
I cry like a little bitch.
Are you sure you're not a gay man inside?
Hmm? So, what do you want?
Women, men, her, they, it, what?
- Huh?
- Huh?
- [Johanne] What?
- What? I have no idea what you like.
Don't blame me. You've been celibate
since I moved in here.
Men!
OK. Men.
- [Johanne] Yeah.
- How old?
- Give or take two or three years.
- That's way too limiting. I'll put seven.
Huh? No, I mean it.
No more than two years younger.
- Two!
- Look here. Smile!
Perfect!
- You weren't just playing?
- It's fine. You look totally bangable.
Now I've upgraded your account.
Want more of this?
Yeah. Thanks.
[Johanne's friend hums]
[friend sings]
♪ I want you for Christmas ♪
What's in your sprinkle concoction?
There is chocolate, chili, caramel,
thyme, coffee grounds and truffle.
- You're kidding, right?
- I kid you not.
Yeah!
Called that shit!
You're totally a dude magnet.
What are you talking about?
You've already had ten hits
in half a minute!
- Let me see! Let me see.
- [laughs]
No way!
He's alright.
Wow, wait. "I'm taller than you'd assume."
What is that?
Girl! If this seemingly cute and totally
down-to-earth plumber from Grorud,
who claims to be even taller
than you'd assume, isn't for you,
then you're beyond help,
from me, the universe, the whole shebang.
OK?
And also, a plumber from Grorud?
Sounds like a Harlequin romance.
Plus it's practical:
he can do our bathroom renovations.
So, I date a short plumber guy for what?
A makeover?
Mm-hmm, exactly.
And it says he wants to meet you
at an escape room.
That's romantic AF.
DECEMBER 4TH
[employee] Finally.
Dear mafia brothers, mafia sisters,
welcome to Brooklyn, the year 1952.
Welcome to Chris Donovan's home.
Welcome to the great Christmas mystery.
- Have you done escape rooms before?
- Yeah!
No, I actually haven't.
Here's how it works:
you'll get locked into this room here.
The objective is to look for clues
and solve puzzles
so you can make your way
into the holy room right there.
That's where you'll find the big
Christmas Mystery you'll be solving today.
- Yeah!
- Use your creativity.
- Combine your senses and work together.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Your Santa hats -
here's one for you and one for you.
Beautiful.
When the door closes,
I'll start the clock.
And remember...
you never saw me!
[Johanne] OK.
[smooth jazz music plays]
I've got to say,
I think that escalated pretty quickly.
- [Johanne gasps]
- [plumber] Bitch!
How about that,
you jolly-ass motherfucker? Huh?
[plumber sighs]
- Did that guy really ban me for two years?
- Hmm.
- [plumber grunts]
- [Johanne yelps]
He didn't mean it, do you think?
Because, like...
- He totally did.
- Fuck! That sucks my ass.
I'm just really into escape rooms,
if you can't tell.
- So, like, you and I are...
- No.
- Right? You can feel it, too?
- Yeah, no.
This is fucking rad!
The most awesome date ever, hands down!
OK.
You feel it?
- This sort of...
- Yeah.
That's good. Intellectually, you and I...
We're in such different places.
I thought that I'd just get it out there,
so we can move on and let it go.
[Johanne] Hmm.
Because you are a good woman,
and don't you forget that.
Got it.
I was just thinking, if we're going
to be having discussions in the future,
there would be a problem
if we pretend like...
Wait, stop talking right now.
Do you know what the real problem is?
That I didn't have the self-respect
to just peace out
when you went bananas
and beat the snot out of Santa!
I want a guy who's nice and not crazy,
but obviously that's too much to ask.
I'm so tired of men.
I'm losing my fucking mind!
[plumber] But you're the one screaming
and leaving. That's not very nice.
- [Thomas] Johanne?
- [plumber] Hey!
Help me!
- Help.
- Bad day?
More like bad date.
[plumber] Girls want a nice guy,
but when a nice guy...
- Is he gone?
- He's just kind of standing there.
Why is he standing there?
Is everything alright?
I was just banned for two years
from my favorite escape room.
[Thomas] Oh.
Yeah, about that... Let's not.
- You were just leaving, weren't you?
- Was I?
Yeah.
[Thomas whispers] Yeah.
Yeah.
Call it a day.
How is that dude not your prince charming?
I don't understand anything.
I've been on so many dates,
and these guys talk at and over me.
They don't listen at all.
And I have a lot to say,
if they would just let me
get two words into the conversation,
but they don't want to hear my thoughts.
And I don't get why they would even bother
dating me if they're not interested in...
well, me.
- I get it.
- Yeah?
Why don't you come in
and spill the tea, as they say?
- I could throw in a free drink.
- Well...
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Hi. Hello!
- [Johanne's friend] Hi!
- [Johanne] Gosh.
- Hey.
Hey.
Some last-minute Christmas gift shopping?
How about that? I... You figured me out.
Doing it before Christmas Eve
means I'm not running around
like a chicken with its head cut off.
- So, are you back to crocheting this year?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Last Christmas, she made presents for us.
Trym adores those ponchos.
He puts them on the kids all the time.
Oh, that's so sweet.
- Well, then...
- Time to get back to the grind, or...
- Right.
- [Thomas] Do you guys want a drink?
To warm up? Why not?
- Yes.
- Listen to your girlfriend.
Yeah, well, actually, I have to work.
Right.
I get it.
- OK, have fun. See you.
- OK, girl.
- Bye.
- See you around.
[chattering]
- [shrieks] Hey!
- [Johanne yelps]
[Johanne gasps] Oh, my God!
[laughs] Just look at your face!
[exhales]
Are you trying to kill me now?
Yeah.
What a lovely thought!
How are we today?
One foot in the grave.
But that's what gives life such suspense.
At any moment, I could keel over.
The same with cigarettes -
any one of them
could be my last in this life,
and that's why they taste extra good!
But, anyway,
how did it go with your little date?
[sighs]
Yeah...
All my dates have been
a bouquet of flowers dipped in shit.
- Is that a local expression?
- Hmm? Shit?
Stop it!
What am I going to do with you, huh?
How about you don't be so quick
to judge all these poor men?
What do you mean by that?
I mean, dummy,
you need to give them a chance.
Or two. Or three thousand.
[Trine laughs]
That's how I managed to have so much game.
But aren't you, like, the three
or four-time divorce hall of famer?
[Trine] Sure, sure.
But I can't help the fact that
my milkshake brings them to my yard.
- I can imagine.
- [Trine] Yeah.
Become more like me
and you'll be a magnet to men.
How about you give me some Trine lessons?
Becoming me isn't something you can learn.
You've either got it, or you don't.
- OK.
- I mean, take a look at you.
- Yeah, what about me?
- Start with that unflattering uniform.
- Where are your girls?
- My girls?
- Yeah.
- [Johanne] Here.
They're not super giant,
but they feel nice.
Put them where I can see.
- Boom!
- Ha! That's what I'm talking about.
- Nice.
- Yeah?
Johanne, give me trouble. Sassy! Go!
And the neck... See, that's good stuff.
More of that, please. Yes!
- Atta girl! [barks]
- OK.
Show me. Up!
- You've got it.
- [laughs]
[mischievous music plays]
[child laughs]
[applause]
Hey! Foosky. Foosky?
[laughter]
Enjoying the entertainment?
- Because hospitals are fun and games.
- Sorry.
I have you in 137. Bengt-Erik Løvskog.
- Atrial fibrillation.
- [Johanne] Løvskog?
As in the politician lobbying
to streamline healthcare?
[head nurse] The one and only, yes.
[chattering]
- Hey.
- [Bengt-Erik] Hello.
How are you doing today?
Good, but I've felt better.
Fair.
- Your heart looks fine.
- Hmm, really?
Anyway, my name is Johanne
and I'll be taking care of you.
And you would be
the politician Bengt-Erik Løvskog.
Guilty! Can you do me a favor?
Yes, of course.
I've been stuck breathing in
this depressing hospital air.
[Johanne] Uh-huh.
Could you sneak me outside
for some fresh air?
Now?
I've got to be in the great outdoors.
Yeah, well,
your vital signs look pretty good...
so that's fine.
Woohoo.
[Bengt-Erik inhales deeply]
- [Bengt-Erik] Damn, that feels good!
- [Johanne] Hmm.
[Bengt-Erik exhales]
[Bengt-Erik coughs]
Tied the knot?
No. Have you?
But she passed.
I took my wife to the movies
when I first asked her out.
- Yeah?
- If you think about it...
Compared to you,
that film would be ancient now.
You weren't even born then.
I don't know know.
I might be older than you think.
Hit me with it.
- I'm thirty.
- I don't believe it.
Just got your learner's permit?
[both chuckle]
- How long has she been gone?
- [Bengt-Erik] Fifteen years.
Cancer.
But I've had other women since, trust me.
[Johanne] I don't doubt it.
This is clearly not a busy shift, huh?
It's quite an adventure
following you around today.
It's been truly eye-opening.
- I guess playtime is over?
- Yes, sir.
Johanne here
enjoys giving patients
the full service experience:
the unapproved walks and strolls,
and things that could get her in hot water
with hospital management,
but most importantly, me,
not that that seems to matter much.
It's been interesting
to see your priorities, Johanne.
Good times.
What do you mean, "dangerous"?
Don't give up
because escape room guy lost it.
Easy for you to say. The dude followed me.
I've been giving it a lot of thought,
and it's like house hunting, you know?
You need to look around, go to viewings...
You never buy the first place you see.
You place some bids here and there,
you lose a few, and then... bam!
There's your dream home.
But you may have to look for six months
before you find it.
Put yourself back out there.
- I'm telling you, it's dangerous.
- Sure, OK.
Escape room plumber guy
was literally crazy.
Nah, we just need a guy
who's a bit sportier.
- [Johanne sighs]
- What?
Except I'm not sporty.
You're way sportier than me.
Like this guy...
Athletic dreamboat. Stein.
Look.
- Not bad!
- [friend] Right?
What are you doing?
Sent.
- What did you just send?
- Meet me tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.
[hums excitedly]
- What are you looking at?
- Fuck.
Sporty Stein!
[Johanne groans]
[electronic music playing]
DECEMBER 5TH
[Stein grunts]
[Stein grunting]
Just trying to warm up my triceps.
So I see.
- [Johanne laughs nervously]
- Got it?
Yeah, I think.
- Here. Let's just...
- [Johanne] Oh!
And this guy here...
- It's alright that I'm...?
- Mm-hmm. Oh, sorry!
- I don't...
- [Stein] One sec.
There you go.
[Stein grunts]
- You all set?
- [Johanne] Mm-hmm.
[Stein] Let's do it.
- So, like this?
- [Stein] Mm-hmm.
Like that, yeah.
[both laugh]
If you enjoy spinning,
I can get you some bike shoes,
so you can train this part here.
[laughs] This old thing?
- Sorry for the touch.
- No, it's fine.
It's cool of you to try this out.
Well, I'm sporty, so...
I get so nervous on a first date.
Staring at each other over coffee,
or in a dark movie theater.
Tell me about it. I am so
goddamn over film dates, believe me.
- Yeah?
- [Johanne] Hmm.
A nurse, huh?
Yeah.
That's fantastic.
You guys keep our society running.
Well, you and teachers.
- That's sweet. Thanks a lot.
- [Stein] I mean it.
- [Johanne yelps]
- Oh! Hey!
- Are you OK?
- [Johanne] I think.
[Johanne laughs]
I'll be fine.
- Sorry.
- Are you alright?
[both laugh]
- Is your crotch broken?
- [Johanne laughs]
- Yeah.
- Let me help you back up.
How did I do that?
- Thanks for saving my crotch.
- [Stein] No need to thank me.
It's fun playing the hero.
[Johanne] Yeah.
Oh...
There.
- OK?
- [Johanne] OK.
Let's go!
[electronic music continues]
[Stein] Thanks for the spin date.
Oh, yeah.
Right back at you, man.
Are you on the mend with...?
- My crotch?
- Mm-hmm.
[both laugh]
Yeah, she's doing better.
Do you have plans tomorrow?
No.
- [Stein] OK.
- Wait, hold on. I've got...
In the afternoon,
I've got to be at the hospital.
Let's go skiing in the morning.
Call me if you have time.
- OK. I will.
- [Stein] OK?
- See you.
- Alright, bye.
[slow romantic music plays]
DECEMBER 6TH
[Johanne] Come on.
No!
[both laugh]
Ready?
Yep.
Let's go!
[Johanne panting]
[grunts] Damnit!
[panting]
How's it going in second place?
[Stein] Come on!
Looking good!
If you press down hard with your foot,
you'll get a better grip
and center of gravity.
[Johanne continues panting]
Whoo!
Wet conditions today.
You should get ski skins.
- [Johanne chuckles]
- No, they're good.
OK, let's go!
[Johanne groans]
[Johanne] Fuck.
[panting]
Hi there!
- Whoo!
- [Johanne sighs]
Don't forget what I said.
A better center of gravity like this...
Yeah, I didn't forget.
You don't need to talk to me
like I'm a kindergarten student.
- I'm not three.
- I'm just trying to give you some tips.
- Thanks.
- [Stein] OK?
- Yes.
- Let's go!
Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
Yeah...
Whoo!
You really fell behind there.
You should have added
some extra wax to your skis.
Yes, exactly.
That's the problem. Thanks, Stein.
I was hoping we'd ski together,
not with you a million miles ahead,
egging me on from the top.
And as soon as I reach it,
you keep making me chase you.
I thought it was kind of flirty.
It's not romantic to embarrass me.
Oh, fuck!
I need to be at work in 20 minutes.
I can give you a ride. Come on.
I have heated seats and everything.
No, thanks. It will be fine.
It's only a couple stops anyway, so yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Let's do something next week.
Something that doesn't raise your pulse.
I have a lot of shifts I'm picking up.
Like, tons of broken bones, diseases,
people overtraining and worse.
So, I'm going to need to go.
I'm super late,
but it was nice seeing you.
- OK, bye!
- [Stein] OK...
How about the week after next?
[upbeat music plays]
[grunts]
Well, what an interesting time
to arrive at work.
And did you ski in today?
Yeah, traffic was a bit of a parking...
Right, so you just skied to the office?
You don't think that's a bit ridiculous?
Yes. No. I mean, no, I think, but...
- Whatever you find amusing.
- Thanks.
Oh, hi!
Oh, God.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're a skier?
Yep...
What's going on here?
Oh, I'm just going to kill myself!
So, how did it go?
I'm so fucking over this.
I'm never going
on another date again, I swear.
I don't understand why people do this.
I'm anti-dating now!
I just want to meet and have a chat.
It doesn't even need to be good.
I'm fed up with some dumb hipster dude
picking apart
my favorite movie of all time
while I accidentally stand
in piles of reindeer shit.
I don't want to ski Holmenkollmarsjen
until my toes fall off
and there's rug burn up in my fanny.
Sorry for the imagery.
And I definitely don't want
to be locked in an escape room
with some insane little person,
while I count down
the minutes to eternity.
[Johanne sighs]
Girl, I feel you. But we have
a lot of dying patients to get to, so...
- Huh. There's that.
- Can you check Mrs. Nergaard first?
- Yeah. OK.
- Yep.
Come on, you stupid piece of...
Stay there.
OK.
Jesus H Christ! Are you kidding me?
Not today, Satan!
I'll send you back to hell
where you belong!
["Years" by Astrid S playing]
♪ When you meet someone who has someone ♪
♪ Is it your fault if you fall in love? ♪
♪ When you know
That you could hurt someone ♪
♪ Is it your fault if you get involved? ♪
♪ Tried to stay away... ♪
[Johanne] Come on.
♪ But no one gets to me like you ♪
♪ I got everything to lose ♪
♪ Yeah, I know ♪
♪ It's a mistake
And my heart's gonna break ♪
♪ It'll probably take me years
To get over ♪
♪ Even the hurt, yeah ♪
♪ I know that it's worth
All the years it'll take ♪
♪ For me to get over you, you ♪
♪ Years to get over you, you ♪
♪ When you meet someone and have someone ♪
♪ And you're falling in and out of love ♪
♪ And when you're close to giving up ♪
♪ Just to give in to another touch ♪
♪ You'll be coming home to me ♪
♪ Sleeping where you shouldn't be ♪
Check this out. You're the dude whisperer!
Where's the age limit? And did you do
that bullshit of swiping right all guys?
Yes, see here!
Behind each dick pic is a guy
with a heart of gold, or at least a guy.
And you have 28 of them to choose from.
Like him. He's real hot.
Jonas.
- If you're into 19-year-olds.
- A grade A fuckboy.
But what do I say?
"Hey, I see you like long walks at sunset,
dubstep and MILFs."
You could maybe open up with hello.
- He's 19.
- You need to take control. Yeah?
If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work,
but at least it's your call, right?
Find your spirit animal. Channel it.
Are you serious?
- OK.
- Channel it.
- Harness your inner tiger. He's 19.
- Really?
You totally have more experience.
That remains to be seen.
Put on that short-ass,
bitching sparkly dress.
And then the ball will be in your court.
Hopefully, they will be his balls.
- Proactive seduction.
- Exactly.
[hisses]
[growls and snarls]
[Johanne meows]
[both pant like dogs]
[dance music playing]
DECEMBER 7TH
SORRY ABOUT THE SKI TRIP.
COFFEE SOMETIME?
[Jonas] Johanne?
Jonas?
[Jonas] Hey.
Bubbles first, then dancing,
or dancing first and bubbles later?
Bubbly first.
- [Johanne gasps]
- [Jonas cheers]
- My pops. On Pop's card.
- [Johanne laughs]
[dance music playing]
- [in Norwegian] Cheers...
- [in English] Yeah, cheers to Papa.
- [Johanne] No!
- I was two.
- Like, in diapers? It's hard to hear.
- I don't remember any of it.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit. That's wild.
[Johanne laughs]
["Strangers" by Sigrid playing]
♪ Our story's after the end
Like strangers ♪
♪ Perfect pretenders ♪
♪ We're falling head over heels
For something that ain't real ♪
♪ It could never be us ♪
[panting]
- Are your parents coming home?
- No, they're in Stockholm.
OK. OK.
[Johanne grunts]
[Johanne laughs]
[pants] Oh, I'm going to come.
[both groaning]
Uh!
[Johanne] Holy shit!
[groaning]
[Johanne screams]
[Johanne] Is this real?
[Johanne laughs]
[both grunting]
Wait, not so hard. Not so hard.
- [Jonas] OK.
- [sighs] OK.
A little harder than that.
Oh, yeah.
I'm coming.
[groaning]
[Johanne laughs]
[Johanne gasps]
[Johanne laughing]
[laughs] OK.
[groaning]
[Jonas sighs]
[Jonas sighs]
[Johanne] Oh, my God...
["Years" by Astrid S playing]
DECEMBER 3RD
- Thanks for coming to see it with me.
- Don't mention it.
- It's crazy how much I love that movie!
- [sighs]
I can't figure out for the life of me
how that movie ended up
becoming such a cult classic.
I can't...
I'm pretty sure it's a scientific fact
that everyone likes Love Actually!
Honestly, you could see more impressive
piles of horseshit on any horse farm.
["We Wish You A Merry Christmas" playing]
You're kind of being super closed-minded.
I'd say, he isn't entirely incorrect.
There are some logical flaws
in that storyline.
I cherish it more than my family!
One thing is how unrealistic it is.
Like, where do I even begin?
Look at the female characters.
It screams of patriarchal gender norms.
You have a bunch of women,
written as pathetic husks of human flesh,
just waiting for a man to enter their life
and give them motivation
or a reason to speak.
It's completely primeval
and, honestly, absurd.
But then you have the screenwriter guy
who owns a country house in Portugal.
[man laughs]
He randomly travels down there
and falls in love with this cleaning lady
who, as it so happens,
doesn't speak a goddamn lick of English.
The writers are, like,
"How can we make this love story work?
I know! Hire a hot actress."
The character is as poor
as she is attractive, but don't worry,
he's somehow rich,
even though he's a writer.
So, he begins learning Portuguese
using some kind of audiobook, right?
And in the space of two or three days,
he ends up fluent in her native language.
It's a Christmas miracle!
He'll just win her hand in marriage
by saying "I love you" in Portuguese.
Yeah, because that would totally happen!
[sighs] I always cry
when I watch that scene.
[man] What for?
Because he doesn't go for the fat sister?
Your problem is you don't
really give people a chance.
You have to learn to say yes.
Yes!
- No, but...
- Not "no, but."
- "Yes, but..."
- OK, but let me finish the story.
Come on! I mean...
Purchasing jewelry for a co-worker
does not equate to having an affair.
- It's a rom-com. Don't overthink it.
- Yeah, OK.
- Want an apple?
- No, thank you.
Two apples.
And that guy Huge Grant... In what world
would a clown like that be Prime Minister?
So, he has a chauffeur, right, who
has to drive this jerk around at night,
looking for a random street,
where they just start knocking on doors?
Oh, really?
The Head of State? Yeah, right!
And then, instead of telling the truth,
Huge starts singing Christmas carols...
- Hugh.
- Hmm?
- He's called Hugh. Grant.
- The chauffeur... Yeah.
Huge's chauffeur, out of nowhere,
starts randomly singing with that whole
classically-trained, opera-type voice.
Uh-uh.
Sorry, it's not my cup of tea.
I like my films more cinema vérité.
You can just Venmo me
the money for that later.
He said that?
- Like, for the apple on a stick?
- Yes!
That's a fucking good one.
Man!
OK, give me your phone.
Why?
We're going to pimp
your love life situation here.
I'd rather you not.
- Got it.
- Right. It's not going to work.
How about you get off your ass
and be more proactive,
not so reactive?
Even Cinderella was proactive.
Well, when I think about it,
she was kind of passive,
like, when that prince
was looking for her.
I want that part of the movie
to die in a fire,
but, when that shoe fits,
I cry like a little bitch.
Are you sure you're not a gay man inside?
Hmm? So, what do you want?
Women, men, her, they, it, what?
- Huh?
- Huh?
- [Johanne] What?
- What? I have no idea what you like.
Don't blame me. You've been celibate
since I moved in here.
Men!
OK. Men.
- [Johanne] Yeah.
- How old?
- Give or take two or three years.
- That's way too limiting. I'll put seven.
Huh? No, I mean it.
No more than two years younger.
- Two!
- Look here. Smile!
Perfect!
- You weren't just playing?
- It's fine. You look totally bangable.
Now I've upgraded your account.
Want more of this?
Yeah. Thanks.
[Johanne's friend hums]
[friend sings]
♪ I want you for Christmas ♪
What's in your sprinkle concoction?
There is chocolate, chili, caramel,
thyme, coffee grounds and truffle.
- You're kidding, right?
- I kid you not.
Yeah!
Called that shit!
You're totally a dude magnet.
What are you talking about?
You've already had ten hits
in half a minute!
- Let me see! Let me see.
- [laughs]
No way!
He's alright.
Wow, wait. "I'm taller than you'd assume."
What is that?
Girl! If this seemingly cute and totally
down-to-earth plumber from Grorud,
who claims to be even taller
than you'd assume, isn't for you,
then you're beyond help,
from me, the universe, the whole shebang.
OK?
And also, a plumber from Grorud?
Sounds like a Harlequin romance.
Plus it's practical:
he can do our bathroom renovations.
So, I date a short plumber guy for what?
A makeover?
Mm-hmm, exactly.
And it says he wants to meet you
at an escape room.
That's romantic AF.
DECEMBER 4TH
[employee] Finally.
Dear mafia brothers, mafia sisters,
welcome to Brooklyn, the year 1952.
Welcome to Chris Donovan's home.
Welcome to the great Christmas mystery.
- Have you done escape rooms before?
- Yeah!
No, I actually haven't.
Here's how it works:
you'll get locked into this room here.
The objective is to look for clues
and solve puzzles
so you can make your way
into the holy room right there.
That's where you'll find the big
Christmas Mystery you'll be solving today.
- Yeah!
- Use your creativity.
- Combine your senses and work together.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Your Santa hats -
here's one for you and one for you.
Beautiful.
When the door closes,
I'll start the clock.
And remember...
you never saw me!
[Johanne] OK.
[smooth jazz music plays]
I've got to say,
I think that escalated pretty quickly.
- [Johanne gasps]
- [plumber] Bitch!
How about that,
you jolly-ass motherfucker? Huh?
[plumber sighs]
- Did that guy really ban me for two years?
- Hmm.
- [plumber grunts]
- [Johanne yelps]
He didn't mean it, do you think?
Because, like...
- He totally did.
- Fuck! That sucks my ass.
I'm just really into escape rooms,
if you can't tell.
- So, like, you and I are...
- No.
- Right? You can feel it, too?
- Yeah, no.
This is fucking rad!
The most awesome date ever, hands down!
OK.
You feel it?
- This sort of...
- Yeah.
That's good. Intellectually, you and I...
We're in such different places.
I thought that I'd just get it out there,
so we can move on and let it go.
[Johanne] Hmm.
Because you are a good woman,
and don't you forget that.
Got it.
I was just thinking, if we're going
to be having discussions in the future,
there would be a problem
if we pretend like...
Wait, stop talking right now.
Do you know what the real problem is?
That I didn't have the self-respect
to just peace out
when you went bananas
and beat the snot out of Santa!
I want a guy who's nice and not crazy,
but obviously that's too much to ask.
I'm so tired of men.
I'm losing my fucking mind!
[plumber] But you're the one screaming
and leaving. That's not very nice.
- [Thomas] Johanne?
- [plumber] Hey!
Help me!
- Help.
- Bad day?
More like bad date.
[plumber] Girls want a nice guy,
but when a nice guy...
- Is he gone?
- He's just kind of standing there.
Why is he standing there?
Is everything alright?
I was just banned for two years
from my favorite escape room.
[Thomas] Oh.
Yeah, about that... Let's not.
- You were just leaving, weren't you?
- Was I?
Yeah.
[Thomas whispers] Yeah.
Yeah.
Call it a day.
How is that dude not your prince charming?
I don't understand anything.
I've been on so many dates,
and these guys talk at and over me.
They don't listen at all.
And I have a lot to say,
if they would just let me
get two words into the conversation,
but they don't want to hear my thoughts.
And I don't get why they would even bother
dating me if they're not interested in...
well, me.
- I get it.
- Yeah?
Why don't you come in
and spill the tea, as they say?
- I could throw in a free drink.
- Well...
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Hi. Hello!
- [Johanne's friend] Hi!
- [Johanne] Gosh.
- Hey.
Hey.
Some last-minute Christmas gift shopping?
How about that? I... You figured me out.
Doing it before Christmas Eve
means I'm not running around
like a chicken with its head cut off.
- So, are you back to crocheting this year?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Last Christmas, she made presents for us.
Trym adores those ponchos.
He puts them on the kids all the time.
Oh, that's so sweet.
- Well, then...
- Time to get back to the grind, or...
- Right.
- [Thomas] Do you guys want a drink?
To warm up? Why not?
- Yes.
- Listen to your girlfriend.
Yeah, well, actually, I have to work.
Right.
I get it.
- OK, have fun. See you.
- OK, girl.
- Bye.
- See you around.
[chattering]
- [shrieks] Hey!
- [Johanne yelps]
[Johanne gasps] Oh, my God!
[laughs] Just look at your face!
[exhales]
Are you trying to kill me now?
Yeah.
What a lovely thought!
How are we today?
One foot in the grave.
But that's what gives life such suspense.
At any moment, I could keel over.
The same with cigarettes -
any one of them
could be my last in this life,
and that's why they taste extra good!
But, anyway,
how did it go with your little date?
[sighs]
Yeah...
All my dates have been
a bouquet of flowers dipped in shit.
- Is that a local expression?
- Hmm? Shit?
Stop it!
What am I going to do with you, huh?
How about you don't be so quick
to judge all these poor men?
What do you mean by that?
I mean, dummy,
you need to give them a chance.
Or two. Or three thousand.
[Trine laughs]
That's how I managed to have so much game.
But aren't you, like, the three
or four-time divorce hall of famer?
[Trine] Sure, sure.
But I can't help the fact that
my milkshake brings them to my yard.
- I can imagine.
- [Trine] Yeah.
Become more like me
and you'll be a magnet to men.
How about you give me some Trine lessons?
Becoming me isn't something you can learn.
You've either got it, or you don't.
- OK.
- I mean, take a look at you.
- Yeah, what about me?
- Start with that unflattering uniform.
- Where are your girls?
- My girls?
- Yeah.
- [Johanne] Here.
They're not super giant,
but they feel nice.
Put them where I can see.
- Boom!
- Ha! That's what I'm talking about.
- Nice.
- Yeah?
Johanne, give me trouble. Sassy! Go!
And the neck... See, that's good stuff.
More of that, please. Yes!
- Atta girl! [barks]
- OK.
Show me. Up!
- You've got it.
- [laughs]
[mischievous music plays]
[child laughs]
[applause]
Hey! Foosky. Foosky?
[laughter]
Enjoying the entertainment?
- Because hospitals are fun and games.
- Sorry.
I have you in 137. Bengt-Erik Løvskog.
- Atrial fibrillation.
- [Johanne] Løvskog?
As in the politician lobbying
to streamline healthcare?
[head nurse] The one and only, yes.
[chattering]
- Hey.
- [Bengt-Erik] Hello.
How are you doing today?
Good, but I've felt better.
Fair.
- Your heart looks fine.
- Hmm, really?
Anyway, my name is Johanne
and I'll be taking care of you.
And you would be
the politician Bengt-Erik Løvskog.
Guilty! Can you do me a favor?
Yes, of course.
I've been stuck breathing in
this depressing hospital air.
[Johanne] Uh-huh.
Could you sneak me outside
for some fresh air?
Now?
I've got to be in the great outdoors.
Yeah, well,
your vital signs look pretty good...
so that's fine.
Woohoo.
[Bengt-Erik inhales deeply]
- [Bengt-Erik] Damn, that feels good!
- [Johanne] Hmm.
[Bengt-Erik exhales]
[Bengt-Erik coughs]
Tied the knot?
No. Have you?
But she passed.
I took my wife to the movies
when I first asked her out.
- Yeah?
- If you think about it...
Compared to you,
that film would be ancient now.
You weren't even born then.
I don't know know.
I might be older than you think.
Hit me with it.
- I'm thirty.
- I don't believe it.
Just got your learner's permit?
[both chuckle]
- How long has she been gone?
- [Bengt-Erik] Fifteen years.
Cancer.
But I've had other women since, trust me.
[Johanne] I don't doubt it.
This is clearly not a busy shift, huh?
It's quite an adventure
following you around today.
It's been truly eye-opening.
- I guess playtime is over?
- Yes, sir.
Johanne here
enjoys giving patients
the full service experience:
the unapproved walks and strolls,
and things that could get her in hot water
with hospital management,
but most importantly, me,
not that that seems to matter much.
It's been interesting
to see your priorities, Johanne.
Good times.
What do you mean, "dangerous"?
Don't give up
because escape room guy lost it.
Easy for you to say. The dude followed me.
I've been giving it a lot of thought,
and it's like house hunting, you know?
You need to look around, go to viewings...
You never buy the first place you see.
You place some bids here and there,
you lose a few, and then... bam!
There's your dream home.
But you may have to look for six months
before you find it.
Put yourself back out there.
- I'm telling you, it's dangerous.
- Sure, OK.
Escape room plumber guy
was literally crazy.
Nah, we just need a guy
who's a bit sportier.
- [Johanne sighs]
- What?
Except I'm not sporty.
You're way sportier than me.
Like this guy...
Athletic dreamboat. Stein.
Look.
- Not bad!
- [friend] Right?
What are you doing?
Sent.
- What did you just send?
- Meet me tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.
[hums excitedly]
- What are you looking at?
- Fuck.
Sporty Stein!
[Johanne groans]
[electronic music playing]
DECEMBER 5TH
[Stein grunts]
[Stein grunting]
Just trying to warm up my triceps.
So I see.
- [Johanne laughs nervously]
- Got it?
Yeah, I think.
- Here. Let's just...
- [Johanne] Oh!
And this guy here...
- It's alright that I'm...?
- Mm-hmm. Oh, sorry!
- I don't...
- [Stein] One sec.
There you go.
[Stein grunts]
- You all set?
- [Johanne] Mm-hmm.
[Stein] Let's do it.
- So, like this?
- [Stein] Mm-hmm.
Like that, yeah.
[both laugh]
If you enjoy spinning,
I can get you some bike shoes,
so you can train this part here.
[laughs] This old thing?
- Sorry for the touch.
- No, it's fine.
It's cool of you to try this out.
Well, I'm sporty, so...
I get so nervous on a first date.
Staring at each other over coffee,
or in a dark movie theater.
Tell me about it. I am so
goddamn over film dates, believe me.
- Yeah?
- [Johanne] Hmm.
A nurse, huh?
Yeah.
That's fantastic.
You guys keep our society running.
Well, you and teachers.
- That's sweet. Thanks a lot.
- [Stein] I mean it.
- [Johanne yelps]
- Oh! Hey!
- Are you OK?
- [Johanne] I think.
[Johanne laughs]
I'll be fine.
- Sorry.
- Are you alright?
[both laugh]
- Is your crotch broken?
- [Johanne laughs]
- Yeah.
- Let me help you back up.
How did I do that?
- Thanks for saving my crotch.
- [Stein] No need to thank me.
It's fun playing the hero.
[Johanne] Yeah.
Oh...
There.
- OK?
- [Johanne] OK.
Let's go!
[electronic music continues]
[Stein] Thanks for the spin date.
Oh, yeah.
Right back at you, man.
Are you on the mend with...?
- My crotch?
- Mm-hmm.
[both laugh]
Yeah, she's doing better.
Do you have plans tomorrow?
No.
- [Stein] OK.
- Wait, hold on. I've got...
In the afternoon,
I've got to be at the hospital.
Let's go skiing in the morning.
Call me if you have time.
- OK. I will.
- [Stein] OK?
- See you.
- Alright, bye.
[slow romantic music plays]
DECEMBER 6TH
[Johanne] Come on.
No!
[both laugh]
Ready?
Yep.
Let's go!
[Johanne panting]
[grunts] Damnit!
[panting]
How's it going in second place?
[Stein] Come on!
Looking good!
If you press down hard with your foot,
you'll get a better grip
and center of gravity.
[Johanne continues panting]
Whoo!
Wet conditions today.
You should get ski skins.
- [Johanne chuckles]
- No, they're good.
OK, let's go!
[Johanne groans]
[Johanne] Fuck.
[panting]
Hi there!
- Whoo!
- [Johanne sighs]
Don't forget what I said.
A better center of gravity like this...
Yeah, I didn't forget.
You don't need to talk to me
like I'm a kindergarten student.
- I'm not three.
- I'm just trying to give you some tips.
- Thanks.
- [Stein] OK?
- Yes.
- Let's go!
Mm-hmm.
Let's go.
Yeah...
Whoo!
You really fell behind there.
You should have added
some extra wax to your skis.
Yes, exactly.
That's the problem. Thanks, Stein.
I was hoping we'd ski together,
not with you a million miles ahead,
egging me on from the top.
And as soon as I reach it,
you keep making me chase you.
I thought it was kind of flirty.
It's not romantic to embarrass me.
Oh, fuck!
I need to be at work in 20 minutes.
I can give you a ride. Come on.
I have heated seats and everything.
No, thanks. It will be fine.
It's only a couple stops anyway, so yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Let's do something next week.
Something that doesn't raise your pulse.
I have a lot of shifts I'm picking up.
Like, tons of broken bones, diseases,
people overtraining and worse.
So, I'm going to need to go.
I'm super late,
but it was nice seeing you.
- OK, bye!
- [Stein] OK...
How about the week after next?
[upbeat music plays]
[grunts]
Well, what an interesting time
to arrive at work.
And did you ski in today?
Yeah, traffic was a bit of a parking...
Right, so you just skied to the office?
You don't think that's a bit ridiculous?
Yes. No. I mean, no, I think, but...
- Whatever you find amusing.
- Thanks.
Oh, hi!
Oh, God.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You're a skier?
Yep...
What's going on here?
Oh, I'm just going to kill myself!
So, how did it go?
I'm so fucking over this.
I'm never going
on another date again, I swear.
I don't understand why people do this.
I'm anti-dating now!
I just want to meet and have a chat.
It doesn't even need to be good.
I'm fed up with some dumb hipster dude
picking apart
my favorite movie of all time
while I accidentally stand
in piles of reindeer shit.
I don't want to ski Holmenkollmarsjen
until my toes fall off
and there's rug burn up in my fanny.
Sorry for the imagery.
And I definitely don't want
to be locked in an escape room
with some insane little person,
while I count down
the minutes to eternity.
[Johanne sighs]
Girl, I feel you. But we have
a lot of dying patients to get to, so...
- Huh. There's that.
- Can you check Mrs. Nergaard first?
- Yeah. OK.
- Yep.
Come on, you stupid piece of...
Stay there.
OK.
Jesus H Christ! Are you kidding me?
Not today, Satan!
I'll send you back to hell
where you belong!
["Years" by Astrid S playing]
♪ When you meet someone who has someone ♪
♪ Is it your fault if you fall in love? ♪
♪ When you know
That you could hurt someone ♪
♪ Is it your fault if you get involved? ♪
♪ Tried to stay away... ♪
[Johanne] Come on.
♪ But no one gets to me like you ♪
♪ I got everything to lose ♪
♪ Yeah, I know ♪
♪ It's a mistake
And my heart's gonna break ♪
♪ It'll probably take me years
To get over ♪
♪ Even the hurt, yeah ♪
♪ I know that it's worth
All the years it'll take ♪
♪ For me to get over you, you ♪
♪ Years to get over you, you ♪
♪ When you meet someone and have someone ♪
♪ And you're falling in and out of love ♪
♪ And when you're close to giving up ♪
♪ Just to give in to another touch ♪
♪ You'll be coming home to me ♪
♪ Sleeping where you shouldn't be ♪
Check this out. You're the dude whisperer!
Where's the age limit? And did you do
that bullshit of swiping right all guys?
Yes, see here!
Behind each dick pic is a guy
with a heart of gold, or at least a guy.
And you have 28 of them to choose from.
Like him. He's real hot.
Jonas.
- If you're into 19-year-olds.
- A grade A fuckboy.
But what do I say?
"Hey, I see you like long walks at sunset,
dubstep and MILFs."
You could maybe open up with hello.
- He's 19.
- You need to take control. Yeah?
If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work,
but at least it's your call, right?
Find your spirit animal. Channel it.
Are you serious?
- OK.
- Channel it.
- Harness your inner tiger. He's 19.
- Really?
You totally have more experience.
That remains to be seen.
Put on that short-ass,
bitching sparkly dress.
And then the ball will be in your court.
Hopefully, they will be his balls.
- Proactive seduction.
- Exactly.
[hisses]
[growls and snarls]
[Johanne meows]
[both pant like dogs]
[dance music playing]
DECEMBER 7TH
SORRY ABOUT THE SKI TRIP.
COFFEE SOMETIME?
[Jonas] Johanne?
Jonas?
[Jonas] Hey.
Bubbles first, then dancing,
or dancing first and bubbles later?
Bubbly first.
- [Johanne gasps]
- [Jonas cheers]
- My pops. On Pop's card.
- [Johanne laughs]
[dance music playing]
- [in Norwegian] Cheers...
- [in English] Yeah, cheers to Papa.
- [Johanne] No!
- I was two.
- Like, in diapers? It's hard to hear.
- I don't remember any of it.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit. That's wild.
[Johanne laughs]
["Strangers" by Sigrid playing]
♪ Our story's after the end
Like strangers ♪
♪ Perfect pretenders ♪
♪ We're falling head over heels
For something that ain't real ♪
♪ It could never be us ♪
[panting]
- Are your parents coming home?
- No, they're in Stockholm.
OK. OK.
[Johanne grunts]
[Johanne laughs]
[pants] Oh, I'm going to come.
[both groaning]
Uh!
[Johanne] Holy shit!
[groaning]
[Johanne screams]
[Johanne] Is this real?
[Johanne laughs]
[both grunting]
Wait, not so hard. Not so hard.
- [Jonas] OK.
- [sighs] OK.
A little harder than that.
Oh, yeah.
I'm coming.
[groaning]
[Johanne laughs]
[Johanne gasps]
[Johanne laughing]
[laughs] OK.
[groaning]
[Jonas sighs]
[Jonas sighs]
[Johanne] Oh, my God...
["Years" by Astrid S playing]