Home Economics (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Sushi for Twelve, $482 Plus Delivery - full transcript

Good morning, Lupe.

I would not go in there
if I were you.

Your family, they are
everywhere, like locusts.

Oh, come on, have a heart.

Sarah and Denise had a flood.
Tom and Marina had a fire.

Yes, a flood, a fire.

I worry God does not like
these people.

[blender whirs]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you eat all
my steel-cut oats?

Of course not.
No, I just...



I used it to make oat milk.

It's the creamiest
of the non-dairies...

Super good in coffee,

which you now need
to get more of.

No big deal.
I'll just hit the gym.

[upbeat music playing]

[♪ ♪]

Wow, that's really loud.

- What?
- Nothing.

You know what? I'll just...
I'll come back later.

Oh, no, thanks.
I already had coffee.

Okay.

Also, I think I broke
your massage gun.

[music continues muffled]



Person speaks indistinctly
on cell phone...

- [sighs]
- Shh.

Sorry. Guess I'll just...

Shh.

- Uh, hey, little bro.
- Seriously?

I'm doing a writing sprint.

Working on a short story
about a Belgian cobbler...

- [laughter]
- Ow.

- [babies crying]
- Yeah, I know how you feel.

Shh.

Upbeat music...

*HOME ECONOMICS*
Season 03 Episode 03

Episode Title:
"Sushi For Twelve, $482 Plus Delivery"

Aired on:
October 05, 2022.

[children laughing]

Careful if you go upstairs.

The twins fell asleep
on your bed.

- Aw.
- Isn't that adorable?

- So adorable.
- Mm.

So fun you guys are here...

Like, literally
in, like, every room.

Yeah, uh, I was going to ask,
can we stay a couple more days?

I mean, they say
the smoke's all gone,

but I have
a very sensitive sniffer.

No problem.

Of course.

Also, can you lay off
the cologne?

'Cause of the...
Yeah.

Did you see that?

Tom totally sat in my spot.

And Marina is using
my favorite Snoopy mug.

Guess it's just
an adjustment, you know,

getting used to other people
in your space.

Yes, your space.

She's right.

We're being almost as bad
as Tom and Marina.

- Yeah, but not as bad.
- Both: No.

[laughing] No way.

You know, Connor
has been such a great host.

I feel like we should...

I don't know...
Get him something.

Oh, that's a great idea.

We have to figure out

what to get the guy
who has everything...

Except for a Snoopy mug,
because I'm keeping that.

- I think I saw two.
- Really?

Yeah.

Ooh, there she is...

The woman so hot,
she burned down her house.

Yeah, yeah, okay,
it wasn't the whole house.

It was just the curtains
and then eventually the wall.

Well, be careful.

If you and Tom burn down this
place with another sex fire,

none of us will have
a place to stay.

Well, between you and me,
it wasn't technically a sex fire

because we didn't actually,
you know, do it, sex-wise

Well, I guess a fire
would ruin the mood.

That's just it.
We never used to need a mood.

We'd just do it.

But, lately... [scoffs]

I guess I've just been so busy
with work and the kids.

Well, this happens
to everybody

- who's been married this long.
- [sighs]

Sarah and I had
a dry spell last year.

We went down
to, like, twice a week.

[laughs]

Oh, wait, you're serious.

Tom and I haven't,
you know, in months.

[laughs]

Oh, you're serious?

Months? Plural?

Okay, yeah, I think...
I'm sure that's fine.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Totally fine.
- Mm-hmm.

I've just been so busy
with the book and the kids.

But it's just
a dry spell, right?

- It's no big deal.
- No, it's a big deal, Tom.

I mean, the same thing happened
to me and Emily.

Right before the divorce,

we were down
to, like, twice a week.

[laughs]
Oh, wait, you're serious?

Are you and Marina
getting a divorce?

What? No.

I can't handle that, Tom.

I can't do brunch
at two different places.

Just tell me.

Hey, be honest with me.
Was it my fault?

Is it...
What? No.

Look, okay, everything's fine

between me
and your sister-in-law.

Nobody's getting divorced.
There's nothing to worry about.

- I feel so much better.
- Great.

I'm glad you feel better.

[♪ ♪]

They haven't done it
in weeks?

- No, months.
- [gasps]

- Don't say anything.
- No, of course not.

- You know me.
- Yes, yes, I do.

- Yeah, I won't say anything.
- Okay.

Ooh, she's here.
It's so exciting.

First sleepover
with a new friend.

And you were worried Shamiah
wasn't going to fit it

at Windmount.
[car door closes]

Bye, Mrs. La Croix.
I had a great time.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.

Oh, we missed you.

I missed you, too.

Your daughter is fabulous.

Oh, yeah, she's all right.

- So it went well? I'm so glad.
- It was fabulous.

Shamiah and Kinsey had a blast.

Zara, did you make these?

Guilty.
[laughs]

Wow, they're beautiful.

Oh, it's just
my little hobby, but I love it.

So do the parents at Windmount.

They buy them faster
than I can make them.

[gasps] Oh.

This is what
we should get Connor.

[gasps] That's a great idea.

How much are these?

'Cause we would love to get one
for my brother.

That would be fabulous!

I usually charge 21,

but since our daughters
are clearly besties,

I'll give you the friends
and family discount of 18.50.

Amazing.
Yes, we'll do it.

These two have homes already,

but I have a fresh one coming
out of the kiln this afternoon.

Fabulous.
[laughter]

[♪ ♪]

Hey... you.

Hey... guy.

- Sorry.
- No, that's okay.

Whoo. Uh, what are you doing
around these parts?

Sarah asked me to help her
wrap a gift for Connor.

For Connor?
She asked me the same thing.

- Uh, really?
- That's weird.

Yeah, that is weird.
I'm a wrapping machine.

You're all crooked paper
and visible tape lines.

[♪ ♪]

Thomas, Marina,
you're right on time.

Why don't you have a seat?

Denise told me what Marina said

about your issues
in the bedroom.

- Oh, my...
- You told Denise?

I am so sorry.

And I never said "issues."

Wow, I'm shocked.

And, honestly,
I feel a little betrayed.

Tom, Connor told me what you
said about your issues, too.

Yeah, no, I definitely
should've seen that coming.

You told Connor?

Why don't you just
tell Lupe, too?

Trust me, if Connor knows,
Lupe definitely knows.

I understand why you
didn't come to me first, okay?

It can be really intimidating
opening up to a therapist.

Not the reason.

But the important thing is,
you're here now.

- [knock at door]
- Hey, could I use my office?

I do actually work.

Oh, we're... we're
in the middle of a session.

- Ooh, the sex stuff?
- The no-sex stuff.

Okay, is it possible to die
of embarrassment?

I hope so.

So who wants to go first?

Yeah, I think we're good.

Thanks.

As fun as ambush
therapy sounds...

Fine, walk out that door,

but you're going to be right
back to where you started...

Anxious, consumed with doubt,
wondering,

"Will I ever recapture
that spark we once had?"

[sighs]

Yep.

Look, guys, this doesn't have
to be weird, all right?

We're all grown-ups.

We know that sex
is about intimacy and honesty

and, above all, communication.

That's where I come in.

- Makes sense, I guess.
- Okay.

Now, why don't you take me

through a typical night
of your lovemaking,

from arousal to completion?

- Okeydoke.
- Yeah, okay, bye-bye.

Wait, but I-I didn't even get
to bring out the puppets.

I told you not
to say anything.

I don't want to talk
about it.

They're obviously just not
ready to put in the work.

Your friend is here.

Knock, knock.
Vase delivery.

How fun...
The guests have guests.

That is gorgeous.
Connor will love it.

Thank you so much
for bringing it over.

You said it was $18.50?

You know what?

I think I love you guys
and your fabulous daughter,

so let's just say $1,800 even.

- Oh, thank you so much.
- Oh...

Wait, what?

- 1,800?
- Dollars?

Unless euros are easier.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

dollars are equally easy,
Denise.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I don't think
I have that much on me.

I bought diamonds earlier.

Just give it to me whenever.

I should go. I have to take
my cat to swim lessons.

- Bye.
- Both: Bye!

- Okay.
- Oh, my God.

What are we going to do?
I don't even have $18 in here.

I just have a $5
and some Altoids.

$1,800?
[door closes]

That's, like,
the whole baby jar.

I mean, we wouldn't even have
a baby jar.

We would have a vase as a baby.
I don't want a ceramic baby!

Where do these rich moms
get off,

charging so much for a hobby?

We cannot pay $1,800
for a vase, okay?

We have to return it.

Oh, he's coming.
Here, hide it.

[squeals]

There's no room
in any of these.

Take it, take it, take it.

- Don't throw it.
- Come on, come on.

Can I get in there?

Game's on.
I wanted to grab some chips.

- I ate them... all the chips.
- Mm-hmm.

They're gone, sorry.

Oh. Well, I'll just get
some pretzels.

Those are gone, too.
I ate 'em.

It's my fault. With my beer...

I needed them with my beer,
which is also gone.

Okay.

- Chex Mix?
- Mm-mm.

Fiddle Faddle?
Paleo Puffs? Ding Dongs?

Nutri-Grain Bars?
KIND Bars? CLIF BARS?

- PowerBars?
- We love granola.

- Power Crunch bars?
- We ate all of it.

We ate all of it, all of it.

Beef jerky? Teriyaki jerky?
Buffalo jerky? Turkey jerky?

- It's gone. It's gone, yeah.
- Yeah, all the jerky.

So there's nothing
in the kitchen for me to eat?

Altoid?

Okay.

- [exhales deeply]
- We pulled that off.

- Yes.
- Wow.

Oh, look at us

[announcers speaking
indistinctly on TV]

[crunching]

Should have savored it.
[door opens]

How now, brown cow?

Mom, Dad,
what are you doing here?

When Tom and Sarah told us

the whole family
was staying over,

we thought it would be fun
to swing by.

- Didn't they tell you?
- Why tell me?

It's just my house.

Why do you have a suitcase?

Oh, we thought it'd be
more fun to stay the night.

- Everybody else is.
- Mm.

Also, we were halfway
through watching "Pam & Tommy,"

and our free Hulu trial
expired.

[sighs]
How about this?

I will get you guys a new Hulu
subscription at your house.

Oh, I don't know.
This just seems easier.

- Mm.
- I'll tell you what...

I'll just park the bag
in the guest room,

and then we can get
our binge on, huh?

Oh, and you're welcome
to join us,

but I got to warn you...
It's a little blue.

Mm, yeah.

No, I think I'll just, uh, go
for a drive.

Oh, hey, uh, Con, I think
I may have blocked you in.

Then I'm going for a walk.

No one can take away walking!

Bring a sweater.
[door closes]

Everyone is making
such a big deal

about a little
intimacy problem.

I wouldn't even call it
a problem.

- We've just been busy.
- So busy.

I mean, it's not
like we can't... you know.

We can totally "you know."

We could "you know" anytime.

Anytime.

We could "you know"
right now.

We could absolutely
right now.

So what
if my whole family's outside?

- Doesn't bother me.
- Me neither.

Okay.
[chuckles]

Uh...

I guess we're doing this.

Hells, yeah,
if you're in the mood.

If I'm in the mood?
Oh, yeah, I'm...

[chuckles awkwardly]
Way in the mood.

Yeah, me too.
I'm all horned up.

All right.

♪ Turn down the lights ♪

Okay.

♪ We gonna do it right ♪

♪ I can do
just what you want ♪

♪ I ain't lyin',
I won't front ♪

♪ It's gonna be the night ♪

♪ I'll change
your whole life ♪

This is really doing it
for me.

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

[♪ ♪]

[object clatters]

[♪ ♪]

Can I take off
the other shoe?

It's messing with my balance.

- Of course.
- All right. [Clears throat]

- You can't return it.
- Look, we have to.

Do know how
embarrassing that will be?

I understand, but if she's
your friend, she will get it.

Have you met
a teen girl before?

I'm sorry, but we
just can't afford it.

Connor was so excited
to see us.

We should visit more often.

- [gasps] Oh, my God.
- [screaming]

No!
Anyone but you!

- [gasps]
- [gasps]

Yeah, good luck
returning that now.

[whispering] I don't think
my parents saw that much.

We weren't really
doing anything...

[whispering]
Please stop talking.

[whispering] Maybe we
could return the vase to Zara

for, like, a few dollars
per shard.

Shh, shh, shh.

[whispering]
I really don't care for sushi.

Me neither, but we have
to keep eating to be polite.

Is there any sushi left?

Oh, there's
some edamame... shells.

Oh, great.

Guess I'm eating ginger!
[chair thuds]

Okay.
[clears throat]

Looks like it falls on me
to break the tension.

Dad, could I beg you not
to say what you're about to...

- No, you may not.
- Okay.

I know everyone
feels uncomfortable,

but there's no need.

What Tom and Marina were...

attempting

is a natural part of
any loving relationship.

Marshall.

I'm just saying...
I, for one,

think the human body
is pretty darn amazing.

Dad.

So, as Tommy Lee said
to Pamela Anderson

before the world, in a way,
walked in on them...

- Dad, please don't.
- That's not okay.

We're trying to eat.

Tom and I are going to go
and get some more wine.

- Oh, there's some here.
- Not enough.

And we are going to go
look for some superglue.

Yes, for totally
normal reasons.

Hmm. Why are you not spending
time with your amazing family

that you love?

Just needed some space...

and some nuggets.

Yes, you should eat nuggets
in the driveway

while they steal your sushi.

Come on,
it's not that simple.

Yes, it is.

Kick them out.

At least let me do it.

Please let me do it.
I want to do it.

But I'm the host.

Tom's the...
You know, the smart one.

Sarah's the good one.

And I'm the guy
who has this big house

that everyone gets to use.

[sighs]
I understand.

Ow!

- What was that for?
- For being ridiculous.

People love you for more than
your house and your money.

How do you know?

Because I am standing
here talking to you

and I have been off the clock
for 15 minutes.

[light music]

Setting limits doesn't mean
you care less for your family.

It means you care enough
to be honest.

- Thanks, Lupe.
- Mm.

That's deep.

You know, my boy Alex
actually gave a TED Talk...

Stop.
15 minutes is enough.

See?

Limits.

Hmm.

I don't know.
They all look the same to me.

Did you find anything good?

Oh, I decided on one
ten minutes ago.

I'm just not ready
to go back up there.

[chuckles]
Me neither.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, Tom.

For what?
They're my family.

No, not for that,
for what's going on with us,

or what's not going on...
It's my fault.

What are you talking about?
It's totally my fault.

I've been putting
so much pressure on it.

Oh. Me too.
First, I thought I was busy.

But then it was a month
and then two months,

and now I'm just...
I'm in my head.

Yeah, I was like,
"Is it a problem?"

I was like, "Is it problem

because I think
it's a problem?"

And then everything just got
so weird and... and awkward

and... and weird.

And I just said "weird" twice.
[both chuckling]

Look, let's just...
[sighs]

Let's take all the pressure
out of it, you know?

What if we, uh,
took it off the table?

- Take sex off the table?
- For a little while.

Then we don't have
to think about it

or think about thinking
about it.

We could just relax.

I'd like that.

Come here.

- We love each other.
- Mm.

That's what's important.

Frequency
doesn't prove anything.

Yeah, I mean, who cares
if it's once a month?

- Or once a year?
- Once a decade?

Whoa, let's not... let's...

- Come on, let's be reasonable.
- [chuckles]

[exhaling sharply]
And done.

What do you think?

Are we returning it
to her in the dark?

I think it could work.
You just have to be positive.

Okay.

What was that?

Uh, it was nothing.

Nothing at all.

It was supposed to be
a gift to say thank you,

but then Shamiah's friend's mom
tricked us into buying

a really expensive vase,
and then we broke it,

and so now we don't have
any money,

and we also don't have
a present for you.

Or that.
It was also that.

Wait, who, Zara?

She was always bugging me
to buy one of these things.

This is actually perfect.
Let me pay for it.

You want to buy your own gift
that's broken?

The real gift is the thought

and the fact this mom will stop
bugging me about buying a vase.

What do I owe her?

Uh, 18.

Thousand?

That's kind of steep.

Hundred.

Oh, seriously?
That's kind of a steal.

This worked out great.
Thanks.

[laughing] Wow.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

[sighs]

Aren't you relieved?
Why don't you look relieved?

Lulu, we almost got
financially wiped out

by a vase.

Well, yeah,
but it's over now.

No, it's not. There's always
going to be another vase.

Why would there be
another vase?

Oh, it's a metaphor
for unexpected expenses.

Sorry, go on.

We can't even
keep up as it is.

It's going to be even harder
with a baby.

Yeah, we don't want Connor to
have to bail us out every time.

We don't just need money
to have a baby.

We need money to raise it.

We need a bigger baby jar.

- I thought we were so close.
- I know.

Come here.

Okay, so what we need to do
is just figure out a way

to make a little more money.

I mean, the school is looking
for a new coach

for the debate team.

I am really good at arguing.

You're not that good
at arguing.

Excuse me, I am very good
at arguing.

Okay, now I see
what you're doing.

[laughs]

So I tell this guy

if he raises
our fire-insurance premium,

I'm going to take our home,
auto, and term-life policies

and go elsewhere.

I thought we didn't
have term life.

We don't.
I was just making it up.

I was riffing.
It was like jazz.

Anyway, saved us
$14 a month, so...

Honey, nice job.

Oh, this is so boring,

and I'm so relieved
to not be talking about sex.

Me too.
[chuckles]

A weight
has been lifted, right?

[chuckles]
[both sigh]

You know,
the new garbage bins

are arriving on Wednesday.

Yeah, I hear they
have self-locking lids.

Mm-hmm.

And the water tank stopped...
making that noise.

Cool, I'll, uh... I'll...

cancel the plumber.

Mm.

Oh, I cleaned the A.C. filters.

- Mm.
- Right.

♪ Turn down the lights ♪

♪ We gonna do it right,
I can do just what... ♪

Oh, look
who's staying together.

Oh, they're glowing.
[all swooning]

- You look great.
- So glad I could help.

Get your freak on.

Okay, I don't know
which is worse...

When they were all worried
we weren't

or now that they're happy
we did.

We can never talk
to these people again.

- Right.
- Hey, proud of you, bud.

Well, Tom, Marina,

I'm happy my wine cellar
was good to you.

And, Mom, Dad,
I am obviously thrilled

that you finished
"Pam & Tommy."

Thank you.

Did you know they were based
on real people?

- That can't be right.
- Yeah.

But, unfortunately,
this endless brunch is over.

It's time for everyone
to leave,

except for Sarah and Denise.

They actually don't have
anywhere to go.

- Thank you so much.
- It was the vase.

Uh-huh.

Sorry, man,
we totally understand.

No, I can read
between the lines.

Mm, no lines,
just telling you to leave.

Connor, you were so nice
to let us all stay.

I mean, we just all
descended on you like...

- Locusts.
- Yes, thank you, Lupe.

Felt like you had
that one ready.

Sweetie, giving you
your space back

is the least we can do.

Consider us gone.

Thanks, everyone.

All right, you know, just
take it away from me, please.

- [laughs]
- This is what you want.

Yes, thank you.
[laughs]

Any more waffles?

It would be weird to have
a croissant and a frittata.

[laughter]

- Tom.
- Oh, you mean now?

Okay, yeah.

[sports announcer
speaking indistinctly on TV]

Hey, Connor.

Uh, we felt really bad
about messing up your gift.

- So we got you this.
- It's a handmade coupon book.

So each one is good for
one hour of total alone time.

Just give us one of those
anytime you want us

out of your hair.

And we will give you all
the space that you need.

Oh, you want to use
them all right now.

Let's go.

This is, like, 17 hours.

Guess you got
17 hours to fill.

[whistle blows,
cheers and applause on TV]