Home Economics (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Speeding Ticket, $180 - full transcript

Chapter 14.

There was nothing Tom
enjoyed more than stories

of traveling to distant lands,

and there was nothing that Tom
enjoyed less

than actually traveling.

I can't find my khakis.

The one with the side pocket
for sunscreen?

Mm-mm.

He needs to re-apply
every 15 minutes.

The dermatologist said
he'll literally catch on fire.

Tom, you are
the most nervous traveler.



Do you have to go
to Puerto Rico?

Sofía wants me to see
the village she grew up in

so I can write

about her impoverished
childhood in the memoir.

Now, how many umbrellas
do you think I'll need?

One to none?

I thought this trip
was gonna be a few days.

Yeah, but it's pretty humid
down there.

You got... to expect at least
three pairs of socks per day.

Ew.

If you're this anxious
about going,

I can take your place.

Although Sofía might be more
of a handful than the twins.

- No.
- You know, working on that book



hasn't been all bad.

Thanks to Sofía,

I've learned
that I'm a ceviche guy.

What?

I've been pushing you
to try ceviche for years.

You said eating raw fish
makes you feel like a pelican.

Well, technically, ceviche
isn't raw fish.

It's cured in acid.
Sofía taught me that.

Can I go to the movies
after this?

- Sure, sweetie.
- Who all's going?

Just some friends
from school.

- Oof, cold.
- I was like that at her age...

which means you're in trouble.

- Oh, all right.
- Let me just kind of...

Come on.

First she ditches us
on Halloween,

now this attitude.

Teen years are
starting off rough.

I hope Gretchen stays
my little girl forever.

Maybe she'll be a late bloomer
like Tom and require

a medical intervention
to kickstart puberty.

Come on.

Maybe it never kicked in.

I wonder if something more
is going on with her,

because she's been especially
cagey with us lately.

I wouldn't sweat it.

She's probably just nervous
to see Cayden.

- Who's Cayden?
- Cayden.

The boy she likes,

whose ass I'll kick
if he breaks her heart?

- Oh, my God, her first crush.
- Why didn't she tell us?

- Yeah.
- And why did she tell you?

Because I'm the cool uncle
that she can confide in.

- Oh, please.
- Like you understand

the emotional life
of a teenage girl.

We have a very active
text thread, okay?

Our memes are so crazy,
I don't even understand them.

Okay, well, Shamiah
will come to us

when it's something
worth sharing.

Yes, of course. Absolutely.

- And... done.
- Got it.

[upbeat music]

Are those mittens?

♪ ♪

But if the gardener
couldn't have been

the Hothouse killer,
then who was?

It was
the brother-in-law, Steven.

Oh, I've heard
this one already.

Hi, honey.

- Are you in the jungle?
- Have you been kidnapped?

We don't have the money
to pay ransom.

What? No.

No, I just want to call you

before I jump off
this 40-foot waterfall.

What?
Oh, he did it!

What?

You're terrified
of heights and water.

- Yeah, I know.
- This was Sofía's idea.

She said it'd a fun way
to cap off our trip

before we head to the airport.

Well, you could
just tell them

you have diarrhea.

No, I'm gonna go for it.

She's got this crazy way

of pushing me
out of my comfort zone.

An hour ago,
I let an iguana sit

on my head.

What?
Hey, how are the kids?

Are Alejandro
and Esteban asleep?

- "Es-tay-ban."
- Wait, you said it correctly.

Yeah. Sofía has been
helping me with my Spanish.

Don't worry,
it's not like that.

She's actually sleeping
with our driver.

It's... it's really awkward.

Tomás, vámonos.

"Tomás"?

Oh, yeah, it's what Sofía
started calling me.

It's Spanish for Tom.

Okay, I'm gonna go.
It's my turn to jump.

I don't want
to keep them waiting.

Yeah, yeah, I'd hate for you

to be inconsiderate.

Okay. Love you. Bye.

I'm coming!

[screams]
[phone beeps]

It was
the brother-in-law, Steven.

♪ ♪

Wait, who is Sue?

I thought Abby Wambach
was in love with Glennon.

Oh, I see.
We swapped books.

You were reading Megan Rapinoe.

- Oh...
- Well, I'm invested now.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, sweetie.
How was the park?

Is everything okay?

It's fine.

Okay, clearly,
not everything's fine.

Yeah, did it look like
she's been crying?

Whoa.

Shamiah, are you hungry?

Should I make you
a tofu scramble?

Yeah, we can eat it
while we watch

"High School Musical:
The Musical: The Series."

Wow, I finally got
the title right.

[upbeat music playing]

Great.
She's literally tuning us out.

I bet this has something
to do with that boy she likes.

I don't get it.

She knows she can talk to us
about anything.

This is a safe space.

Yeah, it says so right there.

♪ ♪

We do know someone she
feels comfortable talking to.

No, no way.

We need cool uncle Connor.

Okay, first of all,
do not call him that,

and also, I don't like
the idea of Connor

being Shamiah's confidant.
Okay?

In high school,
he went to nine proms.

There was a write-up
about it in the paper.

So he's experienced.

Look, she's shutting us out
for some reason.

We're gonna need his help.

Okay, I can talk to kids.

Right?
It's my job.

'Sup, girl?

Can we come in

and just hang on the floor,
like, listen to some music?

Oh, is that the new Lizzo?

Yas queen, I love that,
that bus'ing beat.

Just leave me alone!

Fine.

[cell phone rings]

What's up, Sarah?

Hey, Connor, what's going on?

Just finishing up
a little workout sesh.

Just benched three hundy

for the first time,
kind of an emotional day.

- Please let me hang up.
- Keep going.

- Congrats.
- That's a lot of hundys.

Hey, if you're
in the neighborhood later,

we could use your help
with our garbage disposal.

I'm getting to it.
It's making a weird sound.

Ooh, just got a text
from Shamiah.

She wants me to come over.

She used punctuation.
It's a hot one.

I'm on my way.
And call a plumber.

What do I know
about garbage disposals?

♪ ♪

Hola.

- Tom?
- You're back.

And dressed
like you're in a tequila ad.

- Yeah, it's crazy, right?
- The airline lost my luggage,

so I had to get
all new clothes in San Juan.

After all your stress
about what to bring...

That bag had three
of your five favorite hoodies.

- It's just stuff. Yeah.
- It turns up, It turns up.

- I'm sorry, who are you?
- And what's with the gold chain?

Oh, you like?

Sofía said
it screamed "Tomás."

Puerto Rico was incredible.

I rode a horse.
I ate ant eggs.

We even trespassed
into an abandoned castle

to drink rum at sunset.

Wow, for someone
who didn't want to go,

you sure had a great time.

Yeah, well, Sofía has got
this saying,

"You only live once."

- That's a very common saying.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess I just never
really understood it before.

Hey, how was your week?

Well, Alejandro
has an impacted stool.

Camilla called me a monster

when I didn't let her watch
"Gossip Girl."

And even though
I've been doing laundry

non-stop,
this pile never gets smaller.

Well, you'll be happy to know
that these clothes

are dry clean only, so...

Ha-ha.

Yeah, you know,
it must have been really hard

staying here all week,

with me at work,
having to take care

of all this stuff.

Why don't we go out
tomorrow night?

We'll go to Gianno's.
They have a new special.

Chicken parm, I know.

It's been their new special
for the last three years.

Okay. Well, then we'll just
order in, and watch a movie.

There's a voter suppression
documentary

that Sarah
has been raving about.

- Those are my options?
- Why can't I have adventure?

Why can't I have Tomás,

the man who jumps
off waterfalls,

who doesn't blink
at losing his luggage.

Why don't I get
that side of you?

We went
on a haunted hayride once.

I've been pushing you
for years to try new things.

Like the nude beach.

Those seagulls were, like,
weirdly aggressive.

For our anniversary,
I said we should get

wedding band tattoos,
and you got physically ill.

Yeah, well,
what if I got an infection?

I can't afford
to lose a finger.

These are my moneymakers.

Around Sofía Salazar,
nothing seems to scare you.

Heights, eating ants, rum.

- Come on.
- I drank rum for work.

- [scoffs]
- Wha... okay.

Look, it's different
around you.

I can be myself.

I don't have to try so hard.

Oh.

So you put in the effort
for Sofía, but not for me?

I'm gonna go take
my first shower in three days.

♪ ♪

Seriously?

They've been in there
for, like, a half hour.

I need to know
what they're talking about.

You're being ridiculous.

You're right.

I need a glass.

That's not what I meant.

Also, the glass thing
only works in the movies.

- I think I hear something.
- Wait, it works?

Wow, not cool, Denise.

And the glass thing
only works in the movies.

- So what's going on?
- Yeah, what happened?

Don't worry,
everything's fine.

And...

- And what?
- And anything.

Oh, you guys want the deets.

Yes, obviously the deets.

Sorry, it's a no-can-do.

I'd be breaking
uncle/niece code.

What about
brother/sister code?

That's not a thing.

Connor, please.

We're worried.
She was so upset.

Look, it's just
teenage boy drama, okay?

She likes him.

She's worried
he doesn't like her back.

And I'm already
telling you too much.

Okay.
Don't rat on me.

I hate this.

Your first crush
is an important milestone.

And I wanna be a part of it.

Me too.

I can't believe she'd open up
her heart to you over us.

You're like the jock
in every teen movie

who dates the dorky girl
on a bet.

Hey, that was one time.

And when Gwen
took her glasses off,

she was stunning,
so joke's on you.

I'm just trying to help.
Okay?

I told Shamiah
to talk to you guys about it,

but she said
you won't understand.

Why wouldn't we understand?

Because it's about a boy?

And she thinks we can't
relate because we're gay?

That can't be it, can't it?

She likes boys and we don't.

We do not.

Yeah, it's pretty obvious.

You have a k.d. lang cookbook.

"Constant Cravings"
has some solid recipes.

I was so afraid
that this might happen.

We need to make it clear
to Shamiah

that we understand
what she's going through.

Otherwise, she's just gonna
shut us out completely.

[cell phone chimes]

That's Shamiah.

Cayden just posted
his new kicks on the 'gram,

and she needs my help
with a comment.

It's a delicate dance,
might take a while.

Oh, she did ask me to tell
you guys just one thing.

What is it?

She wants tacos for dinner.

Can I please watch
"Gossip Girl?"

Why, I didn't realize
you were an adult.

Do you wanna go to jury duty
and pay taxes too?

[car horn honks]

♪ ♪

- Tom?
- No. No, no.

It's Tomás,

and I'm here to show you
a wild night.

Really?

And where did Tomás
get such a sexy car?

Well, Tomás knows a guy
in private equity.

Has a mansion,

kind of a mean housekeeper...
It's Connor.

I don't know if you
guessed yet.

It's Connor.

I borrowed his car.
Tell you what?

The babysitter
gets here any minute.

Why don't you go inside,
change into something sexy,

and then get
into this sexy car... sexy?

Oh.

I like the way Tomás thinks.

Well, get used to it,

because one...
Oh, it's in neutral.

I think I left it in neutral.

Go ahead, you change.

And I'll take care of this.

It'll be fine. As long as I...
I think I left the keys inside.

It's good. Go ahead.
Go inside. It's fine.

♪ ♪

It's all good.
It's fine. It's fine.

So where is Tomás taking me?

How does a seaplane
around the Bay sound?

Wild but expensive.

Money means nothing to Tomás.

Although he does know his way
around a Groupon.

We'll be sipping champagne
and taking the sights

from 1,500 feet
above sea level.

- Oh.
- That's pretty high up.

Yes, Tomás is doing
his very best

not to think about that.

[engine guns haltingly]

- Oh.
- Is that a good sound?

I'm just still kind of
getting the feel of it.

Took it pretty slow
on the way over to our house.

[car console ringing]

Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna
let this go to voicemail.

He's probably just making sure

I'm taking care of his baby.

Tom, what are you doing?

- Oh, okay.
- I meant to hang up.

I'm just gonna say
what's up bro?

What's up is,
you stole my car.

Lupe just texted me.

No, no, I didn't.

The Post-It note I left

clearly states
that I'm borrowing it.

You don't even know
how to drive a stick.

- Yeah, I do.
- I learned in high school.

You stalled on a hill
and rolled backwards

into Katie French's
lemonade stand.

So I'll avoid hills.

- We live in San Francisco.
- It's nothing but hills, man.

- Hi Connor.
- I'm here too.

We will bring your car back
in one piece, I promise.

Oh hey, Marina.

At least
there's one adult in the car.

Just tell Dom Toretto over here

to back off
on the gas when he shifts.

- Right, that's it.
- Okay.

Good talking to you, man.
Let you go.

Jeez. Freak out much?

I'm still on, Tom.

- Right, okay.
- Bye for realsies.

[laughs]

All right, let's get
this wild night back on track.

- Was it off track?
- I didn't notice.

You know what?

Let's open this baby up,
see what she can really do.

Ooh.

Maybe a little fast though?

For Tomás,
there are no speed limits.

[siren wailing]

Well, legally, there are.

♪ ♪

Why are you replacing
our lesbian memoirs

with the Twilight books?

To demonstrate to Shamiah
that we honor hetero culture.

And that includes vampires?

I just think it would help
if we straighten up the place.

Get it, "straighten up"?

Oh, I got it.

I just chose not to react.

- Okay.
- Is Jane Austen gay?

- She never married.
- [laughs] Goodbye.

What about
this large ceramic owl?

Clearly gay.

Sarah, I want Shamiah
to come talk to us

just as much as you do,

but I don't think this is
the best way to go about it.

But we need to show her

that we understand
straight relationships.

So we're gonna watch
"The Bachelorette."

- [laughs]
- Just follow my lead, okay?

And then Tom was like,
"I'll avoid hills."

Hey guys, was ice cream fun?

Do you want to come and sit,
watch some TV with us?

Oh, you guys are a part
of Bachelor Nation?

You could have been in my
fantasy league this whole time.

Yeah, it's, like, one
of our favorite shows.

- Right, Lulu?
- Watch it every Thursday.

- Tuesday.
- Tuesday.

I've literally never seen you
watch it before.

What do you think we do
when you go to bed,

just, like, sit around
and knit?

Come sit.

Come on in here.

Oh, I hope she picks this guy

because he has the most...
The best muscles.

- You're nailing it.
- [softly] Thank you.

Joe...

Oh, wouldn't.

It's just
so many hunks to choose from.

You know,
how is she gonna pick?

I bet she wishes she could talk
to her parents about it.

That's what
the hometown visits are for.

I think I've got homework.

- No. Homework?
- No, we're talking hotties.

You know, your mom and I
were just talking about

which Chris is the foxiest.

And I think Hemsworth,
and then Evans.

What do you think, Lulu?

Chris... toph Waltz?

Pratt.

Ah, but there's Pine.

- This is officially weird.
- I'm going to my room.

Okay.

You'd think
I'd be better at this.

I pretended to be straight
for 18 years.

Oh, that's what
you were doing.

I mean, yeah. Yeah.

You guys... you crushed it.

For a second, I was like,

"Did I walk
into a sorority house?"

Have you guys ever met
a straight person before?

♪ ♪

My apologies, officer,
but Tomás is a rule breaker.

But not Tom,
who's very, very sorry.

And an organ donor, if that
helps me with anything over...

No. Okay.

Man, the seaplane leaves
in ten minutes.

We're going to miss it.
I'm sorry.

It's fine.

The high-speed chase
was exciting.

- No!
- Come on.

I promised you a wild night,
and I'm gonna deliver.

What about this place?

It seems badly lit
and potentially dangerous.

Seriously?

You wanna just walk in without
checking the Yelp reviews?

There's a guy passed out
in the curb.

Just one guy? Perfecto.

- Tomás!
- Stay close.

No idea
what's behind those doors.

[softly] Ay-yi-yi.

♪ ♪

Cash only?

It's 2021.
Who even uses cash anymore?

I always tell you
to carry some just in case.

Okay, first of all, germs.

Second, it makes it harder
to track expenses.

I'm not keeping paper receipts.

They're also covered in germs.

It's fine.

I appreciate that you tried.
I really do.

Let's go home and watch
"Love It or List It."

Or...

Pfft. Yeah, right.

No.

Sí.

Check out this meme.

- Oh, my God.
- You're savage.

I know.

If Shamiah won't confide
in us,

at least there's someone
in her life

she feels comfortable
talking to.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I could've used
a cool uncle growing up.

Mine was in
an all-synthesizer band.

Mine made his own yogurt.

Gross.

Hey, guys.
Can we talk?

- What's up?
- Pizza rolls ready?

- They're cooling.
- I just want to say,

we're sorry about
all the weirdness earlier.

We were just being silly
and feeling a little jealous

because Uncle Connor knew
about Cayden and we didn't.

- You told them about Cayden?
- You broke the code.

- No, I didn't mean to.
- It just slipped out.

Okay.

We just want to say that
we're always here to listen,

even if you think
that maybe we can't relate

to what you're going through
because we're gay.

Wait, what?

Why would I care about that?
I'm Gen Z.

Oh, then what is it?

I didn't wanna talk
to you about stuff

because you're my parents.

And you're, like, cringe.

Oh, that's it?

We're just cringe.
We're cringe.

Like all the other parents,
we're cringe.

Both: We're cringe,
we're cringe, we're cringe.

- See?
- Yeah, it's hard to watch.

Both: Cringe, cringe, cringe,
cringe, cringe...

Oh man.

- Sorry.
- We're just so relieved.

Yeah.

Now about Cayden,

just remember that you are
perfect just the way you are.

Okay?

Don't feel any pressure
to change yourself

to make a boy like you back.

Uncle Connor said
the same thing.

Well, you're lucky to have
such a cool uncle.

He also said I have
to step up my sneaker game

since boys love cool kicks.

So he's buying me
a pair of Pump Omnis.

Yeah.

- Whoa, okay.
- Okay, whoa.

I just didn't know
it was gonna hurt this much.

I... I can't look.
Is he almost done?

Ah, he's only on
the R of "Marina."

Come on. Come on.

Are you sure you can handle
the rest?

- No, you're worth it.
- You are so worth it.

And just... why is there
so much blood?

Hey, hey, hey.

Listen, I know tonight
didn't go as you planned,

but it means the world to me

that you put in
the effort, okay?

And this is
a really nice surprise.

Look, I promise to be more
into trying new things.

And I know I'm not
the sexiest guy in the world.

Honey, I know
who I married, okay?

I love Tomás,

and I would not mind
seeing him again,

but I am happy
to go home with Tom.

In fact, I've changed my mind.

I want to get "Tom"
instead of "Tomás."

Because she loves me
just as I am.

Absolutely.

And it's two letters shorter.
That looks very painful.

Ahh!

Oh, here's the bone.
He's at the bone!

He's on the bone.
[muffled grunt]

Ah!

[heavy percussive music]

[engine revs]

♪ ♪

[engine revs]

♪ ♪

You've been sitting
in my driveway for 30 minutes.

You're gonna return
the car, or...

Just have a minute
to say goodbye?

Sure, Tom.

Privately?

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

[imitating engine]