Home Economics (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 22 - Ticket to Space, $1 Million - full transcript

Ta-da!

"Home Economics"
by Tom Hayworth.

Cover design
fresh from the publisher.

- What do you think?
- I love it!

Congratulations, Tom.

It's so great.

Is that the font
you're gonna use?

- It is.
- Oh.

I just thought it was
going to be more swoopy.

And the arrows,
I don't know.

It feels a little
on the nose, right?



Like, this way is poor.
This way is rich.

- Right?
- We get it.

Is that me?
Where's my face?

It's like an abstract
representation of you.

Whoa, is this your book cover?

It is, what do you think?

Where are all the kids?

I'm feeling
very unseen right now.

Is that
the font you're gonna use?

Okay, well, I wasn't
really asking for feedback.

Okay, why don't you guys
head over to the park now?

Yeah, thank you.

You know what?
I'm in a good mood.

Nothing can burst
my bubble because



I'm finally
publishing this bad boy.

Well,
we are in a good mood too,

because we went to go
see a fancy baby doctor

and Denise got
a check up for a $15 copay.

Oh!

Thank you, Windmount Academy
health insurance.

They pre-warmed
the stirrups for me.

I felt like Nicole Kidman!

[laughter]

I know I was nervous
about this whole thing

at first,
but now I'm just so excited

to see a little Denise
running around.

Oh, hey,
Connor just rolled up.

Have you guys talked
in the last week?

He hasn't been
returning my calls.

Oh, he's probably bummed about
another failed relationship.

Yeah, he broke it off
with Vice Principal Lauren,

which is really
cause for a celebration.

Well, we should probably be
sensitive about it and not say,

you know,
another failed relationship.

'Cause he's probably
not handling it well, so...

[door creaks open]

- Hi!
- Hey!

Hey, Gretchen.

Is your dad coming?

Oh, he wanted
to make an entrance.

[door creaks open]

[dramatic music]

[♪ ♪]

Houston,
we have a problem.

[♪ ♪]

Your boy is going to space.

Oh, he's not handling it well.

[upbeat music]

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
*HOME ECONOMICS*

Season 02 Episode 22
Episode Title: "Ticket to Space, $1 Million"

Connor, what's going on?

You know,
you spend enough time

on this big blue marble of ours
and you want

to see things from
another perspective.

By marble, I meant Earth.

- Oh, my God.
- Connor, this is crazy.

What, just because I'm wearing
a space diaper, this is crazy?

You're wearing a diaper?

I gotta get used to it.

Hey, you guys
should be excited for me.

This was a hard thing to get.

Mark Cuban hooked it up.

Was it like,
Blue Origin or SpaceX?

Not, it's a start-up
called "Rockets-4-U".

Spelled with the number
"4" and the letter "U".

You're going on the maiden
voyage of a rocket start-up?

Of course not.
It's their second flight.

What happened
on their first one?

Oh, they're
very cagey about that.

Connor, this is so dangerous,
and such a waste of money.

Not to mention
the environmental impact.

I mean, what kind of world
are you leaving for baby Zephyr?

Zephyr?

Yeah, it was just a name
that I was trying out.

What do you think?

Oh, um,
I think we should just

hold off on baby names
until I'm pregnant.

Oh.

- It's a little early.
- Yeah, right, okay.

- Awkward.
- You're wearing a diaper.

Well, that's the price
you gotta pay to escape the bond

of gravity
and touch the face of God.

Come on,
you know nothing about space.

I'm the one who
went to Space Camp.

I still use the backpack.

I bet you can't even
name all the planets.

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars,

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus,
Neptune.

- Damn it.
- Yeah.

Looked it up
on the way over here

'cause I knew
you were going to ask.

Look, guys,
I'm going to space.

But first,

I'm going to the bathroom
because this diaper's chafing.

Can you help me up?

[grunts]

He's so desperate
to escape his problems

that he is literally
leaving Earth.

It's an identity crisis.

Tom, you know
what this calls for?

A roof sit.

Oh, good idea.

This one of those
weird Sacramento things?

Yeah, when we were kids
and something was bothering us,

we would crawl
out of a second story window

onto the roof to hash it out.

Yeah, like when Mom and Dad
wouldn't let Sarah

go to Lilith Fair.

Or when Tom got
a haircut that made him look

like Julie Andrews.

The roof was a place
we could blow off steam,

vent, shoot the breeze,

vibe check... get real.

It sounds entirely unsafe.

Meh, we almost never fell off.

I think a roof sit
is what Connor needs.

You should get him up there.

You know what, you're right.

I'm on it.

You stay out there
as long as you need, okay?

See?
Marina gets the roof sit.

No, it's a dumb idea.

I need your help
with a secret project.

[♪ ♪]

[sighs]

So, Tom, why the roof sit?

Is it 'cause your kids
don't respect you?

What? No.

Dead-end career?

No.

- Sexual problems?
- What? No!

The roof sit is for you.

[chuckles]
For me?

Why would I need a roof sit?
I'm about to be an astronaut.

Yeah, I'm about
to have a book come out.

But space?

I mean, come on, man.
Seriously?

Clearly, something else
is going on here.

- No.
- What are you trying to escape?

- What are you running away from?
- Nothin'.

- Connor.
- Nothing.

- Connor.
- Nothing.

- Connor.
- Nothing!

- Connor!
- Nothing!

- Connor...
- Okay, fine!

[sighs]

I don't know, I guess...

just, every relationship I've
been in this year has failed,

even one that was just

hot, wild, meaningless sex.

I messed that one up, too.

- You know what I mean?
- Oh, yeah.

No, I...
[scoffs]

I know what you mean.

Work's just not giving me
the high that it used to,

which is crazy because I'm...

I'm absolutely
crushing it right now.

Like, I'm making so much money.

You would see a check
and you'd be like...

- Like, a lot for the year.
- So back...

- Back to the space thing.
- Right.

But it's just like,
if I'm not going to find

meaning through
love or money, then...

Wait, you think
you're gonna find it up there?

One small step, Tom.

One giant leap.

Yeah,
I'm familiar with the quote.

Lance Armstrong.

Neil Armstrong...
Never mind.

Look, you have so much
incredible stuff that gives

your life meaning
right here on Earth.

You have an amazing daughter.
You have an insane house

that was briefly owned
by Matt Damon.

Where did Matt Damon
find meaning?

- Boston?
- Mars.

- Right.
- "The Martian."

So maybe I, too, can find
meaning amongst the stars.

Much like Damon.

McConaughey, Gosling...

A lot of people
have played astronauts.

- Clooney, Gyllenhaal.
- Yeah.

Hell, I'm sure Fassbender
spent some time up there.

Okay, coast is clear.

[table scraping]

Oh, this is
a beautiful desk, Marina.

I got it at a yard sale

and I refinished it at night
in the garage.

Ooh, where's it going?

So, you know how we discovered
there's an attic space up there?

Full of bats.
Can't forget.

I have been fixing it up
into a writing space.

So Tom doesn't have to work
in the twins' room?

That is so amazing.

So you want us
to move this up there?

With the three of us,
it'll be easy peasy.

This looks
neither easy nor peasy.

All I'm saying, man,
is there's a healthy way

to deal with what you're going
through and an unhealthy way.

And it feels to me like a rocket
ride might be an unhealthy way.

Because of all
the cosmic rays?

- [phone rings]
- No, that's not what I meant.

Hang on.

This is my agent,
I gotta take this.

Hi, Amanda.

Yes, I am sitting down.

That's normally what you say
when you have bad news, right?

This about the cover?

I asked for too many fonts,
didn't I?

Sorry, oh.

Oh.

What's she saying?

But the book's coming out,
right?

Mary signed my deal.

What's that mean,
tied up in bankruptcy?

It's a legal protection
from creditors

that allows you...

Okay, yeah, no.
Call me back later.

What just happened?

The publisher is going under.

"Home Economics" is now
an asset of a bankrupt company.

She said it might
not come out for years.

Might not come out at all.

You okay?

Sounds like you could
really use a roof sit.

It was a joke 'cause
we're already on the roof.

- [all groaning]
- Almost there!

Not almost there!

I thought you measured it?

I eyeballed it, sorry.

As an extra thank you, you can
have one of the kid's cribs.

- We're actually gonna co-sleep.
- What?

You want the baby
to sleep with us,

with my apnea
and your dream slapping?

Channel that energy
and give it one good shove.

How are we so not on
the same page about this stuff?

I mean,
we have a lot to talk about.

- Yeah, you think?
- And shove!

[all groan]

[grunts]
I think it's stuck.

That means I'm stuck too.

- [groaning]
- Are you even pushing?

Yes!

As hard as you were
pushing the name "Zephyr."

I was not pushing that name.

But, you know, as long
as we're saying crazy things,

why stop at sleeping
with the baby, huh?

Why not throw
Kelvin and Shamiah in there?

Just pack them in
like a Willy Wonka bed.

There have been studies!

[phone vibrating]

Oh, it's my doctor.

- You're on your own.
- Huh?

Hello?

Hey, Dr. Tenaga.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh.

You know what?

This is what happens when
you get your hopes up, you know?

When you allow yourself
to have a glimmer,

just... just
the tiniest glimmer of hope.

Hey, Tom,
if agreeing will make you

calm down and get
off the roof, sure.

I get it, universe!

I get it.

This is what
Tom Hayworth deserves, right?

A big, fat, nothing.

So, you know,
message received.

What about all
the roof sit wisdom

you were just dropping on me?

That was for you, not me!

Okay, but it applies to you
even more than it applies to me!

You have a great wife.

Yeah, who I'm constantly
letting down.

Awesome kids.

Are they?

- A nice house?
- This place?

This place is
an overpriced money pit,

which I never should
have bought... [yells]

Are you okay?

[stammers]
I'm stuck.

You're stuck?

Loud and clear, universe.

Loud and clear.

Tom?

Marina, what are you
even doing in the attic?

Uh, I'm setting traps.

Remember how they told us
we had bats and... and rats?

Yeah, okay, dude.

You gotta get me
out of here right now.

- Okay, I'm on it.
- One, two, three.

- [grunts, yells]
- Oh!

Come on! You're gonna
tear me in half, man.

Come on,
I'm not gonna tear you in half.

- That's like our last resort.
- What... ah!

- [grunts]
- Whoa, Marina!

Come on, guys,
we're going up, not down.

- Oh!
- Ah.

[both panting]

All right,
I'm calling the fire department.

Ow.

Never thought
I'd ask you this, but,

can't you make yourself
any thinner?

[gentle music]

[♪ ♪]

Do you want some tea?

All our petty little
arguments about

baby names and clothes,

and my dumb uterus
can't even carry a baby.

- Stupid body.
- Hey.

That's my wife's body
you're talking about.

I know.

It just sort of... let me down.

But they did say
my eggs were plentiful.

So that's great.

I'm so sorry, Lulu.

[sighs]

Tell me, what can I...
What can I do right now?

Can we just be sad
for a minute?

Yeah, let's just be sad.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Come here, babe.

[♪ ♪]

[sniffles]

So the fire truck's
on the way?

We were having
a classic roof sit

'cause I'm going to space
pretty soon, and...

I know, it's crazy, right?
Mark Cuban hooked it up.

Yeah, yeah, "Shark Tank."

I play poker with him, so...

Oh, no,
I'm sure it's a great idea,

but I wouldn't feel
comfortable telling...

Oh, wow.

So the... is the...
The whole shirt is a napkin,

or is it just the sleeves?

So there's
a very real chance

that the book might
never even come out.

Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I know.

I really poured my heart in this
one, I thought I had something.

Whether it gets published
or not, it's still a great book.

Your best work.

Yeah, but this
was gonna be the one

that changed things for us,
you know?

Now I'm just... stuck.

[chuckles]

I'm stuck.

Yeah, I'm stuck too.

What?

I said we'll figure it out.
We always do.

I still have my job.

Yeah, a job that you hate,

that you only took
so that I could write.

I gotta... I can't keep
doing this to myself.

Like one step forward,
three steps back.

We are trying so hard, Marina.

You and I are trying so hard,
all the time,

and it's like we're not even
treading water, right?

We're... we're drowning.

[♪ ♪]

Okay.

I'm done.

What did you say?

I think it's time
that I quit writing.

Hey, don't be crazy.
You are a writer.

No, it's okay.

I was a writer.

Now it's time
to be something else.

[♪ ♪]

We're gonna be okay.

We already have
two wonderful kids,

and our life is good.

And we don't need to complicate
it with little Zephyr.

Okay.
Which name did you want, hm?

Well, I never really
thought about it.

Mm.

I did have a list on my phone.

[chuckles]
Well, um...

save the list,

because I'm thinking,
what if I do it?

Do what?

What if I carry the baby?

You know, I figured
we could use your eggs,

and then I would carry it,
and then

the baby would truly
be both of ours,

which is what we talked about.

You would do that for me?

No.

I would do it for us.

- Okay.
- Okay?

[both laugh and cry]

I love you.
[both sniffling]

I get that this is
a huge disappointment,

but that doesn't mean
you stop writing.

They say you should
never make a big life decision

while you're stuck in a roof.

No, you know,
my mind's made up.

I'm gonna start teaching
full-time.

It's not a bad life.

Sure, but would that
make you happy?

I guess, yeah.

I mean, I get one of those
jackets with the elbow patches.

Those are cool.

I feel like
this is a conversation

I shouldn't be having
with your butt.

Oh, God, I wish
I was down there with you.

Me too.

[cracking]

Was that your ribs?

No, it's the roof.

No, I think everything's oka...

- [screams]
- [screams]

Oh! Tom?

[gasps]
Are you okay?

Did you die?
Are you dead?

Whoa.

Wait, what is this?

Oh, well,
it's not exactly

how I wanted to show you,
but...

Is this a writing space?

I refurbished
this old desk

and I wanted to put it there
until it got stuck...

- Till we got stuck.
- Marina, Marina.

[chuckles]
This is amazing.

Since we found the bats here,

I thought you could call it
your Batcave.

And Connor claimed Iron Man.

Well, I was Iron Man too.

- Well...
- You were both Iron Man.

No, I was Iron Man.

This is unbelievable.

I just... I can't believe
that you did all this for me.

I guess if you don't
want to write up here,

we could turn it back over
to the bats.

You know what?

"Home Economics" might never
come out,

but...

I think with a space like this,

I could write something else...
You know, something better.

Hey, I believe in you.

I believe in us.

We're a family
and we're gonna

get through this together
as a family.

[♪ ♪]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[table creaks, thuds]

Oh, wow, he did it!

I'm pretty sure
I loosened it up for him.

Everyone all right up here?

Oh, it's Malcolm!

Hey, Malcolm.

- You two know each other?
- Oh, he's...

He's the one who helped us
get rid of the bats.

He found this whole space.

Well, it looks
pretty good now.

- Cozy.
- Thanks. I did it myself.

Reclaimed cedar with
a pigmented shellac primer?

You know your furniture.

Well, you got me on those
home improvement shows.

- Really?
- Okay.

Do you do this for a living?

Oh, no.
It's... it's just a hobby.

Well, you could.

[scoffs]
Yeah, I wish.

Do you really wish that?

Well, you know how I love
crafting and design.

And for something I had to do
secretly at night

instead of sleeping,
the hours just flew by.

Well, hey, maybe you finally
found your salsa.

Huh.

I take it that's like
an inside joke?

It's a reference to when

I danced salsa
with my housekeeper.

What are you still
doing up there?

Um, ladder fell,

so I live up here now.
[chuckles]

Are you eating?

Yeah, gotta keep
protein bars in your pocket.

Astronaut 101.

[bright music]

[♪ ♪]

"Chapter one.

"Jameson Portsmouth
was the wealthiest tailor

in Nova Scotia."

No, that's... that's terrible.

"Jameson Portsmouth was
the most neurotic blacksmith

"in all of Des Moines...

"Or Joanna Portsmouth
belonged to an ancient society

of polyamorous librarians."

[phone rings]

Hey, Amanda.

No, no, I'm actually...
I'm working on a new book.

It's starting off pretty good.

Oh.

Yes, I'm sitting down.

Marina! Marina!

The book... the book, it...
Where the hell are you?

- [tapping on glass]
- Out here.

Oh.

Deep breaths.

- The book's coming out.
- What?

Yeah, it's crazy.
Amanda just called me.

Some Dutch media firm bought

the publisher out of bankruptcy
or something?

I don't even understand,
but the point is...

[panting]
The book is coming out!

They're back in business.

- So are we!
- Again?

- Yeah!
- [laughs]

- Oh.
- Whoops.

You know what?

I don't care.
I can buy yet another hoodie.

- We can afford it!
- Oh, yes!

[laughs]
Okay!

Yeah. Yeah!

To Sarah, and Denise,
and their amazing baby plan.

And to Tom,
publishing his book.

- [all cheering]
- Oh, well,

I always knew the universe
was looking out for me.

You guys want some pizza?

- Yes, please.
- Yeah.

I'll help.
I want the biggest piece.

It's me.
I'm the universe.

What?

The Dutch firm that bought

the publishing company
out of bankruptcy?

It was me.

You're a Dutch media firm?

Eh, it's one
of my shell companies.

I used the money I was gonna
spend on that space trip.

Connor, that's...
That's actually amazing.

Yeah, well,
the whole thing on the roof

made me realize what it is
that gives me meaning.

And it's this.

- Helping my family.
- Aw.

Wait, so you own
the publishing company?

51 percent.

Which means you're
in charge of Tom's book.

So you're like, his boss?

Yeah, I guess so.
Hadn't thought of it like that.

- Guess I'm Tom's boss now.
- Oh, no.

[mystical music]

Captain's log.

Still no signs of life.

Man, I thought I was
gonna be the captain.

No, you're
the payload commander.

What the hell is
the payload commander?

You command the payload.
I don't know.

Wait, do you hear that?

- [thumping sounds]
- Is that alien scum?

- Oh, no.
- ♪ Let's go ♪

- [kids grunting]
- We're under attack!

Oh!

Ugh, my suit's breached!

- Get 'em!
- Kill the earthlings.

They'll sleep well tonight.

Game over, man!
Game over!

♪ Ciara's in the house ♪

♪ Misdemeanor's in the house ♪

♪ Fat man Scoop-man,
Scoop-man Scoop ♪

♪ I got a cute face,
chubby waist ♪

♪ Thick legs, in... ♪