Home Economics (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Book Deal, Terms Negotiable - full transcript

Can I just say, Amanda,
you are the best agent

that a writer could ask for.

[chuckles]

Okay, I love you.
I... or... goodbye.

Thank you... I'm saying...
I'm hanging up now. Bye.

Honey!
- Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta.

The twins just fell asleep.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.
I'm too excited.

I just got off the phone
about the offers on my book.

- "Offers," plural?
- I know! I know.

[whispering]
I'm sorry. I know.



Regina Choi of Choi Books
wants to publish me.

- Regina Choi?
- Yeah.

She publishes Zadie Smith,
Jeffrey Eugenides.

Oh, wow, all the authors
you're jealous of.

You must be thrilled.

I was,

until I heard
the money she was offering.

Now she's dead to me.

But... drumroll please.

Oh, you actually want me
to do it?

Do you mind?

The second offer
is from Wide River,

the biggest
publishing house around!

No, are you actually
gonna make some money?



I know.
I'm as shocked as you are.

Apparently, they want my book
to launch a whole new imprint.

Oh, my God,
I'm leaving my body.

The publisher,
Monroe Davies,

he's a legend
in the book world.

He wants to have dinner with me
and Amanda tomorrow night.

Oh, you better
order everything

- and take pictures.
- It's crazy, right?

I mean, by this time next year,

we could walk into a bookstore

and see "Home Economics"

sitting right there
on the shelf.

And then I could pick it up
and pretend to read it

in front of customers
and say things like,

"That Tom Hayworth.
[chuckles]

He did it again."

That's not something
you actually do, is it?

No, no.
But I'm selling the book!

- You're selling the book.
- I'm selling the book!

Do you know what this means?

We can afford daycare.
We can finally fix the roof.

No more ghostwriting
for pathological liars.

No more endless moping
around the house

talking about your process.
- I know.

I'm the worst.
But I'm selling the book!

You're selling the book!

[babies wailing]

You know what?
I don't even care.

- Should we go tell 'em?
- Oh!

Hey, guys, guess what!

Both: We're selling the book!

[baby screaming]

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
*HOME ECONOMICS*

Season 02 Episode 21
Episode Title: "Book Deal, Terms Negotiable"

Want some coconut water?

I know for a fact
you need some electrolytes.

Dude, that was me at a four.

My electrolytes are fine.

You know, I'm not gonna lie,

I kind of like you
staying over here.

Because we do it
in the morning?

Yes, and also because when
Gretchen's at her mum's house,

this place gets,
like, eerily quiet.

They don't tell you about that

when you're buying
your divorce mansion.

You're really opening my eyes

to the struggles
of the millionaire class.

See?
It's not just sex.

You're learning about
another culture here.

Except it is just sex.

- Yeah.
- And it's so much better

than a real relationship.
- Yeah.

I mean, no needs
to attend to,

no feelings to protect.

No important talks.

I think this is the longest
conversation we've ever had.

Should we shut up
and get back to bed?

I would, but I'm starving.

Do rich people not have food?

This is, like, all garnish.

Why don't you stay
for brunch?

Oh, I don't know.
Your sister will be there,

and she's been super awkward
at work

ever since I told her we were
having nightly PTA meetings.

- Ah.
- The P stands for...

No, I know
what the P stands for.

We're not doing
anything wrong, though.

You should stay. We're adults.

All right.

I could house
a pan of cinnamon rolls.

Because you burned
all that energy.

So, again,
that was me at a four.

- Mm-hmm.
- 4.2 max.

Me too.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That's really good news.

[upbeat music]

[cork pops]

Congrats on the book, Tom.

I always knew you could do it.

In retrospect.

Anybody want
to make it a mimosa?

Thanks, but I don't dilute.

Respect. Sarah?

Your brother and I
squeezed the oranges

fresh this morning.

Really gave it
everything we got.

Yeah, we did.

Ooh, wow.
Yeah, no. No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

I want some.

Ooh, pulpy.
- Yeah.

Is that a quiche or a frittata?

Who cares? It's going in me.

Right, Sarah?
- Yeah, right.

[chuckles]
Boss.

Well, this is different.

We usually meet
your girlfriends

when they're putting
their clothes back on

or hiding in a closet, so yeah,

no, this is... this is progress.

Yeah,
she's not my girlfriend.

This is purely physical.
No strings attached.

- Dope.
- Yeah.

And you don't think
that this is

gonna blow up in your face?

That's the beauty of it,
Sarah.

There's nothing to blow up.

No feelings involved.

No risk.

She's my boss.

Oh, no risk to me.

- Oh.
- Yeah,

I thought that was clear.
[phone rings]

Sorry, guys, I got,
like, an unknown number.

Give me a sec.

Hello?
- Thomas!

Monroe Davies,
Wide River Books.

Calling you on my mobile phone
from my personal helicopter.

Mr. Davies, what an hon our.

I'm really looking forward
to our dinner tonight.

Me too.

I have to cancel.

Yeah, we're pulling the plug
on a novel

at the last minute,
and it's a whole to-do.

You're canceling
an entire book release?

Yeah, the author wrote a book
about her ex-husband,

and now he's suing
for defamation.

It's a nightmare.

But look, I'm still eager
to meet you

before I leave town.

How are you
with the right now of at all?

Now?

Like, "now" now? I don't know.

I mean, I'm in the middle
of brunch at my brother's.

Oh, perfect.

The famous
Hayworth family brunch.

Hey, tell me, does your brother
have a landing pad?

You know,
I actually have to ask.

You're all out of quiche,
so I think I'm gonna jet.

No problem.

Hey,
I have been working on a text,

and I'm gonna send it
around 9:00 p.m. tonight.

It goes, "You up?"

Well, that text is
gonna get a like.

Ooh.

Oh, my God, I hate this.

I didn't have time
to make fruit salad, okay?

I just stopped
at the gas station.

I'm trying my best.

Not the fruit salad.
Connor and Lauren.

Oh, because she's your boss?

You're afraid it's gonna
hurt your relationship?

No. I mean... Kind of.

But no, more importantly,
I just don't think

that this is good for Connor.

They seem happy.

Sexually.

Yeah, but he's just
not a casual guy, you know?

He's not a no-strings guy.
He's all strings.

Think you're gonna
have to let this one go, kay?

It's his life.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Is that...

Is that hot dog
in this fruit salad?

I know. It's really bad.

So this is
a very important publisher,

and the future of my book

and maybe even my life
depends on this going well.

He just canceled a whole book

because the people in the book
weren't cool with it.

You're all in my book.

You gotta be cool, okay?

We're cool.

Are you?

No, not really.

Honey, we've got your back.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, no, you're right.
You're right.

I just gotta kinda...
Whew, okay.

I'm cool. You're cool.

[children screaming]

Kids, could you maybe just
cool it with the Silly String?

I feel like
they're not being cool.

You guys gonna be cool?
- We're cool, Uncle Tommy.

[helicopter blades whirring]
- Oh, my God, he's here.

All right, don't freak out.

Just don't freak out, okay?

Don't freak out.
Don't freak out!

Nobody freak out!
I got this. It's all good.

Hello, hello!

Mr. Davies!

Please, call me Monroe.

Nice place. Little small.

Welcome.
This is... this is my family.

You know what?

I already know you
intimately from the novel.

Now, let's see.

This must be Elena,

the true crime-obsessed wife,

never far from a glass of wine.

This is... this is champagne.

And Colin,

the deep-pocketed himbo.

Yeah, I'll take it.

And of course, the lesbians!

- Bingo.
- We are that, yeah.

So great.

You know what,
it just feels special

to be embedded among you.

After reading Thomas's novel,

I felt like I was a Hayworth.

Oh, so you liked the book.

- I loved it.
- You...

Yeah, it's got humour, heart,

and the narrator, Tim,
what a hoot!

Oh, you love Tim?

I mean, who doesn't love Tim?
[chuckles]

Right?
He's such a weenie.

Oh.

[laughter]
- Okay.

I don't know if I'd say...

He's the biggest of weenies!

- He is.
- Okay.

Well, he's kind of based on...

A total weenie, yes!

Do you want
a closed book deal or not?

He's like a human doormat,
you know?

- Right?
- Oh!

Open the door
and there's Tim on the floor!

[laughter]

Sorry, Tim!

What a... what a piece
of human trash.

No, no, that's too far.

- Oh, okay.
- That's mean.

Mind if I get a splash?

Oh, of course.

You know,
we're all really excited

for Tom and for us,

'cause we've been
on this journey with him,

and it has been a long one.

That's a nice sentiment.

Truth be told,
the lesbian sister-in-law

is my favourite character.

Oh!

Okay, thank you.
[chuckles]

I mean, everyone else has
such big, brash personalities

just jumping off the page.

"Ooh, I'm so interesting,"

and "Pay attention to me!"

[chuckles]
And then there's you.

The nice one.

Oh.

Well, I'm more than just nice.
- Oh, of course.

I mean, you know,
you're also sensible,

practical, rational.

Okay, you're just
listing synonyms for nice.

Oh.

Well, they all apply.

Cheers.

Hey, could you pass
the pancakes?

Thank you so much.

And the syrup, can you...

Maple.

Thank you, trees.
[chuckles]

All right.

And also, I know it's been
a really hard year

since your divorce,
but this Lauren thing,

it's just not you.

And there it is.

Did you even want the syrup?

Sarah,
we have talked about this.

Connor is an adult.

Thank you, Marina.

[spits]

Ew, raisins?

Lupe.
- Just pick them off.

They've already
touched everything.

Okay, he's a semi-adult.

Oh, I just think

you're too soft-hearted
for a woman like that.

Why can't you just
let me make my own decisions?

You know, I swear, sometimes,

you're like the raisin
in the family.

[scoffs]
He just won't listen.

Can you blame him?

You just can't stop
getting into people's business.

That's not true.

Yes, it's all over
Tom's book,

like when you were ten
and you read his journal

to find out
who he had a crush on.

Well, I couldn't anticipate
it would be the school nurse.

You tried to break up
Lupe and the magician.

Magicians lie for a living!

Did Tom really put
all of that in the book?

Has no one else
read this book but me?

Hey, doesn't sound like

everyone's being cool
over here.

You guys cool?

Well, apparently
your book depicts me

as a interfering know-it-all.

Everything okay, Thomas?

Oh, yeah, no.

It's more than okay.

Or as you say in Australia...

Oh, no, come on now.
I'm from New Zealand.

Right, yeah, no,
I absolutely knew that.

Big fan of your...

distinct culture.

I actually know a lot
about New Zealand,

but I don't know wanna come
across as a know-it-all,

so go ahead.

Denise, little help here?

Oh, you want me
to be the rational one?

Practical, sensible, nice.

[tense music]

- Yes.
- 'Cause that's all I am

in the book, right?

The cool headed sister-in-law

who keeps everything chill.

I would point out that

she is my favourite character.

There's a lot more
going on with me.

I am complex.
- She contains multitudes.

You even gave Connor layers.

He's not just a vapid tech bro.

He's also a lonely divorcée
who's desperate for love.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I come off
desperate in the book?

Might need to crack
this bad boy open again.

Oh, my.

Anyone else unhappy with
their depiction in the book?

Let's just go around the horn
and dig in.

Oh, I've been
waiting for this.

Yeah, so have I.
[all shouting at once]

You have no right
to include me

in a book about your family!

I am not in your family!

You cannot be
telling my secrets.

[all scream]

Whoa, earthquake!

Earthquake.
Did everyone feel that?

Whoa, let's talk about that.

[tense music]

Kind of a wild day
at the Hayworths', eh?

Oh, this is normal.

You know how
in a pit of vipers,

sometimes they eat each other?

All too well.

I have a viper pit
on my property at Jackson Hall.

Really?

I'm actually somewhat
of an amateur herpetologist.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You know, Tom can still
make changes to the book.

He says he wants to add

an epilogue
before the afterword.

I don't know.
- I mean, I'm not mad at Tom.

He's right. I am the nice one.

The "peacemaker,"
because that's what

this family has made me.
- I get it.

Before I married
into the Hayworths,

I never used to drink wine.

I mean, I did,
but I didn't need to.

Everyone expects me
to be the mediator,

the voice of reason.

Do you know
how exhausting it is

to be empathetic all the time?

I do not.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

[chuckles]

Not that I need to know,
but is it about me?

Are you meddling
about whether

we're talking
about you meddling?

So you admit
you're talking about it.

Talking about what,
how I can't choose

a sexual partner without
my big sister's approval?

- That is not what I said.
- I mean, it sort of is.

Okay, Lulu, back me up here.

This Lauren thing
is not good for him.

No, no, Denise gets it.
Right, Denise?

Okay.
- Great.

You scared off my wife.

I scared off your wife?

Yes, you absolutely
scared her off!

Welcome
to the relaxation minute.

Take a deep breath
and listen to the ocean waves.

[waves crashing]
[children squealing]

You know what?
Not gonna be the peacemaker.

Feel the sand
beneath your toes.

I don't think
this is going well for you.

Should I do
another earthquake?

If you clean it up.

Well, Thomas,
I think I've seen enough.

No, Monroe, please
don't let them sink this.

Look, I was thinking about...
I could change the plot

to, like, a book about a guy
who runs away from his family

because they keep
crushing his dreams.

Why would I want that?
Your family's delightful.

So you're not worried
that they're gonna

sue for defamation
like with that other book?

Oh, no, with that one,

we actually were
defaming someone.

Yeah, the writer implied
her ex-husband was a cannibal.

Real wackadoo stuff.
But your family dysfunction?

I mean, that's the stuff
dreams are made of.

And money.
- So you're in?

As we say in New Zealand...

I'm in.
- [laughs]

That's great!
- Hooray.

Okay, don't touch.
- Okay.

Thomas, I love the book,
and I have a plan

for it to reach
as many people as possible.

Your novel will be the flagship
for our new imprint:

Wide River Audiobooks.

Okay, but there'll
still be a physical copy

I can hold in my hands, right?

No, no, audiobook exclusive.
Print is dead.

People will listen to this
as they go about their day

whilst they're scrolling
on Twitter

and making pizza pies.

Oh!
An audiobook. How exciting.

Tom, maybe... maybe you could
narrate it?

[chuckles]
I don't think so.

Listeners will need to know
it's a man speaking.

I'm hoping to get Joe Rogan.

So there'll be
no copy of the book

on my local bookstore shelf?

Nothing to sign?

I see this as next summer's
big beach read.

Sorry, beach listen.

Although I do think
it needs a better title.

"Home Economics" is a bit
of a snoozer, don't you think?

I want something
louder, buzzier.

What would you say
to "The Lesbians' Brother"?

Well, inclusion is good.

And representation matters.

There are two brothers,
though.

We'll only be focusing
on you, the rich, sexy one.

- Totally get that.
- And, of course, the lesbians.

You keep saying that.

See, I just don't know,
I think it feels...

I mean, a little crass.

Exactly.

Now you're thinking
like an author.

And I've even got some
mock-ups here for the cover.

Of course,
you'd have to imagine

it's a bit smaller
on the phone.

- Oh, my God.
- That's a lot of cleavage.

Wow, they even got
the abs right.

- Tantalising, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Imagine that on your phone.
I'd give that a listen.

So for the exclusive rights
to fully exploit

"The Lesbians' Brother"
on all audio platforms,

I'm prepared to make you
a generous offer.

Look, uh... okay.

Okay. Okay. Um...

What is a book, really?

I mean, you know,
you don't need to hold one

in your hand, right?
- Nope.

- It's got all those pages.
- Oof.

All those, like... you know,
you get the paper cuts.

Hold on a second.

Can I just steal my husband
for a minute?

[laughs]
Classic pushy Elena.

[laughing]
I love it.

This is hot stuff.

Real hot stuff.

- Connor!
- Yeah.

Tom, this isn't what you said
you wanted, like, at all.

Yeah, but this is everything
we've been working for.

We could finally get
the roof fixed.

We talked about daycare.
We could go on a vacation.

This is Tahiti money!

Tahiti's not the vibe.
More of a Tulum thing now.

But "The Lesbians' Brother"?

That is not you.
- Yeah, maybe not.

But I don't know,
maybe Monroe's right

and print is dead.

How can I say no to this deal?

Why can't I have money for...

Why can't I be
the Connor of this family?

Oh, Tom, no of fence,
it's a good deal,

but it's not Connor money.

Connor, not helping.
Sarah?

- Hmm?
- Can you... can you jump in?

Oh, I support
whatever decision Tom makes.

What?

Yeah, well,
I've been told recently

that I meddle too much,
so I'm gonna sit this one out.

No, Sarah, no.

Okay, yes, yes.
You meddle, yes.

You stick your nose
where it doesn't belong, but...

[tuts]
Let me finish.

But it comes
from a place of love.

And sometimes
your family needs it.

Okay, everyone here,
we all play a role

for a reason.

You're the meddler.
I'm the coach.

So get in there and meddle.

Yeah, okay.
I accept your apology.

[cracks knuckles]
I got this.

Tom. Tommy. Tommy, baby.

I know you better
than you know you, okay?

If you take this deal,

yeah, you'll probably
feel good today,

maybe even tomorrow,

but then guess who's knocking
at your door.

[raps desk]
It's your old pal, regret.

And you're gonna invite him in,

and he's gonna make himself
real comfortable.

And no amount
of poolside coladas in Tahiti

are gonna make him go away.

- Tulum.
- This arrangement is not you.

You're settling
because you're afraid

that this is the best
you can get,

and you deserve better,
and you know that.

[soft music]

You know what? You're right.

Thank you, Sarah.
- You're welcome.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Okay, enough.

Connor, I know
you heard what Sarah just said.

Maybe.

And you know that applies
to you as well as Tom.

You don't have to settle
for something

less than you deserve.

I guess.

And Sarah,
you know that sometimes

your advice comes off
a little...

Controlling.
Annoying. Judging.

All right,
we don't need that.

- Overbearing.
- No, we got it.

But it does come
from a place of love.

It really does.

I know.

Okay, so are we cool?

- Yeah, we're cool.
- We're getting there.

Okay, we're getting there.

I thought
you were done peacemaking.

Yeah, I thought
you were out of the game.

Had to do one last job
before retirement.

Mr. Davies, why are so many
of your YA fantasy books

about male protagonists

rescuing their
female counterparts?

Uh...
would you like a sweet?

Monroe, I'd like you to know,

I really appreciate you
coming here today

and your sincere interest
in my book.

And however much I might
want you to publish it,

I'm afraid I can't
sign this contract.

[both mouthing words]

Look, "Home Economics" isn't
some breezy beach listen

or salacious lesbian romp.

It's about a real family.

It's...

♪ ♪

It's about my family.

And that's why
people are gonna read it.

That's right. I said "read it."

Okay, pass me the contract.

No, you don't...

This is my last,
best, and final offer.

Oh, come on.

Come on.
Whew!

Oh, that's a very big number.
[sniffs]

That's a very big number.

Bigger than the other number,
which is already very big.

How about the marketing
and the audiobook?

That's non-negotiable.

I know it stings.

Just consider the money
a soothing ointment.

[helicopter blades whirring]

There's another helicopter.

Ah, most likely mine,

unless anyone else
is expecting.

No?
Right.

You'll be in touch.

[door clicks]

So I gave it a lot of thought
and I decided...

I'm in.

I want you to publish my book.

Well, that's fantastic, Tom.

You know, when your agent
didn't call us back,

I was sure
you'd been snapped up

by a bigger publisher
for a lot more money.

Oh, I didn't even
consider that for a second.

I'm sorry we can't
offer a bigger advance.

We can barely keep
the lights on over here.

But your book
is in loving hands.

Well,
that's what's important.

Thank you.
[line beeps]

Well, who needs Tahiti, right?

Next book.

[babies wailing]

Now that we've satisfied
one appetite,

should we move on to another?
- Actually,

I was thinking
now that we're all dirty,

we could do something
even dirtier.

Tell me more.

I'm thinking we slip
into some silk robes...

Okay.

Saunter on over
to the couch...

Mm-hmm.

Snuggle up...

Snuggle up?

Just, like, watch a movie.

Or like a...
Maybe a limited series.

That tickle documentary's

supposed to be
pretty messed up.

Maybe that show where they make
desserts out of other desserts.

So, Connor, is this a date?

Would that be
the worst thing?

I mean,
it's just not who we are.

[sighs]

But I think it's who I am.

As annoying as my sister is,
I think she was right.

Here we go again.

Why do men always have
to talk to their sisters?

Okay.

I'm gonna eat these
in the bath.

They're tub ribs now.
- That's fair.

- Best of luck.
- See you at school.

[door slams]
That'll be fun.