Home Economics (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - FaceFlop App, $1.99 - full transcript
Chapter 22.
Sarah had her heart set
on directing
the spring musical
at Windmount Academy,
so she volunteered to host
the art department fundraiser
at Connor's house
to help her get the job.
Despite the pressure,
she was handling things well.
So everyone remember
for tonight,
the dress code is smart casual.
- Does that mean I can wear a...
- No hoodie.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
I just... I really want tonight
to be perfect, that's all.
I had no idea
you loved musicals so much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I know my "Follies"
from my "Fantasticks."
But by the ninth grade,
our mother, the great thespian,
had critiqued
all of the joy out of it.
So directing this show is my
chance to reclaim that glory.
I bet you were
a cute Peter Pan.
Oh.
I was breathtaking.
Remember when Mom
made us audition
for "Annie Get Your Gun"?
I've blocked it out.
Matching outfits.
Blocked it out, Tom.
Also, fair warning:
Mom and Dad will be there.
Oh, no. Why?
I mentioned it.
Mom heard musical theater,
Dad heard
unlimited pigs in a blanket,
and now
there's no stopping them.
So have you decided
how you're gonna get pregnant
and forever alter
the course of your lives?
Well, it's still early,
but we are looking
at sperm donors.
The clinic lets you
scroll through
and look at exactly
what you want.
- Ooh.
- Huh.
Yeah, it's like Build-A-Bear
but for dads.
- Check out our top pick.
- A multilingual bassoonist.
130 IQ, left-handed,
ample body hair.
Oh, uh,
we'll probably keep looking.
Yeah.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
*HOME ECONOMICS*
Season 02 Episode 15
Aired on: March 02, 2022.
Episode Title:
"FaceFlop App, $1.99"
You can just put that
right down the hall,
next to the bathroom.
Thank you so much.
Ladies, hi!
Can you put those
in the center of the tables?
Thank you so...
much.
- Lupe?
- Hmm?
Is that how he's
arranging those?
- Don't worry, I got it.
- Thank you.
You're on door duty.
So the goal for tonight
is to impress Allison,
the head of school.
Should we go over your lines
one more time
before she arrives?
I think we're good, right?
Oh, um, wow, that Sarah
sure can handle
responsibility.
That Sarah
is a creative dynamo.
Is there such a thing
as raising too much money?
Well, I guess we'll find out
with that Sarah in charge.
Very natural.
Good, I feel good.
- That's good.
- Oh, by the way,
you can forget
about the hairy bassoonist.
We have fallen
for a travel writer
who speaks five languages.
Oh.
Two of those languages
are Dothraki and Elvish.
- Dothraki?
- Yikes.
- Yeah.
- Mm, yeah, swipe left.
I don't think
it works that way.
- Oh, no, it does.
- Everything does these days.
It's too bad they
don't have the technology
to just mash two eggs together
to make a baby.
- Ooh, like a lesbian omelet.
- Gross.
But yeah,
I mean, it'd be nice
if we both shared DNA
with the baby.
Well, some people do use
family members
as donors, which we could try.
That would mean Tom
or Connor stepping up.
Huh.
So we'd have to...
Oh, sex is not involved.
Okay, yeah, no sex.
Yeah, obviously
sex is not involved.
Wait, so...
So Tom or Connor would be
the father/uncle to their
son/daughter/nephew/niece.
Whew, that's a lot
of slashes.
Yeah, so many slashes.
Too many?
I mean, it's a lot
to process.
It'd be kind of...
- amazing.
- Complicated... amazing!
- Right?
- Yes.
I mean, my sperm,
Denise's egg.
That kid'd be unstoppable.
Totally.
And that would... that would...
Wow, that would be
such a beautiful act.
But, oh! You...
Tom got a vasectomy.
So no more gas in that tank.
No, honey, remember?
Before the procedure,
the doctor froze
some samples for us,
just in case.
Right. Thank you so much
for reminding all of us.
Either way, that would be
a mute point,
because Sarah and Denise would
obviously go with my sperm.
Oh, would they?
Well, first of all,
it's not a mute point.
It is a moot point,
which is exhibit A
as to why the superior choice
would obviously be
my sperm.
Can we stop using that word?
Fine, because
the choice is clear.
It would be me and my s...
Spice.
My spice.
Okay, guests are arriving,
so can we argue
about this later
- or never?
- Yeah.
♪ I'm so happy
that my sweetie ♪
♪ Said that she'll be ♪
♪ Said
that she'll be ♪
♪ Mine forever ♪
They were very pitchy.
Let's hear it for the
Windmount Alumni Singers, huh?
Chills, I have chills!
Quite an event, Sarah.
- Brava.
- It's not about me, though.
It's about the school.
By the way, I heard
that you need a director
- for the spring musical.
- Yes.
Sweet, dear Mrs. Agatone
is finally retiring.
Well, that... that directing
job, it sounds like a...
Like a really exciting
opportunity.
That's what Mr. Zarrow
said too.
- Mr. Zarrow.
- Mm-hmm.
The algebra teacher?
Yes, he played Tevye
in an off-Broadway
production
of "Fiddler on the Roof."
In fact, he's auctioning off
that fiddle tonight.
Super.
Super.
Cool, cool.
Uh, the truth is,
I wanted to...
Throw my chapeau
in the ole ring-a-ding
as well.
I wanted...
My ring... the ring...
I wanted to throw
my hat in the ring.
Oh!
How fun.
You know, I did some
performing back in the day.
I don't know
if you're familiar
with the Sacramento Playhouse?
Once upon a time,
I trod the boards
in a little ole show
called "Les Mis."
Oh, that was a dream.
Mother and daughter
in the classic tale
of justice and redemption.
I played Fantine,
Sarah was young Eponine.
She didn't have any lines
and a wee bit of stage fright,
but she really sang
the loudest.
Thank you for that, Mom.
Should we take a lap?
Let's take a lap.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How do you feel
about the spice thing?
I don't know.
It seems kinda wrong.
- It's incredibly wrong.
- Thank you.
I mean, how could they
even consider
choosing Connor over me?
It's crazy.
Right?
Of course, that.
But also, um,
I just don't love the idea.
You'd be the father
of your sister's child.
Their kid would be your kid.
Where would the boundaries be?
Yeah, I guess
it'd be complicated.
I mean, it'd be such
an amazing gift to them.
There are so many
other gifts we could get them...
A gravity blanket.
Oh, my God, I love those.
Feels like you're getting
a warm hug.
I would just hate
to disappoint her.
Well, look, nothing has
to be decided tonight, okay?
Just try to keep an open mind.
Right,
I'll try and be supportive.
- So freakin' supportive.
- That's the spirit.
Hey, guys. Hey!
Have you said hello
to Allison yet?
- Hey.
- Hi, it's good to see you.
Oh, and yeah, we were just
talking about you, Sarah.
- Weird that you...
- Oh, weird.
Just walked up,
'cause I was saying that
my favorite quality
about you is your...
stick-to-itiveness.
And I was like, "Really?
'Cause for me, it's all about
her creative vision."
Guys, stop it.
You're embarrassing me.
That's so nice
and so unexpected.
Thank you.
Look, of course I'd be
Sarah and Denise's choice.
Look at my SAT scores.
Plus, I mean,
I was on "Jeopardy!"
- "Teen Jeopardy!"
- Still counts.
I'm the complete package,
all right?
Looks, personality.
I got in early on Tesla.
I got out of GE at its peak.
I clearly have the better DNA.
Okay.
What does DNA stand for?
What does DN...
Definitely nice abs.
Thanks, Magic Mike.
It's deoxyribonucleic acid.
Let's see those abs, come on.
Whip 'em out.
No, come on. I haven't worked
out lately. I was sick.
You've been sick
your whole life?
I'm sick of you.
Are you talking about
that ridiculous donation idea?
How do you know about that?
Even in a crowded party,
your mother homes in
on the best gossip.
She hears a word
like "sperm" and,
fwwt, like a bat.
Spice.
We're calling it spice now.
I don't care
what you call it.
- It's perverse.
- Well, Mom,
there wouldn't be
any sex involved, okay?
Denise was clear about that.
Yeah, I don't think
it's an issue, sweetie.
Look, Denise
isn't a blood relative.
And I know
for a fact that we
Hayworth men
are top-notch donors.
How do you know that, Dad?
Oh-ho-ho, my swimmers
have been tested.
Remarkable motility.
Yeah, I may be old, but...
the spice can still cook.
- Great. I'm never gonna...
- Gross.
Stop throwing up.
Hey.
Oh, hey, anything good?
That ski trip looked great,
if you wanna take out
a 30-year loan.
Hey, thanks again
for being so open
to the whole spice thing.
I know it was
probably like, "Whoa."
"Whoa, that's awesome."
- Okay.
- Yes!
I mean, even though
it's a hypothetical,
I'm still moved by the idea
that the baby could be
genetically half me
and half Sarah.
Me too.
And we really wanna help.
Tom would be the father
and uncle to the same child.
How many guys
can say that, huh?
I'd be
the aunt/stepmother.
Well, Sarah and I
would obviously be the moms.
- Yes.
- But...
we would want you
to play a big part.
It'd be weird
if we didn't, right?
I mean, we're already
such a big happy family.
It'd be like that, just...
times a million.
Times a million.
Yeah. Okay.
♪ When I was a lad,
I served a term as ♪
♪ Office boy
to an attorney's firm ♪
♪ I cleaned the windows,
and I swept the floor ♪
♪ And I polished up the handle
of the big front door ♪
♪ He polished up the handle
of the big front door ♪
♪ I polished up the handle
so carefully ♪
♪ That now I am the ruler
of the queen's navy ♪
You're a smooth operator,
aren't ya, algebra man?
- Hey.
- Yeah?
Uh, I know I'm the one
who brought it up.
But I'm having
second thoughts
about using your brothers
as donors.
Just, like, second thoughts,
third thoughts,
- a lot of thoughts.
- Okay. It was just an idea.
We haven't even
talked it through.
And I don't wanna do anything
that you're uncomfortable with.
Yeah, I just...
I'm just worried about having
the donor so...
present.
But Marina is really into it.
She's, like,
so freakin' supportive.
But how do you tell someone
you're not sure
if you wanna have
her husband's baby?
Well, that sounds
like a really
tough conversation that you
probably shouldn't have here.
I'm sorry,
am I distracting you?
Honestly, yes.
I love you so much,
but right now, I'm just worried
that I'm losing
this directing gig.
Well. Just get
onstage and sing.
- You're better than this guy.
- Oh, no, no, I'm not.
I mean, he's really good.
No, you're right. I am.
This whole thing's so stupid.
I mean, how could we prove
who's superior anyway?
- There's no way to measure it.
- Yeah.
Hypothetically, how can we even
figure out who's better?
Two.
Ooh.
Come on.
Come on.
No, I got it! I got it.
- One.
- Whoo.
Now, you like math,
so let's see, I did ten.
Okay, yes, you can
bench-press more than me.
And you beat me
at arm wrestling
even though my elbow slipped.
Your elbow did not slip.
But I destroyed you
at trivia.
The app rated me an Einstein.
What did you get?
Let's see.
Oh, yeah,
"Thanks for playing."
- That's just the app being nice.
- So you know nerd facts.
Big deal. "Oh, oh, I'm Tom.
Look at me.
I know that Benjamin Franklin
wasn't 'technically'
a president."
Stop saying "technically."
He just... he wasn't.
Technically.
What? Okay.
Look, Sarah and Denise...
This isn't about them
anymore, okay?
It's about you and me.
It's about how you're always
trying to make me feel
like I'm less of a man.
No, it's about how you
always roll your eyes at me
every time
I don't know something.
Yeah, just like that.
You just did it,
and with the little
head shake too.
The full Tom.
I think you would love.
It'd probably go for
a lot of money, though,
so you might want
to get on that.
Hey, this is
quite the fundraiser.
I would even call it
a fun-raiser.
So happy to support
the arts at Windmount.
I'll do anything
to help out these rich kids.
Oh, are you
a parent at the school?
Hmm?
Oh, no, I was just avoiding
an awkward conversation.
Sorry.
Are you going
to sing tonight?
I am, I think, maybe.
It doesn't quite sound
like you've settled on a key.
- Mom, I'm doing my best.
- Hey, I'm not criticizing.
That's exactly
what you're doing.
Oh, pardon me
for trying.
Mother pheasant plucker
plucks mother.
So how do you rank
the kids at Windmount,
you know, to figure out
which one's the best?
It's gotta be, like,
academic ability, right?
No, no, probably,
like, a all-around thing,
you know,
which kids just got it.
I can assure you we would
never rank our students.
- Mm.
- I know you have to say that
to the parents,
but between us, come on.
If this is about Gretchen,
she's doing very well.
Oh, no, that's cool.
But no, this is this about
him and I.
- It's "him and me."
- Very good, Tom.
- Damn it.
- Nice.
Hey, hey.
Guys, what is happening?
Allison, have you tried
the crab cakes, by the way?
Because they are going
like hotcakes.
So you better
go get some, girl.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Head on... head on over there.
Guys?
What, we're just
trying to figure out
which one of us is the best.
Yeah, for the spice thing.
- The sperm.
- Yeah, spice is sperm.
I know.
Look, neither of you is better.
Now, leave Allison alone, and
stop screwing up my fundraiser.
- Sorry.
- Fine.
If you want to be of use,
go help Lupe with the dishes.
Go!
Sarah said
we should help you.
Oh, great...
Thank you, Sarah.
I can load the dishwasher.
Nah, I'll do it.
I'm faster.
Come on, man,
it's not about speed.
Seeing how many dishes
you can load in a dishwasher
is a good test
of spatial reasoning.
So it's a test
of the mental and the physical.
You go first. I'll time you.
Let's do this.
Done.
- 4:16.
- Oh!
A tie, really? Come on.
- Best two out of three?
- Yeah.
Are you taking
dirty dishes
out of the dishwasher?
Uh, it's complicated.
Get out of my kitchen.
Out, out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So having
a dish-loading race
to see who's got
the strongest spice.
No.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, there's no point
in that.
There's a science to this.
You know,
back when I was at MIT,
my frat brothers and I
got to wondering
which one of us
is the best genetic specimen.
- Frat life.
- Yeah.
So we came up with the
Higgs-Nathanson Reflex Test.
It's a measure of both
mental and physical acuity
to help you determine
- superior DNA.
- How's it work?
Well, try to follow me here.
Subject one
extends his extremities
in a rigid position, like so.
Subject two
extends his extremities
palms up
underneath subject one's.
Subject two then attempts
to make forceful contact
with subject one prior
to subject one retracting.
Brains, brawn,
it takes them both.
- Yeah... Dad, that's slapsies.
- You say what?
You just described slapsies.
It's a game kids
have been playing forever.
I don't think so.
We got a research grant
for this.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Where have you been?
- Oh, just mingling.
- Yeah, me too.
Funny story, I put in a bid
for the wine weekend in Napa.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
But I'm having
second thoughts.
You know
when something seems like
it's a great idea at first,
but then you think about it,
and you're not so sure?
Has that ever happened to you?
Uh, well, not with wine.
But are you having
second thoughts about
the spice donor thing?
No.
- Nope. I'm all in.
- Great. Same.
- Hey-o.
- Hey-o!
So I got this great app
for the kids.
It combines faces, right?
I mean, they usually use it
with themselves and the cat.
How would you like to see
maybe Tom's and your kid?
- That's okay.
- Oh, I don't think anyone
wants to see that.
Oh.
Okay. How about
Connor's and Denise's kid?
- Uh, no, thanks.
- Please, no one wants this.
Oy.
- Oh.
- That's really bad.
I paid $1.99
for this damn thing.
Did you just...
You just... you just said,
"No one wants this."
Um, I know your heart
was set on it.
And it would be
such a noble act.
But I have been
thinking about it,
and I'm not sure
I wanna do it.
Oh, my God.
- Me neither.
- You don't?
- No, it's a bad idea.
- It's the worst idea!
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry! I love you!
I love you too.
I just didn't wanna hurt
your feelings.
I didn't wanna hurt
your feelings.
From now on,
let's promise to always hurt
each other's feelings.
Always.
Attention, everyone.
I am proud to announce
that we raised
more money than ever before!
Huh?
Take that, last year
and every other year.
And on a personal note,
I just wanna say
that I have been
so inspired watching
all these performers
here tonight.
It just reminds me that...
Here we go.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.
♪ I'm just a Broadway baby ♪
Smile. Yeah.
♪ Walkin' off my tired feet ♪
Breathe through
the diaphragm.
♪ Pounding 42nd Street ♪
♪ To save on my dough-oh ♪
Dad's a trip, huh?
Kinda makes you doubt MIT.
♪ Learning how to sing
and dance ♪
- Oh, we doin' this?
- Oh, we're doing this.
Unless you're chicken.
Chicken like a fox.
- What?
- I-I don't know.
♪ Oh, gee ♪
♪ I'd like to be ♪
♪ On some marquee ♪
♪ All twinklin' lights ♪
My turn.
Yeah.
♪ I don't need a lot ♪
♪ Only what I got ♪
Ow!
♪ Plus a tube
of greasepaint ♪
♪ And a follow spot ♪
♪ I'm just a Broadway baby ♪
Ah, I get a freebie.
Ooh.
- ♪ If I stick it long enough ♪
- Are you serious?
♪ I may get
to strut my stuff ♪
Oh!
Ooh.
I'm okay.
Tevye's fiddle.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I'm gonna pay the highest bid.
Actually, Connor's
gonna pay the highest bid.
♪ Show ♪
Whoo!
- Okay, Sarah.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And that's a good night
on the Windmount fundraiser.
Look, obviously
it goes without saying
that we're so sorry.
Slapsies, really?
Well, technically,
it's called
the Higgs-Nathanson
Reflex Test.
Hey, at least
your singing was amazing.
Okay. I wanna hear
more about that later.
But right now, I have to go
say goodbye to Allison and...
probably this directing job.
God, I can't believe
we broke the dishwasher.
This is so stupid.
Sarah and Denise could
pick either of our spices.
The kid'd turn out fine.
Yeah. I mean,
we both have great kids.
Yeah.
I can't believe
how much you can bench.
I can't believe
how much information
you can store
in that brain of yours.
You're like a human Google.
Well, you know, Google
doesn't house information.
It just kinda searches for...
Yeah, no. Thank you.
It's crazy,
we spent our whole lives
competing
against one another.
Yeah, it's like
we define ourselves
against each other.
Why are we like this?
There they are!
My big strong jock
and my boy genius.
Did you guys figure out
who's the better man?
Well...
asked and answered.
Oh, Allison.
I'll see you at school.
And I'm sorry again
about everything.
Oh.
We made a lot of money.
And that's what's important.
By the way, if you want
to direct the spring musical,
- the job's yours.
- Wait, really?
- Even after all that?
- Absolutely.
You showed me
you can definitely handle
a kids' musical.
I mean, dealing
with out-of-control children,
overbearing parents.
Plus, I liked
how you directed
your entire family
to say nice things about you.
Oh, you noticed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night, Mr. Zarrow.
Good seeing you.
I'm directing
the musical!
That's great.
You're welcome!
Hey, so what do I have to do
to get Gretchen
a lead role in this play?
You know, I'm not the only
performer in the family.
Huh.
Do you remember what song
your mom made you
audition with?
Well, it was just...
It was so long ago.
Yeah, and we were both
so young.
Yeah.
Are you chicken? Because...
♪ Anything you can do,
I can do better ♪
♪ I can do anything
better than you ♪
- No, you can't.
- Oh!
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
♪ Yes, I can,
yes, I can ♪
Yes, you can, Tom.
♪ Anything you can be,
I can be greater ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪
- ♪ Yes, I am ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
- Not.
- I am.
- Oh, yeah?
- I really am.
I've never been
more embarrassed
to share DNA with them.
We've been
going over this all day.
- Why don't you prove it?
- Okay.
Okay.
Sarah had her heart set
on directing
the spring musical
at Windmount Academy,
so she volunteered to host
the art department fundraiser
at Connor's house
to help her get the job.
Despite the pressure,
she was handling things well.
So everyone remember
for tonight,
the dress code is smart casual.
- Does that mean I can wear a...
- No hoodie.
- Okay.
- Sorry.
I just... I really want tonight
to be perfect, that's all.
I had no idea
you loved musicals so much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I know my "Follies"
from my "Fantasticks."
But by the ninth grade,
our mother, the great thespian,
had critiqued
all of the joy out of it.
So directing this show is my
chance to reclaim that glory.
I bet you were
a cute Peter Pan.
Oh.
I was breathtaking.
Remember when Mom
made us audition
for "Annie Get Your Gun"?
I've blocked it out.
Matching outfits.
Blocked it out, Tom.
Also, fair warning:
Mom and Dad will be there.
Oh, no. Why?
I mentioned it.
Mom heard musical theater,
Dad heard
unlimited pigs in a blanket,
and now
there's no stopping them.
So have you decided
how you're gonna get pregnant
and forever alter
the course of your lives?
Well, it's still early,
but we are looking
at sperm donors.
The clinic lets you
scroll through
and look at exactly
what you want.
- Ooh.
- Huh.
Yeah, it's like Build-A-Bear
but for dads.
- Check out our top pick.
- A multilingual bassoonist.
130 IQ, left-handed,
ample body hair.
Oh, uh,
we'll probably keep looking.
Yeah.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
*HOME ECONOMICS*
Season 02 Episode 15
Aired on: March 02, 2022.
Episode Title:
"FaceFlop App, $1.99"
You can just put that
right down the hall,
next to the bathroom.
Thank you so much.
Ladies, hi!
Can you put those
in the center of the tables?
Thank you so...
much.
- Lupe?
- Hmm?
Is that how he's
arranging those?
- Don't worry, I got it.
- Thank you.
You're on door duty.
So the goal for tonight
is to impress Allison,
the head of school.
Should we go over your lines
one more time
before she arrives?
I think we're good, right?
Oh, um, wow, that Sarah
sure can handle
responsibility.
That Sarah
is a creative dynamo.
Is there such a thing
as raising too much money?
Well, I guess we'll find out
with that Sarah in charge.
Very natural.
Good, I feel good.
- That's good.
- Oh, by the way,
you can forget
about the hairy bassoonist.
We have fallen
for a travel writer
who speaks five languages.
Oh.
Two of those languages
are Dothraki and Elvish.
- Dothraki?
- Yikes.
- Yeah.
- Mm, yeah, swipe left.
I don't think
it works that way.
- Oh, no, it does.
- Everything does these days.
It's too bad they
don't have the technology
to just mash two eggs together
to make a baby.
- Ooh, like a lesbian omelet.
- Gross.
But yeah,
I mean, it'd be nice
if we both shared DNA
with the baby.
Well, some people do use
family members
as donors, which we could try.
That would mean Tom
or Connor stepping up.
Huh.
So we'd have to...
Oh, sex is not involved.
Okay, yeah, no sex.
Yeah, obviously
sex is not involved.
Wait, so...
So Tom or Connor would be
the father/uncle to their
son/daughter/nephew/niece.
Whew, that's a lot
of slashes.
Yeah, so many slashes.
Too many?
I mean, it's a lot
to process.
It'd be kind of...
- amazing.
- Complicated... amazing!
- Right?
- Yes.
I mean, my sperm,
Denise's egg.
That kid'd be unstoppable.
Totally.
And that would... that would...
Wow, that would be
such a beautiful act.
But, oh! You...
Tom got a vasectomy.
So no more gas in that tank.
No, honey, remember?
Before the procedure,
the doctor froze
some samples for us,
just in case.
Right. Thank you so much
for reminding all of us.
Either way, that would be
a mute point,
because Sarah and Denise would
obviously go with my sperm.
Oh, would they?
Well, first of all,
it's not a mute point.
It is a moot point,
which is exhibit A
as to why the superior choice
would obviously be
my sperm.
Can we stop using that word?
Fine, because
the choice is clear.
It would be me and my s...
Spice.
My spice.
Okay, guests are arriving,
so can we argue
about this later
- or never?
- Yeah.
♪ I'm so happy
that my sweetie ♪
♪ Said that she'll be ♪
♪ Said
that she'll be ♪
♪ Mine forever ♪
They were very pitchy.
Let's hear it for the
Windmount Alumni Singers, huh?
Chills, I have chills!
Quite an event, Sarah.
- Brava.
- It's not about me, though.
It's about the school.
By the way, I heard
that you need a director
- for the spring musical.
- Yes.
Sweet, dear Mrs. Agatone
is finally retiring.
Well, that... that directing
job, it sounds like a...
Like a really exciting
opportunity.
That's what Mr. Zarrow
said too.
- Mr. Zarrow.
- Mm-hmm.
The algebra teacher?
Yes, he played Tevye
in an off-Broadway
production
of "Fiddler on the Roof."
In fact, he's auctioning off
that fiddle tonight.
Super.
Super.
Cool, cool.
Uh, the truth is,
I wanted to...
Throw my chapeau
in the ole ring-a-ding
as well.
I wanted...
My ring... the ring...
I wanted to throw
my hat in the ring.
Oh!
How fun.
You know, I did some
performing back in the day.
I don't know
if you're familiar
with the Sacramento Playhouse?
Once upon a time,
I trod the boards
in a little ole show
called "Les Mis."
Oh, that was a dream.
Mother and daughter
in the classic tale
of justice and redemption.
I played Fantine,
Sarah was young Eponine.
She didn't have any lines
and a wee bit of stage fright,
but she really sang
the loudest.
Thank you for that, Mom.
Should we take a lap?
Let's take a lap.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How do you feel
about the spice thing?
I don't know.
It seems kinda wrong.
- It's incredibly wrong.
- Thank you.
I mean, how could they
even consider
choosing Connor over me?
It's crazy.
Right?
Of course, that.
But also, um,
I just don't love the idea.
You'd be the father
of your sister's child.
Their kid would be your kid.
Where would the boundaries be?
Yeah, I guess
it'd be complicated.
I mean, it'd be such
an amazing gift to them.
There are so many
other gifts we could get them...
A gravity blanket.
Oh, my God, I love those.
Feels like you're getting
a warm hug.
I would just hate
to disappoint her.
Well, look, nothing has
to be decided tonight, okay?
Just try to keep an open mind.
Right,
I'll try and be supportive.
- So freakin' supportive.
- That's the spirit.
Hey, guys. Hey!
Have you said hello
to Allison yet?
- Hey.
- Hi, it's good to see you.
Oh, and yeah, we were just
talking about you, Sarah.
- Weird that you...
- Oh, weird.
Just walked up,
'cause I was saying that
my favorite quality
about you is your...
stick-to-itiveness.
And I was like, "Really?
'Cause for me, it's all about
her creative vision."
Guys, stop it.
You're embarrassing me.
That's so nice
and so unexpected.
Thank you.
Look, of course I'd be
Sarah and Denise's choice.
Look at my SAT scores.
Plus, I mean,
I was on "Jeopardy!"
- "Teen Jeopardy!"
- Still counts.
I'm the complete package,
all right?
Looks, personality.
I got in early on Tesla.
I got out of GE at its peak.
I clearly have the better DNA.
Okay.
What does DNA stand for?
What does DN...
Definitely nice abs.
Thanks, Magic Mike.
It's deoxyribonucleic acid.
Let's see those abs, come on.
Whip 'em out.
No, come on. I haven't worked
out lately. I was sick.
You've been sick
your whole life?
I'm sick of you.
Are you talking about
that ridiculous donation idea?
How do you know about that?
Even in a crowded party,
your mother homes in
on the best gossip.
She hears a word
like "sperm" and,
fwwt, like a bat.
Spice.
We're calling it spice now.
I don't care
what you call it.
- It's perverse.
- Well, Mom,
there wouldn't be
any sex involved, okay?
Denise was clear about that.
Yeah, I don't think
it's an issue, sweetie.
Look, Denise
isn't a blood relative.
And I know
for a fact that we
Hayworth men
are top-notch donors.
How do you know that, Dad?
Oh-ho-ho, my swimmers
have been tested.
Remarkable motility.
Yeah, I may be old, but...
the spice can still cook.
- Great. I'm never gonna...
- Gross.
Stop throwing up.
Hey.
Oh, hey, anything good?
That ski trip looked great,
if you wanna take out
a 30-year loan.
Hey, thanks again
for being so open
to the whole spice thing.
I know it was
probably like, "Whoa."
"Whoa, that's awesome."
- Okay.
- Yes!
I mean, even though
it's a hypothetical,
I'm still moved by the idea
that the baby could be
genetically half me
and half Sarah.
Me too.
And we really wanna help.
Tom would be the father
and uncle to the same child.
How many guys
can say that, huh?
I'd be
the aunt/stepmother.
Well, Sarah and I
would obviously be the moms.
- Yes.
- But...
we would want you
to play a big part.
It'd be weird
if we didn't, right?
I mean, we're already
such a big happy family.
It'd be like that, just...
times a million.
Times a million.
Yeah. Okay.
♪ When I was a lad,
I served a term as ♪
♪ Office boy
to an attorney's firm ♪
♪ I cleaned the windows,
and I swept the floor ♪
♪ And I polished up the handle
of the big front door ♪
♪ He polished up the handle
of the big front door ♪
♪ I polished up the handle
so carefully ♪
♪ That now I am the ruler
of the queen's navy ♪
You're a smooth operator,
aren't ya, algebra man?
- Hey.
- Yeah?
Uh, I know I'm the one
who brought it up.
But I'm having
second thoughts
about using your brothers
as donors.
Just, like, second thoughts,
third thoughts,
- a lot of thoughts.
- Okay. It was just an idea.
We haven't even
talked it through.
And I don't wanna do anything
that you're uncomfortable with.
Yeah, I just...
I'm just worried about having
the donor so...
present.
But Marina is really into it.
She's, like,
so freakin' supportive.
But how do you tell someone
you're not sure
if you wanna have
her husband's baby?
Well, that sounds
like a really
tough conversation that you
probably shouldn't have here.
I'm sorry,
am I distracting you?
Honestly, yes.
I love you so much,
but right now, I'm just worried
that I'm losing
this directing gig.
Well. Just get
onstage and sing.
- You're better than this guy.
- Oh, no, no, I'm not.
I mean, he's really good.
No, you're right. I am.
This whole thing's so stupid.
I mean, how could we prove
who's superior anyway?
- There's no way to measure it.
- Yeah.
Hypothetically, how can we even
figure out who's better?
Two.
Ooh.
Come on.
Come on.
No, I got it! I got it.
- One.
- Whoo.
Now, you like math,
so let's see, I did ten.
Okay, yes, you can
bench-press more than me.
And you beat me
at arm wrestling
even though my elbow slipped.
Your elbow did not slip.
But I destroyed you
at trivia.
The app rated me an Einstein.
What did you get?
Let's see.
Oh, yeah,
"Thanks for playing."
- That's just the app being nice.
- So you know nerd facts.
Big deal. "Oh, oh, I'm Tom.
Look at me.
I know that Benjamin Franklin
wasn't 'technically'
a president."
Stop saying "technically."
He just... he wasn't.
Technically.
What? Okay.
Look, Sarah and Denise...
This isn't about them
anymore, okay?
It's about you and me.
It's about how you're always
trying to make me feel
like I'm less of a man.
No, it's about how you
always roll your eyes at me
every time
I don't know something.
Yeah, just like that.
You just did it,
and with the little
head shake too.
The full Tom.
I think you would love.
It'd probably go for
a lot of money, though,
so you might want
to get on that.
Hey, this is
quite the fundraiser.
I would even call it
a fun-raiser.
So happy to support
the arts at Windmount.
I'll do anything
to help out these rich kids.
Oh, are you
a parent at the school?
Hmm?
Oh, no, I was just avoiding
an awkward conversation.
Sorry.
Are you going
to sing tonight?
I am, I think, maybe.
It doesn't quite sound
like you've settled on a key.
- Mom, I'm doing my best.
- Hey, I'm not criticizing.
That's exactly
what you're doing.
Oh, pardon me
for trying.
Mother pheasant plucker
plucks mother.
So how do you rank
the kids at Windmount,
you know, to figure out
which one's the best?
It's gotta be, like,
academic ability, right?
No, no, probably,
like, a all-around thing,
you know,
which kids just got it.
I can assure you we would
never rank our students.
- Mm.
- I know you have to say that
to the parents,
but between us, come on.
If this is about Gretchen,
she's doing very well.
Oh, no, that's cool.
But no, this is this about
him and I.
- It's "him and me."
- Very good, Tom.
- Damn it.
- Nice.
Hey, hey.
Guys, what is happening?
Allison, have you tried
the crab cakes, by the way?
Because they are going
like hotcakes.
So you better
go get some, girl.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Head on... head on over there.
Guys?
What, we're just
trying to figure out
which one of us is the best.
Yeah, for the spice thing.
- The sperm.
- Yeah, spice is sperm.
I know.
Look, neither of you is better.
Now, leave Allison alone, and
stop screwing up my fundraiser.
- Sorry.
- Fine.
If you want to be of use,
go help Lupe with the dishes.
Go!
Sarah said
we should help you.
Oh, great...
Thank you, Sarah.
I can load the dishwasher.
Nah, I'll do it.
I'm faster.
Come on, man,
it's not about speed.
Seeing how many dishes
you can load in a dishwasher
is a good test
of spatial reasoning.
So it's a test
of the mental and the physical.
You go first. I'll time you.
Let's do this.
Done.
- 4:16.
- Oh!
A tie, really? Come on.
- Best two out of three?
- Yeah.
Are you taking
dirty dishes
out of the dishwasher?
Uh, it's complicated.
Get out of my kitchen.
Out, out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
So having
a dish-loading race
to see who's got
the strongest spice.
No.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, there's no point
in that.
There's a science to this.
You know,
back when I was at MIT,
my frat brothers and I
got to wondering
which one of us
is the best genetic specimen.
- Frat life.
- Yeah.
So we came up with the
Higgs-Nathanson Reflex Test.
It's a measure of both
mental and physical acuity
to help you determine
- superior DNA.
- How's it work?
Well, try to follow me here.
Subject one
extends his extremities
in a rigid position, like so.
Subject two
extends his extremities
palms up
underneath subject one's.
Subject two then attempts
to make forceful contact
with subject one prior
to subject one retracting.
Brains, brawn,
it takes them both.
- Yeah... Dad, that's slapsies.
- You say what?
You just described slapsies.
It's a game kids
have been playing forever.
I don't think so.
We got a research grant
for this.
Yeah.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Where have you been?
- Oh, just mingling.
- Yeah, me too.
Funny story, I put in a bid
for the wine weekend in Napa.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
But I'm having
second thoughts.
You know
when something seems like
it's a great idea at first,
but then you think about it,
and you're not so sure?
Has that ever happened to you?
Uh, well, not with wine.
But are you having
second thoughts about
the spice donor thing?
No.
- Nope. I'm all in.
- Great. Same.
- Hey-o.
- Hey-o!
So I got this great app
for the kids.
It combines faces, right?
I mean, they usually use it
with themselves and the cat.
How would you like to see
maybe Tom's and your kid?
- That's okay.
- Oh, I don't think anyone
wants to see that.
Oh.
Okay. How about
Connor's and Denise's kid?
- Uh, no, thanks.
- Please, no one wants this.
Oy.
- Oh.
- That's really bad.
I paid $1.99
for this damn thing.
Did you just...
You just... you just said,
"No one wants this."
Um, I know your heart
was set on it.
And it would be
such a noble act.
But I have been
thinking about it,
and I'm not sure
I wanna do it.
Oh, my God.
- Me neither.
- You don't?
- No, it's a bad idea.
- It's the worst idea!
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry! I love you!
I love you too.
I just didn't wanna hurt
your feelings.
I didn't wanna hurt
your feelings.
From now on,
let's promise to always hurt
each other's feelings.
Always.
Attention, everyone.
I am proud to announce
that we raised
more money than ever before!
Huh?
Take that, last year
and every other year.
And on a personal note,
I just wanna say
that I have been
so inspired watching
all these performers
here tonight.
It just reminds me that...
Here we go.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.
♪ I'm just a Broadway baby ♪
Smile. Yeah.
♪ Walkin' off my tired feet ♪
Breathe through
the diaphragm.
♪ Pounding 42nd Street ♪
♪ To save on my dough-oh ♪
Dad's a trip, huh?
Kinda makes you doubt MIT.
♪ Learning how to sing
and dance ♪
- Oh, we doin' this?
- Oh, we're doing this.
Unless you're chicken.
Chicken like a fox.
- What?
- I-I don't know.
♪ Oh, gee ♪
♪ I'd like to be ♪
♪ On some marquee ♪
♪ All twinklin' lights ♪
My turn.
Yeah.
♪ I don't need a lot ♪
♪ Only what I got ♪
Ow!
♪ Plus a tube
of greasepaint ♪
♪ And a follow spot ♪
♪ I'm just a Broadway baby ♪
Ah, I get a freebie.
Ooh.
- ♪ If I stick it long enough ♪
- Are you serious?
♪ I may get
to strut my stuff ♪
Oh!
Ooh.
I'm okay.
Tevye's fiddle.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I'm gonna pay the highest bid.
Actually, Connor's
gonna pay the highest bid.
♪ Show ♪
Whoo!
- Okay, Sarah.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And that's a good night
on the Windmount fundraiser.
Look, obviously
it goes without saying
that we're so sorry.
Slapsies, really?
Well, technically,
it's called
the Higgs-Nathanson
Reflex Test.
Hey, at least
your singing was amazing.
Okay. I wanna hear
more about that later.
But right now, I have to go
say goodbye to Allison and...
probably this directing job.
God, I can't believe
we broke the dishwasher.
This is so stupid.
Sarah and Denise could
pick either of our spices.
The kid'd turn out fine.
Yeah. I mean,
we both have great kids.
Yeah.
I can't believe
how much you can bench.
I can't believe
how much information
you can store
in that brain of yours.
You're like a human Google.
Well, you know, Google
doesn't house information.
It just kinda searches for...
Yeah, no. Thank you.
It's crazy,
we spent our whole lives
competing
against one another.
Yeah, it's like
we define ourselves
against each other.
Why are we like this?
There they are!
My big strong jock
and my boy genius.
Did you guys figure out
who's the better man?
Well...
asked and answered.
Oh, Allison.
I'll see you at school.
And I'm sorry again
about everything.
Oh.
We made a lot of money.
And that's what's important.
By the way, if you want
to direct the spring musical,
- the job's yours.
- Wait, really?
- Even after all that?
- Absolutely.
You showed me
you can definitely handle
a kids' musical.
I mean, dealing
with out-of-control children,
overbearing parents.
Plus, I liked
how you directed
your entire family
to say nice things about you.
Oh, you noticed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night, Mr. Zarrow.
Good seeing you.
I'm directing
the musical!
That's great.
You're welcome!
Hey, so what do I have to do
to get Gretchen
a lead role in this play?
You know, I'm not the only
performer in the family.
Huh.
Do you remember what song
your mom made you
audition with?
Well, it was just...
It was so long ago.
Yeah, and we were both
so young.
Yeah.
Are you chicken? Because...
♪ Anything you can do,
I can do better ♪
♪ I can do anything
better than you ♪
- No, you can't.
- Oh!
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
♪ Yes, I can ♪
- ♪ No, you can't ♪
- ♪ Yes, I can ♪
♪ Yes, I can,
yes, I can ♪
Yes, you can, Tom.
♪ Anything you can be,
I can be greater ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪
- ♪ Yes, I am ♪
- ♪ No, you're not ♪
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
- Not.
- I am.
- Oh, yeah?
- I really am.
I've never been
more embarrassed
to share DNA with them.
We've been
going over this all day.
- Why don't you prove it?
- Okay.
Okay.