Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 4 - Hogan's Trucking Service... We Deliver the Factory to You - full transcript

How you doing with Klink's car?

We can't stall him much longer.

We've taken care of
everything on the list.

Bust everything and
start all over again.

That's what we're doing now.

Why is the loading of
the truck taking so long?

When you're loading
a truck with TNT,

haste really makes waste.

Got all the fuses
timed in synch?

Yeah. You just
have to hook them up

to the truck's battery,



and then tonight at 12:00,

boy... ba-boom!

Colonel Hogan, I trust
your men have my car ready

as you promised they would.

They've been hard
at it since daylight, sir.

They're expert mechanics.

Wouldn't know how to
do anything but a good job.

Herr Kommandant, please.

I just... opened the
door and it fell off.

Just a suggestion, sir...

I'd have that door
fixed if I were you.

You're the mechanics.

Why didn't you fix it?

It's not on the list, sir.



The car door wasn't on the list,

because I didn't think there
was anything wrong with it

when I wrote the list.

I'll buy that, sir.

Thank you, Colonel.

I mean, I know the
truth when I hear it.

Of course, we don't hear it
from you too often, do we?

Sorry, sir.

Hogan, I want my car.

You will have it, sir,
sooner than you expect.

How can it be
sooner than I expect,

when it is already
later than I thought?

Hogan, I have a dinner date

and I want my car by 7:00 sharp.

You'll have it, sir.

You have my promise.

I can have your promise anytime.

This time I want my car.

Hi, Schultz!

Shh...

I'm sneaking a rest
from Commandant Klink.

He has been driving me

crazy!

It's what you need.

You might get rid of
some of that blubber.

I don't mind carrying
a few extra pounds.

Good, here's a few
more you can carry.

Very good of you to
offer your help, Schultz.

We can use it.

I didn't offer anything.

Why should I do your work when
I'm hiding here from my work?

Suit yourself.

All right, Kinch,
you want to knock off

for some coffee and cake? Right.

Coffee and, uh... cake?

What kind of a cake?

Just the richest, thickest,

creamiest chocolate
cake you ever laid eyes on.

And eyes are all you're
going to lay on it, mate.

The rest of your fat
face can stay where it is.

I wouldn't touch a crumb,
even if you asked me.

Were you thinking of asking me?

Nope.

Not at all.

I'm glad.

No matter how hungry I
am, I refuse to eat your cake.

And I'm so hungry,
I could eat anything.

Oh, that is a shame.

It's a dirty, rotten shame,
but I'm not complaining.

A little starvation
doesn't hurt anybody.

I grit my teeth, tighten my belt

and fall on my knees and
beg for a little piece of cake.

We got to finish
loading the truck first.

I'll help you.

Hey, watch it!

Are you trying to blow
up this whole camp?

That crate's
loaded with... Kinch!

Loaded with what, what, what?

Don't ask me.

I can't read German.

All right now, Carter, you
follow Newkirk in Klink's car.

Tell the guard
you're road-testing it.

Yes, sir.

Newkirk, you drive the truck.

Park it here by
the bottling plant.

So that's where they're
making the ball bearings.

Formidable.

An old deserted bottle factory

turned into a
ball-bearing plant.

Yeah, which that
truck's going to turn

into an old deserted vacant lot.

And the explosion
should pull the SS force

away from the fuel tanks here.

Making it a nice piece of cake

for the underground
to hit. Mm-hmm.

But won't they send the troops

from the railroad
depot to cover?

Yeah, we're counting on it.

If they do, underground
units four and five

will move into the rail depot.

Oh, they're going to have
to time that pretty close.

Everything depends on
that truck blowing up on time.

It will, sir.

Kinch, from now on, all
communications for this operation

use the code name
"delivery truck."

Right, Colonel.

Delivery truck... very good.

Have you noticed
how much more clever

the code names are lately?

I think Intelligence
has turned it over

to an advertising agency.

That's our signal.

It's Leader Four.

Stuger?

Colonel Hogan, we have
just received new orders

to prepare for an
attack on Stalag 16.

I thought our target
was the railroad depot.

It is... who changed the orders?

The new area
commander, Colonel X.

Colonel X... who's he?

He's supposed to be an
escaped prisoner of war.

He took over unit
one two days ago.

That's his right as the
high-ranking Allied officer.

I don't care what his rank is.

The original order still goes.

Pass that along
to the other units.

Over and out.

Whoever this Colonel X is,

he's not going to
ruin this one for us.

You want me to contact
London, see what they got on him?

Well, they won't
be receiving again

for a couple of hours.

Carter, Newkirk...

Yes, sir. Yeah.

As soon as you
deliver that truck

to the ball-bearing plant,

swing by unit one headquarters.

See what you can find
out about this Colonel X.

Right, sir.

Uh, shall we observe
or infiltrate, sir?

Better get an idea
of the operation first.

Could be a trap.

Right.

That's exactly my thinking, sir.

I'll bet that Colonel
X is Gestapo

and he's just sitting there
waiting to nail all of us.

Fantastic.

You know, I'm glad you're
going along with me, Carter.

You make simple everyday chores

seem like real
bloody adventures.

Oh, Colonel Klink, how lovely.

Allow me, my dear.

Oh, Fraulein Hilda,
after office hours,

I don't think there's any
need to be so formal.

No need at all, Colonel Klink.

Oh, if you really feel that way,

please, let's drop the
"Colonel," shall we?

All right, Klink.

My first name is Wilhelm.

Let's go. I'm starved.

Oh, my dear.

I didn't have any lunch today.

Oh, the car's
waiting right outside.

Hardly any breakfast either.

Oh, please, allow me.

Thank you, Klink.

Wilhelm!

What is that?

Schultz!

Schultz, where's my car?

Herr Kommandant,
it's still being fixed.

Colonel Hogan had two
men working all night long

to be sure that the
car is ready and waiting

tomorrow morning
like he promised.

He promised it would be
ready and waiting tonight.

Instead, we're ready
and still waiting.

"We're ready and still waiting."

Very clever.

It's good that you
can joke about it.

Oh, shut up, you dunderhead.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I think I'm going to
have a headache.

We can't go to dinner in that.

I know I'm going
to have a headache.

Oh, Herr Kommandant,

Colonel Hogan had his
men put on the sidecar,

so you don't have to go to
dinner in a sanitation truck.

Well, I'm all for that.

How about you, Hilda?

I've got a headache.

Oh, you have a headache
because you're hungry.

No, no, the headache
took my appetite away.

Good night, Colonel.

Can I give you a
ride to the gate, huh?

But...

I'd rather walk.

She didn't even
take her corsage.

Why don't you call another
girl, while it's still fresh?

Why don't you keep
your stupid suggestions

in your big fat mouth?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

The finest food, the
finest wines, I told them.

How am I supposed to enjoy

an eight-course
dinner all by myself?

I'm not doing anything tonight.

Oh, but you are doing
something tonight.

You're standing outside guarding
my last means of transportation.

Hogan's Rathskeller, Schultz!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I guess it hasn't
been used lately.

I hope it's a long time
before it's used again.

Schnell, Schultz.

Herr Kommandant,
hold on to your hat.

Here we go.

Schultz!

Schultz!!

Hey, Carter.

Colonel Hogan, is
that you out there?

No, it's me back here.

Boy, I was hoping you'd show up.

What are you
doing on guard duty?

Why didn't you come back?

Colonel X said he
was short of men

and said we're
volunteering to join his outfit.

Carter, you're a
prisoner of war.

You're confined
to a prison camp.

You just can't come
and go as you please.

I know that.

And we told that to Colonel X,

but he just wouldn't listen.

Well, I'm going
to tell it to him.

Where is this screwball?

Right through that door.

Oh, you have to
check with his aide first.

We have to make sure
you aren't a Gestapo agent

out to shoot him.

Not me.

I'm an American officer
about to wring his neck.

You're the aide?

Yes, sir.

What's going on here?

Well, I'm not at
liberty to say, sir.

You see, Colonel X's
life is in constant danger

and should any harm come to him,

it would be a devastating
blow to the German war effort.

A cold chill just swept over
me as a name came to mind.

Name of who, sir?

Please don't tell me

the mysterious Colonel X
is our Colonel Crittendon?

Indeed he is, Hogan,

back in the thick of things

and ready for a bit of
fox and hounds with Jerry.

Can't tell you how good
it is to see you again.

I can't tell you how it is to
see you again, too, Colonel.

But they couldn't
imprison my spirit.

The moment I entered Stalag
16, I had one thought... escape.

Somehow, some
way I would escape.

You certainly did.
Look, Colonel...

Actually I think the
most exciting part

is the escape itself.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you had
me on the edge of my seat with that.

Oh, you mean I already
told you that part?

Yeah, it's the
most exciting part.

Yes, that's it, all right.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, guess the old thinking cap

isn't on snug enough, eh, what?

It's plain, you know,
this new command.

Heavy lies the head that
wears the crown, what!

Of course, I did have
Crittendon's commandos

to help me.

Crittendon's commandos?

Yes, the ten men
who were with me

on that daring escape
I just told you about.

Yeah, the ten men
who escaped with you.

Those are the chaps...
Carefully chosen, I assure you.

You'd be hard-pressed to
find a better fighting force.

I'd be glad when
they're with me again.

Where are they?

Back in Stalag 16.

Caught a bit of
rotten luck last week.

They were out on patrol and
they ran into an armed farmer.

A farmer? One farmer?

Aha! Remember, he was armed.

Had a six-pronged pitchfork,
and he knew how to use it.

Those farmers are good
with the pitchfork all right.

Poor devils.

Walked right into an ambush.

Didn't stand a chance.

But I have a plan
to break them out.

Newkirk!

Sir!

Where are those top-secret plans

for the surprise
attack on Stalag 16?

Right behind you, sir, on the
wall where you tacked them up.

Ah, yes, there they are.

I'm afraid I've got orders

that may delay your
operation, Colonel.

I'm in command here, Hogan.

I give the orders... Not
you, not anyone else.

These are from London.

They'll be obeyed to the letter,

and I shall be with you

every step of the way.

Now, what do we do first?

First I need a volunteer

for a very dangerous
assignment. Mm-hmm.

He must be a man with courage

and superior intelligence.

Got any suggestions?

Courage, eh?

Mm-hmm.

Superior intelligence.

Well, the only person I know

that fits that description

would be Colonel Crittendon.

By George, he's right.

Colonel Crittendon
volunteering for duty, sir.

That's a grand attitude, sir.

I guess I have no
alternative but to accept.

Do you happen to
have a map of this area?

Certainly.

I've got one right
in here somewhere.

Now... map.

Up to my ears in
maps here somewhere.

Ah, here we are.

All right, now, the man...

Colonel?

You've given me the directions

for assembling your radio set.

So it is.

No wonder none of
the towns look familiar.

Let me make a sketch for you.

This is the main road
from Hammelburg.

This is the Arnheim
ball-bearing works.

It's an old bottling plant.

Right.

I take it my job is

to destroy the factory, eh?

Ha! I like that.

I was with a
demolition squad once.

Fine lads...

may they rest in peace.

That part is already
taken care of.

Your job is to make sure

that the bombs go off at
exactly 2400. Mm-hmm.

And you radio me
the damage report.

Now, is that all clear,

or do you want me
to write it out for you?

Don't bother... I'm
gifted with total recall.

I can even recite

all the Shakespeare
plays I saw as a boy.

Let me write it out for you.

Don't believe me, eh?

All right.

Here's what you
said word for word.

Would you care to hear
The Merchant of Venice?

"The quality of mercy is..."

Mercy is not strained.

"is not strained.

It droppeth like the, uh..."

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

Gentle rain from heaven, sir.

"Gentle rain from heaven."

Uh... "To be or not to be."

Well... so far everything is
going according to plan, right?

Couldn't be better.

Getting that truck
full of TNT out of here

was the only thing
that had me worried.

Nothing to it.

Now it's just sitting
there at the plant

ticking off the
seconds till boom time.

Everything is going perfect.

Then why do I have this feeling

of impending disaster?

I think that's from
seeing Crittendon.

He leaves everyone
feeling that way.

Crittendon is where
he can't do any damage.

He's the one thing you
don't have to worry about.

He's the one thing I
always worry about.

We've got it made now, sir.

Yeah, an awful lot can
happen in two hours.

Achtung, chaps!

That awful lot that
can happen just did.

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be
at the ball-bearing plant

waiting to report on the damage.

There was no damage,
and there was no explosion.

I waited for some time
past the appointed hour,

but you've come a cropper
on this one, Hogan old boy.

The appointed hour
is still two hours away.

Ha! I'm afraid your
watch is a little tardy.

You said...

I said 2400.

Quite so.

That's 9:00 p.m. mufti time.

2400 is midnight.

No, no, no, Hogan.

Those figures used
to confuse me, too.

You see,

2400 is 9:00 p.m.

You see, two and four is six,

and six into 24 goes four times.

So what's six and four?

Uh... five, six, seven...

By George, it's 10:00.

Ha! That's a good one.

We were both wrong.

Your explosion is
set to go off at 10:00.

Well, cheer up, chaps.

You haven't pulled
a bone out this time.

It's, uh... it's
almost 10:00 now.

Why don't I hop in the truck

and buzz back for a look-see?

Truck? What truck?

The Jerry truck that was parked

at the ball-bearing factory.

Colonel Hogan, could that be...?

Of course it is.

Keys were in it with
this helmet and topcoat,

My guardian angel was looking
after me tonight, wasn't he?

He's going to be looking
you right in the eye

if you parked that truck nearby.

Where'd you leave it?

Right beside the barracks.

Our barracks?

Hey, sir, we got to
get that out of here.

Why all this fuss
about a silly truck?

Because that silly truck

happens to be loaded with TNT

set to go off at midnight.

So that's how you were
going to blow up the factory.

Juicily good plan, Hogan.

Oh, yes, smashing plan.

Thanks a lot, Crittendon.

But there's just one
thing that I overlooked.

Indeed?

Yes, uh... I didn't
see the possibility

of some bonehead
finding the truck

and driving off with it.

Well, I suppose
that is a possibility,

but frankly, I can't
see it happening.

Besides, I already
have the truck,

so that solves that
problem right there.

Sir, time's getting short.

Kinch, look outside.

Make sure everything's clear.

Somebody's got
to drive that truck

back where it belongs.

Right, Colonel. Here.

Colonel Crittendon
volunteering, sir.

Forget it. One of us will
take care of it this time.

Uh-oh, I think we got troubles.

Herr Kommandant... all I know

the truck drove out

and later it drove in again.

That's all I know.

Mm-hmm, it drove out,

and later it drove in again.

You didn't think it was
necessary to ask him

why he was going out.

No, Herr Kommandant.

I don't think it was necessary

to ask him why he was going out.

Explain why, please.

Because he was going in.

I was not on duty
when he was going out.

These are military vehicles

used for military purposes only,

not to take drives to
Lover's Lane with a Fraulein.

Now, I am posting a guard here

with instructions
to arrest that driver

when he comes back.

Boy, when you get a
feeling of impending disaster,

it works like a
charm, doesn't it?

And you don't have to wait

very long for it either.

Now, the first thing
we must do is not panic.

I already have.

What's the second thing?

Seems simple to me.

One of us slips up
behind the guard,

overpowers him, and
drives away the truck.

Take another look at
the guard, Crittendon.

Corporal Kohler isn't
too easy to overpower.

"The bigger they come,
the harder they fall,"

my judo instructor used to say.

You'll need more than
your judo lessons with him.

Not when it's killer judo.

When you have mastered the
deadly art of KJ, as we call it,

these hands become
instruments of death.

One fen-ichi chop

can snap a man's
neck like a dry twig.

I'll contact you

when I get back to headquarters.

If I were you, I wouldn't watch.

Ha! That's the opening
I've been waiting for.

Ow.

You are an Englander?

Yes.

You're a German, aren't you?

You're an Englander prisoner.

You stay right there.

Just stay right there.

One more step and I'll
be forced to use these.

Just stay where you are.

Go one more step

and these hands
will strike to kill.

All right.

Sayonara!

You can question me
until you're blue in the face,

but I shall tell you nothing.

Oh, you shouldn't

take that attitude, Colonel.

These gentlemen
went to a lot of trouble

to come and see you.

Surely there must be
something you can tell them.

He will tell us everything.

Nothing.

Now, I know you'll
try to torture me.

Come, Crittendon,
that's nonsense.

Do these two gentlemen look

as if they would torture
a helpless prisoner?

I think you better tell them
everything they want to know.

Kinch has just connected

the phone cable,
sir, to Klink's office.

Did you take care
of Hochstetter's car?

All set.

Make the call.

Now, Major Hochstetter,
may I suggest...

Klink, you have wasted
enough of my time.

He will talk soon
enough at headquarters.

Sir, I am still the
commandant of this camp...

Commandant!

Colonel Klink speaking.

This is Gestapo headquarters.

Give me Major Hochstetter.

Just a moment.

Sir, it's for you.

Gestapo headquarters.

Major Hochstetter here.

Major, there's been
trouble at the Arnheim plant.

It looks like sabotage.

They have suspects
they're holding for you.

I'll be right there.

There's trouble at
the ball-bearing plant.

Bring him along.

I assure you, Major Hochstetter,

I had nothing to do with
Crittendon's being here.

The commandant of the camp he
escaped from is the one you want.

I'm in a hurry, Klink.

We will discuss it
later, at your trial.

Yes, Major Hochstetter.

I've got a flat tire.

Oh, I'll have one of my
men change it at once, sir.

Never mind.

I'll take your staff car.

Oh, please do.

Just try not to hit
too many bumps.

It always knocks
off the sidecar.

What?

That's something they
put on a motorcycle.

Yes, sir.

Sometimes it's on,
sometimes it's off.

You see, my staff
car is being repaired.

Instead I'll take that truck...

if the commandant
has no objection.

As a matter of fact,
Major Hochstetter...

I have no objections at all.

The factory should
blow pretty soon now.

Forget it.

I wonder if there's any chance

Crittendon could
have gotten away.

He might have used
that killer judo to escape.

That's what he
used to get captured.

You know what,
Colonel Crittendon...

He was really a pretty good guy.

Hello again, chaps.

What are you doing back here?

He was caught trying to escape.

I did escape.

Used killer judo on the guard.

Gave him a one-handed
chop to the neck,

and a two-handed
conk on the head

with a basket of towels.

Then I jumped out of the truck.

Big deal!

You still didn't get very far

before you were caught.

Picked up by a patrol, huh?

No... ran into the
same blasted farmer

that ambushed my commando.

How about that...
Right on the nose.

What was that?

Thunder, Schultz.

Weatherman said rain tonight.

Said to be sure to wear
your helmet if you go outside.

Expecting heavy showers
of ball bearings in the area.

New spark plugs.

Check.

Wash-and-wax job.

Check.

Put door on passenger side.

Check.

Schultz, help me out of here.

I feel as if I'm riding
around in a bathtub.

I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.

I put you right on your feet.

No, before you
put me on my feet,

get my feet out of the sidecar.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

That's enough, that's
enough, that's enough.

Now, Hogan, I want you to say,

"Colonel Klink,
your car is ready."

All right.

Colonel Klink, your
car is almost ready.

No almost... Just
a simple sentence.

"Your car is ready now."
Let's try it, shall we?

Your car is ready now. Good.

But I just want to run
down the checklist,

make sure we haven't
forgotten anything.

Forget about the checklist.

It looks just fine.

Sounds fine, feels fine.

It's just fine, Hogan.

But, Colonel...

Hands off... I'm in a hurry.

You fellas think of anything

we might have left out?

Nope. No.

The brake cable
is all I can think of.