Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 21 - War Takes a Holiday - full transcript
Hogan convinces Klink and the Gestapo that the war is over so that they will release some prisoners.
I'm going to build
one of these bunks,
you know, at home after the war.
What will you do with it?
I think I'll chop it up.
I'm not sure I should get
rid of this old mattress.
It's so nice and thin, I
could use it as a sheet.
Oh, look at the lumps
in that bloody thing.
How'd you ever sleep in it?
For every lump in that mattress,
there's a corresponding
dent in me.
Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell.
Oh, schnell yourself.
You should be glad
to get new mattresses.
I am, Schultz, but it's
like losing an old friend.
What's the angle, Colonel?
Angle?
What do you mean?
Yesterday, a new stove.
Today, new mattresses.
I don't understand you, Hogan.
Every time I do
something decent,
must I have an angle?
Yes.
Dismissed.
Oh, Hogan, you better see to it
that the barracks are in order.
The Red Cross inspector's going
to surprise us with a visit.
Mm-hmm, and as
soon as he leaves,
so do the new mattresses.
You know, I never
thought of that.
Hogan, I think you
would have made
an excellent prison commandant.
I applied for the job, but
they wouldn't take me.
I passed the mental test.
Schultz!
Come on, Schultz...
"Come on, Schultz..."
Fancy bumping into you.
Major Hochstetter, how
very nice of you to drop by.
If anyone makes an
unnecessary move, shoot to kill.
Shoot to kill?
What do you have in
the truck, prisoners?
No, dancing girls.
Of course prisoners!
The most important
prisoners you will ever see...
Every important leader of
the underground movement.
Well, my congratulations,
Major Hochstetter.
What is this man doing here?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Major Hochstetter,
this is the American
prisoner, Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan, this is...
Klink, did I ask
for an introduction?
I just thought I'd show
the new prisoners around,
with your permission, of course.
What is this man doing here?!
Schultz, escort Colonel Hogan
back to the barracks at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
A special armed guard is coming
to take these
prisoners to Berlin.
In the meantime, I
want you to prepare
a maximum-security
block for them.
Yes, sir, maximum security.
You can depend on me.
I am sure it's not necessary
to tell you what
will happen to you
should there be an escape, hmm?
An escape from Stalag 13?
That's a good one.
You will be shot.
That's another good one.
What is this man doing here?!
Just leaving.
Colonel Hogan, those
prisoners won't escape
from Stalag 13, will they?
I don't know,
Schultz, but if they do,
I'll make sure you're
the first to know.
Please, Colonel
Hogan, if they do,
let me be the last to know.
Hi, Schultzy.
Have a cigarette?
Go on, Schultz.
Five guards with machine guns.
They're sure not
taking any chances
with those
underground prisoners.
And look who's
guarding us... Schultz.
I think it's a plot to
make us feel worthless.
We will be if we don't
free those prisoners.
I don't want to seem
negative, Colonel,
but getting those new
prisoners out of the cooler
won't exactly be
a piece of cake.
That translates into
French as rien à faire
and then back into English
as meaning
definitely impossible.
I'm with you.
From Hilda.
Information on the
underground prisoners.
"Lydon from Austria,
Albins from Belgium,
Calaruso from Italy,
Belét from France."
The major leaders
of the underground.
With those fellas out of action,
the Resistance movement
will be at a standstill.
Well, what are we
going to do about it?
It's simple... a tunnel.
We dig a tunnel.
Forget it.
It would take a
week to dig a tunnel.
That special escort
will be here any day.
Well, all right.
It was a rotten idea,
but at least I was first.
The cooler they're
being kept in...
It's in pretty bad
shape, isn't it?
Shocking.
And with the Red
Cross inspector due,
it should be put in shape
like the rest of the camp...
New mattresses,
new stove, right?
Right, but I still don't see
how that's going to help
us get those prisoners out.
Good.
Maybe Klink won't
see how either.
And despite adverse conditions,
I am again forced to report
that Stalag 13 is operating
at 100% efficiency.
I guess that sums
it up, Fraulein Hilda.
Wouldn't you say so?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Is that all?
Not quite.
You see, I just
came into possession
of a perfectly
splendid bottle of wine,
and I thought possibly this
afternoon you and I could...
Not today, Colonel.
I just don't quite
feel up to it.
Perhaps tomorrow?
Fill out that memo in triplicate
and send it out immediately.
Of course, sir.
Hogan, I don't recall
having sent for you.
Not a very friendly attitude.
I certainly hope the new camp
commandant is more agreeable.
New camp comma...
That's ridiculous!
You didn't expect
to keep your job
after the Red Cross
inspector sees this place?
You know, Hogan, there are times
when you can be most tiresome,
and this is one of them.
Stalag 13 is a
model prison camp.
Really?
Every inch.
Including the cooler,
where the underground
prisoners are being held?
The comfort of those prisoners
is Major Hochstetter's
concern, not mine.
You're not concerned.
Well, I certainly think
Major Hochstetter
wouldn't want to hear that.
Hogan... Colonel,
I'm trying to help you.
Would Hochstetter do as much?
He gave the orders.
No one is to interfere
with his prisoners.
Sure, what does he care?
Is the Red Cross going
to mention his name
to the Inspector General?
You can bet your
monocle they won't.
But that's different.
Well, sure, it is.
But just remember,
the Inspector General
always has an extra ticket handy
for the Stalingrad Express.
Just a moment, Hogan.
What's to be done exactly?
Nothing much...
Clean up, a new stove.
We have new mattresses;
they should have new mattresses.
Otherwise the old ones will
stick out like a sore thumb.
But Major Hochstetter...
Change them when
Hochstetter isn't around.
It'll only take your
men a few minutes.
I'll supervise for you.
My men?
It's your idea.
Your men will change
them, and I will supervise.
I wouldn't have
it any other way.
Can't your men work any faster?
All right, come on, fellas.
Speed it up.
Look at the time.
They're supposed
to be finished by now.
Relax.
Hochstetter's in town, isn't he?
What if he comes
back early? So what?
Who's in charge here?
You give the orders.
You're not afraid
of Hochstetter.
If he interferes, tell him off.
Yes, of course.
I'm glad you feel that way,
because here he comes.
What is going on here, Klink?
What are these men doing
around the restricted area?
Major Hochstetter,
please control yourself.
We're just doing a
little housecleaning.
Housecleaning?
This is a prison.
Major Hochstetter,
back from town so soon?
Klink, isn't this
man ever locked up?
Careful how you talk
to Colonel Klink, sir.
The Gestapo
doesn't frighten him.
Hogan!
Sir, Colonel Hogan
is most cooperative.
It's the only way to be, sir.
And I'm sure you've got
more important things to do,
so don't let us hold you up.
What is this?
This is a mattress, sir.
I know it's a mattress.
What are you doing with it?
Oh, that's all right, Major.
They are just
following my orders.
Oh?
The Red Cross inspector...
He would never approve
those mattresses.
Why? What's wrong with them?
Well, they're old, they're worn.
Probably contaminated.
They look all right to me.
Halt!
Hogan, you and your men...
The truck!
This is your idea
of housecleaning?
Major Hochstetter,
I don't understand.
Believe me...
Kruger!
From now on, anyone who
crosses this line will be shot...
Major Hochstetter...
Especially Colonel Klink.
This is unheard of.
I assure you...
Just a hunch, Colonel,
but I don't think you're
wanted around here.
We really blew that one.
All the way.
Yeah, the old
Kraut's going to be
pretty tough to live
with from now on.
Oh, I can handle Klink.
It's the guys in the
underground I'm worried about.
We can forget about them.
Hochstetter's doubled the guard.
LeBeau's right...
They're done for.
They won't get out
till the war's over.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
What's it?
What you said.
That's the answer.
They won't get out
until the war's over.
So?
It's simple.
We'll end the war.
Do you really think
we're going to convince
Klink and Hochstetter
that the war is over?
There's no guarantee,
but if we pull it off,
those underground
prisoners are going to go free.
It's got to be worth a try.
All right, good. Thomas?
The radio station in Hammelburg.
We'll take it exactly 4:55.
You got your script?
Yeah, right here.
All right, good. Newkirk?
I take care of the
switchboard, sir.
And you intercept
Hochstetter's call to Berlin.
What if he doesn't make it?
Don't worry, he'll make it.
LeBeau...
Dummy newspaper...
Plant it on Schultz.
Good. Now, Hilda
knows what to do?
Don't worry. She'll get
Klink to turn on the radio
at exactly 5:00, just for you...
and a pound of coffee
and six pair of nylons.
Ain't love grand?
Thanks.
Let's go.
Fraulein Hilda, one sip of this
and you won't be
able to control yourself.
Why, Colonel, whatever
gave you the idea
that I would want
to control myself?
Don't be bashful.
Bottoms up.
Mmm... that's marvelous.
It makes me feel warm all over.
Me, too.
But you haven't had any yet.
Oh.
Do you know
what I'd really like?
Name it.
Music.
Romantic music.
That was nice, ja?
And now our Fuhrer's favorite,
The Ride of the Valkyries,
dedicated to our victorious
troops on the Russian front.
Achtung! Achtung!
We interrupt this program
to bring you an
important news bulletin.
The war is over.
Armistice has been declared.
At 4:55 this afternoon, the
Berlin High Command announced
the end of hostilities between
Germany and the Allied forces,
officially ending the war.
We repeat, the war is over!
Stay tuned to this
station for further bulletins.
Fraulein Hilda,
did you hear that?
The war is over.
Call Colonel Hogan,
Major Hochstetter.
The war is over!
It's over! It's over.
But I tell you, I heard
it with my own ears.
Impossible!
There must be some mistake.
How could I make a mistake
about something like that?
If anybody could make a mistake
about something like
that, Klink, you are the one.
It was on the radio.
The High Command announced it.
I heard it with my own ears.
Fraulein Hilda heard it, too.
Fraulein Hilda!
Yes, sir.
Did you hear the
armistice announcement?
Well, I'm not sure.
You see, I was concentrating
on something else at the time.
Dear girl.
There must be some
way of confirming it.
Well, there's Colonel Bomberg.
Surely he would know.
Call him! Call him!
Very well, Klink,
but I warn you...
If you have me make
a fool of myself...
I tell you, it's true, sir.
It is true.
Operator.
Hello, operator.
Your call, please.
Ja, this is Major Hochstetter.
I want to speak to
Colonel Bomberg.
Colonel Bomberg's office.
Leutnant von Streckner speaking.
This is Major Hochstetter.
Is Colonel Bomberg in?
Jawohl, Major, but he
may have a little trouble
getting to the telephone.
The last time I saw him, he
was swinging from a chandelier.
Bomberg is swinging
from a chandelier.
Well, if the war isn't over,
he just cracked up.
Hello.
Hello, Bomberg.
Hochstetter here.
Bomberg, I wonder if you
could verify a rumor that...
It's all over, Hochstetter!
Did you hear the news?
It's over.
Ach, Liebchen, kommen
sie back to the party.
Hello.
Hello!
Heidi, I told you,
everybody out!
Hochstetter, it's
wild here, I tell you.
Wild!
I can't believe it.
Are you sure the war is over?
What is this, some
kind of a joke?
Sure, I'm sure.
Don't you think I know when
a war is over, Dummkopf?
Oh, of course, I do.
It's just that it's so sudden.
Look, if it's too sudden
for you, Hochstetter,
why don't you make
believe that the war is on
for a couple of days
while I go back to the party.
No, no, I heard that
the war was over.
I just wanted to check
with you to make sure.
You can take my word for it.
The war is definitely over.
Oh, what about the party?
Everybody's
coming and it's my...
Oh, Liebchen, give me one...
But you told me...
Ah, but ladies,
please, please...
You're tearing my uniform!
Get back!
Oh, so long, Hochstetter!
Well, it's over.
It's really over.
See, I told you so.
Yeah, not bad.
Not bad, Colonel.
Had me fooled for a minute,
but that hokey phone call.
Come on, Hochstetter!
Hokey phone call?
You went one step
too far, overdone.
It's like your German operas.
I heard it from Bomberg himself.
Hey, Schultzy, did you
drop this can of chocolate?
Did I?
You must have, it isn't mine.
I'll get it for you.
Ah, ah!
I wouldn't ask a prisoner to do
something I would not do myself.
Ja, it is mine.
I must have a hole in my pocket.
You also have one
in your character.
No one is perfect.
Ha!
"D-Der Krieg Ist Zu Ende!"
Der... der Krieg ist zu Ende!
Believe me, Hogan, if
Bomberg says the war is over,
the war is over.
Really, Hogan, you're the
most stubborn man I've ever met.
I'm not stubborn,
I'm wise to you.
You release the prisoners,
they walk out the gate,
the Gestapo's waiting
outside with machine guns...
"Shot while escaping."
I'm just not buying it, Klink.
Colonel!
Colonel!
Colonel, it's over!
The war is over!
Well, Hogan,
what do you say now?
I... I don't know what to think.
I am the colonel,
you are the sergeant,
and you are not discharged yet.
Speaking of discharges, what
are you planning on doing, Colonel,
I mean, if the
war is really over?
Well, back to civilian life.
You know, Hogan, a man with
my experience as a bookkeeper
shouldn't have any
trouble finding work.
All the big companies
need bookkeepers.
How about you, Schultz?
I was in toys, but the government
took over the toy factory
for the war effort.
Now that the war is over,
I hope they're going to
give back the toy factory.
Then we can make toys again.
And what company
was it, Schultz?
The Schatzi Toy Company.
Oh.
Hogan, you wouldn't
know about that,
but the Schatzi Toy Company
is the biggest toy company
in all of Germany.
Schultz, do you think your boss
would give you your
old job back, huh?
Why not?
I'm the boss.
You own the Schatzi Toy Company?
Jawohl.
Schultz, would you like a cigar?
Thank you, Colonel.
Please don't call me "Colonel."
Call me "Wilhelm."
Danke, Wilhelm.
Hogan, you're a free man.
The war is over.
You may go.
If you don't mind, I'll wait.
I'm still not sold.
Do as you wish.
Of course it's really none of
my business, Major Hochstetter,
but you could help erase the
bad image the Gestapo has
by releasing your prisoners now.
I mean, they're civilians...
That is, if the
war is really over.
Hogan, the war is over!
But I think I'd better wait.
A special armed
guard is on its way here
from Berlin to pick them up.
Believe me, Hochstetter,
those armed guards turned back
the moment they heard the news.
While you're here
waiting for them,
they're back in Berlin
dancing in the streets.
You may be right.
And I think Colonel Hogan
had a very good suggestion.
I don't think it
would do any harm
for the Gestapo to act
a little bit more human.
Klink!
Careful, the war is over.
You know what?
What?
I think I will go
release my prisoners.
Now I'm convinced
the war is over.
♪ In all my dreams ♪
♪ In all my dreams... ♪
Look at them.
I told them they can go
and they're having
such a good time,
they don't want to leave.
No one ever wants
to leave Stalag 13.
Excuse me a minute.
I should be sharing this
moment with my men.
All right, hold it, hold it.
We didn't go to all this work
just to have the eight of
you organize a singing group.
Sorry, Colonel, we
couldn't tell them.
Schultz was here.
Okay, beat it.
Haven't you heard, Colonel?
The war is over!
I know, the five of us ended it,
and as soon as Klink
and Hochstetter find out,
they're going to
start it up again.
What a beautiful job.
How did you do it?
No time now.
You can read about it next
month in Stars and Stripes,
now beat it.
Keep up the good work.
Yeah, same to you.
Come on.
Good-bye, then.
Hold it, hold it.
You guys should go in style.
Major Hochstetter, can I
see you a minute, please?
Don't push your luck, Colonel.
Haven't you heard,
there's a war on.
You've got to take chances.
Yes?
Your... your prisoners
have decided to leave us,
but it's a long hike into town.
I was wondering if they
might borrow your car.
Borrow my car?
Well, they'll return it
tomorrow, won't you, fellas?
Yeah.
These are going to
be big men in industry,
and who knows?
You may need a job.
Well, I don't...
Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll sign for it.
If they don't return
it, I'll pay for it.
Yes, but...
What difference does it make?
The war's over.
Well, yes, the
war is over... but...
Well, all right, take the car.
Well, gentlemen,
shall we celebrate?
Ah, General Busse, this
is indeed a great pleasure.
Speak for yourself, Klink.
Now, what is this...
Guards without guns,
uniforms unbuttoned,
prisoners running wild?
Well, I...
You call this discipline?
No, sir.
General.
At ease.
I heard in Berlin that
congratulations are in order.
Capturing those
underground leaders
is quite a feather
in your cap, huh?
Thank you, General.
Of course, it doesn't
mean as much now, hmm?
Now that the war is over?
The what is what?
The war... it's over.
The war is over.
That's right, General.
Haven't you heard?
No, and neither
have the Americans.
They bombed Berlin
just one-half hour ago.
You mean the war isn't over?
Of course it is not over!
Gee, Hochstetter,
what a bad break,
and after you let those four
underground prisoners go.
But you made a lot of
friends for the Gestapo.
You stupid fool, you!
You have been tricked.
And you... you...
you idiot, you.
I will see to it that you are...
Sir, I hate to butt in,
but all of Colonel Klink's
prisoners are still here.
That's right.
That's right!
Schultz, close the gates.
The war is back on.
I will deal with
you back in Berlin.
Now follow me in your car.
My car?
I...
Well, sir...
my car...
Uh, sir, knowing
your sense of fair play,
you can understand the major
lending his car
to the prisoners.
I mean, it's miles to town.
You did what?!
Get in my car!
Amazing, Hogan,
absolutely amazing.
What was, sir?
That the underground
could create such a hoax.
I'm surprised they
fooled the Gestapo.
Well, it didn't surprise me.
I'll remember that.
You'll forget it.
Wilhelm, if you work
for me after the war,
I hope you won't
be so easily fooled.
You and Hochstetter...
The war is not over.
The war is not over.
Out?
Out!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
What was that you
said about the Gestapo?
Forget it.
He would make a
lousy bookkeeper.
one of these bunks,
you know, at home after the war.
What will you do with it?
I think I'll chop it up.
I'm not sure I should get
rid of this old mattress.
It's so nice and thin, I
could use it as a sheet.
Oh, look at the lumps
in that bloody thing.
How'd you ever sleep in it?
For every lump in that mattress,
there's a corresponding
dent in me.
Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell.
Oh, schnell yourself.
You should be glad
to get new mattresses.
I am, Schultz, but it's
like losing an old friend.
What's the angle, Colonel?
Angle?
What do you mean?
Yesterday, a new stove.
Today, new mattresses.
I don't understand you, Hogan.
Every time I do
something decent,
must I have an angle?
Yes.
Dismissed.
Oh, Hogan, you better see to it
that the barracks are in order.
The Red Cross inspector's going
to surprise us with a visit.
Mm-hmm, and as
soon as he leaves,
so do the new mattresses.
You know, I never
thought of that.
Hogan, I think you
would have made
an excellent prison commandant.
I applied for the job, but
they wouldn't take me.
I passed the mental test.
Schultz!
Come on, Schultz...
"Come on, Schultz..."
Fancy bumping into you.
Major Hochstetter, how
very nice of you to drop by.
If anyone makes an
unnecessary move, shoot to kill.
Shoot to kill?
What do you have in
the truck, prisoners?
No, dancing girls.
Of course prisoners!
The most important
prisoners you will ever see...
Every important leader of
the underground movement.
Well, my congratulations,
Major Hochstetter.
What is this man doing here?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Major Hochstetter,
this is the American
prisoner, Colonel Hogan.
Colonel Hogan, this is...
Klink, did I ask
for an introduction?
I just thought I'd show
the new prisoners around,
with your permission, of course.
What is this man doing here?!
Schultz, escort Colonel Hogan
back to the barracks at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
A special armed guard is coming
to take these
prisoners to Berlin.
In the meantime, I
want you to prepare
a maximum-security
block for them.
Yes, sir, maximum security.
You can depend on me.
I am sure it's not necessary
to tell you what
will happen to you
should there be an escape, hmm?
An escape from Stalag 13?
That's a good one.
You will be shot.
That's another good one.
What is this man doing here?!
Just leaving.
Colonel Hogan, those
prisoners won't escape
from Stalag 13, will they?
I don't know,
Schultz, but if they do,
I'll make sure you're
the first to know.
Please, Colonel
Hogan, if they do,
let me be the last to know.
Hi, Schultzy.
Have a cigarette?
Go on, Schultz.
Five guards with machine guns.
They're sure not
taking any chances
with those
underground prisoners.
And look who's
guarding us... Schultz.
I think it's a plot to
make us feel worthless.
We will be if we don't
free those prisoners.
I don't want to seem
negative, Colonel,
but getting those new
prisoners out of the cooler
won't exactly be
a piece of cake.
That translates into
French as rien à faire
and then back into English
as meaning
definitely impossible.
I'm with you.
From Hilda.
Information on the
underground prisoners.
"Lydon from Austria,
Albins from Belgium,
Calaruso from Italy,
Belét from France."
The major leaders
of the underground.
With those fellas out of action,
the Resistance movement
will be at a standstill.
Well, what are we
going to do about it?
It's simple... a tunnel.
We dig a tunnel.
Forget it.
It would take a
week to dig a tunnel.
That special escort
will be here any day.
Well, all right.
It was a rotten idea,
but at least I was first.
The cooler they're
being kept in...
It's in pretty bad
shape, isn't it?
Shocking.
And with the Red
Cross inspector due,
it should be put in shape
like the rest of the camp...
New mattresses,
new stove, right?
Right, but I still don't see
how that's going to help
us get those prisoners out.
Good.
Maybe Klink won't
see how either.
And despite adverse conditions,
I am again forced to report
that Stalag 13 is operating
at 100% efficiency.
I guess that sums
it up, Fraulein Hilda.
Wouldn't you say so?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Is that all?
Not quite.
You see, I just
came into possession
of a perfectly
splendid bottle of wine,
and I thought possibly this
afternoon you and I could...
Not today, Colonel.
I just don't quite
feel up to it.
Perhaps tomorrow?
Fill out that memo in triplicate
and send it out immediately.
Of course, sir.
Hogan, I don't recall
having sent for you.
Not a very friendly attitude.
I certainly hope the new camp
commandant is more agreeable.
New camp comma...
That's ridiculous!
You didn't expect
to keep your job
after the Red Cross
inspector sees this place?
You know, Hogan, there are times
when you can be most tiresome,
and this is one of them.
Stalag 13 is a
model prison camp.
Really?
Every inch.
Including the cooler,
where the underground
prisoners are being held?
The comfort of those prisoners
is Major Hochstetter's
concern, not mine.
You're not concerned.
Well, I certainly think
Major Hochstetter
wouldn't want to hear that.
Hogan... Colonel,
I'm trying to help you.
Would Hochstetter do as much?
He gave the orders.
No one is to interfere
with his prisoners.
Sure, what does he care?
Is the Red Cross going
to mention his name
to the Inspector General?
You can bet your
monocle they won't.
But that's different.
Well, sure, it is.
But just remember,
the Inspector General
always has an extra ticket handy
for the Stalingrad Express.
Just a moment, Hogan.
What's to be done exactly?
Nothing much...
Clean up, a new stove.
We have new mattresses;
they should have new mattresses.
Otherwise the old ones will
stick out like a sore thumb.
But Major Hochstetter...
Change them when
Hochstetter isn't around.
It'll only take your
men a few minutes.
I'll supervise for you.
My men?
It's your idea.
Your men will change
them, and I will supervise.
I wouldn't have
it any other way.
Can't your men work any faster?
All right, come on, fellas.
Speed it up.
Look at the time.
They're supposed
to be finished by now.
Relax.
Hochstetter's in town, isn't he?
What if he comes
back early? So what?
Who's in charge here?
You give the orders.
You're not afraid
of Hochstetter.
If he interferes, tell him off.
Yes, of course.
I'm glad you feel that way,
because here he comes.
What is going on here, Klink?
What are these men doing
around the restricted area?
Major Hochstetter,
please control yourself.
We're just doing a
little housecleaning.
Housecleaning?
This is a prison.
Major Hochstetter,
back from town so soon?
Klink, isn't this
man ever locked up?
Careful how you talk
to Colonel Klink, sir.
The Gestapo
doesn't frighten him.
Hogan!
Sir, Colonel Hogan
is most cooperative.
It's the only way to be, sir.
And I'm sure you've got
more important things to do,
so don't let us hold you up.
What is this?
This is a mattress, sir.
I know it's a mattress.
What are you doing with it?
Oh, that's all right, Major.
They are just
following my orders.
Oh?
The Red Cross inspector...
He would never approve
those mattresses.
Why? What's wrong with them?
Well, they're old, they're worn.
Probably contaminated.
They look all right to me.
Halt!
Hogan, you and your men...
The truck!
This is your idea
of housecleaning?
Major Hochstetter,
I don't understand.
Believe me...
Kruger!
From now on, anyone who
crosses this line will be shot...
Major Hochstetter...
Especially Colonel Klink.
This is unheard of.
I assure you...
Just a hunch, Colonel,
but I don't think you're
wanted around here.
We really blew that one.
All the way.
Yeah, the old
Kraut's going to be
pretty tough to live
with from now on.
Oh, I can handle Klink.
It's the guys in the
underground I'm worried about.
We can forget about them.
Hochstetter's doubled the guard.
LeBeau's right...
They're done for.
They won't get out
till the war's over.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
What's it?
What you said.
That's the answer.
They won't get out
until the war's over.
So?
It's simple.
We'll end the war.
Do you really think
we're going to convince
Klink and Hochstetter
that the war is over?
There's no guarantee,
but if we pull it off,
those underground
prisoners are going to go free.
It's got to be worth a try.
All right, good. Thomas?
The radio station in Hammelburg.
We'll take it exactly 4:55.
You got your script?
Yeah, right here.
All right, good. Newkirk?
I take care of the
switchboard, sir.
And you intercept
Hochstetter's call to Berlin.
What if he doesn't make it?
Don't worry, he'll make it.
LeBeau...
Dummy newspaper...
Plant it on Schultz.
Good. Now, Hilda
knows what to do?
Don't worry. She'll get
Klink to turn on the radio
at exactly 5:00, just for you...
and a pound of coffee
and six pair of nylons.
Ain't love grand?
Thanks.
Let's go.
Fraulein Hilda, one sip of this
and you won't be
able to control yourself.
Why, Colonel, whatever
gave you the idea
that I would want
to control myself?
Don't be bashful.
Bottoms up.
Mmm... that's marvelous.
It makes me feel warm all over.
Me, too.
But you haven't had any yet.
Oh.
Do you know
what I'd really like?
Name it.
Music.
Romantic music.
That was nice, ja?
And now our Fuhrer's favorite,
The Ride of the Valkyries,
dedicated to our victorious
troops on the Russian front.
Achtung! Achtung!
We interrupt this program
to bring you an
important news bulletin.
The war is over.
Armistice has been declared.
At 4:55 this afternoon, the
Berlin High Command announced
the end of hostilities between
Germany and the Allied forces,
officially ending the war.
We repeat, the war is over!
Stay tuned to this
station for further bulletins.
Fraulein Hilda,
did you hear that?
The war is over.
Call Colonel Hogan,
Major Hochstetter.
The war is over!
It's over! It's over.
But I tell you, I heard
it with my own ears.
Impossible!
There must be some mistake.
How could I make a mistake
about something like that?
If anybody could make a mistake
about something like
that, Klink, you are the one.
It was on the radio.
The High Command announced it.
I heard it with my own ears.
Fraulein Hilda heard it, too.
Fraulein Hilda!
Yes, sir.
Did you hear the
armistice announcement?
Well, I'm not sure.
You see, I was concentrating
on something else at the time.
Dear girl.
There must be some
way of confirming it.
Well, there's Colonel Bomberg.
Surely he would know.
Call him! Call him!
Very well, Klink,
but I warn you...
If you have me make
a fool of myself...
I tell you, it's true, sir.
It is true.
Operator.
Hello, operator.
Your call, please.
Ja, this is Major Hochstetter.
I want to speak to
Colonel Bomberg.
Colonel Bomberg's office.
Leutnant von Streckner speaking.
This is Major Hochstetter.
Is Colonel Bomberg in?
Jawohl, Major, but he
may have a little trouble
getting to the telephone.
The last time I saw him, he
was swinging from a chandelier.
Bomberg is swinging
from a chandelier.
Well, if the war isn't over,
he just cracked up.
Hello.
Hello, Bomberg.
Hochstetter here.
Bomberg, I wonder if you
could verify a rumor that...
It's all over, Hochstetter!
Did you hear the news?
It's over.
Ach, Liebchen, kommen
sie back to the party.
Hello.
Hello!
Heidi, I told you,
everybody out!
Hochstetter, it's
wild here, I tell you.
Wild!
I can't believe it.
Are you sure the war is over?
What is this, some
kind of a joke?
Sure, I'm sure.
Don't you think I know when
a war is over, Dummkopf?
Oh, of course, I do.
It's just that it's so sudden.
Look, if it's too sudden
for you, Hochstetter,
why don't you make
believe that the war is on
for a couple of days
while I go back to the party.
No, no, I heard that
the war was over.
I just wanted to check
with you to make sure.
You can take my word for it.
The war is definitely over.
Oh, what about the party?
Everybody's
coming and it's my...
Oh, Liebchen, give me one...
But you told me...
Ah, but ladies,
please, please...
You're tearing my uniform!
Get back!
Oh, so long, Hochstetter!
Well, it's over.
It's really over.
See, I told you so.
Yeah, not bad.
Not bad, Colonel.
Had me fooled for a minute,
but that hokey phone call.
Come on, Hochstetter!
Hokey phone call?
You went one step
too far, overdone.
It's like your German operas.
I heard it from Bomberg himself.
Hey, Schultzy, did you
drop this can of chocolate?
Did I?
You must have, it isn't mine.
I'll get it for you.
Ah, ah!
I wouldn't ask a prisoner to do
something I would not do myself.
Ja, it is mine.
I must have a hole in my pocket.
You also have one
in your character.
No one is perfect.
Ha!
"D-Der Krieg Ist Zu Ende!"
Der... der Krieg ist zu Ende!
Believe me, Hogan, if
Bomberg says the war is over,
the war is over.
Really, Hogan, you're the
most stubborn man I've ever met.
I'm not stubborn,
I'm wise to you.
You release the prisoners,
they walk out the gate,
the Gestapo's waiting
outside with machine guns...
"Shot while escaping."
I'm just not buying it, Klink.
Colonel!
Colonel!
Colonel, it's over!
The war is over!
Well, Hogan,
what do you say now?
I... I don't know what to think.
I am the colonel,
you are the sergeant,
and you are not discharged yet.
Speaking of discharges, what
are you planning on doing, Colonel,
I mean, if the
war is really over?
Well, back to civilian life.
You know, Hogan, a man with
my experience as a bookkeeper
shouldn't have any
trouble finding work.
All the big companies
need bookkeepers.
How about you, Schultz?
I was in toys, but the government
took over the toy factory
for the war effort.
Now that the war is over,
I hope they're going to
give back the toy factory.
Then we can make toys again.
And what company
was it, Schultz?
The Schatzi Toy Company.
Oh.
Hogan, you wouldn't
know about that,
but the Schatzi Toy Company
is the biggest toy company
in all of Germany.
Schultz, do you think your boss
would give you your
old job back, huh?
Why not?
I'm the boss.
You own the Schatzi Toy Company?
Jawohl.
Schultz, would you like a cigar?
Thank you, Colonel.
Please don't call me "Colonel."
Call me "Wilhelm."
Danke, Wilhelm.
Hogan, you're a free man.
The war is over.
You may go.
If you don't mind, I'll wait.
I'm still not sold.
Do as you wish.
Of course it's really none of
my business, Major Hochstetter,
but you could help erase the
bad image the Gestapo has
by releasing your prisoners now.
I mean, they're civilians...
That is, if the
war is really over.
Hogan, the war is over!
But I think I'd better wait.
A special armed
guard is on its way here
from Berlin to pick them up.
Believe me, Hochstetter,
those armed guards turned back
the moment they heard the news.
While you're here
waiting for them,
they're back in Berlin
dancing in the streets.
You may be right.
And I think Colonel Hogan
had a very good suggestion.
I don't think it
would do any harm
for the Gestapo to act
a little bit more human.
Klink!
Careful, the war is over.
You know what?
What?
I think I will go
release my prisoners.
Now I'm convinced
the war is over.
♪ In all my dreams ♪
♪ In all my dreams... ♪
Look at them.
I told them they can go
and they're having
such a good time,
they don't want to leave.
No one ever wants
to leave Stalag 13.
Excuse me a minute.
I should be sharing this
moment with my men.
All right, hold it, hold it.
We didn't go to all this work
just to have the eight of
you organize a singing group.
Sorry, Colonel, we
couldn't tell them.
Schultz was here.
Okay, beat it.
Haven't you heard, Colonel?
The war is over!
I know, the five of us ended it,
and as soon as Klink
and Hochstetter find out,
they're going to
start it up again.
What a beautiful job.
How did you do it?
No time now.
You can read about it next
month in Stars and Stripes,
now beat it.
Keep up the good work.
Yeah, same to you.
Come on.
Good-bye, then.
Hold it, hold it.
You guys should go in style.
Major Hochstetter, can I
see you a minute, please?
Don't push your luck, Colonel.
Haven't you heard,
there's a war on.
You've got to take chances.
Yes?
Your... your prisoners
have decided to leave us,
but it's a long hike into town.
I was wondering if they
might borrow your car.
Borrow my car?
Well, they'll return it
tomorrow, won't you, fellas?
Yeah.
These are going to
be big men in industry,
and who knows?
You may need a job.
Well, I don't...
Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll sign for it.
If they don't return
it, I'll pay for it.
Yes, but...
What difference does it make?
The war's over.
Well, yes, the
war is over... but...
Well, all right, take the car.
Well, gentlemen,
shall we celebrate?
Ah, General Busse, this
is indeed a great pleasure.
Speak for yourself, Klink.
Now, what is this...
Guards without guns,
uniforms unbuttoned,
prisoners running wild?
Well, I...
You call this discipline?
No, sir.
General.
At ease.
I heard in Berlin that
congratulations are in order.
Capturing those
underground leaders
is quite a feather
in your cap, huh?
Thank you, General.
Of course, it doesn't
mean as much now, hmm?
Now that the war is over?
The what is what?
The war... it's over.
The war is over.
That's right, General.
Haven't you heard?
No, and neither
have the Americans.
They bombed Berlin
just one-half hour ago.
You mean the war isn't over?
Of course it is not over!
Gee, Hochstetter,
what a bad break,
and after you let those four
underground prisoners go.
But you made a lot of
friends for the Gestapo.
You stupid fool, you!
You have been tricked.
And you... you...
you idiot, you.
I will see to it that you are...
Sir, I hate to butt in,
but all of Colonel Klink's
prisoners are still here.
That's right.
That's right!
Schultz, close the gates.
The war is back on.
I will deal with
you back in Berlin.
Now follow me in your car.
My car?
I...
Well, sir...
my car...
Uh, sir, knowing
your sense of fair play,
you can understand the major
lending his car
to the prisoners.
I mean, it's miles to town.
You did what?!
Get in my car!
Amazing, Hogan,
absolutely amazing.
What was, sir?
That the underground
could create such a hoax.
I'm surprised they
fooled the Gestapo.
Well, it didn't surprise me.
I'll remember that.
You'll forget it.
Wilhelm, if you work
for me after the war,
I hope you won't
be so easily fooled.
You and Hochstetter...
The war is not over.
The war is not over.
Out?
Out!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
What was that you
said about the Gestapo?
Forget it.
He would make a
lousy bookkeeper.