Hitmen (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Money - full transcript
Fran and Jamie have captured their next target - an embezzling accountant - only to discover that their client wants them to extract information from her. As Fran says, torture is not really their thing.
'Hello, Fran Fernandez?'
Er, yes?
'This is Linda from
the Fraud Prevention Team.
We've noticed some suspicious
activity on your card.
As a precaution, Mrs Fernandez,
I'd like to go through
some of your recent purchases.
Is this a good time?'
Yeah, sure.
'Did you purchase a couples spa
weekend at the Carinthia Hotel?'
That was probably my husband.
We share an account.
Sometimes he will make purchases
without my knowing.
'Oh, I'm sorry. I've probably
ruined a nice surprise for you.'
Oh, God, don't worry.
He won't be taking ME.
'OK. You're absolutely sure
it's your husband using the card?'
Yeah. Pretty sure.
Linda, can I just check
the last transaction?
'Let's see. 03:35 AM,
I've got bottle service
in a nightclub called
Snakes And Lads.'
Oh, yes, that's definitely Joao.
It's his favourite gay bar.
'It's for £2,600.'
Gosh. Tha-That is...
That is a lot, isn't it?
I will very much bring that up
with my husband when he gets home.
'You have a nice day now.'
Thanks so much, Linda.
Stop trying to run away.
What?
Of course I'm trying
to bloody run away!
Will you two please
quit cocking about?
You are making a huge mistake.
When my people realise
I'm missing,
they're gonna find you two clowns
and bury you in your own shit.
Wait. You've got people?
I'm the head of
a wealth management firm
operating in over 100 countries.
My house has four AGAs.
Of course I have fucking people!
Well, Mr K...
..also has people...
Us. If you pull that trigger,
your boss is gonna lose
a lot more than the few hundred
thousand quid I've skimmed.
Hello?
Yeah, we've got her.
Let me speak to him. Put him on.
She wants to talk to you.
Christian?
Hi, good evening. How are you?
Listen, this has all been
terrific fun,
but er, here's the thing.
I've been quietly putting
all your savings
into a high-security bank account
that only I can access.
Think of it as an insurance policy.
Clever. I'd never think of that.
Yeah, and that's why this suit cost
more than everything you two own.
I doubt it. Fran's got an Xbox.
Now, here's the really juicy part.
If I don't sign into
that account every six hours,
it becomes permanently frozen.
Bye-bye, savings.
Hello, Chicken Cottage.
It's a fast-food restaurant.
My stepson goes there
when he's on drugs.
The fact is, I last signed in,
let's see, around three hours ago,
so you might want to let me go
sooner rather than later.
OK?
Oh. He wants to speak to you.
Get the password how?
Torture her?
Erm...
torture isn't really our thing.
We just like a nice clean kill.
Tell him if he lets me go now,
I'll split the money 50-50.
Waterboarding?
Oh, no, no way.
Racking?
Riding the rail.
The brazen bull?
These torture techniques
look like tantric sex positions.
Fran, this is not our bag.
No.
I mean, it's one thing
killing somebody but...
popping their tips in a laminator,
I mean...
Listen! Your boss isn't an idiot.
He will take the deal,
and when he does,
if you've so much as
scuffed my Louboutins,
I'm gonna make sure
he has you killed,
then resuscitated by a team
of very expensive Swiss surgeons
and then killed again.
There's no way we're doing
any of that awful stuff.
We need to...
We need to think out of the box.
Mints. Extra Strong.
Pop three of these in her mouth
at once and...
Not exactly Saw, is it?
Oh, God, it's Joao.
Is he stealing from you again?
Jamie, it's not stealing.
He's simply taking my money
without permission.
He's been with you for six months?
Mm. He's got his visa now.
You could be out there,
meeting someone
that means something to you.
Fran...
Do you know, I can totally
see you getting it together
with a Salma Hayek figure, yeah?
And she is not gonna steal money
from you, because she is loaded.
Can I just say, I dated for years
and all I ever got was heartbreak...
and the occasional bout
of oral thrush.
Oi! Loose Women!
Tick-fucking-tock!
Tell Mr K to take the deal!
Fran, talking of oral thrush -
I don't have time
to give her that now.
No, why don't we seduce her
with a bit of S-and-M
hostage role-play?
Now, I'm totally up for it,
but full disclosure,
I am on day four of these Spanx,
so...
Oh, God.
I don't know
who would be into that.
What, you've never tried role-play
in the bedroom? Er...
sex is like life, Jamie.
You just want to rattle
through it quickly
and then apologise.
Although, having said that...
..it doesn't always work.
This guy I'm seeing at the moment.
There is nothing about Colin
I can get excited about.
It's like having sex
with a piece of Shredded Wheat.
I've burned through most of
my role-play repertoire
trying to spice things up a bit -
you know, the French maid,
the naughty nurse,
the disgraced dentist.
He's not into any of it.
Trust me, this is a waste
of everyone's time!
My personal trainer says
I have the pain threshold
of someone in
a medically-induced coma!
Right. Listen.
If we're gonna get that psycho
to break...
we need to get in here.
Into your head.
Into HER head, Jamie.
Sounds intense.
It can be.
Leave this to me.
I don't want you to get caught
in the crossfire.
Come on. That's it.
Let it all out.
I'm...
The thing is,
it's really hard, you know,
because I really try and I try,
and I don't get anything back.
We're not properly married but -
Fran, you need to wise up.
Tell this Joao
what I told my mother last week.
If you can't pay your way,
you're on the streets.
Oh. Sorry.
It's just it... Well, it's been...
It's been a while.
Just thought I'd check in.
See how the...
I've just been telling Fran here
that she needs to be
more assertive with this...
excuse my French, fuck-wit Joao.
He is walking all over her.
Thank you!
Yeah.
That's what I've been telling her.
Fran...
she's right.
Joao is taking the piss.
Yeah, listen to your friend, Fran.
Yeah. I... I will.
And you're... you're both right.
I'm gonna go call him now
and tell him he now I feel.
Oh, good girl!
Thank you.
Thank you again.
I'll tidy myself up
and speak to him.
Right, you're gonna give me
the password.
Come on, then. What have you got?
Joao?
Joao, it's me.
Your sham wife?
Joao, turn the music down.
Turn the music down!
I don't care there's a foam party.
Just please get them
out of the house.
OK, listen.
I will shut down that joint account
unless you start contributing.
Contributing.
Con...
Oh, fuck, hang on, what is it?
Con... Oh, hang on.
Contribuir - that's it!
How are you er...
doing with those?
Ready to talk? I've actually had
a bit of a sniffle coming on,
so it is helping to clear out
the old nasal passage.
I'm actually rubbish
at this torture stuff.
Jamie, don't do yourself down.
I think you're the brains
of this outfit
Really?
Yes, it's so obvious.
Fran's out there,
yacking away to her husband
while you're in here
manning the ship.
You're the one
who's really in charge.
And that's why I'm going
to give you the password.
For what?
The bank account.
Wait, seriously?
Yes.
OK. Are you ready?
The password is... two.
That's it, just two?
Yeah. Nice and simple
so I don't forget it.
Smart.
Are you gonna call your boss
and tell him?
I actually...
I'm not allowed to call Mr K.
It's usually Fran -
Uh-oh-oh-oh, Jamie?
I thought we'd just agreed
that you're in charge?
Who's the one who's got
the password? The password?
To the bank account!
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Wait, what was it again?
Two! Two.
Two. Got it.
Can you imagine how pleased
he'll be when you call and tell him?
He'll probably give you
some kind of special reward.
I don't know what you're into.
A... bicycle?
Or a... button?
Hoo. Great news.
Joao has finally agreed
to pull his weight financially.
Great. Yep, he's planning
to set up a nightclub,
which, if my Portuguese
translation is correct,
I think he's gonna call
Cock-A-Hoop.
What are you doing?
Calling Mr K.
Why? You're not supposed
to do that!
Hang on, I broke her.
I've got the password.
It's two.
What do you mean it's two?
It's two? It's just two.
Can you believe it?
No, I can't believe it
because it's not just two.
She's playing... Give me that.
No! Just cos you're jealous.
Cos I'm manning the ship.
Rubbish!
Er, hello, Mr K?
Yep, erm...
Well, we just wanted
to ring in and erm...
well, just see how you are, really.
How are you?
And how's...
Right. Just shut the fuck up.
I will do that. And...
Yeah, I'll get on with it now.
Yes, because my life depends on it.
Thank you for...
Lovely to catch up.
This is turning out to be
quite fun.
If we can't make her give us
the password in the next hour,
we are both dead.
Mate, I promise you, I'm pushing
my brain to the absolute limit.
Who's that? Oh...
God, it's Colin.
That's Colin?
Yep.
Colin you've been seeing?
Yes.
Mr Shredded Wheat?
Yep.
God. You didn't tell me
he was coming.
You also didn't tell me
he was so insanely hot.
I dropped a pin,
and he's brought us some soup.
Erm... that's your boyfriend?
What escort agency is he with?
What does he think we do?
TV licence inspectors.
That's not even a thing anymore.
You might as well have said
we're chimney sweeps.
What do you tell Joao?
He's never really asked.
Does Colin charge by the hour?
Will you shut up?
Or I'll kill you.
You won't get the password.
Fine. I'll wee in a bath every day
and drown you in it.
I've got a client who'd pay
a lot of money for that.
The soup is gonna be cold.
So let's deal with this.
Hey, babe.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late. The orphanage
is really understaffed the moment,
so it was tough to get away.
Whatever.
You must be Fran.
Hi.
Did you say you worked...
in an orphanage?
Volunteer.
My day job is swimwear modelling,
but that's just
to put bread on the table.
My true passion has always been
my work with disadvantaged kids.
Do you do couples?
Who's that?
TV licence dodger.
You put them in the van with you?
Well, it's the only way
those cheating bastards will learn.
Yes.
Thank you.
No worries.
It was worth it just to see you.
Listen, Jamie...
Now what? I was thinking a lot
about, you know, the other night.
I can get into
the naughty nurse thing,
as long as we make it clear
that I'm only naughty
in my own time.
What about the croutons?
Just leave them outside. Cheers.
You know,
I usually use Omega Escorts,
but the last one they sent me
was such a let-down.
Six-foot seven,
completely hairless
and hung like
a frightened lab rat.
God, he's such a dork.
That's it. Off you fuck.
Vegetable soup!
Classic Colin.
If you're not going to eat it,
can I have some?
Sure.
Whoa! Whoa, there.
If she's that hungry,
we can maybe use it to break her.
I'm not gonna get so hungry
in the next two hours
that I give up millions of pounds.
I'm not a cartoon bear!
All right, fine.
It's quite nice, actually.
God. What a fuck-up.
I know, right?
Vegetable soup. He is such a tit.
No... Oh, forget it.
Hang on, what's in that?
Ooh, er... onions...
celery, soy sauce -
Soy sauce?
Shitting hell!
I am seriously allergic to soy!
You have to get me to a hospital.
Oh, nice try.
No, I'm not fucking around!
Bullshit!
Oh, God! Stay with us,
you horrid, fancy cow!
Oh, God, she's passing out!
No, we need to keep alive
until she gives us the password.
What do you do with
allergic reactions? I don't know.
How about a YouTube tutorial?
That's a great idea. Look it up.
Breathe. Breathe.
First aid.
Yeah.
Allergic reaction. Great!
'I know what you're thinking...'
Skip the ad!
How do I skip it?
"Skip ad"! Four seconds.
Bottom right!
There's no skip... Got it!
'Hello, and welcome
to Emergency Room For You.'
'In this three-hour tutorial...'
For fuck sake!
Maybe we should take her to hospital.
No, it's too risky.
Who else is gonna help us with this?
'..Dairy, shellfish...'
No!
I am not calling Liz and Charles.
Do we have a choice?
Calling Mr K's A-team
to mop up your mess again?
So pathetic.
Setting up all this shit just so
you have an excuse to see me.
In my dreams. Er, your dreams.
There we go.
She should be absolutely fine.
You skip lunch?
Cos you got some hungry eyes, girl.
Thanks, Charles. You're a lifesaver.
Oh, no, honestly,
it's been an honour.
It's been really lovely to flex
the old medical muscles again.
Reminds me of my time when I was
an Army nurse in Helmand.
Good times. Can't go back.
Literally.
We left it in an absolute mess.
Come on, Charles!
We got better things to do than...
bail out these assholes.
Well, if Mr K loses all his money,
you'll be out of job.
Anyway, why are you all
dressed up in that sexy outfit?
I mean, not that I find it sexy.
Not my bag at all.
Don't like it.
Can't look at it. Urgh.
We're infiltrating a sex party.
Billionaire Russian pervs.
Why don't we get jobs like that?
Yeah, well, no offence,
but you're less high-end sex party,
more Warhammer convention.
Righty-ho, keep her off
anything soy-based.
She was very lucky this time.
Charles, we couldn't borrow
that stuff, could we?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Thanks.
Charles, are they really gonna
let you in wearing that?
Me? Oh, I'm actually not going in.
I'm gonna be in the car park.
Liz's orders.
So why are you wearing that?
Just feels nice.
Fuck sake, Charles! Let's go!
OK.
Why did you keep talking
to those idiots?
I was boiling in there
with his goddamn thing on.
My body's slicker than
a fucking sea otter right now!
Other side.
Give us the password.
No.
All right.
Jamie, what have we got?
Ooh, I've got tofu,
edamame beans,
miso dressing -
Taste The Difference.
Flumps, some teriyaki
Sorry, Flumps?
Do they have soy in them?
No.
Sorry, I got those for me.
You can't kill me.
We both know you're bluffing.
You're right, I can't kill you,
but what I can do...
is just take you
to the very brink...
again and again and again,
and then just bring you back.
Anyway, Jamie, I think I'd like
to start with the salmon teriyaki,
please.
Shouldn't we start small?
Oh, I'm done fucking around.
Let us commence.
Mmm.
Oh, fine, fine, fine!
I'll give you the password.
It's encrypted so you need
to take to my office.
Now get that sushi out of my face!
How long's this gonna take?
I'm going as fast as I can.
There's a very complex
security system.
This isn't Pigeon Canyon.
What's Pigeon Canyon?
It's an online game for children.
My stepson got kicked off it
for using it as a platform
to sell Ecstasy.
Oh, is this him?
Please don't touch that.
It's very precious.
See? You love him really.
No, I loathe him
but the frame is a Lalique.
Oh, God, it's Joao.
"My heart is chock-a-block
with sorry."
He's using some rubbish
new translation app.
Erm,
"Cock-A-Hoop is a no-go-go-go,
but I will promise
I will find wet assets."
I presume he means "liquid".
There's a...
Hang on, there's a link to a page.
See? He's not all bad.
Mate, I was too quick to judge him.
It's an eBay page. Hang on.
What...?
Hang on,
he's selling all my stuff online.
Look, those are my shoes.
My laptop's selling for a tenner.
You are not bidding
on my laptop, Jamie.
Who the fuck is that?
Oh! The cavalry's here.
Told you I had people!
Get down. Get down.
Where's your gun?
It's in the van.
Well, why would you do that?
This was our weapon of choice.
Oh, don't be ridic-
No!
I'm over he-
Ow! You bit me, you bitch!
Is that teriyaki on your hand?
Gimme the injection!
Yeah?
Oi!
What are you doing, Brian?
You nearly bloody killed me!
Fran, get the gun!
What do you think I'm trying to do?
Oh, fuck.
Come here!
Shit!
Oh, fuck!
Well, your cavalry's dead.
Help me. Please.
Only if you give us what we need.
You'll just kill me.
You're gonna die anyway.
If you give us the password,
there's a small chance
Mr K might let you live.
Yep.
She's doing it now.
It's gone.
Have you got it?
Great.
OK, what do you want us
to do with her?
OK.
No, hang on. You said -
I did say it was
a very small chance.
No, no, no, no, no!
Yes!
What?
You've just bought my laptop,
haven't you?
Mate, it was real bargain.
I'm thinking I'm finally ready to
have a baby, Fran.
It's fresh... Why did you just lick
that poo? I don't know.
Why have you got an egg on your
head?
It's a responsibility exercise, I'm
thinking of having a kid.
Any funny business...
Right.
Er, yes?
'This is Linda from
the Fraud Prevention Team.
We've noticed some suspicious
activity on your card.
As a precaution, Mrs Fernandez,
I'd like to go through
some of your recent purchases.
Is this a good time?'
Yeah, sure.
'Did you purchase a couples spa
weekend at the Carinthia Hotel?'
That was probably my husband.
We share an account.
Sometimes he will make purchases
without my knowing.
'Oh, I'm sorry. I've probably
ruined a nice surprise for you.'
Oh, God, don't worry.
He won't be taking ME.
'OK. You're absolutely sure
it's your husband using the card?'
Yeah. Pretty sure.
Linda, can I just check
the last transaction?
'Let's see. 03:35 AM,
I've got bottle service
in a nightclub called
Snakes And Lads.'
Oh, yes, that's definitely Joao.
It's his favourite gay bar.
'It's for £2,600.'
Gosh. Tha-That is...
That is a lot, isn't it?
I will very much bring that up
with my husband when he gets home.
'You have a nice day now.'
Thanks so much, Linda.
Stop trying to run away.
What?
Of course I'm trying
to bloody run away!
Will you two please
quit cocking about?
You are making a huge mistake.
When my people realise
I'm missing,
they're gonna find you two clowns
and bury you in your own shit.
Wait. You've got people?
I'm the head of
a wealth management firm
operating in over 100 countries.
My house has four AGAs.
Of course I have fucking people!
Well, Mr K...
..also has people...
Us. If you pull that trigger,
your boss is gonna lose
a lot more than the few hundred
thousand quid I've skimmed.
Hello?
Yeah, we've got her.
Let me speak to him. Put him on.
She wants to talk to you.
Christian?
Hi, good evening. How are you?
Listen, this has all been
terrific fun,
but er, here's the thing.
I've been quietly putting
all your savings
into a high-security bank account
that only I can access.
Think of it as an insurance policy.
Clever. I'd never think of that.
Yeah, and that's why this suit cost
more than everything you two own.
I doubt it. Fran's got an Xbox.
Now, here's the really juicy part.
If I don't sign into
that account every six hours,
it becomes permanently frozen.
Bye-bye, savings.
Hello, Chicken Cottage.
It's a fast-food restaurant.
My stepson goes there
when he's on drugs.
The fact is, I last signed in,
let's see, around three hours ago,
so you might want to let me go
sooner rather than later.
OK?
Oh. He wants to speak to you.
Get the password how?
Torture her?
Erm...
torture isn't really our thing.
We just like a nice clean kill.
Tell him if he lets me go now,
I'll split the money 50-50.
Waterboarding?
Oh, no, no way.
Racking?
Riding the rail.
The brazen bull?
These torture techniques
look like tantric sex positions.
Fran, this is not our bag.
No.
I mean, it's one thing
killing somebody but...
popping their tips in a laminator,
I mean...
Listen! Your boss isn't an idiot.
He will take the deal,
and when he does,
if you've so much as
scuffed my Louboutins,
I'm gonna make sure
he has you killed,
then resuscitated by a team
of very expensive Swiss surgeons
and then killed again.
There's no way we're doing
any of that awful stuff.
We need to...
We need to think out of the box.
Mints. Extra Strong.
Pop three of these in her mouth
at once and...
Not exactly Saw, is it?
Oh, God, it's Joao.
Is he stealing from you again?
Jamie, it's not stealing.
He's simply taking my money
without permission.
He's been with you for six months?
Mm. He's got his visa now.
You could be out there,
meeting someone
that means something to you.
Fran...
Do you know, I can totally
see you getting it together
with a Salma Hayek figure, yeah?
And she is not gonna steal money
from you, because she is loaded.
Can I just say, I dated for years
and all I ever got was heartbreak...
and the occasional bout
of oral thrush.
Oi! Loose Women!
Tick-fucking-tock!
Tell Mr K to take the deal!
Fran, talking of oral thrush -
I don't have time
to give her that now.
No, why don't we seduce her
with a bit of S-and-M
hostage role-play?
Now, I'm totally up for it,
but full disclosure,
I am on day four of these Spanx,
so...
Oh, God.
I don't know
who would be into that.
What, you've never tried role-play
in the bedroom? Er...
sex is like life, Jamie.
You just want to rattle
through it quickly
and then apologise.
Although, having said that...
..it doesn't always work.
This guy I'm seeing at the moment.
There is nothing about Colin
I can get excited about.
It's like having sex
with a piece of Shredded Wheat.
I've burned through most of
my role-play repertoire
trying to spice things up a bit -
you know, the French maid,
the naughty nurse,
the disgraced dentist.
He's not into any of it.
Trust me, this is a waste
of everyone's time!
My personal trainer says
I have the pain threshold
of someone in
a medically-induced coma!
Right. Listen.
If we're gonna get that psycho
to break...
we need to get in here.
Into your head.
Into HER head, Jamie.
Sounds intense.
It can be.
Leave this to me.
I don't want you to get caught
in the crossfire.
Come on. That's it.
Let it all out.
I'm...
The thing is,
it's really hard, you know,
because I really try and I try,
and I don't get anything back.
We're not properly married but -
Fran, you need to wise up.
Tell this Joao
what I told my mother last week.
If you can't pay your way,
you're on the streets.
Oh. Sorry.
It's just it... Well, it's been...
It's been a while.
Just thought I'd check in.
See how the...
I've just been telling Fran here
that she needs to be
more assertive with this...
excuse my French, fuck-wit Joao.
He is walking all over her.
Thank you!
Yeah.
That's what I've been telling her.
Fran...
she's right.
Joao is taking the piss.
Yeah, listen to your friend, Fran.
Yeah. I... I will.
And you're... you're both right.
I'm gonna go call him now
and tell him he now I feel.
Oh, good girl!
Thank you.
Thank you again.
I'll tidy myself up
and speak to him.
Right, you're gonna give me
the password.
Come on, then. What have you got?
Joao?
Joao, it's me.
Your sham wife?
Joao, turn the music down.
Turn the music down!
I don't care there's a foam party.
Just please get them
out of the house.
OK, listen.
I will shut down that joint account
unless you start contributing.
Contributing.
Con...
Oh, fuck, hang on, what is it?
Con... Oh, hang on.
Contribuir - that's it!
How are you er...
doing with those?
Ready to talk? I've actually had
a bit of a sniffle coming on,
so it is helping to clear out
the old nasal passage.
I'm actually rubbish
at this torture stuff.
Jamie, don't do yourself down.
I think you're the brains
of this outfit
Really?
Yes, it's so obvious.
Fran's out there,
yacking away to her husband
while you're in here
manning the ship.
You're the one
who's really in charge.
And that's why I'm going
to give you the password.
For what?
The bank account.
Wait, seriously?
Yes.
OK. Are you ready?
The password is... two.
That's it, just two?
Yeah. Nice and simple
so I don't forget it.
Smart.
Are you gonna call your boss
and tell him?
I actually...
I'm not allowed to call Mr K.
It's usually Fran -
Uh-oh-oh-oh, Jamie?
I thought we'd just agreed
that you're in charge?
Who's the one who's got
the password? The password?
To the bank account!
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Wait, what was it again?
Two! Two.
Two. Got it.
Can you imagine how pleased
he'll be when you call and tell him?
He'll probably give you
some kind of special reward.
I don't know what you're into.
A... bicycle?
Or a... button?
Hoo. Great news.
Joao has finally agreed
to pull his weight financially.
Great. Yep, he's planning
to set up a nightclub,
which, if my Portuguese
translation is correct,
I think he's gonna call
Cock-A-Hoop.
What are you doing?
Calling Mr K.
Why? You're not supposed
to do that!
Hang on, I broke her.
I've got the password.
It's two.
What do you mean it's two?
It's two? It's just two.
Can you believe it?
No, I can't believe it
because it's not just two.
She's playing... Give me that.
No! Just cos you're jealous.
Cos I'm manning the ship.
Rubbish!
Er, hello, Mr K?
Yep, erm...
Well, we just wanted
to ring in and erm...
well, just see how you are, really.
How are you?
And how's...
Right. Just shut the fuck up.
I will do that. And...
Yeah, I'll get on with it now.
Yes, because my life depends on it.
Thank you for...
Lovely to catch up.
This is turning out to be
quite fun.
If we can't make her give us
the password in the next hour,
we are both dead.
Mate, I promise you, I'm pushing
my brain to the absolute limit.
Who's that? Oh...
God, it's Colin.
That's Colin?
Yep.
Colin you've been seeing?
Yes.
Mr Shredded Wheat?
Yep.
God. You didn't tell me
he was coming.
You also didn't tell me
he was so insanely hot.
I dropped a pin,
and he's brought us some soup.
Erm... that's your boyfriend?
What escort agency is he with?
What does he think we do?
TV licence inspectors.
That's not even a thing anymore.
You might as well have said
we're chimney sweeps.
What do you tell Joao?
He's never really asked.
Does Colin charge by the hour?
Will you shut up?
Or I'll kill you.
You won't get the password.
Fine. I'll wee in a bath every day
and drown you in it.
I've got a client who'd pay
a lot of money for that.
The soup is gonna be cold.
So let's deal with this.
Hey, babe.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late. The orphanage
is really understaffed the moment,
so it was tough to get away.
Whatever.
You must be Fran.
Hi.
Did you say you worked...
in an orphanage?
Volunteer.
My day job is swimwear modelling,
but that's just
to put bread on the table.
My true passion has always been
my work with disadvantaged kids.
Do you do couples?
Who's that?
TV licence dodger.
You put them in the van with you?
Well, it's the only way
those cheating bastards will learn.
Yes.
Thank you.
No worries.
It was worth it just to see you.
Listen, Jamie...
Now what? I was thinking a lot
about, you know, the other night.
I can get into
the naughty nurse thing,
as long as we make it clear
that I'm only naughty
in my own time.
What about the croutons?
Just leave them outside. Cheers.
You know,
I usually use Omega Escorts,
but the last one they sent me
was such a let-down.
Six-foot seven,
completely hairless
and hung like
a frightened lab rat.
God, he's such a dork.
That's it. Off you fuck.
Vegetable soup!
Classic Colin.
If you're not going to eat it,
can I have some?
Sure.
Whoa! Whoa, there.
If she's that hungry,
we can maybe use it to break her.
I'm not gonna get so hungry
in the next two hours
that I give up millions of pounds.
I'm not a cartoon bear!
All right, fine.
It's quite nice, actually.
God. What a fuck-up.
I know, right?
Vegetable soup. He is such a tit.
No... Oh, forget it.
Hang on, what's in that?
Ooh, er... onions...
celery, soy sauce -
Soy sauce?
Shitting hell!
I am seriously allergic to soy!
You have to get me to a hospital.
Oh, nice try.
No, I'm not fucking around!
Bullshit!
Oh, God! Stay with us,
you horrid, fancy cow!
Oh, God, she's passing out!
No, we need to keep alive
until she gives us the password.
What do you do with
allergic reactions? I don't know.
How about a YouTube tutorial?
That's a great idea. Look it up.
Breathe. Breathe.
First aid.
Yeah.
Allergic reaction. Great!
'I know what you're thinking...'
Skip the ad!
How do I skip it?
"Skip ad"! Four seconds.
Bottom right!
There's no skip... Got it!
'Hello, and welcome
to Emergency Room For You.'
'In this three-hour tutorial...'
For fuck sake!
Maybe we should take her to hospital.
No, it's too risky.
Who else is gonna help us with this?
'..Dairy, shellfish...'
No!
I am not calling Liz and Charles.
Do we have a choice?
Calling Mr K's A-team
to mop up your mess again?
So pathetic.
Setting up all this shit just so
you have an excuse to see me.
In my dreams. Er, your dreams.
There we go.
She should be absolutely fine.
You skip lunch?
Cos you got some hungry eyes, girl.
Thanks, Charles. You're a lifesaver.
Oh, no, honestly,
it's been an honour.
It's been really lovely to flex
the old medical muscles again.
Reminds me of my time when I was
an Army nurse in Helmand.
Good times. Can't go back.
Literally.
We left it in an absolute mess.
Come on, Charles!
We got better things to do than...
bail out these assholes.
Well, if Mr K loses all his money,
you'll be out of job.
Anyway, why are you all
dressed up in that sexy outfit?
I mean, not that I find it sexy.
Not my bag at all.
Don't like it.
Can't look at it. Urgh.
We're infiltrating a sex party.
Billionaire Russian pervs.
Why don't we get jobs like that?
Yeah, well, no offence,
but you're less high-end sex party,
more Warhammer convention.
Righty-ho, keep her off
anything soy-based.
She was very lucky this time.
Charles, we couldn't borrow
that stuff, could we?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Thanks.
Charles, are they really gonna
let you in wearing that?
Me? Oh, I'm actually not going in.
I'm gonna be in the car park.
Liz's orders.
So why are you wearing that?
Just feels nice.
Fuck sake, Charles! Let's go!
OK.
Why did you keep talking
to those idiots?
I was boiling in there
with his goddamn thing on.
My body's slicker than
a fucking sea otter right now!
Other side.
Give us the password.
No.
All right.
Jamie, what have we got?
Ooh, I've got tofu,
edamame beans,
miso dressing -
Taste The Difference.
Flumps, some teriyaki
Sorry, Flumps?
Do they have soy in them?
No.
Sorry, I got those for me.
You can't kill me.
We both know you're bluffing.
You're right, I can't kill you,
but what I can do...
is just take you
to the very brink...
again and again and again,
and then just bring you back.
Anyway, Jamie, I think I'd like
to start with the salmon teriyaki,
please.
Shouldn't we start small?
Oh, I'm done fucking around.
Let us commence.
Mmm.
Oh, fine, fine, fine!
I'll give you the password.
It's encrypted so you need
to take to my office.
Now get that sushi out of my face!
How long's this gonna take?
I'm going as fast as I can.
There's a very complex
security system.
This isn't Pigeon Canyon.
What's Pigeon Canyon?
It's an online game for children.
My stepson got kicked off it
for using it as a platform
to sell Ecstasy.
Oh, is this him?
Please don't touch that.
It's very precious.
See? You love him really.
No, I loathe him
but the frame is a Lalique.
Oh, God, it's Joao.
"My heart is chock-a-block
with sorry."
He's using some rubbish
new translation app.
Erm,
"Cock-A-Hoop is a no-go-go-go,
but I will promise
I will find wet assets."
I presume he means "liquid".
There's a...
Hang on, there's a link to a page.
See? He's not all bad.
Mate, I was too quick to judge him.
It's an eBay page. Hang on.
What...?
Hang on,
he's selling all my stuff online.
Look, those are my shoes.
My laptop's selling for a tenner.
You are not bidding
on my laptop, Jamie.
Who the fuck is that?
Oh! The cavalry's here.
Told you I had people!
Get down. Get down.
Where's your gun?
It's in the van.
Well, why would you do that?
This was our weapon of choice.
Oh, don't be ridic-
No!
I'm over he-
Ow! You bit me, you bitch!
Is that teriyaki on your hand?
Gimme the injection!
Yeah?
Oi!
What are you doing, Brian?
You nearly bloody killed me!
Fran, get the gun!
What do you think I'm trying to do?
Oh, fuck.
Come here!
Shit!
Oh, fuck!
Well, your cavalry's dead.
Help me. Please.
Only if you give us what we need.
You'll just kill me.
You're gonna die anyway.
If you give us the password,
there's a small chance
Mr K might let you live.
Yep.
She's doing it now.
It's gone.
Have you got it?
Great.
OK, what do you want us
to do with her?
OK.
No, hang on. You said -
I did say it was
a very small chance.
No, no, no, no, no!
Yes!
What?
You've just bought my laptop,
haven't you?
Mate, it was real bargain.
I'm thinking I'm finally ready to
have a baby, Fran.
It's fresh... Why did you just lick
that poo? I don't know.
Why have you got an egg on your
head?
It's a responsibility exercise, I'm
thinking of having a kid.
Any funny business...
Right.