Hitmen (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Birthday - full transcript

OK!

- Look, stop struggling.
- We've got you, come on.

- What were you thinking?
- I do not know! OK? I panicked.

People do weird things when
they've got a gun in their face.

Ssh! Keep your voice down.

Help! They're trying to kill me!

I don't think I can
hold him for much longer.

- Help!
- Look, Nick, we're just trying to do our job.

Why don't we pull you up,

and then we'll kill you
in a civilised manner?

- Somebody please!
- Oh, God!



If we let go of you,
you're gonna die anyway.

All right. OK. You win.

But I will need a head-start
when we get up there.

- All right, five seconds.
- Ten?

Oh, God! Er...

All right, ten seconds.

- Jamie, time it.
- Great.

Jamie, Jamie, no!

Oh! Oh, shit!

Shitting hell!

Do you still need me to...

I think that ship might've sailed, mate.

And as you know, if
I get less than six hours,

God, I mean, the fluid, it just...



- Matey, for the last time...
- And I swell.

You haven't got eye bags.
They're pert little sacks.

Who wants pert little sacks
hanging off their face?

It's Joao, to be honest.

He can't get to sleep without the sound

of the Amazon rainforest at full pelt.

Aw, man, that is not ideal.

When I agreed to marry
him, I thought, "Ooh, look",

there's a lovely gay man I
met at Pride who wants a visa."

I didn't think that six months later,

I'd be kept awake by
howler monkeys in heat.

Last thing you want on your special day.

No, to be honest, I didn't feel
much like celebrating anyway.

- Happy birthday, by the way.
- Shut up in the back.

I've already bought everything

for the big birthday
dinner at mine tonight.

And it was
supposed to be a surprise,

- but now, obviously, I've...
- That's so lovely.

That's sweet of you. Who's coming?

- Oh, all the best ones.
- Mm?

- Er, we're talking you...
- Mm.

Me...

- What, that's it, just us?
- Yep.

- Just us?
- And a takeaway?

That's like every Friday night.

- That's not a surprise.
- Well, I called round,

and everyone who picked
up said they were busy.

- Even Joao.
- Jamie, I've told you, the Brazilians...

they're a quiet, reserved people.

You know, they don't...

have a big party culture out there.

You must have asked other
people. What about Patrick?

Oh! Yeah, Patrick said yes.

- Oh, great.
- Then I told him it was your birthday dinner,

and he suddenly remembered he
had to go to his mum's funeral.

She died six years ago.

And they're only burying her now?

No, Jamie, it's an excuse.

I can't believe that
no-one else is coming.

Do you think it's something to do

with what happened at
your birthday last year?

It was a mistake to go straight
from that job to the karaoke club.

In my defence, I had no idea that
place was lit with UV lighting,

and if I had... well, I would have
changed my clothes after the hit.

I mean, how did they know it was blood?

- Could've been urine.
- Or semen.

Can I just say, it
definitively was not semen.

- But I had a whole day planned.
- Well, I'm sorry.

This muppet decided to wear
a wire to Mr K's meeting,

so now we've got to deal with him.

We've already sat here
for hours waiting for Mr K to call.

You don't want to waste
your precious birthday, Fran,

waiting to... you know...

I can hear everything.

K-I-L-L him.

Yeah, and I can spell.

It's kind of a requirement
of getting a law degree.

I didn't have any choice.

It was either wear a
wire or do 25 years!

Yeah, whatever, pal. Mr K said...

we sit and we wait, and
that's what we're gonna do.

So why don't we do the birthday here?

- Because that would be super weird.
- Oh, go on.

Now the adrenaline's worn
off, I'm actually pretty bored.

- Nobody asked you.
- Let's put this to the vote.

Those in favour of celebrating
Fran's birthday within the van,

raise your hand.

Well, if I could raise my
hand, I would. I love birthdays.

- Well, you don't get a vote.
- It's two to one.

We are celebrating!

Whoo-hoo!

- Hello?
- Oh, hi! Er, Keith?

Yeah?

It's Fran.

That was my good ear. It's Fran.

- Oh, hey, Fran.
- It's my birthday today.

OK, and erm...

I was just having some
people round tonight.

Keith?

Keith?

Next customer, please.

Hello. Erm, how you doing, mate?

Can I, er, have a birthday
McFlurry for my best friend, please?

Birthday isn't a flavour.

OK, two Smarties,
please. What do you want?

- Don't ask him.
- Why not?

We don't have to feed him, just
take care of him until Mr K calls.

- After Eight, please.
- Do you do After Eight?

No, that promotion
ended months ago.

OK, they don't have After Eight.

- What?
- Yeah, it was a promotion. It's ended.

- Ask again.
- No, don't.

- Go...
- Are you sure about the After Eights?

Listen, mate, you're
not hearing me.

I can't make you an
After Eight McFlurry

if I literally don't have
the After Eight stuff.

Could you try improvising?

- I haven't got it!
- Well, all right.

Keep your hair on.

I think we've had a definitive answer

on the chocolate and the mint.

I love you dearly, it
was quite close proximity.

- Sorry.
- Did you have lasagne?

- I did, yeah.
- Wow, that's still very much in the mix.

I can't believe you actually
made him an After Eight McFlurry.

Well, we have to do something
while we wait for Mr K's call.

You have arrived
at your destination.

- Do you want some more?
- Yeah.

Can you taste After Eight?

- Who's that?
- I don't know.

- Hi.
- Hello. Erm, are you Fran?

Who's asking?

The Human Spider.

- Right.
- Are you the stripper I ordered?

Did you order a stripper?

Erm, no, the Human Spider.

The agency said you needed
me for a birthday party?

Well, there must have been a mix-up.
I thought I'd ordered a stripper.

Oh, well, they do
those as well, you know,

strippers, gorilla-grams,
magicians, freaks, whatever,

- I just go where I'm told, really.
- Great, well, I'm telling you to just piss off.

Well, hang on, he's here.

- You love animals.
- Yeah, I do, I love animals.

I love cats and dogs and donkeys.

I'm just not that into grown
men dressed as Spider-Man.

No, not Spider-Man. Every time!

The Human Spider, there's
a big difference, pal.

- Do you wanna pop round?
- Yeah, sure.

Jamie, what...?

Right.

- Get out.
- OK. OK.

Have you got someone
from the agency already?

- I'm not from the agency.
- Sorry.

Your agency has a guy
with a bag over his head?

Who orders him?

Finally! Somebody said...

I agree... He makes, like,

ten times more than me, as
well. I just can't understand it.

So who's this guy?

I'm er...

Er, I'm an old friend.

But I don't get to see these guys
very often because I'm always...

tied up in court.

In fact, I should be there now.

And when my clients
realise that I'm not coming,

they're gonna kill me.

They're gonna kill me, mate!

I didn't ask for your life story, mate.

Right, er, let's get
started. Where do you want me?

- What do you do?
- Oh! I'm a writer.

But you know, just sending stuff out,

trying to remain positive.

She meant as the man-spider.

Oh. Right, sorry.

Right, well, it in that case...

Erm...

forget everything you think
you know about the Human Spider

and set your minds to "blown".

Sorry. Hang on.

- I didn't expect to be moved but...
- Whoo! Oh!

I didn't... I didn't think I was
gonna have it in me today but...

when that bass kicks in, man!

I feel like I can do anything.

You could've sung Happy Birthday,
but that was... powerful.

Bit rude. Not to clap.

- You could at least...
- Firstly, I can't see anything,

and secondly, I can't
clap, my hands are tied!

Sorry, what is going on?

Is that all... part of
the act, do you think?

Erm, can we let him go?

That's a no, then.

Hello?

Hello? Kirsty, it's Fran.

Oh. Right.

- Hey. You came up as a private number.
- Yeah.

Erm...

listen, I wondered if you wanted
to come to my birthday tonight.

Tonight? Erm...

er, I'm not sure.

Listen, Kirsty, if it's about
last year's karaoke, then...

I'm sorry, we didn't realise
there'd be UV lighting,

- and it looked like blood, but it wasn't...
- Sorry, Fran.

Or urine. Erm...

And it definitely wasn't semen.

Can I call you back?

I'm about to go through a tunnel.

But... this is your home number.

H... hello?

Kirsty a no, then?

Oh, no, she's gonna phone me back.
I think it's likely she... Yeah.

Any news from Mr K?

No.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Look who's here.

Oh... my God!

You fancy her.

Oh, God, no, I don't.
No! God, not remotely.

Not my type. I don't go for
that obviously hot... thing.

- Fran.
- Liz.

- Jamie.
- Jamie.

Sorry, that's my name. Charles.

Nice hair.

- What have you done to it?
- I washed it. You should try it sometime.

What are you idiots doing here?

- This is our canal.
- Oh, YOUR canal? Who do think you are...

God, someone who owns a canal.

- Oh, Ratty from Wind In The Willows.
- That's a river.

- Why are you helping her?
- Sorry.

- Don't apologise. It's weak.
- Sorry... Ah, I've done it again.

Excuse me? Any chance
of loosening this bag?

Or maybe a bigger bag?

- I mean, not silly big, obviously...
- Get back in the van!

Who the fuck is that?

Nobody, Liz. Just a
target, we're all over it.

- What's with his party hat?
- It's Fran's birthday.

Oh, many happy returns.

Ooh, are you guys free tonight?
We're having a birthday dinner.

- They won't be...
- Definitely. We'd love to.

- Really?
- No.

Good. I'm glad you said that,
'cos we were joking anyway

- and...
- Oh, really?

'Cos I was just messing with you.

Of course I wanna come.

Really?

Nope. Ha!

If the offer is still on the
table, I would love to come.

- I'm on antibiotics, so I can't drink...
- Shut up, Charles!

Anyway, we gotta bounce.

Mr K's put us straight on another job.

Big money.

You wouldn't be a darling and dump this

- in the canal for us, would you?
- Of course.

Enjoy your dinner. Sounds
like it's gonna be great

You're actually missing
out, cos we're gonna have...

Not that it's just us.
There's lots of people.

We're gonna have an amazing night.

- Amazing night.
- Round at mine.

- Yep.
- Oh, sorry, Fran,

I can't hear you!

What?

You gotta talk louder!

I'm gonna have a really good birthday!

I'll put Charles down as a maybe.

OK!

Do you guys
know any party games?

Oh, film. OK...

Erm, Die Hard?

Die Hard 2?

Aladdin?

Oh, I don't know.

I've been guessing for half an hour
and I haven't got... What's this?

- If I could see...
- We're not taking that bag off.

- Why?
- Because he'll see our faces.

What if Mr K decides to let him go?

You invited me to your
party. Let me join in.

- I didn't invite you to anything.
- Hang on. I've got an idea.

Right er... OK.

Just one minute.

There. Oh, Jamie!

No, listen, I didn't take the bag off.

- I just cut some eyeholes so that he could...
- See. See us.

Well, it's done now.

Right, I can see now
why you're a bit annoyed.

Hello.

Oh, FYI, guys?

I was doing Pinocchio.

Ah, why did you tell
us? I was gonna guess.

What do you mean that's Pinocchio?
Why didn't you just do that?

- What's that?
- That's Pinocchio's nose growing. It's sort of...

That's standard how to... Pinocchio!

I think I saw a different version.

Can I do one?

Go on, knock yourself out.

- Riverdance.
- Yes!

Mm. You see? He can do it...

and he's got his hands
tied behind his back.

- That's because he's extremely good at it.
- Yeah. Thanks, Jamie.

- You're having fun, though?
- No.

I am.

Is Mr K ever going to call?

Do you wanna open your present?

Maybe later, you know, just...

Oh, go on, open it.

Look. There we are.

God. Can you believe how
long we've known each other?

I won't lie. Sometimes it
feels like a lot longer.

And who are these peo...?

- Who are these people?
- Oh, yeah,

I could only find one
photo of us that fit,

so I kept the stock one
so it wouldn't look weird.

I tell you what, that
looks like Kylie Barn.

The girl that used to
fiddle with herself in RE?

Captain Birdseye.

Yeah. Do you know she's
got a dental practice now?

She set it up with her husband.

Ooh, I wouldn't want those
fingers near my mouth,

- I tell you.
- No.

Don't know why I'm laughing at
her. At least she's got a life.

What have I got?

A sham marriage, a knackered van,

and RSI in my trigger... Look at that.

I know what you mean, Fran.

I think if I had my life again,
I'd make different decisions.

Stop using my skills

to help terrible people
get away with murder,

sometimes literally.

I've wasted so much time

mixing with the wrong
people for the wrong reasons.

I hear you.

We were friends with this boy at school,

you know, bad boy, you know the type.

He used to make us smoke with him

and play pranks on all
the teachers. Anyway,

one day, he was trapped in the
kiln and was baked to death.

They had to close down
the art department.

Really ruined it for the rest of us.

Yeah, that wasn't really what I meant.

I guess I'm just saying that...

nobody's life works out as they planned.

You know? Everyone ends up
doing stuff they're not proud of.

And in the end...

the most important thing

is that the people who know
you accept you for who you are.

God, you know what?

For a guy that spent the
day with a bag on his head,

you are absolutely right.

Hello?

Yeah.

Understood.

Please.

No. I...

You don't have to do
this. Just speak to Mr K,

just tell him that I'm sorry, OK?

- Come on, he's a reasonable guy.
- He is not a reasonable guy.

- Jamie?
- It's not her decision. Don't look at her.

Please.

- Turn around.
- Oh, my God.

This is really happening.

Oh, my God.

Only joking! I'm just joking!

He said you're free to go.

That was a really good
one. That was...

It's just a birthday prank.
It's just... Your face!

Your face was
unbelievable. It was just...

You really had me going there.

Oh, seriously, though...

what you doing tonight?

I'd like to propose a toast.

Oh.

- To birthdays...
- Yay!

And to new friends.

To new friends.

And to birthdays not spent
cry-eating cake alone...

in a karaoke booth.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh, I almost forgot. Back in a sec.

Do you want some more wine?

- Er, ooh, yes, please.
- All right, coming straight up.

Oh. You've got a text.

Is it one of my mates just
finally remembering my birthday?

Er, no, no, look, it's
from Mr K. He says...

He says, "Have you done it
yet?" Have you done what yet?

He didn't say I could go, did he?

Did you just keep me alive

so that you could have guest
at your birthday dinner?

Sorry...

you fucking bitch.

I mean it's one thing
killing somebody, but

popping her tits in a laminator.

I'm not going to get so
hungry in the next 2 hours

that I give up millions of
pounds, I'm not a cartoon bear.

Did you skip lunch? Because
you got some hungry eyes girl.

Oh fuck!

You bloody killed me!