Him & Her (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Rollover - full transcript

MUSIC: "DAKOTA"
BY STEREOPHONICS

SINGS ALONG:
♪ ... Made me feel like the one... ♪

♪ I don't know where we are going
now

♪ I don't...

♪ ... know where we are...

♪ ... going now

♪ So take a look at me now

♪ So take a look at me now

♪ So take a look at me now

♪ So take a look at me

♪ ... now



♪ So take a look at me now

♪ So take a look... ♪

MUSIC STOPS

SPINS THROUGH RADIO STATIONS

MUSIC: "DAKOTA"
BY STEREOPHONICS

♪ ... Laying back, head on the grass

♪ Chewing gum, having some laughs

♪ Yeah, having some laughs

♪ You made me feel like the one

♪ You made me feel like the one

♪ The one

♪ You made me feel like the one

♪ You made me feel like the one... ♪

Agh!



Ahh! Oh! Oh, my God.

♪ ... Drinking back
Drinking for two... ♪

Bloody hell!

♪ ... Drinking with you

♪ When drinking was new

♪ Sleeping in the back of my car

♪ We never went far

♪ Didn't need to go far

♪ You made me feel like the one... ♪

DOOR CLOSES

♪ ... Made me feel like the one

♪ The one

Oh, fuck sake!

♪ Make me feel like the one

♪ You made me feel like the one

♪ The one

♪ I don't know where we are going now

♪ I don't know where
we are going now... ♪

MUSIC OFF

DOOR OPENS
All right?

LAURA: Oh, my God, Steve.

This wheelchair man came into Boots,

and Julie's got the best wheelchair
jokes out of anyone I've ever met.

It's been a nightmare.

She's got such a dark
sense of humour,

hasn't she, Steve?

Steve! Listen.

So, a wheelchair man, a poof
and a spastic walk into a bar,

and the barman says...

And the barman says,
"I'm not serving him!"

"He's legless!"

GIGGLES

That is so wrong.

GIGGLING CONTINUES

Aw.

That does look nice up there,
doesn't it?

Yeah. We love it, don't we?
Yeah. It's great.

I've got mine above my bed,
as well. Have you, Shell?

Aw! You guys.

Yeah. And Kieran's got his one
above his bed.

So he knows I'm always watching him.
And we put the other one in the loo.

Did you?

Yeah.

So... less than a half hour to go.
The jackpot's at

15 million, Laura!
What's wrong with the living room?

Why don't we get everyone a drink,
yeah?

Yes, yes! Barney's bringing some beers
in a bit, but there's plenty of vodka.

Yeah, and we've brought some Coke.
I paid for it.

OK.

Two vodka and Cokes?

I'll have a slice of lime.
OK.

Do you want some money
for the Coke?

I'll add it to your tab.

PHONE BEEPS
That'll be from Julie.

She hasn't stopped talking about
Julie Taylor all day.

Literally, every five minutes,

she comes out with
some new bit of bollocks about her.

Hmm!
That's very funny.

How's it been otherwise?
How's the weather been?

What do you mean?

Was it nice?
It looked like it was gonna rain.

Are you taking the piss?

No.

Are you really being this boring?
No!

People who are inside like to know what
it's like for people who are outside.

Well, put your head out of the
window and see for yourself.

SPLASHING

Bloody hell.

LAUGHS

How was your day?
Played Sims. Built a mansion.

Made an old man piss himself. Yours?

She tried on every wedding dress,

and then we went to Pizza Hut
and she made us all have pasta.

I hate... everyone.

BURPS

Rogan josh?
Very good.

Here... touch that.

CRACKLING
Agh!

LAUGHS

What did you make me do that for?

LAUGHS

Do you remember when you got me
that mug of hot water

and I thought it was cold and drunk
it and it burnt my mouth?

No.

Yes, you do!

No, I don't.

Yeah, of course you do. I thought
it was cold, and it burnt my mouth.

Are you sure it was me?
Yeah.

Steve. Becky. I need a word.

There's no simple way to say this,
but... Paul's got a lump.

A lump?

A lump.

What kind of lump?

It's on his testicles.

Shit.

Bloody hell!
Why didn't you say anything?

What, like... Not a cancerous lump?
I'm afraid so.

I discovered it last night
when I was sucking him off.

We went to A & E,

and the doctor had a go on it and gave
him the all clear, but I don't know.

He could hardly speak English -
what's he gonna know about cancer?

So the doctor said he's fine?

But he was foreign, Becks.

So we're looking to Steve
for a second opinion.

What do you mean?

Use your imagination, Steve.

Hold one of yours in one hand
and one of Paul's in the other,

and check if there's a difference.

What?!

It's not funny. Paul's dying.

No, he's not.

He's got cancer.
No, he doesn't.

But he might.
Yeah, but he definitely doesn't.

I think you should check him, Steve.
It's better to be safe than sorry.

Thank you, Becky. I don't know why
you're being so obstreperous.

Look...

Of course it's very serious,

and it was very good of you and Paul
to go and see a doctor immediately.

It wasn't immediate.

We had to wait half an hour
for the bloody ambulance.

OK.

But... what do I know about cancer?

You're his best man, Steve.
If he dies, it'll be your fault.

DOORBELL RINGS

Now, be nice, Steve.
He's at the end of his tether.

What are you laughing at?
What do you think I'm laughing at?

Raaarrh!

Hey, Lukey, you little sexpot!

All right, babe?

How was the party?
Yeah, it was good...

till they kicked us out.
Good magician?

Fucking brilliant magician.
Raaarrh!

Come on, Lukey. Where's my hug?

Dad! Laura's given me a boner!

PAUL LAUGHS

Ssh!

He's joking, Becks.

He hasn't even got pubes.

Oi, Shelly! Raaarrh!

Come on, Lukey.
Let's watch the lottery.

Hello, Lukey.

DOOR CLOSES

What the fuck are you wearing?

It's Becky's turn to do the washing,
and she ain't done it.

Have you spoken to Laura?

Yeah.

OK.

OK.

Look at this, everyone.

I'm kicking the telly!
Don't do that, Luke.

Um, Becky, he's a child.
He's still learning about the world.

I'm gonna smash it to bits.

You carry on, Lukey.

Stupid piece of stupid tat!
I don't want to jinx it,

but I think I'm gonna win
the lottery tonight.

No. I am.
But I'm not gonna let it change me.

LUKEY: Look at me, Laura.
Me and Julie were saying

we're gonna give some of our
winnings to a charity.

Oh, yeah. If I could,
I'd give all my money to the pandas.

Not me.
I'd give mine to kids with AIDS.

Oh, I love kids with AIDS.
I saw a thing about them.

I mean, they've got AIDS,
so I don't wanna meet them,

but it's not their fault
their mums are slags.

Raaarrh!
Luke!

I'm... I'm on a precipice.

I know. I know.

I might die.

You're not gonna die.

There's stuff in Laura's books
about it.

The doctor said you were fine, Paul.

So I think that means
you're definitely absolutely fine

and we should go in the bedroom
and just enjoy the lottery.

What d'you think?

I think they're fabulous.
Now put them away.

I'll move this.

LAUGHS UNEASILY Honestly, the
doctor was definitely right.

Will you check 'em?

LAUGHS

Steve... please.

I'm begging you.

Check 'em.

BANGING

Luke.

Becks, can you stop bullying him?
I'm gonna kill it!

What I've done this week

is I've chosen numbers 1, 2 and 3

because they've got to come up,
haven't they?

Statistically, at some point,
they have to come up.

Then the next three are

8, because it's my birthday,

11, when I lost my virginity,

and 42, which is how old
Shelly pretends to be.

Why don't you play with this?

I'm sticking my boner in it!

Look! Look at me!
LAUGHTER

I'm putting my boner in it, look.
LAUGHTER

Oh, he's just like his dad.

Be gentle.
Sorry.

You had a good day?

Yep.

INHALES
What about that bit?

That's meant to be there.
It's a tube.

I've got one on mine.

Can I feel it?

Um...

Doesn't matter.

Oi, put your boner in it!

I don't have a boner, Luke.
I'm not like your mother.

I'm gonna stick my boner in it.
Oh, Laura, you are cruel.

Your mum's a right whore,
isn't she, Lukey?

DOORBELL RINGS

When I'm a mother,
I'm gonna let my kids do

whatever they want, because it's a
free world and everybody's equal.

But then if they're naughty,
I'll wallop them.

All right, Becky?
I've brought my cousin.

Alex. Nice to meet you.

I love the dress.
Oh. OK.

I've just been showing Alex
round the area.

Yeah. I'm looking to move.
Looking for a fresh start, new horizons.

Lovely round here, though, isn't it?
So close to London

but you don't feel like
you're right in the centre?

Best of both worlds in a way.

I really like your wallpaper.

The leaf effect is glorious.

Thank you.

DAN: Have you seen that? It's the
sign you get for the men's toilets.

Yeah, very good.

Very funny.
DAN: Where's the man himself?

He's just in the bathroom.
He'll be out in a minute.

So how many flats
are actually in this building?

Oh! Look at you!

Nice to meet you.
I'm, er, Alex, Dan's cousin.

I like your face paint.
Very fetching.

Thank you. I'm... I'm a lion.

Marvellous.

Raaarrh!

He couldn't find anything.

What's happened?
Paul's been cured of cancer.

Oh. Congratulations, Paul!

Thanks, Shelly.
Raaarrh!

That's Steve.
Hi, Steve. Alex. Dan's cousin.

Oh. All right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good, thanks.
Nothing to complain about.

There's always something
to complain about, isn't there?

Yep.
Oh, and I hear

congratulations are in order,
with you two moving in.

Wonderful news.
Good luck with the lottery!

In here, is it?
Yes.

PAUL: Yeah, I hope so.

Raaarrh!
Hello, everyone.

I'm Alex, Dan's cousin.

Hello, little fella!

Raaarrh!

He's nice.
He's really nice.

I've got that shirt.

I'm Paul.
We're engaged to be married.

I hate kids.

I just fondled a man.

I can't believe I was forced
to fondle a man.

Have you washed your hands?
Twice.

PAUL: Be nice, Lukey.
Raaarrh!

So we'll start with his penis.
It was extraordinary.

Yeah, we know that.
It gets bigger every time I see it.

It's practically a tail.

What about his bollocks?
Absolutely huge.

There's no lumps, there's no cancer,
it's completely fine.

But each one, literally,
the size of an orange.

No! Maybe there is
something wrong with 'em.

Well, not an orange. A little one.

A kumquat.

That's not big.

Satsuma, then.

Oh, wow. Bloody hell.

Yeah.

LUKE: Raaarrh!

You know I didn't do
that hot water thing, don't you?

Yes, you did!
HE TUTS

Come on, it's 15 minutes.

Then I'll spend
another two million on our wedding,

because it's really important to me
that we have the perfect day

and then I'll put the remaining
12 million pounds into gold bullion.

I'm useless at doing the lottery.
LAUGHTER

No, I really am. I'm not even joking.
It's like

the whole system's against me.
LAUGHTER

Shelly's got a lucky number,
haven't you, Shelly?

Yeah. The number one
has always been very lucky for me.

Oh, has it, indeed?
Yeah,

because I've got one child, Kieran.
I'm single, so I'm always on my own.

And I had one sister

and she's dead
and I've got one friend...

Laura.
Hmm, thanks, Shell.

So I think I might win this week.

I just... I just know.

Oh, I could do with a bit of luck
myself, if I'm honest.

I've had a bad couple of years.
I know, I know. Boo-hoo. Poor me.

But you get into a rut, don't you,
and all you have is hope, you know?

You just hope for a little bit of
luck to come your way.

Well, whatever your problems,

it's very good to see that you're
moving on with things and you're not

letting life get on top of you,
Alex. Yeah. Go, Alex.

Thanks. Thank you.

Paul's just come through
a very serious illness

so there's always light
at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah. Good on you, mate.
Thanks.

Thanks, everyone.
I really appreciate it.

Actually, Steve,
do you mind if I use your bathroom?

- No. Go ahead.
- Thanks.

What a lovely young man!
Yeah.

Where've you been hiding him, Dan?
Nowhere. No.

I haven't been hiding him.
He's been in prison.

What?

Yeah.
What for?

He's a sex offender.

What?!

Yeah, but don't mention it.
He's really embarrassed.

Wait, Dan, he's a sex offender?

Ssh! Yeah. But it's all right.
He's on the register.

Jesus!
I'm gonna call the police.

No. Don't. He's done his time.
He's not a beast.

- But he went to jail?
- Yeah.

He got out last night.
Oh, God.

Jesus!

What did he do, Dan?

Oh. No. Not in front of the kid.

TOILET FLUSHES
Is he gonna hurt Luke?

No, no, don't worry,

he's not a paedophile.
He likes women.

But seriously, don't mention sex.
He gets all... edgy.

That soap is just delicious!
It really is absolutely heavenly.

So... what would we spend
all our winnings on?

Oh, good question.

Laura, you were saying you'd give some
to children with AIDS, weren't you?

Yes.

I'd throw a party. A massive one.
LAUGHS

I'd get magicians, jugglers,
waitresses.

Just have one really big wild night and,
you know, really let my hair down.

LAUGHS

Hmm.

Shall we... Shall we watch the
lottery?

Yes.

Great news about your recovery, Paul.

At least we've had some good news,
a rare treat nowadays!

What was the problem,
if you don't mind me asking?

Oh. Noth... Nothing.

You know, just man's problems.
Aw, rubbish!

You poor thing!
D'you want me to take a look?

No, I'm... I'm fine.

I used to be a paramedic.
No, I'm...

I'm fine. Thank you. I'm...

I'm, like, cured.

OK. Cool. No probs, no probs.

Oh, I just love the lottery show,
don't you?

- Absolutely!
- And the quiz before it.

- It's brilliant.
- Yes.

On a bit of a roll then.

I thought, "Well, I'm not"

"gonna do it tonight cos Stephanie's
done really well and she deserves

"to get through,"
and I'll tell you what, Jamie,

it doesn't matter that
Stephanie's not got through tonight

because her place has got to be
there

sooner or later.
APPLAUSE ON TV

'But right now
you have one final challenge.

'OK? You must play Do Or Die
with one of your opponents.'

I've always wondered
why they don't get Wogan on this.

It would be the perfect vehicle
for him.

'..Leave the competition immediately,
for good, you can't come back,

'you can't win the money.'
More drinks?

Yeah.
Yes, please.

'..Who you choose to play. OK,

'will the nine remaining players... '
Oh, let me give you a hand, Becks.

No, I'm all right.

Come on. Don't be a martyr.

So, what are we making?

Um, just something cold.
I can do that if you want.

No, I... I'm fine.

Don't worry, I was thinking
of getting a job in a bar.

'Have you been
doing much revision at home?

'No, not really.'

Who do you think you are, bringing
a sex criminal into the house?

DOORBELL RINGS

ALEX: Just at that moment,
super-strength cocktails...

back in the day.
I can make you one now if you like.

I'm fine, thanks.
No problem.

All right, Steve?

All right, mate? Come in.

Sorry I'm late. Me dad keeps them in
his bedroom and your mum was round.

All right. How much do I owe you?

Er...

call it a fiver?
Excuse me, Becks.

I'm Alex, by the way. Dan's cousin.
The infamous Dan!

He's a funny one, though, isn't he?
The eternal black sheep.

Have you met Anita, his girlfriend?

Bit of a battle-axe!

LAUGHS

Cheers, mate.
You staying for the lottery?

Er...

yeah, well, I can't go
back to my dad's, can I?

Your mum makes a right racket.

All right. Thanks for that.

Oh. Let me, let me.

Here we are, the party begins.

What a lovely bloke.
LUKE: Raaarrh!

'Former Chelsea chairman
Ken Bates... ' Here you go.

'..Which Yorkshire football club... '
Anyone want a beer?

Yeah, actually...

Yeah, thanks.

'Paul O'Grady.
Correct.'

How's everything
with your lovely girlfriend, Barney?

Oh. Magic. A girlfriend.
You lucky thing.

We're gonna have to get rid of him.

I can't just kick him out. It's rude.

He's a sex offender.
You're allowed to be rude to him.

We've got a sex offender
in our flat!

LAUGHS

Come on.

Let's make sure
he isn't sexually abusing Laura.

BLOWS RASPBERRIES

and then Julie Taylor
comes back in

and she gives you a mug of water
and you take a mouthful of it,

because you think it's cold,

but she...
she's put boiling hot water in it...

so it burns your mouth!

Who does that?
Julie Taylor.

She's twisted.

Oi, you.

Stick your boner in it.

No, I'm all right, thanks, mate.

Dad, stick your boner in it.

No, Daddy's not in the mood, Lukey.
Come on, Lukey.

Daddy's boner's not very well.
Oi, lady,

stick your boner in it.
Maybe later, yeah?

Oi, mate,

stick your boner in it!

No. I'm all right, thanks.

Stick your boner in it!

Oh, I'm not sure that...

Luke...

Alex doesn't wanna play.

Stick... your... boner in it!

Come on, mate. He's just a kid.

Stick your boner in
it and he'll shut up!

Oh, look at me.

Ohh, I've got me boner in a parrot.

Oh!
BARNEY LAUGHS

I'm gonna stick my boner in it.

TV: Before we go any further,
let's go live, then, to Lottery HQ

to see what's coming up
this evening.

Draw's starting.
Oh, good luck, everyone.

- I'm so sorry.
- I'm gonna kill it!

I muddled it up.
I thought it was you.

- LUKE: Silly little boner!
- I'm a knobhead.

I know you are.

LUKE: Look at it,
stuffed full of crap!

- All right, Luke?
- Yeah.

TV: Release the balls!

Stupid thing.

TV: Here we go...

Would it help if I did the silly
dance?

First ball is...30.

Oh, I got that one!
I've got that one, Laura!

Quiet, Shelly. I'm trying to focus.

'..Your lucky night tonight... '

And the second ball is ...

18.

Yes! Look. I knew it!
I fuckin' knew it!

'..One of the more popular
numbers... '

Have you forgiven me yet?

Um...

No.

OK, OK, I've forgiven you.

PAUL: What's wrong
with these people?!

Good.

You're a kabillion times better
than Julie.

How many?

A kabillion.
Oh.

'14. Our fourth ball tonight.

'14.'

INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV

And here we go.
Our fifth ball tonight,

number 22!

SHELLY: Oh, that's sad.

It's a fucking fix!

'That's going to make someone
extremely wealthy indeed.'

39.

'That's 39.'

You all right, Shell?

Yeah.
You just have to keep playing

and eventually you'll win.

'Now for the all-important
bonus ball. It's...

'number 11!'

PAUL: Fuck the bonus ball!

I hate the bonus ball.

I've won a tenner.

'..14, 18... '

I got three numbers.
Guys, I've won a bloody tenner!

Hey!

I can't believe it!

Look, Steve. I've...

I've won a tenner!

LAUGHS

Sorry, guys. Um...

I just, er...

It's hard to explain just how...

how much it means to me, er...

Finally a little bit of luck at last.

And you guys have been so welcoming.

Um...

It's been amazing! I ju...

Oh, God!
LAUGHS

STEVE: Um...

Alex, sorry, mate. I just, er...

I was just looking at your numbers
here.

11 is the bonus ball.

It... it doesn't count.

♪ Come closer, come closer

♪ And listen

♪ The beat of my heart keeps on
missin'

♪ I notice it most when we're kissin'

♪ Come closer and love me tonight

♪ That's right

♪ Come closer
and cuddle me tight... ♪

Fuck!

♪ My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang
Boom-bang-a-bang

♪ When you are near

♪ Boom-bang-a-bang-bang all the time

♪ It's such a lovely feeling

♪ When I'm in your arms

♪ Don't go away
I wanna stay my whole life through

♪ Boom-bang-a-bang-bang
Close to you. ♪