Him & Her (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Get-together - full transcript

Thank you, Laura. Thanks,
Paul. Yeah, that is lovely.

Yeah.
Really nice. Yeah.

Thanks.

It's just a little something
to welcome Becky to her new home.

Yeah. No, that's lovely.

Steve?

Yeah?

It's really nice.

The chair's real leather.

So where d'you want it?

They'll have it up there, Dad.
For maximum impact.



Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Let's... let's put it up
above the bed.

Perfect.
Perfect?

Shall we check on dinner?

OK.

Right.

My God, I don't believe it.
Bloody hell.

It's the ugliest thing
I've ever seen.

That was the last one!

Was it?

Right. You've got 20 seconds
to go to your stash of Mars bars,

wherever it is,
and get me one. 20...

I'm not going to do that.
..19, 18, 17,

16, 15, 14, 13,



12, 11.
D'you wish you'd started at 10?

10, 9, 8, 7,

6, 5, 4, 3,

2, 1. Becky!

Shut up and eat your banana.

82p. 82p! Seriously, though.

82p for a banana.
D'you know what?

I think you've mentioned it.
I'm going to tell your dad.

Don't tell my dad about it. I've got
nothing else to say to him.

Did you top up the electricity?

Yeah, of course.

Great.

I think this is going to be nice
tonight.

Your dad's in a good mood.
I think we're going to get on today.

Don't do that
while you're talking about my dad.

Look at us, king and queen

of everything we survey.

You look so handsome, Paul.

- You are. Very photogenic, Paul.
- Thank you, Jill.

What d'you think?

That's nice.

That looks lovely up there.

Hello.

Hello, love.
Come in! Come in!

Is that it?

Yeah.

It's not even big. Come on in, babe.

You all right, Mike?
Glad you could make it.

Bollocks.

I've left the beers in the car.

That's going to stink.

So you don't feel it's a little bit
like it's taking over the room a bit?

Yes. That's kind of the point.
Honestly, Mum.

It's the new millennium.

Take your head out your crack
and look around you.

Laura!

Peanut?

No, I'm all right, thanks.

Where's she got to?

So what d'you think about me
doing your mum?

Pardon?

What d'you think about me
doing your mum?

Don't say that, Mike.
Be nice. Say you're seeing her.

Well, I'm not, I'm doing her.
What d'you think about it?

I think it's absolutely fantastic.

Good. Cos your mum's
a good-looking woman.

Someone's got to fuck her.

It really is a lovely photograph.

The picture looks amazing!

Thank you, Steve.
It's of me and Paul.

Yeah. My mum's here.

She brought us these.

Lovely.

She's just popped back to the car,
so she won't be a minute.

Excellent!

It'll be marvellous for us all to get
together at last, won't it, Jill?

Yes.

OK.

So, what's on the menu this
evening? Well, Nigel,

it's a simple but delicious dish I used
to make for myself before I met Becky.

That's promising.

Dad!

I'm sure you'll like it
once you've tried it.

I bet you say that to all the boys,
don't you?

Yeah.

Sorry, everyone.

Hey, Shell. What?

Shelly, I thought you said
you didn't like that.

No, I'm the same.

You can get bored of your vagina,
can't you?

So how long was it in there for?

God, Shelly!

My eye hurts.
D'you ever get that?

All right? Here they are.
Come in, come in.

Everyone, this is, Mike.

He's my mum's... partner?

Partner, Mike.
Nice to meet you.

And this is my mum, Janet.

Mum, this big sexy hunk
of an oaf is Nigel, Becky's dad.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

And, and this...
this hot little thing...

no, it's not Becky's sister,

she's called Jill

and she's Becky's
very own yummy mummy.

This is my mum.

Nice to meet you at last.
Nice to meet you, yes.

And I'm Paul.

It's an honour to meet you,
Mrs Marshall.

Yes. Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

And, I'm going to be his best
man when he marries Becky's sister.

Janet. Jill and Nigel have raised

such a wonderful daughter

and I just feel so lucky
to be marrying her.

OK.

What a lot of names.

Shelly, fuck's sake, I'm trying
to tell you how amazing Paul is!

Thank you. Now, what Paul does is,
if he doesn't come home one night,

the next morning,
or whenever he turns up,

he brings me a rose.

Yeah, a single red rose.

And he...

My God, Shelly, will you please
just shut the fuck up?

Look what Paul and Laura got us.

Yeah. Very nice.

Nigel put it up.

Thank you, Nigel.

We don't have a date for the wedding
yet but hopefully next year, Paul?

If not sooner.

Isn't it lovely?

Lovely.

Seriously, I don't test
anything on animals.

I don't know, it's just
one of my principles, I suppose.

Just like I'd never kill anyone.

D'you think you'd ever kill anyone,
Shell?

OK. But what if there was
an intruder

and he got Kieran
and started stabbing him?

OK. What if he was bumming him?

I got you this, Becky.
It's a housewarming present.

Thanks, Janet.

It's just something silly.

That's very nice of you, Janet.

Yeah, thanks, Mum.

It's a football.

No, no. It's a pizza.

Look, look, it's the same
as Steve's!

Becky was just saying the other day,
wasn't she,

how much she wanted one of those.

Was she?
Dad.

Go on, then, put it on.

Yeah, put it on, Becky.

You'll look lovely in that.

Hey!

Well, you know the problem
with you, Shell.

You use too much carbon.

You do.

You know you do.

You've got a massive carbon
footprint, Shell.

Yes, you have.

You have, Shell. It's no wonder
we haven't got an ozone layer

with you traipsing about.

Well... well, the truth is, Shell,

you go through carbon
like it's going out of fashion.

You're a maniac.

It's embarrassing.

Everyone's noticed it.
They talk about it behind your back.

And is Steve your only child,
Janet? Yeah.

She did so well with me,
she didn't need another.

I think it was probably
the other way round, Steve.

She thought, "Bloody hell. What's that?
Don't want another one of them."

Nigel's got a very dry
sense of humour.

I don't know what she's talking
about.

He was a nightmare as a kid,
wasn't he, Janet?

No! I was. I was hell as a baby.
Poor Mum,

I never slept, I cried every night.

No change there, then.

Nigel.

And it was a difficult birth.
I came out legs first.

Did he?
Yeah. Didn't I?

You poor thing.
It was awful, Jill.

He ripped me to shreds.

They had to patch me up
with bits of me thigh.

You can still see the damage
he did to it.

It's never been the same since.

I need to check on dinner. Yes.

Shall we sit down?

Yeah.

Anyone want a Guinness?
I bought 12.

All right, Shelly.

My God!

She is absolutely amazing.

I made Shelly cry.

Oops.

"Patch me up"?
So are you going to...?

Leave it on.
Really?

Just till she's gone.

Shut up.

So are you going to cut your
spaghetti up?

What does that mean?

I'm just worried about you eating
spaghetti in front of my dad.

You get it all over your chin and
your cheeks. You look brain-damaged.

Shut up! Fuck off.

What about you when you eat a
chicken... you're like a wolf.

There's no other way to eat a chicken.
You don't have to eat the bones.

I'm going to check your cock-sucking
mum isn't talking to my dad

about her messy gash.

Sorry.

So, how long have you two
been together?

That's actually a bit of
a funny story, actually.

It's quite a new thing, isn't it?
Yes.

Yeah.
Lovely.

How nice.

We've been married 25 years
this year, haven't we?

You get less for murder.

Imagine that, Paul. Imagine
being married to me for 25 years.

He'll end up killing me.

No, I won't.

And how did you meet?

Well, they've known each other
for a long time, haven't you?

Cos Steve's very old school friends
with Mike's son, Barney.

Barney's got a degree in Economics.
It's an A-level.

So you came together
through friendship?

Yes.
Exactly.

Well. Sort of.
Mike.

I've always fancied her.

Then Friday night
I'm in Chicken Cottage,

completely out of the blue,
she walks in.

We got chatting,
did a bit of kissing,

then we went back to mine
and did it...

none of this fussing about
with flowers and shit.

It was more romantic than it sounds.

Nigel...did you hear about
my banana?

No, I think I missed
that news bulletin, Steve.

That's very good, very good.

So what it was, was...

He bought this
very average banana.

Yeah. Me and Becky went over
to Azeem's to do the Lottery

and out of the blue,
I fancied a banana.

Just a normal banana.
Yeah.

Thanks. So I went and chose one,
took it to the till.

Should've got it at the
supermarket! OK, thanks, Mike.

Where was I?

You chose a banana.

Yeah, yeah.
OK, so I chose a banana.

They weighed it.
They weighed it

and I got them to re-weigh it,
and, um...

They still charged me,
get this, 82p.

For a banana!
For a banana. I'll show you.

This is what it's like
living with him.

He hasn't shut up about
his bloody banana.

I've seen it, seriously,
it's not even big.

Those corner shops are always
expensive, aren't they, Mum?

Laura...

I can't find it. But, seriously,
it's just the size

of a basic banana.
82p!

Cor, 82p!

Those corner shops
are always expensive, Steve.

That's why me and Mum
are going to join the BNP.

Are you?

It's not...

They just put a leaflet

through the door.
They've got policies about it.

They're proper politicians.
They've got a leader and everything.

Laura!
Winston Churchill was a member.

OK, Laura.

They just say what we all think.

I'm not thinking that.

No. Good.

I don't think
any of us are thinking that.

I don't think Laura's actually
saying she'd actually join the BNP.

Yes, I am, Steve.
82p's a lot of money for a banana.

Nigel, hungry?

Yes, Steve. Very.

Excellent. Pink wafer? Another beer?

No, thanks, I'm fine. I'm driving.
Goody-two-shoes, isn't he, Jill?

Have another beer, you silly old
sod.

I'm driving my family home, Steve.
I'm not going to do that drunk.

OK.

I'm not joining the BNP. I really was
just passing my eyes over their leaflet.

OK, Jill.

What you want to do is go down
an Asda's or a Tesco's,

buy, like, ten bananas there,
they'll be 20p each or some shit.

Then you get yourself down
a greengrocer's,

tell 'em you bought these ten bananas
off 'em

and there's something wrong
with 'em.

I put holes in mine with me penknife.

Use your imagination,
make something up.

So, you demand your money back,
threaten them a bit,

push over some of their stock,
eventually they'll give you a refund,

which by their prices is normally
more like... 30p for each banana.

I don't know about this 82p bollocks.
So they give you a refund,

you walk out, you basically
done nothing for an hour

and you've made yourself a quid.
Pure profit. That's what you want to do.

Thanks, Mike. I'll remember that
next time I need a pound.

Yes, interesting idea, Mike.

Thank you.
We'll look into that, won't we?

It works for apples too.
Does it?

D'you think this might be
the worst idea you've ever had?

Yes. Go in there
and make conversation.

Yeah. Like I know how to do that

Not long till dinner.

Hello, Dan.
What d'you think?

It's nice.

Did you want something?
I'm cooking.

Are you?

Dan.

I'm going for a Big Mac with Anita.
Thought I'd make the effort.

I thought she...

It... You know,

I thought you'd split up?
Why?

She had sex with her uncle?

Yeah... bloody women.

It's a nice photo, isn't it?

Yes, very nice.

Anything else?
Nope.

Better be off.
I'm already an hour late.

Bye, Steve.

Bye.

I forgot to give you this.

What's this?

Dan!

Dinner's nearly ready.
Great.

I hope you're all hungry...

What sort of food
do you like, Janet?

All sorts.

Yeah. Everything, really.

We like a nice Chinese, don't we?
Yeah. Flied lice.

Yes. Chinese is very nice.

Paul. Love you long time.

Paul, Paul. Love you long time.

How long, Steve?

Just adding the secret ingredient!
OK.

Or there's the other one,
isn't there, the Indian one?

"My name is Rupinda."

Paul, Paul, look at me.
Would you like some naan bread?

Or vegetables.

OK, Laura, that's enough, yeah?

Well, if you're going to live here,
lose the accent. Isn't it, Mum?

OK, Laura.
Do you really think that?

No, she doesn't, do you?

Lighten up, everyone. I'm just
being funny, aren't I, Paul?

Yeah. It's hilarious.

Do you have any idea
what he actually thinks of you?

Becky, get the food.

Steve!
Just adding the magic twist.

Laura and Paul
are very happy together.

They have their ups and downs,
but they're very much in love.

Thank you.

So who was that I saw him with
on Sunday, then?

OK, Mike, let's leave that there.

Dinner is served.

Good!
He's just being silly.

I hope you're all hungry.

Yeah.

It looks lovely, Steve.
Don't it, Mike?

It's food.

What is it?
Well...

it's spaghetti nuggets.
I invented it myself.

It's, spaghetti, mushrooms,
chicken nuggets and a dollop of Rag...

And there's more of everything
if you want it.

Help yourself to ketchup. Becks.

What is it?

My God!

You had your piano lesson on Sunday,
didn't you?

Yeah, of course I did.

Of course he did.

Here we are.

Nigel, get that down ya.

Laura, bon appetit. And last,
but by no means least, Paul.

OK, now,

Thanks. OK, well, before we all get
stuck in, I know we're all hungry.

It looks amazing, Steve.

OK, but I'd just like to
propose a toast.

Really?
Yes.

OK.
OK, well, this is a toast,

to everyone, really.

So, to Nigel and Jill for
letting me have Becky here with me.

Well... there's always a bed
at ours if she needs it.

OK.

And, for all the help
you've given us with the move.

I don't know what we'd have done
without ya.

Nothing, you'd have done nothing
cos you were bloody useless.

I'm sure he wasn't that bad.

He really didn't have a clue.

They still haven't unpacked!

Yeah, OK,

and also to my lovely mum,

and... and Mike,

mustn't forget Mike,

for everything you've done for me
throughout my life.

No worries, mate. It's a pleasure.

And to Laura and Paul,
who were great.

Good. And finally, of course, thank
you to Becky for moving in with me,

um, though don't ask me why she has.

She has been great, though. I think
she even did the washing-up... once!

Um... but she did top up
the, the, little,

electricity stick thing
all on her own today.

Well done, Becky.

So...

To everyone.

To everyone.
To everyone.

To everyone.

OK. Dig in.

Don't you dare come out
and speak to me. You lied to me

about piano lessons.
Laura...

Everything all right, Nigel?
Not eating your dinner?

It's not really dinner, is it?

Dad!

It's spaghetti nuggets.

I think it's lovely.
It's very original.

It's a bit pathetic, isn't it?

Nigel! Dad!

Got anything better I can have,
Steve?

A plate of worms, maybe. Some scabs.

Eat your dinner, you fucking
twat.

Mike!