Hill Street Blues (1981–1987): Season 2, Episode 9 - Pestolozzi's Revenge - full transcript

INTRODUCING THE NEW AND
IMPROVED A-16 ARREST FORM.

YOU'VE ALL BEEN HANDED A COPY.

RIGHT HERE, SARGE. UH...

THE IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE
IN THIS NEW FORM...

INVOLVES THE
UTILIZATION OF SIX...

I REPEAT, SIX...

CARBONS IN TANDEM.

BECAUSE OF THIS, YOU
ARE INVITED TO APPLY...

COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF "LIGATOID"
AND MUSCULAR PRESSURE...

WHEN USING PEN OR PENCIL, SO AS
TO CAUSE EACH UNDERLYING SHEET...

TO RENDER ITSELF LEGIBLE.



GOT ENOUGH LEAD IN YOUR
PENCIL, J.D.? JUST HAD IT SHARPENED.

ITEM 12 IS A MEMO FROM
GANG INTERVENTION...

CONCERNING THE UPCOMING
EXPIRATION OF A NUMBER OF TREATIES,

SPECIFICALLY THOSE
BETWEEN THE BLOOD, MAU-MAUS,

SHAMROCKS, DIABLOS.

THE THRUST OF SAID MEMO, PENDING

NEGOTIATIONS, LET'S NOT
UPSET ANY APPLE CARTS.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT
HAPPENED. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

BE SENSITIVE TO YOUR
VARIOUS BEHAVIOR CHANGES...

WHICH MAY OCCUR, AND
EXPECT A 30% INCREASE...

YOUTH VIOLENCE-WISE.

LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND. I
TOLD YOU... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

COFFEY, BATES, A
LITTLE DECORUM, PLEASE.

THE SUBJECT OF
WHICH BRINGS ME...



TO LAST NIGHT'S
NUPTIAL CELEBRATION...

OF MR. AND MRS. RUDY
PESTOLOZZI, ALL RIGHT!

ATTENDED BY THE OFFICERS OF
THIS PRECINCT AT THE KUBIAK LODGE.

IN GENERAL, I WOULD BE
REMISS IF I FAILED TO NOTE...

WITH SOME DISMAY THE
ALCOHOLIC CONSUMPTION...

PER CAPITA OF THIS PRECINCT,

AND IN SPECIFIC,

THE BEHAVIOR OF A CERTAIN
OFFICER OF THE FEMALE PERSUASION,

WHO, NO DOUBT UNDER THE INFLUENCE
OF CERTAIN CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES,

PERFORMED A REMARKABLY LEWD
AND SUGGESTIVE STRIPTEASE DANCE,

MUCH TO THE EMBARRASSMENT
OF THE BRIDE'S... IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

MOTHER AND FATHER.

WE LOVED IT THOUGH, SARGE.

BE APPRISED, ON DUTY OR OFF,
PROFESSIONAL STANDARDS...

OF CONDUCT MUST APPLY.

BON.

BOO.

AS A PERSONAL ASIDE, HOWEVER,

MAY I EXPRESS A CERTAIN
GRUDGING ADMIRATION...

FOR SAID FEMALE'S...

OUTSTANDING SUPPLENESS...

OF LIMB, YEAH.

AS WELL AS HER YOUTHFULLY
FIRM OTHER ATTRIBUTES.

WHAT DID HE SAY? SAY WHAT?

I SAID, "LET'S ROLL,

AND LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE."

WILL YOU LOOK AT MY EYE? NO.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? I
DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR EYE.

HEY, JUST... HEY, COME
BACK HERE FOR ONE SECOND.

FORGET IT.

WOULD YOU AT LEAST
LET ME EXPLAIN, LUCY?

SUNRISE BREAKFAST AT THE
BREAKERS, HUH, BIG SHOT?

CHAMPAGNE AT DAWN? I
WAITED FOR YOU UNTIL 6:30,

AND I FELT LIKE A JERK.
I WOULD HAVE MET YOU,

BUT I STOPPED HOME TO
CLEAN UP AFTER THE WEDDING,

AND I FELL COMING
OUT OF THE SHOWER.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK... I
DID THIS TO MYSELF ON PURPOSE?

YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED ANYWAY.

LUCY, I WAS OUT
COLD ON THE FLOOR.

DID YOU TO SEE A DOCTOR? YEAH.
THAT'S WHY I WAS LATE TO ROLL CALL.

OH, JOE.

YOU COULD HAVE REALLY HURT
YOURSELF. I'M ALL RIGHT THOUGH.

YOU THINK YOU GOT PROBLEMS?
WE'VE REALLY GOT PROBLEMS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE'VE GOT
PROBLEMS? WE, W-E, AS IN "WE, US."

YOU GOTTA TAKE SOME
RESPONSIBILITY. I WASN'T EVEN THERE!

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY?

JUST STEP INTO MY
OFFICE FOR A MINUTE HERE.

OH, NO. I'M NOT GOIN' IN
THERE. I'M NOT. NO! UH-UH.

DISPATCH. WE HAVE A 9-11.

ARMED ROBBERY IN PROGRESS.

SEE SURPLUS STORE, CORNER
PEOPLE'S DRIVE, 124th STREET.

LET'S GO, SAMSON.

LATER, MAN.

I LOST MY GUN... MY
DEPARTMENTAL PIECE.

HE DIDN'T LOSE IT.
SOMEONE STOLE IT.

LAST NIGHT, AFTER "PESTOLO..."
WHATEVER HIS NAME IS'S WEDDING...

WE WERE PLAYING CARDS IN
THE BACK OF KUBIAK'S LODGE...

TWO GUYS DROPPED IN IN SKI
MASKS, 12-GAUGE SHOTGUNS...

AND BOOSTED ALL
THE MONEY AND HIS...

GUN.

SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
YOU REPORT IT, AND THAT'S IT.

NO, NO. LUCE, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

KUBIAK WOULD LOSE
THEIR LIQUOR LICENSE,

MITCH FLYNN'S WIFE WOULD KILL
HIM IF SHE FOUND OUT HE WAS THERE...

WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THERE?
HOLD IT FOR ONE THERE, PLEASE.

NOT TO MENTION WHAT IT'D DO TO MY
CHANCES OF BEING IN PLAIN CLOTHES.

COME ON, I GOTTA GO.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO
DO? COME ON, GET OUT OF THERE.

I WANT MY MONEY!

I WANT SOME SATISFACTION.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY.

I WANT SOME CHOCOLATE.
YOU'LL GET CHOCOLATE.

MY MACHINE!

WHAT DID THEY DO
TO YOU? OH, MY GOD.

I'LL TAKE YOU OUT
OF HERE. LOU. LOU.

NO. DON'T TOUCH ME. GET AWAY.
I'M TAKING MY MACHINE OUT OF HERE.

I'M NOT LETTING YOU
MANIACS TORTURE IT ANYMORE.

LOU, CALM DOWN. YOU
DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOLLY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL
CARRY IT OUT ON MY BACK.

OH, LOU, PEOPLE ARE NATURALLY
PRONE TOWARD SNAP DECISIONS...

AFTER WITNESSING A VIOLENT ACT.

HEY, HEY. GIVE
YOURSELF SOME TIME.

YOU'VE BEATEN MY MACHINES.

YOU... YOU CALL IT NAMES I DON'T
EVEN HEAR OUT ON THE STREET.

YOU'VE EVEN SHOT IT.

THAT'S IT. IT'S OVER.

DONE. FINISHED!

YOU WANT SWEET ROLLS?

YOU'LL WALK SIX
BLOCKS IN THE SNOW.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT. NO.

YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD.

THESE MACHINES...
THEY'RE LIKE MY CHILDREN.

POLICE STATIONS... THEY SAID,
"PUT 'EM IN POLICE STATIONS.

THINK OF THE
TRAFFIC." SIT DOWN, LOU.

WE HAD A SLIGHT
DRAMA IN THE CORRIDOR.

I'LL TRY FOR A HAPPY ENDING.

LOU.

THAT MACHINE... IT'S A SURVIVOR.

AFTER ALL THE ABUSE
AND PUNISHMENT,

STILL IT STANDS,
BLOODY BUT UNBOWED.

IT'S A SYMBOL, LOU.

YOU TAKE IT AWAY,
ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN.

THE LINE COULD FALTER, BREAK.

THE HORDES COME CRASHING IN.

YOU DON'T SUPPLY...

TASTY DIVERSIONS.

YOU GIVE US THE REASON TO GO ON.

RENKO, IF THIS IS
GONNA BE SO EASY,

WHAT DO YOU NEED
THE THREE OF US FOR?

LIKE I SAID, IT'S EASY,

BUT IT REQUIRES PEOPLE
WHO CAN WORK IN DEPTH.

OH, MAN, I'M GONNA GET SICK.

GOT A BALLOON.

OH, GOD!

THAT'S IT, RENKO.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

AW, COME ON, JOE. MY WHOLE
CAREER IS ON THE LINE HERE.

JUST GIVE ME TWO MORE MINUTES,
HUH? YOU SAID THAT 20 MINUTES AGO.

AW, THIS IS STUPID, RENKO.

I MEAN, THEY WOULDN'T
DUMP A $310 SMITH & WESSON.

IF THEY SPIED THE PRECINCT I.D.
NUMBER ON THE BUTT, THEY WOULD.

I MEAN, WHO WOULD
WANT TO GET CAUGHT...

WITH A DEPARTMENTAL PIECE?

IN WHICH CASE, WHAT BETTER
PLACE TO PUT THE EVIDENCE...

THAN BACK HERE, BEHIND
THE SCENE OF THE CRIME?

SOUND REASONING, RENKO.

JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU
HAVE ANY LUCK FINDING IT.

HEY.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

WELL, UH... UH, SIR,

I'M SORRY TO BE INVADING
YOUR PREMISES LIKE THIS,

BUT WE'RE INVOLVED IN WHAT YOU
MIGHT CALL A SPECIAL-TYPE INVESTIGATION...

THE DETAILS OF WHICH, ON ACCOUNT
OF SECURITY CONSIDERATIONS...

YOU SEE, SIR, THERE WAS A HOT
PURSUIT OF SEVERAL BANK ROBBERS...

DOWN THROUGH THIS ALLEY
HERE YESTERDAY, AND, UH,

WELL, WE HAVE VERY
GOOD REASON TO BELIEVE...

THAT THEY MAY HAVE DITCHED SOME OF
THE MONEY IN ONE OF THESE CONTAINERS.

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME. NO!

YOU... YOU MEAN RIGHT
DOWN HERE? YEAH.

IN MY ALLEY? YEAH.

WELL, UH, HOW MUCH DID THEY GET?

HOW MUCH DID THEY GET?

UH, WELL, THE BANK HASN'T
CALCULATED HOW MUCH YET,

EXCEPT, UH, IT'S
WELL IN EXCESS OF...

UH, $60,000. $60,000.

MEN, WE BETTER GET BACK TO
HEADQUARTERS AND CHECK ON ANY NEW LEADS.

WE'LL FINISH THIS
UP LATER. YEAH.

NO, NO. OKAY.

YEAH, FELLAS, WE'LL...
WE'LL SEE YA. HUH?

NOW, COME AROUND ANY TIME.

YEAH. ANY... ANYTHING WE CAN...

CAN...

PRUNES, PRUNE
JUICE, MINERAL OIL.

YOU EVER HAVE
HEMORRHOIDS, FRANK?

CAN'T SAY AS I HAVE, CHIEF.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE
BLESSED ONES, BELIEVE ME.

IT'S THE CLOSEST THING IN THE WORLD
TO HAVING A TENNIS BALL UP THERE.

CHEERS.

OOH!

WEAK RECTAL TISSUE...
IT'S HEREDITARY, FRANK.

THANK YOU.

YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT THE
SULLIVAN COMMISSION? DAMN IT, FRANK.

I'M RUNNING THE CLEANEST
DEPARTMENT IN 40 YEARS,

AND NO LITTLE SHRIMP
OF A MICHAEL SULLIVAN...

WHO I HAPPEN TO REMEMBER WHEN
HE WAS A SHRIMP OF AN ASSISTANT D.A...

IS GONNA MAKE LIEUTENANT
GOVERNOR BY CRUCIFYING ME.

THE HILL'S CLEAN, CHIEF, IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU CALLED ME UP HERE TO TALK ABOUT.

I KNOW THE HILL'S CLEAN. SO'S
THE HEIGHTS. SO'S MIDTOWN.

WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT, FRANKLY,
IS GEORGIE HALUSKA IN SOUTH FERRY.

NICEST GUY IN THE WORLD,
GEORGIE, BUT LET'S FACE IT...

THERE'S AN "UNFLUSHED"
TOILET DOWN THERE SOMEWHERE.

SO YOU'RE GONNA FEED GEORGE
HALUSKA TO THE SULLIVAN COMMISSION?

THIS MAY SOUND PARANOID, FRANK,

BUT IN THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT, THERE
ARE ONLY FOUR MEN THAT I TRUST IMPLICITLY,

AND THREE OF THEM ARE
SITTING RIGHT HERE AT THIS TABLE.

SO WORD SIMPLY CAN'T LEAK OUT.

I'M PUTTING YOU IN CHARGE
OF THE ENTIRE OPERATION.

WHAT OPERATION?

WE'RE GONNA SET UP A SCAM
SALOON OVER IN THE FERRY, FRANK.

PUT OUT THE BAIT
FOR SOME PAYOFFS.

YOU'LL RUN IT... IN YOUR
WAY, WITH YOUR MEN.

CHIEF, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
MEN TO COVER THE HILL.

WE HAVE A MAJOR
CRIME-RATE INCREASE OF 16%,

AND I'M SO SHORT OF
PERSONNEL OF ANY DESCRIPTION...

THAT I HAD TO TAKE THREE
UNIFORMS OFF THE STREET LAST WEEK...

JUST TO TAKE CARE OF
THE PAPERWORK UP THERE.

FRANK, I'M NOT JUST BLOWING RANK
AIR HERE. I NEED YOU ON THIS ONE.

JERRY, MAKE A NOTE OF IT...

WE'LL TRANSFER TWO
CLERKS UP TO THE HILL...

OUT OF DIVISION AS
OF MONDAY. RIGHT.

I KNOW THIS ISN'T
GONNA WIN YOU...

ANY GOOD SAMARITAN PLAQUES
FROM THE POLICE GUILD, FRANK,

BUT THERE ARE TOO
MANY GUYS AROUND...

THAT WOULD LIKE NOTHING
BETTER THAN TO SEE...

FLETCH DANIELS'S BUTT
DEEP FRIED IN BROWN SAUCE.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THEM.

ONE ASSURANCE.

NO POLITICS.

NO POLITICS, FRANK.

WE'RE JUST GONNA DO OUR
OWN LATE-INNING RELIEF.

THEY'RE PLAYING HARDBALL.

WE'RE GONNA SHOW 'EM
WE CAN PLAY HARDBALL TOO.

UH, I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT
THAT JOKE I HEARD ON MY WAY OVER.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE
THIS ONE, FRANK.

IT SEEMS THERE WERE THESE
TWO OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS...

HARRY AND LOU... AND THEY'RE
TALKING ABOUT LIFE AFTER DEATH.

IF THERE'S A HEAVEN, AND IF SO,
DO THEY PLAY BASEBALL UP THERE.

WELL, THEY MAKE THIS PACT...

FIRST ONE TO GO WILL
COMMUNICATE WITH THE OTHER.

SO, SURE ENOUGH, A COUPLE OF
MONTHS LATER, HARRY PASSES ON.

ONE NIGHT, LOU'S LYING IN BED,

HEARS A VOICE, WAKES UP,
SITS UP, LOOKS AROUND...

HE SAYS, "HARRY, IS THAT
YOU?" HE SAYS, "YEAH."

HE SAYS, "WHERE ARE YOU?"
HE SAYS, "WELL, I'M IN HEAVEN."

HE SAYS, "HEY, TERRIFIC.
WELL, COME ON. LET'S HAVE IT.

DO THEY PLAY BASEBALL
OR DON'T THEY?"

AND HE... HARRY SAYS, "LISTEN.

"I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU AND I
GOT SOME BAD NEWS." HE SAYS, "YEAH?"

HE SAYS, "WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS,
SURE, WE PLAY ALMOST EVERY DAY."

HE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?" HE SAYS,
"THE BAD NEWS IS YOU'RE PITCHING TOMORROW."

EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN.
THIS IS FOR YOU.

IT'S A SUBPOENA.

"YOU'RE PITCHING TOMORROW."

THAT'S GOOD.

"YOU ARE HEREBY SUMMONED TO APPEAR
AT 5:00 AT THE SUPERIOR COURT BUILDING."

THEY SURE DIDN'T
GIVE YOU MUCH NOTICE.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?

READ BETWEEN THE
LEGALESE, FRANK.

THE INTENT LITERALLY
LEAPS OFF THE PAGE.

IN PREPARATION FOR HIS SOON-TO-BE-ANNOUNCED
CAMPAIGN FOR THE GOVERNORSHIP,

ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL
"HATCHET MAN" SULLIVAN...

DESPERATELY REQUIRES
YOUR PRESENCE...

BEFORE A GRAND JURY OF HIS
SPECIAL INVESTIGATING COMMISSION...

ON POLICE CORRUPTION.

IF IT'S GOOD FOR VOTES,
IT'S GOOD FOR MIKE.

OKAY. SO, WHY ME?

EITHER THEY WANT TO COMPLIMENT
YOU ON YOUR TASTE IN CLOTHES,

OR THEY'RE GOING TO
ASK YOU IF YOU'RE DIRTY...

OR KNOW ANYBODY WHO IS.

JOYCE, SULLIVAN'S HAD THAT GRAND
JURY IMPANELLED FOR OVER SIX WEEKS NOW,

AND HE HASN'T BEEN
ABLE TO GET PAST...

THE FIXED TICKET AND
FREE LUNCH STAGE.

THE MAN'S GOTTA FIND
SOMETHING TO JUSTIFY...

THAT $2 MILLION
COMMISSION OF HIS,

AND BELIEVE ME...
KNOWING SULLIVAN...

IF THE DIRT DOESN'T
EXIST, HE'LL CREATE IT.

WELL, COUNSELOR,
WHEN IT COMES...

TO GRAND JURIES, I'M
NOT EXACTLY A VIRGIN,

SO IF IT'S A DOG-AND-PONY
SHOW THEY'RE AFTER,

I SUPPOSE I COULD DANCE AROUND
THE RING FOR THEM FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

UH-OH. UH...

COULD YOU FLOAT ME A BUCK
FOR ANOTHER CLUB SODA, PLEASE?

I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO HIDE, BOY SCOUT.

YOU MEAN BESIDES THE
CONDO IN SAINT CROIX...

AND THE HIGH-PRICED
LEGAL TALENT?

MAN, OH, MAN, THAT DENISE
HAS GOT YOU SO HENPECKED...

ME HENPECKED? YOU DON'T
KNOW IF YOU'RE COMING OR GOING.

"OH, YES, DENISE, I'LL LEAVE MY
BACHELOR PAD... YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

"FOR A HONEYMOON SUITE. RENKO,
SO WHAT IF WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER?

WHERE DO YOU WANT
THE HOPE CHEST, DOVEY?"

KNOCK IT OFF, MAN.
"SURE I WILL, SWEETHEART."

♪ WE'LL GET MARRIED IN JUNE ♪

A WEDDING? WHO SAID
ANYTHING ABOUT MARRIAGE?

"HEY, SNOOKUMS, YOU KNOW
I'VE GIVEN UP MY RANDY WAYS.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I'LL NEVER, EVER..."

HEY, RENKO... STOP SIGN!

OH, MAN.

GET OUT THE CAR,
RENKO! WHAT IS THAT?

GET OUT THE CAR!

LISTEN, JOE, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO PLAY THE HERO.

IF YOU FEEL HALF AS BAD AS YOU LOOK, YOU
SHOULD JUST TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.

IT'S OKAY. I'M FINE.

WHAT, ARE THEY WASHING
THOSE DISHES IN A CEMENT MIXER?

YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY? YEAH.

DARN IT, JOSEPH.

I AM ASHAMED OF THE WAY I
ACTED THIS MORNING AT ROLL CALL.

I MEAN, YOU NEARLY DIE
IN YOUR OWN BATHROOM,

AND I'M UPSET ABOUT SOME
LOUSY BREAKFAST DATE.

IT'S JUST... IT'S JUST STUPID.

HEY.

I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY, PAL.

NO PROBLEM. FORGET ABOUT IT. NO.

COULD I HAVE A CHECK,
PLEASE? NO, REALLY.

FIRST OF ALL, I NEVER WOULD HAVE SLUGGED
YOU IF I'D HAVE KNOWN YOU WAS A COP.

HEY, IT'S HISTORY, OKAY?

SECONDLY, AND MORE IMPORTANT,

YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST GUY
MY WIFE PICKED UP IN A BAR.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE SOME
OF THE SLOBS SHE BRINGS HOME.

I'M THINKIN' ABOUT PUTTING A
TURNSTILE ON THE BEDROOM DOOR.

SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN TELL
YOU SHE WAS MARRIED, DID SHE?

COULD WE TALK ABOUT
HIS ANOTHER TIME?

COULD I HAVE A CHECK, PLEASE?
PERSONALLY, I HATE VIOLENCE,

BUT WHEN I SAW YOU COMING OUT
OF MY DOOR THIS MORNING AT 5:30,

WITH MY WIFE HANGING
ALL OVER YOU...

IN THAT SEE-THROUGH
NUMBER, I GUESS I JUST SNAPPED.

SEE, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS,

MY WIFE AND I HAVE BEEN UNDERGOING
SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS OF LATE,

AS A RESULT OF WHICH SHE'S BEEN TAKING
OUT HER ANGER AT ME THROUGH THESE...

EXTRA-MARITAL ENCOUNTERS.
YOU MEAN LIKE WITH JOE?

THE FACT IS, SHE PROBABLY
WASN'T EVEN ATTRACTED TO HIM.

OUR COUNSELOR REGARDS IT AS A CLASSIC
AGGRESSION-DISPLACEMENT SYNDROME.

BUT I FEEL IT GOES BACK TO HER
UPBRINGING IN BANGOR, MAINE.

DON'T BUY ME LUNCH.

I FEEL A LOT BETTER, NOW
THAT I'VE SHARED THIS WITH YOU.

WOULD YOU JUST
PUSH? I CAN'T HELP IT...

IF A DOGGONE STOP SIGN JUST
JUMPS UP IN FRONT OF ME LIKE THAT...

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO, POP A WHEELIE?

IT WOULDN'T HAVE JUMPED UP ON
YOU IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO DAMN BUSY...

TRYING TO PSEUDO-PSYCHOANALYZE
MY DOMESTIC LIFE!

YOU KNOW, WE'RE IN A PUBLIC
PLACE HERE. A PUBLIC PLACE.

I'LL DEAL WITH YOU
LATER. HEY! YOU...

YOU WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE,
AND YOU TAKE THAT GHETTO BLASTER,

AND YOU JUST WALK
AWAY FROM HERE, MAN.

WALK AWAY FROM HERE RIGHT NOW.

LOOK, YOU GOT A
REGISTRATION TO GO WITH THIS?

I'M SORRY, OFFICER. IT'S NOT
MY CAR. AW. HERE GOES LUNCH.

NO, I MEAN IT'S FROM MANELLI
MOTORS, WHERE I WORK.

HONEST.

DR. LITVAK... HE
BROUGHT IT IN LAST WEEK.

HE NEEDED A VALVE JOB,

AND HE WON'T BE PICKING IT
UP FOR ANOTHER THREE DAYS,

SO ROY SAID I COULD TAKE IT DOWN
TO CITY HALL FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

JIMMY'S BROTHER'S GETTING
MARRIED IN A HALF AN HOUR.

WAIT, WAIT... WAIT A
MINUTE. WHO IS ROY?

HE'S THE MANAGER OF THE
GARAGE. HE LET ME TAKE IT.

NO LIE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T FEEL SORRY ABOUT
YOU AT ALL. RENKO, KNOCK IT OFF.

I DON'T FEEL SORRY ABOUT THIS
AT ALL. GO BACK TO YOUR CAR.

I'M GONNA RUN YOUR
LICENSE IN. OH, BABY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE'S
TALKIN' ABOUT. HEY, COME ON, ROY.

YOU TOLD ME I COULD TAKE
IT. TELL 'EM. DAMN IT, JIMMY.

YOU KNOW HOW MR. MANELLI
IS ABOUT CUSTOMERS' WHEELS.

ORDINARILY I'D
COVER FOR THE KID,

BUT THAT'S 800 BILLS'
WORTH, IF IT'S A DIME,

- AND I AIN'T PUTTIN' MY JOB
ON NO LINE.
- YOU'RE LYIN', ROY.

BE QUIET. BUT HE
GAVE ME THE KEYS, MAN.

HE TOLD ME IT'D BE OKAY AS LONG AS I
GOT IT BACK BEFORE THE BOSS WAS DUE.

SO YOU'RE MAINTAINING
THAT HE STOLE THE CAR? YEAH.

I DIDN'T STEAL NOTHIN'! HE'S JUST
LYING TO SAVE HIS LOUSY BUTT.

HEY, JIMMY. DIDN'T I TELL YOU
TO BE QUIET? NOW, BE QUIET.

IT WASN'T ENOUGH I GAVE HIM THE
REST OF THE DAY OFF FOR THE WEDDING.

HE WANTED SOME WHEELS BESIDES.

HE'S LYING, MAN. I SWEAR TO GOD.

HE MUST HAVE DROVE
IT OUT OF HERE...

WHEN I WENT TO PICK UP THAT
CYLINDER HEAD OVER ON RICHMOND.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WE'RE TALKING
DOUBLE-DIGIT INFLATION HERE, NEAL.

I COULD MAKE A BIGGER RETURN ON
MY INVESTMENT IF I STUCK THE BREAD...

IN A SOCK DRAWER, SO I PULLED
EVERY PENNY OUT AND STUCK IT...

IN A READY-ASSET
MONEY MART FUND.

HEY, IF THE PRIME RATE
HOLDS, I'M SWIMMING IN IT.

HEY, SOUNDS GOOD, BABE.

HOW MUCH YOU INVEST?

460 BUCKS. WHOO!

HEY, WHAT'S WITH THAT
DUDE IN THE PEACOAT?

HEY, HE'S COOL, BABE.

WAITING ON AN OLD
LADY HE WALKED UP WITH...

PROBABLY HIS
MOTHER OR SOMETHING.

THIRTY-FOUR YEARS OLD,
IN MY PEAK EARNING YEARS,

AND HERE I SIT ALL DAY
LONG, STARING AT BUILDINGS.

I SWEAR, ONE OF THESE
PUNKS DON'T HIT SOON,

I'M GONNA JUMP ONE OF
THESE OLD BROADS MYSELF.

MAN, I GOTTA TAP A KIDNEY.

YOU WANT A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING
FROM THE BAR ACROSS THE STREET?

NO THANKS, MAN. HEY, JUST
DON'T TAKE ALL DAY, HEY, J.D.?

HOW LONG CAN A
QUART OF GIN TAKE?

♪♪

MM-MMM.

ALL OF HOLLYWOOD SEARCHING FOR
THE PERFECT SEX GODDESS OF THE '80s,

AND HERE SHE IS, STACKING ROCKS
GLASSES IN A FOURTH STREET BAR.

HEY, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.

"HE'S A HANDSOME DEVIL, BUT
WILL HE BE GENTLE?" NOT EXACTLY.

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE
CONSIDERING THE POSSIBILITIES,

YOU WANNA WRITE ME
UP FOR A CLUB SODA...

AND A HAM-AND-CHEESE ON WHEAT?

HMM? YOU DON'T
REMEMBER ME, DO YOU, J.D.?

WELL, I...

KATY MOORE? SURE. WELL, YEAH.

I MET YOU AT MULLIGAN'S WITH KEVIN
DONLEAVY ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO.

RIGHT, KATY. HEY, YOU KNOW HOW
DARK IT ALWAYS WAS IN THAT JOINT.

HUH, KATY?

AS I RECALL, IT WAS PRETTY
DARK IN MY APARTMENT...

THAT NIGHT TOO. WOW.

HEY, I'M SORRY, BABY.

LOOK, I WAS INTO SOME PRETTY
MAJOR-LEAGUE DRINKING BACK THEN, YOU KNOW?

YOU MUST HAVE CAUGHT
ME ON A LOST WEEKEND.

ON THE WAGON NOW? SIX MONTHS.

GOOD.

UH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DID, UH... DID WE HAVE A
GOOD TIME THAT NIGHT?

YEAH.

YOU GONNA TALK TO ME OR
WHAT? I SAID I WAS SORRY.

LOOK, IF... IF THE GUY HADN'T DUKED
ME, I WAS STILL GONNA MEET YOU.

I WAS LEAVING HER PLACE
TO COME AND SEE YOU.

THANKS A MILLION.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT ME TO DO?

A GUYS WORKS A 60-HOUR JOB, HE'S
GOTTA TAKE IT WHEN HE CAN GET IT.

YOU WANNA KEEP IT TILL WE GET IN
THE CAR? YEAH, I GOTTA BE AT MY...

I ASKED YOU OUT PLENTY OF TIMES,
AND I NEVER HEARD MORE DUMB EXCUSES.

"LUCE, YOU WANNA GO TO
THE HOT TUBS TONIGHT?"

"NO, JOE. I GOTTA DO MY NAILS."

"MAYBE WE CAN WATCH SOME
TELEVISION." NO GAS CAP?

THAT'S A VIOLATION. "NO,
JOE. I GOTTA GET SOME SLEEP."

VIOLATION?

I REALLY HAD THE
HOTS FOR YOU, LUCE.

NO SIDE-VIEW MIRROR?

BUDDY, PLEASE. ALL I DID
WAS TURN AGAINST THE LIGHT.

- AND YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING?
- YOU DON'T ANYMORE.

WELL, DON'T LOOK AT
ME LIKE IT'S MY FAULT.

WELL, THEN, WHOSE FAULT
IS IT? LUCY, WE BOTH HAVE...

A LOT OF DISPLACED ANGER
TOWARDS EACH OTHER, THAT'S ALL.

YOURS MIGHT BE
DISPLACED. MINE'S NOT.

NO HORN.

YOU KNOW, ALL MY LIFE
I'VE HAD THIS COMPULSION...

TO DOMINATE EVERY
WOMAN THAT CAME IN MY LIFE.

IT WAS LIKE A DISEASE.

OH, WHO YOU KIDDING?

SO YOU TOOK TWO
ASPIRIN, AND IT'S GONE.

BUT YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DISCRIMINATE
BETWEEN THE WOMEN I WORK WITH...

AND THE WOMEN I ROMANCE.

SIGN.

OKAY, SO YOU WANNA TAKE
A HOT TUB WITH ME TONIGHT?

EAT A WORM.

TAP THE KIDNEY, EH, BABE?

IF YOU CAN'T GET ME AT HOME,
YOU CAN TRY THE NUMBER HERE...

THURSDAYS, FRIDAYS
AND SATURDAYS.

I WILL COMMIT THIS
NUMBER TO MEMORY.

HOLD IT! HOLD IT.

THANKS FOR THE BACKUP, MEN.

WHAT THE HELL IS...

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF... MOM...

LOCKING UP AN INNOCENT YOUNG
MAN... MOM, IT ISN'T HIS FAULT.

IT'S THAT STINKIN' LIAR ROY.
BE QUIET, YOU TROUBLEMAKER.

$50 IT COST ME TO
BAIL YOU OUT... $50.

IT TOOK ME FIVE HOURS TO
DO MY HAIR THIS MORNING.

IN THERE, AND SHUT UP.

HI, LEO. HEY, COOPER, TAKE
THESE GUYS, WILL YOU, MAN?

CAUGHT SOME OF THEM,
LEO... THE WELFARE MUGGERS.

- NOT THE CAPTAIN.
- I WANT THIS GOLF BALL BOOKED,
LOCKED UP, OR I QUIT.

PROFESSIONAL RIVALRY HERE, LEO.

I WAS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR
THE APPREHENSION OF THE CRIMINALS.

THE COLLAR IS MINE. THIS
GUY IS A SUICIDAL MANIAC.

HE'S A MENACE TO PUBLIC SAFETY, AND
HE LEAPED IN FRONT OF A FLEEING VEHICLE.

MY INTENT WAS TO CUSHION
THE IMPACT WITH MY BODY.

SEE? THE GUY'S GOT A 50-KNOT
BREEZE BETWEEN HIS EARS.

ALL RIGHT, I'M
GETTING TIRED OF THIS.

GRANT NEWCOMB,
FEDERAL INVESTIGATOR.

AND BEFORE YOU START WITH THE
"HE'S LOONY" BUSINESS, HOTSHOT,

MAYBE YOU JUST BETTER LISTEN.

I'VE BEEN ON THE STREET THREE MONTHS,
WITH COUNTERPARTS IN 17 MAJOR CITIES.

WE ARE THE VANGUARD...

OF A TASK FORCE THAT IS STUDYING
THE TACTICAL REACTION TIME...

OF URBAN POLICE FORCES.

NOW, THIS IS VITALLY IMPORTANT,
WITH RESPECT TO AN EXTRAPOLATION...

PREDICTING AN EPIDEMIC OF
METROPOLITAN CRIME IN THE NEXT DECADE.

HERE. PASS IT AROUND.

SURE, THE COSTUME'S SILLY, BUT IT
GETS ME IN AND OUT OF CRIME SITUATIONS...

WITH A MINIMUM OF RISK AND
WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION.

I COULDN'T VERY WELL GO AROUND
HOLDING UP LIQUOR STORES, NOW COULD I?

IF YOU WANT CONFIRMATION,

CALL THIS TRANS-STAT NUMBER
IN MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA.

IT'S A LOGISTICS CENTER
ON THE NINER-FIVE PROFILE...

WITH A DIRECT SATELLITE
FEED TO WASHINGTON.

THANK YOU, OFF...

UH, AGENT NEWCOMB.

THEN AGAIN, THE ASTRO SPACE
ZOMBIES MAY HAVE DESTROYED IT BY NOW.

CAN'T TAKE IT. I'M
GONNA KILL HIM.

BE COOL, BABE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, FRANK?

LOOKS LIKE A SUBPOENA.
IT'S A SUBPOENA.

THE SULLIVAN COMMISSION HAS
ASKED ME TO TESTIFY THIS AFTERNOON.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY
I'M AS PLEASED AS PUNCH?

GOOD QUESTION, HOWARD.

HE'S HERE. I'LL CALL YOU BACK. I
WENT THROUGH ALL THE POSSIBILITIES.

COULD IT BE EXPENSE ACCOUNT VOUCHERS? OF
COURSE NOT. AS SOON AS I KNOW, YOU'LL KNOW.

COULD IT BE PROCEDURAL
IMPROPRIETY?

IMPOSSIBLE. I LOVE YOU TOO.

YOU KNOW, I WAS A
BIT CONFUSED AT FIRST.

I MEAN, WHY SUBPOENA ME TO AN
INVESTIGATION OF IN-HOUSE CORRUPTION?

THEN IT CAME CLEAR... THE BOOK.

WHAT BOOK, HOWARD?

MY BOOK... THIRD WORLD
DYSGENICS, THE URBAN CRISIS.

THEY GOT WIND OF IT.

THEY WANT ME TO COME DOWN THERE
AND FILL IN THE LANDSCAPE FOR THEM.

- THEY SAID THAT?
- WELL, IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT APPLIES.

AND BELIEVE YOU ME, I'M GONNA
GIVE THOSE GAVEL JOCKEYS...

MORE THAN THEY BARGAINED FOR.

I'M GONNA BRING THE
AMBULANCE TO THE DOOR.

IT'S THEIR OWN HALF-BAKED LIBERAL
PROVISOS THAT HAVE LED TO THIS DRY ROT,

AND I'M GONNA
LAY IT ON THE LINE.

IT'S TOO BAD THAT THEY
DIDN'T CALL YOU FELLAS.

THINK AGAIN, HOWARD.
I GOT ONE TOO.

OH, THIS IS A VIRTUAL COUP.

BETWEEN THE THREE OF US,

THIS WHOLE PLAGUE OF
CORRUPTION AND ILL-GUIDED REFORM...

CAN BE SQUEEZED
OUT INTO THE OPEN.

YOU COULD ALWAYS READ THEM THE
FOREWORD TO YOUR BOOK, HOWARD.

YES.

A PROFOUND STATEMENT LIKE
THAT READ INTO THE RECORD...

THAT COULD BE THE
BEGINNING OF SOMETHING.

I'VE GOTTA LOOK OVER MY NOTES. I'VE GOT A
CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH I'VE GOTTA PUNCH UP.

YOU'RE NOT WORRIED,
ARE YOU, RAY?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND, FRANK.

AFTER 18 YEARS OF
DEDICATED SERVICE.

WHEN DO THEY WANT YOU?

SOON. VERY SOON.

YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.

ENOUGH TO GET ELECTED TREASURER
OF MY HIGH SCHOOL FRENCH CLUB.

TRÈS BIEN, MON AMI. SUPERBE.

AND YOU ARE A MAN WHO CAN
APPRECIATE THE IMPORTANCE...

OF WHAT I CARRY
HERE IN MY POCKET.

IS THAT, UH, A TRAVEL
DEPOSIT? MAIS OUI.

GRACE AND I HAVE ARRANGED A
SABBATICAL TO THE COUNTRY OF KINGS.

WE'LL LIVE AS FRENCHMEN,
TALK THE LANGUAGE,

MAKE LOVE WITH THE SAME
ARISTOCRACY OF PASSION.

SOUNDS AUTHENTIC.

OH, I'M THERE EVERY
NIGHT IN MY DREAMS.

THE SUN ON THE VINES
AT CLOS VOUGEOT.

THE CYPRESSES DRAPING THE ROAD
FROM ANGOULÊME TO CHÂTELLERAULT.

THE... PHONES THAT DON'T WORK,

PLUMBING BUILT IN 12 A.D.,

PASTRIES THAT GIVE YOU
COLONIC DYSENTERY...

AND TOILET TISSUE
THAT'S LIKE WAX PAPER.

ÉTRANGER.

COME ON, MOVE IT, WATER LILY.

STOP IT. THESE GLOVES
WERE A GIFT FROM ORGON.

AND I'LL GIVE 'EM BACK TO YOU
AS SOON AS I FINGERPRINT YOU.

YOU CAN'T GIVE
THEM BACK TO ME...

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING
TO GIVE THEM TO YOU.

PLEASE? BUCHANAN, PUT HIM
IN WATER BEFORE HE WILTS.

WHY WON'T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR
GLOVES? WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

MICK, OLD FRIEND, WOULD
YOU KINDLY TELL THIS MAN...

WHY IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO
FINGERPRINT CAPTAIN FREEDOM?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WHY IS IT?

WELL, MAYBE IT IS OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN',
LEO? WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

LaRUE AND WASHINGTON
BROUGHT HIM IN ON CHARGES.

SAME STORY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL THOSE
BOZOS YOU WERE A FRIEND OF MINE?

IT'S NOT RIGHT TO LEAN
ON YOUR FRIENDS, MICK.

I GOT HIM, LEO. COME ON.

YOU AND I HAD A DISCUSSION
A WHILE BACK, DIDN'T WE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
THROUGH WITH THIS.

ORDERS, MICK.

I'VE BEEN RECRUITED BY THE
NEPTUNIAN ANTI-CRIME PATROL.

THEY TRANSMIT VOICE COMMANDS TO
ME WHILE I'M SLEEPING IN MY CLOSET.

DO YOU EVER STOP AND...

YOU SLEEP IN A CLOSET?

THERE'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH
ROOM IN THE MICROWAVE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. KICK ME LOOSE?

LISTEN TO ME. YOU GOTTA
GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.

THIS ALICE IN WONDERLAND
STUFF IS FUN, BUT IT'S GOTTA STOP.

I'M STANDING HERE WATCHING YOU
DRIFT FARTHER AND FARTHER AWAY.

YOU GOTTA GET STRAIGHT.

YOU GOTTA PUT
YOURSELF BACK IN REALITY.

WHAT IS REALITY, MICK?

YOU EVER SEEN THE
NUCLEUS OF AN ATOM?

YET THE EXISTENCE OF THE
ENTIRE UNIVERSE DEPENDS ON IT.

YOU EVER TOUCH THE HUMAN SOUL?

YET IT DRIVES YOU MORE STRONGLY
THAN ANY MUSCLE IN YOUR BODY.

WE STEP IN AND OUT OF REALITY
AT EVERY INSTANT OF OUR LIVES,

AND YET WE PERSIST...

IN REDUCING EVERYTHING THAT WE
SEE TO BLAND AND SECURE TERMS.

A SINGLE FLY IS
CAPABLE OF LAYING...

MORE THAN 20 MILLION EGGS.

LEO TOLSTOY PULLED WAR AND
PEACE FROM THE NOTHINGNESS...

OF PURE THOUGHT.

THE GOLD IN YOUR TEETH
WAS MANUFACTURED...

IN THE INTERIOR OF
AN EXPLODING STAR.

WHAT IS REALITY? WHO GOVERNS
IT? WHAT ARE THE RULES?

WHO IS TO SAY THAT
AT THIS VERY MOMENT...

I AND EVERYTHING AROUND YOU...

ARE NOTHING BUT THE CREATION
OF YOUR OWN COSMIC DREAMS?

YEAH.

ACTUALLY,

MY GOAL IS TO HAVE A
SANDWICH NAMED AFTER ME.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS,
YOU WALK UP AND YOU SAY,

"SARGE, I LOST MY
WEAPON." IT'S THAT EASY.

I DO NOT WISH TO HEAR ANY
SUGGESTIONS FROM THIS SIDE OF THE ROOM...

CONCERNING MY IMPLEMENT,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I CAN HANDLE IT
MYSELF. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THE
ANGLE YOU HAVE DRAWN...

REPRESENTING THE COLLISION
COURSE OF OUR TWO VEHICLES...

IS SHY 45 DEGREES?

I SWEAR, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE WHITE
MAN'S HIGHER ORDER OF MATH INTELLECT,

WE'D STILL THINK THE WORLD
WAS FLAT, WOULDN'T WE?

AND MAYBE IF YOU CLOSE
YOUR EYES AND WISH REAL HARD,

IT'LL BE UNDER YOUR
PILLOW IN THE MORNING.

DO YOU BOYS KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT A GAL CALLING IN...

FOR A SALT-AND-PEPPER TEAM?

THAT CAME IN A FEW MINUTES AGO, BUT
SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE NAMES. IT'S TRINA.

AND A GUY CALLED ROY WHO PUT
HER BOYFRIEND IN MERCY HOSPITAL.

HEY, SERGEANT, YOU GOT
A SPARE UNIT WE CAN USE?

UNLESS I'M MISTAKEN, WE'VE YET TO
RESOLVE THE MATTER OF YOUR PRIOR UNIT.

WELL, IT'S REAL
IMPORTANT, SARGE.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY,
PRACTICALLY. ALL RIGHT.

GRAB A KEY OFF THE BOARD, AND
WATCH YOUR FINGERS IF LEO SEES YOU.

AND BRING THIS ONE BACK
INTACT, OR KEEP DRIVING.

OH, MAN. IT'S BROKEN
IN TWO PLACES.

LOOK KIND OF LIKE A CHAMP, HUH?

HOW'D IT HAPPEN, SON?

WE WENT BACK TO THE
GARAGE. SEE, I FIGURED IT OUT.

LAST MONTH WE HAD A
COUPLE OF ROBBERS COME IN,

AND SINCE THEN ROY'S BEEN KEEPING
THE CAR KEYS IN A LOCKED BOX.

SO YOU SEE, THERE WAS NO
WAY THAT I COULD GET THAT KEY...

WITHOUT HIM OPENING
THAT BOX FOR ME.

SO I CALLED HIM A LIAR,

AND HE GOT HOT.

YOU THINK MAYBE WE
COULD GO BACK THERE NOW?

YOU SEE THIS? IT'S
LOCKED. LOCKED, LOCKED!

YOU TOOK THE KEY
OUT OF THE COFFEE CUP.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR SHORTS,
MAN. WHAT COFFEE CUP?

HE SAW ME PUT THE
KEY HERE. YOU'RE A LIAR!

YOU FAT, UGLY SLIME FACE.

PIG HEAD. QUIET.

DOG BRAIN. BE QUIET.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY,
HEY. COME HERE. COME HERE.

LADY, KNOCK IT OFF. HEY,
DON'T YOU DO THAT. LOOK AT THIS.

I GOT THIS CLUB, AND
I'LL USE IT... LADY, HEY!

GET OVER HERE. I MEAN IT. GET
OVER HERE. JUST WALK IT OFF.

GET OVER HERE AND BE QUIET.

EVERYONE, LISTEN
UP FOR A SECOND.

NOW, MY PARTNER AND I
HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING...

FOR SURE WHO'S
TELLING THE TRUTH HERE,

AND NEITHER WILL A JUDGE,

SO IF YOU PRESS CHARGES FOR
AUTO THEFT, AND YOU FOR ASSAULT,

CHANCES ARE YOU
BOTH ARE GONNA LOSE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

DO YOU? PEOPLE VERSUS
ESTERHAUS... FAMOUS CASE.

EQUAL AND OPPOSING PARTICIPLES.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE
DAMAGE TO DR. LITVAK'S LINCOLN?

THERE'S 800, 1,000 BUCKS THERE.

LOOK, I WANT SOME
LAW ENFORCEMENT HERE.

"LAW ENFORCEMENT"? WELL, NOW.

MR. MANELLI, YOU HAVE
A SMALL GARAGE HERE.

OBLIGES YOU TO PARK THREE
OR FOUR OF THESE CARS...

OUT IN THAT RED ZONE
ALL DAY LONG, DOES IT?

LET'S SAY WE PRACTICE THIS LAW
ENFORCEMENT THAT YOU'D LIKE US TO DO,

AND WE CAME BY HERE, SAY,
THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY,

FIVE DAYS A WEEK,
AT $25 A TICKET...

NOW WORK THAT OUT ON
YOUR CALCULATOR, PROFESSOR.

UH, LET'S SEE HERE.

WHOA! COWBOY,
THAT'S $2,500 A WEEK.

$2,500 A WEEK, BUT
THERE IS A SOLUTION.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
WE'RE GONNA DO FOR YOU.

LET'S HAVE
HANDSHAKES ALL AROUND.

THAT MEANS YOU
GIVE HIM HIS JOB BACK,

THE INSURANCE PAYS FOR THE DAMAGE TO
THE LINCOLN, AND EVERYTHING IS HUNKY-DORY.

NO HARM, NO FOUL. THANK
YOU, PROFESSOR HILL.

THE GUY IS GOING TO
HIS BROTHER'S WEDDING.

YOU STOP SHORT, AND HE
PLOWS INTO THE REAR OF OUR CAR.

HE WINDS UP NO JOB, A
BROKEN NOSE, ARRESTED,

PLUS HE'S ON THE
HOOK FOR BAIL MONEY.

NOT TO MENTION A TORN TUX.

AND YOU SAY, "NO HARM, NO FOUL."

WHERE IN THE HELL
HAVE YOU BEEN ALL DAY?

WHAT IS JUSTICE, MY MAN?

WHAT IS JUSTICE?

ALL UNITS IN THE VICINITY.

THE MAN WITH THE
GUN AT 717 WEST 114th...

HEY, THAT SOUNDS CLOSE, COWBOY.

WHAT IS JUSTICE, MY MAN?

I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE SINKING
FEELING IN MY GUT, FRANK.

RELAX, RAY.

IT'S JUST A FORMALITY,
NOTHING MORE. BELIEVE ME.

YOU THINK SO? PIECE OF CAKE.

THEY'RE NOT INTERESTED
IN THIRD WORLD DYSGENICS.

THEY WANT MY FINANCIAL RECORDS.

JUDAS PRIEST, FRANK.

IF THEY'RE PUTTING THE
BROWN SHAFT TO OUR TYPES,

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THEY'VE
GOT IN STORE FOR THIS HOMBRE?

HOWARD. AFTER 18 YEARS
OF DEDICATED SERVICE.

WELL, I MEAN, WHO KNOWS WHAT
SKELETONS A CARIBBEAN PAST CAN HOLD?

RAY, YOU WEREN'T INVOLVED IN THAT
BAY OF PIGS FIASCO, BY ANY CHANCE?

CAPTAIN FURILLO?

LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS, FRANK.

ASK NOT FOR WHOM
THE BELL TOLLS, RAY.

IT TOLLS FOR THEE.

CAPTAIN FURILLO HAS RECEIVED
FIVE MERITORIOUS COMMENDATIONS,

THREE MEDALLIONS,
AND SEVEN PROMOTIONS...

DURING HIS YEARS ON THE FORCE.

I COMMEND YOU,
CAPTAIN. THANK YOU.

NOW, I HAVE ONE VERY
SIMPLE QUESTION TO ASK YOU.

ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN AWARE,

OF ANY WRONGDOINGS IN
THE POLICE DEPARTMENT?

THAT'S A BROAD
QUESTION, MR. PECK.

I'VE BEEN IN THE
DEPARTMENT FOR 17 YEARS,

AND WRONGDOING,
TO GO BY THE BOOK,

CAN APPLY TO JUST
ABOUT ANYTHING,

RIGHT ON DOWN TO THE
OFFICE FOOTBALL POOL,

WHICH, YES, WE'RE NOT WITHOUT.

WELL, PERHAPS I CAN
HELP YOU A LITTLE BIT.

BY "WRONGDOINGS," OR CORRUPTION,

I MEAN SERIOUS
WRONGDOINGS, CAPTAIN...

ANY ACT FOR WHICH A POLICE OFFICER
COULD BE CONVICTED OF A FELONY.

AND I WILL LIMIT "AT ANY
TIME" TO THAT PERIOD...

SINCE THE KRAFT COMMISSION,
FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AGO.

DOES THAT MAKE
IT EASIER FOR YOU?

I HAVE NO PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE
OF ANY INDICTABLE CRIME...

COMMITTED BY AN OFFICER
DURING THAT PERIOD...

EXCEPT FOR THOSE CRIMES THAT
ARE ALREADY PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE...

AND FOR WHICH PROSECUTIONS
HAVE ALREADY BEEN INSTITUTED.

NO PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE?
THAT'S CORRECT.

CAPTAIN FURILLO, WHO SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE?

THAT'S THE BIGGEST
EVASION OF THEM ALL.

WE'RE A GRAND JURY HERE.

WHAT WE ARE INTERESTED IN IS, WHAT
HAVE YOU HEARD? WHAT'S ON THE GRAPEVINE?

NOW I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER
YOUR ANSWER, CAPTAIN,

AND TO REMEMBER,
YOU'RE UNDER OATH.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,

MS. JACKSON,

WOULD YOU READ THE
CAPTAIN HIS RIGHTS?

"AS THE POSSIBLE TARGET OF A GRAND
JURY INVESTIGATION YOU HAVE CERTAIN RIGHTS.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT... " I'M
AWARE OF MY RIGHTS, MR. PECK.

GOOD.

THEN PERHAPS I CAN ASSIST YOUR
MEMORY JUST A LITTLE BIT FURTHER.

ARE YOU NOW,

OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN AWARE OF
ANY ALLEGED CORRUPTION IN THIS CITY'S...

SOUTH FERRY PRECINCT?

INDEED, ISN'T IT A MATTER OF
COMMON KNOWLEDGE, CAPTAIN,

THAT A DETECTIVE PAD
EXISTS IN THAT PRECINCT,

AND ISN'T IT A FACT
THAT THAT PRECINCT...

IS AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE UPPER
ECHELONS OF THE POLICE DEPARTMENT?

THERE HAVE BEEN RUMORS, YES.

THEN YOU DO HAVE
KNOWLEDGE OF CRIMES.

RUMOR DOES NOT CONSTITUTE
KNOWLEDGE, MR. PECK.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I WOULD FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
DISCUSSING THESE MATTERS...

IF THIS GRAND JURY,
SINCE ITS INCEPTION,

HAD, FOR JUST ONE
DAY, MET ITS OBLIGATION...

OF ABSOLUTE SECRECY.

INSTEAD, STORIES HAVE LEAKED OUT
TO THE PRESS EVERY DAY THIS WEEK...

DIRECTLY FROM THIS ROOM.

CAPTAIN FURILLO, DO YOU WISH
TO TAKE THE FIFTH AMENDMENT?

ARE YOU IMPLYING I'M
GUILTY OF A CRIME, MR. PECK?

I'M IMPLYING THAT YOU MAY
HAVE PERJURED YOURSELF TODAY.

I'M GUILTY OF NOTHING... BUT
GIVEN THE PREVAILING ATMOSPHERE,

CLEARLY IT WOULD BE INADVISABLE
FOR ME OR MY COLLEAGUES...

TO SAY ANY MORE WITHOUT
ADVICE OF COUNSEL.

YOU WILL EXCUSE ME PLEASE.

FRANK, WHAT HAPPENED?

LEO, SOMEBODY SPILLED
WATER ON THE FRONT STEPS.

YES, MA'AM. I JUST THOUGHT
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW...

BEFORE SOMEBODY SLIPS
AND BREAKS THEIR NECK.

YOU MEAN AFTER ALL THAT,
THEY NEVER EVEN GOT TO YOU?

I HAVE TO GO BACK TOMORROW.

EIGHTEEN YEARS OF
DEDICATED SERVICE.

HELLO, GENTLEMEN.
OH, HELLO, FAY.

FRANCIS ISN'T BACK
FROM THE GRAND JURY YET.

CUP OF SUMATRA?
NO, THANK YOU, PHIL.

SOMETHING THE MATTER, FAY?

I HOPE YOU HAD THAT
CHECKED LIKE I TOLD YOU.

BLACK MOLE CANCER, RAY. I MEAN,
IT CAN JUST GET YOU LIKE THAT.

YOU'LL BE DEAD
WITHIN FOUR WEEKS.

THERE ARE WORSE THINGS
THAN CANCER, MRS. FURILLO.

EXCUSE ME, FAY.

SAY, FELLAS, CAN I SEE YOU
IN THE CAPTAIN'S OFFICE?

I HOPE YOUR LOVED ONES
ARE WELL TAKEN CARE OF.

OH, I TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF
MY LOVED ONES, MRS. FURILLO.

LOOK, SARGE, IF IT'S ABOUT THAT
SECOND UNIT ME AND RENKO TORE UP,

WE CAN EXPLAIN THAT.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT, BOBBY.

IN FACT, MES ENFANTS,

YOU TWO AREN'T EVEN GONNA GET NEAR
A SQUAD CAR FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL DAYS.

AW, SARGE, I'LL PLAIN CROAK
OUT THERE ON FOOT PATROL.

PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN MY
VEHICULAR SITUATION TO YOU BEFORE...

DO YOU MIND, RENKO?

WHAT I WAS COMMENCING
TO INFORM YOU...

IS THAT YOU'VE BOTH BEEN
SELECTED TO PARTICIPATE...

IN A MAJOR UNDERCOVER OPERATION.

I CAN'T GIVE YOU
THE DETAILS NOW,

EXCEPT THAT IT
INVOLVES A SCAM SALOON,

AND WE'LL BE GOING
AFTER SOME FAIRLY BIG FISH.

ARE YOU INTERESTED? YES.

EXCUSE ME.

NOW LISTEN, COWBOY,
IT'S A GREAT CHANCE...

ESTERHAUS. BUT THEY'RE GONNA
FIND OUT ABOUT THAT STOLEN GUN...

OH, YES, MR. SALBENI. SO YOU
BETTER TELL THEM BEFORE THEY DO.

WE DON'T WANT TO BLOW THIS
ONE. JUST A MINUTE, MR. SALBENI.

UH, YOU TWO KNOW ANYTHING...

ABOUT A GARBAGE DISPUTE
OVER BY THE KUBIAK LODGE?

SANITATION WON'T PICK UP. SAYS
THE STUFF'S ALL OVER THE BLOCK.

GOTTA BAG IT, SARGE. THOSE
MERCHANTS KNOW THAT.

I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO
YOU ON THAT ONE, MR. SALBENI.

SARGE?

DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE A
WORD WITH YOU IN PRIVATE, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT, ANDY.

I HAVE THIS FRIEND
NAMED SHIRLEY BATTAGLIA,

AND SHE JUST WENT IN FOR
HER REGULAR OB-GYN CHECK UP.

BEFORE YOU COULD
SAY "HYSTERECTOMY,"

THEY'D YANKED OUT HER FALLOPIAN
TUBES, BOTH OVARIES AND HER UTERUS.

TWO DAYS LATER THEY FOUND
A LUMP IN HER HUSBAND'S EAR.

CANCER?

I DON'T KNOW, HENRY.

YOU KNOW, IT JUST SEEMS
LIKE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK...

IT'S JUST DEATH, DEATH, DEATH.

SO, UH, I WAS KIND OF
EMBARRASSED, YOU KNOW, SARGE?

YOU SHOULD HAVE
REPORTED IT IMMEDIATELY.

IF THE WEAPON WERE LATER USED
IN THE COMMISSION OF A FELONY...

I'LL CALL AROUND. I'LL
SEE IF ANYTHING TURNS UP.

SURE YOU DON'T WANT
A CUP OF COFFEE, FAY?

I GUESS YOU DIDN'T READ
ABOUT THOSE COFFEE TESTS...

ON LABORATORY RATS, DID YOU?

I GUESS FRANK'S NOT COMING BACK.

I DON'T KNOW, HENRY.

YOU KNOW, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE
NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE.

IT'S JUST ONE
GIGANTIC CRAP SHOOT.

WE LIVE. WE DIE.

WE KNOW NOT WHY.

OH, LEO, DO YOU SMELL GAS?

NO. NO, I DON'T, MRS.
FURILLO. DO YOU?

YOU KNOW, FRANK,

I UNDERESTIMATED
MICHAEL SULLIVAN.

APPARENTLY THERE'S
SOMETHING PERSONAL...

GOING ON BETWEEN
HIM AND DANIELS.

"APPARENTLY"?

THEY KNEW PRECISELY WHAT DANIELS
HAD DISCUSSED WITH ME AT BREAKFAST.

HOW? HOW DO I KNOW HOW?

SPIES, INFORMANTS.

DANIELS SAYS I'M ONE
OF ONLY FOUR PEOPLE...

IN THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT
HE TRUSTS TOTALLY.

THAT MAY BE HIS NORMAL
FLAIR FOR MELODRAMA, BUT...

THE MYSTERIOUS INTRIGUES OF
THE BYZANTIUM POLICE DEPARTMENT.

I'M SORRY, FRANK.

I KNOW THIS COULD
GET UGLY FOR YOU.

HMM. WILL YOU
VISIT ME IN PRISON?

EVERY SUNDAY...

WITH A BASKET OF FRUIT
AND THE SUNDAY PAPERS.

THEN I'M NOT AFRAID
OF MICHAEL SULLIVAN...

NOT THIS MOMENT ANYWAY.

MMM.