Hill Street Blues (1981–1987): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Spy Who Came in from Delgado - full transcript

Hill, Renko, and Belker work undercover at a seedy downtown salon. Calletano becomes suspicious about a new attractive office assistant who is less than qualified for the position. Davenport recommends a lawyer for Frank in the corruption-seeking Sullivan Commission. Hunter uses hounds to try and find wild dogs running around in the city.

ITEM 11, OPERATION FIDO.

VERY FUNNY. VERY FUNNY.

BUT OPERATION FIDO
IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

EARLY THIS MORNING A WINO WAS
FOUND CHEWED TO DEATH IN AN ALLEYWAY.

IN RECENT WEEKS OUR WILD DOG POPULATION
HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR DOZENS...

OF HOUSE PETS MURDERED
AND ONE CONFIRMED CHILD DEATH.

AS MANY AS 40 OF THESE
HIGHLY TERRITORIAL ANIMALS...

MAY BE FOUND HOLED UP IN THE ABANDONED
TENEMENTS AT THE SOUTH END OF JEFFERSON.

THE S.P.C.A. HAS URGENTLY
REQUESTED OUR ASSISTANCE.

THEREFORE, CHECK THE DUTY BOARD.

LIEUTENANT HUNTER WILL
BE CONDUCTING A BRIEFING...



GIMME SOME OF THAT?
YEAH? IN ROLL CALL AT 8:30 A.M.

BATES, COFFEY, BALLANTINE, WEBSTER,
GORNICK, SELWYN, WASHINGTON, LaRUE.

- WHAT?
- LaRUE, I ALWAYS KNEW
YOU'D BE WITH DOGS.

YEAH? YOUR SISTER BACK IN TOWN?

ITEM 12. WE'LL HAVE TWO NEW
CLERICAL PERSONNEL ON LINE TODAY.

A MS. EMILY WILLIAMS
AND MR. REGIS PASTORINI.

LET'S GIVE THESE NEW CIVILIAN
TRANSFERS EVERY OPPORTUNITY...

TO BEGIN THEIR WORK
EXPERIENCE ON THE HILL...

PRODUCTIVELY AND
HAPPILY, SHALL WE?

I.E., TO THE AD HOC
WELCOMING COMMITTEE...

LET'S TRY AND CONTROL
OURSELVES WITH REGARD TO...

WHOOPEE CUSHIONS,
BUZZERS, RUBBER PENCILS,

SQUIRTING BOUTONNIERES,
EXPLODING CIGARS,

ET CETERA, ET CETERA, ET CETERA.



ONCE AGAIN I AM OBLIGATED
TO EXPRESS CONCERN VIS-À-VIS...

A CERTAIN FLAIR FOR PRACTICAL
JOKING ENDEMIC TO THIS DEPARTMENT.

TO THE ANONYMOUS WIT WHO PLACED
THE FOLLOWING CLASSIFIED ADS...

IN THE PERSONAL SECTION OF
THIS WEEK'S ADULT FREE PRESS,

"PLEASE SPANK ME, I LOVE
TO BE SPANKED. SHARI."

555-8161.

AND, "MATURE DOMINANT LADY,

"ATTRACTIVE BLONDE IN BLACK
NEGLIGEE, GARTER BELT, HOSE AND HEELS.

CALL MISTRESS LUCY."

555-8161.

GUYS, LET ME REMIND
YOU, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

OUR PHONES ARE BUSY TRYING TO
HANDLE CITIZENS' COMPLAINTS OF CRIME.

REALLY, THEIR SEXUAL PROBLEMS
SHOULD BE DIRECTED ELSEWHERE.

LADIES, NOS EXCUSES
SINCERES. ALL RIGHT, LET'S ROLL.

AND, HEY! HEY!

LET'S BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.

OH, MISTRESS LUCY, YOUR
WHIP IS SO STINGY AND CRUEL,

BUT HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT IT?

SHE HIT ME, MAN. NO,
MAN, SHE REALLY HIT ME.

OH, COME ON, MAN. WE
GOTTA HUSTLE US UP ON SOME...

DISPATCH. WE HAVE A 9-11.

ARMED ROBBERY IN PROGRESS.

SEE SURPLUS STORE, CORNER
PEOPLE'S DRIVE, 124th STREET.

SOME DAY. FIRST THEY PUT
ME ON THE POO-POO SQUAD.

NOW IT TURNS OUT I'M
YOUR BASIC SUBMISSIVE TYPE.

UH, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

WE GOT AN UNDERCOVER
ASSIGNMENT, J.D. YOU?

YOU THINK I OUGHT TO HIDE
MY PIECE IN MY BOOTS, J.D.?

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE
STEPPING TODAY THERE, OLD BOY.

CAPTAIN, I WAS
COMING TO SEE YOU.

WHAT IS IT, AM I BEING
PUNISHED OR SOMETHING?

I MEAN YOU'VE GOT THESE JUVENILES, THESE
INFANTS, OUT THERE IN PLAIN CLOTHES...

AND YOU GOT ME AND NEAL
ON THE HYDRANT-SNIFFING TOUR.

FIRST OF ALL, J.D., I DON'T HAVE TO
JUSTIFY YOUR ASSIGNMENT TO YOU,

SO YOU CAN JUST KEEP
YOUR TONGUE IN YOUR FACE.

BUT THE REASON IS, WE'RE OPERATING
A SCAM SALOON DOWN IN SOUTH FERRY...

WITH SOME OF JERRY
FUCHS'S PEOPLE.

YOU AND NEAL HAVE ALREADY
WORKED SOUTH FERRY.

THEY KNOW YOU THERE,
SO YOU CAN'T DO IT, OKAY?

YES, SIR.

J.D., IF FRANK SERPICO CALLS, TELL HIM I'M
UNDER FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, ALL RIGHT?

SEE YA, J.D.!

I WAS IN THAT SULLIVAN COMMISSION
GRAND JURY ROOM LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES...

WHEN DONALD PECK
WENT FOR MY JUGULAR.

YEAH, WE ALL READ
THE PAPERS, FRANK.

DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING COVERED? CHITS
FOR EXPENSES, UNITS FOR PERSONAL USE?

WE'RE AS CLEAN AS A
WHISTLE, FRANK. HENRY?

I THINK WE'RE FINE, FRANK.
OKAY, GOOD. THANK YOU.

YES, PHIL? WELL, THERE IS
THE MATTER OF ART DELGADO.

OH, MY GOD, DELGADO. GET
HIM UP HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

I'LL GET RIGHT
ON IT. IN UNIFORM.

RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

DELGADO LEFT TO GO
FISHING AT TAFT LAKE.

AVE MARIA...

I'M GONNA GET SOME COFFEE.

IS THIS COFFEE FOR
UNIFORMS ONLY...

OR ARE CIVILIAN EMPLOYEES
LIKE MYSELF ALLOWED?

THIS COFFEY'S FOR UNIFORMS
AND CIVILIANS. THAT'S CUTE.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S JUST ONE MORE
ITEM I'D LIKE TO COVER HERE, GENTLEMEN.

WE FACED ONE
FORMIDABLE OBSTACLE...

IN THAT MOST SEARCH DOGS,

INCLUDING ALL OF THE DIVISION'S,

ARE TRAINED FOR NO MORE
THAN ONE SPECIFIC TASK.

HENCE, NO TRAINER IN THE AREA
WOULD LEND US HIS DOGS FOR OUR...

SOMEWHAT UNIQUE PURPOSE.

I KNOW A GUY WHO HAS A
MEXICAN HAIRLESS WE CAN GET.

WE'RE TALKING DOGS,
JOE, NOT WOMEN.

FUNNY, J.D., VERY FUNNY.

FORTUNATELY, I
OVERCAME THE DILEMMA...

THROUGH THE AID OF AN
OLD HUNTING CHUM OF MINE.

IT APPEARS THAT BASSET HOUNDS,

BESIDES BEING AMONG OUR
FOREMOST CANINE OLFACTORS,

ARE EXTREMELY
UNDERRATED AS HUNTING DOGS.

NOW, A BRACE OF THESE
OUTSTANDING ANIMALS...

ARE GONNA BE JOINING
US AT THE STAGING AREA.

- ANY QUESTIONS?
- YEAH.

WE GET A DRY CLEANING
ALLOWANCE ON THIS ONE?

EXCUSE ME, SERGEANT.

ARE THE FIRST THREE DIGITS ON THE
TIME CARD PRECINCT OR DIVISIONAL?

IT'S DIVISIONAL, PRECINCT
AND DEPARTMENT.

MY GOODNESS, THAT'S AN
ALLURING COLOGNE YOU'RE WEARING.

I'M NOT WEARING ANY COLOGNE.

MISS WILLIAMS, FORGIVE ME IF
I'M MISREADING THE SITUATION,

BUT THIS BEING YOUR
FIRST DAY OF WORK,

I FEEL IT WOULD ONLY BE
FAIR OF ME TO WARN YOU.

WARN ME? WHAT ABOUT?

WELL...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT
IS, MY WISDOM, PERHAPS,

MY ELDER STATESMAN WAYS,
MY WORLDLY EXPERIENCE,

SAVOIR FAIRE, JOIE DE VIVRE...

WHO KNOWS? THE FACT IS,

WITH ALL DUE MODESTY,
WOMEN HAVE A TENDENCY...

TO BECOME...

SOMEWHAT PRECIPITOUSLY
ENAMORED OF ME.

IT'S A PATERNAL
SOMETHING I EXUDE.

AND I JUST DON'T
WANT YOU BEING HURT.

BELIEVE ME, THE TROUBLES, THE
ACHES OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.

I SAY THIS NOT SIMPLY OUT OF
MORAL OBLIGATION, MISS WILLIAMS.

IT'S FOR THE PROTECTION
OF BOTH OF US.

WHAT... IS ANYTHING WRONG?

MY CONTACT LENS IS OFF MY EYE.

OH, NO. I THINK IT
FELL UNDER THE DESK.

IT HAS A LITTLE
TINT OF BLUE IN IT.

IS IT HARD OR SOFT?

HARD. DEFINITELY.

WIRED AND READY, LIEUTENANT. YOU
JUST FLICK THE LITTLE SWITCH UNDER HERE...

AND YOUR WARNING SIGNAL'S
GONNA START TO FLASH.

UH, BELKER, OLD SPORT, YOU
FORGOT TO SHAVE THIS MORNING.

NO, I DIDN'T. I NEVER SHAVE IN THE
MORNING. SOMETIMES I'LL SHAVE AT NIGHT.

BUT, BELKER, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO LOOK LIKE A BARTENDER,

AND UNLIKE DETECTIVES ON THE HILL,
BARTENDERS SHAVE BEFORE THEY GO TO WORK.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE CUSTOMERS, YOU
TAKE CARE OF THE VIDEO. OKAY, DOGBREATH?

YEAH. SURE. SURE, BELKER.

NOW, WHAT DOES HE
KNOW ABOUT SHAVING?

ALL HE DID IS GO TO
SCHOOL FOR 20 YEARS,

LOOK AT HIS FRENCH TEACHER'S
ANATOMY, AND NOW HE'S A LIEUTENANT.

JUST MY LUCK. I FINALLY GET A CHANCE
TO GET A LITTLE AHEAD IN THE BALL GAME,

AND MY GUN GETS ROBBED.

IT COULD SET ME BACK,
BOBBY, IF SOMEBODY, LIKE,

ASSASSINATED THE MAYOR
WITH IT OR SOMETHING.

YOU SHOULD'VE REPORTED
IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT
"IN THE FIRST PLACE."

IF YOU HADN'T DECIDED TO GET
DOMESTIC WITH THAT DENISE,

WE COULD'VE SNUCK OFF WITH THE
MALANCHUK SISTERS AFTER THE WEDDING,

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO
GO TO THAT POKER GAME...

AND NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE
HAPPENED... IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU DO HAVE A WAY OF LOOKING
AT THINGS, DON'T YA, SON?

- CUSTOMER.
- WE'RE NOT OPEN YET!

NAME'S GERSON FROM THE
DEPARTMENT OF BUILDINGS. ELECTRICAL.

ARE YOU IN CHARGE? YUP.

OH, BOY, YOU REALLY
GOT SOME PROBLEMS HERE.

FOR OPENERS, THOSE JUNCTION BOXES IN
THE CEILING HAVE ALL GOTTA HAVE COVERS.

AND YOU'RE WAY OVERLOADED ON
THAT 15 AMP CIRCUIT OVER THERE.

AND LOOK AT THAT FAN.

NOW YOU OUGHT TO KNOW YOU
CAN'T HAVE WIRES EXPOSED LIKE THAT.

IT NEEDS ARMORED CABLE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SEAT?

YEAH, I FIGURE YOU'RE LOOKING
AT ABOUT $3,000-WORTH OF REPAIRS,

BRING IT UP TO CODE, SO I COULD
LET YOU OPEN THE FRONT DOORS.

OF COURSE, I KNOW A GUY WHO CAN
FIX IT FOR YOU FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS.

YOU DO? WHO'S THAT? ME.

WAIT A MINUTE, FOR A HUNDRED
BUCKS YOU COULD DO THAT?

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TELLING ME?

I COULD PASS THE INSPECTION IF
I GIVE YOU A HUNDRED DOLLARS?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY,
YOU GOT A HEARING PROBLEM?

IT'S A HUNDRED BUCKS
THIS MONTH. FIFTY THE NEXT.

I ONLY PAID 35 UP
IN THE HEIGHTS.

INFLATION HITS US ALL.

NO, NO, THAT AIN'T
INFLATION. THAT'S ROBBERY.

YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S YOUR HUNDRED BUCKS.

NEXT MONTH PUT
IT IN AN ENVELOPE.

AH, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

THIS PLACE IS GONNA CLEAR,
EASY, 10 GRAND A WEEK.

AND YOU BEGRUDGE
ME A LOUSY HUNDRED.

BINGO.

- DID YOU GET THAT, HAIRBALL?
- READY WHEN YOU ARE, GUYS.

TAFT LAKE?

WHAT THE HELL'S DELGADO DOING
UP THERE? HE'S FISHING, FRANCIS.

WE'VE SENT WILLIS AND PETERSON
UP IN A UNIT TO TRACK HIM DOWN.

WELL, AS SOON AS THEY DO, I WANT HIM
IN UNIFORM AND OUT IN THAT SQUAD ROOM.

BUT WHAT IF WE CANNOT FIND HIM?

DON'T SAY "CANNOT,"
RAY. FIND HIM. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE WORST CASE
CONTINGENCY, HENRY?

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW JUST GOT LAID OFF.
WE CAN PUT HIM IN DELGADO'S UNIFORM.

WE SCREEN ALL SADISTS
OUT AT THE ACADEMY LEVEL.

COURTESY OF THE REINHOLD
HUNT CLUB, GENTLEMEN,

I GIVE YOU MAX AND TYRONE.

PUREBRED REGISTRANTS OF A.K.C.
AND THE FIELD DOG STUD BOOK,

AND RECIPIENTS EACH, I MIGHT ADD,
OF THE SCHILLER BASSET CLUB'S...

"GOLDEN MALLARD" AWARD
FOR TRACKING AND SHOW.

AND WHILE YOU'RE
DOING THE DOOR-TO-DOOR,

ME AND THE GUYS HERE WILL BE
CLOSING IN FROM THE PERIMETER.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA SEND
A PAIR OF PEDIGREED LAPDOGS...

AGAINST A PACK OF
WINO-EATING JUNKYARD MUTTS?

LAPDOGS? JUDAS PRIEST, MAN!

THESE ANIMALS HAVE BEEN BRED FOR ARMED
CONFLICT FOR NEAR EIGHT CENTURIES NOW.

LOOK AT THESE TEETH!

THEY ARE VIRTUAL
FIGHTING MACHINES...

NOT TO MENTION THEIR
OBVIOUS TRACKING ABILITY.

OKAY, PEOPLE, REMEMBER THIS:

THAT PACK OF DOGS OUT
THERE HAS TASTED HUMAN BLOOD.

SO LET'S USE OUR HOLLOW POINTS
FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER.

MAN, I'VE BEEN KICKED IN THE GROIN,
BEAT UP, SHOT AND LEFT FOR DEAD,

ACQUIRED A SOCIAL DISABILITY
DIRECTLY TRACEABLE...

TO THE ONGOING
PRESSURES OF POLICE WORK.

WHERE DO I FIND MYSELF
AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 34?

AM I IN AN UPWARDLY
MOBILE ENVIRONMENT?

AM I LOOKING TOWARD A
PRODUCTIVE MIDDLE AGE?

DAMN, I KNEW I
SHOULD'VE WORE GLOVES.

COME ON, JOE, I KNOW A
HICKEY WHEN I SEE ONE.

WHO'D YOU GO OUT WITH? VAMPIRA?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, SO I HAD
A BUSY DANCE CARD THIS WEEK.

ARE WE JEALOUS? ME? JEALOUS?

LOOK, JOE, I DON'T CARE...

IF YOU WANNA ACT LIKE A MEDITERRANEAN
LOUNGE LIZARD ON YOUR OFF HOURS.

I MEAN, THAT DOESN'T MEAN
ANYTHING TO ME, BUT I JUST THINK...

THAT YOU OUGHT TO BE AWARE OF
SOME OF THE TERRIBLE SOCIAL DISEASES...

THAT GO ALONG WITH THAT
SORT OF CASUAL ACTIVITY.

BELIEVE ME, LUCE, THERE
WAS NOTHING CASUAL ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, THEY FOUND SOME
NEW SOUTHEAST ASIAN VIRUSES...

THEY HAVEN'T EVEN NAMED YET.

THEN I TELL YA WHAT I'M
GONNA DO, SWEETHEART.

IF I CATCH ONE OF THESE STRANGE
VIRUSES, I'M GONNA NAME IT AFTER YOU.

TAKE YOUR TIME, NOW,
GUYS. JUST BREATHE IT IN, MAX.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
NOSE IT UP THERE, TY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT A BASSET'S
OLFACTORY CAPABILITY...

IS NEARLY 200 TIMES
THAT OF MAN'S?

WHIFF IT UP THERE, BOYS.

LET'S FIND THOSE
FOUR-LEGGED KILLERS.

LIEUTENANT... BALLANTINE. SHH.

CAN'T YOU SEE THESE GUYS
ARE TESTING THE WATERS?

WEBSTER, PLEASE, YOU'RE GONNA
THROW THEM OFF THE SCENT.

IT WASN'T ME, SIR.

I FOUND SOME DOG-PACK
DROPPINGS IN AN ALLEY OFF ASHLAND.

GOOD ENTERPRISE, BALLANTINE.

NOTHING LIKE A BAG OF JAKES FOR A
HOUND TO GET A MENTAL PICTURE OF ITS PREY.

I TELL YOU, ONE WHIFF OF
THAT AND THEY'LL ZERO IN...

ON THOSE CANINE HALF-BREEDS LIKE
A COUPLE OF HEAT-SEEKING MISSILES.

COME ON, BOYS.

HEY! WHO TOLD YOU TO DO THAT?

WATCH IT, WILL YA? NOBODY
TOLD ME TO DO IT. THEY'RE DIRTY.

I WANT YOU IN THE BAR
LIKE YOU WERE TOLD.

AND WHEN IT'S TIME TO PLAY
MR. FIX-IT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? NOTHING.
I COME IN TO SEE THE SHOW.

WE DON'T HAVE NO SHOW HERE.

OH? WELL, HOW COME THERE'S A GUY
IN A CAPE AND RED TIGHTS OUTSIDE...

READY TO JUMP
THROUGH YOUR WINDOW?

HEY! HEY! HEY!

MICK, ARE YOU OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M COMING TO THE RESCUE.
I SPOTTED THE SIGNAL.

DANGER, MICK'S IN TROUBLE.

WHERE ARE THE BAD GUYS? THEY'RE
IN YOUR HEAD, PLAYING CANASTA.

YOU KNOW, MICK, IF THAT DANGER
SIGNAL WAS MEANT AS A PRANK,

I'M NOT LAUGHING...
THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE.

YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME, AREN'T YOU?

YOU HAVE BEEN MARKED
BY THE QUEEN OF VENUS.

SHE HAS HER "MUTOIDS"
LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE.

THIS HAS GOTTA STOP,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU ANYMORE. I
DON'T WANNA KNOW YOU. YOU'RE A BEANBAG.

LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE A BANANA
PIE. GET OUT OF THIS PLACE.

I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.
I WANT YOU OFF THIS PLANET.

I WANT YOU TO PICTURE
SOMETHING, MICK.

A LITTLE BOY ALONE IN HIS
ROOM... NO FRIENDS, NO PETS...

HIS ONLY PLAYTHING, A TOY
TRUCK WITHOUT ANY WHEELS...

THAT HE PICKED OUT OF THE TRASH.

THE KIDS OUTSIDE RIDICULED
HIM BECAUSE HE WAS BORN...

WITH ONE LEG SHORTER
THAN THE OTHER.

HIS FATHER DRINKS AND BEATS HIM,
HIS MOTHER WALKS THE ROOM AT NIGHT...

SCREAMING THAT SHE
NEVER WANTED HIM.

THERE IS A TINY, DARK
SPACE BEHIND THE BUREAU...

THAT HE CRAWLS INTO.

A HIDING PLACE FROM THE
ENDLESS ACHE OF HIS LIFE.

WHILE HE'S THERE,

HE SPENDS THE HOURS PRETENDING
THAT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...

IN A WHITE GOWN
HOLDS HIM IN HER ARMS...

AND TELLS HIM
THAT SHE LOVES HIM.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
HE CAN SURVIVE, MICK.

ESCAPE... TO MAKE-BELIEVE.

A KITCHEN TABLE BECOMES A CASTLE, A
BROKEN CHAIR A ROCKET TO THE MOON.

IS IT RIGHT TO TAKE
THAT AWAY FROM HIM?

IS IT RIGHT TO CANCEL
OUT THE LAST SANCTUARY...

THAT HUMAN SUFFERING CAN RUN TO?

CAPTAIN, I'M SORRY.

OH, NO NEED, MICK.

THE BOY GREW UP,
BOUGHT INTO COMPUTERS,

AND NOW HE OWNS HALF
OF DAVENPORT, IOWA.

I READ IT IN READER'S DIGEST.

YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT
I SAW JUST 10 MINUTES AGO.

A FIVE-CAR PILE-UP ON THE
NIAGARA STREET OFF-RAMP.

THERE WERE STRETCHERS
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

UH, GEE. I GOTTA GO. ME TOO.

NICE TO SEE YOU, FAY. HI, HENRY.

EXCUSE ME, FAY. PHIL.

ADIOS, FAY.

- HOW ARE YOU, FAY?
- PRETTY GOOD, FRANK.

YOU ARE? I REALLY AM.

I THINK I'M FINALLY
OVER THE HUMP.

FIGURATIVELY
SPEAKING, OF COURSE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU SMILE AGAIN.

I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE
PLANS FOR LUNCH LATER ON?

WELL, I FIGURED AS MUCH, SO I
PICKED UP A SANDWICH ON MY WAY OVER.

YOU DON'T MIND? MIND WHAT?

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ASIDE
FROM FRANK JR. ON THE WEEKENDS,

I HAVEN'T HAD LUNCH WITH A FELLOW
HUMAN SINCE HAL PASSED AWAY?

YOU KNOW, WITH ALL THE
NOISE AND ACTIVITY HERE, FRANK,

IT'S JUST A MUCH MORE CHEERY
PLACE TO HAVE LUNCH, DON'T YOU THINK?

FRANK, I'M SURE YOU HAVE A
TON OF WORK TO TAKE CARE OF,

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST, YOU
KNOW, PICK UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.

STOP TREATING ME LIKE A GUEST.

YOU DON'T WANT TO
TALK? I BROUGHT A BOOK.

I CAN FILE THOSE
PAPERS NOW. THANK YOU.

GO BACK TO WORK,
FRANK. REALLY, I'M FINE.

JUST PRETEND I'M PART
OF THE FURNISHINGS.

UNLESS YOU'D RATHER BE
BURIED WITH MS. DAVENPORT.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME WE
CONSIDERED CEMETERY PLOTS, FRANK?

NO! NO! PHIL.

CAN YOU TELL ME
WHAT A "984-Z" IS?

IT'S A PERSONNEL TRANSFER AND RELOCATION
FORM, RAY. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

MISS EMILY WILLIAMS DOESN'T.

I ASKED HER TO PROCESS A COUPLE,

AND SHE THOUGHT I WAS
TALKING ABOUT A SPORTS CAR.

- SO?
- SO, DON'T YOU
FIND THAT IRONIC?

IRONIC? NO, RAY, I DON'T.

A NEW EMPLOYEE ALLEGING NEARLY
EIGHT YEARS OF POLICE CLERICAL WORK...

HAS NEVER EVEN HEARD OF A 984-Z,
AND YOU DON'T FIND THAT IRONIC?

WELL, I FIND IT SOMEWHAT
SURPRISING. UNORTHODOX, PERHAPS.

BUT, CERTAINLY NOT IRONIC.

IRONIC BY ME INCLUDES
"SURPRISING" AND "UNORTHODOX."

BALLANTINE,

THERE'S NO "X" ON
THAT DOOR DOWN THERE.

BALLANTINE!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

I'LL DEAL WITH YOU TWO LATER.

THE GOLDEN MALLARD AWARD.

CANINES.

THANK YOU.

WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?

THE BAD NEWS IS YOU'RE
PITCHING TOMORROW.

FRANK, THIS IS DOUGLAS
COMSTOCK. HOW ARE YOU?

SO, YOU'RE IN HOT WATER
WITH "TAIL GUNNER" PECK?

THE GUY HOLDS UP HIS SOCKS
WITH GARTERS. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

DOUG REPRESENTS
THREE POLICE OFFICERS...

WHO'VE BEEN SUBPOENAED AT ONE
TIME OR ANOTHER BY THE COMMISSION.

NO CONFLICT OF INTEREST,
I TRUST? NO, NO. NO WORRY.

FRANK, I'LL TELL YOU STRAIGHT OFF
WHAT I TELL ALL MY CLIENTS... I WON'T PRY.

YOU TELL ME ONLY AS MUCH AS
YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING ME.

OF COURSE, THE MORE YOU
REVEAL, THE MORE I CAN DO.

DO I SENSE AN IMPLICATION THAT YOU
FEEL I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING?

THAT'S PRECISELY WHAT I'D
RATHER NOT GET INTO, FRANK.

WHAT'S YOUR RETAINER,
MR. COMSTOCK?

"DOUG," PLEASE.

THAT'S SOMETHING WE
DON'T NEED TO GET INTO.

WE'D BETTER. I'M NOT
INTO SAVILE ROW SUITS.

GOOD THING. THEY
LOOK LOUSY IN COURT.

ESPECIALLY ON PRECINCT CAPTAINS.

MY FEE IS 7,500 IN ADVANCE
AGAINST 250 AN HOUR.

I'VE TALKED THIS OVER
WITH JOYCE, IN THIS CASE,

I AM PREPARED TO
HALVE THE ADVANCE.

I CAN PAY MY WAY.

THANK YOU. A CLUB SODA, PLEASE.
VERMOUTH ON THE ROCKS, PLEASE.

NOW, WHAT WE HAVE TO DO IS
GIVE YOU SOME LINES TO SAY...

READY ANSWERS WITH
LOTS OF POLISH, NO BRASS.

NO PRESSURE, FRANK. DO YOU
WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOUTH FERRY?

WHAT HAVE YOU TOLD HIM ABOUT
SOUTH FERRY? WE'RE TRYING TO HELP YOU.

IT WOULD ALSO BE
HELPFUL IF I KNEW THE GAME

PLAN DANIELS HAS FED
YOU AGAINST SULLIVAN.

MR. COMSTOCK, I HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO
KEEP POLICE BUSINESS POLICE BUSINESS.

GET YOUR HEAD UP. DANIELS IS LANDING
LITTLE GUERRILLA ARMIES ALL OVER TOWN.

THE POLICE DEPARTMENT ISN'T BEING
HELPED ANY BY THIS INVESTIGATION,

AND HE'S DETERMINED
TO COME OUT LIKE A ROSE.

NOW YOUR PROBLEM IS, YOU'RE SO
STUCK WITH BEING A TEAM PLAYER...

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IF HE SHUCKS YOU,
YOU'VE GOT TO SHUCK HIM.

DO YOU THINK I'M
GUILTY OF SOMETHING?

- THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
- DO YOU THINK I'M PART...

OF WHAT THE SULLIVAN
COMMISSION IS ALL ABOUT?

THAT I'M USING YOU TO HELP GET
ME OUT FROM UNDER SOMETHING?

- FRANK.
- COPS WATCH AFTER EACH
OTHER, DON'T THEY, FRANK?

SO YOU WANT TO PUT A NEW
COAT OF PAINT ON THE OUTHOUSE.

NO, THANKS,
COUNSELOR. TAKE A WALK.

JOYCE, LET ME GO SIT IN
THE BAR FOR THE MOMENT.

YOU DISCUSS IT WITH FRANK,
AND IF HE WANTS MY SERVICES...

- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?
- I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S IN MY INTEREST...

TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY WHO BELIEVES
I'M GUILTY BY THE COLOR OF MY EYES.

WOULD YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO YOURSELF?
YOU WALKED INTO THAT GRAND JURY...

THINKING YOUR NATURAL
INNOCENCE WOULD SHINE LIKE A LIGHT.

HOW NAIVE.

IF DOUG THINKS ALL POLICE
OFFICERS ARE ON THE TAKE,

THEN HE'S JUST PARROTING THE
ATTITUDE OF THE COMMUNITY...

THE PEOPLE IN THAT
GRAND JURY ROOM.

SO LET'S FORGET ABOUT LOOKING
INNOCENT AND GET TO WORK ON PROVING IT.

I'M GOING TO TELL DOUG
YOU WANT TO RETAIN HIM.

HEY, SPEAK UP A LITTLE, WOULD YOU,
BALLANTINE? I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU.

WE'RE AT AVENUE D AND JEFFERSON,
LaRUE. WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANY SIGN OF HIM YET.

WE'LL KEEP UP THE DOOR-TO-DOOR
DOWN JEFFERSON TO AVENUE C.

YOU CHECK OUT EVERY ONE OF THOSE
DUMPS THAT HASN'T BEEN "X'D" YET.

YOU GOT IT. OVER AND OUT.

COFFEY, BATES, THIS IS WASHINGTON.
WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE?

NEAL, WE JUST FINISHED UP
THE NORTH END OF AVENUE B...

BETWEEN JEFFERSON
AND UTICA, BUT NO HUNTER.

MAYBE HE WENT TO
LUNCH OR SOMETHING.

SURE, JOE. SURE. THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S
JUST LOADED WITH FIVE-STAR JOINTS.

HEY, KEEP LOOKING,
HUH, JOE? RIGHT.

HEY, HOW ABOUT TAKING A UNIT
'ROUND THE BACK OF THESE PROJECTS...

AND SEE WHAT YOU
TURN UP, OKAY? RIGHT.

GREAT OPERATION, NEAL.

WIND CHILL FACTOR'S
DOWN TO A GOOD MINUS 80,

THE CANINE CORPS WON'T
GET OUT OF THE DAMN CAR...

AND THE RAMROD OF THE
WHOLE GIG GOT HIMSELF LOST...

FOR THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, WE'RE
WASTING AWAY HERE BY THE SECOND.

YEAH, I KNOW, BABE. HAWAII.

HIYA, PHIL. WELL, HELLO, ART.

GOOD TO SEE YOU,
YOU OLD REPROBATE.

YOU'RE LOOKING SWELL.
THE PLACE IS THE SAME.

IT SURE IS. SURE
IS. SO? HERE I BE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M READY
FOR WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED ME FOR.

SOMETHING BIG GOING DOWN?

WELL, YOU KNOW, ART, WE ALWAYS NEED
A SHARP PAIR OF EYES HERE AT THE FORT.

PHIL, I'M GONNA
NEED MY PISTOL BACK.

OH, SURE. PLENTY
OF TIME FOR THAT.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS FOR YOU TO
RE-ACCLIMATE YOURSELF AROUND THE CLUBHOUSE.

WOW!

JOE, DID YOU LOOK IN
THE LOT BEHIND THE WALL?

TWICE. BUT I'LL CHECK IT AGAIN
AND WORK BACK TOWARD YOU.

COFFEY! BATES!

PROBLEM SITUATION UPSTAIRS!

BATES, GET UP
HERE ON THE DOUBLE!

MOVE IT!

OFFICER NEEDS
ASSISTANCE! CODE 211!

HEY, GUYS, I'M UP HERE!

HELP! HELP!

SO WHAT IF SHE'S BEEN
POKING AROUND A LITTLE?

IT'S THE NATURAL EXPLORATORY INSTINCT. A
WAY OF SETTLING IN TO A NEW ENVIRONMENT.

WHAT ABOUT THIS?

THERE WAS A COMPUTER IN
WASHINGTON THAT LOST IDAHO.

I DON'T BUY IT. THAT'S WHY I'M
CALLING A FRIEND OF MINE IN PERSONNEL.

RAY, YOU'RE JUST NATURALLY
SUSPICIOUS OF GORGEOUS WOMEN.

IT'S A... IT'S A
MEDITERRANEAN MIND-SET.

YES, YES, YES. I'M HERE.

WHAT? ARE YOU SURE?

ARE YOU POSITIVELY SURE?

THANKS, JIMMY. I
OWE YOU ON THIS ONE.

SO? WE GOT TROUBLE, HENRY.

CHANCES OF SURVIVAL ARE OPTIMUM.

THE TRICK IS TO MAINTAIN
A CLEAR FACULTY.

THINGS HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE.

COME IN. YOU WANTED ME, CAPTAIN?

WHO SENT YOU HERE, MS. WILLIAMS?

I WAS ASSIGNED OUT
OF THE DIVISION POOL.

IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH MY
WORK? PLEASE, DROP THE ACT, DETECTIVE.

WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

IF YOU DON'T MIND MY
ASKING, HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

LET'S JUST SAY WE HAVE A KEEN INSTINCT
FOR DECEPTION UP HERE ON THE HILL.

IT WOULD SEEM SO.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT'S HARD TO KNOW JUST HOW FAR
OUT OF POLICY YOU ARE, CAPTAIN.

BUT ASIDE FROM
THE USUAL STUFF...

OFFICERS SIGNING EACH OTHER OUT EARLY,
USE OF THE POSTAGE METER FOR PERSONAL MAIL,

MONEY APPROPRIATED FROM
PETTY CASH AND NEVER REIMBURSED.

THERE'S THE MATTER OF A
CERTAIN OFFICER DELGADO...

WHO HAS THE STRANGEST
SCHEDULE I'VE EVER SEEN.

ACCORDING TO RECORDS, HE'S WORKED
MULTIPLE SHIFTS IN THE SAME DAY,

HE'S MADE SIMULTANEOUS
ARRESTS MILES APART.

IT'S NONE OF MY
BUSINESS, CAPTAIN,

BUT I MET YOUR OFFICER
DELGADO A LITTLE WHILE AGO,

AND, QUITE HONESTLY,
ONE GETS THE FEELING...

HE OUGHT TO BE DOODLING
IN HIS COLORING BOOK.

GET OUT OF HERE.

I'D ALWAYS HEARD GOOD
THINGS ABOUT YOU, CAPTAIN.

I HOPE THEY'RE TRUE.

"BELIEVE ME, FRANK, I NEED YOUR
HELP. SQUARE BUSINESS, FRANK.

YOU'RE ONE OF ONLY FOUR MEN IN
THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT I CAN TRUST."

BELIEVE ME, FRANK, IT WAS
FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT.

YOU PLANT A DEPARTMENT SPY IN MY
SQUAD ROOM AND YOU CALL THAT A BENEFIT?

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO,
TAKE OUT AN AD IN THE POLICE GAZETTE?

IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE, FRANK.

WHO WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE
DIGGING THROUGH YOUR GARBAGE,

ME OR THAT LITTLE
HATCHET MAN SULLIVAN?

RIGHT NOW I'M HARD-PRESSED
TO SEE THE DIFFERENCE.

YOU'RE TAKING A VERY
PAROCHIAL VIEW OF ALL THIS, FRANK.

AT LEAST IF ANY WRONGDOING
IS EXPOSED IN MY INVESTIGATION,

WE CAN HANDLE IT INTERNALLY...

SO TO SPEAK!

AND IF YOU DON'T
MIND MY SAYING SO,

I THINK IT'S IN DAMN POOR TASTE
TO COME DOWN AND LAY THIS ON ME...

NOT TWO HOURS AFTER LOSING
HALF MY RECTAL HISTORY...

TO THOSE SNIP-HAPPY
PLUMBERS DOWNSTAIRS.

AS FOR YOUR BACKSIDE, CHIEF,

I'D SAY YOU'VE DONE A PRETTY
FAIR JOB OF COVERING IT.

A GOOD TRICK TO KNOW, NOW
THAT IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.

LET'S DON'T GET RECKLESS, FRANK.

YOU'VE BEEN LIKE A KID BROTHER
TO ME. I'D LIKE TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

TIME TO CHANGE
YOUR DRESSING, CHIEF.

WHO ARE THESE
WOMEN? STUDENT NURSES.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED, CHIEF.

TO US YOU'RE JUST
ANOTHER... PATIENT.

HOW'S EVERYTHING, HOWARD?
OH, JUST DANDY, FRANK.

THEY'RE KEEPING ME
OVERNIGHT FOR OBSERVATION.

YEAH, I JUST GOT A COUPLE OF
MINOR SCRATCHES, THAT'S ALL.

SOUNDS AS IF YOU HAD A
FRIGHTENING EXPERIENCE.

WELL, TELL THE TRUTH, FRANK,

I HAVE NEVER REALLY KNOWN FEAR.

MY MIND WAS WORKING LIKE
A COMPUTER OUT THERE...

SIFTING OPTIONS, MAKING
SPLIT-SECOND DECISIONS.

HOWARD,

I'M PUTTING YOU IN FOR
AN "A" AND "B" CITATION,

AND FOR A MEDAL OF VALOR.

WELL, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH
THAT MEANS TO ME, OLD SPORT.

IT'S A DIRTY AND
DANGEROUS JOB THAT WE DO,

BUT THAT SORT OF...

PEER GROUP RECOGNITION...

MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE.

I'M SORRY.

EXCUSE ME, YOU GOT A
HOWARD HUNTER IN HERE?

I'M LIEUTENANT HUNTER.

SWEET MADONNA.

ARE THESE FOR ME?

YEAH. AND THE CARD
COMES WITH THEM.

"I SOMETIMES THINK THAT
NEVER BLOWS SO RED THE ROSE...

AS WHERE SOME
BURIED CAESAR BLED."

NO ONE HAS EVER SENT
FLOWERS TO ME BEFORE.

WHO'S IT FROM? THE
SULLIVAN COMMISSION.

YOU'VE BEEN
SUBPOENAED TO REAPPEAR.

JUDAS H. PRIEST!

I HAVE WORN THE
BROWN HELMET IN MY DAY,

BUT THIS IS INEXCUSABLE.

HOW COULD ANY RIGHT-THINKING
MAN PULL THIS KIND OF DESPICABLE,

GUTTER-SNIPE MANEUVER?

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU
UNPRINCIPLED MANGE! HEY!

WAIT A SECOND HERE.

AND I'M A HUMAN
BEING TOO, YOU KNOW?

THINK PEOPLE CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
NO WAY. PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE DIRT.

FOLKS EVEN SET THEIR DOGS ON ME.

- DON'T TALK TO ME
ABOUT DOGS, SIR!
- EASY, HOWARD. TAKE IT EASY.

YOU KNOW, NOBODY APPRECIATES
THE ARTISTRY INVOLVED, THE EXPENSE.

I GOT OVERHEAD. YOU
THINK THESE OUTFITS JUST

COME MY WAY? AND
WHAT ABOUT THE FLOWERS?

I HAD A KID IN THE HOSPITAL FOR TONSILS
LAST MONTH. SET ME BACK OVER A GRAND.

WHO DO YOU THINK
PAYS FOR ALL THAT?

SURE, IT'S A ROTTEN JOB. I'D RATHER BE
BUNKY HUNT, BUT SOMEONE'S GOTTA DO IT.

CAPTAIN FURILLO? PHONE
CALL OUT AT THE DESK.

OH, THANK YOU. HOWARD.

FRANK FURILLO?
THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

OUT.

HEY, IS IT ASKING TOO MUCH OF
YOU NOT TO SPILL BEER ON MY DATE?

EXCUSE ME. WELL, WIPE IT UP.

YOU WIPE IT UP, BARFBAG.

ANDALE, GARÇON. COUPLE OF YOUNG
TUNAS DOWN THERE JUST DYING FOR A QUAFF...

OF THAT SAUVIGNON "BLANK."

EXCUSE ME, BARTENDER. OVER HERE.

THERE'S MORE PEOPLE IN
HERE THAN... BARTENDER!

YOU GOT A HEARING PROBLEM?
HOLD YOUR WATER, SPITOON-FACE.

I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

YOU TELL 'EM, CARY GRANT.

CAN I HELP YOU, MY MAN?
WHERE'S THE OWNER?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM...
AT LEAST, ONE OF THEM.

MY PARTNER'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? SIT DOWN.

YEAH, SURE.

WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
WHISKEY, STRAIGHT UP.

JACKSON! WHISKEY STRAIGHT UP.

BUSINESS IS LOOKING GOOD.
WE GOT A GREAT LOCATION.

YOU ALSO HAVE A SERIOUS PARKING
PROBLEM. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU GOT A RED ZONE OUT
FRONT. NO PLACE TO PARK.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'RE
BANKING ON A LOT OF FOOT TRAFFIC.

YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME, BOY.

YOU GOT A STUDENT
POPULATION HERE.

NOW HOW MANY OF
'EM DO YOU THINK...

ARE HOLDING A COUPLE OF JOINTS
RIGHT NOW, MAYBE A LITTLE BLOW?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING EXACTLY?

I'M SAYING A HUNDRED BUCKS A WEEK'LL
MAKE YOUR PARKING PROBLEM GO AWAY.

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT
FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS A WEEK,

MY CUSTOMERS WON'T BE HARASSED?

CONSIDER IT A
PROMOTIONAL EXPENSE.

HMM? YEAH.

DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD, BOY.
YOU GOT A GOLD MINE HERE...

IF YOU DON'T SCREW IT UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HMM? YEAH.

OKAY.

BE A GOOD BOY, HUH?

I DON'T WANT DOUGLAS
COMSTOCK FOR MY ATTORNEY.

IF IT'S THE MONEY... IT'S NOT.

YOUR DECISION, FRANK.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD
YOU THAT MICHAEL SULLIVAN,

FLETCHER DANIELS, DONALD PECK,

A FIENDISH MATA HARI
NAMED EMILY WILLIAMS...

AND ART DELGADO...

ARE ALL UP TO THEIR WISHBONES
IN AN INSANELY CLEVER PLOT...

TO SULLY THE SHINING REPUTATION
OF AN ITALIAN PRECINCT CAPTAIN?

WHO'S ART DELGADO?

BURN-OUT CASE.

COP WHO LOST IT SIX MONTHS
BEFORE HIS TWENTY-YEAR PENSION.

WE'VE BEEN KEEPING HIM ON
THE ROSTER AS A PAPER SOLDIER.

YOU KNOW, SIGNING HIM IN AND OUT SO
HE CAN RETIRE WITH ENOUGH TO LIVE ON.

SULLIVAN KNOW
ABOUT HIM? HE WILL.

SOUNDS LIKE A VIOLATION.

IT IS A VIOLATION.

ANYTHING I CAN
DO, FRANK? MM-HMM.

DON'T LEAVE TOWN FOR THE
NEXT EIGHT HOURS. OKAY?