Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 2, Episode 4 - Longest Monday/Eugene's Pet - full transcript

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.



Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Well, it's here.
The question is what
are we gonna do about it?

What's here?
The first Monday
in June, Eugene.

And what's the big deal?
Come on, Eugene!

Today is Trashcan Day.

Don't you know
about Trashcan Day?

Uh... No.

(ALL MUMBLING)

Trashcan Day
is a P.S. 118 legend

passed on from kid
generation to kid generation
for over three years.

And our own Gerald
is the keeper of the tale.

Tell it, Gerald.



No one of us knows
exactly when the terrible
fearsome tradition began.

However, all agree

that Trashcan Day
is the most diabolical day
ever invented.

The day is always upon
the first Monday of June,

the day before trash pickup,

when the rancid
refuse of society

lies in fly and
maggot-infected trash
containers all over the city!

My friends, today is that day!

Fifth-graders
all over the city

search out uncircumspecting
fourth-graders like us,

catch them,
and with the most
heinous abandon,

plop them unceremoniously
into trash cans.

When the 3:00 bell rings,
we all of us become fair game!

And no one of us is safe
from the wrath
of the fifth-grader.

(BELL RINGING)

Gee. That doesn't sound good.

One year,
one guy got it so bad

he smelled like
a moldy burrito
until he was 14.

This doesn't
have to happen to us.

It doesn't?
No.

We just need to stick together
and we'll be fine.

After all, these big, scary
fifth-graders,

how bad can they be?

Now, the most efficient way
to can a fourth-grader

is to grab them
right under the armpits,

like so.

Okay, Edmond?
Go ahead. Try it.

Like that?
No, no. Way too slow.

It's all gotta be
one fluid motion.
You got it?

All right.

Remember, this afternoon,
we gotta show no mercy.

When 3:00 rolls around
and that bell rings

those fourth-graders
will wish they'd
never been born!

(ALL CHEERING)

Here's the school
and here's my house.

Mrs. Vitello's flower shop
is here, right?

So if we make it
to the lot in
back of her store,

we can cut through
the flower shop,
make a dash down the street,

head up to that fire escape at
the corner and then it's just
a few rooftops to my room.

But we still got to make it
to the flower shop.

And that's eight blocks.

I heard Park has
a secret fortress
down at Oak Street, okay.

We can all hide out there.

That's perfect.

It's about halfway
to Mrs. Vitello's.

We can wait there
till the coast is clear.

(BELL RINGING)

All right, everyone.
Listen up.

Remember our plan.

Yeah, Arnold,
I remember your plan.
(ALL AGREEING)

ARNOLD All for one
and one for all.

(ALL GASP)

Every man for himself!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Talk about ironic.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

SID: No! No!
Don't can me!

(SCREAMING)

Aw man, they got Sid.

He was so young.

Hey, Wolfgang, look.

We'll never get
over that, Arnold.

There's three of them.

(GROANS)

(STRAINS)

(SCREAMING)

You two are next.

We can ride this all
the way to the flower shop.

And not a fifth-grader
in sight.

Uh... Gerald?

Except for those guys.

(WHIMPERING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, there's that
football-headed
fourth-grader again.

(LATCH CLANGING)

Park, what's going on?

This is my safe house.

Yeah, Eugene told us
about this.

No fifth-grader
knows about this place.

But fourth-graders
are always welcome.

We feed the hungry,
heal the wounded

and clean up
the garbage-covered.

Yeah, they say I might even
be smelling normal again
by the end of the week.

We even provide
psychological services.

It was horrible.

They picked me up
and then they jammed me
in the trashcan.

Oh, get over it,
you big wuss.

You're doing a
wonderful thing here, Park.

Well, we try.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

How'd they get in here?

Come back here,
you little fourth-grader.
I'm gonna get you!

What now, Arnold?
We still have four blocks
to the flower shop

and the place is swarming
with fifth-graders.

Looks pretty bad.

Psst. You's guys
are fourth-graders, right?

Yeah.

What would you say
if I could get you
out of here?

You mean...
That's right.

I can get you over the line.
Wherever you wanna go.

How much do you want?
What do you got?

How about this yo-yo
and this dog head thing?

Deal.
ARNOLD: Half now, half later.

Guys, wait up!

(CRASHING)

(CRASHING)

WOLFGANG:
Ha-ha! Good work, Mickey!

You double-crossed us!

They don't call me
"the Weasel" for nothing.
(LAUGHS)

Shut up, Mickey!

All right, you two.
It's time to
take out the trash.

Wait, wait.
You don't wanna do this.

I don't?
No. If you put us
in a trashcan

you'll only be continuing
a cycle
of endless violence

that'll go on
for generations.

But there's another option.
A visionary option.

Wolfgang, if you end
this crazy ritual,

you will be remembered
for years and years

as a trailblazer of tolerance,
a philosopher of justice.

A prophet of peace.

Never thought of it
that way before.

I could really put an end
to an entire culture
of violence.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I've weighed
both sides of the question,

considered the consequences

and thought deeply about
the profound moral issues
at stake in my decision.

And...

I'm gonna put you guys
in the trash.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

You know, that wasn't
as bad as I thought
it would be.

Yeah? Well I think
I got some
rocks in my shorts.

(MOCKING)
You fourth-graders
got garbage-canned!

Ha-ha! Really funny,
you third-grader.

Just wait till next year
when it's your turn.

You really wouldn't
do that to us,
would you?

Nah, I guess not.

Gee! Thanks, mister.

I don't know.
Maybe we should
keep up the tradition.

You think?

Well, there's two sides
to this issue.

At least we've got
all year to think about it.

I don't know about you
but I need a shower.

STINKY: This really bites.

All my life,
I've wanted a pet, you guys.

Someone I could call my own.

But my dog ran away,
I was allergic to my cat,

and my rabbit
gave me nightmares.

I thought I was never
gonna get a pet of my own,

but then... I found Henry.

I've had him for six months,
and nothing bad's
happened to him.

Henry's my best friend.

I feed him, I talk to him,

and I bought him
this neat plastic castle
with my allowance.

Show everyone
how you play
hide-and-seek, Henry.

See that?
He waved to me with his tail.

It's called swimming,
Dr. Cousteau.

(CLASSMATES LAUGHING)

Thank you for sharing, Eugene,

and may I say a goldfish
is so very... You.

And now, Arnold,
we're eager
to share in your world.

What special part of it
did you bring for us today?

I bought this yo-yo last week,

and the guys showed me
how to do cat's cradle.

And I can shoot the moon too.

Wow.

(CRASH)

(GASPS) Henry!

He's...

He's croaked, Eugene.

I'm sorry, Eugene,
I'm really sorry.

It's a trick.
(STAMMERS) It's a new trick.

He learned a new trick, okay.

Roll over, Henry.

You can do it, roll over, boy.

(SCREAMING) No!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

You gotta do it, Eugene,
it's time.

EUGENE: Goodbye, Henry.

Oh, I can't do it, Arnold,

I had Henry since he was
a little baby goldfish.

Okay, I'll flush it
for you, here.

Wait!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

You really loved him, huh?

Yeah.

What if we
bury Henry someplace

we can always go visit him?
That'd be better, wouldn't it?

There's gonna be food
at the house there, right?

There better be a potluck
after this thing.

Shh. Okay,
go ahead and put him in.

Um, aren't we gonna say
something about Henry first?

Like what?

Well, it's customary
at funerals to give a eulogy
for the deceased person

or creature.

All right, since I'm obviously
the most experienced public
speaker of anyone here...

Um, I'd prefer if
it wasn't you, Helga.

No offense,
but I'm not sure you
really appreciated Henry.

I appreciated him just fine,
you pathetic little... Ow!

Gerald should do it.
(ALL AGREEING)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Arnold...

Henry wasn't the biggest
or the best-lookin' goldfish,

so no one came to buy him
for a long time.

He thought
he'd never find a home.

Then one day,
a lonely boy
came into the pet store.

He was kind of a geek, really,

but he needed a pet

and he wanted Henry

and that was the start
of a beautiful friendship.

Henry was a simple fish,

he didn't ask for much.

A few flakes of fish food,
his little plastic castle,

that little guy with the mace.

Even though that
didn't turn out so good.

But these were the things
he loved... And swimming.

Oh, yes, swimming
was a big thing with him,

right up to the end,
when he was struck down
in a bizarre twist of fate

by a runaway yo-yo.

And so we say goodbye, Henry.

You were a good
pet fish to the end.

(CAT MEOWING)

Henry!

Eugene, I feel
really bad about this,

but I'm gonna make it
up to you. I'll get you
another fish, okay?

Oh, I can't look at
another fish, it's too soon,

I'll never be able
to replace Henry.

Then how 'bout this?
We go to the pet store
and get you a different pet.

Oh, gee,
I don't know, Arnold...

Don't give me that look.

Excuse me...
My friend here's
looking for a new pet.

And may I say,
what a thrill it is for me,
I live to serve.

Uh, can I see your bird?

Ew.
Welcome to my world.

Hamsters are pretty good.

Hey, yeah, and so friendly.

(YOWLS)

Bad chemistry,
can't fight that.

A snake would
give you style, Eugene,
you know, machismo.

Uh, I don't know, guys.

It's a harmless
little garter snake.

Yeah, snakes are really cool.

Try it on for size.

See? It pulls
your whole look together.

Hey, guys,
I think he likes me.

Look, guys,
he's giving me a hug.

(CHOKING)
Guys? I can't breathe.

So tomorrow,
we'll try another pet store,
what do you say?

Oh, maybe I'm just
not supposed to have a pet.

Don't say that, Eugene.

But maybe it's true,

maybe there are kids
who just can't have pets
and I'm one of them.

It's okay, Arnold,
I'll get used to it, honest.

I'll see you later.

Poor Eugene.

He'll be okay by tomorrow,
that kid always bounces back.

(KIDS CHATTERING PLAYFULLY)

This can't be good, Gerald.

Uh, whatcha doin', Eugene?

I brought my hippo to school,
isn't he neat?

I don't see any hippo.

Elbert's right here,
you can't hide a hippo.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Time to line up.
Come on, Eugene.

Oh, I'm not going,
I'm staying with Elbert.

But, Eugene,
you gotta go to class.

No, it's too soon.

I know he looks big,
but Elbert's still a baby.

Elbert, go get the ball,

bring it here, boy.

Yeah, good hippo!

GERALD: Man, he's slipped.

I guess Eugene was just
hangin' on by a thread,

and losin' that little fish
was the last straw.

I feel terrible
about this, Gerald.

Why'd it have to be
Eugene's fish?

What happened now?

Oh, Elbert ran away,
he chewed through his leash.

Man, losin' a pretend pet?
Now that's pathetic.

Eugene, maybe you should
talk to your mom about Elbert.

She should know about this.

No, she's not
a hippo person, Arnold.

Anyway, I got
a lot more flyers to put up.

I gotta find a way
to pull him outta this slump.

GRANDPA:
Hey, eat up, Arnold,

your grandma
don't get a wild hair
to cook fresh fish very often.

I can't eat this, Grandpa,
it reminds me
of a fish I used to know.

Uh-oh,

sounds like young Arnold
has another one

of his complex
labyrinthine conundrums
of a boyhood problem.

What is it, short man?

Well, it's Eugene's pet fish.

I accidentally killed it,
now he doesn't
have a pet anymore.

That's a shame.

I don't get it, Grandpa.

Why does everything bad
happen to Eugene?

Well, some kids
are just plain unlucky,

bad things
always happen to them.

I guess all you can do
is be a friend to him
in his time of need.

But most importantly,

never go to Vegas
with that kid or fly
in an airplane with him.

It's just not fair, Grandpa,

I can't stand
seeing Eugene so alone.

We're all alone, that's life.

You don't need
to be with anybody,
take it from me.

As long as you got
your dreams and fantasies,

you'll be able
to get up and go on.

Everybody needs a dream
to hang onto,

otherwise, they're just
people without dreams,

and if you don't
wanna wear that fork,

you better
get away from my plate,
you weasel.

(CRASHES)
(GLASS SHATTERING)

(CREAKING)

Yeah!

Gee, thanks for bringing me
to the aquarium, Arnold,

but I don't get it,
why are we here?

Eugene, see that angelfish?

I talked to people
at the aquarium
and from now on,

that angelfish
is gonna be your pet.

Wow!

See, it's official,
you can come down
and visit him anytime.

Arnold, this is so great.

You're the neatest friend
anybody ever had.

Look, he waved at me.

I'm gonna call him Angel.
Hello, Angel.

It's perfect,
he's in this huge tank
surrounded by security guards,

nothing can hurt him,
and nothing can
even get near him,

he's totally safe in there.

And I can come
see him anytime I want.

Oh, I'll tell him my secrets,

we'll take pictures of him
for my wall,
we'll grow up together.

Don't say a word, Gerald.

Hi, Angel.
Hey, where'd he go?

Uh, Angel's hiding, Eugene,
he's uh, in the back.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)