Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 2, Episode 2 - Helga's Love Potion/Gerald's Secret - full transcript

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.



Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

Good morning, Arnold. My muse.

My inspiration.

May this day be the day
that you see me
with love's eyes,

as I sees you.

Oh, flaxen haired angel.

Flaxen haired angel?
That's good.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Here you go,
football head.

Thanks.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS) Sucker.

Man, seems like Helga's
always picking on you
in particular, Arnold.



I don't know why.
I just try to
ignore her.

Doesn't seem
to be working.

But at least I still
have my dignity, Gerald.

Whatever you say, Arnold.

Again, again
I have the perfect chance

to be kind to Arnold

and yet I always turn it

in a childish
and humiliating prank.

Why do I only show
him my cruel side?

Why not reveal
the tender love I feel?

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(GLASSES BREAKING)

What?

Class, settle down, please.

I'm handing back last week's
creative writing assignments.

And before I do,

I wanna read one paper aloud.
(GASP)

This student chose
to write a poem.

A love poem, actually.

I can't tell you who wrote it

because it's signed anonymous.

"Each morn I see you
bend to drink

"from love's own crystal pool

"I tremble near you,
try to think

"Will I forever say you stink?

"Am I bound
by this tragic rule--"

Hey, Phoebs.

Hello, Helga.

(ARNOLD SIGHS)

There goes the last
of the tapioca.

(SIGHS)

You really want this, Arnold?

Well, yeah,
if you don't want it.

Then why don't you have mine.

Whoops, how clumsy of you.

(LAUGHING)

Why, why, why? (SOBS)

Why can't I show
my kinder gentler side? (SOBS)

I love him
and yet I just dumped

a dish of tapioca on him.

I gotta talk to someone
here about this thing.

So, Phoebe, got a minute?
Certainly, Helga.

Oh, not like it's some
big deal or anything

(STAMMERING) but I
was just thinking...

Is something
bothering you, Helga?

Quiet! What is this?
The Spanish Inquisition?

Oh, sorry, Phoebe.

So, just hypothetically,
let's just say

that I'm obsessed with,

hopelessly focused
on a certain b-bo

a, a thing.

Let's call it ice cream.

Well, maybe you should
put ice cream behind you.

Try to forget about ice cream

and get on with your life.

I mean, there's a lot
of other food groups, Helga.

So, what you're saying is

I should just totally
forget about Arno... Uh--

I mean, ice cream.

Right.

Thanks, Phoebe.

Oh, and, Phoebe.
Yes?

This conversation
never happened.

Right. Forgetting.

(BELL RINGS)
(BUS ENGINE HUMMING)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I know what I have to do.

I have to forget
about ice cream.

Uh, I mean Arnold.
(BUS DOOR CLOSES)

But how?

(SIREN BLARING)

(BOAT WHISTLES)

Arrgh.

He's everywhere.

I, I can't stop seeing him.

I want to forget him
but I can't.

I gotta get rid
of this obsession.

I wish I was out of love.

Madame Blanche's Love Potions?

Wait a minute. If Madame
Blanche sells love potions

then maybe she sells
"out of love" potions.

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Urm, Madame Blanche?

What can I do for you, honey?

I, I want to be out of love.

Is that possible?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, describe
the person or thing.

Well?

He's a boy.
A weird kind of quiet,

kind of stupid amazing boy.

With a big heart
and no sense of reality.

Oh, and a football
shaped head.

Here you go, toots.

Drink this tonight right
after you say the name

of the one that you wish
to love no more.

Really? That's all
I have to do?

Yeah, that's all... Oh, oh.

Pay me ten bucks, of course.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Oh.
(LAUGHING)

Cute kid, crazy as a loon.

My books of
Arnold-inspired poetry.

Volumes one through fourteen.

My Arnold shrine, and finally,

my locket.

Farewell and be done with you.

Cursed symbols
of my misspent youth.

And now, the magical potion

what will free me
from this blasted longing.

With this potion

may I love Arnold no more.

(THUNDER AND LIGHTNING)

Ice cream?

(SCREAMING) No!

(SNORES)

MIRIAM: Honey, wake up!

Okay, okay, I'm getting up.

Criminy, man, what a night.

I feel like
I got hit by a truck.

The potion,
I gotta see if it worked.

I gotta give myself a test.

"Oh orzo-shaped Prometheus

"wondering dim
hallways of my..."

What is this crap?

I'm over it.

He's no longer my muse.

I don't love Arnold.

(LAUGHING)

(BELL RINGING)

Oh, go ahead, Arnold.

Huh.

MR. SIMMONS: Each person
is a unique individual,

because that's who they are.

All right, class,
I'll be coming around

to pick up today's
creative writing assignment.

(WHISPERS) I look
forward to reading
yours first, Helga.

Getting to know you through
your writing assignments

has been one of the joys
of my teaching career.

"Morning,
I put on a pink dress

"I eat oatmeal for breakfast

"The news is on

"Mom isn't listening

"My dad reads the paper

"I got to school"

Not much of a poem.

Oh, well.

Helga, are you all right?

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(BOTH GROAN)

Are you okay?

I'm fine.
I didn't feel a thing.

Uh, Helga.
What?

This is gonna sound dumb

but I noticed that you didn't
torture me at all today.

And I just wondered
if you're sick or something.

No. I'm okay, Arnold.
Thanks for asking.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Arnold. So normal, so average

and yet what a regular guy.

(HEAVY BREATHING)
Oh, hey, Brainy.

(GLASSES BREAKING)

Oh, this is okay, I guess.

Don't feel anything.

Except I'm bored.

Hey, Phoebs.
How are things
proceeding, Helga?

I'm okay.
Not high, not low.

I'm empty of feelings.

That's it Phoebe, I'm empty.

Something's missing.

You mean ice cream?

Huh?
You know, ice cream.

Your obsession.

You're right.

Maybe I need
my obsession, Phoebe.

I need to feel longing,
and passion

and be all mad
and mixed up
all the time.

Maybe I need Ar--

I mean, ice cream.

To love, to hate, to inspire.

But I'm under a spell.

Madame Blanche.

She's got to reverse
the spell.

It's my only hope.

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Please, please,
Madame Blanche.

Take the spell off me
and let me love again.

Honey, relax, relax.

That potion was nothing

but grape juice,

chamomile and a little
ginseng for flavor.

Huh?

It's just a home
made concoction.

There's nothing keeping you
from loving anybody.

You mean I paid you

ten bucks

for some grape pop?
And a little chamomile.
Uh-huh.

Then I want my money back!

Hey, wait a minute,
it was just grape juice.

There's no spell.

I get to be in love
with Arnold again.

Oh, joy!

Oh.

Oh, blessed placebo
that restored my faith in you.

Arnold, my love.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(HUMMING A TUNE)

(BOTH GROAN)

Arnold.

Hey! Watch where
you're going you
little yellow-haired shrimp.

Oh, sorry, Helga.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
That's more like it.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

(CHEERING)

That's really great, Arnold.

Aw, that's easy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Looks like you've gotta knock
off a few pounds, big boy.

Hey, Gerald.

Come on.

We're all riding downtown
to practice for the bikeathon.

What? A bikeathon?

We're supposed to ride
our bikes in a ten K
this Saturday.

To raise money for some
goofy charity or something.

It's for world peace, Helga.

Yeah, I used to believe
in all that stuff once.

Come on, Gerald,
it will be fun.

I can't. I left
my bike at home.

We can wait.

It's not like we're
in a rush or nothing.

Well, that's okay.
Besides, I gotta go
paint my living room.

We just painted
your room
two weeks ago.

Well it's time
for another coat then.

Hey, look, I gotta go.
What's with him?

HELGA: Ah, forget him.
We got better things to do

than worry about
tall hair boy.

Come on, let's make tracks.

Hey, I thought you went off
bike riding.

I figured I'd give you a hand
with the painting.

Where's the brushes?

There aren't any
brushes, Arnold.
Oh, you're using rollers?

Look, man, there's no rollers,

there's no brushes,
there's no paint.

Gerald, what's wrong?

If I tell you something,

will you promise
not to tell anyone?

Of course, Gerald,
you can trust me.

I mean, you'd tell no one.

You got that? No one.

Not Eugene, not Stinky,

not even your grandma
and grandpa.

All right, all right.
I tell no one. Now,
what's the big secret?

Okay.

I don't know
how to ride a bike.

Come on, Gerald,
quit kidding around.

I'm not kidding, Arnold.
This is serious.

But, didn't your
dad teach you?

Ah, he tried. He was always
offering to try again.

But it's no use.

Why not?

Huh, it's a long story.

GERALD: We were still
living at our apartment
on Hillcrest Street.

Hey, Mr. J.

Hi, there little Gerald.

I'd been riding for a couple
of weeks when it happened.

There was a big hill
at the end of the street.

I just couldn't
leave it alone.

I still don't know
what happened,

but all of a sudden,

the bike was moving.

(LITTLE GERALD SCREAMING)

I forgot everything
I had learned.

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(LITTLE GERALD GROANS)

So I just never learned.

Gerald, you can
learn in no time.

No, I can't.
I can't even practice.

If anyone sees me,
I'll be laughed out
of the fourth grade.

All right, here's what
we are gonna do.

Tomorrow, after school
meet me back
of the old tire warehouse.

I'll take care
of things, okay?

No, Arnold. I can't.

Come on. You gotta
learn sometime.

But what if--
Just trust me.

No one will even have a clue.

All right, now where is he?

Hey, Gerald.

Shh, not so loud, man.

This is supposed
to be a secret.

Don't worry.
Hey lose that costume.

You can't ride in a raincoat.

Mm, really don't like this.

Should I get on?

Oh, no.
That's a mountain bike.
You're not ready for that yet.

You need to start smaller.

Try this.

I borrowed it
from the little
girl next door.

Are you crazy?
What if I'm seen
riding that thing?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Training wheels.

You, you're kidding, right?

You can't walk until
you learn to crawl, Gerald.

But what if someone--

Look, no one's gonna
see you, all right?

Gerald?

On a little pink girly

bike with training wheels.

(LAUGHS)

Wait until everybody
get's a load of this one.

(LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

HAROLD: Wait,

there's more.

It had little training
wheels on it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

STINKY: Hey, look,

here they come now.

Hey, Gerald!

Wanna borrow my bike?

(ALL LAUGHING)
I gotta get home.

Well, well, well.

The word's out, boys.

Gerald doesn't know
how to ride a bike.

You don't know what
you're talking about, Helga.

Gerald can so ride a bike.

If he knows how to ride

then how come
he's not in the bikeathon?

Who says he's not gonna
be in the bikeathon?

Oh, so he's gonna ride now?

Yeah, he's gonna ride.

He's gonna do a lot better
than you, Harold.

Well then, we'll see you
on Saturday, little babies.

And remember,

no training wheels.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sorry, Gerald, I dunno
how they found out.

Now I'm really in trouble.

If I'm not at the bikeathon,

they'll never let me
forget it.

Don't worry,
you're gonna show up.

But the bikeathon
is in two days.

Leave it to me.

By this time tomorrow,
you'll be riding like a pro.

This is great.
I really got it.

See, I told you, Gerald.

Now, let's try it
without the cinder blocks.

(BABY WAILING)

Now that you got your balance,
let's work on your steering.

Okay, I'm letting go.

(GERALD GROANS)

Oh.

Ah.

(GROANS)

You look good, Gerald.

Now for a little
lesson in braking.

(TIRES SCREECHES)

(GERALD YELLING)

(BINS CRASHING)

Man, that was great.

Now, we just
have to work
on your speed.

ARNOLD: Come on
faster, faster.

Looking good, all right,

Gerald, you're doing good.

I'm really doing it.
I'm riding like the wind.

(HORN HONKS)

Ahh!

(GROANS)

That was really good, Gerald.
Man, who are you kidding?

I can't do this.
You know I can't.

Sure you can.

We just need to spend a little
more time on braking.

This is all your fault,
you know.

My fault?

Why did you have to say
that stuff to Harold?

Why can't you
just leave it alone?

Gerald, I told him you knew
how to ride because you do.

Sure, sometimes
you lose control...

Look, I was doing fine
until you decided to help.

And now, I'm gonna look
like a fool at the bikeathon.

I quit.

You can do this, Gerald.
Don't quit now.

(SIREN BLARING)

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, Arnold.

Where's your little
buddy, Gerald?

Oh, he'll be here, Harold.

Face it, Arnold.

Your little baby friend
can't ride a bike.

(ALL LAUGHING)
Gerald can ride a bike,
all right.

Whether he shows up or not.
I know. I've seen him ride.

Well, he ain't showing up,
so you can just--

There he is.

(GASP)

Ready to ride, bubba?

COMMENTATOR: At the gun,
the third annual cycle for
world peace ten K will begin.

(HONKING)

(PANTING)

Hey, Gerald.

Gerald, what are you
waiting for?

I'm waiting for you man.

Oh.

Ahh. Mommy!

(MUSIC PLAYING)