Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 1, Episode 14 - Spelling Bee/Pigeon Man - full transcript

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.



Move it, football head.

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

TEACHER: Class, I'd like
to make an announcement.

I just got a letter
from a former pupil
of mine.

The best student I ever had.

Olga Pataki.

Olga Pataki was,
and will probably always be,

the hardest working,
most successful,

and giving alumnus of PS 118.

(SIGHING)

And I know we're all happy

to have a direct
blood relative
of Olga's in our class.

Helga Pataki.



Olga writes that she's coming
home for spring break,

and perhaps,
if we all ask nicely,

Helga will ask
her sister to visit us,

and tell us all
about the exciting life

she's been leading
at Wellington college.

Oh, will you, Helga, will you?

Oh, yes, Miss Slovak.

I'll get right on that.

(GRUNTING)

MIRIAM: Oh, Helga,

your big sister
should be here
any minute.

Isn't this exciting?

Gee, yeah, Mom.
I'm all atwitter.

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

She's here!

She's here!

Mummy! Daddy!

Welcome home, princess!

MIRIAM: You look great.

I feel great.

Toodles, Helga.

How's my baby sister?

(KISSING)

You're growing
into quite a lovely
young lady.

Yeah, I'm a real beauty.

And that's when I won
the Lunch Drama award.

Always a winner!

Just like I taught her.

If you like, after dinner,
I could perform

my Elmer Bernstein
Award-winning

rendition of the Brandenburg
Concerto.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Bravo.

Bravo!

(CLAPPING)

(SNAPS) Ow!

"Olga, Olga, Olga."

So she's beautiful.

And brilliant.

And popular.

Big deal.

If I hear her name
one more time...

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello, this is Helga.

No, Olga's not here.

Yeah, I can take a message.

Your name's Price Leblanc,

you met her
at a fraternity mixer,

thought she was
unforgettable,

wanna go out
for mocha latte.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll tell her.

What am I, a slave?

(CLINKING)

Bill, bill, bill.

Hey, what's this?

"Wellington College.

"Personal and confidential."

Probably Olga's grades.

What the heck?

"A, A, A, A, A"

as usual.

She always gets straight As.

She's like a freak
or something.

If she ever got even one B,

she'd probably go ballistic.

Sure, like that's
ever gonna happen.

Hmm.

To change the grades,
or not to change the grades?

That is the question.

Whether it is more nobler
in my mind

to suffer a modest,
unappreciated life

in the shadow of Olga,

or to stand up and
take sweet, black revenge

upon the perfect, beloved,
overbearing princess
of a big sister

suffer in her shadow?

Take sweet, black revenge,

suffer,

revenge.

Tsk, no contest.

And I'm dating one boy
who's in pre-law,

and one boy
who's in pre-med.

I just can't decide
which one I like better.

Oh, I almost forgot, Olga.

This letter came
for you today.

Oh, goody, my grades.

Can you believe
I've gotten straight As
since the third grade?

(SMIRKING)

History, A,

(LAUGHING)

Intermediate economics, A,

Atmospheric science, A,

Advance French, A.

Merci beaucoup.
(LAUGHING)

And tada!

Elizabethan poetry,

B plus?

BOTH: B plus?

(LAUGHING)

(STAMMERING)

I can't believe it.

It's not that bad, darling.

Yes, it is.

It's the worse thing
that's ever happened to me.

(WHIMPERING)

May I please be excused?

(SOBBING)

Mother, may I say,
this soup is exquisite.

(OLGA CRYING)

So, I guess you're
pretty depressed, huh?

I'll never come
out of my room again.

I've never even
got an A minus.

(SOBBING)

Well, you know
what they say,

when you get old,
the brain cells are
the first things to go.

(SOBBING)

Well, ha, I guess
I'll see you later.

I just can't stand
to see her like this.

B plus.

Leave her alone, B.
She's depressed.

It's been a whole day.

She can't just lay
around the house
moping like that.

Sure she can.

I do.

Well, it's not healthy.

I gotta find a way
to snap her out of this.

Look what I got
for you, baby.

A box of your favorite
Swiss chocolates.

I neither want
nor deserve them.

I'll take them, Dad.

One for Helga,

one for Helga,

one for Helga,

none for Olga.

(SMIRKING)

(CHOKING)

(GASPING)

(SIGHING)

ROBERT: All right, Olga,
enough of this moping.

Time to rise and shine.

I wanna see you downstairs

for dinner in 20 minutes,

and I wanna see you
in this brand new,

one of a kind,
Oleg Caprini gown.

I can't accept it.

That's a dress for a winner.

And I'm simply a loser.

(GRUNTING)

I'll take it.

Why, Price Leblanc, it's you.

What's that you say?

Ever since you met me
at the fraternity mixer?

You simply can't get me
out of your mind?

What?

(GIGGLING)

Take me out for mocha latte?

Oh, Price.
MIRIAM: Helga?

Have you changed, uh,
Olga's bedding yet?

(GROANING)

HELGA: Yes, Mom.

MIRIAM: Okay.

(GIGGLING)

ROBERT: Put on
your Sunday best, Olga.

I got two tickets
to that big Broadway show

you've been dying to see.

The joy of magestial,
sophisticated

professional theater
would be lost on me

in my sad and sorry condition.

But these are third row,
center seats, Olga.

I just wanna be alone.

Hey, Dad, I'm not
in a sad or sorry condition.

Eh? All right, put on
your parka and let's go.

(HELGA HUMMING)

(SIGHING IN RELIEF)
You sure are
in a good mood.

Catfish are jumping,
and the cotton's high,
Hair Boy.

So you and your sister
worked things out.

Sure. I fixed things up good.

I changed her grades
from college,

and she's been crying
in her room ever since.

That was a dirty trick.

Hmm, yeah.

She must be feeling
pretty depressed.

Yeah.

I mean, she must be
feeling really low and
down on herself.

Yeah, what's your point?

I don't know, Helga.
I've always to have
a brother or a sister.

I always thought
those relationships
were kinda special.

Yeah, well,
what do you know?

Olga is evil.

She's a pompous,
over-bearing,
arrogant witch.

Only this time,
I've got her beat.

Okay.

Forget I mentioned it.

Arnold.

So moral, so compassionate,

so giving.

If only I were
good and kind like that.

But, I'm not.
So, that's that.

Hey, Dad, how about
a rousing game
of checkers?

Mm? Not now, Helga.

I'm too worried
about your sister.

Hiya, Mom, what do you say
you and me mix up
a batch of smoothies?

Oh, I just don't feel
like a smoothie, Helga.

Not while your sister is
still up there in her room
all depressed.

(GRUNTS)

Crimeny!

Even when I get her
out of the way,

she still ruins everything
for me.

(OLGA CRYING)

Oh, brother.

Look at her in there
crying like a baby,

feeling all sorry for herself

all because she thinks
she got a B plus.

(SIGHING)

Well, I guess there's
only one thing to do.

(SIGHING)

Much better.

Where am I?

What is this place?

(OLGA CRYING)

How come all those
clocks are melting?

Olga? Is that you?

(OLGA CRYING)
Oh man, I gotta
get out of here.

Arnold, is that you?

I am the angel of reason.

Hmm! Wonders never cease.

How do I get out of here?

You know what
you have to do.

You must do the right thing.

But, what is the right thing?

You know it.

Do the right thing.

And now I have to go.

Wait, I have
one more question.

What's it like to fly?

Eh, it's okay.

All right, all right.

Okay, look,
here's the deal.

You didn't get a B plus.

What?

What are you talking about?

You got straight As as usual,

and I was jealous,
so I changed the grade.
Get it?

You mean,
I really did get all As?

That's right.

So you can get out of bed,
and prance around the house

like Mary Sunshine again.

You can go back
to being a golden child,

and go ahead
and tell Mom and Dad
what I did,

so they reward you,
and punish me,
like they always do.

Everything's back
to normal, bucko.

That was
a pretty terrible
thing to do.

Yeah, yeah, what's new?

Get on with it.
Tell Mom and Dad.

Well, I could do that,

I should do that,

but I'm not gonna tell them.
Mm?

What's your angle?

There's no angle, Helga.

They don't need
to know everything
that goes on between us.

You must think I'm lucky.

All the attention
I get from them.

I have to perform
all the time like some kind
of wind up doll.

I get really sick of it.

You're lucky
they don't notice you.

Really?
Really.

Gee, thanks, Olga.

Hey, what are sisters for?

I don't know.

What do you say tomorrow
we spend the day together?

Well, okay,
that might be nice.

ARNOLD: How many box tops
do we need?

Fifty.
How many do we have?

Twenty five.

Don't worry,
just 25 more,

then we can get
the sugar chunks deluxe
telescope for kids.

Sally's comet is coming
in two weeks Gerald.

If we have
that telescope by then,

we'll could see that comet
better than anyone else.

No problem.
If we don't get
the telescope by then,

we'll catch the comet
the next time
it comes around.

Uh, Gerald...

Mm.

"Sally's comet is
the most impressive,
and dazzling of the comets.

"Appears in the sky
once every...

"Seventy years"?

Now where is it
the rest of the time?

I have no idea.

All I know is
we better see it
this time.

The next time
it comes around,
we're gonna be old.

Really old.

I mean, ancient.

I mean, hair growing
out of our ears.

We've got to
get this telescope now.

Let's get busy.

(CRUNCHING)

(SLURPING)

Mm, mm, mm...

(GULPING)

(BURPING)

Gerald, we can't
do this alone.

We're gonna need help.

(CRUNCHING)

We eat cereal
and get a telescope.

This is quite a country.

Another box down.

Does anybody's bowl
need to be freshened up?

These box sized
sugar chunks
sure are chewy.

I'm still working on
my first helping.

I'm sick of cereal,

I'm sick of milk.

I'm sick of football-headed
schemes.

Why don't we just pour
all the stupid cereal
in the garbage,

and tear off
the box tops?

We can't just
throw away
the food, Helga.

There are children starving
all over the world.

Eh, I'm starving right here.

(BURPING)

I just swallowed a prize.

Sorry.

Now pace yourself,
big boy,

pace yourself.

47, 48, 49, 50.

Seal it up, Arnold.

Let's hope this works.

Of course, it'll work.

We'll soon be
the proud owners

of the most powerful
kids telescope around.

Not today, boys.

Not today, fellas.

(ARNOLD SIGHING)

Sorry, fellas.

Maybe tomorrow.

Today is your lucky day.

(DISTANT SIREN)

Man, that moon is beautiful.

And it looks so close.

Whoa, this is wild.

Arnold, there are two moons!

Gerald, I think
I found the problem.

ARNOLD: Let me take a look.

I can see airplanes,

and there's a blimp.

But I can't see any stars.

You wanna see stars, eh?

You'll have to turn
all the lights off

in this whole dag-blasted
city to see 'em.

It's too bright out here.

Hey! Turn off the lights!

Hey, everyone,

We want to see the stars.

Turn off your lights!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

MAN: I send you
stars, buddy.

What in blue blazes is
wrong with people?

Don't they know the city
has to be pitch black

like it was
when I saw Sally's comet
70 years ago?

Wait. Grandpa,
you saw Sally's comet?

(LAUGHING)
Yes, indeed.

PAPER-BOY: Babe hit 60!

The 20s are still roaring!

Sally's comet comes tonight.

Read all about it.

GRANDPA PHIL:
It was 70 years ago,

I was up on this very roof
with my father.

If only those lights
weren't burning
so brightly, Father.

Well, I think
I can take care of that.

23 Skidoo!

Isn't it magnificent, Phil?

You're gonna remember this
for the rest of your life.

Grandpa, I really wish
you could see
Sally's comet again.

Yeah, that'll be nice.

What are you gonna do
about all the lights?

Okay. I got it.

I got a plan.

GERALD: Brothers, and sister,

heed my words.

Sally's comet is
coming tonight!

I bring you the word.

Turn off your lights
so we can see it.

Sally's comet,
a once in a lifetime event.

Read all about it.

I don't care.
I gotta get my head waxed.

WOMAN: Not interested.
I don't think so.

WOMAN: Leave me alone.

I have to go wax
that guy's head.

Sorry, Gerald.

Maybe we'll have
better luck in 70 years.

Maybe if we just got away
from all the lights.

Look here, man.

Here's a place
called Hawk mountain.

Maybe it's dark up there.

Hey, any luck short man?

Not really, Grandpa.

No one cares about turning
their lights out.

Hey, Phil, ever heard
of Hawk mountain?

Hawk mountain?
Of course.

I flew my first kite there,
I got my first kiss there,

why, I fell off
that mountain once,

and broke every bone
in my body.

I love Hawk mountain.

I thought it might be
dark enough up there,

and we could see the comet.

Eh, that's a good idea.

Nobody knows
about Hawk mountain.

We'll have the place
to ourselves.

(CARS HONKING,
PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Get your comet pops here.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Man, this is insane.

Well, let's see what
the wireless has to say.

MAN:
This traffic report,

officials at the Hawk mountain
tell us the park is filled,

and the roads are closed.

Aw, man!

No way!

Consarnit.

MAN: I'd turn the car around.

Sorry, boys, but we'll
have to turn back.

MAN ON RADIO: Cats and chicks,
you've got your dials
set on M-Jazz.

and I'm nocturnal Ned,
your musical guide

into the mysterious hours
known as "Wee."

The recent poll of hepcats

says this is the most
listened to station

by the populous
of this metropolis.

Hmm...
NED: How about that?

If more people
listen to nocturnal Ned,

than anyone else...

Turn left up here.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

ARNOLD: We'll be
right back, Grandpa.

Don't worry about me, boys.

(TURNS UP VOLUME)

Hey, all you cats
and chicks out there

in listening land,
this is your tour guide

of tune, Nocturnal Ned.

Stick with me.
We'll be back
with the word from bird,

right after these
commercial messages.

Hey.

You're the guys here
about the comet, right?

I appreciate your visit.

I love the younger set.

But, you see, I can't
make an announcement.

My hands are tied
by the system.

Oops!
Dropped my donut.

How about one of us
makes the announcement?

(CHUCKLES) That's bold.
You're bold cats, brother.

Negatory though, sorry.

Gee, that really too bad.

Gerald had kind of
a speech ready
and everything.

You know, he probably
would have said
something like...

Hey, all you crazy cats
and chicks out there,

Tonight, Sally's comet is
gonna put on a major show

in the skies above your head.

It's a one night only show,

and everyone's invited.

The price of admission,
you may wonder,

Just turn out
your lights at 8:16,

and you have front-row seats
to the greatest star-studded
show in 70 years.

That's tonight at 8:16.

Lights out, and look up.

And now, back to the music.

(APPLAUSE)

That was really great, kid.

Too bad you can't
do it on the air.

Oh well, I gotta
get back to work,
and go live.

Um, we're back,

letting loose
the radio juice.

So turn it up...

(CACKLING)

ARNOLD: Hurry, Grandpa,
it's almost time.

Hang on, boys.

(ENGINE REVVING)

ARNOLD: Come on, everybody,
turn off the lights.

That's right. All of them.

Come on, Gerald.

Take it easy, boys.

How much time
do we have?

Oh beats me.

Why don't you point
your thingy at Big Barney?

What?

The clock tower, boy.

ARNOLD: Just one minute to go.

I hope Nocturnal Ned is
as popular as he says he is.

(TELESCOPE CREAKS)

Did you see that?

GERALD: Yeah,
and I can't believe it.

BOTH: Yeah, we did it!
We really did that.

Oh my! Look up, boys.

Look up.

GRANDPA PHIL: 23 Skidoo!
(LAUGHING)

Boys, you're gonna
remember this for the rest
of your lives.

It's amazing.

I know.

Man, look at it.

So, what do you think
we'll be doing in 70 years?

Looking at this comet again.

Yes, sir.
'Cause I won't be.

I'll be... You know.

Eh, no you won't, Phil.

GRANDPA PHIL: Will you
stop calling me Phil?

(MUSIC PLAYING)