Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 1, Episode 12 - Das Subway/Wheezin' Ed - full transcript

Here we go.
Arnold.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Hey, Arnold!

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS)

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold.

Arnold.

(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.

Arnold.



Move it, football head!

ALL: Hey, Arnold!

RHONDA AND NADINE:
One step, two step,
three step, four.

Up and back...

Nine times six
is 54.

Nine times seven
is 63.

Nine times eight is...

Seventy-two.

Man, how do you
remember this stuff?

Easy, all the nines
are the same.

Look.

Eight minus one
is seven.

Seven plus two
is nine.

So, nine times eight
is 72.



(BELL RINGING)

I know an easier way.

What's that?

Memorize it.

(TIRES SCREECHING)
Uh-oh.

Look who's here.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

Later, man.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Grrr.

(GRUNTS)

I hope they
remembered to feed him
this morning.

Now, remember, people,
we have a big math test
on Friday.

So let's practice
our times table,
shall we?

Let's see, who shall
I ask first?

Rhonda, Arnold, Helga.

Harold, Torvald.

What's three times three?

Uh...

Thirty-three?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Torvald, you're 13 years old
and you're still in fourth
grade.

Don't you wanna be
with your friends?

You mean in
juvenile hall?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, Torvald,
there's only one thing
I can do.

I am going to assign you
a study buddy.

(ALL GASP)

Okay, let's see now.

How about...
(ALL MUTTERING)

Arnold.

Perfect. Arnold.
(ALL LAUGHING)

You're Torvald's
new tutor.

Yep, (SIGHS) the way
I see it, you're
a dead man, Arnold.

A total dead man.

Oh, come on, Gerald,
it's not gonna be so bad.

Deep down, I bet
Torvald's just
a regular kid.

Just like you
and me.

(BOTH GASP)

I said pay back
that quarter,
you little squelcher.

(GASPING) Okay.

Do me a favor, Arnold.

If he hits you,
just lay down

and stay down.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(TAPPING ON GLASS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Okay, spaz boy.

Tutor me.

All right, let's start
with percentages.

If Farmer Brown has
200 apples,

and he gives Farmer Black
80 of them,

what percent of
his crop is left?

Any ideas, Torvald?

Math is bogus.

That's not true, Torvald.

If you don't know math,
you can't do anything
in the real world.

Like what?

Well, (SIGHS), um...

Just lay down.

Grrr.

(GULPS)

(SIGHS) Okay,
say you wanna work
for NASA

but you never learned
to count backwards.

Ten, nine, eight, uh...

Twelve, sixteen,

two, three, three.

Zero.

Zero.

No!

ARNOLD: Or you get a job
at the stock market.

But you're still having
trouble with your pluses
and minuses.

(BEEPING)
(ALL SCREAMING)

MAN: It's a crash,
the entire world economy
is destroyed.

ARNOLD: So then you get a job
in a fast food joint.

Okay, Torvald,
fill the napkin
dispensers

on all tables with numbers
divisible by a factor
of three.

(SCREAMING)

Okay, okay,
you made your point.

Tonight, my house.

Be there.

Or be dead.

(SIGHS) This is gonna be
harder than I thought.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE)

(DOG GROWLING)

(BARKING)

(GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE)
(MAN SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)

(DOOR BUZZER RINGING)

You must be Arnold,
come on in.

Torvie, your friend's here.

It's so nice you
and Torvie are getting
a chance

to study together,
you know,

Torvald's always had
quite a knack for school.

Really?
Oh, sure.

In fact, he wouldn't want me
to show you this,
but come here.

Isn't it beautiful?

See how he's
stated the lines

and look,
he got a C.

That's really nice,
Mrs. Torvald's Mom.

I'll say, he's the best kid
a mom could have.

Well, I better get to work,
those chicken fingers
don't sell themselves.

Bye, son,
make me proud.

Come on, study boy.

Your mom
sure is nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I like your room.

Suits me.

Okay, we've got
three days to study.

So let's get to work.

We'll start with
percentages.

Say, you wanna
figure out 20%
of something.

What would you do first?

Uh, buy a calculator?

Well, say you didn't
have a calculator.

Then what?

Uh... bulls-eye.

(LAUGHING)

Well, one thing
you could do is draw
a picture.

Say your dog
has five puppies.

Your mom says
you have to give away
80% of them.

What have you got
left?

One less puppy.

(LAUGHING)

That's it, I'm out of here!

What's wrong?
I'm wasting my time,
that's what.

Best thing he ever did
was that drawing he got
a C minus on.

That's funny, some kids
get bugged because
their parents think

they suck at everything
they do.

I just wish once in my life
I could be half as good
as my mom thinks I am.

Well, maybe if
you'd study
a little harder.

I try, Arnold,
I really try.

I'll tell you what,
Torvald.

You promise to stop
beating up my friends.

Then I'll help you get
another C for your mom
to put on her refrigerator.

You'd do that for me?

Arnold, you got
yourself a deal.

Thirty-three.

Thirty-six.

Thirty-nine, uh...

Thirty-nine. (EXCLAIMS)

It's no use, Arnold,
I'll never learn this stuff.

Sure you will, Torvald.

No, I won't,
I'm just not
smart enough.

(GASPS)

Hey there, squelcher,
where's my money?

Well, uh, uh,
here, Torvald.

Thanks, hey,
you're short $2.96.

A ten dollar loan
over two weeks at
8% a day.

That's $18.47.
Okay, okay, here.

Crummy little snot.

Torvald, you did it!

Huh?
Just now.

That's math.

Really?

Whoa, and all this time,
I just thought it was
business.

If Joey has 24 teeth
and you punch out
three.

How many does
he have left?

Twenty-one.

If Farmer Brown
fenced that TV

for 70 cents
on the dollar,

what would he get?

$85.70.

If you steal lunch money
from everybody
in the front row.

How many chocolate milk
could you buy?

Seventeen
and a cookie.

(YAWNS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

MS. SLOVAK: Three times
three is...

TORVALD: Uh, thirty-three?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Torvald, you're 13 years old
and you're still in fourth
grade.

Make me proud, son.

Torvald?

I can't do it, Arnold.

Sure you can.

Just take it one question
at a time like we talked
about.

Maybe that stuff
works for you
and the other kids.

It just doesn't
work for me.

I'm not smart enough,
Arnold.

Torvald, wait!

(BELL RINGING)

Thank you, Arnold,
you can go now.

Um, Ms. Slovak?

About Torvald.

Um...
(DOOR OPEN)

What about Torvald?

He's gonna be
a little late.

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.

Torvald. How'd you do?

Not so good.
Really?

Psych, I got a C!

A C+.

See ya later, Arnold,
I gotta tell my mom

and thanks for everything,
man, thanks a lot.

(WHOOPING)
I did it! I did it!

You know, Arnold.

You did a good thing
helping Torvald
pass that test.

You mean 'cause now
he knows that he has
the power inside himself

to succeed no matter
what he tries?

No, because now
I don't have to pay him
back that quarter

I owe him.

You're a real
romantic, Gerald.

Thanks, pal,
so are you.

(ALL LAUGHING)

GERALD: Hey, Arnold.

Uh, what?

I said,
"More mashed potatoes?"

Oh, uh, thanks.

Look at me, Arnold.
I'm Timberly,
the Pink Ranger.

(TIMBERLY LAUGHS)
Sorry, Arnold.

Good aim for
a 4-year-old.

Cut it out, Timberly.

Hey, Arnold, wanna see
milk come out of
Gerald's nose?

Just say the word "booger"
while he's drinking,

cracks him up
everytime.
Liar.

(LAUGHING)

Booger.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Kids, kids,
quiet down.

That's better.

Now I wanna have
a family discussion about
the electric bill here.

We're up three kilowatts
from last month.

Does anyone have
any energy saving
suggestions?

Morph the Power Suckers.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

I don't see
what's so funny.

Electricity doesn't grow
on trees.

Each time we turn on
a light in this house,

it's like throwing money
out the window.

(WHISTLES)

Warning, Timberly Johanssen,
potato flinging.

Penalty? Two minutes
of time out.

Aw, Mom.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right, it's time
for you guys to quiet down.

Be quiet, come on.

Sorry about
my family, Arnold.

You think maybe
if I change my last name,

people think I'm adopted?
What do you mean, Gerald?

I love staying over with you,
your family's fun.

They're so normal.

Arnold, you slept over
here a bunch of times.

But you never let me
stay over at your place.

Yeah, well,
good night.

In fact, now that
I think about it.

I've never even seen
all of your house.

Everytime I come over,
we always go straight up
to your room.

What's wrong
with my room?

Nothing.
Okay, then.

It's just who
are all those other
people living there?

(SIGHS) Well, I have
sort of a...

An extended family.

Great, I wanna meet 'em.

I'll come stay over
next weekend, okay?

Well, uh...

They're not like
other people.

Sounds like fun,
I can't wait.

Good night.

I don't know about
this, Gerald.

What's going on in here?
The way you kids
wasting electricity

you'd think it just
came out of the walls
or something.

Sheesh.

(OSKAR LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

SUZIE: Well, it's not
good enough for me.

I'm changing
my life, Oskar.

GRANDPA:
♪ Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling

♪ Oh, my darling
Clementine

♪ You are lost
And gone forever

♪ And her shoes
Were number nine ♪
OSKAR: Traffic jam...

ERNIE: Hey, 13 boarders,
one bathroom,

what do you...
Okay, Gerald,
we're almost there.

Now at times the things
you see may confuse
or even frighten you.

But just remember
everyone is essentially
harmless.

Arnold, relax.

I've been here before,
besides,

how weird can
your house be?

You've been warned.

(YOWLING)
(BARKING)

Grandma, I'm home.

GRANDMA: Come on in,
Kimba.

Uh, no, Grandma,
it's me, Arnold

and you remember
Gerald?

Don't try to confuse me,
Kimba.

I know you
and Colonel Binghamton

must be exhausted
after your flight
from Botswana.

But right now,
we've got a bigger
problem.

Come here,
you little man eater.

Juana's got some
medicine for you.

Uh, later, Grandma,
I mean, Juana.

We have to go now.
Okie-dokie.

Will you be staying
for dinner, Colonel?

Maybe.

There'll be plenty
to go around just
as soon as I catch it.

(GASPS)

Remember, we eat
at 1800 hours sharp.

GRANDMA: Hail the empire!

GRANDPA: That you, Arnold?

Yep, me and Gerald.

GRANDPA: Come on up.

I'm almost through
in the office.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(MEOWING)

Put 'er there, son.

Gerald and I
were just finishing
the tour.

Not so fast.

Know what day
this is, Arnold?

Uh, Arbor Day?

Nope.
The beginning
of hockey season?

Nope.

Grandma's birthday?
I have no idea.

Come on, Arnold,
first of the month,

time to collect
the rents.

(GROANS) Grandpa,
do I have to?

I've got company over.

Oh, he can help.

You'll get it done
twice as fast,

do it myself
but I've got more
pressing business

to attend to.

(STOMACH GRUMBLING)

Gotta go.

(SIGHS)

Collect the rent?
Man, all I get
is an allowance.

This is
a little different.

I'll just be
a second, okay?

You just wait
out here.

Mr. Purdy?
I'm here for the rent.

PURDY: Oh, Arnold,
I didn't hear you come in.

(CHICKEN SQUAWKING)

ARNOLD: What was that?

PURDY: What noise?
ARNOLD: That noise.

PURDY: What noise?

ARNOLD: Was that
a chicken?

No, no, no,
that was the television.

ARNOLD: But
you don't have a TV.

PURDY: That was the radio,
Arnold, the radio.

(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)

Mr. Purdy,
you're keeping a chicken
here, aren't you?

PURDY: Chicken?
(GROANS)

That's offensive.
(STUTTERS) What grown man
would live with a chicken?

(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)

ARNOLD: Well, anyway,
I'm here for the rent.

PURDY: (LAUGHS) The rent.

Well, uh...

Listen, could I pay you
tomorrow?

(ARNOLD SIGHS) All right.

See you tomorrow.

(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)
Don't ask.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(THUDDING)

ARNOLD: Ernie?

It's me, Arnold,
I'm here for the rent.

Ernie?

ERNIE: You kids know
the old Marquis Theater
on Central?

Yeah, it's a really
nice building.

Nice? A beaut,
hand carved molding.

Opera seats,
the works.

I demolished it
Thursday.

Here's the last brick.

Huh?
Ain't that something?

Every brick
tells a story.

I got a whole room
full of history here.

Uh, Ernie, I have
a lot of checks
to collect.

You got a lot
of nerve, kid.

Coming between
a man and his memories?

You know, one good
sledgehammer to
the cornerstone

and this whole place
will come down like
a ton of bricks.

You get it?

(GULPS) Whatever.

You know, I like
your friend here, Arnold.

I like him a lot.

You ought to go
into demolition, kid.

Here, take your rent,
peasant.

Why don't we catch up
with you later, Ernie?

Fine, shove off,
it's no skin off
my nose.

Man, he was creepy.

Yeah, and he likes you.

Mr. Smith.

First of the month,
Mr. Smith.

(BEEPS)

(BEEPING)

What's his deal?

Mr. Smith
is very private.

Now that's private.

(CAMERA BEEPING)

Oh, Arnold,
good to see you.

Are you here
for the rent?

Yeah, and we're kind
of in a hurry.

Very good, before
I pay you.

We do
manual chores.

Building maintenance.

But I really don't
have the time.
You are a good kid.

Good kid.

Here, try
the socket wrench.

HYUNH: Oh, still
not straight.

Try again.

But we've done this
over 16 times.

Seventeen time
is the charm.

HYUNH: Good job.

Here's a tip.

A shiny new dime
for each of you.

The rent?
I will have tomorrow.

Listen, I know this can't
be any fun for you.

Why don't you
just wait in my room?

I'll do the last place
and catch up with you.

Nah, I wouldn't
desert you now.

Besides, nothing
can be worse than
that dime guy.

Okay.

(OSKAR AND SUZIE ARGUING)
(OBJECTS CRASHING)

OSKAR: Who is it?

It's me Mr. Kokoshka.

Hi, Arnold,
excuse me.

There, I should've listened
to my mother,
she tried to warn me.

OSKAR: Oh, Suzie.

I could've married
Joe Stevens,

he wasn an orthodontist.
I'm looking for work.

SUZIE: Won't find it at
the race track.

OSKAR: I know that now.

Stand by
for pottery.

But, Suzie,
I work all the time.

Just not professionally.

SUZIE: You haven't worked
in three years!

OSKAR: What about my
audition for the lead in
Man of La Mancha?

SUZIE: Oskar, I'm telling
the truth.

Now, I'm...
OSKAR: Oh, Suzie, please.

You don't want
to end it like this.

HYUNH: I have a cousin,
good divorce attorney.

I'll help you
divvy up the property.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Arnold, you gotta
do something.

(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

(CLEARS THROAT)
(BELL RINGING)

Dinner is served.

BOTH: Okay.

Why should we fight
when you know we're just
going to make up?

It doesn't make
any sense.

ERNIE: So they do,
so they do.

Plus, you know
I always...

More soup,
my little green card?

GRANDMA: Drag on in,
that's right, face down,
everybody.

ERNIE: Boom!
OSKAR: Oh, he hit
the chicken.

Sorry about today,
Gerald.

I know my house
isn't exactly normal.

Ah, you kidding, Arnold?
You get to hit people up
for rent money.

You get to bust
a fight.

Man, your house kicks.

Yeah, you know what,
you're right.

(SNORING)

Good night, Gerald.

(GERALD SNORING)

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)