Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): Season 1, Episode 11 - Benchwarmer/Cool Jerk - full transcript
Benchwarmer: Arnold, Gerald, Stinky, and Robert are on the YMMA's basketball team, and Coach Wittenberg teaches the team to always pass the ball to his son Tucker. Arnold teaches Tucker how to do free-throw shots, only to find he still hogs all the credit. Cool Jerk: Arnold makes friends with a cool older boy named Frankie G., but he soon discovers the real reason why this guy likes him so much.
MAN: Here we go...
HELGA: Arnold!
(CATS SCREECHING)
(DOGS BARKING)
HELGA: Hey, Arnold.
(LOUD CLATTER)
(LOUD SHRIEK)
HELGA: Hey, Arnold!
Arnold?
Arnold!
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold!
Arnold.
Move it,
football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Boy, that movie
really sucked wind.
Yeah, who played
the onion anyway?
Didn't believe his performance
for a second.
Plus, it was two hours long.
Two hours too long
if you ask me.
GERALD: Can't believe
we paid money for that.
Uh-oh.
Hey, what happened to the sun?
It went down.
Aw, man. I told my mom
I would be home before dark.
She's going to kill me.
We've got time.
The street lights
aren't on yet.
Now what are we going to do.
We could take
the crosstown bus.
You mean that one?
Well, we could walk.
Walk?
It'll take days!
We'll freeze to death!
We'll be eaten by pigeons,
or worse...
Eaten by rats!
I hate rats!
We could pool our money
and take a cab.
Do you know how much
a cab would cost?
It would cost approximately
$34 and 20 cents.
Without the tip.
I have 82 cents
and some string.
(ALL GROANING)
Okay, let's not panic.
I know how we can
get home before anybody
gets in trouble.
Oh, no.
Don't say it, Arnold.
Don't even think it.
We take the subway.
(ALL GASP)
Arnold, you know what they say
about taking the subway
after dark.
"Sun goes down,
stay above ground."
I ain't scared of no subway.
I ain't scared of nothing.
Nope. No subway for me.
Not no way.
Not no how.
I am not taking the subway.
I can't believe
I'm taking the subway.
We're taking
the subway, Grandma.
Yeah, the Eastbound D Train.
We'll be home in half an hour.
Come on, Arnold,
it's coming.
Are you sure,
this is the right one, Gerald?
Yep. We take the D
to Union Park.
And then the C three stops
until 41st Avenue.
And then switch over
to the One.
Or does that say seven?
Oh, no! We should
really be on the F!
(ALL GRUMBLING)
Nice going, Geraldo.
Oh, that's okay.
We can get off
at the Waterloo station
and transfer to F.
(CREAKING)
Hey, look.
I'm a monkey.
(LAUGHING)
See? I told you
this wouldn't be so bad.
Well, that guy
seems comfortable.
(SNORING)
What a sweet little girl.
MAN: You see
how easy this is, Hillary?
Only by confronting
your claustrophobia,
will you be able
to overcome it.
Now say your mantra.
Yes, doctor.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Good, Hillary.
Don't forget to breathe.
Look, I'm
an upside down fireman.
Get off that pole,
fat boy.
That's for holding on
not climbing on!
Hey, how did you know
I was climbing?
When the eyes went,
the other senses got stronger.
Speaking of which...
(SNIFFS)
(GRUNTS) Sweet sister Sadie.
When was the last time
you took a bath?
(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)
Well, football head,
you were right.
The subway
was a good idea after all.
Told you.
We're going to get home
in no time.
Everything will be just fine.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SQUEALING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL GROANING)
Hey, the train stopped.
No kidding, Einstein.
Hey, hey.
What are you doing
in my house?
Go away!
CONDUCTOR:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain calm.
There is no need to worry.
But, of course.
The main thing, uh,
is to stay calm.
CONDUCTOR: Even though
thousands of pounds of water
are bearing down as we speak
on the thin aging walls
of this government-funded
tunnel,
you are in no danger.
Actually, millions of
pounds of water bearing down
on the tunnel is more correct.
CONDUCTOR: Actually,
this has never happened
to me before! (SOBS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
That's it!
We're busting open that door
and walking out of here!
I don't think that's such
a good idea, Helga.
There might be...
(SQUEAKING)
Rats!
ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program
with a special bulletin.
The eastbound D train
is stuck in a tunnel
under the river
with at least a dozen people
trapped onboard
and communication impossible.
More at 11.
I'm the only ex-cop
in this city
crazy enough to take on
a job like this.
(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(OBJECTS RATTLING)
Goin' out, Pookie?
Don't wait up.
All righty, I'll save you
some supper.
(SIRENS WAILING)
(INDISTINCT
POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(HAROLD PANICKING)
Air getting thinner!
Hard to breathe.
Well, then stop sucking up
all the good air, fat boy!
Leave the kids alone.
They can suck up
all the air they want.
It's my house.
Go ahead, fat boy.
Breathe deep.
Actually, it's impossible
for someone with even
Harold's lung capacity
to deplete the air
in this car.
CONDUCTOR: Passengers,
it may be a matter
of minutes or hours
(PANICS)
or days or weeks
(CALMLY) 'til the search
and rescue team finds our
(PANICS) forgotten
and stranded subway car.
(CALMLY) And takes out
of this (PANICS)
increasing hopeless
(CALMLY) situation,
so let's all remain calm,
there's no need to...
(PANICS) Doomed!
We're all doomed! Why me?
(SOBBING)
We're all going
to starve to death
and get eaten by rats!
This is crazy.
We got to do
something, Gerald.
Gerald?
(TEETH CLATTERING)
I got to have
something to eat.
Anything. Anything.
(SCREECHING)
(HISSING)
(RAT SQUEAKING)
CONDUCTOR: Attention,
passengers, I have an update,
we're doomed, we're trapped.
I'm talking to you
from the fetal position.
I'm scrunched up small,
rocking back and forth,
trying to think
if there's any way out.
I don't think there is.
(PANICKING) I really
don't think there is!
Do you think there is? No!
Thank you for
riding the subway!
Have a nice day!
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
(CLEARS THROAT)
HILLARY:
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
(SOBBING) We're trapped!
Trapped like rats. And
the tunnel's gonna collapse
And we're all doomed!
Please, would you shut
your little friend up!
She's making us
all crazy here!
Think,
"Big, open spaces."
Big, wide, open spaces.
That mantra
doesn't do anything,
you mental case.
Oh.
Get out of my house!
Hey, smells like...
(SNIFFS) ...chocolate.
ALL: Chocolate?
Did someone say chocolate?
Where? Where? Where?
Uh... There!
Hey, yeah.
Who's got the chocolate?
You two-bit lowlife.
We're all starving
and you're holding out on us!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ALL CLAMORING)
ARNOLD: Come on,
we're all just
getting hysterical.
Let's just calm down,
try to hang in there
together.
This is all your fault, Helga.
If you hadn't been hanging
your fat mouth on that pole,
we wouldn't have broken down.
Oh, come on, Helga,
Harold didn't have anything
to do with it
and you know it.
Oh, yeah? What about you,
Mr. "Let's take the D train"?
That was brilliant.
(ALL CLAMORING)
(WHIMPERING)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey.
There's something wrong
with this dog.
Is he sick?
What is the matter?
Somebody get me a newspaper.
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Here's a newspaper.
I used to be a nurse.
What is it? Is there
something wrong with Killer?
Killer?
Bingo!
There. Come on,
come on, that's it.
Almost. Come on.
Here we go.
Killer! Killer!
Are you okay, boy?
Killer's all right.
But I think he's a she.
You mean, I'm a daddy?
(CHUCKLES)
Aren't they precious!
Congratulations, dear.
It's a miracle.
We're saved!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wait a minute, everybody.
I got something to say.
We know. We know.
ALL: Get out of your house.
No, no, not that.
I got somethin' else to say.
♪ Let's all hold hands
♪ Here on the subway
♪ 'Cause we've been
Stuck here in the dark
♪ For way too long
♪ Oh, it's hot
And it stinks
♪ And the train
Is on the blink
♪ They lock the doors
♪ We've got no choice
♪ Let's get along!
♪ Let's all hold hands
♪ Here on the subway
♪ 'Cause we've been
Stuck here in the dark
♪ For way too long ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
You throw like a girl, man.
Well, you throw like
a little shrimp with
stringy hair
and big ears
and your hat on backwards.
No, I don't.
Gotta be a saltwater
taffy store somewhere
around this place.
But soft. It's him!
Oh, it is my love,
spending a lost Saturday
on the river's edge.
How I long to share
your reverie.
And yet...
And, yet I can't get
a ding blasting minute
alone with him.
Look, it's the geek patrol.
Drubbing for worms
no doubt.
What are you looking at?
Elk Island.
So?
So, how come
no one ever goes there?
Well, for one thing,
it's haunted.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Haunted? (SCOFFS)
What a crock.
GERALD: It is not!
Come on, Gerald,
you tell us.
The haunted caves
of Wheezin' Ed.
In the time
of Prohibition,
on the island they called Elk,
there lived a gangster,
so ruthless,
that his name inspired terror
all up and down
the Skookumchuck River.
They called him Wheezin' Ed.
(WHEEZING)
GERALD: Ed got his name
from the wheezy noise
he made
just before
he came up behind you
and wrung your neck.
Some say, he wheezed
'cause he suffered
from chronic head colds.
Some say,
the wheezing was caused
by a chicken bone
lodged in his throat.
Some say,
he was just faking it.
One thing's for sure,
he buried his huge treasure
in the damp dirt
of those caves.
No one has ever found it,
though, countless souls
have tried.
And to come
to some awful end,
too hideous to be spoken of.
For to find the huge treasure
one must descend
into the haunted caves
of Wheezin' Ed.
The end.
Good job, Gerald.
Thanks.
What a crack.
That island isn't haunted.
And there is no Wheezin' Ed.
Argh!
But there'll be a treasure.
Wow.
He must be one of those
real life grizzled, old,
seesaw type characters.
Nah. It's just Sheena's uncle,
Earl.
Hey, Mister, what was that
you were saying about
the treasure?
Har har har!
Here be a small sample.
Found it in the caves
last Tuesday.
Looks real to me.
Could be
a 16th century doubloon.
What are we waiting for?
Let's get a shovel
and go, man.
ALL: Yeah, come on.
Let's go!
Wait a minute,
you morons.
How do you plan
to get there? Swim?
I'll give you all passage
to the island for
one dollar each.
Two dollars for him.
And I'll rent you me shovel
for an additional 50 cents.
Five cents security deposit.
What do you say, Arnold?
Yeah, let's go!
This counterfeit
penny operation
was a great idea.
Yeah, and setting it up
on Elk island was a stroke
of pure genius.
No one will ever come
snooping around here,
thanks to that
Wheezin' Ed baloney.
Yeah, Wheezin' Ed.
What a laugh.
(CACKLES)
I'll be back for ye
before the sun sets.
We sail with the tide.
ALL: Bye, see you later.
Look, another doubloon.
Ah, we're getting warmer.
Hey, you guys.
If there's buried treasure,
it's probably in there.
Oh, let's go through
that tunnel.
No, no, that one.
Okay, okay...
All right, all right.
Quiet!
If we're going ahead
with this fiasco,
let's at least be organized.
We'll split up
into parties of two.
Sid, you and Rhonda
take that tunnel.
Why should I go with Rhonda?
Why can't I go with Harold?
Uh, 'cause I got
to guard the outside.
That's why.
On account of,
I'm bravest.
Girl.
Head on backwards
little twerp.
Right.
Phoebe, you go with...
Gerald.
BOTH: Huh?
Okay.
Well, since you're
guarding the entrance,
I guess I'm stuck
with the football head.
(SCOFFS) Suit yourself.
Hey, what's with
the jelly beans?
I'm leaving a trail
they can follow back.
(SCOFFS)
Leaving a trail.
Good plan, Einstein.
(SCOFFS)
Can you believe that guy?
Ah, so suave,
and so clever.
Lead, and I will follow,
my liege.
Maybe Wheezin' Ed
is just dead.
You know,
no ghost or nothing.
Yeah, right.
Like he just died
and rotted
and his bones are lying around
somewhere in this cave.
Yeah.
What a
comforting thought, Sid.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Hey, wait a minute.
(LAUGHS)
I guess we were both
kind of jumpy, huh?
So, this cave
is pretty cool, huh?
It's beautiful
in a desolate kind of way.
I keep thinking I'm going to
turn a corner and fall into
a giant hole or something.
I don't think so, Gerald.
This appears to be a cave
of the striated variety.
This kind of rock primiation
with its series
of smaller passages
radiating out
form a central gallery
indicates that there wouldn't
be a sudden vertical drop
like that.
Oh... Good.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Praise Thor,
the Thunder God!
Wait a minute.
Something I'm supposed
to remember about
these jelly beans.
Maybe if I eat a few more
I'll remember.
Come on, Morrie,
let's take these into town
and trade them
for some supplies.
Uh, speaking of supplies, Vic,
you noticed we spent
more than $900
on copper?
Not to mention my labor
carving these faces
on them.
What's your point?
Look, maybe
we should move up
to counterfeiting dimes, Vic.
Oh, what are you,
a big shot now?
Next, you'd be talking about
making quarters.
Come on, you bum,
let's go.
(HELGA GRUNTS)
Watch where you're
going, geek bait.
Well, don't follow
so close then.
Right. I'm having
the worst day of my life,
stuck in some smelly cave
with a football head.
Look, why don't I take
this tunnel and you take
that one.
See ya.
Why? Why can't I speak
the truth to the one I love?
Why must I constantly
push away that to which
I would cleave?
This is it.
It's now or never, Helga.
Go, confess your love to him.
Arnold!
Huh?
I... I... (PANTING)
Wait a minute,
you hear something?
Hear something?
(WHEEZING)
It's Wheezin' Ed!
(SHRIEKS)
(LOUD SCREAMS)
ALL: Brainy!
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Something.
(ALL GROANING)
Yuck! Don't get
so cozy, buster.
Sheesh.
Come on, you guys,
we should just go.
(ALL GRUMBLING)
And if there
wasn't a Wheezin' Ed,
then I guess there
really isn't any treasure.
(SCREAMING)
Are you okay, Arnold?
Is your head open?
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)
ALL: The treasure
of Wheezin' Ed!
(ALL CHEERING)
(EXCLAIMING)
You know, Arnold,
these look a lot like pennies.
Only not made as good.
What? You mean,
counterfeit pennies?
Yeah.
But who'd be stupid enough
to do a thing like make
counterfeit pennies?
Hey, you punks!
What do you think
you're doing?
(SCREAMS)
It's Wheezin' Ed and...
And some other guy!
VIC: Come back, here.
MORRIE: (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. What he said.
(ALL PANTING)
Do you know the way out?
Don't worry, Gerald.
Just follow the jelly beans.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL PANTING)
(SCREAMS) No! Help me!
(BOTH PANTING)
Look, we're almost out.
(SCREAMING)
(RUMBLING)
(ALL PANTING)
(ALL GASP)
OFFICER: Freeze!
You two are under arrest
for the running of an illegal
counterfeit penny operation.
Oh, nuts.
How'd you find us?
This character tried
to pass off one of
your phonies.
Argh! Tippin' the
serving wench at
Ivar's Fish and Chips.
Right.
Now get those kids
in the boat pronto
while I read these two clowns
their Marumba rights.
Haunted caves. Doy.
Yeah, I guess there really
isn't a Wheezin' Ed.
I don't know, Gerald.
Just don't know.
(MAN LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
HELGA: Arnold!
(CATS SCREECHING)
(DOGS BARKING)
HELGA: Hey, Arnold.
(LOUD CLATTER)
(LOUD SHRIEK)
HELGA: Hey, Arnold!
Arnold?
Arnold!
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold!
Arnold.
Move it,
football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Boy, that movie
really sucked wind.
Yeah, who played
the onion anyway?
Didn't believe his performance
for a second.
Plus, it was two hours long.
Two hours too long
if you ask me.
GERALD: Can't believe
we paid money for that.
Uh-oh.
Hey, what happened to the sun?
It went down.
Aw, man. I told my mom
I would be home before dark.
She's going to kill me.
We've got time.
The street lights
aren't on yet.
Now what are we going to do.
We could take
the crosstown bus.
You mean that one?
Well, we could walk.
Walk?
It'll take days!
We'll freeze to death!
We'll be eaten by pigeons,
or worse...
Eaten by rats!
I hate rats!
We could pool our money
and take a cab.
Do you know how much
a cab would cost?
It would cost approximately
$34 and 20 cents.
Without the tip.
I have 82 cents
and some string.
(ALL GROANING)
Okay, let's not panic.
I know how we can
get home before anybody
gets in trouble.
Oh, no.
Don't say it, Arnold.
Don't even think it.
We take the subway.
(ALL GASP)
Arnold, you know what they say
about taking the subway
after dark.
"Sun goes down,
stay above ground."
I ain't scared of no subway.
I ain't scared of nothing.
Nope. No subway for me.
Not no way.
Not no how.
I am not taking the subway.
I can't believe
I'm taking the subway.
We're taking
the subway, Grandma.
Yeah, the Eastbound D Train.
We'll be home in half an hour.
Come on, Arnold,
it's coming.
Are you sure,
this is the right one, Gerald?
Yep. We take the D
to Union Park.
And then the C three stops
until 41st Avenue.
And then switch over
to the One.
Or does that say seven?
Oh, no! We should
really be on the F!
(ALL GRUMBLING)
Nice going, Geraldo.
Oh, that's okay.
We can get off
at the Waterloo station
and transfer to F.
(CREAKING)
Hey, look.
I'm a monkey.
(LAUGHING)
See? I told you
this wouldn't be so bad.
Well, that guy
seems comfortable.
(SNORING)
What a sweet little girl.
MAN: You see
how easy this is, Hillary?
Only by confronting
your claustrophobia,
will you be able
to overcome it.
Now say your mantra.
Yes, doctor.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Good, Hillary.
Don't forget to breathe.
Look, I'm
an upside down fireman.
Get off that pole,
fat boy.
That's for holding on
not climbing on!
Hey, how did you know
I was climbing?
When the eyes went,
the other senses got stronger.
Speaking of which...
(SNIFFS)
(GRUNTS) Sweet sister Sadie.
When was the last time
you took a bath?
(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)
Well, football head,
you were right.
The subway
was a good idea after all.
Told you.
We're going to get home
in no time.
Everything will be just fine.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SQUEALING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL GROANING)
Hey, the train stopped.
No kidding, Einstein.
Hey, hey.
What are you doing
in my house?
Go away!
CONDUCTOR:
Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain calm.
There is no need to worry.
But, of course.
The main thing, uh,
is to stay calm.
CONDUCTOR: Even though
thousands of pounds of water
are bearing down as we speak
on the thin aging walls
of this government-funded
tunnel,
you are in no danger.
Actually, millions of
pounds of water bearing down
on the tunnel is more correct.
CONDUCTOR: Actually,
this has never happened
to me before! (SOBS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
That's it!
We're busting open that door
and walking out of here!
I don't think that's such
a good idea, Helga.
There might be...
(SQUEAKING)
Rats!
ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program
with a special bulletin.
The eastbound D train
is stuck in a tunnel
under the river
with at least a dozen people
trapped onboard
and communication impossible.
More at 11.
I'm the only ex-cop
in this city
crazy enough to take on
a job like this.
(THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
(OBJECTS RATTLING)
Goin' out, Pookie?
Don't wait up.
All righty, I'll save you
some supper.
(SIRENS WAILING)
(INDISTINCT
POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(HAROLD PANICKING)
Air getting thinner!
Hard to breathe.
Well, then stop sucking up
all the good air, fat boy!
Leave the kids alone.
They can suck up
all the air they want.
It's my house.
Go ahead, fat boy.
Breathe deep.
Actually, it's impossible
for someone with even
Harold's lung capacity
to deplete the air
in this car.
CONDUCTOR: Passengers,
it may be a matter
of minutes or hours
(PANICS)
or days or weeks
(CALMLY) 'til the search
and rescue team finds our
(PANICS) forgotten
and stranded subway car.
(CALMLY) And takes out
of this (PANICS)
increasing hopeless
(CALMLY) situation,
so let's all remain calm,
there's no need to...
(PANICS) Doomed!
We're all doomed! Why me?
(SOBBING)
We're all going
to starve to death
and get eaten by rats!
This is crazy.
We got to do
something, Gerald.
Gerald?
(TEETH CLATTERING)
I got to have
something to eat.
Anything. Anything.
(SCREECHING)
(HISSING)
(RAT SQUEAKING)
CONDUCTOR: Attention,
passengers, I have an update,
we're doomed, we're trapped.
I'm talking to you
from the fetal position.
I'm scrunched up small,
rocking back and forth,
trying to think
if there's any way out.
I don't think there is.
(PANICKING) I really
don't think there is!
Do you think there is? No!
Thank you for
riding the subway!
Have a nice day!
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
(CLEARS THROAT)
HILLARY:
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
Big, open spaces.
(SOBBING) We're trapped!
Trapped like rats. And
the tunnel's gonna collapse
And we're all doomed!
Please, would you shut
your little friend up!
She's making us
all crazy here!
Think,
"Big, open spaces."
Big, wide, open spaces.
That mantra
doesn't do anything,
you mental case.
Oh.
Get out of my house!
Hey, smells like...
(SNIFFS) ...chocolate.
ALL: Chocolate?
Did someone say chocolate?
Where? Where? Where?
Uh... There!
Hey, yeah.
Who's got the chocolate?
You two-bit lowlife.
We're all starving
and you're holding out on us!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ALL CLAMORING)
ARNOLD: Come on,
we're all just
getting hysterical.
Let's just calm down,
try to hang in there
together.
This is all your fault, Helga.
If you hadn't been hanging
your fat mouth on that pole,
we wouldn't have broken down.
Oh, come on, Helga,
Harold didn't have anything
to do with it
and you know it.
Oh, yeah? What about you,
Mr. "Let's take the D train"?
That was brilliant.
(ALL CLAMORING)
(WHIMPERING)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey.
There's something wrong
with this dog.
Is he sick?
What is the matter?
Somebody get me a newspaper.
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Here's a newspaper.
I used to be a nurse.
What is it? Is there
something wrong with Killer?
Killer?
Bingo!
There. Come on,
come on, that's it.
Almost. Come on.
Here we go.
Killer! Killer!
Are you okay, boy?
Killer's all right.
But I think he's a she.
You mean, I'm a daddy?
(CHUCKLES)
Aren't they precious!
Congratulations, dear.
It's a miracle.
We're saved!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wait a minute, everybody.
I got something to say.
We know. We know.
ALL: Get out of your house.
No, no, not that.
I got somethin' else to say.
♪ Let's all hold hands
♪ Here on the subway
♪ 'Cause we've been
Stuck here in the dark
♪ For way too long
♪ Oh, it's hot
And it stinks
♪ And the train
Is on the blink
♪ They lock the doors
♪ We've got no choice
♪ Let's get along!
♪ Let's all hold hands
♪ Here on the subway
♪ 'Cause we've been
Stuck here in the dark
♪ For way too long ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
You throw like a girl, man.
Well, you throw like
a little shrimp with
stringy hair
and big ears
and your hat on backwards.
No, I don't.
Gotta be a saltwater
taffy store somewhere
around this place.
But soft. It's him!
Oh, it is my love,
spending a lost Saturday
on the river's edge.
How I long to share
your reverie.
And yet...
And, yet I can't get
a ding blasting minute
alone with him.
Look, it's the geek patrol.
Drubbing for worms
no doubt.
What are you looking at?
Elk Island.
So?
So, how come
no one ever goes there?
Well, for one thing,
it's haunted.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Haunted? (SCOFFS)
What a crock.
GERALD: It is not!
Come on, Gerald,
you tell us.
The haunted caves
of Wheezin' Ed.
In the time
of Prohibition,
on the island they called Elk,
there lived a gangster,
so ruthless,
that his name inspired terror
all up and down
the Skookumchuck River.
They called him Wheezin' Ed.
(WHEEZING)
GERALD: Ed got his name
from the wheezy noise
he made
just before
he came up behind you
and wrung your neck.
Some say, he wheezed
'cause he suffered
from chronic head colds.
Some say,
the wheezing was caused
by a chicken bone
lodged in his throat.
Some say,
he was just faking it.
One thing's for sure,
he buried his huge treasure
in the damp dirt
of those caves.
No one has ever found it,
though, countless souls
have tried.
And to come
to some awful end,
too hideous to be spoken of.
For to find the huge treasure
one must descend
into the haunted caves
of Wheezin' Ed.
The end.
Good job, Gerald.
Thanks.
What a crack.
That island isn't haunted.
And there is no Wheezin' Ed.
Argh!
But there'll be a treasure.
Wow.
He must be one of those
real life grizzled, old,
seesaw type characters.
Nah. It's just Sheena's uncle,
Earl.
Hey, Mister, what was that
you were saying about
the treasure?
Har har har!
Here be a small sample.
Found it in the caves
last Tuesday.
Looks real to me.
Could be
a 16th century doubloon.
What are we waiting for?
Let's get a shovel
and go, man.
ALL: Yeah, come on.
Let's go!
Wait a minute,
you morons.
How do you plan
to get there? Swim?
I'll give you all passage
to the island for
one dollar each.
Two dollars for him.
And I'll rent you me shovel
for an additional 50 cents.
Five cents security deposit.
What do you say, Arnold?
Yeah, let's go!
This counterfeit
penny operation
was a great idea.
Yeah, and setting it up
on Elk island was a stroke
of pure genius.
No one will ever come
snooping around here,
thanks to that
Wheezin' Ed baloney.
Yeah, Wheezin' Ed.
What a laugh.
(CACKLES)
I'll be back for ye
before the sun sets.
We sail with the tide.
ALL: Bye, see you later.
Look, another doubloon.
Ah, we're getting warmer.
Hey, you guys.
If there's buried treasure,
it's probably in there.
Oh, let's go through
that tunnel.
No, no, that one.
Okay, okay...
All right, all right.
Quiet!
If we're going ahead
with this fiasco,
let's at least be organized.
We'll split up
into parties of two.
Sid, you and Rhonda
take that tunnel.
Why should I go with Rhonda?
Why can't I go with Harold?
Uh, 'cause I got
to guard the outside.
That's why.
On account of,
I'm bravest.
Girl.
Head on backwards
little twerp.
Right.
Phoebe, you go with...
Gerald.
BOTH: Huh?
Okay.
Well, since you're
guarding the entrance,
I guess I'm stuck
with the football head.
(SCOFFS) Suit yourself.
Hey, what's with
the jelly beans?
I'm leaving a trail
they can follow back.
(SCOFFS)
Leaving a trail.
Good plan, Einstein.
(SCOFFS)
Can you believe that guy?
Ah, so suave,
and so clever.
Lead, and I will follow,
my liege.
Maybe Wheezin' Ed
is just dead.
You know,
no ghost or nothing.
Yeah, right.
Like he just died
and rotted
and his bones are lying around
somewhere in this cave.
Yeah.
What a
comforting thought, Sid.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Hey, wait a minute.
(LAUGHS)
I guess we were both
kind of jumpy, huh?
So, this cave
is pretty cool, huh?
It's beautiful
in a desolate kind of way.
I keep thinking I'm going to
turn a corner and fall into
a giant hole or something.
I don't think so, Gerald.
This appears to be a cave
of the striated variety.
This kind of rock primiation
with its series
of smaller passages
radiating out
form a central gallery
indicates that there wouldn't
be a sudden vertical drop
like that.
Oh... Good.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Praise Thor,
the Thunder God!
Wait a minute.
Something I'm supposed
to remember about
these jelly beans.
Maybe if I eat a few more
I'll remember.
Come on, Morrie,
let's take these into town
and trade them
for some supplies.
Uh, speaking of supplies, Vic,
you noticed we spent
more than $900
on copper?
Not to mention my labor
carving these faces
on them.
What's your point?
Look, maybe
we should move up
to counterfeiting dimes, Vic.
Oh, what are you,
a big shot now?
Next, you'd be talking about
making quarters.
Come on, you bum,
let's go.
(HELGA GRUNTS)
Watch where you're
going, geek bait.
Well, don't follow
so close then.
Right. I'm having
the worst day of my life,
stuck in some smelly cave
with a football head.
Look, why don't I take
this tunnel and you take
that one.
See ya.
Why? Why can't I speak
the truth to the one I love?
Why must I constantly
push away that to which
I would cleave?
This is it.
It's now or never, Helga.
Go, confess your love to him.
Arnold!
Huh?
I... I... (PANTING)
Wait a minute,
you hear something?
Hear something?
(WHEEZING)
It's Wheezin' Ed!
(SHRIEKS)
(LOUD SCREAMS)
ALL: Brainy!
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Something.
(ALL GROANING)
Yuck! Don't get
so cozy, buster.
Sheesh.
Come on, you guys,
we should just go.
(ALL GRUMBLING)
And if there
wasn't a Wheezin' Ed,
then I guess there
really isn't any treasure.
(SCREAMING)
Are you okay, Arnold?
Is your head open?
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL GASP)
ALL: The treasure
of Wheezin' Ed!
(ALL CHEERING)
(EXCLAIMING)
You know, Arnold,
these look a lot like pennies.
Only not made as good.
What? You mean,
counterfeit pennies?
Yeah.
But who'd be stupid enough
to do a thing like make
counterfeit pennies?
Hey, you punks!
What do you think
you're doing?
(SCREAMS)
It's Wheezin' Ed and...
And some other guy!
VIC: Come back, here.
MORRIE: (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. What he said.
(ALL PANTING)
Do you know the way out?
Don't worry, Gerald.
Just follow the jelly beans.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL PANTING)
(SCREAMS) No! Help me!
(BOTH PANTING)
Look, we're almost out.
(SCREAMING)
(RUMBLING)
(ALL PANTING)
(ALL GASP)
OFFICER: Freeze!
You two are under arrest
for the running of an illegal
counterfeit penny operation.
Oh, nuts.
How'd you find us?
This character tried
to pass off one of
your phonies.
Argh! Tippin' the
serving wench at
Ivar's Fish and Chips.
Right.
Now get those kids
in the boat pronto
while I read these two clowns
their Marumba rights.
Haunted caves. Doy.
Yeah, I guess there really
isn't a Wheezin' Ed.
I don't know, Gerald.
Just don't know.
(MAN LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)