He's with Me (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Surprise Dinner, Part Two - full transcript

'Kay, here pudding pop.

I know how you get
when you're surprised.

Okay dad,
who's this woman really?

Well, it's true Ted,
Barbara is your birth mother.

Ta-Da!

See, okay, there's,

a very simple explanation.

And lo, those many years ago,

your father and I
really, we wanted a baby.

And we kept trying
and trying and trying.

Mom, I'm sick enough as it is,
thanks.



So, the old-fashioned
way didn't work.

And Barbara's mother worked
at my office at the time.

She was a good worker, right?

That bitch did everything right.

Pissed me off every
single day of my life.

Guess that's why I went out
and got pregnant when I was 16.

Man, you should've seen her.

I mean, my mom went to
church every single day

and when I came
home and told her

that Tommy Nugent got me PG.

Man, the name she called me,

I never would've imagined
coming out of that

prissy, pretentious,
prima donna mouth.

Incidentally, like one
of the greatest days



of my life ever.

I'm so happy for you.

Thanks.

Well, Mary was in a
bind and we really wanted

to have a kid and it just all
kind of worked out for us.

Tommy Nugent?

That kind of makes
you Ted Nugent.

That's hilarious.

Why didn't you tell Ted earlier?

I think that was
kind of my fault.

I mean, I just didn't want
anybody coming after me.

You know,
I was so young, I just...

I just wanted to get
into some guy's truck and

drive anywhere and just
do anything we wanted.

I just didn't want to be

tied down to anything.

A and B, we're good with that,
so we just rolled with it.

So you've sort
of parked the truck now?

Excuse me?

I mean, why now?

I moved back here
like about a year ago

and I bumped into Alice here.

At the market.

Do you know how expensive
pork chops are these days?

Alice.

And she told me that you
were moving to New York.

And that you were
some big shot ad guy and

then, she just asked
me if I was ready to,

you know, 'fess up,
so I said sure.

I mean, why not?

Who wants to

find out that I'm their mother?

I work at a gas station.

Chef Boyardee's gourmet to me.

I do have six cats.

I wanted to tell
you when I visited,

but it just,

it just didn't seem
like the right time.

And this is the right time?

We couldn't have
done this alone?

In front of everybody I know
and one of the biggest nights

of my life.

What are you, smoking drugs?

I take a little Zertec.

Alice.

What, what do you think?

Those allergies
are terrible for me.

So, what's good here?

Ted?

Ted?

Ted.

Honey.

You must be so
shocked right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm shocked.

I can't even believe
they had never

ever told me this.

They didn't even
allude to the fact

that I'm not really theirs.

When people adopt, years go by,

they probably didn't
even think about it.

You know, to them,
you are theirs.

I can't, I can't even, I...

I can't even believe that.

You know what?

Just take a moment.

Okay.

Try to calm down.

Take a breath.

Okay.

Here.

Why don't you

have a mint?

Ted!

That is just absolutely

- unacceptable.
- Hey, hey I'm sorry Henny.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have slapped your mint.

That was, it's the one thing
that I will not tolerate.

That's why I didn't
marry Malcolm.

Who's Malcolm?

Henny, were you engaged before?

Babe, it was no big deal.

It wasn't,
were you engaged or not?

For a little while, yes.

When was this?

A few years ago.

But it wasn't as long
as the other guys.

Excuse me?

How many times were
you engaged Henny?

Look, you are really upset
right now about other things,

so we should focus...

I'm gonna need a bigger pale.

How many times were you engaged?

About five.

About five, like approximately.

So, like seven or ten

or a baker's dozen?

Okay, you know, it's just five.

It was just five.

And...

Look, I didn't wanna tell
you because I was afraid

that you'd think I was
a freak or something.

You're a freak, no, no, no.

I'm the one that's a freak.

I'm Ted Nugent
with a used fiance.

I'm not used.

I'm just unlucky.

I need to be alone.

Fine!

Fine.

Don't get engaged
on your way out.

How is he?

Did he get sick?

I'm not sure how he is.

He said he wants to be alone.

Val, can I see you privately?

Sure, honey.

I knew this wasn't
a good idea Alice.

Telling him like that
in front of everyone.

With Barbie.

I thought he took it okay.

I mean, what's the big deal?

Got good parents.

I'm just like some funny aunt.

Did you have willows?

You know, like somebody
who's not really related,

but they,
good friends of your parents,

they hang around all the time,

so you call 'em uncle and aunt.

I mean,
but you're not his funny aunt.

You gave birth to him.

Technicality.

Ted wants me to
meet him somewhere.

- I'm coming.
- Yeah, I'm coming too.

No, no, I'm sure he'll text
you or email you or something.

I gotta go.

I told him.

About your little
engagement collection?

Yeah and he freaked out.

Somehow, on top of all of this,

he feels like he can't trust me.

What am I gonna do?

Look, just give him
a little bit of time.

You know, he's been thrown
a lot of stuff today

and men sometimes,

- they just need...
- Men just need

some time, honey.

That's all.

Okay?

And it doesn't mean
we won't come around.

It doesn't mean
we won't forgive.

It just means we need
to process stuff

and figure out where we're at,
that's all.

Really?

Hey.

How long have I been a man?

Right.

Now, just go home and
make yourself a nice, big,

hot cup of tea.

And give a little bit of time.

Things will be fine.

Thanks Eddie.

You give really good advice.

Henny,
call me if you need anything.

Well, it looks like

someone has become quite
the little self-help guru.

Note to Valerie.

The male perspective
can be helpful to see

situations like this clearly.

At times,
women can be too emotional.

Can we?

Can we be emotional?

I had no idea.

Now, I feel absolutely
fucking enlightened.

This was a big bust, Alice.

Well no, it'll, it'll...

He just needed
some time to cool off.

That's all, he'll be fine.

I know my Theo.

Is Henny alright?

She's fine.

She's just a little emotional.

Women tend to process
things differently than men.

You know, I've heard that.

Well,
I hope everything will be okay.

You know,
you hear it all the time,

but it's true, Ted is our son.

I never think of him as adopted.

You really don't, do you?

Never have.

He's an Adams,
through and through.

What was that
like for you Barbie?

Giving up a child?

No sweat.

I mean, it was sweaty.

You know, like...

Giving birth was like...

Did you ever have to run
the mile in gym class?

Do you remember that?

I just hated that.

I'd always use the excuse
that I had my period,

so I could get out of it.

It's just so long and

sweaty and tiring.

That's what
giving birth is like.

Only I didn't have
the period excuse.

I didn't have the period.

God, shoot me for trying

to lighten things
up around here.

Why did you wait, to
tell Ted, for so long?

Well, I just think that,
so many years went by

that we just forgot to tell him

and that's all, really.

You know, you loved him so much.

You don't think about it.

You know, we loved him so much,

it's just it didn't mattered

until when I would
think about it,

I would hope it
wouldn't matter for him.

Family is family, right?

Exactly.

Even the ones
you can't get rid of.

Yeah, like your brother.

Hey, listen.

Ted's gonna be fine.

In the meantime, he's got me and

Henny and Martin and you know.

He'll be alright.

He'll come up the
other end okay.

Like when he was born.

Waiter.

Can I get a sangria?